1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:02,120 Kids When I first moved to New York, 2 00:00:02,130 --> 00:00:03,320 It was dingy, disgusting, 3 00:00:03,330 --> 00:00:07,320 Dirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky 4 00:00:07,330 --> 00:00:09,960 And altogether terrifying, but then, 5 00:00:09,970 --> 00:00:12,150 The most awful thing happened-- 6 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,230 The whole city started to go uphill. 7 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:16,750 The streets got a little cleaner, 8 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,160 The rents got a little higher, and one by one, 9 00:00:19,170 --> 00:00:22,710 The crappy old places we loved began to disappear. 10 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:25,200 The elbow room, an old punk rock club, 11 00:00:25,210 --> 00:00:26,900 Became a drugstore; 12 00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:29,880 Mchale's, a working-class watering hole, 13 00:00:29,890 --> 00:00:31,860 Became a fast-food place; 14 00:00:31,870 --> 00:00:34,880 And fez, a moroccan-themed lounge, 15 00:00:34,890 --> 00:00:36,430 Became a bank. 16 00:00:36,690 --> 00:00:37,960 And not just any bank. 17 00:00:37,970 --> 00:00:40,240 Goliath national bank. 18 00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:42,380 The world leader in credit and banking. 19 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:45,460 God, I love Goliath National Bank! 20 00:00:45,470 --> 00:00:46,860 Okay, first of all, 21 00:00:46,870 --> 00:00:48,900 You look like the last pick in the draft. 22 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:49,970 And, uh, second, 23 00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,240 Why are you so excited about some bank? 24 00:00:51,250 --> 00:00:54,180 Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. Ah. 25 00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:55,290 Took two months. 26 00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:58,060 Cost 2,000 jobs. Oh! 27 00:00:58,070 --> 00:00:59,580 It was brutal. 28 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:02,170 Who wants a t-shirt? 29 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:03,720 Hey, Marshall, 30 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,540 They're hiring in the legal department. 31 00:01:05,550 --> 00:01:06,810 I could get you a job. 32 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:10,410 Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job 33 00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:11,840 Just to go work at a bank. 34 00:01:11,850 --> 00:01:14,360 He's gonna be an environmental lawyer. 35 00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:16,070 That was the plan, anyway. 36 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,460 Over the next few weeks, 37 00:01:17,470 --> 00:01:18,910 Marshall went on a lot of interviews. 38 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,440 You are confident, 39 00:01:20,450 --> 00:01:22,050 You are energetic, 40 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,780 You are focused! 41 00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:25,530 A lot of interviews. 42 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:27,640 You are flexible on salary, 43 00:01:27,820 --> 00:01:29,780 You're willing to compromise, 44 00:01:30,130 --> 00:01:32,300 You're not gonna cry this time. 45 00:01:32,770 --> 00:01:34,120 Too many interviews. 46 00:01:34,130 --> 00:01:35,780 You are sad, 47 00:01:36,070 --> 00:01:37,850 You are beaten down, 48 00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:40,700 You will get through this, come home, 49 00:01:40,710 --> 00:01:44,210 Get in your big underpants and take a nap. 50 00:01:45,290 --> 00:01:47,710 Which brings us to september 29, 51 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,720 The night of the burger. 52 00:01:49,730 --> 00:01:51,990 So, um, what do you guys want to do for dinner? 53 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,660 Oh, we just got a new cook. 54 00:01:53,670 --> 00:01:55,310 You have to try the burger-- it's amazing. 55 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,980 Oh, great-- we'll take five of those. 56 00:01:56,990 --> 00:01:57,920 Five burgers. 57 00:01:57,930 --> 00:01:59,290 Whoa, um, really? 58 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:00,440 You-you want to eat here? 59 00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:01,520 Yeah, I'm freaking starving. 60 00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:02,480 I just finished a seven-day cleanse. 61 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,470 I thought you just started that yesterday. 62 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,120 I finished early, okay? 63 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,160 Five of those. 64 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,500 Five burgers. Whoa, um, wait. 65 00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,550 What about sushi? Oh, we had sushi last night. 66 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,390 Italian. I had italian for lunch. 67 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,440 I can come back. No. We always do this. 68 00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:17,340 We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, 69 00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:18,660 And then we end up eating here anyway. 70 00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:20,630 I haven't eaten for two days. 71 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,630 Can we please, for the love of god, 72 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,850 Just order something now? 73 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,330 Chinese? 74 00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:29,760 I don't like chinese. 75 00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:30,540 Indian? 76 00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:32,290 I just said I don't like chinese. 77 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,940 Indian isn't chinese. 78 00:02:33,950 --> 00:02:36,130 Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. 79 00:02:36,140 --> 00:02:37,590 Why are we splitting hairs? 80 00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:39,350 Mexican? 81 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,120 I just said I don't like chinese. 82 00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:58,320 Robin, yours will be right out. 83 00:02:59,650 --> 00:03:01,460 Of course, mine comes last. 84 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:05,740 Go ahead, start without me. 85 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,930 Sweet! Oh. You shouldn't have. 86 00:03:07,940 --> 00:03:09,140 That's so kind of you. Thank you. 87 00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:14,470 Mmm! Oh, my god. 88 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,560 This burger is so good. 89 00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:18,570 It's like christmas in my mouth-- 90 00:03:18,580 --> 00:03:20,220 Meat christmas. 91 00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:22,930 It's like an angel from heaven 92 00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:25,280 Landed in the kitchen at Maclaren's. 93 00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:28,880 Where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder. 94 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:33,270 I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut. 95 00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,120 It's okay. 96 00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:37,590 Are you kidding me?! 97 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,960 Guys, guys, guys. 98 00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:40,830 When you've had the best burger in New York city, 99 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,000 Every other burger 100 00:03:42,010 --> 00:03:43,830 Tastes like my grandpa's feet. 101 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,070 But you guys 102 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,220 Eat up, enjoy my grandpa's feet. 103 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,930 Oh, and you've had the best burger in New York. 104 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:54,520 It was eight years ago, my first week in New York, 105 00:03:54,530 --> 00:03:56,420 And for a kid from minnesota, 106 00:03:56,430 --> 00:03:58,750 The big city was a scary place. 107 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,510 Oh, thank god it's just you. 108 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,520 You are being ridiculous. 109 00:04:07,530 --> 00:04:09,200 Tell me you left the apartment today. 110 00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:10,200 Why would I have to leave? 111 00:04:10,210 --> 00:04:11,510 I can have anything I want delivered, 112 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,200 And New York city cable is awesome. 113 00:04:13,210 --> 00:04:14,470 Have you seen this public access show 114 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,330 With the old jewish lady in a bikini? 115 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,630 It's, it's disgusting. 116 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,820 Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. 117 00:04:19,830 --> 00:04:21,360 You are not gonna get mugged. 118 00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:23,120 Well, what if I do, Ted, all right? 119 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,350 I don't have a switchblade. 120 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,410 I don't, I don't know how to, how to break-dance 121 00:04:26,420 --> 00:04:27,780 And win the begrudging respect of a street gang. 122 00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:29,750 All right, that's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go. 123 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,860 No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. 124 00:04:31,870 --> 00:04:33,430 I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable. Go! 125 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,560 Go outside, go, go. 126 00:04:35,570 --> 00:04:36,780 Okay. 127 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:41,880 Leave the bat. 128 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,160 Fine. 129 00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:46,840 So I went for a walk in the big, scary city. 130 00:04:46,850 --> 00:04:48,850 And I discovered 131 00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:50,270 It wasn't scary at all. 132 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,560 What's the word? 133 00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:56,420 Your search is over! 134 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,610 And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, 135 00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:01,130 I turned a corner... 136 00:05:03,590 --> 00:05:04,990 ...And there it was. 137 00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:07,780 The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw, 138 00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:10,890 Tucked between a taxidermist and a triple-x bookstore. 139 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:13,860 Name two places where things get stuffed. 140 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,650 So, I went inside. 141 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,760 And I ordered the burger. 142 00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:22,630 Thank you. 143 00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:05,310 Ted. 144 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,640 Ted, you got to wake up. Ted, wake... 145 00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:10,270 Oh, my god. 146 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:11,840 I'm so sorry. Are you okay? 147 00:06:11,850 --> 00:06:13,430 I'm all right. 148 00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:14,970 Ted. 149 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,790 Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! 150 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,740 It's this awesome little place, Regis Philbin eats there, 151 00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:21,250 So it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. 152 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,700 But the burger, Ted. The burger. 153 00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:26,920 Dude. I want one of those burgers right now! 154 00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:29,130 Do you think they're still open? I don't know. 155 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,900 Does stuff in New York stay open past... 9:30? 156 00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:34,410 So we went out to get another burger. 157 00:06:34,420 --> 00:06:36,290 But after hours of searching... 158 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,160 Damn it! 159 00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:38,650 Where is this place? 160 00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:39,820 You couldn't find it? 161 00:06:39,830 --> 00:06:41,030 We didn't know our way around. 162 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,810 Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours 163 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:44,740 And one very helpful drag queen. 164 00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:46,760 Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen? 165 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:49,680 Well, where do you think it was? 166 00:06:49,690 --> 00:06:51,470 Probably tucked between her legs. 167 00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,550 You know what's not a drag? 168 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,940 Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. 169 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,090 I'm just saying. 170 00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,930 Anyways, um, we never found the place. 171 00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:02,780 Now, eight years have passed, 172 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,410 Still... No burger. 173 00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,420 I couldn't help but overhear. 174 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,410 Okay, here we go. 175 00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:12,650 I know the place you're talking about. 176 00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:13,830 No, you don't. 177 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,080 It's a place called the corner bistro. 178 00:07:16,090 --> 00:07:17,660 Great burger. 179 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:20,810 Oh, the corner bistro! 180 00:07:21,630 --> 00:07:23,450 It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life 181 00:07:23,460 --> 00:07:24,950 Searching for the best burger in New York city, 182 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,710 But silly me, 183 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,310 It never occurred to me to check 184 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,300 The highest-rated burger in the zagat guide. 185 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,480 Wow, thanks a lot, guy. 186 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,270 Let me return the favor. 187 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,810 Coffee? Starbucks. Shh! 188 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,530 So I take it you've tried the corner bistro. 189 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:47,980 Robin, I've tried every so-called best burger 190 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:50,240 In New York city trying to find that burger. 191 00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:12,070 We're going. 192 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,590 But none of those places even came close. 193 00:08:15,610 --> 00:08:16,830 Hey, there was that one time 194 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,060 We thought we had a break in the case, remember? Ah. 195 00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:19,850 Get this. 196 00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:21,210 You know who works out at my gym? 197 00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:22,640 Regis Philbin. 198 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,670 The autographed picture. 199 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:27,000 Of course I remember the place. 200 00:08:27,010 --> 00:08:29,280 It was the best burger I ever had. 201 00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,740 I still have dreams about this burger. 202 00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:34,260 Beautiful, haunting dreams! 203 00:08:34,270 --> 00:08:36,110 I wake up at night screaming, 204 00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:37,960 "get out of my head, burger! 205 00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,310 Get out!" 206 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,340 That's the one, mr. Philbin. 207 00:08:40,350 --> 00:08:41,690 Do you remember where it is? No! 208 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:43,030 I never wrote it down. 209 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,540 But not a day goes by 210 00:08:45,590 --> 00:08:47,320 That I don't Regret it. 211 00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,090 Why? Why? 212 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,330 Do you know where it is? 213 00:08:49,340 --> 00:08:50,600 No. Huh? And if you tell me 214 00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:51,480 It's at the corner bistro, 215 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:53,150 I'm gonna smack you right in the face! 216 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,480 No, we don't, we don't know where it is. 217 00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:55,360 Listen, blondie! Oh! 218 00:08:55,370 --> 00:08:56,940 Don't mess with me! 219 00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:58,900 Daddy needs his meat. 220 00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:00,740 I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear! 221 00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,150 What about you, lurch? 222 00:09:04,550 --> 00:09:06,470 And what about you, satchel-mouth? 223 00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:09,490 This is my cell. 224 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:12,420 You find that burger, you call me day or night. 225 00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:14,830 Okay, Regis, we will, we will. All right, 226 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,280 So what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger! 227 00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:18,390 All right, all right. Let's go, all of you! 228 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,780 That's where my story ends. 229 00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:23,940 Now I'm doomed to walk the earth 230 00:09:23,950 --> 00:09:25,980 Forever searching for that green door 231 00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:28,750 And that red neon sign that says "burger." 232 00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:31,790 Green door, red neon sign that says "burger?" 233 00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:33,210 Yeah. I know that place. I've walked by it 234 00:09:33,220 --> 00:09:33,960 A million times. 235 00:09:33,970 --> 00:09:35,040 It's on west 12th, 236 00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:36,510 Right off of 7th. 237 00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:39,510 I knew it was on a numbered street! 238 00:09:40,070 --> 00:09:41,100 Finally. 239 00:09:41,110 --> 00:09:41,800 No! Robin! 240 00:09:41,810 --> 00:09:43,820 If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, 241 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:46,060 It's gonna be the best burger in New York. 242 00:09:46,070 --> 00:09:47,990 We're going downtown! 243 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,980 I cannot believe we finally gonna have this burger. 244 00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:58,550 Honey, I'm so excited for you. 245 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,180 After all these interviews, 246 00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:01,860 After all these disappointments, 247 00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:04,600 You deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat. 248 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,660 You know what else is a mouthful? 249 00:10:06,670 --> 00:10:08,890 All that double-talk other banks give you. 250 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:09,780 At Goliath, 251 00:10:09,790 --> 00:10:10,860 Customer satisfaction 252 00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:12,380 Is our most important investment. 253 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,430 Barney, I hate to break this to you, 254 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,550 But working for a bank's kind of lame. 255 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:17,600 Oh, yeah. 256 00:10:17,610 --> 00:10:20,270 How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? 257 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,160 How lame is 3.3% apy online savings? Yeah! 258 00:10:24,170 --> 00:10:25,280 That's right. 259 00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,320 Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, 260 00:10:27,330 --> 00:10:28,870 But you left me no choice. 261 00:10:30,990 --> 00:10:32,330 We should probably call Regis. 262 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,120 Reg... 263 00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:35,400 Oh, that guy scares me. 264 00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:36,990 I think I'll leave him a text. 265 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,540 Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. 266 00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:40,990 The one before that was tails. 267 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,460 You polled the audience, 268 00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:44,400 They came out split, 50/50. 269 00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:46,040 No help at all there. 270 00:10:46,050 --> 00:10:50,930 So, for $258,000... 271 00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:52,200 I have to ask you, Kathy, 272 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,880 What's that gonna be? 273 00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:55,360 Heads... 274 00:10:55,970 --> 00:10:57,070 ...Or... 275 00:10:58,390 --> 00:10:59,300 Excuse me. 276 00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:01,970 Oh, boy. I-i've got to go. 277 00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:03,430 I've got to go! 278 00:11:05,740 --> 00:11:07,300 Green door, red neon sign. 279 00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:09,800 Guys, this is the place. 280 00:11:09,810 --> 00:11:10,700 Oh, n-no, I've actually, I've actually, 281 00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:11,780 Um, I prepared a few words. 282 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,640 I will eat your Hand. All right, well, let's just go inside then. 283 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:15,640 Shall we? 284 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:17,680 Thank you. You're welcome. 285 00:11:17,690 --> 00:11:19,080 Yours will be right out. 286 00:11:22,110 --> 00:11:23,510 Please, go ahead, start. 287 00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:25,880 Oh, no... Oh... Just shut up and eat. 288 00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:26,860 All right. 289 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,480 Oh, my god. 290 00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:33,630 I'm never brushing my teeth again 291 00:11:33,740 --> 00:11:36,190 Unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger. 292 00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:40,000 I think I just had my first burg-asm. 293 00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:42,440 I want... 294 00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:46,450 To take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, 295 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,100 Then take it back to my place, 296 00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:51,040 Put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, 297 00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:54,860 And then I would just... Fool around a little bit. 298 00:11:54,870 --> 00:11:57,380 Nothing serious-- just take it slow, you know? 299 00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,160 This isn't it. 300 00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:00,030 What?! Marshall. 301 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,170 It's not it. 302 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,130 Okay, Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... 303 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,200 Is it at all possible this is the same burger 304 00:12:06,210 --> 00:12:07,360 You had eight years ago, 305 00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:08,620 Only it could never live up 306 00:12:08,630 --> 00:12:09,690 To your ridiculously high expectations? 307 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,530 I mean, it is just a burger. 308 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:12,760 Just a burger? 309 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,080 Just a burger? 310 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:16,870 Robin, 311 00:12:16,890 --> 00:12:19,740 It's so much more than just a burger. 312 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,110 I, I mean, that first bite-- 313 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,500 Oh, what heaven that first bite is. 314 00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:30,680 The bun, like a sesame- freckled breast of an angel, 315 00:12:30,690 --> 00:12:33,500 Resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. 316 00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:37,120 Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. 317 00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:38,780 And then... 318 00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:41,850 ...A pickle-- 319 00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:45,580 The most playful little pickle, 320 00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,370 And then a slice of tomato, 321 00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:49,460 A leaf of lettuce, and a, 322 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,680 A patty of ground beef 323 00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:54,680 So exquisite... 324 00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:57,040 Swirling in your mouth, 325 00:12:57,050 --> 00:12:59,390 Breaking apart and combining again in a fugue 326 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,100 Of sweets and savories so... 327 00:13:03,290 --> 00:13:04,890 Delightful. 328 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,420 This is no mere sandwich 329 00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:09,160 Of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. 330 00:13:09,170 --> 00:13:13,260 This is god speaking to us through food. 331 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,840 And you got our wedding vows off the internet. 332 00:13:20,670 --> 00:13:23,880 Okay, uh, look, so, so this, this isn't the place. 333 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,900 All right, it's no big deal. 334 00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:27,060 It's another place with a green door 335 00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:29,240 And a red neon sign that says "burger." 336 00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:31,380 I'll just, uh, I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan 337 00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:34,780 And ask 'em what color their door is. 338 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,090 No big deal, right? 339 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,260 Let's do this. 340 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,600 I'm going to go out on a limb here 341 00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:45,710 And say this isn't just about a burger. 342 00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,590 Marshall's not doing so well, guys. 343 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:49,890 He really needs to get a job. 344 00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,430 Tell them about the underpants. 345 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,120 What about the underpants? 346 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,780 It started a couple of weeks ago. 347 00:13:57,290 --> 00:13:58,230 Heads! 348 00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,830 It's going to be heads. 349 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,670 It's almost usually heads. 350 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:03,540 Hey, baby. 351 00:14:05,610 --> 00:14:07,610 Did you put on pants today? 352 00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:08,810 Nope. 353 00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:14,530 It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. 354 00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:16,290 I thought, "okay, well, 355 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,010 At least he's not leaving the house like that." 356 00:14:18,410 --> 00:14:21,440 Then, one day, he opened the door to get the paper. 357 00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:23,560 Day after that, 358 00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:25,710 Went downstairs to get the mail. 359 00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:28,810 Everyone's got an underpants radius. 360 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,000 For most of us, 361 00:14:30,010 --> 00:14:32,390 It's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, 362 00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,310 But as your self- esteem gets smaller, 363 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,310 Your underpants radius gets bigger. 364 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,730 How big is Marshall's underpants radius? 365 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,240 We're going. 366 00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:52,080 Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually. 367 00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:54,170 You know, Lil, when times are tough, 368 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,280 I like to remember the uplifting words 369 00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:56,830 Of my favorite song. 370 00:14:56,900 --> 00:15:00,660 * we'll be on your side when you need a friend * 371 00:15:00,670 --> 00:15:03,660 * through thick and thin * 372 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,880 * you can always depend * 373 00:15:04,890 --> 00:15:06,450 * on the world leaders * 374 00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:10,280 * in credit and banking... * 375 00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:14,470 * Goliath National Bank. * 376 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:15,930 Member fdic. 377 00:15:17,030 --> 00:15:18,890 We've got to find Marshall that burger. 378 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,730 Lily, I think we're all eating that burger. 379 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,140 I'm not eating that burger. 380 00:15:22,150 --> 00:15:24,320 No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, 381 00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:25,400 This isn't the burger. 382 00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:27,140 Finally. Excuse me. 383 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:27,370 Yes. Did you guys 384 00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:30,400 Change cooks or something? Because my husband 385 00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:31,590 Was here five years ago, 386 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,930 And he's pretty sure he had a different burger. 387 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,920 Yeah, we get this a lot. 388 00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:37,550 This place is modeled after this other place uptown 389 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,440 With the same green door and "burger" sign. 390 00:15:39,450 --> 00:15:40,330 What? Uptown? Where? 391 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,850 106th and Manhattan avenue. 392 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,790 Damn it. 393 00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,230 106. 394 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,340 A numbered street. 395 00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:52,670 Of course. 396 00:15:54,350 --> 00:15:55,210 Barney Stinson. 397 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,670 Barney, where the hell are you? 398 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,730 I'm sorry, this is...? 399 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:01,520 Regis. I'm at the place. 400 00:16:01,530 --> 00:16:03,400 Oh, Regis, of course. 401 00:16:03,410 --> 00:16:05,150 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 402 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:05,990 I forgot to call you. 403 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,000 That's not the place. 404 00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:08,940 The real place is on 106th and Manhattan avenue. 405 00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:10,000 We're headed there right now. 406 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,840 What?! Uptown?! 407 00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,270 Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. 408 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,030 If you get there first, medium rare. Onions? 409 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,290 Onions?! Okay, no onions. 410 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,740 Stop the cab! 411 00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:31,310 Wait. 412 00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:32,680 This is it. 413 00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:34,880 Your search is over. 414 00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:37,380 We got girls taking off their clothes. 415 00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:38,610 This is it. 416 00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:51,410 One of 9,000 convenient locations. 417 00:16:55,470 --> 00:16:56,780 It was ri-- it was right here. 418 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:59,810 It was, it was right on this very spot. 419 00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:02,240 I don't understand. Where is the burger place? 420 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,720 It's not a burger place anymore; it's a... 421 00:17:03,730 --> 00:17:06,010 Goliath national bank atm. W-well, that's fine. 422 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,340 Let's just eat here. 423 00:17:07,790 --> 00:17:08,600 We can't eat here. 424 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:09,960 It's an atm. 425 00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:12,030 But food. 426 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,180 Ow, ow, hey, what the--? 427 00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:16,910 This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. 428 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,990 You did this. It's not my-- stop, okay. 429 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:20,960 Stop that, Lily. 430 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:24,040 I will never use a Goliath atm ever again. 431 00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:26,600 Goliath national bank sucks. 432 00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:29,470 It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. 433 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,840 Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks! 434 00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:33,730 They suck! 435 00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:35,000 Aw, geez. They suck, 436 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,700 Suck, suck! Marshall, will you just tell her already? 437 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,630 Tell me what? 438 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:41,490 Tell me what? 439 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,110 I got a job. 440 00:17:43,590 --> 00:17:44,810 What? Where? 441 00:17:46,050 --> 00:17:47,420 Goliath national bank. 442 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:49,930 That's why Barney's 443 00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:51,200 Been going on and on about how, how great Goliath is. 444 00:17:51,210 --> 00:17:51,890 He wanted you to be excited for me 445 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:54,010 Since we're going to be working there together. 446 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,170 Well, technically not together. 447 00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:58,090 You won't have access to my floor. 448 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,230 But you want to be an environmental lawyer. 449 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,790 Yeah, you know, and I also want 450 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,300 To be a harlem globetrotter and get paid in candy, but... 451 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:07,580 In the meantime, 452 00:18:07,690 --> 00:18:10,860 I need a job, and this is, this is a really good one. 453 00:18:10,870 --> 00:18:14,050 It's great pay and there's good benefits, 454 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,880 And to be honest, 455 00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:19,050 It gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. 456 00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:20,690 You know, I have my whole life 457 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,830 To save the planet, but right now 458 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,590 I'm, I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again. 459 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:26,510 You've got great pants. 460 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:28,620 I love you. 461 00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:29,800 I love you. 462 00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,190 Robin, no. 463 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,490 They're unopened. Give it. 464 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,190 They're barbecue. Give it! 465 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,250 I'm sorry you didn't get your burger. 466 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,340 It's stupid. 467 00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,260 I think about that first week in New York. 468 00:18:41,270 --> 00:18:42,070 You know? 469 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,810 I was 22 years old. 470 00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,160 I had my whole future ahead of me. 471 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,240 I guess I just kind of thought that 472 00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,900 If I could have that burger one more time 473 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,690 And feel that way for one more night, 474 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,100 That I might be able to check that off the list, 475 00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:56,420 And grow up, 476 00:18:56,930 --> 00:19:00,150 Go work for the stupid bank, and just be happy. 477 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,670 You know, that burger place isn't gone. 478 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,590 It just moved to a new location. 479 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:06,460 And I can tell you 480 00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:08,100 Where that is for a hundred bucks. 481 00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:09,010 A hundred bucks? 482 00:19:09,020 --> 00:19:10,350 That's crazy. 483 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,240 Let's pay the man. 484 00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:14,480 I paid for the cab. 485 00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:16,280 I don't have any cash. I haven't worked since march. 486 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,240 Wow, if only there were an easy, 487 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:22,610 Convenient way to get some cash right now. 488 00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:33,350 Member fdic. 489 00:19:34,690 --> 00:19:37,950 So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later... 490 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:39,180 Thank you. 491 00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:40,780 All right, Marshall, remember. 492 00:19:40,790 --> 00:19:42,120 It might not taste as good. 493 00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:45,090 This place has changed, you've changed, New York has changed. 494 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,090 Just... Don't get your hopes up too high, okay? 495 00:19:58,570 --> 00:19:59,350 This is it. 496 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:00,310 Yes! 497 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,630 It's exactly the same. 498 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,710 It's the best burger in New York. 499 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,830 Go ahead, eat up, eat up. 500 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,310 And so, after finally tasting again 501 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,590 The burger he'd craved for so many years, 502 00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:16,000 Marshall got up the next morning, put on some pants. 503 00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:23,580 I want to get tiny fitted sheets 504 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,950 For this burger, and just crawl into this bun, 505 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,380 Get all cozy, and die there. 506 00:20:29,550 --> 00:20:30,440 Oh, myod. 507 00:20:30,450 --> 00:20:34,040 I just want you inside of me. 508 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,750 This feels so good. 509 00:20:37,350 --> 00:20:40,180 I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant. 510 00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:42,270 If he does get that burger pregnant, 511 00:20:42,510 --> 00:20:45,470 I have dibs on the delicious burger babies. 512 00:20:47,410 --> 00:20:48,340 This isn't it. 513 00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:50,590 What?! No, Regis Philbin. 514 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,180 Come on. 515 00:20:51,190 --> 00:20:52,340 That's outrageous. 516 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,250 That is unbelievable. 517 00:20:55,190 --> 00:20:56,160 Wait.