1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:03,935
<i>TED; Previously on</i> How I Met Your Mother.

2
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:05,402
<i>TED; She was completely amazing,</i>

3
00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,099
<i>She was amazing and funny and...</i>

4
00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:11,175
- You have feelings for Ted?
- Maybe.

5
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:15,678
I've just been offered a fellowship
at a culinary institute in Germany.

6
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,682
- Do you wanna try long distance?
- Yes!

7
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,843
"This long distance thing sucks, huh?

8
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,750
"And I really need to talk to you tonight."

9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,323
- She's gonna dump me!
- She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.

10
00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:25,481
Hello?

11
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:27,792
Do you want to come over?

12
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,641
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, your grandma</i>
<i>always used to say to me,</i>

13
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:46,371
<i>"Nothing good happens after 2.00 a.m."</i>

14
00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:49,039
<i>She was right,</i>
<i>When 2.00 a.m. rolls around,</i>

15
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,014
<i>just go home and go to sleep,</i>

16
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,243
<i>Case in point...</i>

17
00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:55,386
(PHONE RINGING)

18
00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:58,082
- Hello?
- Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

19
00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:01,894
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?

20
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,988
<i>OLDER TED; Let's back up a little bit,</i>

21
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,502
Sit.

22
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:20,969
Good boys. Okay.

23
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,414
Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.

24
00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:25,848
See you tonight.

25
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,386
So, the life of a television reporter
is very rewarding,

26
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:33,618
and I strongly urge you
to consider it as a career.

27
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Thank you.

28
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:40,599
- Yeah.
- Do you have a fiancé?

29
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:45,137
Marshall was here yesterday.
They just learned the word "fiancé."

30
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:47,302
No, I don't have a fiancé.

31
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:48,635
Then who do you live with?

32
00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:51,869
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

33
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:53,741
Don't you get Ionely?

34
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:56,277
No, I've got five dogs.

35
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:59,780
My Grandma has five cats
and she gets Ionely.

36
00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:03,378
Well, yeah, that's cats.
I'm not some pathetic cat lady.

37
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,650
Not that your grandmother is...

38
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:07,350
Does anyone else have a...

39
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,428
- Yes.
- Are you a lesbian?

40
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:13,056
No, are you? Just because a woman
lives alone doesn't mean she's a...

41
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:16,465
Okay. Let's have a big hand
for Robin the reporter!

42
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,336
All right, our next guest is another friend...

43
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:24,206
So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks
'cause I just saw one. What up. Tiny five.

44
00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:30,081
Laugh now. Those kids are monsters.
They're gonna eat you alive.

45
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,510
He has a job doing...

46
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:35,044
- What do you do?
- Please.

47
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,613
Kids, let's rap.

48
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,693
You guys don't give half a brown Crayola
what I do for a living, do you?

49
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:43,921
- KIDS: No.
- No, no. I know what you want.

50
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,126
- Magic.
- Yeah!

51
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,468
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?

52
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:52,231
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

53
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,431
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.

54
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,772
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.

55
00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:00,303
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?

56
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:01,573
I'm like half your viewership.

57
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,172
I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.

58
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,076
MAN: And, we're clear.

59
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,053
So, Scherbatsky. Got a boyfriend?

60
00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,954
No, and why does this
keep coming up today?

61
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,821
I just thought that guy you
were on the phone with...

62
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,726
What? Oh, no. That was Ted.
He's just a friend.

63
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:20,526
I mean, there was this moment
where we almost dated,

64
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,033
but we want completely different things.

65
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,967
Anyway, now he has his girlfriend
in Germany

66
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:26,766
and he thinks she's calling
to dump him tonight,

67
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,363
but I don't think she is.

68
00:03:28,474 --> 00:03:31,136
And, besides,
we want completely different things.

69
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:33,769
- We should have sex.
- What?

70
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,313
Why not?

71
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:38,475
We're both available. We're both
attractive. We're both good at it.

72
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,075
At least, I'm good at it.

73
00:03:40,186 --> 00:03:43,883
And even if you're not, don't worry.
I'll have a good time either way.

74
00:03:43,990 --> 00:03:46,891
Well, moving past the horrifying image
of your hair helmet

75
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,654
clanging against the headboard,

76
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:51,628
I don't get involved
with people I work with.

77
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:55,824
Get involved? Who said get involved?
I'm just saying we should have sex.

78
00:03:55,935 --> 00:03:57,402
- MAN: We're on in five, four...
- It'd be fun.

79
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,130
Having sex is fun.

80
00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,296
Home number. Call me anytime.

81
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,432
A lot of local teams in action tonight.

82
00:04:06,879 --> 00:04:08,471
Hey, guys.

83
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,210
Miss me?

84
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,616
I missed you, too.

85
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,468
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

86
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,765
Listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?

87
00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:22,953
- Ted?
- Yeah. Hi, I'm here.

88
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:27,049
- Do you want to come over?
- Why? What's up?

89
00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:32,724
Well, I just finally set up my new juicer,

90
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:35,096
and I was gonna make some juice.
And I was like,

91
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,499
"You know who likes juice? Ted."

92
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:40,695
I love juice.

93
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:44,265
Great, so you want to come over
and make juice?

94
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,774
<i>When it's after 2.00 a.m. just go to sleep,</i>

95
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:52,078
<i>Because the decisions you make after</i>
<i>2.00 a.m. are the wrong decisions,</i>

96
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,847
Okay, sure, I'll come over, we'll

97
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,450
- juice.
- Yes, we'll juice.

98
00:05:57,890 --> 00:06:00,620
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.

99
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:02,787
Bye.

100
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:11,126
This is fine. This is totally fine.

101
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:12,431
What's fine?

102
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:16,167
Oh, I'm going over to this girl's house
to make some juice.

103
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:17,498
Nice.

104
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:20,545
No, it's not like that.
We're juicing as friends.

105
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,305
See, I have this girlfriend.

106
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:26,544
I would never cheat on her.
She lives in Germany.

107
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,847
See, she was supposed to call me
four hours ago to have a serious talk.

108
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,892
I still haven't heard from her. I don't know.

109
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:36,086
Sorry to bug you with my problems.

110
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:39,331
Guess cab drivers
are the new bartenders, huh?

111
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:42,029
You ain't kidding, kid.

112
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:44,660
Want a nip?

113
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:47,137
You could just let me out right up here.

114
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:51,437
- Where are you going to buddy?
- Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.

115
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,403
Okay, here's where I left off
with the last guy.

116
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:58,746
See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over
to this other girl's house...

117
00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:01,115
And you're wondering if I'd be upset.

118
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:03,721
Hi, Ted. Remember me? Your girlfriend.

119
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,916
Okay, relax. Robin's just a friend.

120
00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:08,391
Right. You're gonna go make some juice.

121
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,792
Yes, yes. Juice is perfectly harmless.

122
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,626
In fact, it's healthy.

123
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:15,701
Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering
what she looks like naked?

124
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:17,269
I am not...

125
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,396
Okay, even if I am wondering that,
it's only 'cause you put it in my head.

126
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,906
But I am just a manifestation
of your subconscious,

127
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,102
so actually, you put it in your own head.

128
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:26,303
Damn it!

129
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:27,674
Nothing's gonna happen.

130
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,374
- Right.
- Okay, okay. You want a second opinion?

131
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:31,507
Fine.

132
00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:36,083
(DANCE-MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING)

133
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,021
Hey. Did she call?

134
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,853
No. I need a ruling.

135
00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,254
I'm... Yeah, this is stupid.
It's not even a big deal,

136
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:46,229
but I'm on my way over to Robin's
right now.

137
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,494
She got a new juicer. Whatever.
We're gonna test it out.

138
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,427
Let me call you back.

139
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,006
Honey, there's a situation developing.

140
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:02,205
Do you remember the huge secret
that you told me

141
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,476
that you weren't supposed to, but you did?

142
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,313
The thing about Robin?

143
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:06,652
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?

144
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:07,584
You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?

145
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:08,676
- What?
- What?

146
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:11,188
Yeah. She told me already. Go on.

147
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,485
Wait. So I'm the only one
that she didn't tell?

148
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,254
She told you and not me?

149
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:18,262
Well, I guess I'm just better friends
with her than you are.

150
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:21,128
Well, I'm better friends with Ted
than you are.

151
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,168
- That is a lie.
- It is not a lie.

152
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,931
- Okay, that's it. You and me.
- You think you can take me? Come on!

153
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,630
I'm not afraid of you!
You're embarrassing your...

154
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:29,105
I'll show you things
you've never seen before!

155
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:31,668
(BOTH SHOUTING)

156
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,610
Come on. Pick up.

157
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:36,748
Damn it, Victoria. Where are you?

158
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,407
Pick up! Pick up!

159
00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:40,209
- Cupcake?
- No, thanks.

160
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:42,947
Where are you? Why haven't you called?

161
00:08:43,055 --> 00:08:44,955
I'm out hooking up.

162
00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:46,988
With three other guys.

163
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:51,724
Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend
and I'm calling you right now.

164
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,726
Yeah, why do I doubt that?

165
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:54,800
(PHONE RINGING)

166
00:08:56,135 --> 00:08:58,365
- Hello?
- Ted. I just saw the news,

167
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:03,909
and a truck carrying sulfuric acid
overturned right in front of Robin's house.

168
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,477
<i>And it's melting through the sidewalk,</i>

169
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:06,943
You can see straight down into Hell.

170
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:09,207
It's bad. You should go home, dude.

171
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:11,806
Marshall, it's fine.
Nothing's gonna happen.

172
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:15,681
- Ted, what does your Mom always say?
- Nothing good ever...

173
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:19,849
Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Go home! It's too late for juice.

174
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:23,827
Dude, Robin and I are just friends.
She doesn't even like me that way.

175
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,694
Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.

176
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,191
- What?
- It's a big secret.

177
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:33,295
So don't tell her I told you,
but she's very vulnerable right now.

178
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,239
And you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted.

179
00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:39,003
- She likes me?
<i>- Yes,</i>

180
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:42,638
<i>So you see why it would be</i>
<i>a very bad idea for you to go up there,</i>

181
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,375
<i>Go home, Ted,</i>

182
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,841
She likes me?

183
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,614
Go home, Ted.

184
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:54,024
You're right, I'll see you at home.

185
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,586
Good. He's going home.

186
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,289
He is so not going home.

187
00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:01,491
I cannot believe you just told him that.

188
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,899
- What do you mean?
- Lily, here's what you just said,

189
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:05,300
"Ted, whatever you do,

190
00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:08,805
"don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl
who wants to have sex with you."

191
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:12,173
And then she's gonna
make you some delicious juice!

192
00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:16,005
No. He's not going up there.
He has more sense than that.

193
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:19,047
<i>OLDER TED; I did</i>
<i>have more sense than that,</i>

194
00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:21,216
- Keep the change. Thanks.
- Thanks.

195
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,619
<i>But after 2.00 a.m.,</i>
<i>my good sense was sound asleep,</i>

196
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,103
So, you're doing this?
You're going up there?

197
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,763
You want to get out of the way?

198
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,568
I'm not in the way.

199
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,509
You know, if you had just called me, I...

200
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,748
(EXHALES)

201
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,576
- Hi!
- Hey.

202
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:56,351
I got some vegetables. I got carrots.
I got beets.

203
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:58,047
Or we could just drink wine.

204
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:01,558
Wine not. Wow, that's the stupidest thing
I ever said.

205
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,589
Thanks.

206
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,430
Make it a big glass.

207
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,723
Sure.

208
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,433
So, how's it hanging? "How's it hanging?"

209
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,531
Haven't you ever had one of those days

210
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,766
where nothing at all
that monumental happens,

211
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:20,005
but, by the end of it, you have no idea
who you are anymore,

212
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:22,580
or what the hell you're doing
with your life?

213
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,616
Do you ever have one of those days?

214
00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,082
About once a week.

215
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,314
I don't know. It was just a rough day,

216
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:33,188
and the only person I wanted to see
at the end of it was you.

217
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:39,358
So, how was the big phone call
with your girlfriend?

218
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,766
<i>OLDER TED; When the clock strikes two,</i>
<i>just go to sleep,</i>

219
00:11:43,936 --> 00:11:45,096
We broke up.

220
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:46,994
What?

221
00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:48,903
Yeah. Yeah. She finally called.

222
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,568
We talked for a while.
How hard long distance is,

223
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:53,975
and then she dumped me.

224
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,246
Ted, I'm so sorry.

225
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,283
That's just terrible.

226
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,943
I feel awful.

227
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,083
You're smiling.

228
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:04,781
Am I? No, I'm not.

229
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:07,390
Well, I'm a news anchor.

230
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:09,085
Smiling is a part of the job.

231
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,925
Thousands died
in a tragic avalanche today.

232
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,259
See?

233
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,734
You're smiling, too.

234
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,368
Yeah.

235
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:23,170
I have no idea what that's all about.

236
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:30,482
(SINGING)

237
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,608
How much does Korean Elvis rock?

238
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:35,186
I'll answer that. Infinity.

239
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:38,179
He rocks infinity.

240
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,525
Okay, it's time for bed.

241
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,753
What? No. It's 2:30.

242
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,524
And nothing good ever happens
after 2:00 a.m.

243
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:48,327
You know, I have found in my travels

244
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:52,700
that all the best things in life
happen after 2:00 a.m.

245
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:55,103
When I look back
at the best stories of my life,

246
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:59,234
the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape
I got in at the Russian embassy,

247
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,279
- the almost four-way.
- You never had a four-way.

248
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,678
- I said "almost"!
- Well, all right.

249
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,249
All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.

250
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:12,154
Because after 2:00 a.m. Is when things get,
audience, say it with me, legendary!

251
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:15,989
- We gotta go.
- What's that? "Interesting theory, Barney,

252
00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:18,461
"but I'll need some proof." Okay.

253
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:25,560
Korean Elvis. How would you like
to have a drink with me and my friends?

254
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:27,605
Rock 'n' roll.

255
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,336
And it begins.

256
00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:35,709
So, hey. I got a new phone.

257
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:37,581
Same as yours. Look.

258
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,344
Oh, yeah, do you like it?

259
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:41,943
Yeah. Yeah.

260
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,054
This is some solid small talk.

261
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,452
I had that other phone, and it was good,

262
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,552
but I think, the whole time,
a little part of me

263
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,391
wanted this phone instead.

264
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,230
This phone

265
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:56,660
feels right.

266
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:58,062
(PHONE RINGING)

267
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,804
Oh, wow. Weird.

268
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,173
Yeah, I should probably take this.

269
00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,674
I'll be here.

270
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:14,081
- Hello?
- Ted. This is your main man K.E.

271
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,746
I want you to shake your tail feather
down here ASAP. You dig?

272
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,086
Okay. Sorry about that.

273
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:20,749
Who... Was that Korean Elvis?

274
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,159
I'll explain later.
Hey, we're heading down to MacLaren's.

275
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,596
Actually, I'm at Robin's.

276
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,560
Yeah, and I might have done
something bad.

277
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:35,299
I just lied and told her I broke up
with Victoria.

278
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:39,041
Ted, I don't want to swear
in front of Korean Elvis,

279
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:41,738
but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

280
00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:44,042
What do you expect from me? It's Robin!

281
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,016
Victoria's great, but it's Robin!

282
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,016
I've made up my mind,
I'm gonna end it with Victoria.

283
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:52,420
- Gonna?
- Yes. First thing tomorrow.

284
00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,923
Okay, but as of right now,

285
00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:59,361
at 2:45 a.m. You still have a girlfriend.

286
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,232
Ted, I love you. I love Robin.

287
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,359
But if you do this right now,

288
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:07,701
your entire future with her
will be built on a crime!

289
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:11,171
<i>Just go home, Ted,</i>
<i>Don't do this the wrong way!</i>

290
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,469
I hate how you're always right.

291
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:16,104
It's my best and most annoying trait.

292
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:17,974
Okay.

293
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,518
I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.

294
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,191
- Hey.
- Hey.

295
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:37,463
I should probably get going.
It's pretty late.

296
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,604
- I'm sorry. I...
- Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.

297
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,209
- Can I call you tomorrow?
- Totally.

298
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,009
- Totally. Call me tomorrow.
- Okay.

299
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,140
- Good night, Robin.
- Good night, Ted.

300
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:26,012
Oh, my God! We're making out.

301
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:27,551
- Right!
- This is crazy.

302
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,280
Right! Right!

303
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:35,115
Should we go to my room?
I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...

304
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,353
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

305
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,622
Yeah.

306
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:45,359
I just, I have to run to the bathroom.
Real quick.

307
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,463
Okay.

308
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:00,986
(EXCLAIMS)

309
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,953
Stop doing that!

310
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:05,122
What are you doing?

311
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:06,691
I'm calling you.

312
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:08,793
We're breaking up.
I'm doing this right now.

313
00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:10,953
I'm coming out of this bathroom
a single man.

314
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:12,325
Okay.

315
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,559
Say, Ted, how long do you think
that conversation's gonna be?

316
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:17,862
Length of an average pee? No.

317
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,370
We're gonna be on the phone
for at least 20 minutes.

318
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:23,236
Robin's out there. She's gonna think
you're in here taking a massive...

319
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:26,903
What do you want from me?
People break up. It happens.

320
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,180
Not like this.

321
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:33,375
Not from the bathroom of the girl
that you're about to sleep with.

322
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,686
It's not ideal.

323
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,417
<i>OLDER TED; Meanwhile, back at the bar,</i>

324
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:42,051
<i>Barney was still trying to prove that</i>
<i>good things can happen after 2.00 a.m.</i>

325
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:43,958
Come on, Lily!

326
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,625
How many women can say they've been
personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

327
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,328
Barney, you tried. I think that's great.
But we're going.

328
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,166
- No. No, come on!
- Yes!

329
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:56,241
Dude. We haven't hit legendary yet.
We're only at the "le."

330
00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:59,276
We still got the "gen," the "da," the "ry."

331
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:01,175
Okay, if we're at the "le,"

332
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,215
then I say we follow it up
with a "t's go home."

333
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:08,343
Oh, wow! You just got burned.
Phonics style!

334
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:12,120
No, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.

335
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:15,220
- Just one dance, huh?
- Okay, seriously.

336
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:17,625
Hey, I know what you like.

337
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,967
<i>OLDER TED; And so, Barney was right,</i>

338
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:28,630
<i>The night was legendary,</i>

339
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:32,608
<i>It would come to be known as the time</i>
<i>Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards,</i>

340
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:37,273
Hey, you guys remember that time
that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?

341
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:39,284
You're right.

342
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,342
You're right.

343
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,420
I owe you a real breakup call.

344
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,322
I'll call you tomorrow.

345
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:46,687
Good. So, you're gonna go home?

346
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:50,086
Why should I have to go home?

347
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:53,528
You know, there's every chance
Robin's the woman I'm gonna marry.

348
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,395
- Ted.
- It could happen!

349
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:59,968
And so, really, what's it gonna matter
in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?

350
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:03,041
Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but

351
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:05,574
it's Robin.

352
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:07,033
And I'm exhausted.

353
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,910
I am. I'm exhausted from pretending
I'm not in love with her.

354
00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:11,380
I think that makes this okay.

355
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,008
Oh, please. You just want to get laid!

356
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,614
Yes, I do. You got me.

357
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,316
That is exactly what I want right now.
And so what?

358
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,016
I want this. She wants this.

359
00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:25,290
It's happening. And if you have a problem
with it, don't be in Germany!

360
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,422
It's been nice pretending to talk to you.

361
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,967
Thanks for not calling me and good night.

362
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:33,064
That's not your phone.

363
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:35,798
This isn't my phone.

364
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,311
Okay. Bye.

365
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,285
I thought it was mine, so I answered it.

366
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,515
- Was it...
- It was your girlfriend.

367
00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:55,883
You might want to call her back.

368
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:20,713
<i>OLDER TED; I called Victoria from the cab,</i>
<i>and we broke up,</i>

369
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,052
Yes, I'm...

370
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,447
<i>And there you have it, kids,</i>

371
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:28,025
<i>The stupidest thing I've ever done,</i>

372
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:32,421
<i>In one night, I managed to hurt</i>
<i>two people I cared about,</i>

373
00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:36,160
<i>And none of it would've happened</i>
<i>if I had just listened to my mom,</i>

374
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:49,945
<i>So, I guess if there's a lesson</i>
<i>to be learned here, it's this,</i>

375
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:52,617
<i>when it's after 2.00 a.m.,</i>

376
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,709
<i>just go to sleep,</i>