1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,800
Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a
complicated time in your old man's life.
2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:08,000
The last time I had seen Barney
was shortly after I found out
3
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:10,100
he had spent
the night with Robin.
4
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,700
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
5
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,300
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
6
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,300
It's Barney.
7
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,500
Dude, seriously,
you need to stop calling me.
8
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,900
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't returned your calls.
9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,600
Yeah, I never called you.
10
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:29,000
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
11
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:30,900
I'm sorry.
12
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:32,200
I gotta let you go.
13
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,700
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
14
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,200
Ted, are you crying?
15
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:39,900
No, I'm not.
16
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,100
Let it out. Let it out.
17
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:44,300
Good-bye, Barney.
18
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,300
So, are you two
back together?
19
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:49,600
I miss Barney.
20
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,600
I haven't high-fived anyone
in like a week.
21
00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:55,100
I think I might be starting to lose
my fist bump callus.
22
00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:57,306
Let me ask you something, Ted.
23
00:00:57,371 --> 00:00:59,471
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
24
00:00:59,571 --> 00:01:03,471
Yeah, she had just as much sex
with Barney as Barney had with her.
25
00:01:03,771 --> 00:01:06,171
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
26
00:01:07,571 --> 00:01:11,271
And I think I'd actually prefer it if
you were mad at me; this is too weird.
27
00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:12,971
I'm not mad at anybody.
28
00:01:13,071 --> 00:01:16,671
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend. It's that simple.
29
00:01:16,971 --> 00:01:18,771
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
30
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:20,671
It's 'cause he's so happy
with Stella.
31
00:01:20,871 --> 00:01:21,671
She was right.
32
00:01:22,471 --> 00:01:24,671
Stella and I had been dating
for two months,
33
00:01:24,871 --> 00:01:26,871
and things were
going really well.
34
00:01:26,971 --> 00:01:29,871
She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.
35
00:01:29,971 --> 00:01:31,371
There was just
one little problem.
36
00:01:31,971 --> 00:01:33,671
You guys haven't had sex yet?!
37
00:01:34,571 --> 00:01:38,271
When Marshall and I were
two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
38
00:01:38,371 --> 00:01:40,471
I know, I was in the top bunk.
39
00:01:40,971 --> 00:01:42,671
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
40
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,171
So what are you guys waiting for?
41
00:01:45,471 --> 00:01:47,371
I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.
44
00:01:51,171 --> 00:01:53,971
Wait...
so you haven't had sex
45
00:01:54,071 --> 00:01:55,571
since, like... Thanksgiving.
46
00:01:56,671 --> 00:02:00,271
Do you know how many big federal
holidays have come and gone since then?
47
00:02:00,671 --> 00:02:03,671
Ooh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
48
00:02:04,271 --> 00:02:04,971
Yeah, I do.
49
00:02:05,571 --> 00:02:07,971
We honored that dude big time.
50
00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:11,371
Look, I'm crazy about this girl,
and if waiting is what it takes,
51
00:02:11,471 --> 00:02:12,571
then I am fine with that.
52
00:02:13,671 --> 00:02:15,671
On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum
53
00:02:15,771 --> 00:02:18,671
or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?
54
00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:26,971
Hey, Barney,
new SkyMall came in.
55
00:02:27,971 --> 00:02:28,671
So, uh...
56
00:02:29,471 --> 00:02:32,871
Word around the blogosphere is
that you're looking for a new wingman.
57
00:02:32,971 --> 00:02:34,871
I want to let you know
I am available.
58
00:02:35,671 --> 00:02:37,571
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
59
00:02:37,671 --> 00:02:39,771
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
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00:02:43,571 --> 00:02:44,371
Was that it?
61
00:02:45,871 --> 00:02:49,471
No offense, Randy, but there's
a long list of candidates for this slot.
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00:02:49,971 --> 00:02:52,571
This slot is
Vice President of Awesome,
63
00:02:52,771 --> 00:02:54,071
and you're, like,
64
00:02:54,171 --> 00:02:56,771
Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay.
65
00:02:58,071 --> 00:03:00,871
"Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay."
66
00:03:01,471 --> 00:03:02,871
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
67
00:03:03,871 --> 00:03:06,471
So Uncle Barney began the search
for a new wingman.
68
00:03:06,671 --> 00:03:08,271
Pete! Barney Stinson.
69
00:03:08,371 --> 00:03:10,771
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
70
00:03:10,971 --> 00:03:13,971
Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should
meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
71
00:03:14,471 --> 00:03:16,571
You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.
72
00:03:16,871 --> 00:03:18,871
Just had a baby daughter.
73
00:03:20,171 --> 00:03:21,671
So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?
74
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,871
Stapleton!
Barney Stinson.
75
00:03:26,971 --> 00:03:27,971
What up, chief?
76
00:03:28,071 --> 00:03:29,771
Need a new bro.
What do you say?
77
00:03:30,271 --> 00:03:33,171
Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with Doug Stein.
78
00:03:34,871 --> 00:03:37,371
Oh, I understand.
79
00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:39,271
Doug Stein's a good bro.
80
00:03:40,571 --> 00:03:42,071
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
81
00:03:43,971 --> 00:03:47,171
Crazy Willie!
Barney Stinson.
82
00:03:47,271 --> 00:03:51,371
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?
83
00:03:51,471 --> 00:03:53,471
Yes, finally!
84
00:03:53,671 --> 00:03:55,171
Here's what's on
the rock-it docket.
85
00:03:55,271 --> 00:03:57,071
My wife and I put
the cheese out at 7:00,
86
00:03:57,171 --> 00:04:00,271
Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses.
87
00:04:00,371 --> 00:04:03,071
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!
88
00:04:08,471 --> 00:04:09,171
Hello?
89
00:04:09,271 --> 00:04:11,671
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
90
00:04:12,871 --> 00:04:14,871
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
91
00:04:14,971 --> 00:04:16,871
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,
92
00:04:16,971 --> 00:04:19,371
and then it exploded
like a volcano.
93
00:04:19,471 --> 00:04:20,671
Pus everywhere.
94
00:04:20,871 --> 00:04:23,971
Let's have sex.
Right now. I'll lock the door.
95
00:04:24,471 --> 00:04:25,971
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
96
00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:28,171
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!
97
00:04:28,271 --> 00:04:30,671
It'll be like a three-way:
you, me, and the door.
98
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,071
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird
between me and the door tomorrow.
99
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,371
I'm sorry.
100
00:04:37,471 --> 00:04:39,271
We're waiting.
It's cool.
101
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:42,871
You've been so patient, Ted.
102
00:04:43,271 --> 00:04:44,471
The truth is...
103
00:04:44,671 --> 00:04:47,471
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
104
00:04:47,571 --> 00:04:49,471
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
105
00:04:52,071 --> 00:04:53,471
No, um...
106
00:04:54,471 --> 00:04:56,871
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's
107
00:04:56,971 --> 00:04:59,171
a while since
I was intimate with anyone.
108
00:05:00,071 --> 00:05:02,271
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
109
00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:03,871
- Me, too.
- Really?
110
00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:05,971
How long's it been for you?
111
00:05:07,771 --> 00:05:08,871
It's been a while.
112
00:05:09,371 --> 00:05:10,171
Tell me.
113
00:05:13,571 --> 00:05:14,571
Me, too!
114
00:05:15,171 --> 00:05:16,871
It's been five months for you, too?
115
00:05:17,871 --> 00:05:19,871
Five years?!
116
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,071
Sync by vNaru
117
00:05:35,847 --> 00:05:39,147
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
118
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:40,747
Let's put this in context.
119
00:05:40,847 --> 00:05:42,747
The last time Stella had sex,
120
00:05:42,847 --> 00:05:46,047
the movie, Seabiscuit,
had just galloped into theaters...
121
00:05:46,147 --> 00:05:47,247
and our hearts.
122
00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:50,147
Five years?
123
00:05:50,447 --> 00:05:52,247
God, if I even went one year,
124
00:05:52,347 --> 00:05:54,847
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
125
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:57,747
The last time Stella had sex,
126
00:05:57,847 --> 00:06:00,147
the world was just
learning about SARS.
127
00:06:00,747 --> 00:06:04,047
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did
she give you any kind of explanation?
128
00:06:04,747 --> 00:06:07,147
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
129
00:06:07,247 --> 00:06:09,147
but it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.
130
00:06:09,747 --> 00:06:12,447
Sooner or later, every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
131
00:06:13,347 --> 00:06:15,847
But nobody in five years?
132
00:06:16,647 --> 00:06:19,747
Look, Ted, guys regret
the girls they didn't sleep with.
133
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:21,547
Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.
134
00:06:21,747 --> 00:06:25,147
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
135
00:06:27,947 --> 00:06:29,947
Ted, you're staring at
my boobs.
136
00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:32,247
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
137
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:37,647
So what does this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?
138
00:06:38,247 --> 00:06:38,947
Actually...
139
00:06:39,447 --> 00:06:42,047
But the truth is, I really do
want to do this with you.
140
00:06:42,847 --> 00:06:44,647
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
141
00:06:45,347 --> 00:06:46,947
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
142
00:06:47,447 --> 00:06:49,547
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
143
00:06:50,547 --> 00:06:51,247
That's great.
144
00:06:52,947 --> 00:06:54,747
Like, "right now" ready?
145
00:06:55,847 --> 00:06:57,647
So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit Lucy,
146
00:06:57,747 --> 00:07:00,547
and we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.
147
00:07:00,647 --> 00:07:02,447
The last time Stella had sex,
148
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,347
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
149
00:07:04,547 --> 00:07:06,047
Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.
150
00:07:06,147 --> 00:07:08,247
Not the movie, the book.
151
00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:11,747
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
152
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:13,147
You know what?
It's not.
153
00:07:13,247 --> 00:07:16,847
This woman needs it bad. Anything
you do is going to be fireworks.
154
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:19,847
I remember my longest drought...
155
00:07:20,547 --> 00:07:22,847
It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
156
00:07:22,947 --> 00:07:26,547
I hadn't had been with Marshall
in two months and 19 days.
157
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,247
Oh, San Francisco.
158
00:07:39,347 --> 00:07:42,947
I don't know Lily, after five years, her
expectations have gotta be pretty high.
159
00:07:43,247 --> 00:07:45,247
Notable deaths in 2003...
160
00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:48,547
Oh, my God...
161
00:07:49,547 --> 00:07:50,847
Nell Carter.
162
00:07:51,947 --> 00:07:53,647
Did you guys know that
Nell Carter had died?
163
00:07:55,447 --> 00:07:57,947
I'm really gonna have to bring
my A-game to satisfy this woman.
164
00:07:58,047 --> 00:08:00,147
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.
165
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,347
Not Nell Carter,
Stella.
166
00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:04,947
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
167
00:08:05,047 --> 00:08:06,547
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
168
00:08:07,147 --> 00:08:08,447
Because you're dead inside?
169
00:08:09,147 --> 00:08:11,447
No, because you built it up
for, like, two weeks,
170
00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,247
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
171
00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:16,347
With Stella, do the opposite:
lower expectations.
172
00:08:16,547 --> 00:08:19,747
Right, right, and then no matter
what happens, she'll be happy.
173
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:23,647
Hey, buddy.
174
00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:27,747
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
175
00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:32,647
No.
176
00:08:40,347 --> 00:08:43,347
Hey, Randy. Could you come in
here for a minute?
177
00:08:45,347 --> 00:08:46,447
Good news.
178
00:08:46,747 --> 00:08:48,447
I'm calling you up to the majors.
179
00:08:48,547 --> 00:08:50,147
Starting tomorrow night,
180
00:08:50,247 --> 00:08:52,547
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
181
00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:57,947
Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
182
00:09:21,647 --> 00:09:22,847
Tomorrow works.
183
00:09:26,347 --> 00:09:29,647
I have a surprise appetizer
for us today. Check it out.
184
00:09:30,147 --> 00:09:31,747
Potato skins.
185
00:09:31,847 --> 00:09:33,547
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right?
186
00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:36,147
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
187
00:09:36,347 --> 00:09:40,247
I remember them as being pretty much
the most delicious things ever.
188
00:09:44,347 --> 00:09:45,547
That's surprising.
189
00:09:46,147 --> 00:09:47,947
- What?
- This potato skin.
190
00:09:48,347 --> 00:09:52,347
It's good, but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up to be in my head.
191
00:09:53,747 --> 00:09:56,747
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,
192
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,847
and is a totally respectable size...
193
00:10:00,047 --> 00:10:03,347
I couldn't enjoy it because
of my own unrealistic expectations.
194
00:10:04,747 --> 00:10:06,147
Ted, I see what you're doing.
195
00:10:06,447 --> 00:10:09,247
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
196
00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:11,847
- Is this a length thing?
- No.
197
00:10:11,947 --> 00:10:13,347
- Quick on the draw?
- No.
198
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,847
- Unexpected number of testicles?
- No!
199
00:10:16,847 --> 00:10:18,547
It's just that
this is a big deal for you.
200
00:10:18,647 --> 00:10:20,247
I mean, it's like
your virginity: the sequel.
201
00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:24,147
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
202
00:10:24,247 --> 00:10:26,147
Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.
203
00:10:26,247 --> 00:10:28,547
I don't want you to ever
wonder if I was worth it.
204
00:10:29,847 --> 00:10:32,247
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
205
00:10:32,647 --> 00:10:33,847
Stop worrying.
206
00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:35,947
It's you and me.
207
00:10:36,147 --> 00:10:38,347
It already has everything it needs.
208
00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:44,547
"Unexpected number of testicles?"
209
00:10:44,647 --> 00:10:47,147
It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...
210
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,847
We used to joke that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
211
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,947
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?
212
00:10:58,247 --> 00:11:02,647
No, uh-uh. Randy,
we never use the word "bro"
213
00:11:02,747 --> 00:11:06,147
in the name of a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
214
00:11:07,647 --> 00:11:11,347
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro."
215
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:15,447
You know what?
I'm excited about this, Randy.
216
00:11:15,547 --> 00:11:18,547
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
217
00:11:18,647 --> 00:11:21,447
When I first met him,
he was an even bigger loser than you.
218
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,347
What a loser.
219
00:11:23,547 --> 00:11:27,447
But tonight, I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
220
00:11:27,547 --> 00:11:29,947
in the history of wingmen.
221
00:11:30,647 --> 00:11:32,847
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
222
00:11:32,947 --> 00:11:35,147
Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.
223
00:11:35,247 --> 00:11:36,847
You are like a God to me.
224
00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:39,647
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
225
00:11:39,747 --> 00:11:41,047
wait for it...
226
00:11:41,747 --> 00:11:42,947
dary.
227
00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:49,347
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
228
00:11:52,847 --> 00:11:54,647
- You ready?
- Yes.
229
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,647
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What? What's the matter?
230
00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:01,547
Nothing.
Let's do this.
231
00:12:03,147 --> 00:12:05,347
No, no, no, no, no, please, please,
please. Just wait. Just wait.
232
00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:08,147
- Just wait. Just wait!
- Randy, what are you doing?
233
00:12:08,347 --> 00:12:10,947
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
234
00:12:11,447 --> 00:12:13,947
Okay, let's go.
No. Yes. No!
235
00:12:14,247 --> 00:12:16,947
Randy, listen to me:
you can do this, okay?
236
00:12:17,047 --> 00:12:19,247
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?
237
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:22,547
Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
238
00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:27,547
Hey, ladies.
239
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,747
Have you met...
240
00:12:36,947 --> 00:12:38,247
- Hey.
- Hey!
241
00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:40,247
So, here's the plan.
242
00:12:40,347 --> 00:12:42,947
Take a horse-drawn carriage through
the park, and it just so happens
243
00:12:43,047 --> 00:12:44,347
the Philharmonic is playing
an open-air...
244
00:12:44,447 --> 00:12:45,547
Ted.
Five years.
245
00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:46,847
- Straight to the hotel?
- Straight to the hotel.
246
00:12:46,947 --> 00:12:48,247
I'll get my bag.
247
00:12:51,347 --> 00:12:52,547
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
248
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:53,447
Hey.
249
00:12:53,547 --> 00:12:55,947
So, uh,
looking forward to tonight?
250
00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:59,347
Yeah. Definitely. It's been such
a long time since I've had a night out.
251
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,647
Yeah, we heard.
252
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:05,247
I would explode if it had been that
long since I had a "night out."
253
00:13:05,647 --> 00:13:07,747
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a.m. sometimes
254
00:13:07,847 --> 00:13:10,147
just to have a little "night out."
255
00:13:11,547 --> 00:13:13,847
Um, what are you guys
talking about?
256
00:13:15,247 --> 00:13:18,747
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
257
00:13:19,747 --> 00:13:20,847
Hey, guys.
258
00:13:21,847 --> 00:13:23,347
Ted, you told them, didn't you?
259
00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:24,947
Told them what?
260
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,547
You told them that
I haven't had sex in five years.
261
00:13:31,447 --> 00:13:33,847
You haven't had sex in five years?!
262
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:38,447
That is a shocking revelation that
we're just finding out about right now.
263
00:13:46,147 --> 00:13:48,547
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
264
00:13:48,647 --> 00:13:50,547
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
265
00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:52,247
I didn't even think about it.
266
00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:54,847
Ted, that was so personal.
267
00:13:55,247 --> 00:13:57,647
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
268
00:13:58,747 --> 00:14:00,247
Look, I realize it's weird, okay?
269
00:14:00,347 --> 00:14:02,347
Not many people go
five years without having sex.
270
00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:04,147
13 years?!
271
00:14:04,347 --> 00:14:05,847
I peaked really young.
272
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,247
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
273
00:14:09,347 --> 00:14:11,147
But I did tell you because
I thought that I could trust you.
274
00:14:11,347 --> 00:14:12,447
You can trust me.
275
00:14:12,647 --> 00:14:14,147
Obviously, I can't.
276
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:18,247
You know, there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy, and
277
00:14:18,347 --> 00:14:19,747
you just gave me yours.
278
00:14:19,847 --> 00:14:23,247
Wait, did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
279
00:14:24,347 --> 00:14:26,247
Why would I be looking for one?
280
00:14:26,647 --> 00:14:28,747
Because things are getting
serious between us,
281
00:14:28,847 --> 00:14:30,047
and that scares you.
282
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:34,947
Good night, Ted.
283
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:40,147
Okay, Randy,
284
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,747
now, tell me,
without looking at your hand,
285
00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:46,447
what are the three beginner techniques
for picking up a woman at a bar?
286
00:14:47,047 --> 00:14:48,947
Isolate her from her friends;
287
00:14:49,047 --> 00:14:51,147
repeat her name in conversation;
288
00:14:51,247 --> 00:14:52,647
subtly put her down.
289
00:14:52,947 --> 00:14:53,847
Excellent.
290
00:14:55,147 --> 00:14:57,047
Now...
let's put those to use.
291
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:00,347
I'm right behind you.
292
00:15:04,847 --> 00:15:07,247
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
293
00:15:07,747 --> 00:15:09,647
- Haley.
- Haley.
294
00:15:09,747 --> 00:15:12,147
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley...
295
00:15:12,547 --> 00:15:14,147
come here, Haley.
296
00:15:15,847 --> 00:15:16,647
Okay.
297
00:15:19,447 --> 00:15:21,847
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
298
00:15:28,147 --> 00:15:29,247
I'm sorry, Barney.
299
00:15:29,947 --> 00:15:32,847
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
300
00:15:32,947 --> 00:15:34,647
Pretty soon you'll be able
to anticipate it,
301
00:15:34,747 --> 00:15:36,447
and when you do?
Free drink.
302
00:15:37,647 --> 00:15:38,747
Oh, hey.
303
00:15:38,847 --> 00:15:39,947
We got two live ones.
304
00:15:40,047 --> 00:15:42,047
New plan: this time
follow my lead.
305
00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:46,747
Evening, ladies.
306
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:50,047
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
307
00:15:50,347 --> 00:15:52,947
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
308
00:15:53,347 --> 00:15:54,647
No way!
309
00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:58,847
My friend Randy here is the leading
expert on koala bears in Australia!
310
00:15:58,947 --> 00:16:00,847
He's in town working with
the Bronx Zoo.
311
00:16:00,947 --> 00:16:03,847
You are?
That is so cool!
312
00:16:04,847 --> 00:16:07,347
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
313
00:16:10,547 --> 00:16:12,847
Their...
314
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,047
meat is delicious.
315
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,147
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
316
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:26,147
New plan:
we need to get you comfortable
317
00:16:26,247 --> 00:16:28,347
just saying words to women.
318
00:16:28,747 --> 00:16:31,247
Now, there's no reason to be nervous,
because my friend, Robin,
319
00:16:31,347 --> 00:16:32,547
has agreed to help out.
320
00:16:32,647 --> 00:16:34,847
Because you threatened to put a video
of us on the Internet,
321
00:16:34,947 --> 00:16:36,647
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
322
00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:39,747
Right, which is why you came
all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
323
00:16:40,247 --> 00:16:41,547
Now Randy,
324
00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:43,347
let's keep it simple.
325
00:16:43,447 --> 00:16:45,747
Just start by introducing yourself.
326
00:16:46,747 --> 00:16:48,247
Hi.
My name's Randy.
327
00:16:48,547 --> 00:16:49,347
Hi, Randy.
328
00:16:50,247 --> 00:16:51,947
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
329
00:16:52,347 --> 00:16:53,847
- Good, thank you.
- Great.
330
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:57,847
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
331
00:16:58,247 --> 00:16:59,947
What are you doing later?
332
00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:02,847
Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.
333
00:17:04,747 --> 00:17:08,247
Oh, God. This happens every time
I get an erection. I am so sorry.
334
00:17:11,747 --> 00:17:14,347
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
335
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:17,847
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
336
00:17:17,947 --> 00:17:19,447
- You are the woman...
- Barney,
337
00:17:19,547 --> 00:17:22,347
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
338
00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:24,447
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
339
00:17:25,047 --> 00:17:27,747
Is it possible that you're trying
to fill the void
340
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,047
of losing Ted by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
341
00:17:31,847 --> 00:17:32,947
What are you saying?
342
00:17:33,047 --> 00:17:35,947
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
343
00:17:36,747 --> 00:17:38,747
No.
That's crazy.
344
00:17:39,247 --> 00:17:40,947
What Randy and I have is real.
345
00:17:41,847 --> 00:17:45,647
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight,
346
00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:49,647
would it feel anywhere near as
meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
347
00:17:50,847 --> 00:17:52,947
He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?
348
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:53,747
I know.
349
00:17:54,747 --> 00:17:56,847
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think
350
00:17:56,947 --> 00:17:59,347
it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
351
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:02,747
Randy.
352
00:18:03,847 --> 00:18:05,147
I've been thinking,
353
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:07,147
this isn't working out.
354
00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:09,847
Yeah, I figured.
355
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:13,347
I knew I couldn't fly this close
to the sun without getting burned.
356
00:18:14,047 --> 00:18:16,747
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
357
00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:19,247
You, my dad, the chief.
358
00:18:19,747 --> 00:18:20,547
The chief?
359
00:18:21,147 --> 00:18:22,847
Yeah, I was a cop
for like three months.
360
00:18:23,047 --> 00:18:25,447
But I got kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
361
00:18:25,547 --> 00:18:27,347
I was an insurance liability.
362
00:18:27,747 --> 00:18:31,147
You were a New York City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
363
00:18:31,547 --> 00:18:33,747
Wow!
Did you ever shoot anybody?
364
00:18:33,847 --> 00:18:36,047
- Only all the time.
- But not himself.
365
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:37,747
- And not in the foot.
- Actually...
366
00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:39,847
- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
367
00:18:40,347 --> 00:18:43,347
I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.
368
00:18:44,147 --> 00:18:46,047
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
369
00:18:46,747 --> 00:18:49,647
Old injury. The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
370
00:18:49,747 --> 00:18:51,647
Oh, my God!
You know what?
371
00:18:51,747 --> 00:18:55,147
I live right around the corner. Can I
take you to my place and fix you up?
372
00:18:58,647 --> 00:19:00,247
That would be very nice.
373
00:19:02,247 --> 00:19:04,047
Have a great time, you two.
374
00:19:04,147 --> 00:19:07,047
Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
375
00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:11,847
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
376
00:19:12,547 --> 00:19:14,647
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
377
00:19:15,847 --> 00:19:18,147
You had to mention Ted, didn't you?
378
00:19:26,047 --> 00:19:29,147
Okay, I really overreacted
last night. I'm sorry.
379
00:19:30,347 --> 00:19:34,147
Maybe I have some trust issues,
but believe me, I have earned them.
380
00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:39,047
You said that I was looking for a reason
for this whole thing to fall apart.
381
00:19:39,347 --> 00:19:41,447
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
382
00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:44,947
That's actually something
that I do a lot.
383
00:19:45,547 --> 00:19:48,247
But I'm not going to
do that with you.
384
00:19:48,947 --> 00:19:50,047
Ted...
385
00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:51,447
I'm in.
386
00:19:53,247 --> 00:19:55,547
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
387
00:20:05,047 --> 00:20:06,147
Come on.
388
00:20:06,347 --> 00:20:09,347
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
389
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,247
Ted, this is Lucy.
390
00:20:17,447 --> 00:20:19,447
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
391
00:20:19,547 --> 00:20:21,547
Stella and I thought our relationship
392
00:20:21,647 --> 00:20:23,847
was going to take
a big step that weekend.
393
00:20:23,947 --> 00:20:26,847
Turned out,
it took an even bigger one.
394
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,058
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh. She is so great.
395
00:20:37,358 --> 00:20:38,958
I think so.
396
00:20:39,458 --> 00:20:41,358
So, uh, I was thinking,
397
00:20:41,258 --> 00:20:43,458
my sister is in town
until tomorrow.
398
00:20:43,358 --> 00:20:46,058
And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
399
00:20:54,938 --> 00:20:57,038
- Wow, that was amazing!
- Oh, yeah.
400
00:20:57,538 --> 00:20:58,738
What are you doing?
401
00:20:58,838 --> 00:21:01,638
I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.