1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,500
Kids, Stella Zenman was the girl
2
00:00:02,860 --> 00:00:04,460
I thought I'd spend
the rest of my life with.
3
00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:07,160
Until she left me at the altar,
4
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,400
smashing my heart
to smithereens.
5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,730
So when I ran into her
seven months later,
6
00:00:10,730 --> 00:00:13,600
there was only one way
to deal with her.
7
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,360
Stella!
8
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,000
Great to see you!
9
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,030
You, too.
10
00:00:18,030 --> 00:00:19,400
And Tony!
11
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,330
Hey.
Hey!
12
00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:22,900
What a nice surprise.
13
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:24,630
"What a nice surprise"?
14
00:00:24,630 --> 00:00:27,330
No, a nice surprise
would be if a safe fell
15
00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:29,330
from 40 stories
and smushed them both.
16
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,960
I mean, you didn't
let them have it?
17
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,560
No, we had a nice
friendly chat,
18
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,600
then they went their
way and I went mine.
19
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:35,700
Ted, you blew it.
20
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:37,030
He blew it, right?
21
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,060
Well played, sir.
22
00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:41,000
Bravo.
23
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,460
What?!
You see, Robin,
24
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:43,830
Ted played it cool,
25
00:00:43,830 --> 00:00:45,930
which is exactly what
he should have done.
26
00:00:45,930 --> 00:00:48,760
As a matter of fact, I'd say
on a scale ranging from...
27
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,930
(sobbing):
And I kept this sweater
of yours...
28
00:00:51,830 --> 00:00:54,230
...and sometimes I just
sit in the bathtub
29
00:00:54,230 --> 00:00:58,000
for hours just, you know,
just sniffing it.
30
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,500
...all the way to...
31
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,360
This is my new fianc?.
32
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,760
She's basically Stella,
33
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,360
except she's French and,
34
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,500
as you can see,
she's got enormous cans.
35
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,060
Enchant?
36
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:13,100
Enchant?
37
00:01:15,260 --> 00:01:16,500
(giggles)
38
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:18,660
...I'd say you nailed it.
39
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,460
I'll do you one better.
40
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,360
You, sir,
got Stella thinking.
41
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,860
"Gosh, Ted seemed
so cool today.
42
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:26,430
Did I choose
the wrong guy?"
43
00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:29,200
Give it a week;
you'll get her back.
44
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,360
And her front.
45
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,630
(shudders):
Oh.
46
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,230
Oh, did you just feel that?
47
00:01:33,230 --> 00:01:35,230
I think we just had
a "what up" quake.
48
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:37,900
TED:
I don't want her back.
49
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:39,900
Or her front.
50
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,060
I just want to move on.
51
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,730
And this was an important
step towards that.
52
00:01:42,730 --> 00:01:43,730
To moving on.
53
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,430
(all murmur)
54
00:01:45,430 --> 00:01:47,400
NARRATOR:
And you know,
I really meant it.
55
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,860
But still, that night,
my mind began to wander.
56
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,500
(knocking on door)
57
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,500
(harp glissando plays)
58
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:56,130
I made a terrible mistake.
59
00:01:56,130 --> 00:01:57,130
I know.
60
00:01:57,130 --> 00:01:58,700
I'm a better person
than you are.
61
00:01:58,700 --> 00:01:59,960
You totally are.
62
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,230
Let's get back together
63
00:02:01,230 --> 00:02:02,930
and have way more sex
than before.
Deal!
64
00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:05,100
(both moaning)
65
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,400
(knocking on door)
66
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,630
Hello, Ted.
67
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,830
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
68
00:02:18,830 --> 00:02:21,930
CBS
69
00:02:21,930 --> 00:02:25,400
and VOLKSWAGEN.
It's what the people want.
70
00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:30,460
(sighs)
71
00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:32,560
No, come in. It's
not weird at all.
72
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,560
Ted, Teddy Ted Ted Ted.
73
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:36,800
(sighs)
74
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,530
I knew it was wrong
to steal somebody's fianc?.
75
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:41,500
I mean, I grappled with it.
76
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,460
I was up nights.
77
00:02:42,460 --> 00:02:44,560
And not for the good reason.
78
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,260
Well, sometimes
for the good reason.
79
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:47,330
I mean, Stella and I
80
00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:48,900
hadn't seen each other
in five years,
81
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,960
so, as you can imagine,
the beginning,
82
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,930
it was just fast and furious.
83
00:02:52,930 --> 00:02:54,860
Lamps breaking,
furniture moving.
84
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:55,900
You see this bald patch?
85
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:56,830
Yeah, Tony...
86
00:02:56,830 --> 00:02:58,900
Anyway, we moved on.
87
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,800
Me, Lucy, Stella--
we were gonna move to L.A.
88
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,530
I was gonna become
a screenwriter.
89
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:05,400
Then we bumped into you,
90
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,030
and you just looked so... sad.
91
00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:10,300
Sad? No.
92
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,000
I-I think what you're
calling sad was actually
93
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,160
a jovial nonchalance.
94
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,760
Ted, you looked awful, okay?
95
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,960
Like a little dachshund puppy
with a bad back
96
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,230
that's got to pull itself around
on a cart.
97
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:22,200
Why are you here?
98
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,430
Look, Ted,
99
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:26,100
I know I can come across
pretty tough,
100
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,800
but I can't bear to have hurt
someone the way I hurt you.
101
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,500
I think fate put me
102
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,700
on that corner
to make this right.
103
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,230
Obviously, I can't fill
that giant crater
104
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:36,760
that Stella left
in your heart.
105
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,900
I've been dating.
106
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:38,930
Like, a lot.
107
00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:40,060
And then I heard you got fired.
108
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:41,930
I transitioned into
small business ownership.
109
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:42,900
(clears throat)
110
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:44,400
It's the backbone
of the economy.
111
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,560
No, it's not.
112
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,730
Ted,
113
00:03:46,730 --> 00:03:48,100
my family's got a lot of money.
114
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,060
And I want to use that money
115
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:51,560
to make this right with you.
116
00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:53,430
Tony is rich?
117
00:03:53,430 --> 00:03:54,900
Oh, Ted.
118
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:58,660
Oh, Ted, tell me
he wrote you a check.
119
00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:01,000
Tell me he wrote you
120
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,200
a big, fat check.
121
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,430
A check so big
122
00:04:04,430 --> 00:04:06,300
it doesn't take its shirt off
when it goes swimming.
123
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,430
(laughs)
Ha, that is a
big, fat check.
124
00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:10,600
A check so big, if
you had sex with it,
125
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,860
you wouldn't tell
your buddies.
126
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,800
That is a big, fat check.
127
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,630
A check so big that when you sit
next to it on an airplane,
128
00:04:17,630 --> 00:04:18,800
you find yourself wondering
129
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,530
whether the check should have
bought two seats.
130
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:21,330
That...
131
00:04:21,330 --> 00:04:24,060
Is a big,
fat check!
132
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,300
Yeah! He didn't
write me a check.
133
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,960
Ted, I want to offer you a job.
134
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,800
A job?
135
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:29,960
Every year, my family gives
136
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,730
a lot of money
to Columbia University,
137
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,100
so I got some pull.
138
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:34,060
How would you like
139
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,600
to design...
140
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,860
NARRATOR:
My heart leapt into my throat.
141
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:38,860
A new library?
142
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:39,860
A new student center?
143
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,730
...your very own curriculum
144
00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:43,630
as a professor of architecture.
145
00:04:43,630 --> 00:04:44,930
(chuckles)
146
00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:45,930
Huh?
147
00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:47,100
No, thanks.
148
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:50,360
What do you mean,
"No, thanks"?
149
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,630
Ted, you would be
150
00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:54,960
a great professor, okay?
151
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,830
You are knowledgeable,
you're a good talker,
152
00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,830
and when you need to,
153
00:05:00,830 --> 00:05:02,800
you can grow
a very handsome neck beard.
154
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:03,760
(both laugh)
155
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,400
I'm not gonna
be a professor.
156
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,230
Teaching architecture is
what you do when your career
157
00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:09,600
has totally bottomed out and
you need to pay the bills.
158
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:10,730
(all murmuring)
159
00:05:10,730 --> 00:05:12,130
Hey, hey, hey!
160
00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,260
Small business owner.
161
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:14,400
Backbone of the economy.
162
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,130
I'm not gonna take
that job, all right?
163
00:05:16,130 --> 00:05:17,300
I'm gonna be just fine.
164
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,330
New topic.
165
00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:20,060
Okay, new topic.
166
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:23,730
I just got a $200
speeding ticket today.
167
00:05:23,730 --> 00:05:25,060
Oh, that sucks, dude.
168
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,300
You couldn't
talk your way out of it?
169
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,200
You can't talk your
way out of a ticket.
170
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,830
I've done it.
171
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,500
It was-- what was it?--
172
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,100
it was 1998.
173
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,160
So where's the fire?
174
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,800
There's no fire.
175
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,300
Actually, uh,
you know, there is a fire
176
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,600
at this barbecue I'm headed to.
177
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,600
Nothing special.
178
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,960
Burgers, ribs.... brats.
179
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,000
Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...
180
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,200
Did you say brats?
181
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,960
Yeah, brats.
182
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,330
My mom marinates them
183
00:05:55,330 --> 00:05:57,330
in Belgian beer for two days.
No big.
184
00:05:57,330 --> 00:05:58,460
Funny thing was,
I could've
185
00:05:58,460 --> 00:06:02,430
sworn that one of those thick,
succulent,
186
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:05,360
hickory-smoked brats
had some writing on it.
187
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,830
Weird. Anyways,
what were you saying?
188
00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:08,430
What-what did it say?
189
00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:09,860
The brat?
190
00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:15,100
It said "Property of Minnesota
State Trooper Jorgensen."
191
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:19,960
You a... you a brat man,
Officer Jorgensen?
192
00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:24,160
You going to this address?
Mm-hmm.
193
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,360
Follow me and lean on the horn.
194
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,060
We're gonna be running
some reds.
195
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,160
Well, duh.
196
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,330
I would've done that, too,
197
00:06:32,330 --> 00:06:34,460
if I'd have been going
to a barbecue.
198
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:35,700
Damn, I was.
199
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,600
See, it's all about
sizing up your opponent.
200
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,760
I could tell that the officer
was a brat man
201
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,630
because, well,
he was out of breath just from
202
00:06:41,630 --> 00:06:45,830
walking to my car and he had
mustard on his holster.
203
00:06:45,830 --> 00:06:48,000
Marshall Eriksen!
204
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,100
Manipulating an officer
of the law with your sausage.
205
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,530
MARSHALL:
Mm-hmm.
That is very hot.
206
00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:56,400
You think I can't talk
my way out of a ticket?!
207
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,660
You think I can't
208
00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,600
talk my way out of a ticket?
209
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,100
I am Barney
Stinson,
210
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,600
master of manipulation.
211
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,700
If I can talk a stripper
into paying me for a lap dance,
212
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,060
I think I can talk
my way out of a ticket.
213
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:12,460
Challenge accep-- Wait for it.
214
00:07:12,930 --> 00:07:14,430
(chuckles)
215
00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:16,300
I don't get it.
216
00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:20,000
Oh, "Ted."
217
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,830
"Accep-Ted."
218
00:07:21,830 --> 00:07:22,860
I get it now.
219
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:23,930
(knocking on door)
220
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,460
What now?
221
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:28,800
You want to be an architect?
Great.
222
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,560
Guy I went to private school
with wants a new house built.
223
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:32,900
Job's yours if you want it.
224
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:35,430
Tony, look,
I don't need your help.
225
00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:36,930
Here's what he's offering you.
226
00:07:41,130 --> 00:07:43,830
That is a big, fat check.
227
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,930
Showtime.
228
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:54,400
License and
registration.
229
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,800
Oh, of course, Officer.
230
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,000
Right away.
231
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,760
Sir, this is a gift certificate
232
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,800
for a custom-tailored
Italian suit.
233
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,330
So, we done here?
234
00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,560
$375!
235
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:11,630
Ooh!
(chuckles):
Oh.
236
00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:12,960
And he kept
the gift certificates.
237
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,000
Oh, man.
238
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,630
I'm gonna call Emilio
and tell him
239
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,130
to short-sheet him
on the crotch.
240
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,630
You are bad at this, dude.
241
00:08:18,630 --> 00:08:20,830
Oh, whatever, Robin.
242
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:23,030
Like you've ever
talked your way out of a ticket.
243
00:08:23,030 --> 00:08:24,360
Are you kidding me?
244
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,430
Robin's a pretty girl.
245
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:26,600
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
246
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,560
I bet Robin's been
pulled over tons of times,
247
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:29,630
never once gotten a ticket.
248
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:32,360
That is outrageous!
249
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,000
And factual.
250
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,830
License and regis...
251
00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:37,060
(sobbing)
252
00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:39,060
Oh, honey.
253
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,730
Oh, no, no,
no, don't cry.
254
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,800
It's okay. No
ticket for you.
255
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:44,960
Oh.
256
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,330
Just, uh, go a little
slower next time, okay?
257
00:08:47,330 --> 00:08:48,830
Yeah.
Okay.
258
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,760
Thank you.
259
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,630
Yeah!
260
00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:57,700
Excuse me.
261
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,660
I think I left something
in New Jersey.
262
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,430
Hey!
263
00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,260
How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?
264
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:07,500
Well, uh, it started off great.
265
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,460
TED:
I want to design a house that
266
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:11,160
celebrates the landscape
without overpowering it.
267
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,130
Mm.
268
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:13,360
You know,
when Frank Lloyd Wright
269
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,730
designed Fallingwater
in 1935, there's...
270
00:09:15,730 --> 00:09:17,430
Yes, yes, that's all fine.
271
00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:18,900
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
272
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:21,160
What I'm really worried about
is the basement.
273
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,060
Specifically the laundry room.
274
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:24,330
The laundry room?
275
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:28,230
I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,
276
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:32,000
stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.
277
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,400
I'm a man who likes to do
his own laundry,
278
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,860
and sometimes, it gets messy.
279
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:39,430
Messy?
Messy.
280
00:09:39,430 --> 00:09:41,760
Steel chains will dangle
from the ceiling
281
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,260
at a height of nine feet.
282
00:09:43,260 --> 00:09:45,830
And that is where
my laundry bags
283
00:09:45,830 --> 00:09:48,760
will hang for three days
and three nights
284
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,030
before I... clean them.
285
00:09:52,030 --> 00:09:55,000
Uh, Ted, it-it kind of
sounds like
286
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,900
what this guy is asking you
to design...
287
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,700
It's a murder house.
It is.
288
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,060
It's totally a murder house.
289
00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:02,230
You know, as a
martial artist,
290
00:10:02,230 --> 00:10:04,130
I'm trained to
trust my instincts,
291
00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:08,800
and my instincts are saying
this... feels very good.
292
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,400
The steak is so rare.
293
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,930
(shudders)
294
00:10:12,930 --> 00:10:15,630
Right? Right?!
295
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:19,160
One final concern:
soundproofing.
296
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,330
I tend to make a lot of racket
when I launder.
297
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,460
I'll show you what I mean.
298
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:27,330
I'm gonna go to my laundry room,
299
00:10:27,330 --> 00:10:29,600
and you tell me
if you can hear me.
300
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:34,800
Tony...
301
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,700
does something feel off
about this guy?
302
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:39,360
Yeah. Off the hook!
303
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,360
Bro, you are
nailing this.
304
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,860
(chain saw revving)
305
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,560
(maniacal laughter)
306
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,230
Ted, you can't design
a murder house!
307
00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:47,500
I'm not gonna design
a murder house.
308
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,500
Ted, you can't design
a murder house!
309
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,100
I'm not gonna design
a murder house!
310
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,130
(engine accelerating)
311
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:54,860
(siren blips)
312
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,530
Bring it.
313
00:10:57,530 --> 00:11:00,160
Officer, please,
my wife is about to have a baby!
314
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,160
Her water just broke!
315
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,200
Where's your wife?
316
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,600
She took the other car.
317
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,430
This is Italian leather, so...
318
00:11:07,430 --> 00:11:10,860
I... Oh, come...
319
00:11:10,860 --> 00:11:13,030
I'm sorry about that
murder house thing.
320
00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:14,400
That was my bad.
321
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,730
That's on me.
322
00:11:15,730 --> 00:11:16,860
So, new plan.
323
00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:19,330
You, my friend, are gonna build
324
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:22,760
the Statue of Liberty a husband.
325
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,230
Now, I got some suction
down at City Hall.
326
00:11:25,230 --> 00:11:26,230
Tony, stop it!
327
00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:27,630
I don't want your help, okay?
328
00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:28,860
You don't have to do this.
329
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:30,260
Yes, I do.
Why?
330
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,830
Because...
331
00:11:32,830 --> 00:11:36,730
when you were with Stella,
I know how much I missed her.
332
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:39,060
I can only imagine you feel
the same way.
333
00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:41,760
(laughs)
Okay, well,
334
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,400
let me put your mind a
335
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,800
I don't want Stella back, okay?
336
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,060
She lied to me
and left me at the altar.
337
00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:50,630
What kind of person does that?
338
00:11:51,630 --> 00:11:53,060
I'm better off without her.
339
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,360
She's all yours, buddy.
340
00:11:58,230 --> 00:11:59,730
There you go.
341
00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:01,260
Load off my mind.
342
00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:03,200
And that was it. Tony left,
343
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,160
and I began to put this whole
business far behind me.
344
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,000
Or so I thought.
345
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,260
(knocking on door)
346
00:12:10,261 --> 00:12:11,160
Stella...
347
00:12:11,262 --> 00:12:13,662
Tony broke up with me.
348
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,430
Wow. Okay,
Tony broke up with you?
349
00:12:22,430 --> 00:12:25,000
He said it was because
of something you said.
350
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,030
You got Tony
to dump Stella?
351
00:12:27,030 --> 00:12:30,000
I am very sorry,
but I'm going to have to insist
352
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,460
that you bump this.
353
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,900
Let's, um, let's talk
out in the hall.
354
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:37,400
It'll be waiting.
355
00:12:39,530 --> 00:12:44,300
So, why are you here?
356
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:47,730
Look, Ted, this is about
seven months too late,
357
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:49,400
but here goes.
358
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,060
I've been in love with Tony
since high school.
359
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,060
We dated for a long time,
360
00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:58,800
but then I got pregnant,
and I guess for two 19-year-olds
361
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,300
it was just too much to handle,
so we broke up.
362
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:05,600
And for a long time I just
focused on being a mother.
363
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,630
I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about...
364
00:13:08,630 --> 00:13:11,830
the very idea of being in love.
365
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,430
And then you came along
and reminded me.
366
00:13:15,430 --> 00:13:18,000
And... I loved you for that.
367
00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:21,430
I loved you so much, in fact,
368
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:25,360
that it was just shy of enough.
369
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,160
But I never stopped loving Tony.
370
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:34,330
Take him back, honey.
He's sorry.
371
00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:36,830
No, that's-that's not...
that's not what's happening.
372
00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:39,200
Just go back inside,
Mrs. Matsen.
373
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,230
(door closes)
374
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:44,560
It was good seeing you, Stella.
375
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,600
Can you talk to Tony?
376
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,430
What?
377
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,830
He'd listen to you.
378
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:53,760
You changed his mind.
You could change it back.
379
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,830
I know it's an awful thing
to ask...
380
00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:58,130
Yeah, it's an awful thing
to ask.
381
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,530
Well, I don't know
what else to do, okay?
382
00:14:00,530 --> 00:14:01,800
I love him.
383
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,260
Oh, you love him.
384
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:06,200
So what, you're-you're appealing
to the romantic in me?
385
00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:08,260
Is that your strategy?
386
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:10,860
Because that guy's gone.
387
00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,200
You can't pull
those strings anymore.
388
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,560
They're not attached
to anything thanks to you.
389
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,400
Go ahead, honey, kiss him!
390
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,900
Go inside,
Mrs. Matsen!
Mrs. Matsen,
go inside!
391
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:25,230
Okay, you can do this.
You can do this!
392
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:29,130
Oh, you can do this.
393
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:31,400
License and regis...
License and registration.
394
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,830
Excuse me?
395
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,600
I can only assume
you need a license
396
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,530
to have a face that beautiful.
397
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:38,060
And that body?
398
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:41,000
I'm guessing something that
explosive has to be registered
399
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,960
with the proper authorities.
400
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,300
Get out of the car.
401
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,760
Why, am I under arrest?
402
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,560
No...
403
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,930
but you're about to be
under me.
404
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,630
No. False.
Did not happen.
405
00:15:00,630 --> 00:15:02,530
That's a line
from a porno.
406
00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:03,960
I've seen that porno.
407
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,900
Hell, I've made
that porno.
408
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,930
When will you guys realize
that the only difference
409
00:15:07,930 --> 00:15:09,560
between my real life and a porno
410
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,260
is my real life
has better lighting?
411
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:12,630
You're lying.
412
00:15:12,630 --> 00:15:14,030
I am not lying!
413
00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:16,530
I swear on my mother.
414
00:15:16,530 --> 00:15:18,700
I swear
on Goliath National Bank.
415
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,260
I swear on my suits.
416
00:15:20,260 --> 00:15:21,260
I...
417
00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:22,260
am...
418
00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:23,260
not...
419
00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:24,530
lying.
420
00:15:24,530 --> 00:15:27,200
He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
421
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,260
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
422
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:31,730
Go inside,
Mrs. Matsen!
Mrs. Matsen,
go inside!
423
00:15:34,730 --> 00:15:36,830
Is there anything I can do
to make this better?
424
00:15:36,830 --> 00:15:38,460
No.
425
00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:42,130
* Let's go to the mall,
everybody! *
426
00:15:42,130 --> 00:15:43,900
Hello.
427
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,530
Ted, it's me! It's Barney
It's me! I need your help!
428
00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:46,630
I'm in big trouble!
429
00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:49,200
Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down.
What happened?
430
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:51,060
I'm guessing something
431
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:52,830
that explosive
has to be registered
432
00:15:52,830 --> 00:15:55,230
with the proper authorities.
433
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:56,530
Get out of the car.
434
00:15:56,530 --> 00:15:58,700
Why, am I under arrest?
435
00:15:58,700 --> 00:15:59,600
Yes, you are.
436
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,730
I ran your plates.
437
00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:01,960
You've had 15 moving violations
438
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,230
in the last three days.
439
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,600
Get out of the car.
440
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,630
But no, my wife's having a baby!
441
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,560
I have a sausage
with your name on it!
442
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,660
Out of the car now!
443
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:10,800
(screaming)
444
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,500
I need you to come
to Brazzaville, New Jersey
445
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:14,560
and bail me out.
446
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,330
I'm kind of in the middle
of something.
447
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:17,630
Hurry, Ted.
448
00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:19,360
You have no idea of the kind
of the hardened criminals
449
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,630
they've got me in here with.
450
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:23,200
Are we gonna get
our spray paint back?
451
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,300
Save me, Ted!
452
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,860
You want to do
something for me?
453
00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:30,430
I need a ride to New Jersey.
454
00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:32,200
Okay.
455
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,730
You'll pay for tolls, right?
456
00:16:34,530 --> 00:16:35,700
I'm kidding.
457
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,800
So Stella and I drove
all the way out to New Jersey,
458
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,900
bailed your Uncle Barney
out of jail
459
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,430
and drove all the way home.
460
00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:45,700
Oh, by the way, Ted, how's
that girl you've been seeing?
461
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,600
That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?
462
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,260
Oh, you mean Claudette?
463
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,730
She's, uh,
she's fine.
464
00:16:52,730 --> 00:16:56,000
Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.
465
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,160
Ever! Bye, Stella.
466
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,800
Bye.
467
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:07,330
Ted... I'm so sorry again
about everything.
468
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,400
For what it's worth...
469
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,600
I'll talk to Tony.
470
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,430
Really?
471
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:15,000
I want you to be happy, Stella.
472
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,600
I'll talk to him.
473
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,000
And I did.
474
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,930
I don't remember
what I said to him,
475
00:17:20,930 --> 00:17:23,030
but I guess I changed his mind
476
00:17:23,030 --> 00:17:26,700
because the next day,
they flew to California.
477
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:29,500
Stella set up a new dermatology
practice.
478
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,160
And against all odds,
479
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,360
Tony found some success
as a screenwriter.
480
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,860
His movie, The Wedding Bride,
was a big hit.
481
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,960
But we'll get to that later.
482
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,400
Okay, but just
tell me this.
483
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,730
Why Tony?
484
00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:44,930
I mean, is it the money,
the kung fu pajamas?
485
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:47,800
Like, what...
what is it?
486
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,760
He's the one.
487
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:53,000
The one.
488
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,430
Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy,
but, yeah.
489
00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:03,100
Okay, I'm gonna say something
out loud that I've been doing
490
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,160
a pretty good job of not
saying out loud lately.
491
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:09,560
What you and Tony have--
492
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:13,060
what I thought for a second
you and I had...
493
00:18:14,030 --> 00:18:18,500
...what I know that Marshall
and Lily have...
494
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,160
I want that.
495
00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:23,630
I do.
496
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:26,600
I keep waiting for it to happen
and waiting for it to happen,
497
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,730
and...
498
00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:32,430
I guess I'm just, um...
499
00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:34,800
I'm tired of waiting.
500
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:39,830
And that is all I'm going
to say on that subject.
501
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:47,130
You know, I once talked my way
out of a speeding ticket?
502
00:18:47,130 --> 00:18:48,260
Really?
503
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,460
I was heading upstate
to my parents' house
504
00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:52,330
doing, like, 90
on this country road,
505
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,030
and I got pulled over.
506
00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:55,960
So this cop gets out of his car.
507
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,800
He kind of swaggers on over
and he's, like, "Young lady,
508
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,560
I have been waiting for you
all day."
509
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,130
So I looked up at him and I
said, "I'm so sorry, Officer.
510
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:07,030
I got here as fast as I could."
511
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:09,230
(chuckles):
For real?
512
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:10,830
(laughs softly):
No.
513
00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:12,200
It's an old joke.
514
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,900
I know that you're
tired of waiting,
515
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:21,960
and you may have to wait
a little while more,
516
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,030
but she's on her way, Ted.
517
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:30,700
And she's getting here
as fast as she can.
518
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,200
Bye, Stella.
519
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,860
Good-bye, Ted.
520
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:45,560
* If it ever ends
521
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:51,160
* And somehow, you have
shattered my defense *
522
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:55,100
* And this is gonna hurt
523
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:58,860
* If it ever starts
524
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:01,860
* So promise you'll be careful
525
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:05,460
* With my heart
526
00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:17,100
She tracked me down two days
later using a phone book.
527
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,200
And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.
528
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,530
(both chuckle)
529
00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:22,800
Hey.
530
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,230
Hey, Lily!
Lily!
531
00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:26,060
You're back!
532
00:20:26,060 --> 00:20:28,300
Barney, when you told me
533
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,060
that peanut butter
and jam joke,
534
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,260
I was completely
disgusted.
535
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,930
But I was in the shower
this morning
536
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,260
and it popped
into my head
537
00:20:36,260 --> 00:20:38,260
and it actually
made me laugh.
538
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:39,730
Peanut butter.
539
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:43,200
So I can see now
how I may have overreacted.
540
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,900
Marshall's words,
not mine.
541
00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:47,830
Well, it's good to
see you again, Lily.
542
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,860
Thanks.
543
00:20:48,860 --> 00:20:50,230
So what have you
been up to?
544
00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:51,800
I'm going to an
amnesia ward
545
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,660
with a bunch of photos
of my children
546
00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:54,860
and a wedding ring.
547
00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:56,930
I'm gonna find the hottest
patient/my wife,
548
00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:58,260
and we are going...
549
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:01,000
Okay, so that's good
enough for tonight.
550
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,360
I gotta ease back
into this.
551
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:03,361
See you tomorrow!
552
00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:04,362
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