OLDER TED: You know how Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween?
Always dressing up in crazy costumes?
Well, she wasn't always that way.
Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween.
Unlike Aunt Lily,
- Guess what came in the mail today? - Our costumes?
- Do they rule? - They rule.
And yours is 100% wool,
so you won't get hypothermia like last year.
Tarzan nipple blue.
You know what I love about Halloween?
It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag.
If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch.
If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat.
- Lf she's a nurse... - Wow. We get it.
She's a slutty nurse.
Robin, what are you doing for Halloween?
Oh, I don't know.
Probably hanging out with Mike, this guy I've been seeing.
Mike? There's a Mike?
You have a boyfriend and you haven't told us?
No. I mean, he's not my boyfriend.
He's just this guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks.
Boyfriend.
So why haven't we met him?
We're not really ready to go public yet.
Married.
How about we go on a Halloween double-date?
I don't know, we were kind of thinking about staying at home
and dressing up as naked people.
Come on, Robin, trot out your new fella.
Let us judge and evaluate him behind your back.
It'll be fun.
Hey, Ted, you'll never guess what happened?
- Your costumes came? - Our costumes... Yes.
That is why we're best friends.
Hey, Ted, what are you doing for Halloween?
- Well... - What?
Every Halloween, Ted waits for the slutty pumpkin.
That's right.
What's the slutty pumpkin?
You mean, "Who is the slutty pumpkin?"
It was four years ago.
TED; I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building,
about to call it an early night, when out of nowhere
appeared this girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume,
Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?
It was carved in strategic places.
TED; So, we're at the bar and I see her mix
- Kahlúa and... - Kahlúa and root beer.
A cocktail she invented herself.
- And she... - And she called it the Tootsie Roll.
- Because... - ALL: Because it tastes
like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll.
Hey, can I please tell the story?
So we had this instant connection.
She gave me her number. But then...
ALL: Something went terribly wrong.
Guys!
Something went terribly wrong.
Happy Halloween.
Sonny, where's Cher?
- Cher. - Right here, babe.
I just met the perfect woman.
She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves Star Wars,
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's her take on Ewoks?
- Loves them. - Oh, good.
I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks.
The Rebellion would've failed without the Ewoks.
And get this. She's a marine biologist.
She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Oh, penguins are cool.
Kind of like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.
Hey, where's my Kit Kat? I put it right here on this table.
I don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here.
No, no, no, you don't understand. I need that Kit Kat.
She wrote her number on that wrapper. Where is it?
Uh-oh.
Hey, Dracula, come on. Give me the candy. Give me it!
Where's the Kit Kat? Where's the Kit Kat?
Never found her number. Never saw her again.
But every year they have a Halloween party
up on the roof, so that's where I'll be.
You know, Ted, it's been four years.
She could be engaged, or married,
or, God forbid, fat.
I don't know, I got a feeling.
This could be the year.
Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.
All right, bring the mockery. Fine. I can take it.
Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever
if the slutty pumpkin turned out to be my future wife?
Oh, on the off chance that that could happen,
maybe we should stop calling her the slutty pumpkin.
Good idea.
LILY: Ted, is your world ready to be rocked?
(IMITATES ECHO)
Can't wait.
So, what do you think?
(MIMICKING PARROT) So, what do you think?
(SQUAWKS)
Wow!
Marshall, are you wearing eyeliner?
Oh, yeah. Weirdly hot, right?
We are so gonna win the costume contest this year.
First prize, a $50 gift certificate at the bar.
And how much did you pay for your costumes?
$100.
Each.
Well, I think you guys look great.
What are you going as? Oh, like I even need to ask.
Hey, I want the slutty pumpkin to recognize me,
and she knows me as a hanging chad.
What? She thought it was hilarious.
Yeah, four years ago.
But nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
What a sad commentary on our national attention span,
that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
(MIMICKING PARROT) Sad commentary.
All right, Polly gotta pee.
Again?
- Where are you going? - It's an elaborate costume.
(DANGER ZONE PLAYING ON STEREO)
(TURNS OFF STEREO)
No, no, not again. Not this year.
You're going as my wingman. Flightsuit up.
No thanks. I'm sticking with the hanging chad.
Oh, you're dangerous, Maverick.
Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.
Okay.
Here's the plan, and I crap you not.
I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party.
Trust me. By the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.
We can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year.
Tonight, I'm going up to the roof,
I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin.
It's just what I do.
Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties,
or Yale preppies reuniting their stupid a cappella group.
What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks?
Word.
I'm heading up to the roof.
Well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us.
What's that? Self-five? Nice. We out.
Hey, chad. How's it hanging?
Hey, wordplay. Funny.
Nice outfit.
- I'm a parrot. - You sure are.
- Where's Mike? - He's meeting me here.
I ran late covering the Halloween parade in the Village.
There are, like, a zillion gay pirates this year.
Seriously, does my eyeliner look okay?
Yes, it's weirdly hot.
So, where's your costume?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You know, Mike and I joked about doing something together,
but we decided not to dress up.
Oh, jeez.
Hi.
Everyone, this is Michael. That is not his real hair.
Where's your costume, Gretel?
You thought I was...
Oh, I was just kidding.
I gotta stop making jokes in e-mails. It's so hard to convey tone.
I think we got them beat.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
I didn't. You followed me up here.
This party sucks.
There's seven chicks here.
There's six chicks here.
Relax. The night is young. It's gonna get better.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as on pitch as they were at Spring Fling '95,
it's my pleasure to welcome back The Shagarats.
(ALL CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
What be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater?
Argyle.
And what be a pirate's
favorite fast food restaurant?
Arby's.
'Twould think it would be Arby's.
But actually it's Long John Silver's.
Actually, I kind of need this hand to eat.
Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTING)
- Oh, thank you. - I'm starving.
It's so nice to meet you, Mike. You guys are really cute together.
Yeah. We've been spending a lot of time together.
We're even getting to that point where we finish each other's...
- This cheeseburger is so... - Good.
See?
I think you won the dish-off tonight, baby.
This steak totally bitch-slapped my pork chops.
That may be true.
But your rice pilaf kicked my spinach in the crotch so hard,
it threw up a little bit.
Robin, you have to try this chicken.
Oh, no, that's good. I'm okay. Thanks.
It's really tasty.
I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger.
Come on, just try a little bite.
Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Really tasty.
(GROUP CHORUSING)
(ALL CHEERING)
- Hey. - Hey.
So, what does a fella have to do to get lei-ed around here?
Yeah.
Right. 'Cause I'm wearing a lei.
God.
It isn't funny if you explain the joke.
(SCOFFS)
- Let's bail. - No, Barney, come on. I'm having fun.
Plus, it's really great to see all these guys again.
Name one person you know at this party.
Well, there's Ninja,
Back of Horse. Hey, where's Front of Horse?
That guy's a riot, where is he?
Okay, I'm leaving.
But just know that this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht.
And what will be sticking to that yacht?
The Barnacle.
- Really? That's the nickname now? - Yeah, the Barnacle.
- The Barnacle? - That's it.
Barnacle out.
Have fun, Barnacle.
So, do you like Mike?
Do you like Mike?
Of course I do. Why?
It just doesn't seem like it.
You won't share your food, you won't wear a costume.
Oh, Lily, you know me. I'm just not into all that coupley stuff.
Okay, I know that stuff looks dumb from the outside.
But it's kind of the greatest thing in the world when you're a part of it.
If you just gave it a chance, you might like it.
Are you trying to get me to join a cult?
Robin, Mike likes you.
If you don't start meeting him halfway, you're gonna lose him.
What?
Look, it's Halloween.
Just put on the girlfriend costume for a night.
Okay. Well, what am I supposed to do?
Buy him a giant teddy bear or something?
How about you start by sharing dessert.
I can share dessert.
Good.
He better want the brownie sundae.
But, yeah. Yeah, I can totally share. Yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Barney? What, you're back? - That's right.
In a totally new costume.
Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume
in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party.
That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.
What's with the face?
It's half "you're pathetic," half "I have to pee."
So go to the bathroom.
No, there's a huge line. I don't wanna miss the slutty pumpkin.
So pee off the roof.
Ted, pee off the roof.
Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's people walking down there.
Come on, Ted. Who are you gonna listen to?
Me or Mr. Goody-Goody over there?
Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed?
A little to the left, Marshall.
ROBIN: Lily, squat down.
This is gonna be a slaughter.
None of these other costumes even come close to ours.
Take the damn picture.
- Got it. - Nice.
I still think we should've won as Sonny and Cher.
Maybe if I'd worn the red dress.
If I could turn back time...
Wow. This sundae looks so good, I could eat the whole thing.
But I would much rather share this small, one-scoop sundae with you, Mike.
Apple tart, excellent choice, Lilypad.
Thanks, Marshmallow.
Well, let's dig in, Microwave Oven.
Let me guess.
Every guy's used the lei-ed line on you tonight, huh?
You wouldn't believe.
I apologize for my gender.
Let me make it up to you. Make you a drink.
You certainly are a charming devil.
I'm also a horny devil.
Yeah.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
No.
Oh, go to hell.
You know, if you guys like tiramisu, we found this little Italian place...
No, you found it. I came with you.
But go on.
I'm just saying we love tiramisu.
I cannot get enough of it.
We're crazy for the stuff.
I'm crazy and you're crazy
for tiramisu.
We love tiramisu.
Am I wrong saying that?
No, no, no. I mean, it just sounds a little bit weird, doesn't it?
We love tiramisu.
Is it really a group activity, loving tiramisu?
Right?
So, this Italian place. How is their cannoli?
Easy there, hungry.
Yeah, looks like we're both hungry.
- Hey, is that Gary Oldman? - Where?
I don't see...
Brain freeze.
- Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now. - Nope.
Come on, I can't stand watching my delusional friend
waste another precious Halloween.
Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming.
She might.
Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds.
It's about believing.
This girl, she represents something to me.
I don't know, hope.
Wow.
I did not understand a word you just said.
Lingerie models on a boat!
See you.
No. See you.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
Wanna drink the melty part?
You know what, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna take off.
Hey.
I thought we were gonna follow those bread crumbs
back to my place, Hansel.
Robin, I don't get the sense you like being with me.
I like being with you.
Not as much as you like being alone.
You like eating your own food,
sleeping in your own bed, doing your own crosswords.
Well, who uses ink?
Sorry.
Okay, I'm a bit set in my ways.
That doesn't mean that this won't work.
Actually, it kind of does.
Wait, are we breaking up?
No, we aren't breaking up.
I'm breaking up with you.
TED; And then, just when I was about to lose hope,
She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
TED; Kahlúa, Root beer,
Could this penguin be the slutty pumpkin?
Excuse me?
This is gonna sound crazy,
but I met someone up on this roof four years ago
and they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins.
By any chance, was that you?
It's you.
- Everyone thought I was crazy, but I... - You are such a loser.
Come on, I came back for you, Ted.
I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways.
And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.
- Unbelievable. - Yes, it is.
Wait a minute.
You're that lame army guy.
No, no, that's some other guy. And he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.
I cannot believe I gave you my number.
Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.
Yeah, well, give it back.
Well, I don't think so. I earned it. Fair and square. I'm calling you.
But I'm never gonna go out with you.
But how will you know it's me? I'm a master of disguise.
Yeah.
(GASPS IN DISGUST)
Nice.
Come on, Ted. Victoria's Secret party. Now. Let's go.
- I'm staying. - Fine. Fine.
What are you doing?
I'm flippering you off.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Seriously, it's not a big deal.
He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I."
Dudes are such chicks.
You guys, I'm fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in.
And the winners of this year's costume contest are
Lily Aldrin as a parrot,
and Marshall Eriksen as a gay pirate.
Oh, yeah! Wait, what did he say?
Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won.
Wait. Gay pirate? Where are you getting that from?
Dude, you're wearing eyeliner.
Okay, I just want everybody here to know I'm not a gay pirate.
I have sex with my parrot all the time.
That came out wrong.
Oh, yeah, doesn't matter! We won!
- I love you, Marshmallow. - I love you, too, Lilypad.
You guys, let me get a picture.
I had a feeling I'd find you here.
Oh, hey.
If you're here for The Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.
I never played any team sports.
Are we playing I Never, 'cause there's nothing left
but peach schnapps.
I played tennis in high school.
You know why?
Because it was just me out there. I couldn't even stand playing doubles.
I just got dumped.
Oh, man, that sucks.
It's okay. I wasn't that into him.
Story of my life.
Everyone else is off falling in love
and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me.
Why don't I want that more?
I want to want that.
- Am I wired wrong or something? - No.
Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly, you have abysmal taste in men.
But you're wired just fine.
Well, what if I'm just a cold person.
Tonight, Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me,
but I couldn't be Gretel.
Why can't I be Gretel?
Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet.
Hey, one day you're gonna meet a guy
who's gonna make you wanna look like a complete idiot.
- Really? - Yeah, he's out there somewhere.
Just like the slutty pumpkin.
(IMITATES ECHO)
How do you do this, Ted?
How do you sit out here all night on the roof, in the cold,
and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
Well, I'm pretty drunk.
Look, I know that odds are, the love of my life
isn't gonna magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume
at 2:43 in the morning.
But it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.
Scooch.