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OLDER TED: So there was this one night,
before I met your mother,
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00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:20,218
when I really wanted to go to the bar.
3
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,754
The bar. Big surprise.
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00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,983
You sure spent a lot of time in bars.
5
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Well, that's just what we did back then.
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00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,187
Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin,
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We all used to hang out
at this one bar called MacLaren's,
8
00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:36,598
But then one night...
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00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,137
- Why don't we go to MacLaren's?
- Let's go to MacLaren's.
10
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,537
You guys talking to each other?
11
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,510
- Nobody's listening?
- What's wrong with MacLaren's?
12
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MacLaren's is bore snore.
Ted, tonight we're gonna go out.
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We're gonna meet some ladies,
it's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!
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OLDER TED; I had no idea
why I hung out with Barney,
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You didn't phone-five, did you?
I know when you don't phone-five, Ted.
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Come on. We always go to MacLaren's.
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Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.
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MacLaren's is this much fun.
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What I'm offering
is the chance to have this much fun.
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See, you say that.
You say it's gonna be this much fun,
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but most of the time,
it ends up being this much fun.
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This much fun is good. It's safe.
It's guaranteed.
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This hand-gesture thing
doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
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No, it doesn't.
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Get in the cab. Marshall, you, too.
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I wish I could.
I think Lily and I are just gonna...
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- I understand. Get in the cab.
- Why can Marshall say no?
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Because he's getting laid.
29
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Consistently.
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00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,725
Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here.
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You keep going to the same bar.
You're in a rut.
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And I am a rut-buster.
I'm going to bust your rut.
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It's not a rut, okay?
It's a routine and I like it.
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Ted, what's the first syllable in "rut-tine"?
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Peace out, suckers!
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All right, so what's this legendary plan?
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First, we gotta pick someone up
at the airport.
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- Okay, I'm out of here.
- Estaban, doors!
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00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:21,365
Okay, we just do this one little thing
and the rest of the night is ours.
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00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,034
Why do you have those suitcases
and who are we picking up?
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I don't know. Maybe her. Or her.
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Wait. So, when you said you were
going to pick someone up at the airport,
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you meant you were going to
pick someone up at the airport?
44
00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,248
Scenario.
45
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:40,690
Couple of girls fly into town
looking for a fun weekend in NYC
46
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:43,660
when they meet two handsome
international businessmen
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00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:46,231
just back from a lucrative trip to Japan.
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Sample dialog. You have a wheelie bag?
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Why, I have a wheelie bag.
50
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- You've got to be kidding me.
- False.
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00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:56,501
Sidebar. Tuck in your shirt.
You look sketchy.
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- I'm sketchy?
- Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.
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Don't say legendary, okay?
54
00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:04,248
You're too liberal with the word legendary.
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We're building an igloo in Central Park.
It's gonna be legendary.
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Snowsuit up!
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Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here!
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This is happening.
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00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:16,623
Now, you can either put the bags
on the carousel now
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00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,629
or you can listen to me
give you a really long speech
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00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:21,495
convincing you to put the bags
on the carousel. Your move.
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00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:27,268
Ted, since the dawn of time,
mankind has struggled...
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00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,677
That night,
Marshall had a ton of studying to do,
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So, Lily went out with Robin
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who was new to New York
and looking for a friend,
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I'm so glad we finally get to hang out,
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- just the two of us.
- Yeah.
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00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,646
And you sure you're okay
giving up your Friday night
69
00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:43,915
to hang with an old, almost-married lady?
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00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:46,355
Oh, please.
I'm so sick of the meat-market scene.
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Guys are like the subway.
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You miss one,
another one comes along in five minutes.
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Unless it's the end of the night,
and then you get on anything.
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00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:58,069
Compliments of that guy.
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Really? Sweet.
76
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,037
Oh. For you it's $6.
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00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:08,012
I guess that's one drawback
to being engaged.
78
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:10,605
- I'm sure that's why he did it.
- Hey.
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00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,350
Oh, hello.
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So, did you just get in from Detroit?
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Japan.
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00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,563
Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready?
83
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:36,074
'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge.
Cute girls are not from Buffalo.
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00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,434
Time out. Ten o'clock.
85
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:40,673
You ready to rock this, Tedder?
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00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,941
All right, I think we need to refine
our back-story first.
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00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:46,075
- How did we...
- Ted! You klutzy, great guy you!
88
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:49,653
Hey. Barney.
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00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,918
- Hi.
- My God, are you okay?
90
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,186
- I am so sorry.
- It's fine, no.
91
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,559
You were a little shaky on your landing.
I'd give you a 9.2.
92
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:58,991
Hi, I'm Ted.
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00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:01,623
Laura. Look, I'm really sorry
that we have to hit and run,
94
00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:02,928
but we've got a plane to catch.
95
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,867
- Oh, where are you headed?
- Philadelphia.
96
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,906
- Philly? That's where we're headed.
- You are?
97
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,967
- Well, then, we'll see you on the plane.
- Yes, you will.
98
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,876
- Follow them. Tickets on me.
- No. Barney!
99
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,281
Don't you get on that escalator!
100
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,947
And don't you dare
get on that subsequent escalator!
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00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:48,136
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
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00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:55,110
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
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Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... Ready?
Plane to... Ready? Philadelphia.
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00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:02,052
- That is awesome.
- Hey, is that Marshall?
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00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:03,458
Marshall, stop whatever you're doing,
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00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,031
get in that hoopty-ass Fiero of yours
and come meet us in Philly.
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00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,429
It's gonna be legendary!
108
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,398
Man, I wish I could, guys...
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00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,266
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sent you
some pictures on my phone. Check it.
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00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,238
Philly!
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Admit it, you're having fun.
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This much... 35,000 feet of fun.
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Well, I didn't think
I'd be flying to Philadelphia
114
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,549
when I woke up this morning,
I'll give you that.
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Attaboy. Now let's go talk to those girls.
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Wait, wait. The seat-belt sign's on.
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Ted, you've been living your whole life
in a seat belt.
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It's time to unclick.
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00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:45,965
- Sir, seat-belt light's on.
- Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
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Well, I grew up in Park Slope.
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Oh, I love Park Slope.
When did you move to Manhattan?
122
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,340
- You're from Park Slope?
- No, she is.
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So, where are you from? Heaven?
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Yeah, I'm a ghost.
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I died 15 years ago, like that pick-up line.
126
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- God, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, believe me, I've been there.
127
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I have this line that I use
when guys come up... Check it out.
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Hey.
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You take this one,
I'll save it for the next one.
130
00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:23,207
- So, what brings you guys to Philly?
- We're visiting our boyfriends.
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I think Chris is gonna propose
this weekend.
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Isn't that great?
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So great.
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So, there we were,
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stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia
with two very un-single girls,
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00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,692
All thanks to your Uncle Barney,
137
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Aren't they cute?
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- They're both linebackers for the Eagles.
- Both!
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Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.
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You're going to Philly? Why?
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00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,276
I didn't ask.
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Well, it sounds like
you're having a lot more fun than I am.
143
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:05,409
I'm just talking to guys' backs
while they hit on Robin.
144
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,112
Well, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.
145
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,155
Don't you bet I get that a lot?
146
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:11,484
Not with a ring on your finger.
147
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:15,687
I mean, you know, guys see the ring,
it's, like, Marshall parking only.
148
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:18,455
Oh, of course. That's it. The ring.
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I guess I'm not used to it yet.
150
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,963
Oh, it's totally the ring.
If you took that ring off your finger
151
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,537
you'd have a ton of guys
crowding your junk.
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00:08:25,638 --> 00:08:27,572
I'm not gonna take off my ring.
153
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Wouldn't you be jealous of guys
swarming all over my beeswax?
154
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:34,872
Oh, yeah. You know me,
I'm the jealous type.
155
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:38,041
Any goon so much as looks at you,
I'll sock him in the kisser!
156
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No, seriously,
you girls have a good time tonight.
157
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:41,746
Bye.
158
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,651
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
159
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,862
Robin! Robin!
160
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Hey, I'm over here.
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00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,300
Going to Philly!
162
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,398
Marshall, don't come to Philly.
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00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,200
But we're on an adventure.
164
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,104
We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia.
165
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Crazy adventure.
166
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,239
Fine.
167
00:09:08,414 --> 00:09:11,747
No. No. The night has just started.
168
00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:14,649
Look, airport bar. Flight attendants.
169
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:17,279
They'll get your tray table
in its full, upright position.
170
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,621
- Say what?
- Passengers Mosby and Stinson?
171
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,250
Please come with us, gentlemen.
172
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:26,161
- Keep your hands where I can see them.
- Barney, I am going to kill you.
173
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:29,325
Don't say you're gonna kill someone
in front of airport security.
174
00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:30,902
Not cool. Not cool.
175
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,269
This is an outrage.
176
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,342
We are international businessmen
177
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:39,968
on a very important
international business trip.
178
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,445
I demand you release us immediately.
179
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,278
You demand?
No, no, no, no, he does not demand.
180
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,851
We have no demands.
181
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:49,217
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to remain calm.
182
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,449
Okay, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.
183
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:55,584
We've got footage of you placing two bags
on JFK carousel three,
184
00:09:55,695 --> 00:10:00,098
and abandoning them
to purchase a last-minute flight with cash.
185
00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:02,690
- Those bags were your responsibility.
- They were your bags.
186
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,201
Sir, please.
187
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,837
We're assessing the bag situation.
188
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,271
(BEEPING)
189
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,310
Look. This is all just...
It's a misunderstanding.
190
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:14,572
Please.
191
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,275
We are international businessmen.
192
00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:21,046
My colleague
accidentally left the bags there.
193
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:25,317
Now, please let us go before we miss
our international business meeting.
194
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,957
Can't remember the last time
I saw an international businessman
195
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:31,723
with an untucked shirt.
196
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:36,831
In addition, we received this footage,
taken over the last few months.
197
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:05,696
Believe it or not,
that duffle bag thing worked.
198
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,300
The truth is, my friend, he does this thing
199
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,803
where he goes to airports
with fake luggage to pick up girls.
200
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,805
And we followed some here
to Philadelphia.
201
00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:17,137
That's it. That's all this is.
202
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,806
Nobody's that lame.
203
00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:23,439
Yes, he's that lame.
Tell him you're that lame.
204
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:28,747
- We are international businessmen...
- Oh, come on!
205
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:32,051
Sir! Lower your voice or I will restrain you.
206
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:34,217
Dude, seriously, relax.
207
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,825
- We at least get to call our lawyer.
- Exactly.
208
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:40,323
We have a lawyer?
209
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,300
Listen to me.
You're both American citizens.
210
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:46,599
Don't let them pull any Patriot-Act voodoo.
You both retain the right
211
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,072
to refuse to answer any questions
without an attorney present.
212
00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,234
So don't say anything
until I get there, all right?
213
00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:52,571
Okay, goodbye.
214
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:04,756
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
215
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,417
Oh, it's ridiculous in here.
Why don't we go somewhere else?
216
00:12:07,526 --> 00:12:10,654
No. This place is great.
217
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,830
- What are you doing?
- What?
218
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,165
With your lips and everything?
219
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,933
My lips are always like this.
220
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,149
You had to play the race card.
221
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,214
Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong.
222
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:40,486
And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now
if you'd have tucked in your shirt.
223
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,755
Go ahead, JFK.
What is the baggage status?
224
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:46,593
They're clean.
It's just a whole bunch of condoms.
225
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:48,889
And a PowerBar.
226
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,263
You're free to go.
227
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,067
TED; Don't come to Philly,
228
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:57,540
- Man, I'm almost halfway there.
- Yeah, we just got released
229
00:12:57,643 --> 00:12:59,008
and we're heading back on the next flight.
230
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,272
Meet us at MacLaren's.
Maybe we can still make last call.
231
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:05,043
- Can't we just...
- No, we can't "just," we're going home.
232
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,511
- We're going to Sascha's.
- Who the hell is Sascha?
233
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,054
Sascha.
234
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:13,057
She's having friends over for drinks
at her house.
235
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,855
It's gonna be legend... Wait for it,
236
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,428
and I hope you're not lactose intolerant,
237
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,930
'cause the second half of that word
is "dairy."
238
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,829
- No!
- Legendary!
239
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:25,335
- Legendary? That sounds awesome!
- No, Marshall, we're going back.
240
00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:26,631
Fine.
241
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,900
Hold on, I have another call.
242
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,408
- Hello?
- Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.
243
00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:32,841
No, we're not.
244
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:36,477
Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. Yes, we are.
245
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:38,812
Sorry, buddy. Two against one.
246
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,348
- Look, a booth opened up.
- Really?
247
00:13:43,455 --> 00:13:46,322
Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk
and you're not listening to me,
248
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:48,791
- so I'm gonna walk away.
- Yeah, yeah, booth.
249
00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:55,430
- Hey.
- Hey.
250
00:13:56,468 --> 00:14:00,370
I'm engaged. You know, I'm sorry.
I took my ring off.
251
00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:03,600
It's very, very sweet of you
to come over and talk to me, but I just...
252
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,199
Yeah, I'm gay.
253
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:08,910
I just came over to let you know
that you sat on a grape.
254
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:12,614
Damn it!
255
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:18,956
So, Barney and I hit the town,
256
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,685
Philadelphia, PA,
257
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,819
Our first and only stop, Sascha's party,
258
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,023
(HORSE WHINNYING ON TV)
259
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,196
So, you're Sascha's friends, huh?
260
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,836
You know it.
261
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:39,042
(WHISPERING) You guys, keep the volume
down. You're gonna wake my grandpa.
262
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,305
Who wants hard lemonade?
263
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:51,713
Philly!
264
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,687
(WHISPERING) Philly.
265
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:04,460
Back at the bar, girls'night out
wasn't going as Robin had hoped,
266
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,901
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
267
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,976
- Lily's phone.
- Robin? Where's Lily?
268
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:17,678
- She's...
- Is she talking to some hot guy?
269
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:20,445
You can tell me. It's totally cool.
It was my idea.
270
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:22,452
Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.
271
00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:25,523
Really? Well, I thought it was
kind of weird, but if you're cool with it...
272
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,092
Yeah, it's off,
and she's talking to some guy.
273
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:32,425
- Do you want me to go over and...
- No! Don't interrupt. It's awesome.
274
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,359
So, the ring's really off, huh?
275
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,796
Awesome.
276
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:41,330
Well, just tell her I called
277
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,274
and tell her that she's awesome.
278
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:00,217
(CHOCKING)
279
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,061
Did you hear that, Ted?
Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
280
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,428
I do okay.
281
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:11,059
Wow, it must be
really well cordoned-off over there.
282
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,730
Do you ever go behind the rope
and touch it?
283
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,101
Only all the time.
284
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,539
You ever, like, stick your head inside it?
285
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:19,335
Yeah.
286
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,913
- Do you ever lick it?
- Nope.
287
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,408
I have never licked it.
288
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:30,620
I bet nobody in history
has ever licked the Liberty Bell.
289
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,257
If someone were to pull that off,
290
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:36,851
I dare say it would be... What's the word?
291
00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:40,665
- Well, this is my stop.
- Ted, legendary.
292
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:43,166
Barney, I'm going to the airport.
Sascha, thank you.
293
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:46,931
And tell your grandpa I'm sorry
I walked in on him in the bathroom.
294
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,735
I'll get some club soda for that stain.
295
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,477
Lily, I thought tonight
was about us hanging out?
296
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:57,844
What are you doing?
297
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:01,647
Just fending off the advances
of that totally hot guy.
298
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:05,281
- Dude, I think that guy is gay.
- I know that guy is gay.
299
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:08,386
It's just... Marshall and I
have been together for nine years.
300
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,860
I haven't been single since high school.
301
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,294
You wanna be single?
302
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:15,856
You wanna fight off loser guys all night?
Does that seem like fun to you?
303
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,335
I guess I just wanted to throw this net
back into the ocean
304
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,906
and see how many fish I could catch.
305
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,441
So far, one. One gay dolphin.
306
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,711
And Marshall.
307
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,539
Lily, all these girls here tonight
308
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:31,241
are all hoping to catch
what you've already got.
309
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,147
You're right. I know.
310
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:37,782
Hey, do you wanna go get coffee
and have an actual conversation?
311
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:41,553
If by coffee you mean cheesecake,
then yes.
312
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,261
Hey, I got the club soda.
Let's see that booty.
313
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,025
Thank you so much.
314
00:17:51,336 --> 00:17:52,598
You wanna mess, pal?
315
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,298
That's my fiancée's hot backside
that you're dabbing!
316
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,671
- Marshall, no!
- Baby, please.
317
00:17:57,776 --> 00:18:01,007
Don't ever take that ring off again,
no matter how awesome I say that it is.
318
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:02,876
- It's okay, man.
- Back off, hombre!
319
00:18:02,981 --> 00:18:04,812
I'm not that afraid to fight you!
320
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,750
You wanna test this, guy?
Be my guest, come on.
321
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:09,616
Marshall, he's gay.
322
00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:12,485
Oh, thank God.
I've never been in a fight before.
323
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,148
You don't say.
324
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,896
So, it turned out Uncle Marshall
really was the jealous type,
325
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:21,864
Unfortunately, that guy's boyfriend?
Also the jealous type,
326
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:24,997
(LILY EXCLAIMS)
327
00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:35,044
Could've licked the Liberty Bell.
328
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,840
We're going to the airport.
329
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:40,485
Bong.
330
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,021
Bong.
331
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,717
Why do I hang out with you? Why?
332
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:49,794
All I wanted was to have a regular beer
at my regular bar,
333
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,728
with my regular friends in my regular city.
334
00:18:52,831 --> 00:18:54,355
Ted, Ted, Ted.
335
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,794
- You're not even looking.
- No, I'm not.
336
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:02,739
Look, our forefathers died
for the pursuit of happiness. Okay?
337
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,867
Not for
the sit-around-and-wait of happiness.
338
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,505
Now, if you want, you can go to
the same bar, drink the same beer,
339
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:14,143
talk to the same people every day.
Or you can lick the Liberty Bell.
340
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:19,220
You can grab life by the crack
and lick the crap out of it.
341
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,025
That was beautiful, man.
342
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,427
Thanks, Leonard.
343
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:28,424
Ted, you're missing out
on a valuable life lesson here.
344
00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:32,163
Look, I don't need you to teach me
how to live, okay? I know how to live.
345
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:35,240
If you wanna go lick the Liberty Bell,
just go lick it yourself.
346
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:38,673
- No. It has to be the two of us.
- Why? Why do you need me?
347
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:41,245
Because you're my best friend, all right?
348
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:46,250
You don't have to tell me I'm yours.
But the way I see it, we're a team.
349
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:50,885
Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno,
350
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,351
So, fine.
351
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:57,724
If you wanna go home, then we'll go home.
352
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,724
(SIGHING)
353
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:05,197
Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.
354
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,528
Good, 'cause we're here.
355
00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:11,737
I had no idea how Barney redirected
the cab without me knowing,
356
00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:13,811
but we got out, Dana let us in,
357
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:16,642
and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell,
358
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:19,648
- And you know what it tastes like?
- What?
359
00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:22,448
Freedom.
360
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:25,354
No, actually it tastes like pennies.
361
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:28,660
Oh, my God. Did you guys really do that?
362
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,227
OLDER TED; We really did,
363
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:33,298
And that was when I realized
why I hung out with Barney,
364
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:38,028
I never got where I thought I wanted to go,
but I always got a great story,
365
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,375
So, that girl you were talking to,
that was Mom?
366
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:47,036
Kids, every story in a man's life
is like a dot
367
00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:49,909
- in an impressionist painting, and when...
- So that's a no?
368
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:51,676
Yeah, that's a no.
369
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:53,942
What? Come on.