1 00:00:00,568 --> 00:00:02,415 Okay where were we? 2 00:00:02,415 --> 00:00:04,362 It was June of 2006, 3 00:00:04,362 --> 00:00:06,659 and life had just taken an unexpected turn. 4 00:00:06,659 --> 00:00:09,729 Dad, can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? 5 00:00:09,729 --> 00:00:12,084 I feel like you've been talking for like a year. 6 00:00:12,336 --> 00:00:14,700 Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. 7 00:00:14,789 --> 00:00:16,226 It's all part of the story. 8 00:00:16,300 --> 00:00:18,287 - Could I go to the bathroom? - No. 9 00:00:19,338 --> 00:00:23,426 The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. 10 00:00:23,908 --> 00:00:25,490 For me, it started out great. 11 00:00:25,511 --> 00:00:27,524 In fact, day one was amazing. 12 00:00:27,606 --> 00:00:29,780 I'd finally gotten together with Robin. 13 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:33,365 But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, 14 00:00:34,588 --> 00:00:37,672 your uncle Marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his. 15 00:00:41,315 --> 00:00:42,420 So that's it? 16 00:00:42,597 --> 00:00:43,681 We're breaking up? 17 00:00:44,358 --> 00:00:46,183 Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... 18 00:00:46,457 --> 00:00:49,470 I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and 19 00:00:49,475 --> 00:00:52,422 -and figure out who I am outside of us. 20 00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:55,792 And the only way that I can do that is if... 21 00:00:56,656 --> 00:00:58,661 if we don't talk for a while. 22 00:00:59,455 --> 00:01:00,552 For a while. 23 00:01:01,487 --> 00:01:03,233 Try never, okay? 24 00:01:03,508 --> 00:01:06,041 You walk out that door, and we're done. 25 00:01:06,307 --> 00:01:08,731 You're never going to hear my voice again. 26 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:10,433 I should call her. 27 00:01:10,435 --> 00:01:11,900 - No, No. - Ted it is-- 28 00:01:11,908 --> 00:01:14,223 If you call her when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak 29 00:01:14,225 --> 00:01:15,533 and you're going to regret it. 30 00:01:15,585 --> 00:01:19,450 Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first. 31 00:01:20,007 --> 00:01:21,910 And I will punch you in the face. 32 00:01:22,797 --> 00:01:24,353 You're a good friend, Ted. 33 00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,682 Hey. 34 00:01:27,845 --> 00:01:29,013 So, did you hear the big news? 35 00:01:29,018 --> 00:01:31,193 You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up, 36 00:01:31,197 --> 00:01:34,693 and Lily's gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night, 37 00:01:34,696 --> 00:01:36,431 yeah, I think he knows. 38 00:01:36,455 --> 00:01:37,722 Oh, my God. 39 00:01:37,876 --> 00:01:39,912 I-I'm so sorry. Wh-- 40 00:01:39,915 --> 00:01:41,070 What happened? 41 00:01:41,306 --> 00:01:43,143 Well, she left. 42 00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:45,762 And I don't even know if she's coming back. 43 00:01:46,086 --> 00:01:47,870 I didn't get your message until I woke up. 44 00:01:48,255 --> 00:01:50,460 - Bro, I am so sorry. - Thanks. 45 00:01:50,596 --> 00:01:52,140 I know it must be tough, 46 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:55,420 but are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better, 47 00:01:55,427 --> 00:01:57,452 but will actively excite you? 48 00:01:57,458 --> 00:01:58,663 Sure. 49 00:01:59,005 --> 00:02:04,982 For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. 50 00:02:05,306 --> 00:02:10,011 I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it's going to be legendary. 51 00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:12,701 Together, we will own this city. 52 00:02:13,108 --> 00:02:17,140 Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, 53 00:02:17,148 --> 00:02:18,720 we'll be there. 54 00:02:18,956 --> 00:02:22,621 Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues 55 00:02:22,627 --> 00:02:26,801 through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. 56 00:02:27,755 --> 00:02:31,200 Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, 57 00:02:31,206 --> 00:02:33,281 sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting, 58 00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:34,823 "What's up, New York?" 59 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,112 we will be what is up New York. 60 00:02:38,907 --> 00:02:41,581 Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... 61 00:02:46,386 --> 00:02:48,941 Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you? 62 00:02:50,456 --> 00:02:55,601 Transcripts : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com 63 00:03:04,636 --> 00:03:07,501 One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning... 64 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:14,781 ...and love is ending, the first 30 days are remarkably similar. 65 00:03:15,845 --> 00:03:18,391 For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed. 66 00:03:23,408 --> 00:03:25,420 Your friends can't stand to listen to you. 67 00:03:29,207 --> 00:03:31,132 It was a really beautiful song. 68 00:03:32,105 --> 00:03:35,310 So... stupid, man. 69 00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:37,903 And you never seem to wear pants. 70 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,002 - Hey, Marshall. - Hey, Ted. 71 00:03:46,146 --> 00:03:47,271 You hungry? 72 00:03:47,358 --> 00:03:49,093 What's the point? I could eat some food. 73 00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,052 It's just going to leave me. 74 00:03:51,378 --> 00:03:54,071 Well, at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping. 75 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,872 Come on, it's Sunday. It's pancakes day. 76 00:03:58,008 --> 00:04:00,550 Lily always made the pancakes. 77 00:04:01,088 --> 00:04:03,180 God, I loved her pancakes. 78 00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:06,121 So soft. So warm. 79 00:04:06,206 --> 00:04:08,212 So perfectly shaped. 80 00:04:08,775 --> 00:04:10,771 Are we still talking about her pancakes? 81 00:04:11,958 --> 00:04:14,232 Come on, you got to eat something; what can I get you? 82 00:04:14,407 --> 00:04:16,942 - Beer. - No, that's what you had for dinner. 83 00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,390 Fine. 84 00:04:18,576 --> 00:04:20,582 Then I'll just have leftovers. 85 00:04:23,008 --> 00:04:26,301 So, he stays home all the time not getting laid? 86 00:04:26,406 --> 00:04:29,273 No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. 87 00:04:29,608 --> 00:04:32,372 He should be down here celebrating. He's free. 88 00:04:32,376 --> 00:04:34,942 He got that redheaded tumor removed. 89 00:04:35,605 --> 00:04:37,913 You should write and illustrate children's books. 90 00:04:38,957 --> 00:04:40,332 You know what Marshall needs to do. 91 00:04:40,335 --> 00:04:42,821 He needs to stop being sad. 92 00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:47,003 When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. 93 00:04:47,858 --> 00:04:48,902 True story. 94 00:04:49,805 --> 00:04:51,523 It's only been a month. 95 00:04:51,606 --> 00:04:53,122 He just needs to go at his own pace. 96 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,331 Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess. 97 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,891 Hey, cut her some slack. 98 00:04:56,898 --> 00:04:59,763 She's our friend, too. She's just trying to figure out who she is. 99 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,962 Figure out who she is? 100 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,982 Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list. 101 00:05:02,987 --> 00:05:05,972 She's selfish. She's immature. She's... 102 00:05:06,805 --> 00:05:07,470 What? 103 00:05:07,877 --> 00:05:10,103 God, your eyes are so blue. 104 00:05:11,307 --> 00:05:13,241 Teddy Bear. 105 00:05:16,256 --> 00:05:18,222 Oh that's a... 106 00:05:26,306 --> 00:05:28,122 Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad. 107 00:05:28,206 --> 00:05:31,670 I was dating the woman of my dreams, and things were going great. 108 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,120 Well, for the most part. 109 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,031 So, I found her shampoo. 110 00:05:35,187 --> 00:05:36,551 I guess she left it here. 111 00:05:37,016 --> 00:05:38,433 It smells like her. 112 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:44,972 Like lavender and seashells and hope. 113 00:05:47,026 --> 00:05:51,461 Somehow, erotic and comforting all at the same time. 114 00:05:52,957 --> 00:05:54,331 That's my shampoo. 115 00:05:55,387 --> 00:05:57,132 Oh, sorry. 116 00:05:57,346 --> 00:05:59,681 Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep. 117 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,493 - Uh-oh. - Already? 118 00:06:05,677 --> 00:06:06,890 He's calling her. 119 00:06:06,897 --> 00:06:09,811 - I don't hear any-- - He's calling her. 120 00:06:10,005 --> 00:06:11,073 No. 121 00:06:12,308 --> 00:06:15,132 Okay, you're right, I won't call her. 122 00:06:15,335 --> 00:06:17,421 I will not call her. 123 00:06:17,505 --> 00:06:19,542 Well, I called her. 124 00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:23,150 And get this, she changed her number. 125 00:06:23,155 --> 00:06:25,192 What, like I'm going to stalk her, or something? 126 00:06:25,196 --> 00:06:27,191 Like she's so special. 127 00:06:27,197 --> 00:06:29,153 Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there. 128 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:32,070 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, 129 00:06:32,078 --> 00:06:34,012 and they all seem a lot better than her 130 00:06:34,016 --> 00:06:36,531 based on the brief conversations I had with them. 131 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:39,663 - Does he know I'm in here? - Yeah, hey, Robin. 132 00:06:39,936 --> 00:06:43,000 - Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said... - This has to stop. 133 00:06:43,108 --> 00:06:44,821 Ted, we just started dating. 134 00:06:44,825 --> 00:06:46,553 We agreed we don't want to move too fast, 135 00:06:46,555 --> 00:06:48,481 and yet somehow, we have a baby. 136 00:06:48,685 --> 00:06:50,232 He can't feed himself. 137 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:53,992 - He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night. - Have you tried breast-feeding? 138 00:06:54,258 --> 00:06:55,273 Nailed it! 139 00:06:55,557 --> 00:06:58,153 Look, they were together nine years. 140 00:06:58,155 --> 00:06:59,921 It's only been a month and a half. 141 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,662 He just needs to go at his own pace. 142 00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:04,153 He slept on our floor last night, Ted. 143 00:07:04,155 --> 00:07:08,122 - He watched a scary movie. - It is time for some tough love. 144 00:07:08,211 --> 00:07:10,004 We need to get him out of that apartment. 145 00:07:10,006 --> 00:07:12,560 He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine. 146 00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:14,995 Mmm, sunshine. 147 00:07:15,425 --> 00:07:19,111 Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Sunshine. 148 00:07:23,606 --> 00:07:25,823 All right, I really don't think this is going to help. 149 00:07:26,448 --> 00:07:28,593 Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? 150 00:07:28,595 --> 00:07:30,753 It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. 151 00:07:30,755 --> 00:07:33,923 You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs; 152 00:07:33,926 --> 00:07:35,200 it's a scientific fact. 153 00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:41,460 The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images or "b-pegs". 154 00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:44,843 And your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's. 155 00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:47,403 There are a lot of them. 156 00:07:47,755 --> 00:07:49,843 Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them 157 00:07:49,847 --> 00:07:51,572 with images of other women's boobs. 158 00:07:51,575 --> 00:07:55,523 Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs, 159 00:07:55,528 --> 00:07:57,923 so we begin here tonight, my friend. 160 00:07:58,037 --> 00:07:59,393 Two at a time. 161 00:07:59,718 --> 00:08:01,513 Those count as four. 162 00:08:06,307 --> 00:08:07,171 Yeah. 163 00:08:07,505 --> 00:08:10,132 This is fun right? We're outside, it's a beautiful day. 164 00:08:10,235 --> 00:08:12,073 The Indians are winning. 165 00:08:12,806 --> 00:08:15,100 I got to admit, it is really nice to be outside. 166 00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:18,921 Yankee fans, please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision for a special 167 00:08:18,927 --> 00:08:21,580 - seventh-inning-stretch surprise - Oh, no. 168 00:08:29,957 --> 00:08:31,852 It's all a big lie! 169 00:08:32,006 --> 00:08:34,113 She's just going to break your heart. 170 00:08:36,255 --> 00:08:39,650 You can drag me out of here, but she has no soul! 171 00:08:39,657 --> 00:08:42,261 We've tried everything-- baseball, strippers. 172 00:08:42,268 --> 00:08:44,340 The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. 173 00:08:44,347 --> 00:08:46,011 I think he's beyond repair. 174 00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:47,900 See, this is the problem with guys. 175 00:08:47,907 --> 00:08:49,532 You don't know how to deal with heartbreak. 176 00:08:49,537 --> 00:08:52,172 Oh, and what's your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? 177 00:08:52,177 --> 00:08:55,881 Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually, till your periods sync up. 178 00:09:02,205 --> 00:09:04,173 Yeah, that's the stuff. 179 00:09:04,508 --> 00:09:05,742 Oh, my God. 180 00:09:06,008 --> 00:09:07,412 How long have you been doing this? 181 00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:09,791 Well, my dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. 182 00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:12,332 Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here, 183 00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:15,722 and it reminds me that... guns are fun. 184 00:09:20,005 --> 00:09:23,012 Um, you know, Ted is kind of against guns. 185 00:09:23,217 --> 00:09:25,863 And that's why Ted's never going to find out about this. 186 00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:29,751 Whoa, that sounded kind of scary with me holding a gun, didn't it? 187 00:09:29,758 --> 00:09:32,120 No, I-I just mean, please don't tell Ted. 188 00:09:32,635 --> 00:09:33,951 You want to try? 189 00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:36,453 Only hell yeah. 190 00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,562 Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed. 191 00:09:40,035 --> 00:09:43,310 I felt so powerless this whole time, but this... 192 00:09:44,265 --> 00:09:46,712 this is power. This is... 193 00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:51,243 I should of mentioned the recoil. 194 00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:54,720 I got to hand it to you, when he got home, Marshall was smiling-- 195 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,011 did you sleep with him? 196 00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:58,860 'Cause I was actually, like, three days away from suggesting that. 197 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:02,210 Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side. 198 00:10:05,106 --> 00:10:08,253 - Yeah, yeah! - Well, congratulations. 199 00:10:08,258 --> 00:10:10,413 You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. 200 00:10:10,488 --> 00:10:12,171 - You win. - Oh, what do I win? 201 00:10:12,308 --> 00:10:14,461 I'll tell you what you win: I'm taking you away this weekend. 202 00:10:14,465 --> 00:10:16,422 You are? That's so nice. 203 00:10:16,426 --> 00:10:18,493 Yeah, my aunt and uncle have a beach house out in Montauk, 204 00:10:18,497 --> 00:10:19,922 oh, it's really romantic. 205 00:10:20,035 --> 00:10:21,941 My uncle's had like three affairs there. 206 00:10:22,118 --> 00:10:25,793 Wow, must be a nice house, I've seen pictures of your uncle. 207 00:10:27,405 --> 00:10:28,632 This is going to be so great. 208 00:10:28,638 --> 00:10:30,421 We'll finally get some time alone. 209 00:10:30,876 --> 00:10:32,832 Are you sure Marshall's going to be okay with this? 210 00:10:32,838 --> 00:10:35,993 Yeah, absolutely. Dude, I'm doing much better. 211 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,810 In fact, take my car. 212 00:10:37,815 --> 00:10:38,810 - Really? - Yeah. 213 00:10:38,817 --> 00:10:40,572 Hey, thanks... and, hey, 214 00:10:40,578 --> 00:10:42,873 if you need anything day or night, just call me-- 215 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,693 You know what, please don't call me. 216 00:10:45,915 --> 00:10:47,272 What? What's wrong? 217 00:10:47,827 --> 00:10:49,671 It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill. 218 00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,970 She must have forgotten to switch her address. 219 00:10:51,977 --> 00:10:52,743 So? 220 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,453 So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there in San Francisco. 221 00:10:56,457 --> 00:10:58,660 No. No, no good can come from looking at this. 222 00:10:58,668 --> 00:11:00,911 - You've made too much progress already. - I know but I just, maybe the-- 223 00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,742 No! 224 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:04,391 You're going to thank me for this. 225 00:11:07,505 --> 00:11:09,440 You're a good friend, Ted. 226 00:11:10,995 --> 00:11:13,581 August 5th, one charge-- tickets. 227 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:17,672 To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars. 228 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,550 August 10th, one charge: Tennis Emporium. 229 00:11:20,905 --> 00:11:25,030 August 18th, two charges: Mario's Bistro 230 00:11:25,038 --> 00:11:27,913 and, get this, Pet Palace. 231 00:11:29,408 --> 00:11:31,150 You guys see what this means, right? 232 00:11:33,905 --> 00:11:36,201 Wow, Mario's Bistro. 233 00:11:36,266 --> 00:11:39,110 What a perfect place to whore around. 234 00:11:39,206 --> 00:11:41,672 Only the best for my little Lily pad. 235 00:11:42,557 --> 00:11:47,061 Oh, funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert 236 00:11:47,065 --> 00:11:50,790 and dragged me on stage to dance with you Courtney Cox-style. 237 00:11:50,925 --> 00:11:53,531 And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. 238 00:11:54,768 --> 00:11:58,121 You know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years, 239 00:11:58,125 --> 00:12:01,573 but I didn't do it, because I never truly loved him. 240 00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:04,100 I got you a gift. 241 00:12:06,606 --> 00:12:07,920 Oh ! A ferret. 242 00:12:07,926 --> 00:12:11,782 Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. 243 00:12:12,005 --> 00:12:14,432 Oh, I've always wanted one, 244 00:12:14,437 --> 00:12:17,383 but Marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets. 245 00:12:17,386 --> 00:12:20,280 I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody. 246 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,900 It was. 247 00:12:22,665 --> 00:12:23,663 Oh. 248 00:12:23,666 --> 00:12:26,491 I love you, funk legend George Clinton. 249 00:12:26,835 --> 00:12:28,510 I love you, too, Lily. 250 00:12:28,896 --> 00:12:31,162 That's right, Marshall, she's all mine. 251 00:12:31,387 --> 00:12:32,911 Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair. 252 00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,810 # Ow, we want the funk. # 253 00:12:35,428 --> 00:12:36,840 # Give up the funk... # 254 00:12:36,905 --> 00:12:38,723 That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. 255 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:41,373 Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets? They're adorable. 256 00:12:41,408 --> 00:12:44,430 Because, Robin, they're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats. 257 00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,252 Plus, those charges are from, like, a month ago. 258 00:12:47,255 --> 00:12:47,893 Exactly. 259 00:12:47,896 --> 00:12:50,050 For new charges, you have to go to her online account. 260 00:12:50,215 --> 00:12:53,271 You can see credit card activity from, like, two hours ago. 261 00:12:55,236 --> 00:12:57,582 But, you know, don't. 262 00:12:59,976 --> 00:13:02,602 Why do you talk? Why do you talk?! 263 00:13:03,456 --> 00:13:05,481 He needs her password. It's not like he has her password. 264 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,383 Ooh, this is good, he has her password. 265 00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:12,270 There's a charge from earlier today: the Kellett Hotel on 5th. 266 00:13:13,297 --> 00:13:16,250 I don't believe this. Lily's back in New York. 267 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,600 I can't believe this. 268 00:13:21,606 --> 00:13:23,283 Lily's in New York? 269 00:13:23,608 --> 00:13:26,601 I-I guess I've been thinking when she got back, she'd call me. 270 00:13:27,085 --> 00:13:30,472 That's really the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer. 271 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,412 This has been "holding it together"? 272 00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:34,831 Okay, you know what? I'm calling her. 273 00:13:34,836 --> 00:13:36,132 - No. - Ted, give me the phone. 274 00:13:36,136 --> 00:13:37,512 You're not calling her, this changes nothing. 275 00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:38,832 You, come here. 276 00:13:40,008 --> 00:13:42,541 Look, while we're away this weekend, can you keep an eye on him, 277 00:13:42,548 --> 00:13:44,100 make sure he doesn't call that hotel? 278 00:13:44,125 --> 00:13:45,453 You want me to babysit him? 279 00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:46,863 20 bucks. 280 00:13:47,195 --> 00:13:48,081 An hour. 281 00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:49,381 And money for pizza. 282 00:13:49,386 --> 00:13:53,011 Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free or every time we hang out, you have to watch this? 283 00:13:53,016 --> 00:13:53,830 Come here. 284 00:13:53,837 --> 00:13:56,731 - My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips. - Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar... 285 00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,461 Okay, I'll do it! Stop being a couple. 286 00:14:01,285 --> 00:14:03,091 - Marshall. - Marshall, Marshall! 287 00:14:03,097 --> 00:14:04,912 Ted, I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to! 288 00:14:04,916 --> 00:14:05,551 - You call her... - We were together... 289 00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:06,841 - for nine years! - ...and everything we've been working so hard for 290 00:14:06,845 --> 00:14:08,113 is completely flushed down the toi... 291 00:14:08,286 --> 00:14:10,150 Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please. 292 00:14:11,246 --> 00:14:12,222 Thank you. 293 00:14:12,906 --> 00:14:14,042 - Hang up now. - Ted, I can't hang up now. 294 00:14:14,048 --> 00:14:14,940 - Hang up now. - The missiles are in the air, 295 00:14:14,945 --> 00:14:16,423 - and I know that you don't approve. - Hang up. 296 00:14:16,426 --> 00:14:17,041 Hello. 297 00:14:23,705 --> 00:14:24,951 Uh, a guy answered. 298 00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:27,602 There's-there's a guy in her room. 299 00:14:29,948 --> 00:14:31,871 - I'm going down there. - Dude, you can't do that. 300 00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,753 I have to go down there, and I have to tell her I love her; 301 00:14:33,757 --> 00:14:35,231 I have to beg her to take me back, 302 00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,611 even if I have to get down on my knees. 303 00:14:36,616 --> 00:14:38,722 - Marshall, you can't do that. - Oh, really, why not? 304 00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:40,482 56 days. 305 00:14:40,485 --> 00:14:42,940 That's how long it took me to get right about here. 306 00:14:42,947 --> 00:14:44,893 Because you're pathetic! 307 00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:49,803 I'm sorry, but right now, you are not Marshall. 308 00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:54,982 You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall, 309 00:14:54,988 --> 00:14:58,321 and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. 310 00:14:58,537 --> 00:15:01,110 You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line. 311 00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:02,602 Marshall. 312 00:15:02,606 --> 00:15:04,130 The real Marshall. 313 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,002 But if you go down there right now like this, 314 00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:08,640 you're going to blow it for him, and he's never going to forgive you. 315 00:15:09,895 --> 00:15:12,191 Of course, whatever I say, you're just going to do the opposite, so 316 00:15:12,197 --> 00:15:14,731 have a great weekend. Good luck screwing up your life. 317 00:15:14,785 --> 00:15:15,871 Come on, Robin. 318 00:15:20,216 --> 00:15:22,320 Is it still okay if we borrow the car? 319 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:26,571 Bold. Bold to go for the car. 320 00:15:30,306 --> 00:15:31,162 What? 321 00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:33,233 I didn't say a thing. 322 00:15:33,705 --> 00:15:35,482 You think I was too hard on him. 323 00:15:35,605 --> 00:15:37,072 I didn't say a thing. 324 00:15:37,077 --> 00:15:39,392 I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him. 325 00:15:39,407 --> 00:15:40,880 You're the one who said "tough love." 326 00:15:40,885 --> 00:15:43,431 Yeah, tough love, not "hand the guy a noose." 327 00:15:43,438 --> 00:15:45,562 Oh, but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter? 328 00:15:46,468 --> 00:15:48,850 Yeah, he told me. 329 00:15:51,166 --> 00:15:52,632 So you're a gun nut? 330 00:15:52,638 --> 00:15:54,662 No, I'm a gun enthusiast. 331 00:15:54,666 --> 00:15:56,150 - Do you know how many people... - The Second Amendment... 332 00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:57,650 - are killed each year in accidents... - protects my right to bear arms... 333 00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,712 All right, all right, all right. 334 00:15:59,906 --> 00:16:01,313 I was too hard on him. 335 00:16:02,708 --> 00:16:03,673 A little. 336 00:16:06,898 --> 00:16:08,762 I'm going to call Barney, see how they're doing. 337 00:16:09,897 --> 00:16:10,770 Go for Barney. 338 00:16:10,778 --> 00:16:12,101 Oh, hey, where are you guys? 339 00:16:12,106 --> 00:16:15,733 We're at a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college. 340 00:16:15,735 --> 00:16:17,101 Strip club, nice. 341 00:16:17,296 --> 00:16:18,443 Is Marshall okay? 342 00:16:18,748 --> 00:16:20,661 Yeah, he's here and he's great. Uh, hang on. 343 00:16:20,665 --> 00:16:22,193 Marshall? Tell Ted that-- 344 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:24,613 Uh-oh. 345 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,721 Already? 346 00:16:26,975 --> 00:16:28,271 What? What uh-oh? 347 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,692 He's gone. 348 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:30,892 You lost him? 349 00:16:30,897 --> 00:16:32,933 I can't believe this. He's gonna go down to that hotel. 350 00:16:33,105 --> 00:16:35,411 Crap, you're right. Okay, okay, here's the plan, here's the plan. 351 00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:37,500 You go down to the hotel and find him. 352 00:16:37,506 --> 00:16:39,602 I'll stay here and get a lap dance. On three. One, two... 353 00:16:39,605 --> 00:16:40,472 Barney! 354 00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:48,291 Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place? 355 00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,063 A really nice one. 356 00:16:54,205 --> 00:16:56,662 Hi, uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in? 357 00:16:58,757 --> 00:16:59,693 Marshall. 358 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,200 Hey. 359 00:17:03,207 --> 00:17:04,331 What happened? 360 00:17:04,496 --> 00:17:07,973 Well, I went up to Lily's floor, 361 00:17:07,976 --> 00:17:09,991 and I had this little speech in my head-- 362 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:14,731 everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer about love, loyalty, respect. 363 00:17:15,005 --> 00:17:16,382 I knocked on the door. 364 00:17:22,726 --> 00:17:25,210 So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend? 365 00:17:25,217 --> 00:17:26,112 Yeah. 366 00:17:26,397 --> 00:17:27,912 It wasn't Lily's boyfriend. 367 00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:29,541 What? Who-- who was it? 368 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,412 His name was Joey Adalian, 369 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:35,022 although he went by a number of aliases in his years as an identity thief. 370 00:17:35,426 --> 00:17:37,272 Apparently, earlier in the summer... 371 00:17:37,637 --> 00:17:40,731 Oh, this is so embarrassing. 372 00:17:40,738 --> 00:17:43,051 I-I could have sworn I had some change. 373 00:17:44,066 --> 00:17:46,010 I know, I know. I'm sorry. 374 00:17:46,807 --> 00:17:48,212 Oh, here we go. 375 00:17:49,006 --> 00:17:50,703 No, that's-that's a button. 376 00:17:50,906 --> 00:17:52,322 It was a button. 377 00:17:55,377 --> 00:17:58,392 - Do you, uh, take credit cards? - Yes, I do. 378 00:17:59,108 --> 00:18:02,480 So Lily's not back in town, and she doesn't have a boyfriend? 379 00:18:02,485 --> 00:18:03,913 Th-That's good news, right? 380 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:04,791 Yeah. 381 00:18:05,905 --> 00:18:06,981 I don't know. 382 00:18:08,027 --> 00:18:11,692 Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. 383 00:18:12,878 --> 00:18:15,800 I don't know where she is or what she's doing. 384 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:20,600 She was my whole life, man, and now she's-she's gone. 385 00:18:25,007 --> 00:18:27,872 You know, first day of college, I showed up, 386 00:18:27,876 --> 00:18:33,170 I was so freaked out, and-and I got up to my room, and there was my roommate, 387 00:18:33,845 --> 00:18:36,283 lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. 388 00:18:36,305 --> 00:18:40,621 Had headphones on, big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. 389 00:18:41,505 --> 00:18:42,470 Happy. 390 00:18:42,696 --> 00:18:43,820 Confident. 391 00:18:43,825 --> 00:18:45,421 Not afraid of anything. 392 00:18:46,317 --> 00:18:47,891 That guy was you. 393 00:18:48,305 --> 00:18:50,383 You before you met Lily. 394 00:18:52,547 --> 00:18:53,490 Ted? 395 00:18:53,927 --> 00:18:54,812 Yeah? 396 00:18:55,766 --> 00:18:57,232 I was high that day. 397 00:18:57,757 --> 00:19:00,382 I was. I was so high, I thought you were the dean. 398 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:10,102 Wh-What I'm saying is there's a version of you without Lily, and it's not this. 399 00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:15,452 You can't let Lily steal your identity the way that guy stole hers. 400 00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:18,863 Okay. 401 00:19:20,187 --> 00:19:22,251 Okay, resolved. 402 00:19:22,706 --> 00:19:25,942 Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being okay. 403 00:19:26,757 --> 00:19:28,143 - Cheers. - Cheers. 404 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:39,040 But he wasn't, 'cause that's not how life works. 405 00:19:39,125 --> 00:19:41,590 The next day, he found one of her socks or something, 406 00:19:41,595 --> 00:19:43,382 and we were back to square one. 407 00:19:46,106 --> 00:19:47,863 And then, one morning... 408 00:19:47,867 --> 00:19:50,301 Ted, I think you should see this. 409 00:19:51,105 --> 00:19:52,650 Oh, no, what now? 410 00:19:54,506 --> 00:19:56,993 Marshall, what are you doing? 411 00:19:57,708 --> 00:19:58,653 It's Sunday. 412 00:19:59,536 --> 00:20:00,733 It's pancakes day. 413 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:10,232 It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes... 414 00:20:15,207 --> 00:20:16,333 So good. 415 00:20:17,005 --> 00:20:18,093 So good. 416 00:20:18,707 --> 00:20:21,251 ...but Marshall had come back from the dead. 417 00:20:21,708 --> 00:20:24,342 Because while baseball, strippers, and guns can help, 418 00:20:24,645 --> 00:20:28,443 the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. 419 00:20:28,448 --> 00:20:31,081 # I try to laugh about it # 420 00:20:31,087 --> 00:20:34,631 # Cover it all up with lies # 421 00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:39,471 # I try to laugh about it # 422 00:20:39,478 --> 00:20:43,112 # Hiding the tears from my eyes # 423 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:49,701 # 'Cause boys don't cry. #