1
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:20,243
OLDER TED; Kids, life is a dark road,
You never really know what's up ahead,
2
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:23,183
One night, you're cruising along,
enjoying the ride,
3
00:00:23,289 --> 00:00:26,816
and then all of a sudden, you're 28,
4
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:30,123
- And for the birthday boy, lasagna.
- Thank you.
5
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,858
- Careful. The plate is very hot.
- Okay.
6
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,364
Oh, go on, touch it.
7
00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:37,660
(EXCLAIMS)
8
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,069
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
9
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,140
All right, so, Barney,
are you doing this or what?
10
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:46,679
- Oh, jeez, Barney, don't do this.
- I have to. It's my birthday present to Ted.
11
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:49,180
You don't have to.
Please, it's going to be embarrassing,
12
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,546
and we're gonna have
to stop coming here, which will suck,
13
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,449
in addition to probably being
kind of healthy.
14
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:58,354
Come on, Marshall,
it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
15
00:00:58,758 --> 00:00:59,952
Barney.
16
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,160
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
17
00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:05,024
Ah! Happy birthday, Ted.
18
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,325
(WHOOPS)
19
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:10,327
Excuse me, has anyone ever told you...
20
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:12,234
- Oh, my God!
- What?
21
00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:14,634
Oh, call an ambulance!
22
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,141
- What's going on?
- Try not to speak. Here, sit down.
23
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,574
Just don't talk. Don't talk.
24
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:21,169
- Is she okay?
- I'm serious, call 911.
25
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:22,305
What's wrong? What's the matter?
26
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:23,473
(SHUSHING)
27
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,073
Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...
28
00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,380
Here, have some water. Water!
29
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:29,915
Here, drink this.
30
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,318
You know, the more I watch this,
the less convinced I am
31
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,691
that it's the greatest pickup line
of all time.
32
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,024
Wait for it.
33
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:42,234
Twenty-eight.
Two more until the big one. Three-O.
34
00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:45,700
OLDER TED; Actually,
my 30th birthday wasn't so bad,
35
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:48,000
Well, except for the goat in my bathroom,
Which is a great story,
36
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,166
(BLEATING)
37
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,799
But I'll get to that later,
38
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:54,812
Still, you know, another year older.
Still single.
39
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,542
You don't hear
your Ted-o-Iogical clock ticking?
40
00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,845
Nope. I hit the snooze button.
41
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,620
And here come the paramedics.
42
00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:05,452
- Oh, thank God, you're here.
- What is going on?
43
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,185
I think there might be
some internal bleeding.
44
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,591
Probably some fractures.
We gotta get her to the hospital.
45
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:12,164
- What are you talking about?
- You've had a terrible fall.
46
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:13,289
No, I haven't.
47
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:17,563
Really? 'Cause I could swear
you fell straight out of heaven, Angel.
48
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,941
Give him your number. What?
49
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,374
Give him your number. What?
50
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,038
Give him your...
Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
51
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,547
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
52
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:30,911
What are you... Come on.
53
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:32,314
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
54
00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:34,784
They're not going to stop
till you give me your number.
55
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,287
- Give him your number.
- Give him your number.
56
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,481
- All right!
- It works!
57
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:38,921
(CHEERING)
58
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,718
I cannot believe
that she gave him her number.
59
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,663
Maybe she really does have a brain injury.
60
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,460
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.
61
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,037
It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well.
Thanks a lot, guys.
62
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:54,072
Troilus and Cressida,
Neighborhood Playhouse.
63
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,972
Check them out, they're good.
They're good.
64
00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:01,046
I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky.
I'm not going to settle.
65
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,172
If I'm going to marry someone,
she has to be perfect.
66
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:05,581
- Well, what's perfect?
- Well, it's not like I have a list.
67
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,983
- Oh, yes, you do.
- Attractive, college-educated.
68
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,577
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
69
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,520
- That's not hard. I know at least...
- I'm not done.
70
00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:14,650
She likes dogs, Otis Redding,
does the crossword.
71
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:15,750
She's into sports,
72
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,262
but not so much so that her legs
are, like, more muscular than mine.
73
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,388
That weirds me out.
74
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,592
And she plays bass guitar
like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
75
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:25,262
- Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
- Any Kim from any cool band, really.
76
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:28,340
- Can't be too picky.
- You're never going to find this girl.
77
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:31,103
Exactly. So I'm just going to wait
for her to come to me.
78
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,577
I am done trying to plan the unplannable.
79
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,740
So, what, you think fate's just going
to take care of it?
80
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,407
That's the plan.
81
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,984
OLDER TED; And little did I know,
at that very moment, fate,
82
00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:47,116
in the form of a 600-gigahertz,
super-processing computer
83
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,092
was taking care of it,
84
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,090
(BEEPING)
85
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:53,727
(TED GROANING)
86
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:57,797
- Whoa, you're up early.
- Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.
87
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,896
- Does Marshall know?
- He's still sound asleep.
88
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:10,211
Awesome! So awesome!
89
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,583
God! Best girl ever.
90
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:16,548
Screw these pancakes, I should cover you
in syrup and gobble you up.
91
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:18,453
TED: Please don't do that.
92
00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:21,785
Hey, is this milk any good?
93
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:24,089
(GAGS)
94
00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:26,992
Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.
95
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,534
God, why didn't you throw it away?
96
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:33,569
I'm going shopping after work.
I'll pick up some milk.
97
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:37,074
Oh! These pancakes are delightful.
98
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,942
What's wrong, baby?
99
00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:45,116
This is the high point of my day.
100
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,207
OLDER TED; It was true,
101
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,514
See, Marshall had always dreamed
of using his law degree
102
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,986
to protect the environment,
103
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:51,522
But he needed money for the wedding,
104
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:54,286
so he'd been interning for two months
at Barney's firm,
105
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:56,624
and he hated every minute of it,
106
00:04:56,729 --> 00:05:00,062
Hey, Barney, I had some questions
about filling out these requisition forms.
107
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:02,396
Binoculars. Second pair, on my desk.
108
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,596
I don't have time to be creepy, dude.
I have a lot of work to do.
109
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,764
Just take a look, will you?
110
00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:12,407
Hey, corner office. Top floor.
111
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,042
Check out that guy.
112
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:16,908
BARNEY: Name's Clark Butterfield.
113
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:19,314
He works over
at Nicholson, Hewitt and West,
114
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,718
and every morning, he orders a sandwich
from the deli downstairs.
115
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:26,553
- So?
- So, guess what I did to that sandwich?
116
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,791
Here, I took a picture.
117
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,292
Oh! Sweet Lord!
118
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,933
And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.
119
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,643
Duck!
120
00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:52,407
That is sick!
121
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,456
- Why would you do that?
- Who knows?
122
00:05:57,557 --> 00:06:00,390
This feud goes so far back
I can't remember who fired the first shot.
123
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,983
- You?
- Totally.
124
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,964
Well, look, if you would just
help me fill out these forms,
125
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,829
that would be great.
126
00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:10,257
What?
127
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,838
Butterfield is going to retaliate
within the next four hours.
128
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,737
That's been his pattern.
This is war, Eriksen.
129
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:18,936
I need you to clear your schedule. Call Lily.
Tell her you'll be home late.
130
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,945
This is stupid.
131
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,539
Come on, man, I didn't recruit you
to work here for your lawyering skills.
132
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:28,108
I recruited you to be
my executive mischief consultant.
133
00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:30,379
This is a job for me, Barney.
134
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,651
It's a way to make
some extra wedding money, and that's it.
135
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:35,353
Now, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.
136
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,026
Tracy, could you come in here, please?
137
00:06:43,035 --> 00:06:47,369
Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen
that I'm no longer speaking to him?
138
00:06:47,673 --> 00:06:51,939
- Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
- I get it. Thank you, Tracy.
139
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:55,778
(PHONE RINGING)
140
00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:58,773
Hello?
141
00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:02,719
Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
142
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:03,811
Speaking.
143
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,550
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?
144
00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,058
Bob Rorschach over here
at Love Solutions.
145
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:11,089
You signed up for our services
about six months ago,
146
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,529
Yeah. You guys never found me a match.
147
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,599
Right. Well, actually,
that's why I'm calling.
148
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:20,195
We found her, sir,
We found your soul mate,
149
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,210
I don't understand.
What happened to Ellen Pierce?
150
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,573
Doesn't she run this place?
151
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:29,273
Well, my firm bought out the company.
152
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,782
You know, we're a high-end meats
and textiles conglomerate,
153
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:35,342
but the geniuses at corporate
decided they wanted to diversify,
154
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,548
so here I am.
155
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,120
So I'm in good hands.
156
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:41,849
You found me a match?
157
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:45,556
There she is. Your soul mate.
That'll be 500 bucks.
158
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:49,325
No way. The last time I did this,
the girl turned out to be engaged.
159
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:52,302
She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.
160
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,134
Just read the file.
161
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:55,700
(SIGHS)
162
00:07:57,343 --> 00:08:01,211
OLDER TED; So I read the file,
And, by God, this woman was perfect,
163
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:04,880
She liked dogs,
She spent her summers in North Carolina,
164
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,714
She played bass guitar,
She didThe Times crossword,
165
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,687
She played tennis, She liked old movies,
Her favorite food was lasagna,
166
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,758
Her favorite book was
Love in the Time of Cholera.
167
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:17,694
Her favorite singer was Otis Redding,
And she wanted two kids, a boy and a girl,
168
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,790
All right, fine. Set it up.
169
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,296
You wanted to see me,
so I guess that means we're talking again.
170
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:29,204
Will you taste this latte for me?
I think they gave me decaf.
171
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,440
It tastes normal to me.
172
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:37,607
That's what I thought, too.
Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
173
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:41,346
- Oh, God!
- It got me as well.
174
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:44,145
Well, then why did you have me drink it?
175
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:47,055
Because now you're in.
176
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,694
Okay.
177
00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:51,422
Don't think I'm overlooking
the obvious fact
178
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,795
that I should just be mad at you.
179
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:58,166
But Executive Mischief Consultant
Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.
180
00:08:58,938 --> 00:09:01,065
Let's make that bastard pay.
181
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:03,064
You think that
we should brush our teeth first?
182
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:05,370
- Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
- Let's go.
183
00:09:06,178 --> 00:09:09,272
OLDER TED; So, that night I had
a blind date with my perfect match,
184
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,373
I was so excited, I got there early,
185
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,951
But before it even started...
186
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,485
(PHONE RINGING)
187
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,114
Lily?
188
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,713
Hey, Ted, are you busy?
189
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,955
Um, yes.
190
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,686
Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.
191
00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,094
Listen, could you take
a cab out to Dutchess County
192
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,223
and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?
193
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,358
What?
194
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:32,363
What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?
195
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:35,096
Marshall can't know about this.
196
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:38,301
Look, Ted, it's dark,
I don't know how to change a tire,
197
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,472
and I've stumbled into the beginning
of a very scary campfire story.
198
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,016
- Can you please hurry?
- I can't. I'm waiting...
199
00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:48,575
Oh, my God,
is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?
200
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,485
No, drifter, no!
201
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,525
- Come on, Lily.
- But you see my point.
202
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,555
All right, stay there. I'm on my way.
203
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:08,006
OLDER TED; And so, one $90 cab ride later,
I was in the middle of nowhere,
204
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:13,278
Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this.
205
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,210
- Did you get ahold of your date?
- Yes.
206
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:18,681
- And was she okay about pushing it back?
- Yes. Because she's perfect!
207
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,274
So, what am I doing here?
208
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:22,445
- You can never tell Marshall.
- I won't.
209
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:26,389
Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives
of your unborn boy and girl.
210
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:28,483
I swear on Luke and Leia.
211
00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,154
About a month ago,
I started getting insomnia.
212
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,660
LIL Y; Marrying Marshall had been
all I wanted for a long time,
213
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:41,734
But now that it was really happening,
it seemed kind of huge and scary,
214
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:44,810
TED; Did you talk to Marshall about it?
LIL Y; He wouldn't have understood,
215
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,572
He's not exactly nervous
about tying the knot,
216
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:48,806
(SNORING)
217
00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:55,182
So I spent my nights reading, painting,
218
00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:57,414
setting the high score
on Super Bomberman,
219
00:10:57,523 --> 00:10:59,514
- TED; That was you? Awesome!
- I know!
220
00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:03,152
I just got in the zone and...
Not the point of the story,
221
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,628
And then I started thinking about Victoria
222
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,995
and how she followed
her dream to Germany,
223
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,795
then I found this art fellowship,
224
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:14,399
- Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
- San Francisco.
225
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:20,035
But it's not like I'm going to do it.
The dates conflict with the wedding.
226
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:25,716
But I love painting,
and I've always wondered if I'm any good.
227
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,583
This was the way to find out.
228
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,623
- And the interview is tonight.
- In New Haven.
229
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,163
You don't want to get married.
230
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,597
Of course I want to get married!
231
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:45,101
I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.
232
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:49,071
I just... I just really wanted to see
if I could get this.
233
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:53,609
Lily, we live in the center
of art and culture in America.
234
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,113
I'm sure you could find a program here
that's just as selective.
235
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,513
But you chose one
in a city 3,000 miles away,
236
00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:00,517
and you didn't tell Marshall.
237
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:03,452
I think it's pretty clear what that means.
238
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:06,514
Okay, I...
239
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,354
I was having second thoughts.
240
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,287
But I'm not anymore.
241
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:17,591
I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign.
I'm not supposed to do this.
242
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:20,934
I'm supposed to go home
and be with Marshall.
243
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:26,639
- You must think I'm so stupid.
- I don't think you're stupid.
244
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,647
- I love Marshall.
- I know you do. Come here.
245
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:34,417
It's okay.
246
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,650
Look, marriage is big.
You're allowed to freak out.
247
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,016
But why am I the only one?
248
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:43,787
How come Marshall isn't doing
anything crazy?
249
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:47,296
So all we need is one large shipping box
and 100 white mice.
250
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:52,332
All done.
251
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:57,267
Ted, let's go to New Haven.
252
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,842
Lily, don't do this to yourself.
253
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,406
I just need to know if I can get in.
254
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:05,507
If I do this interview,
and get into the program, then I'll know,
255
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,984
and I can forget all about it,
and get married.
256
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:09,486
Come on! It's an adventure.
257
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,216
No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.
258
00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:15,816
Okay, yes, it's a mistake.
I know it's a mistake.
259
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,954
But there are certain things in life
where you know it's a mistake,
260
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:20,622
but you don't really know it's a mistake,
261
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,668
because the only way to really know
it's a mistake is to make the mistake,
262
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:26,101
and look back and say,
"Yep, that was a mistake."
263
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:29,470
So, really, the bigger mistake would be
to not make the mistake
264
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:31,475
because then you'd go your whole life
not really knowing
265
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,204
if something is a mistake or not.
266
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,371
And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!
267
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,812
I've done all of this,
268
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:41,148
my life, my relationship,
my career, mistake-free.
269
00:13:42,087 --> 00:13:44,351
Does any of this make sense to you?
270
00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:47,118
I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.
271
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,921
Lily, don't do this.
272
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,462
Ted, I'm getting married in two months,
273
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,691
and I'm freaking out,
and you're my best friend,
274
00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:56,859
- and you just have to forgive me for this.
- But forgive you for what?
275
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:59,096
Lily. Lily!
276
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,601
Hey, Lily, this is Ted,
277
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:09,340
the guy you left stranded
by the side of the road.
278
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:11,575
Just wanted to say good luck
with the interview.
279
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,083
Remember to pick up some milk.
280
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:16,586
Oh, and when I get home,
I'm going to kill you.
281
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,352
And, also, I texted you the same thing.
282
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,230
Hey, I need a big favor.
283
00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:30,359
Anything, bro.
284
00:14:30,469 --> 00:14:32,528
I need you to come up to Dutchess County
and pick me up.
285
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:33,798
No.
286
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,305
- It's kind of an emergency.
- What are you doing in Dutchess County?
287
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:40,708
Apple picking. Can you just get up here?
288
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:43,408
I wish I could help, buddy,
but I'm stuck here at work.
289
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,107
We're kind of swamped.
290
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:48,084
- Hey, is that Ted?
- Yeah. He's stuck in Dutchess County.
291
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:49,654
Don't you have a big date tonight?
292
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:52,349
(STAMMERING) Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
293
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:54,458
So what are you doing
in Dutchess County?
294
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:59,297
Can't a brother go apple picking
without getting the third degree? Damn!
295
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,329
Okay, well, hang on.
I'm coming to get you.
296
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,933
- No!
- Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
297
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:06,266
No, no, no. Just forget it.
298
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,333
A little prank. I'm not in Dutchess County.
299
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:12,675
So, that's the prank?
That you're not in Dutchess County?
300
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:17,509
Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.
301
00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:23,179
Hey, check it out.
This one actually looks like Butterfield.
302
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,517
(GIGGLING)
303
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,889
You know, over at the NRDC,
it's a bunch of really committed people
304
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:32,760
who take their job of saving the Earth
very, very seriously.
305
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:35,163
Which is great and everything, but
306
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,361
I can't imagine having
this much fun over there.
307
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,995
You're thinking about
coming to work here full-time?
308
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,266
Maybe.
309
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,570
- Don't tell Lily, okay?
- No.
310
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,475
- Taking off for the night.
- Thanks, Tracy.
311
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:51,307
Are you guys planning
on punching some holes in that box?
312
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,911
Of course we are.
313
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:57,014
- Were you going to think of that?
- No.
314
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,714
- That would have been bad.
- Horrible.
315
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:03,660
OLDER TED; Luckily, there was still
one person I could call to get a ride home,
316
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:07,497
- Need a ride, cowboy?
- Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.
317
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:11,365
- Too bad. I got candy.
- Candy?
318
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,700
So, you're not going to tell me
what you were doing
319
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,742
by the side of a highway
in Dutchess County?
320
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,744
- Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
- Oh, come on.
321
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,174
- I like your hat.
- Right.
322
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,608
This is embarrassing. I got highlights.
323
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,882
Oh, for the waiting room
of your dental practice?
324
00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:34,323
- Highlights is a children's magazine.
- Yeah, I got it.
325
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,888
I thought it might look cool.
326
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:40,227
Of course, my colorist took "highlights"
to mean, "I want to look like a tiger,"
327
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,392
- hence the hat.
- Oh. I gotta see this.
328
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,561
- No way.
- Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.
329
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,503
I bet it looks great!
330
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:54,845
"So," she says, changing the subject,
"Big date tonight."
331
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,915
How does she rate
on the Mosby checklist?
332
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,815
Kind of amazingly. She's 28, like me.
333
00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:02,878
Wow, I'm 28.
334
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:07,024
College-educated, check.
Plays tennis, check.
335
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,651
Favorite book
is Love in the Time of Cholera, check.
336
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:13,858
I read that. More like,
"Love in the time of don't bothera."
337
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:18,294
You know, it's very rude
to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.
338
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,805
- We're not indoors. We're in a van.
- Vans have doors. Let me see your hair.
339
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:25,308
- Never. What else?
- She loves lasagna.
340
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,403
- Barf.
- You know, I am sensing a pattern here.
341
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,479
What else?
342
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,949
Let's see what else.
Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger, check.
343
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,145
(EXCLAIMS)
344
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,314
And she's looking to get married
and have kids?
345
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:41,120
Check and check.
She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.
346
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,250
Wow.
347
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:47,394
You know, I've been thinking about this.
I think I want to have zero kids.
348
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:49,433
Really? You don't want kids?
349
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:53,096
You know, Ted, not everyone
is as much of a woman as you.
350
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:56,173
Hey. I'm driving.
351
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,507
Look at that. 8:56. You're early.
352
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,916
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
353
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:10,148
Good luck on your date.
I hope she's everything you're looking for.
354
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,384
Thanks.
355
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,190
(EXHALES)
356
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,295
All right, you've clearly had a rough night.
357
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,958
I want you to go in there
with a smile on your face,
358
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:23,694
so here's what I'm going to do.
359
00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:25,326
You're going to show me your hair?
360
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,064
Actually, I was going
to show you my breasts,
361
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,197
but, sure, we can do hair.
362
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,479
(LAUGHING)
363
00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:40,882
You just made my night.
364
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:43,845
Go.
365
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,485
(MOTHER OF PEARL PLAYING)
366
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:47,085
Tomorrow morning,
Barney's going to send out the package,
367
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,917
and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep
in angry white mice.
368
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,616
- Oh, hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.
369
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,191
- Hi.
- Hey.
370
00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:00,457
So, Lil, did you get the milk?
371
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:05,198
Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
372
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:08,804
You think you might want
to drink the milk?
373
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:13,038
No. Nope, I'm good.
374
00:20:14,179 --> 00:20:16,044
I don't need any milk.
375
00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:21,678
Look, guys, I know milk is important.
376
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:24,420
It's got vitamin A, vitamin D.
377
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,825
It's a great way to start the morning,
but Ted just had a huge date.
378
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:30,918
- How'd it go, dude?
- I didn't go.
379
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:32,694
What? Why?
380
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:35,494
I changed my mind.
I don't want to meet her.
381
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,569
Why? She sounds perfect.
382
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:41,394
I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
383
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:44,805
Oh, God, not this again.
384
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,310
- Ted, it's a mistake!
- Maybe.
385
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,380
But it's a mistake I have to make.
386
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:53,174
Wrong. It's a mistake
you don't have to make.
387
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:54,377
Look at the evidence.
388
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:56,647
You and Robin have tried this
again and again...
389
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,450
OLDER TED; Here's the thing
about mistakes,
390
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:01,390
Sometimes, even when you know
something's a mistake,
391
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:02,892
you gotta make it, anyway,
392
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,019
(EXCLAIMS)
393
00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:06,120
Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!
394
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,324
Hey, is this milk any good?
395
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,594
(GAGS)
396
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:16,469
OLDER TED; Even really,
really dumb mistakes,