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OLDER TED: Kids, this is
a Thanksgiving story.
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Thanksgiving in New York
is a wonderful time,
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00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:26,152
It's a time for giving of yourself,
for thinking of your fellow man,
4
00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:29,854
A time when the unforgiving city
becomes a little kinder,
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Well, I just ralphed.
6
00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:36,027
- How much did you guys drink last night?
- Not how much, what.
7
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The Thanks-tini,
8
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a fun and delicious new novelty drink
I invented.
9
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:45,276
Cranberry juice, potato vodka,
and a bouillon cube.
10
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,237
Tastes just like a turkey dinner.
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It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.
12
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You want a good holiday drink?
Try his Kwanzaa-politan.
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(CAR HORN HONKING)
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The shuttle's here!
15
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He hasn't been back home to Minnesota
since Christmas.
16
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- He's a little excited.
- Baby, we're holding up the shuttle.
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Do you have everything you need?
Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants?
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Underpants.
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So, Lil, Marshall's family.
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Whole weekend with the future in-laws.
You excited?
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- Yeah, no, it'll be fun.
- Lily, you just said, "Yeah, no."
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Did I? No, I love Marshall's family.
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- But, yeah, no, it'll be great.
- You just did it again.
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Yeah, no, shut up.
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Wait, so you're not going home
for Thanksgiving?
26
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- No, I have to work on Friday. You?
- I'm Canadian, remember?
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- We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
- Oh, right, I forgot.
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You guys are weird.
You pronounce the word "out," "oute."
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You guys are the world's leader
in handgun violence,
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your healthcare system is bankrupt,
31
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and your country is deeply divided
on almost every important issue.
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Your cops are called Mounties.
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So, probably hanging out
with Barney, then?
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No. Barney's got
his own Thanksgiving tradition.
35
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Thanksgiving in a strip club. Who's in?
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The Lusty Leopard has
a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet.
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Plus, they do this thing.
Heather dresses up as a Pilgrim,
38
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and Misty dresses up as an Indian,
and they share a meal together.
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- Oh, Barney.
- I'm sorry. Native American.
40
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I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter,
serve food.
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- That's awesome.
- Yeah.
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I thought I'd just spend the day
giving back, you know, doing some good.
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- Canceling out Barney.
- Exactly.
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- Where are all my underpants?
- Did you check your suitcase?
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No.
46
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Let's go.
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Let's go.
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OLDER TED; And go they went,
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All the way to St., Cloud, Minnesota,
Marshall's hometown,
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And as Lily stepped into
her fiancé's boyhood home,
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she received a big welcome,
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Hello! We're home!
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(ALL EXCLAIMING)
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A very big welcome,
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You see, at 6-foot-4,
Marshall was the runt of the Eriksen clan,
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- Great to see you.
- Hey, you, too.
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Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are.
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- Where's my almost daughter-in-law?
- Here I am!
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Over here!
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Well, you got yourself
a great little bride here, Son.
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- Yeah.
- That's great.
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All right, now, no farting around.
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Put your skates and your pads on, boys.
Game on in five minutes.
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Yeah. All right.
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- Oh, you gonna play hockey?
- Hike, hut!
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- With a basketball?
- Well, it's a combination of the two.
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- We call it "bask-ice-ball."
- We invented it.
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It's the most dangerous
and awesome sport in the world.
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Bask-ice-ball? Not ice-ket-ball?
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"Ice-ket-ball"?
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- Just sounds weird.
- Yeah.
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- It's bask-ice-ball, okay? And I'm the best.
- Oh, you wish.
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Oh, well, maybe that's just 'cause
you haven't seen me play.
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(ALL HOOTING)
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I don't know, honey.
It's not really a sport for a girl.
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Well, that's funny,
'cause your brother throws like a girl.
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(ALL JEERING)
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00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,538
Marcus.
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- This is gonna be great.
- I know. I'm so psyched we did this.
80
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Man, look at all these people.
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00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:11,311
Giving up their Thanksgiving to help
their fellow man.
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These have gotta be the best people
in New York.
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Excuse me, guys, coming through.
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- Barney?
- Well, hi, guys.
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- What are you doing here?
- Oh, just the Lord's work.
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- But you're Satan.
- Guys, okay, look.
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I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here.
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I think it's important to help
the less fortunate.
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I'm the Angelina Jolie
of incredibly hot guys.
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This is a joke, right?
You don't actually volunteer here?
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00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,739
Barney, we need you out front.
There is a logjam on the stuffing line.
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- Can you show them how it's done?
- I'm on it.
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- Wait, so, this is real? Barney does this?
- Every Sunday, all year long.
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He's our best volunteer.
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That's 'cause
I was trained by the best, Kendall.
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Anyway, we're psyched
to be here, Kendall.
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What do you need us to do?
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- Go home, we're full.
- ROBIN: What?
99
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,097
We're volunteers, we're unpaid help.
100
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,100
Can you ever really have
enough unpaid help?
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00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:06,899
On the biggest volunteer day of the year?
Yeah, you can.
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- Come on, we just wanna help out.
- Kendall. They're cool.
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Fine. But I'm not promising anything.
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Wait here,
we'll let you know if we need you.
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Okay, well, I better get back out there.
There's a lot of food to give out.
106
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And a lot of smiles.
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I almost forgot.
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I know it's early,
109
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but you are a future Mrs. Eriksen.
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Oh, thank you.
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Well, it'll go great with my...
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I just love it.
113
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Okay, Lily, we're putting you
on salad duty.
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Oh, I make this
great frisée and endive salad
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with a coriander lime vinaigrette.
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But this is an American holiday.
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Lily, now that you're going to be
a Mrs. Eriksen,
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I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe:
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The Eriksen Family Seven Layer Salad.
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Seven layer salad?
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Six cups of mayonnaise?
That can't be right.
122
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Oh, no, dear. Sixteen cups.
Mayo's in that cabinet.
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Oh, my God, there is some
serious bask-ice-ball going on out there.
124
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Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face
with a snowball, which is a foul,
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'cause you only get
one snowball per possession,
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so I nailed him in the shin with my skate,
and then I totally dunked it.
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Yeah, you were sitting pretty,
till I whacked you with that mallet.
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Hey, gorgeous.
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You having fun?
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Yeah, but I kind of miss you.
Could you stay in here for a little bit?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's halftime.
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Halftime's over.
Get your butts out here. Come on.
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And I hope you like the taste
of skate, dorko.
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- Go.
- Thanks, baby.
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Isn't this great?
136
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Can't you see why everybody
from my high school stays in this town?
137
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:07,918
Hey, Marvin! You're the dorko, dorko!
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(SIGHS) Man, it's amazing out there.
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I've done so much good today,
I've got, like, a soul boner.
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Man, the way
the faces of the less fortunate light up
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when you give them
a hot, nutritious meal,
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is there a better feeling on earth?
143
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Yesterday, you said the best feeling
on earth was getting your toes sucked.
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00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,714
Then you requested a high-five,
with your foot.
145
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,012
Hey, Barn, what do you say
you let us sub in for you
146
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,182
scoop stuffing for a little bit?
147
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You wanna scoop stuffing
your first day out?
148
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Hello, NFL,
can I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude.
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Okay, I finished the Gummi Bear layer
of the salad.
150
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,303
What's next?
151
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,241
Potato chips, of course.
152
00:07:56,476 --> 00:08:00,207
So, Lily, when are you gonna start
thinking about having a baby?
153
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:04,940
Baby? You know,
I hadn't really thought about it.
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00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,512
At all.
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00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,883
OLDER TED; Actually, Aunt Lily was lying,
It was all she'd been thinking about,
156
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,455
You see, remember when she said...
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Well, I just ralphed.
158
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,724
At that point, she was five days late,
159
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,421
This was day six,
160
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Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young
to have a baby, right?
161
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Oh, are you kidding?
162
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,865
I was younger than you
when I had Marcus.
163
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,338
Beautiful 15-pound boy.
164
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Not much bigger
than this turkey right here.
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Oh, boy.
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OLDER TED; Now, if Lily was already
uneasy about joining the Eriksen family,
167
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:46,847
imagine how she felt
168
00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:50,918
about possibly having a 15-pound Eriksen
growing inside of her,
169
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,799
That's a big baby, Judy.
170
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:57,532
- The doctor thought he was twins.
- (TITTERING) Twins.
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Twins.
172
00:09:03,142 --> 00:09:06,475
This is crazy. When did it get so hard
to do charity work?
173
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,342
I do charity work all the time.
174
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,574
Remember when I said
I'd find you a girlfriend?
175
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:13,675
Delightful. How's that little project
coming along, anyway?
176
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:14,844
I'm working on it.
177
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,514
I'm gonna introduce you to that girl
you've been staring at.
178
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,784
What? That's crazy.
I haven't been staring at any girl.
179
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,484
Have you met Ted?
180
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:25,493
Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted,
and this is... Gone.
181
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,124
- I'm Amanda.
- Hi.
182
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:32,966
- So, what do you do here, Ted?
- Well, I've been... Nothing. I do nothing.
183
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,498
Well, if you wanna do something,
184
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:37,906
you and your girlfriend can help
sort through these donations.
185
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,103
Oh, I'm not his girlfriend.
186
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:43,739
I used to be,
but I just wasn't enough woman for Ted,
187
00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:46,511
emotionally, or sexually.
188
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,417
Oh, my God.
189
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:52,790
So, Amanda, what do you need us to do?
190
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:54,619
Okay, this is important.
191
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,695
Go through all these boxes
of food donations,
192
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,264
take out the really good stuff,
and put it into this box.
193
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,424
Got it. Consider it sorted.
194
00:10:02,835 --> 00:10:03,859
Hey, we're in business.
195
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:06,438
Hey, Barney's not gonna get
all the glory today.
196
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,911
- Let's start with this one.
- Yeah.
197
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,411
- Amen.
- ALL: Amen.
198
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,949
Look who came to say good night.
199
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:22,077
It's little Martin. Three months old.
200
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:26,319
- Months? Three months?
- He's been drinking his milk.
201
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,483
Oh, yeah.
202
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:29,060
Hear, hear.
203
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,954
And she's already pregnant again.
204
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:36,159
Well, that's 'cause
those Eriksen boys' boys can swim.
205
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,998
They got two tails
and a drill bit for a head.
206
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:44,266
- Dad, you're embarrassing me.
- Don't worry about it, Son, she's cool.
207
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:48,006
- She's gonna be an Eriksen.
- Yeah, well, not literally.
208
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,842
'Cause, you know, I'm keeping my name.
209
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,676
But the apron?
210
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:59,452
Well, we haven't actually decided
anything yet, so we're gonna...
211
00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:02,584
No, I've decided,
and I'm keeping my own name.
212
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:06,029
But Eriksen is a great last name.
213
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:09,025
People know the Eriksens.
214
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,604
Well, sure, in St. Cloud,
215
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,868
but our kids aren't gonna be
growing up in St. Cloud.
216
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,407
Right, baby?
217
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:23,345
Well, why not St. Cloud?
I mean, I loved growing up in St. Cloud.
218
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:26,179
St. Cloud is a great place
to have a childhood.
219
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:27,912
Well, so is New York.
220
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,181
(ALL LAUGHING)
221
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,419
What? It is. And we grew up just fine.
222
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,586
And we grew to the proper size,
and then we stopped.
223
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,760
- Hey, Amanda, what's this box for?
- Oh, that's for me.
224
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:50,069
- You can put it in my car.
- In your car. Then you'll take it...
225
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,970
Home. Yeah, we get so much extra food,
no one can eat it all.
226
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,374
Oh, truffle oil. Score.
227
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:01,711
But people donated this food
thinking it was going to feed the hungry.
228
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:04,381
I know. And I'm starving.
229
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:11,661
- But, Marshall, you love New York.
- Yes, I do.
230
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,497
But you always said
that when we had kids,
231
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:17,467
- you wanted to move out of Manhattan.
- Well, yeah, to Brooklyn.
232
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:22,264
Why are we even talking about this?
This is, like, way down the road.
233
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:26,572
OLDER TED; But Lily knew "way down the
road,"might not be so far down the road,
234
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:31,581
- I need to go to the restroom.
- Lily, the restroom's the other way.
235
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,379
So, she headed down the road,
236
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:36,983
Lily? Lily!
237
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:45,297
So, wait. Not only have you not done
any good for anyone today,
238
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,059
you're actually helping someone
steal from the homeless?
239
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,398
You know, Ted, it's called
Thanksgiving, not Thanks-taking.
240
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:52,595
Damn.
241
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:55,432
Barney, you need me to sign
your time sheet, right?
242
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:58,977
- BARNEY: Oh, yeah, right. Thanks.
- Barney.
243
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:02,003
- Yeah, what's up?
- You have a time sheet?
244
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,446
- No one else has a time sheet.
- Yeah, so?
245
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,710
All right, let me see that. Come on.
246
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:07,786
Hey, that's my private, personal business.
247
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:10,617
"Court-mandated community service?"
248
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,851
Oh, my God, you're on probation?
What did you do?
249
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,358
That's my private, personal business.
250
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,259
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
251
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:28,239
I was unfairly punished because
the wall belonged to the judge's church.
252
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,899
You peed on a church?
253
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,638
I peed in an alley,
which happened to have a church,
254
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,544
which I did not see, because I was drunk.
255
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:41,748
- You are evil.
- All is right with the world again.
256
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,911
Okay, fine.
257
00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:46,219
So a judge is making me do this,
but I'm still doing it.
258
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,919
And kicking ass at it, BTW.
259
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:53,327
When's the last time
either of you did something good, huh?
260
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,327
Kendall. Kendall.
261
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:03,168
Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms
from homeless people.
262
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:08,202
Amanda. I called dibs
on the Portobello mushrooms.
263
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:13,311
- Those are for the hungry.
- I know. And I'm starving.
264
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:15,414
(BOTH LAUGHING)
265
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:21,082
AMANDA: Those are good mushrooms!
266
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,128
Mushrooms! Mushrooms!
Portobello mushrooms for everyone!
267
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,460
Take them and run!
They're very expensive!
268
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,702
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving?
269
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:38,536
As in, "Check out the chick buying
the knock-up test, everybody,
270
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,509
"wonder what must be going
through her head."
271
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:44,709
Yeah, well, since you asked,
a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants
272
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:47,752
is trying to suck me
into their suburban nightmare,
273
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:50,219
and there's a solid chance
that I have an Eriksen,
274
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:54,088
the size of a 15-pound turkey,
growing inside of me!
275
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:59,688
You know the Eriksens?
You're Marshall's fiancée.
276
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,358
- Fantastic.
- So nice to meet you.
277
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,630
You're taller than described.
278
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,497
Oh, I'm sorry I just yelled at you.
279
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:12,502
- You mind if I use your bathroom?
- Don't have one.
280
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:15,772
- So what do you do when you have to...
- I hold it.
281
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:17,872
(SLURPING)
282
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:26,390
- You can't fire a volunteer.
- Apparently you can.
283
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:29,390
And his two
non-mushroom-throwing friends.
284
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,897
I can't believe I told Kendall
you guys were cool.
285
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:35,827
I have 40 hours left
on my community service.
286
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,769
And now I've gotta spend it
spearing trash on a freaking median strip.
287
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,466
Volunteer of the Year!
288
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,374
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay?
289
00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:49,811
Look, if there's anything I can do
to make it up to you,
290
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:52,315
- just tell me, I'll do it.
- Ted, I'm glad you asked.
291
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:04,658
- Surprisingly good.
- Right? I told you so.
292
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:08,591
Public urination.
Who gets arrested for public urination?
293
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:12,296
- Lily's been arrested.
- Oh, dear. What for?
294
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,430
Public urination.
295
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,483
- Thanks, Pete.
- No problemo, Marsh.
296
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,288
- You all right?
- No.
297
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,585
I embarrassed myself
in front of your family,
298
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:37,856
and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in
probably the most depressing place ever.
299
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,297
Well, I'm glad that you're safe.
300
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:45,594
Hey, weird question.
301
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:47,865
Why did you drive 3 miles down Route 23
302
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:49,838
and take a pee
behind a convenience store?
303
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,001
Okay, I'll tell you, but before I do,
304
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:55,638
promise me that we are not gonna move
to St. Cloud, Minnesota. Promise.
305
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,739
Look it, I'm not suggesting
that we move here tomorrow,
306
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,043
- I'm just...
- Just promise!
307
00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:00,743
Why do you want me to promise you that?
308
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,617
Because I don't fit in here.
I'm not 8 feet tall,
309
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:07,158
and I don't think you can call it a salad
if it has Funyuns in it!
310
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,458
I'm Funyuns.
311
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:14,297
And mayonnaise, and Gummi Bears,
and bask-ice-ball, and I love St. Cloud.
312
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,231
And yes, there is a part of me
that would like to move here someday.
313
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:21,534
And why are we having this discussion
in a jail cell on Thanksgiving?
314
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:26,610
Okay, personal effects.
One wallet, one cell phone,
315
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,309
one pregnancy test.
316
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,357
Pete arrested me before I could look at it.
317
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,195
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
318
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:54,336
Lily, we can't let our kids play
bask-ice-ball.
319
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,469
Bask-ice-ball is really dangerous.
320
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,568
Yeah, what are the rules
to that game, anyway?
321
00:18:00,679 --> 00:18:03,341
There are no rules.
We just whale on each other.
322
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,014
Look, I don't wanna be
exactly like my family.
323
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:15,358
And don't take this the wrong way,
324
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:19,395
but I don't wanna be
exactly like your family, either.
325
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,800
We'll be our own family.
326
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:27,871
And we'll find our own way to
freak out the people our kids bring home.
327
00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:33,207
Great, now I'm crying.
328
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:37,274
Look, we may have some really
big decisions to make
329
00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:39,145
in about 10 seconds,
330
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,219
but right now,
I don't care where our kids grow up,
331
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,687
as long as they have you for a father.
332
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,795
Gosh, I hope you're the father.
333
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:54,093
Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
334
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:00,596
What does it say?
335
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,475
- I'm afraid to look.
- PETE: It's negative!
336
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,970
Oh, thank God.
337
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,611
And, hey!
338
00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:15,776
Ted, are you listening?
339
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,286
You're a good guy.
340
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,358
Wanna know
why I have to work tomorrow?
341
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:23,724
My firm's designing an executive lounge
for a tobacco company.
342
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:27,265
In the fight against cancer,
I'm on the side of cancer.
343
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,468
Okay, Ted. I found a way
for you to help someone, to do some good.
344
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,037
This is Walter. Walter is homeless.
345
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:36,835
- And Walter would like a lap dance.
- Are you joking?
346
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:40,775
I never joke about the sublime art
of burlesque entertainment.
347
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,543
No, Barney, that's insane.
348
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:47,176
Sir, would you like me to buy you
a ticket to the buffet?
349
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,948
No, I'm stuffed.
Just the lap dance would be fine.
350
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,990
Ted, Walter's been
to three shelter dinners.
351
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:56,583
You know where he hasn't been?
To heaven with Samantha.
352
00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,725
Look, it's the one chance you've had
all day to help someone in need.
353
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,994
Now, buy this man a lap dance.
354
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,065
You said you wanted to see the look of joy
in someone's eyes.
355
00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:11,270
You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch.
356
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:16,608
Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving.
357
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,042
Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you.
358
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:27,225
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
359
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,489
Thanksgiving in November. Weird.
360
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,964
OLDER TED; So,
that was Thanksgiving 2005,
361
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:46,066
To be honest, it didn't go great,
But life has plenty of good parts,
362
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:50,179
It's the rough parts that make you thankful
you have people to share it with,
363
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:12,133
Hey, I saw what you did for that guy.
It was really sweet.
364
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:16,003
- Do you want a dance?
- No, thanks.
365
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,600
- Do you want some yams?
- No, thanks.
366
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,804
- I'm Amber.
- I'm Ted.
367
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,047
Actually, I'm Tracey.
368
00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:28,883
Still Ted.
369
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,314
OLDER TED; And that, kids,
is the true story of how I met your mother,
370
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,486
- BOTH: What?
- (LAUGHING) I'm kidding.
371
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,086
(LAUGHS)