1
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:08,173
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, something you</i>
<i>might not know about your Uncle Marshall</i>

2
00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:10,401
<i>is that he's always been good at games,</i>

3
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,841
<i>I mean unbeatable,</i>

4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,003
Gin!

5
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,309
Yahtzee!

6
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,643
Poker!

7
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,647
You don't have to shout out "poker"
when you win.

8
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,620
I know. It's just fun to say.

9
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,282
<i>OLDER TED; We all finally agreed,</i>

10
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,155
<i>Marshall should be</i>
<i>running our game nights,</i>

11
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,522
<i>instead of playing in them,</i>

12
00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,620
<i>Which he took to mean,</i>
<i>"Invent your own game,"</i>

13
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:34,391
It's called "Marshgammon."

14
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,496
It combines all the best features
of all the best games,

15
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,799
Candyland, I Never, Pictionary.

16
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,498
- Backgammon, obviously.
- No.

17
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,132
Backgammon sucks.

18
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,643
I took the only good part of
"backgammon," the "gammon,"

19
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:49,237
and I left the rest of it in the trash
where it belongs.

20
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,982
I'm so excited Victoria's coming.

21
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:53,916
I'm gonna go get another round.

22
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,614
Okay. I wanna lay down
some ground rules for tonight, Barney.

23
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,419
I actually like Victoria a lot.

24
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:02,757
So, don't say anything...
Don't say anything.

25
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,431
And, guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria

26
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,501
that I used to have
a kind of thing for Robin,

27
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:12,867
- so if we could just avoid the...
- Well, well, well, how rich.

28
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,638
You make me promise to be on
my best behavior around your girlfriend,

29
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,644
yet you have been lying to her
since day one.

30
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,343
Excuse me.

31
00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,274
Hi, Leg Warehouse?

32
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,874
Yeah, my friend Ted
needs something to stand on.

33
00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:29,421
So, nothing for him to stand on?
Okay, thanks so much.

34
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:34,850
Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know
that you once had the hots for Robin?

35
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:39,055
I have half a mind
to tell the story of the re-return.

36
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:42,257
(WHISPERING) No,
I swore you to secrecy on that.

37
00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:46,099
I am smelling dirt.
What is the story of the re-return?

38
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,867
Nothing. It's nothing.

39
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,532
And, speaking of digging up dirt,

40
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,906
can I count on you two
to behave around Victoria?

41
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:54,070
Us? What would we do?

42
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,883
Look, you guys have always been
like the parents that I still have,

43
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:00,009
and, in fact, moved here to get away from.

44
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,180
However, could we skip
the traditional interrogation

45
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,519
of the new girlfriend tonight?

46
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:06,819
- Fine.
- Fine.

47
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:07,984
Thank you.

48
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,619
- I should go help Robin.
- Okay.

49
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,064
- Hey.
- Hey.

50
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,701
So, you gonna be okay
hanging out with Victoria tonight?

51
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,635
Oh, sure. She's great.

52
00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:22,966
Oh, what? Because of the whole thing
where I said I liked Ted?

53
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,703
No. Victoria is great.

54
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,712
She's fun, she's free-spirited. She's great.

55
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,216
I said "She's great" too many times,
didn't I?

56
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,580
You must really hate the bitch.

57
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:37,579
But if you roll an even number
while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,

58
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:40,818
then you "Marshall Out,"
and all your chips go into the pot.

59
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:44,761
And remember,
if you ever ask the question, "What,"

60
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:47,059
then you gotta drink.

61
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:48,701
Got it?

62
00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:51,099
- No idea what you're talking about.
- No idea what you're talking about.

63
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:52,228
Okay, okay. All right, no, no.

64
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,670
We'll just start. You guys will pick it up.
Newbie goes first.

65
00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:56,139
- MARSHALL: Roll.
- Okay.

66
00:02:57,277 --> 00:03:00,542
Three! You got "Autobiography."

67
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:04,208
Now, that's where you have to answer
a personal question about your dating life,

68
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,114
truthfully, in order to move on.

69
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:09,882
- Marshall, come on.
- Hey. She's the one who rolled a three.

70
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:12,955
Victoria.

71
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:16,392
"Have you ever cheated
while in a relationship?"

72
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:18,225
Wow, good question.

73
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,799
- You don't have to answer that.
- It's okay.

74
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:25,398
Well, I was in a really crappy relationship
in college,

75
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:29,168
and I wound up kissing this guy
at a party one night

76
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:33,075
and I felt terrible about it,
so I came clean and we broke up.

77
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,412
Victoria, that was an honest
and mature answer.

78
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,952
You may advance
to the Gumdrop Mountains.

79
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:46,017
So, Victoria,
did you ever re-return to this guy?

80
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,719
- What?
- You said what. You gotta drink.

81
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:54,499
Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party
in that new building on 82nd,

82
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,193
and the host said she knew you.

83
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:59,362
- What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?
- Shannon?

84
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:02,000
Shannon, Shannon.

85
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,806
No. Don't remember any Shannon.

86
00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:07,672
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me
a videotape to give you.

87
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,407
Where's the tape?

88
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,383
I'll get it.

89
00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:15,784
Cool. Okay. You know, whenever.

90
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:18,355
Okay, Robin. Your roll.

91
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:23,958
Five! Another "Autobiography."

92
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:28,395
For the player to your left which...
Victoria!

93
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:29,991
Of course.

94
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:31,631
Victoria.

95
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,439
"How many boyfriends did you have
before you started dating Ted?"

96
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:38,339
Wait, the card actually says Ted?

97
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,278
Okay. Well, boyfriends,
I guess I've only had two.

98
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:43,781
Prude-alert.

99
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:49,188
Well, that... That's serious boyfriends.
I've dated other guys in between.

100
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,120
Oh, slut-alert!

101
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:58,128
Oh, great, there it is.
Thanks, Lily, you're a peach.

102
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,267
(BARNEY YELLING)

103
00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,095
(SLAPPING)

104
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,370
Well, wow, look at that.

105
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,341
Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp.
That's five chips for me.

106
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:14,777
Thank you. Finally,
somebody understands Marshgammon.

107
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,641
Barney, what was on that tape?

108
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,451
- Too bad you'll never find out.
- Damn it!

109
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:24,887
If only I'd given you a fake tape
and hidden the real tape in my purse.

110
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,323
Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.

111
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:28,894
- What?
- Drink.

112
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:34,633
Yeah, you were acting so weird about it
I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.

113
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,868
- So, should we pop it in?
- Give it to me.

114
00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:38,937
- Hey, hey!
- Ted!

115
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,005
- Play it. Play it!
- Fine, fine.

116
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,270
I cannot believe...

117
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,146
<i>Shannon! I love you,</i>

118
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:51,844
<i>I love you so much,</i>

119
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,818
<i>What about us</i>
<i>changing the world together?</i>

120
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,793
<i>Don't tell me you've forgotten,</i>
<i>I know I haven't,</i>

121
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:06,457
(SINGING)

122
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:39,993
- Did you try his cell phone?
- Yeah, I left two messages.

123
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:43,967
I checked the cigar club,
the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.

124
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,498
Hey, guys. What up?

125
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,769
- Barney, where have you been?
- Yeah, we're really sorry about that.

126
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,400
Yeah, so sorry.

127
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,878
But seriously, what was up with the tape?

128
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,573
- No. Stay.
- Come on. Come on.

129
00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:58,877
- Stay. Come on.
- I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it.

130
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,215
It was the most embarrassing
and humiliating thing

131
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,480
that ever happened to me.

132
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:06,183
Well, we all have embarrassing stories.
Sometimes it's good to talk about it.

133
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:07,486
Oh, really?

134
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,653
Then why don't you tell us
your most humiliating moment, Marshall?

135
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,628
Show me how good it is.

136
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,258
All right.

137
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,870
<i>MARSHALL; I was stopping by Lily's</i>
<i>kindergarten class to say hi,</i>

138
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,872
<i>but they were all at recess,</i>

139
00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:25,501
<i>I really had to pee,</i>
<i>so I went into the class's restroom,</i>

140
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:29,103
<i>It was a smaller target than I'm used to,</i>

141
00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:31,513
<i>so I figured I should sit down,</i>

142
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:36,719
<i>What I didn't realize was</i>
<i>it was a shared bathroom,</i>

143
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,187
(BOTH SCREAMING)

144
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,088
<i>I wish I'd pulled up my pants,</i>

145
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:46,630
(CHILDREN LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

146
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:51,469
The kids still call him Funny Butt.

147
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,468
Okay. I'll tell you my story.

148
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:01,346
Believe it or not, I was not always
as awesome as I am today.

149
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,284
<i>BARNEY; It was 1998,</i>
<i>I was just out of college,</i>

150
00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:07,944
<i>and I was working at a coffeehouse</i>
<i>with my girlfriend,</i>

151
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,113
<i>My girlfriend, Shannon,</i>

152
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,124
<i>Thank you,</i>

153
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,093
All right.

154
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:23,635
- I love your singing, Barney.
- And I love you, Shannon.

155
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:24,896
(GIGGLING)

156
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,632
Joining the Peace Corps with you
is gonna be legendary.

157
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,801
I know. Only five short weeks,
till we're down in Nicaragua.

158
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,504
Hey, nonfat latte to go.

159
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,672
Mellow order, bro, mellow order.

160
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:42,448
Dude. That's your G-friend?
All right, high-five.

161
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,084
Sorry, I only give high-twos.

162
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:49,055
Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.

163
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,623
Listen to you. "That"?

164
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:55,465
You know, women aren't objects.
They're human beings.

165
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,704
And FYI, Shannon and I have
decided to wait till we're married.

166
00:08:58,804 --> 00:09:00,294
You can read about it in my zine.

167
00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:02,965
Hey, Haircut, right here.

168
00:09:03,075 --> 00:09:05,236
Open up your knowledge basket
'cause here it comes.

169
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:06,538
Forget all that touchy-feely crap.

170
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:09,240
You get money, you get laid.
End of discussion.

171
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:11,339
I feel sorry for you, man.

172
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,411
Peace out, <i>hombre,</i>

173
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:14,845
(SCOFFS)

174
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:16,714
Suits.

175
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:21,788
<i>BARNEY; Five weeks later, we were all set</i>
<i>to leave for the Peace Corps,</i>

176
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,486
<i>Only problem was</i>

177
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,360
<i>she never showed up,</i>

178
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,362
- She never showed?
- So what happened next?

179
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:37,934
You know what? This was a mistake.

180
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,810
Wait, what if somebody else
told their most humiliating story?

181
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,348
Oh, I know just how to decide who.

182
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,145
You brought the game to the bar?

183
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,345
We're not quitting
just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.

184
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:49,921
I was winning?

185
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:52,252
(EXCLAIMS)

186
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:54,553
(CLEARS THROAT)

187
00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,158
Fine. I'll go next.

188
00:09:56,829 --> 00:10:00,230
<i>ROBIN; I was doing a report on live TV</i>
<i>about a hansom cab driver,</i>

189
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,201
- The slipping-in-horse-poop story?
- Yeah, we all know that one.

190
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,827
VICTORIA: Okay, how about this?

191
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,463
I will tell you my most humiliating story.

192
00:10:08,574 --> 00:10:10,769
Yeah, Victoria. Way to step up.

193
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:13,367
It involves a game of Truth or Dare,

194
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,949
a squeeze bottle
of marshmallow ice cream topping,

195
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:20,450
and the hot tub at my grandparents'
retirement community.

196
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,748
<i>OLDER TED; Kids, I tell you</i>
<i>a lot of inappropriate stories,</i>

197
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:25,153
<i>but there's no way in hell</i>
<i>I'm telling you this one,</i>

198
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:27,020
<i>Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great,</i>

199
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:31,028
That is the greatest story ever!

200
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,860
- Oh, my God!
- Wow, wow, wow!

201
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:38,070
Victoria, I deem your offering worthy.

202
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,634
My saga continues.

203
00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:46,669
<i>BARNEY; I went back to the coffeehouse</i>
<i>to find Shannon,</i>

204
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:49,270
- Barney!
- Sugar bear, where were you?

205
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:53,010
I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.

206
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,211
But the Nicaraguans need us.

207
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,688
It's just he's still supporting me.

208
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,225
And, look,
he's coming by soon to talk about it,

209
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,353
but I think you should go on without me.

210
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,590
- Shannon, there is no...
- Barney.

211
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,257
It's your dream.

212
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:12,003
It's only two years. I know we can make it.

213
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:19,068
<i>As I walked away,</i>
<i>I realized Shannon was an adult,</i>

214
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,544
<i>Her father couldn't control her life,</i>

215
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:24,081
<i>I had to go back and confront him,</i>

216
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:31,480
<i>She was in the middle</i>
<i>of a heated argument with her dad,</i>

217
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,430
(BAG THUDDING)

218
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,956
ALL: What?

219
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:41,728
(BUZZING)

220
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:44,301
Now we all gotta drink.

221
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:52,207
Oh, my God. What happened next?

222
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:55,905
- Oh, I don't know, guys.
- Okay, okay.

223
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,447
- Marshall's mom sent us cookies.
- Lily, no! No, Lily!

224
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,214
For the team, Marshall, for the team.

225
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,949
Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.

226
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,958
Thank you so much
for the delicious cookies.

227
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,489
Mayonnaise. Really?

228
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:12,958
Never would have guessed.

229
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,125
Yes, well I will definitely give Marshall
a kiss for you.

230
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,668
Okay, take care.

231
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:21,137
- Hi, baby.
- Oh, crap! My mom sent cookies?

232
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:25,508
Yeah. I wish we had a dog,
so they wouldn't go to waste.

233
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:26,635
Yeah.

234
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:29,378
So, we've got the whole place
to ourselves.

235
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:33,350
- I'm thinking floor sex.
- Sounds reasonable.

236
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,248
LILY: Oh, floor's cold.

237
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:40,554
Grab that afghan your mom made.

238
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,319
The whole time?

239
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,860
The whole time.

240
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,467
Barney, that was really embarrassing
for both of us.

241
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:53,834
We just earned a huge chunk of story.

242
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,964
Right. So where was I?

243
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,138
Oh, yeah.
Shannon was sucking face with her dad.

244
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:10,419
How could... With your dad?

245
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:15,085
I mean, I know,
judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!

246
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,287
Barney, that's not my dad.

247
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:19,728
His name's Greg.
I've been seeing him for a few weeks.

248
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:23,427
I was hoping you'd just leave
and we could avoid all this.

249
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:27,364
We're breaking up?
But what about the Peace Corps?

250
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,806
Yeah, all this granola business,
it was just a phase.

251
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:34,243
Greg's older. He's successful.

252
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,911
He buys me all this cool stuff.

253
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,549
- But I love you.
- But he has a boat.

254
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:47,448
You should go to the Peace Corps.
And forget about me.

255
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,762
<i>BARNEY; I didn't go,</i>

256
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,060
<i>That night, I recorded my video</i>
<i>and mailed it to Shannon,</i>

257
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,330
<i>I didn't see her until a week later,</i>

258
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,299
There's sugar in the basket.

259
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:07,001
Shannon! Shannon, you came back!

260
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:09,239
I'm just picking up my last paycheck.

261
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:13,377
Did you... Did you get my tape?

262
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:15,917
Oh, she got the tape.

263
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:20,147
You? You... It was you?

264
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:23,186
(SINGING MOCKINGLY)

265
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:24,730
(LAUGHING)

266
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:25,094
(LAUGHING)

267
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,425
Oh, man!

268
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,735
(SHANNON AND GREG LAUGHING)

269
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,280
(CRYING)

270
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:55,960
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

271
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,838
Oh, you poor thing.

272
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,506
The story's not over.
I did see Shannon one more time.

273
00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:52,080
- When?
- Sorry. Sorry.

274
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:56,221
Oh, you've gotta tell us.

275
00:15:56,388 --> 00:16:00,882
I don't know. I think I might need
one last story to get me through it.

276
00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:04,456
Fine.

277
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,358
Oh, the Green Testicles story.

278
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,490
So, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee
in college,

279
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,068
and there was this barefoot dude
with a weirdly sharp toenail...

280
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:14,401
Oh, come on, Ted!
You know what story I wanna hear.

281
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:17,708
Everyone else here has manned-up tonight
and told the truth.

282
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,277
Why can't you?

283
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:22,012
You're right.

284
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:26,310
Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't
told you this yet, but a while back,

285
00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:29,216
I was kind of into Robin.

286
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:34,449
In fact, on our first date,
I might've said, "I love you."

287
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:39,064
Understandably, she freaked out,
and I left,

288
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,691
but unfortunately,
the night did not end there.

289
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:48,063
<i>TED; We all ended up at the bar</i>
<i>with our cabdriver, Ranjit,</i>

290
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,107
To one hell of a night!

291
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:51,608
(ALL LAUGHING)

292
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,377
<i>TED; And I drank,</i>

293
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,707
<i>A lot,</i>

294
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,338
<i>(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)</i>

295
00:16:58,984 --> 00:17:01,919
So, you guys think
I should have kissed her?

296
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:06,958
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.

297
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,152
Yes! Do it!

298
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:10,592
To the car.

299
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:11,890
(LAUGHING)

300
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:27,745
(VOMITING)

301
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:30,911
ROBIN: Hello? Is someone out there?

302
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:37,589
(GASPING)

303
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,823
You ralphed and ran?

304
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:46,392
I thought you were vomit-free since '93.

305
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,361
So, that was a lie?

306
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:53,299
You re-returned for me.
That's really sweet.

307
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,134
Though you kind of ruined
my customized Scherbatsky doormat.

308
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,142
- Sorry.
- It's okay.

309
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:05,006
- Victoria, I know this must be...
- Yeah. It kind of is.

310
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:12,483
Wow, Ted, you were right.
You shouldn't have told that story.

311
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,826
But you did earn yourself
the right to the end of mine.

312
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,453
We fast-forward eight years
into the future.

313
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:21,362
Wait, eight years. That's this year.

314
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:25,165
Marshall, not only is it this year,
it's tonight.

315
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,338
Hi.

316
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,014
- Barney?
- Hi, Shannon.

317
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,618
- What are you doing here?
- Just listen.

318
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,885
When you left me for that guy Greg,
it changed me.

319
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,194
Now, I'm this.

320
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:54,760
I know this is crazy, it's just,
you were once such a big part of my life,

321
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,335
and it just seemed insane
that you didn't know who I am now.

322
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,768
So, here I am.

323
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,604
<i>BARNEY; And then she told me</i>
<i>about her life,</i>

324
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:07,039
She and Greg dated for a while,
and then split up.

325
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,380
But here's the real kicker.
Shannon's a mom.

326
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:13,347
She has a little kid named Max.

327
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:17,046
That's crazy. That could've been my kid.

328
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,517
But instead, what do I have?

329
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:24,123
My whole life's some money in the bank,
some suits in my closet,

330
00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:26,959
and a string of one-night stands.

331
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,133
Hey, come on.

332
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,032
I mean, just because her life
went one way,

333
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,937
and yours went another,
doesn't make your life any worse.

334
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,333
My life rocks!

335
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:44,178
Money, suits and sex.
These are tears of joy.

336
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,408
I could be cooped up
in some tiny apartment,

337
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,749
changing some brat's poopy diapers,

338
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:53,621
but instead, I'm out in the world
being awesome 24/7, 365.

339
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,216
You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.

340
00:19:56,728 --> 00:20:00,255
Plus, here's the mini-cherry,
on top of the regular cherry,

341
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,959
on top of the sundae of awesomeness
that is my life.

342
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,832
After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.

343
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:07,996
- No.
- Yeah.

344
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:09,130
- No.
- Yeah.

345
00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:11,334
Sorry, don't buy it. You're making it up.

346
00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:14,674
You're just trying to cover the fact
that you actually had a profound moment

347
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,008
of doubt about yourself and...

348
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:17,206
<i>(SHANNON MOANING)</i>

349
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,546
- Oh, my God.
<i>- SHANNON; Oh, Barney, oh,</i>

350
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:21,710
Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?

351
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:22,912
<i>SHANNON; Is your phone on?</i>

352
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:25,819
<i>BARNEY; Oh, no, it just takes a while</i>
<i>to power down,</i>

353
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,017
Oh, gross. Just stop it.

354
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:29,093
(CHUCKLING)

355
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,525
Ladies, gentlemen, Ted.

356
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,926
This has been a wonderful evening.

357
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:39,697
I got great dirt on all you guys.
I got Ted to tell the re-return.

358
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,740
I finally nailed Shannon!
Told her I'd call her tomorrow.

359
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,240
Yeah, right.

360
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:48,405
And I rediscovered
just how awesomely awesome my life is.

361
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:50,208
Peace out, <i>hombres,</i>

362
00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:56,520
I think Barney just won game night.

363
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:01,722
<i>OLDER TED; We spend so much effort</i>
<i>trying to keep parts of our lives hidden,</i>

364
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:04,061
<i>even from our closest friends</i>

365
00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:06,687
<i>that those rare times</i>
<i>when we do open up,</i>

366
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:10,290
<i>it's amazing how minor those secrets</i>
<i>all end up seeming,</i>

367
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:19,241
$100 says when you turn around...

368
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:22,438
<i>Of course,</i>
<i>not every secret was told that night,</i>

369
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,277
<i>But that's getting ahead of the story,</i>