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Kids, in the spring of 2008,
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something kinda strange had been
happening to your Uncle Barney.
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He'd be doing
great with a woman...
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So I throw the pressurized
oxygen tank in his mouth,
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I shoot the tank, boom!
No more shark.
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Mr. Holland and I
swim back to shore.
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Let me freshen your drink.
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He'd only be gone a few moments,
but when he returned...
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So where were we?
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...he'd get slapped.
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It kept happening.
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Until finally, Lily was approached
by a mysterious woman
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who warned her
to stay away from Barney.
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So when it happened once more...
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Again?! Really?!
Wait...
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...Barney knew who to look for.
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Hey, excuse me.
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Did I sleep with you and
then totally screw you over?
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No.
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What are you doing on Friday?
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Amy?
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Abby.
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Right.
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Sync by vNaru
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Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
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A rainbow!
That's beautiful!
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What a beautiful rainbow!
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Another rainbow?
It's beautiful!
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But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
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You're kidding me. Seriously,
aren't you sick of these things?
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Hey, how was yo day?
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Today, I yelled at a little girl
for painting a rainbow.
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A rainbow? Sounds like
that bitch had it coming.
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So, uh, I just met with
the contractor.
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And it turns out, that fixing
the floors of the new apartment
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is going to cost a lot more
than the estimate.
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But we can barely
afford that to begin with.
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I hate to say this,
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but I think you're going to have
to sell your stuff.
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Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game
we play in the bedroom.
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I mean your clothes. All those
designer pieces and everything.
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What?
Why just my clothes?
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We can sell my stuff, too,
but I got to tell you,
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I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress
is going to go for a lot more than my
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- "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
- Dude.
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I'm not selling that.
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- I've already made the Website.
- You made a Website?
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Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall
-sell-their-stuff-dot-com."
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00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,888
No, you know what would be
a better name for the site?
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Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage
-bag-for-the-next-three-years-dot-com.
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That's real.
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Now I'm worried. That woman is actually
wearing a garbage bag.
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Hmm, but, girlfriend,
you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
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Why are you trying
to ruin my life?
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Well, you slept with me and
then you never called me again.
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- And?
- That's it.
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That's it?
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As far as I'm concerned,
if I leave you safe on dry land
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with adequate transportation home,
you've got nothing to complain about.
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Well, it hurt, okay?
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And then Ted, the love of my life,
started dating my boss instead of me.
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Do you know how that feels?
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Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
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- Abby!
- Abby.
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A few weeks ago, Ted
dumped me as his wingman.
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You had a crush on him
for a couple weeks?
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I was Ted's best friend
for seven years.
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- Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
- Seven years!
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Sorry.
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Ted.
What an idiot.
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With his stupid "meaningful
relationship" with Stella.
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- Ted.
- Ted.
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- I hate Ted.
- I hate Ted more.
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- Are you as turned on as I am?
- Probably not quite as much.
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I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
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I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
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I am Abby.
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Oh, cool.
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This is insane.
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Has Lily even worn
half this stuff?
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00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:38,568
Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your
closet you've never worn?
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As a matter of fact,
no, there isn't.
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Whatever, red cowboy boots.
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Those are nice boots.
I totally pull those off.
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If I were to say
"Ted could never pull them off,"
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- what would I be talking about?
- His red cowboy boots.
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I totally pull them off!
It's a classic Western look.
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Oh, okay, uh, today's category:
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classic Westerns that involve
red cowboy boots.
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Robin.
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"The Good, the Bad,
and the Fabulous."
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"The Magnificent Kevin."
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"No Country for Straight Men."
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I don't want to sell my clothes!
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I know, sweetie.
Come here.
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Is this a hundred percent silk?
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Lily, listen,
we really need the money.
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I have some leads on a job,
but until then, I just...
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I don't know what else
we can do.
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I'll sell my paintings!
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What?
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Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.
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Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
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Yeah. Totally.
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But...
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Kids, sometimes you can do something
right a thousand times in a row...
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I love it.
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It's a masterpiece.
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That's it.
We're selling the TV.
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I just want to come home
and stare at this all day.
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Somebody call the cops!
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My wife stole an awesome painting
from the museum!
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But then, that
thousand-and-first time...
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...that kind of money
only goes for real paintings.
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What does that mean?
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Look, it just means that we need money
right now and I'm not sure that
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selling your paintings
is how we're going to get it.
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You don't believe in me.
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No, wait, wait!
Of c...
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of course I believe in you!
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Marshall, I am proud
of my work as an artist.
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My paintings are good.
I bet Robin would buy one.
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What now?
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I love your painting, I just...
I'm trying to be realistic.
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Well, how much money do we need
for the contractor to finish the job?
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About 1,500 bucks.
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So, if I can sell three of my paintings
at 500 bucks a pop, then
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I get to keep all my clothes.
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- We need money fast.
- Well, give me a week.
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Okay, a week.
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- Fine.
- Fine.
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Fine.
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Pulling. Them. Off.
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Lily's first move in the great
art challenge of 2008
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was to display one of her favorite
paintings at her friend's gallery.
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The night didn't go so well.
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But then at the last minute...
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- I love it.
- You do?
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Your top. It's gorgeous.
Is that 100% silk?
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It's not for sale!
My clothes are not for sale!
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So the next day, Lily took
her painting to a coffee house
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that displayed local artists.
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We've been sitting here for hours and
nobody's even glanced at my painting.
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Come on.
Let's start talking it up.
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I really like that painting!
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It's neat!
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00:08:06,824 --> 00:08:08,916
The-the colors are neat.
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The-the shapes are neat.
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It's really just... neat.
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What?
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00:08:18,051 --> 00:08:19,077
Observe.
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I think there's a dynamic quality
to the brushwork that,
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combined with the fluid composition,
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creates an almost
Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
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Yes, and you can still enjoy it
even if you're not a pretentious douche.
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Can you clarify something
for me about your critique?
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Are the colors "neat" or
are they more "neato burrito?"
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Uh, then again,
red cowboy boots.
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I pull these off!
I pull these off!
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You know what
I hate most about Ted?
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What?
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His stupid hair.
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His stupid, lame awesome hair.
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It's so stupid and awesome.
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You know what
I hate most about Ted?
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What?
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00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:09,656
How he's always like, "Oh, I want to
fall in love and have a relationship.
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00:09:09,761 --> 00:09:13,219
I care about the people I have
sex with." He's so lame.
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He's so lame and awesome.
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You know what he needs?
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00:09:19,231 --> 00:09:22,557
He needs to see just how horrible
he is when he's in a relationship.
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Yeah, and I need to show Ted
that I'm over him.
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Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
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I think so.
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You're thinking
of having sex with Ted?
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After four days without selling a single
painting, Lily was getting desperate.
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Painting for sale!
$500!
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Lifelong dream
hanging in the balance!
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It's like they don't even see us.
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Yeah, we're dirt to them.
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What do you need money for?
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Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood
floors in my new apartment.
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00:09:57,212 --> 00:09:58,089
You?
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00:09:58,522 --> 00:09:59,638
Heroin.
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00:10:03,244 --> 00:10:05,598
- Do you like heroin?
- Love it.
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00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:08,769
If you sell that, I'm going to take
your money and go buy some more heroin.
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00:10:10,793 --> 00:10:13,379
Thanks for your honesty,
Crazy Sock Guy.
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00:10:15,322 --> 00:10:18,158
- Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
- It's not very good.
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And just as she was about
to lose all hope,
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something amazing happened.
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Oh, my God!
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00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:31,147
500 bucks! Who's a real
painter now, Marshall?
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00:10:31,252 --> 00:10:33,339
Honey, I never said
you weren't a real painter.
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00:10:33,544 --> 00:10:35,068
I know, sweetie.
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00:10:35,171 --> 00:10:38,186
And since I'm a
professional artist now,
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00:10:38,291 --> 00:10:40,827
I'm going to sketch you
an Aldrin original,
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00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:44,326
you know, to say thanks for being
such a supportive husband.
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00:10:44,431 --> 00:10:46,316
I'm thinking about calling it...
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00:10:46,423 --> 00:10:47,636
"Suck It!"
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00:10:48,163 --> 00:10:51,557
Lily, come on. I'm proud of you.
Who-who bought it?
201
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:55,018
Well, that's the best part.
A gay couple without kids.
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00:10:55,124 --> 00:10:56,817
A G-CWOK!
203
00:10:57,082 --> 00:10:59,857
- You bagged a G-CWOK?!
- Yeah, that's right.
204
00:10:59,962 --> 00:11:02,707
They are the heart and soul
of the art-buying community.
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00:11:02,811 --> 00:11:05,216
You know what you should do?
You should call up the G-CWOKs
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00:11:05,321 --> 00:11:07,616
and offer them a free painting
if they throw a private art party
207
00:11:07,721 --> 00:11:09,336
for all their G-CWOK friends.
208
00:11:09,443 --> 00:11:12,407
That's an amazing idea.
I'm going to go call them.
209
00:11:12,511 --> 00:11:15,717
I can probably sell two more
paintings with time to spare.
210
00:11:16,211 --> 00:11:19,857
Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something
I had to tell you. What was it?
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00:11:19,961 --> 00:11:21,358
Oh, that's right.
212
00:11:21,492 --> 00:11:22,507
Suck it.
213
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,067
Hey.
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00:11:31,454 --> 00:11:34,066
Ted, fancy bumping
into you here.
215
00:11:34,331 --> 00:11:36,478
Have you guys met
my girlfriend Abby?
216
00:11:37,051 --> 00:11:40,159
- Uh, yeah. Hi, Abby. So...
- Hello, Abby.
217
00:11:40,654 --> 00:11:42,126
So you guys are dating now?
218
00:11:42,321 --> 00:11:43,197
That's right.
219
00:11:43,653 --> 00:11:45,937
I am done with this
whole being awesome thing.
220
00:11:46,182 --> 00:11:48,418
Now I'm all about
farmers' markets and
221
00:11:48,522 --> 00:11:51,746
day hikes in matching khaki cargo
shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
222
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:54,777
That's right.
And girlfriends are lame.
223
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,257
Unless they're me.
I miss you, Ted.
224
00:11:58,504 --> 00:12:00,506
Abby and I are in love.
225
00:12:00,851 --> 00:12:02,826
Not hot passionate love.
226
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:04,239
Couple love.
227
00:12:04,342 --> 00:12:06,718
You know, movie night
with my girlfriend,
228
00:12:06,824 --> 00:12:08,488
then waiting for her
to go to bed
229
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:11,437
so I can steal one pitiful moment
of hollow ecstasy
230
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:13,936
by the cold, blue light
of my computer monitor.
231
00:12:15,184 --> 00:12:17,407
We're showing Ted
how lame he is.
232
00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:19,618
You don't have to say it, though.
233
00:12:20,144 --> 00:12:22,776
Uh, okay, Barney,
you can stop.
234
00:12:22,982 --> 00:12:25,128
Stop what, Ted?
Stop being in love?
235
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:27,409
Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
236
00:12:28,351 --> 00:12:30,177
We can't stop breathing, Ted.
237
00:12:30,284 --> 00:12:31,959
Your hair looks amazing.
238
00:12:33,704 --> 00:12:36,537
Barney, I, I see what you're doing.
Please stop.
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00:12:36,742 --> 00:12:40,756
Not before I share with you what
being in a relationship leads to, Ted.
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00:12:41,402 --> 00:12:43,887
Abby, Pookie Bear...
241
00:12:44,521 --> 00:12:48,507
I am so pathetically
desperate for you, that...
242
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,898
aw, heck, I'll just say it.
243
00:12:54,022 --> 00:12:57,146
- Will you marry me?
- Wait, really?
244
00:12:57,681 --> 00:13:00,358
I would never joke about true love.
245
00:13:01,462 --> 00:13:03,967
- Yes, I'll marry you.
- Okay.
246
00:13:05,664 --> 00:13:07,696
Thank you, thank you.
247
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,118
I have to call my mom.
248
00:13:11,371 --> 00:13:12,579
That's you.
249
00:13:14,074 --> 00:13:16,256
Uh, yeah, I don't think
Abby knows you're kidding.
250
00:13:16,361 --> 00:13:17,919
Uh, yes, she does.
251
00:13:18,194 --> 00:13:20,107
It finally happened, Mama.
252
00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:22,916
I just wish Daddy were alive
to walk me down the aisle.
253
00:13:24,633 --> 00:13:26,297
Totally committed to the bit.
254
00:13:27,521 --> 00:13:30,559
Yes, Lily Aldrin.
I sold you the painting earlier today.
255
00:13:30,762 --> 00:13:32,239
Oh, honey, hello.
256
00:13:32,341 --> 00:13:33,559
You sound happy.
257
00:13:33,764 --> 00:13:35,899
Are you kidding? We're popping
the champagne right now.
258
00:13:36,762 --> 00:13:40,069
Well, I just wanted to offer you
an exclusive chance
259
00:13:40,171 --> 00:13:42,146
to view some of my other paintings.
260
00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:46,408
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh,
I guess I should have told you.
261
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:48,316
We just bought that for the frame.
262
00:13:49,214 --> 00:13:49,916
What?
263
00:13:50,023 --> 00:13:51,808
Yeah, it's an original
Anton Kreutzer,
264
00:13:51,913 --> 00:13:53,827
a very rare frame
from the turn of the century.
265
00:13:54,444 --> 00:13:57,459
So... you didn't like my painting?
266
00:13:57,663 --> 00:14:00,667
Oh, honey, oh, sweetie,
no, not at all.
267
00:14:01,343 --> 00:14:03,636
But you know,
good for you.
268
00:14:07,282 --> 00:14:10,488
Well, if you didn't want
the painting, can I...
269
00:14:10,843 --> 00:14:12,817
can I at least get it back?
270
00:14:13,101 --> 00:14:15,478
Yeah, no,
we don't have it anymore.
271
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:17,016
Where is it?
272
00:14:19,352 --> 00:14:20,297
I see.
273
00:14:22,014 --> 00:14:23,569
H-He threw out my painting.
274
00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:27,486
Champagne for everyone,
on me,
275
00:14:27,752 --> 00:14:30,118
the happiest guy in the world.
276
00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:34,397
Ginger ale.
It's a bit.
277
00:14:37,482 --> 00:14:38,826
This is great.
278
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:40,966
My dream of becoming
an artist is dead,
279
00:14:41,073 --> 00:14:44,967
and now I'm watching my wardrobe
disappear piece by piece.
280
00:14:45,781 --> 00:14:47,488
There goes my favorite dress.
281
00:14:48,712 --> 00:14:50,128
This dress meant a lot to me.
282
00:14:50,491 --> 00:14:52,328
- Really?
- Yeah.
283
00:14:52,551 --> 00:14:56,849
It was spring of 2004 and
I had been having a hard few months.
284
00:14:59,111 --> 00:15:00,916
Day-am.
285
00:15:02,111 --> 00:15:04,659
I got a two-syllable "damn"
in this dress.
286
00:15:05,032 --> 00:15:06,989
A two-syllable "damn."
287
00:15:07,554 --> 00:15:09,278
- That's the dream.
- Yeah.
288
00:15:09,684 --> 00:15:15,656
Now she belongs to...
CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.
289
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,408
It's still in the family.
290
00:15:19,083 --> 00:15:21,166
Lily, you're not going to believe this.
291
00:15:21,492 --> 00:15:23,087
- Something amazing happened.
- What?
292
00:15:23,641 --> 00:15:25,346
I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
293
00:15:25,512 --> 00:15:26,676
Really? Why?
294
00:15:26,784 --> 00:15:28,338
Because I felt guilty.
295
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:31,437
This auction was my idea and now
you've had to sit around all day
296
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:35,806
while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly
pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
297
00:15:38,151 --> 00:15:39,917
It's still in the family.
298
00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:41,658
And more importantly,
299
00:15:41,764 --> 00:15:43,707
I honestly love that painting and
300
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,438
I couldn't stand to think of it
in a trashcan someplace.
301
00:15:46,883 --> 00:15:48,158
Well, what happened?
302
00:15:49,683 --> 00:15:50,917
Well, hello.
303
00:15:51,023 --> 00:15:55,266
Hi, um... Lawrence. I'm here about
the painting my wife Lily sold you...
304
00:15:55,572 --> 00:15:57,227
the one in the nice frame.
305
00:15:57,573 --> 00:16:01,319
Talk about a nice frame.
My, my, you are a big one, aren't you?
306
00:16:01,421 --> 00:16:04,167
And you're married to that little bit
of a thing. How does that work?
307
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,157
I'd like to find out.
308
00:16:07,051 --> 00:16:08,848
Yeah, we get it.
Gay guys like you.
309
00:16:09,413 --> 00:16:10,846
No, Lily,
310
00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:13,567
they love me,
but that's not the important part.
311
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:15,336
Here's the important part.
312
00:16:15,723 --> 00:16:18,547
Since you're clearly a man
of impeccable taste and style,
313
00:16:18,654 --> 00:16:20,489
I came down here to ask you:
314
00:16:21,832 --> 00:16:23,678
what do you think of the boots?
315
00:16:29,231 --> 00:16:29,988
Boots.
316
00:16:35,323 --> 00:16:38,326
Pulling. Them. Off.
317
00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:43,568
I'll be in the cab.
318
00:16:48,193 --> 00:16:49,547
G-CWOK-approved.
319
00:16:49,752 --> 00:16:50,876
The painting.
320
00:16:51,313 --> 00:16:54,389
Right, so, um, they told me they
threw it in the building's Dumpster.
321
00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:58,657
It wasn't in there, but the super
told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer,
322
00:16:58,762 --> 00:17:00,188
a veterinarian who
works in the building,
323
00:17:00,293 --> 00:17:01,847
take the painting out of the trash.
324
00:17:02,172 --> 00:17:06,199
Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer and
why did he take my painting?
325
00:17:06,844 --> 00:17:08,338
You're about to find out.
326
00:17:10,392 --> 00:17:12,266
Long story short,
I had to make a trash run.
327
00:17:12,373 --> 00:17:14,069
Been a busy day...
lots of neuterings.
328
00:17:14,172 --> 00:17:15,357
Ooh, we don't need the details.
329
00:17:15,462 --> 00:17:17,167
Oh, no no no,
it's not what you think.
330
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,977
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly
just dog testicles. Anyway...
331
00:17:21,202 --> 00:17:22,796
I noticed your painting
332
00:17:22,903 --> 00:17:27,206
just sitting right there on top
and I thought, "Hey, free painting,"
333
00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:31,636
so I brought it upstairs and
hung it up in Exam Room 3,
334
00:17:31,741 --> 00:17:34,146
and then the strangest
thing happened.
335
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:38,217
Hey, Muffin.
336
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,516
Whoa, I think he remembers me
from the last time he was here.
337
00:17:44,393 --> 00:17:47,218
Take Muffin to Exam Room 3.
I'll meet you there.
338
00:17:48,604 --> 00:17:50,727
I went in, expecting the worst.
339
00:17:53,302 --> 00:17:56,337
I'd never seen Muffin that calm,
340
00:17:56,702 --> 00:18:00,686
and then a little later the same thing
happened again with Tidbit...
341
00:18:01,251 --> 00:18:02,956
and King Larry...
342
00:18:04,222 --> 00:18:07,199
and again
with the Weinstein triplets.
343
00:18:09,924 --> 00:18:11,459
Something about your art
344
00:18:11,564 --> 00:18:14,789
speaks to the canine sensibility
on a very primal level.
345
00:18:15,022 --> 00:18:18,088
- Really? Dogs like my paintings?
- Yeah.
346
00:18:18,294 --> 00:18:20,889
But you know who it bums out?
Birds.
347
00:18:22,194 --> 00:18:24,638
Had a parrot in there today.
He took one look at it,
348
00:18:24,744 --> 00:18:27,849
pried open his cage,
flew right into the ceiling fan.
349
00:18:31,972 --> 00:18:34,107
Anyway, because your first
painting worked so well,
350
00:18:34,211 --> 00:18:36,276
I convinced Dr. Greer
to buy four more.
351
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:39,049
- Really?
- At $500 a piece.
352
00:18:39,154 --> 00:18:42,106
That's two grand. That's more
than we need for the contractor.
353
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,696
Yeah, but I was actually
thinking we could reinvest it.
354
00:18:44,802 --> 00:18:46,459
- In what?
- In you.
355
00:18:50,812 --> 00:18:53,348
Marshall explained that
he was building a fancy new Web site
356
00:18:53,454 --> 00:18:57,129
specifically to sell
Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
357
00:18:58,894 --> 00:19:02,137
Well, it's not exactly
the clientele I had in mind, but...
358
00:19:03,031 --> 00:19:05,269
thank you for believing in me.
359
00:19:10,793 --> 00:19:13,999
Man,
birds do not get you.
360
00:19:25,154 --> 00:19:26,158
Hi, sweetie.
361
00:19:26,262 --> 00:19:28,018
Hey, I think I left my tie here.
Have you seen it?
362
00:19:28,271 --> 00:19:30,809
No, I'm in wedding-planning mode.
363
00:19:31,064 --> 00:19:33,588
Stressville. Population: me.
Okay, big decision.
364
00:19:33,791 --> 00:19:37,088
What do you think the cake should be:
Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
365
00:19:37,881 --> 00:19:40,929
Yeah, that was a bit.
We were doing a bit.
366
00:19:41,383 --> 00:19:44,277
So I'm thinking Labor Day.
I was going to say Fourth of July,
367
00:19:44,382 --> 00:19:47,846
but I don't want to steal
any attention away from America.
368
00:19:49,754 --> 00:19:52,187
Abby, I've...
I've got some bad news.
369
00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:55,227
- I can't marry you.
- What?
370
00:19:55,581 --> 00:19:59,716
Ted begged me not to.
I think he's in love with you.
371
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,478
- Really?
- Yes, our plan worked,
372
00:20:02,582 --> 00:20:04,867
better than we ever dreamed.
You have to go to him.
373
00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:09,169
Here's his home address.
But you know what? He works late,
374
00:20:09,273 --> 00:20:11,539
so I wouldn't go before
2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
375
00:20:11,914 --> 00:20:15,796
Oh, my God, thank you.
But now I feel wrong keeping this.
376
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:19,217
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.
That's made of candy.
377
00:20:19,791 --> 00:20:20,646
Later.
378
00:20:26,784 --> 00:20:30,706
Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com
or charityfolks.com.
379
00:20:30,811 --> 00:20:32,447
We're having an auction
to raise money
380
00:20:32,553 --> 00:20:34,208
for the children's hospital
of Los Angeles.
381
00:20:34,314 --> 00:20:37,208
You can get a tone of cool stuff from
the show and it's all for a great cause.
382
00:20:37,312 --> 00:20:38,596
- Thanks.
- Thanks.