1 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,950 OLDER TED; When your Uncle Marshall was 10 years old, 2 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:20,383 he read a book called Life Among The Gorillas. 3 00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:25,550 It was written by an anthropologist named Dr., Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, 4 00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,353 and it told the story of the year she spent 5 00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:30,896 living among the western lowland gorillas of Cameroon, 6 00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,928 When Dr., Birnholz-Vazquez 7 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,593 came to the local community college to give a lecture, 8 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,795 Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, 9 00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,895 raised his hand with a question, 10 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:43,533 What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist? 11 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,440 So, you want to be an anthropologist? 12 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:49,037 Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas just like you did. 13 00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,743 OLDER TED; What she said next changed his life, 14 00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:54,911 Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. 15 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:57,248 They'll all be dead by then. 16 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,953 And if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, 17 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,928 the destruction of the rainforests will continue, 18 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,966 and over a million species will be wiped out. 19 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,726 So you don't want coffee? 20 00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:12,361 I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible... 21 00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:15,032 - All right, I'm pouring it out. - Okay, one cup. 22 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:18,133 Kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything. 23 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,474 Still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. 24 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,639 The Kid has become the man. 25 00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:25,414 Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. 26 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:28,043 After law school, I'm still gonna work for the NRDC. 27 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:29,849 They're gonna stop global warming. 28 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,356 OLDER TED; Well, I mean, they did their best, 29 00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:34,823 Here's your sack lunch. 30 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,088 (CHUCKLING) 31 00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,060 Okay. I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch, 32 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,156 and, two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack." 33 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,291 (CHUCKLES) 34 00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:45,064 - I love you, Marshmallow. - I love you. 35 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,332 TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow. 36 00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,369 Uh-oh. 37 00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:53,211 - Ted? - Oh, no! 38 00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:56,177 - No, she didn't. - Yeah. Yeah, she did. 39 00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,479 Another care package? 40 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,243 OLDER TED; Another care package, 41 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:04,221 I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month, 42 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:07,452 Long-distance relationships are a bad idea, 43 00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:10,819 - How many is that so far? - Three. 44 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:13,364 And how many have you sent her? 45 00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:16,126 In the mail or in my mind? Zero. 46 00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:17,835 She's up three-zip. 47 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,371 Oh! Cupcakes. Great. 48 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,002 I bet they're delicious, too. 49 00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:25,744 Yeah. They're delicious. 50 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,474 Damn it! 51 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:32,113 I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. 52 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,647 God, I hate myself right now. 53 00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,390 God, that is so me at 15. 54 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,654 OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel, 55 00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:47,562 Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff 56 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,157 on the surface of tennis balls, 57 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:52,466 I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things, 58 00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,274 But mostly, they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff, 59 00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:01,575 Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department 60 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,308 because he knew someone who worked there, 61 00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:04,747 (PHONE RINGING) 62 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,318 Go for Barney. 63 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,953 Mr., Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security, 64 00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:13,185 Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a Sasquatch loose in the building, 65 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:16,490 - A Sasquatch? - That's right, sir, A Bigfoot, 66 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:20,699 We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor, 67 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:25,801 (BARNEY LAUGHING) 68 00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:28,601 Yes! Look at you. 69 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,472 You're suited in an unmistakably upward direction. 70 00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:35,105 Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad of motivational posters. 71 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:39,208 Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all. "Teamwork, courage, awesomeness." 72 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:42,680 - There's one for awesomeness? - Yeah. I had it made. 73 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,984 - Sit. - Hey, so, now that I'm working here, 74 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:46,956 are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is? 75 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,721 (LAUGHING) Please. 76 00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,625 - My dawg! - My dawg! 77 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,255 Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. 78 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:54,526 You're gonna be working with them. 79 00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:55,862 Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you. 80 00:03:55,969 --> 00:04:00,065 - Nice tie. Steak sauce. - Oh, steak sauce. For true, though. 81 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:03,142 - Where? I don't see any... - Marshall, sidebar. 82 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:10,272 Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up. 83 00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:14,714 Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. 84 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,516 Ding-dong. What? The doorbell? 85 00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:20,059 Oh, hello, Jessica Alba, in a trench coat and nothing else. 86 00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:22,855 But wait. Knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door? 87 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,862 - I don't have a back door, so... - Oh, my gosh. 88 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:27,364 Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. 89 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:31,233 Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one. What do you do? Go. 90 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,103 Right, well, I'm engaged, so... 91 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:37,005 Fiancée's out of town. What do you do? Go! 92 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,267 We're still engaged, even if she's out... 93 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:42,837 Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go. 94 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,549 - Mmm. - Mmm. 95 00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:50,717 - Sure you don't want one? - How many of those have you eaten? 96 00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,552 Fourteen. 97 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:53,990 No. Just four. 98 00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:56,220 - And the icing from two more. - Mmm. 99 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,961 So, anyway. Here's the problem. 100 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,228 Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. 101 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:05,293 Anyway, I got the care package and it's just great. 102 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,539 Here, listen. 103 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,268 (MOANING IN SATISFACTION) 104 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,807 So, I'm standing there, 105 00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:15,574 my mouth full of this delicious, relationship-winning cupcake, 106 00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:18,740 and I said something dumb. 107 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,619 Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago. 108 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,982 And it's awesome. Really, really awesome. 109 00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:31,429 Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie. 110 00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:34,096 Oh, Teddy boy. 111 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,534 Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. 112 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:42,836 So, that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake. 113 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,135 All right, here's what you do. 114 00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:47,906 Put together a care package of stuff from New York. 115 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,074 Some H&H Bagels, an Empire State Building key chain, 116 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,483 and then, top off the package with a New York Times, ready? 117 00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:56,316 From three days ago. 118 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,523 - That's brilliant. - Mmm. 119 00:05:58,624 --> 00:05:59,716 You're brilliant. 120 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,285 You know, it's funny, not so long ago, 121 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,694 I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you. 122 00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:07,322 That is funny. 123 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,866 OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny, 124 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,368 Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, 125 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,133 here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me, 126 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:16,366 Okay, fine! I have feelings for him. 127 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,779 Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like. 128 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,814 The irony is clear, Ted. 129 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:30,246 - Hey! How was your first day? - I don't want to talk about it. 130 00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:35,416 The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks. 131 00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:37,086 - What? - They're jerks. 132 00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:41,428 - Well, what makes them jerks? - Forget it. I don't want to talk about it. 133 00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:43,195 Well, like today at lunch. 134 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,329 What you got there, Eriksen? Mommy pack your lunch? 135 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,464 (LAUGHING) 136 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,439 For your information, my fiancée did. 137 00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,376 Oh! Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too? 138 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:54,503 (BILSON LAUGHING) 139 00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:55,774 No. 140 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,852 - What's that? - Nothing. Give it! 141 00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:09,621 "Dear Marshmallow, good luck today. I love you! Lilypad." 142 00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:10,889 Give it! 143 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:15,661 "P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!" 144 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,760 Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me! Give it! 145 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,708 - Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable. - I know. 146 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,676 God! It's like freshman year, all over again. 147 00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:29,407 Only, this time, my sweet dance moves aren't gonna be enough to win them over. 148 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,346 Not even Old Reliable. 149 00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:39,884 Sweetie, it would be cool to have some extra money, 150 00:07:39,992 --> 00:07:42,688 but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it. 151 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,957 - I quit. - What? No. You... 152 00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:49,432 We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great. 153 00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:52,971 We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... 154 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:56,007 - Seriously, what is it that you do? - Please. 155 00:07:57,210 --> 00:08:00,839 I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing, it's just... It's not for me. 156 00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,074 No, of course it's not for you. 157 00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:05,383 It's for Lily. 158 00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:09,285 - What? - Marshall, Lily's a catch. 159 00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:12,016 But do you really think you're gonna hang on to a girl that great 160 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:14,115 - without the package? - The package? 161 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:17,594 The package. The house, the car, sending your kids to a great school. 162 00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,155 - A vacation once in a while. - Lily doesn't care about that stuff. 163 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,326 Well, no. Now she doesn't. 164 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,097 But how's she gonna feel in a couple of years 165 00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:27,968 when she's supporting you on a kindergarten-teacher's salary, 166 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,598 while you're off in court, 167 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:34,442 defending some endangered South American flying beaver. 168 00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,142 I know. 169 00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,643 - She'll be happy. - Okay. 170 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,416 But will you be happy, 171 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,515 knowing you could have made her a lot happier? 172 00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:52,095 And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. 173 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,927 What do you do? Go. 174 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,904 I guess, uh, Bea Arthur. 175 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,062 (IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING) 176 00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,867 Wrong. Betty White. 177 00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:05,604 Clean this stuff up, Eriksen. 178 00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:11,313 So, did she get the awesome care package, yet? 179 00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:12,714 Yep. Yesterday. 180 00:09:12,818 --> 00:09:15,753 - Did she love it? - Oh, she loved it. 181 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,755 So, what's the problem? 182 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:20,417 So, I was talking to her last night, and I should tell you, 183 00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:22,118 we've been talking on the phone every other night, 184 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,629 for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say. 185 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:30,267 What did you have for lunch today? 186 00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:31,560 Mmm-hmm. 187 00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:33,161 Oh, rye bread. 188 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,101 Oh. 189 00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,033 (SIGHING) 190 00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,304 Mmm-hmm. 191 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:41,838 Yeah. 192 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:43,708 Mmm. 193 00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:50,279 Oh, Teddy boy. 194 00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:52,320 I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, 195 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,723 but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. 196 00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,988 Maybe it just can't be done. 197 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,621 I think it's clear what I have to do. 198 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,359 It's pretty clear. 199 00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:04,898 I have to go to Germany and surprise her. 200 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:09,100 Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man. 201 00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,980 Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone? 202 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,782 Marshall, consider the penguins. 203 00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:22,813 - The penguins? - On the wall. 204 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,187 "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." 205 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,095 This is a motivational poster? 206 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,191 Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. 207 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,271 And you know why? Because you're different. 208 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,704 Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself 209 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,401 for the unique little snowflake that you are. 210 00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:47,001 Or you could change your entire personality, 211 00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:49,513 which is just so much easier. 212 00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:54,949 Change your personality? That is so awful. And not at all motivational. 213 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,852 Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled. 214 00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:59,185 But then I realized 215 00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:03,091 it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez in Life Among The Gorillas, 216 00:11:03,195 --> 00:11:05,425 No, I have to gain the acceptance of the herd 217 00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:07,726 by behaving exactly like one of them. 218 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,666 It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool? 219 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,863 Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure. 220 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,998 No, no, no. It's totally anthropological. 221 00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:18,338 And it's cool. And I'm doing it. 222 00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:22,881 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year. 223 00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:26,577 I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure. 224 00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,013 All right. 225 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,056 But if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say? 226 00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,689 - Only when I'm drunk. - Good boy. 227 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,189 OLDER TED; And so, to fit in with the gorillas, 228 00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:39,696 Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, 229 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,960 And that meant gorilla lessons, 230 00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:46,004 Okay. I'm psyched about this. But if I'm gonna mentor you, 231 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:47,834 I need to know you're psyched about this, too. 232 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,965 Oh, I am. I'm psyched. 233 00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:54,603 Yeah, but it's one thing to say it. It's another thing to show it. 234 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,109 Show it. 235 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:02,085 I'm psyched. 236 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,689 What was that? 237 00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,754 Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychetude 238 00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:13,297 rock my body like a seizure. 239 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:18,598 That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly 240 00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,763 on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 241 00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:25,609 - Wow, that was really specific. - Show me you're psyched! 242 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,071 Let's do this! 243 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:33,183 - That hurt! - So badly! 244 00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:37,422 And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake, 245 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,286 - and he'll get it done. - Right. 246 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:40,818 Get what done? 247 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,724 - Whatever. - Cool. And what guy is this? 248 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,796 - There's always a guy. - Okay. All right. I, uh... 249 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,197 - I think I'm ready. - You sure? 250 00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:53,294 You want to practice your story one more time? 251 00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:54,937 All right. 252 00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:01,908 So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my brosephs from Kappa, 253 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:05,882 and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!" 254 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:08,249 So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!" 255 00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,822 So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport. 256 00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,915 And that is when the bouncer kicked us out. 257 00:13:14,026 --> 00:13:17,325 Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, 258 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,954 but, dudes, fake diamond ring? 259 00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:22,266 Worth every penny, bro. 260 00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:28,571 Eriksen, that was steak sauce! 261 00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:31,910 - Awesome, bro. - Yeah. Yeah. 262 00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:34,138 - Get out! - Great story. 263 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,991 OLDER TED; The next morning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany, 264 00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,859 when I got an e-mail, 265 00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:54,123 Uh-oh. 266 00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,565 "Hey, Ted. Sorry I missed your call last night. 267 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,830 "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? 268 00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:02,032 "Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. 269 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,609 "I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." 270 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,769 - So? - So, she's gonna dump me. 271 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,609 Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," 272 00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:11,182 and then followed it up with something good? 273 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,811 It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie." 274 00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,648 What else could it be? 275 00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,884 What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail? 276 00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:22,961 I cut off all my fingers. 277 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:28,465 Ted, you're a great guy. I know it. You know it. She knows it. 278 00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:32,195 I would bet you a gazillion dollars. No, I'm even more confident. 279 00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:36,434 I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you. 280 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,238 Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. 281 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,972 So I should still buy that plane ticket, right? 282 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,342 I'd wait. 283 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,316 MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here. 284 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,618 We still on for karaoke? 285 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,013 Dope! 286 00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:55,191 I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard your ears are gonna bleed gravy. 287 00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:57,785 Catch you on the flip, butt puppet. 288 00:14:58,631 --> 00:14:59,723 Okay. 289 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,232 - What do you think? - Steak sauce. 290 00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:08,505 - Steak sauce? - Yeah. 291 00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:10,742 Yeah, look, you know, 292 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,937 whatever anthropology you do at work is your business. 293 00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:16,947 But, please, don't act like that around here. 294 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,682 Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz... 295 00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:24,586 No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, 296 00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,454 she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair 297 00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,424 and throwing feces. 298 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,660 I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office. 299 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,755 Why? 300 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,698 Because you're acting like one of those guys, 301 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,770 and those guys are lame. 302 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:43,373 Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes. But they're actually good guys, 303 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:46,342 and if you got to know them, then you would see that. 304 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,379 Look, come karaoke with us tonight, 305 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,449 and you'll see how totally not that lame they are. 306 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,711 - Okay? - Okay. 307 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,986 But, wait. Knock, knock, back door. 308 00:15:57,089 --> 00:16:02,527 Who's there? Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair. 309 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,323 What do you do? Go. 310 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:08,427 Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms any day of the week! 311 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:09,929 (LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER) 312 00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,469 You're right. They're delightful. 313 00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:14,930 So, Barney, you gonna sing anything? 314 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,064 (EXCLAIMS) 315 00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,642 I'm so over karaoke. 316 00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:20,007 Really? I thought you'd be totally into it. 317 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:23,445 Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. 318 00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:28,452 But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard. 319 00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:32,814 Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart, 320 00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,216 What? 321 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,954 Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Elton John. Kiki Dee. 322 00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,051 No way. 323 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,994 - You gotta go with some Black Sabbath. - Oh. 324 00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,624 Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine we do... 325 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,295 Iron Man, I could do Iron Man, 326 00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:47,736 - Steak sauce. - Steak sauce, dude. 327 00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,899 Should we tell him? 328 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,308 All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. 329 00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:57,246 On Monday, Bilson and I are gonna talk to Montague in HR. 330 00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:01,046 When you graduate, we want you working with us. 331 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,045 What do you say? 332 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,657 - Yes! - My man! 333 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,595 - I told you he would. - BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot. 334 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,462 - We're gonna own the office. - Steak sauce. 335 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,669 Okay, that was gross. 336 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:25,073 When were you gonna tell me you changed your entire career path? 337 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:28,908 Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. 338 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:32,347 I just thought that maybe I can make some money for a few years. 339 00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:36,148 We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. 340 00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,485 You could quit your job and focus on your painting, 341 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,615 I know that you say you don't need it, 342 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,957 but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. 343 00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:46,524 I want to give you the package. 344 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,099 The package? 345 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,603 You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. 346 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,331 I love your package. 347 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,568 Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know 348 00:17:57,676 --> 00:17:59,906 and you deserve a big package. 349 00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:03,242 Your package has always been big enough. 350 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:07,245 You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, 351 00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:09,547 but you've got a huge package. 352 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,855 (MUSIC PLAYING) 353 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,790 Yeah. 354 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,854 (CELLPHONE RINGING) 355 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:24,066 - Hello? - Why hasn't she called yet? 356 00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,693 Okay, you're making yourself crazy. 357 00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:27,863 It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. 358 00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:31,272 No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend. For now. 359 00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,544 Besides, if I go out, who's gonna watch the news? 360 00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:34,737 I'm like half your viewership. 361 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,714 Oh, I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. 362 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:40,647 She's not gonna break up with you, Ted. You're awesome. 363 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,415 Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. 364 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:45,717 Break a leg. 365 00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:49,055 OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home, waiting for the phone to ring, 366 00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:51,152 something occurred to me, 367 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:55,163 I'm actually sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring. 368 00:18:57,903 --> 00:19:00,235 (MAN SINGING) 369 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,545 - Marshall. - Hey. 370 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,120 Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. 371 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,312 Yeah. 372 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,150 Yeah. How're you doing? 373 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,419 I think Victoria's about to break up with me. 374 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:24,553 Oh, God. I'm sorry, man. 375 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,028 Yeah, well, 376 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:30,700 honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. 377 00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:33,066 The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. 378 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,802 Like, I remember how she makes me feel, I just don't completely remember her. 379 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:41,407 It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. 380 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,378 Preserving something that's already gone. 381 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,712 Sounds like environmental law. 382 00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:47,917 I don't know. 383 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,682 I mean, we struggle so hard to hold on to these things 384 00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:53,053 that we know are gonna disappear eventually. 385 00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,092 And that's really noble. 386 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,527 But even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, 387 00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,895 well, then, where are you gonna park your car? 388 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,320 (MUSIC STOPS) 389 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,291 Rockupied, Dude, what... 390 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,228 Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad, 391 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:39,026 (MUSIC PLAYING) 392 00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,681 (SINGING) 393 00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,895 OLDER TED; It turns out some things are worth preserving, 394 00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:09,593 But here's the real question, It's 2.00 a.m. 395 00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,034 Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early, 396 00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:16,039 because you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany 397 00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:18,609 who was supposed to call four hours ago, 398 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,803 And then the phone rings, 399 00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:22,402 (CELLPHONE RINGING) 400 00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:25,441 Hello? 401 00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:27,575 Hi, Ted, it's Robin. 402 00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:33,156 Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? 403 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:36,691 OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,