1
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,950
OLDER TED; When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,
2
00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:20,383
he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
3
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:25,550
It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr., Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
4
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,353
and it told the story of the year she spent
5
00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:30,896
living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon,
6
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,928
When Dr., Birnholz-Vazquez
7
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,593
came to the local community college
to give a lecture,
8
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,795
Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
9
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,895
raised his hand with a question,
10
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:43,533
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
11
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,440
So, you want to be an anthropologist?
12
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:49,037
Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.
13
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,743
OLDER TED; What she said next
changed his life,
14
00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:54,911
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
15
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:57,248
They'll all be dead by then.
16
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,953
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,
17
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,928
the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,
18
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,966
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
19
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,726
So you don't want coffee?
20
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:12,361
I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
21
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:15,032
- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.
22
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:18,133
Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.
23
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,474
Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.
24
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,639
The Kid has become the man.
25
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:25,414
Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.
26
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:28,043
After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.
27
00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:29,849
They're gonna stop global warming.
28
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,356
OLDER TED; Well, I mean,
they did their best,
29
00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:34,823
Here's your sack lunch.
30
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,088
(CHUCKLING)
31
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,060
Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,
32
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,156
and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word "sack."
33
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,291
(CHUCKLES)
34
00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:45,064
- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.
35
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,332
TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.
36
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,369
Uh-oh.
37
00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:53,211
- Ted?
- Oh, no!
38
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:56,177
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.
39
00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,479
Another care package?
40
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,243
OLDER TED; Another care package,
41
00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:04,221
I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month,
42
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:07,452
Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,
43
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:10,819
- How many is that so far?
- Three.
44
00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:13,364
And how many have you sent her?
45
00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:16,126
In the mail or in my mind? Zero.
46
00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:17,835
She's up three-zip.
47
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,371
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
48
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,002
I bet they're delicious, too.
49
00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:25,744
Yeah. They're delicious.
50
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,474
Damn it!
51
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:32,113
I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.
52
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,647
God, I hate myself right now.
53
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,390
God, that is so me at 15.
54
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,654
OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel,
55
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:47,562
Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff
56
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,157
on the surface of tennis balls,
57
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:52,466
I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things,
58
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,274
But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,
59
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:01,575
Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department
60
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,308
because he knew someone
who worked there,
61
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:04,747
(PHONE RINGING)
62
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,318
Go for Barney.
63
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,953
Mr., Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security,
64
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:13,185
Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building,
65
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:16,490
- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,
66
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:20,699
We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor,
67
00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:25,801
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
68
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:28,601
Yes! Look at you.
69
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,472
You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.
70
00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:35,105
Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad
of motivational posters.
71
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:39,208
Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."
72
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:42,680
- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.
73
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,984
- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,
74
00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:46,956
are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
75
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,721
(LAUGHING) Please.
76
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,625
- My dawg!
- My dawg!
77
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,255
Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
78
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:54,526
You're gonna be working with them.
79
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:55,862
Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
80
00:03:55,969 --> 00:04:00,065
- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.
81
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:03,142
- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.
82
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:10,272
Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
83
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:14,714
Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.
84
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,516
Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?
85
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:20,059
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.
86
00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:22,855
But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?
87
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,862
- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.
88
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:27,364
Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
89
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:31,233
Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
90
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,103
Right, well, I'm engaged, so...
91
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:37,005
Fiancée's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
92
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,267
We're still engaged, even if she's out...
93
00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:42,837
Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
94
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,549
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
95
00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:50,717
- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?
96
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,552
Fourteen.
97
00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:53,990
No. Just four.
98
00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:56,220
- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.
99
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,961
So, anyway. Here's the problem.
100
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,228
Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.
101
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:05,293
Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.
102
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,539
Here, listen.
103
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,268
(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)
104
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,807
So, I'm standing there,
105
00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:15,574
my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
106
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:18,740
and I said something dumb.
107
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,619
Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
108
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,982
And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
109
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:31,429
Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.
110
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:34,096
Oh, Teddy boy.
111
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,534
Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.
112
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:42,836
So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
113
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,135
All right, here's what you do.
114
00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:47,906
Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.
115
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,074
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,
116
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,483
and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
117
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:56,316
From three days ago.
118
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,523
- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.
119
00:05:58,624 --> 00:05:59,716
You're brilliant.
120
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,285
You know, it's funny, not so long ago,
121
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,694
I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.
122
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:07,322
That is funny.
123
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,866
OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny,
124
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,368
Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,
125
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,133
here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me,
126
00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:16,366
Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.
127
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,779
Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.
128
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,814
The irony is clear, Ted.
129
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:30,246
- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to talk about it.
130
00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:35,416
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
131
00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:37,086
- What?
- They're jerks.
132
00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:41,428
- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.
133
00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:43,195
Well, like today at lunch.
134
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,329
What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?
135
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,464
(LAUGHING)
136
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,439
For your information, my fiancée did.
137
00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,376
Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
138
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:54,503
(BILSON LAUGHING)
139
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:55,774
No.
140
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,852
- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!
141
00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:09,621
"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."
142
00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:10,889
Give it!
143
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:15,661
"P.S. If you've unfolded this note,
your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"
144
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,760
Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!
145
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,708
- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.
146
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,676
God! It's like freshman year, all over again.
147
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:29,407
Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.
148
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,346
Not even Old Reliable.
149
00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:39,884
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
150
00:07:39,992 --> 00:07:42,688
but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
151
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,957
- I quit.
- What? No. You...
152
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:49,432
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.
153
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:52,971
We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...
154
00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:56,007
- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.
155
00:07:57,210 --> 00:08:00,839
I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
156
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,074
No, of course it's not for you.
157
00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:05,383
It's for Lily.
158
00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:09,285
- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.
159
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:12,016
But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great
160
00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:14,115
- without the package?
- The package?
161
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:17,594
The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.
162
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,155
- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
163
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,326
Well, no. Now she doesn't.
164
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,097
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years
165
00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:27,968
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,
166
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,598
while you're off in court,
167
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:34,442
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
168
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,142
I know.
169
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,643
- She'll be happy.
- Okay.
170
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,416
But will you be happy,
171
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,515
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
172
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:52,095
And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
173
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,927
What do you do? Go.
174
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,904
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
175
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,062
(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)
176
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,867
Wrong. Betty White.
177
00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:05,604
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
178
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:11,313
So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?
179
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:12,714
Yep. Yesterday.
180
00:09:12,818 --> 00:09:15,753
- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.
181
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,755
So, what's the problem?
182
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:20,417
So, I was talking to her last night,
and I should tell you,
183
00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:22,118
we've been talking on the phone
every other night,
184
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,629
for, like, an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.
185
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:30,267
What did you have for lunch today?
186
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:31,560
Mmm-hmm.
187
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:33,161
Oh, rye bread.
188
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,101
Oh.
189
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,033
(SIGHING)
190
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,304
Mmm-hmm.
191
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:41,838
Yeah.
192
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:43,708
Mmm.
193
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:50,279
Oh, Teddy boy.
194
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:52,320
I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,
195
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,723
but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.
196
00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,988
Maybe it just can't be done.
197
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,621
I think it's clear what I have to do.
198
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,359
It's pretty clear.
199
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:04,898
I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
200
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:09,100
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
201
00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,980
Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
202
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,782
Marshall, consider the penguins.
203
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:22,813
- The penguins?
- On the wall.
204
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,187
"Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold."
205
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,095
This is a motivational poster?
206
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,191
Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.
207
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,271
And you know why?
Because you're different.
208
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,704
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself
209
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,401
for the unique little snowflake
that you are.
210
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:47,001
Or you could change
your entire personality,
211
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:49,513
which is just so much easier.
212
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:54,949
Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.
213
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,852
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.
214
00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:59,185
But then I realized
215
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:03,091
it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas,
216
00:11:03,195 --> 00:11:05,425
No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd
217
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:07,726
by behaving exactly like one of them.
218
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,666
It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
219
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,863
Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.
220
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,998
No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.
221
00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:18,338
And it's cool. And I'm doing it.
222
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:22,881
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.
223
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:26,577
I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.
224
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,013
All right.
225
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,056
But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
226
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,689
- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.
227
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,189
OLDER TED; And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
228
00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:39,696
Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,
229
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,960
And that meant gorilla lessons,
230
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:46,004
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
231
00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:47,834
I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.
232
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,965
Oh, I am. I'm psyched.
233
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:54,603
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.
234
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,109
Show it.
235
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:02,085
I'm psyched.
236
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,689
What was that?
237
00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,754
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude
238
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:13,297
rock my body like a seizure.
239
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:18,598
That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly
240
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,763
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
241
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:25,609
- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!
242
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,071
Let's do this!
243
00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:33,183
- That hurt!
- So badly!
244
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:37,422
And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
245
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,286
- and he'll get it done.
- Right.
246
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:40,818
Get what done?
247
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,724
- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?
248
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,796
- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...
249
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,197
- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?
250
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:53,294
You want to practice your story
one more time?
251
00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:54,937
All right.
252
00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:01,908
So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,
253
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:05,882
and they're all,
"Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!"
254
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:08,249
So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!"
255
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,822
So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.
256
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,915
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
257
00:13:14,026 --> 00:13:17,325
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,
258
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,954
but, dudes, fake diamond ring?
259
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:22,266
Worth every penny, bro.
260
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:28,571
Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
261
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:31,910
- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.
262
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:34,138
- Get out!
- Great story.
263
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,991
OLDER TED; The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,
264
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,859
when I got an e-mail,
265
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:54,123
Uh-oh.
266
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,565
"Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.
267
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,830
"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
268
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:02,032
"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to talk to you tonight.
269
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,609
"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."
270
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,769
- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.
271
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,609
Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"
272
00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:11,182
and then followed it up
with something good?
273
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,811
It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."
274
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,648
What else could it be?
275
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,884
What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
276
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:22,961
I cut off all my fingers.
277
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:28,465
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
278
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:32,195
I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.
279
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:36,434
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.
280
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,238
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.
281
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,972
So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?
282
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,342
I'd wait.
283
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,316
MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.
284
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,618
We still on for karaoke?
285
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,013
Dope!
286
00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:55,191
I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.
287
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:57,785
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
288
00:14:58,631 --> 00:14:59,723
Okay.
289
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,232
- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.
290
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:08,505
- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.
291
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:10,742
Yeah, look, you know,
292
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,937
whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.
293
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:16,947
But, please,
don't act like that around here.
294
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,682
Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
295
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:24,586
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,
296
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,454
she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair
297
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,424
and throwing feces.
298
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,660
I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.
299
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,755
Why?
300
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,698
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
301
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,770
and those guys are lame.
302
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:43,373
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,
303
00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:46,342
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
304
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,379
Look, come karaoke with us tonight,
305
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,449
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
306
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,711
- Okay?
- Okay.
307
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,986
But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.
308
00:15:57,089 --> 00:16:02,527
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.
309
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,323
What do you do? Go.
310
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:08,427
Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!
311
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:09,929
(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)
312
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,469
You're right. They're delightful.
313
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:14,930
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
314
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,064
(EXCLAIMS)
315
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,642
I'm so over karaoke.
316
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:20,007
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
317
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:23,445
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.
318
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:28,452
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
319
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:32,814
Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
320
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,216
What?
321
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,954
Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
322
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,051
No way.
323
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,994
- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.
324
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,624
Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...
325
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,295
Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,
326
00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:47,736
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.
327
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,899
Should we tell him?
328
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,308
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
329
00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:57,246
On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna talk to Montague in HR.
330
00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:01,046
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
331
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,045
What do you say?
332
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,657
- Yes!
- My man!
333
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,595
- I told you he would.
- BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.
334
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,462
- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.
335
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,669
Okay, that was gross.
336
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:25,073
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?
337
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:28,908
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.
338
00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:32,347
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.
339
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:36,148
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
340
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,485
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,
341
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,615
I know that you say you don't need it,
342
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,957
but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.
343
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:46,524
I want to give you the package.
344
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,099
The package?
345
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,603
You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.
346
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,331
I love your package.
347
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,568
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know
348
00:17:57,676 --> 00:17:59,906
and you deserve a big package.
349
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:03,242
Your package has always been big enough.
350
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:07,245
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,
351
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:09,547
but you've got a huge package.
352
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,855
(MUSIC PLAYING)
353
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,790
Yeah.
354
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,854
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
355
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:24,066
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
356
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,693
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
357
00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:27,863
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
358
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:31,272
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
359
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,544
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
360
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:34,737
I'm like half your viewership.
361
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,714
Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
362
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:40,647
She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
363
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,415
Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
364
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:45,717
Break a leg.
365
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:49,055
OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
366
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:51,152
something occurred to me,
367
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:55,163
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.
368
00:18:57,903 --> 00:19:00,235
(MAN SINGING)
369
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,545
- Marshall.
- Hey.
370
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,120
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.
371
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,312
Yeah.
372
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,150
Yeah. How're you doing?
373
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,419
I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.
374
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:24,553
Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.
375
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,028
Yeah, well,
376
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:30,700
honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.
377
00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:33,066
The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.
378
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,802
Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.
379
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:41,407
It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.
380
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,378
Preserving something that's already gone.
381
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,712
Sounds like environmental law.
382
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:47,917
I don't know.
383
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,682
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things
384
00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:53,053
that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.
385
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,092
And that's really noble.
386
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,527
But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,
387
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,895
well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?
388
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,320
(MUSIC STOPS)
389
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,291
Rockupied, Dude, what...
390
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,228
Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,
391
00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:39,026
(MUSIC PLAYING)
392
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,681
(SINGING)
393
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,895
OLDER TED; It turns out
some things are worth preserving,
394
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:09,593
But here's the real question, It's 2.00 a.m.
395
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,034
Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
396
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:16,039
because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany
397
00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:18,609
who was supposed to call four hours ago,
398
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,803
And then the phone rings,
399
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:22,402
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
400
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:25,441
Hello?
401
00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:27,575
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
402
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:33,156
Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
403
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:36,691
OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,