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[***]
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CHRIS ROCK:
When I was a teenager,
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I discovered
a lot of new things.
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I discovered sour milk
doesn't always become yogurt.
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I discovered the barber
who's always available
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isn't always the best.
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[SCREAMING]
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Next!
I also discovered
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00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,233
that if
you hit people with a truck,
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00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:34,834
they will do
anything you want.
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[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
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Another thing I discovered
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is if you're gonna buy
cheap furniture,
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you better stock up
on Krazy Glue.
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How come this table
keeps wobbling?
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I don't know. Your daddy
was supposed to fix it.
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Chris, go get
your father's Krazy Glue.
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If we didn't have Krazy Glue,
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thiswould have
happened to our house.
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And I also discovered
something
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that would
change my life forever.
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Playboymagazine?
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[***]
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* Aw, make it funky now
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[***]
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DiscoveringPlayboy
changed my life.
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It was a foldout
of the most beautiful women,
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with jokes on the back,
football stats, cars
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and an interview
with McLean Stevenson.
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I thought Keisha was cute,
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but I'd push her
in front of a gas truck
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to get to Miss June.
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Oh, my God, this kicks ass
on the Sears catalog.
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Does your dad know
you took this?
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I gotta get it back
before he finds out it's gone.
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Wow. Is that aPlayboy?
None of your business.
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Now get out of here.
Come on.
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I'll give you a dollar to look.
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Okay, fine.
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Right here, one minute.
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Greg, give it to him.
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Who knew you could make money
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off of naked women?
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[GROANING]
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What?
Ugh.
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The truck break down again?
Ugh, no.
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I tried to kill a spider, broke
the handle off the dresser.
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Spider?
Yeah.
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00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,539
I don't know
where they're coming from,
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00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:53,973
but we gotta do something.
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Drew is scared
to death of spiders.
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My brother Drew
wasn't scared of anything,
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but after he sawThe Fly,
he was terrified of spiders.
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[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING
ON TV]
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[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]
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[DREW WHIMPERING]
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CHRIS ROCK:
I don't want
to tell you what happened
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after he sawUrban Cowboy.
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Okay, I-I'll go get
some bug spray after work.
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00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,800
Okay. Where's the Krazy Glue
so I can fix this?
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It should be in my toolbox.
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Okay.
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No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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What's wrong with you?
Let me fix it.
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I know what to do
with Krazy Glue.
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00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:31,978
It's trickier
than you might think.
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You might glue your fingers
together. Let me do it.
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Okay then, damn.
Okay. Thank you. Okay.
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My father knew
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00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,755
that if my mother
ever found thatPlayboy,
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he'd probably never
see a naked woman again.
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Unfortunately,
he couldn't find it either.
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I soon discovered that trying
to keep aPlayboymagazine
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00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,602
from a teenage boy
is like trying
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00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:57,604
to keep diamond teeth
from a rapper.
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00:03:57,637 --> 00:04:00,473
Somebody's gonna get that
money, might as well be me.
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Quarter a peek and...
you're done.
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You're next. A dollar a look,
a quarter a peek.
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Thank you.
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00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:08,848
Okay, time's up. Next.
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I'm next.
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I found the one thing
that united the races:
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women.
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Thanks, Mantan.
Hey, give it back.
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00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:20,060
That's my dad's.
Like your father can read.
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My father could ask
my mother
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if anybody
had been in the toolbox,
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but he knew questions
made my mother suspicious.
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Can I go play over
at Tricia's house?
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00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,105
What you need to go
over her house for?
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00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,773
What you gonna do there
you can't do here?
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00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,910
And why you acting
all suspicious?
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Oh. Hey, Mom, what time is it?
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00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,080
What you need
to know the time for?
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What are you gonna do,
rob a bank?
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00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,616
You're acting suspicious.
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Can I have more potatoes?
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What you need
more potatoes for?
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Boy, you getting high?
You starting to act suspicious.
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Julius, what are you doing?
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Uh... Huh? Uh...
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I-I thought I saw a spider
crawl under here,
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and I figured I'd better
kill it before Drew saw it.
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Well, I'm going to the store
to pick up stuff for dinner.
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I'll get a can of bug spray too.
Okay.
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Did you fix the dresser yet?
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00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,911
Uh, got
the Krazy Glue right here.
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Oh, good.
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You okay?
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No.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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The only place my father
hadn't looked for thatPlayboy
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was in his own room.
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Then he realized
that if my mother found it,
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she could be saving it
to use against him.
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00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,734
Rochelle, why'd you spend
all this money on a coat?
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Miss June has one.
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[***]
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Five hundred dollars?
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Hey.
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What do you want, Tito?
I need the magazine back.
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You need to get out of here
before I knock your teeth out.
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My dad's gonna kill
me if I don't get it back.
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Too bad. I sold it.
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See you at your funeral,
Slappy.
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After my father found that
money, he was scared to think
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what my mother might
want to do with it.
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I'm sick of you.
I got my own money.
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I'm out of here,
you cheap bastard!
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Baby.
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Don't leave me, baby.
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Don't leave.
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Rochelle.
Can you explain this?
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Where did you find that?
In your shoe.
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What were you doing in my shoe?
Don't try to change the subject.
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What's $500 doing in your shoe?
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Where'd you get this?
That doesn't make a difference.
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I want to know why you
were going through my stuff.
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I don't go
through your stuff.
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Yes, she does.
He just never caught her.
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Rochelle, that's not the point.
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I just wanna know
about this money.
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You meanmymoney?
What you mean, your money?
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I made it, I saved it,
so it's my money.
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Let me get this straight.
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The money I make,
that's everybody's money,
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but the money you make,
that's your money?
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That's right.
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Hey, any of you guys
see my copy ofPlayboy?
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It was here about
10 minutes ago,
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but some eighth grader took it.
Look over there.
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They were huddled up
like they were gonna run
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the winning play
at the Super Bowl.
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What are you doing?
Hey, calm down.
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Wanna take a look? It's $1.00.
But it's my magazine.
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Caruso took it.
And that's my problem?
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All right, who wants
to look next?
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Hey, Chris!
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[***]
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Oh! Ooh!
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Oh...
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To whom does this belong?
It used to belong to me.
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Well, then. Until we figure out
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who brought this
into our school,
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I guess it belongs to me.
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* Everybody hates Chris
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What's all that bug spray
in the kitchen for?
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There's a spider in your room.
There's a spider in my room?
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Can I sleep with you
until you guys catch it?
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No. Your father will kill it.
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CHRIS ROCK:
When Tonya discovered
Drew was scared of spiders,
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she couldn't wait
to use it against him.
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Julius, can you make sure
you kill the spider, please?
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I might not
be able to find it.
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Could be hiding
in one of your shoes.
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[SHRIEKS]
[LAUGHS]
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It's my hand.
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Julius, how come you're acting
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so childish about this?
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How would you feel if somebody
went through your stuff
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and took something
that belonged to you?
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What? I don't have
nothing to take.
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I'm just saying. What if Chris
went through your stuff
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00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,611
and took something?
Why'd you pick me?
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00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,813
Why not Drew or Tonya?
Why you acting suspicious?
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00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,248
Suspicious? I'm not suspicious.
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00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:12,018
Well, you sure as hell
acting like it. Eat your food.
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Ah!
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Later that night
I discovered
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00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,694
my father knew
hisPlayboywas missing.
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Chris. You been in my toolbox?
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00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,634
No. Why?
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00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,669
Uh, nothing.
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00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,237
Those tools will hurt you.
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00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:34,307
If Miss June knew how much
trouble she was causing,
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00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,775
she wouldn't be smiling.
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00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,678
Drew. Have you seen, uh...
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00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,317
anything...unusual
around here lately?
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00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,319
Like what, a UFO?
201
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,855
What? Now, why would a UFO...?
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00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,991
Never mind.
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00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:57,397
He even started to grill Tonya.
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00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,967
Tonya, baby?
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00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,769
Yes, Daddy?
206
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,739
Um...
207
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,710
I love you.
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00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,947
That's nice.
209
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,816
The vice principal had
my magazine, but I had money,
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00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,219
so I figured replacing it
wouldn't be a problem.
211
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,854
Three fifty.
212
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,194
Now get out of here,
before I call a cop.
213
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:31,164
For what? You just robbed me!
This don't cost $3.50.
214
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,099
Really?
Then why don't we call your mom
215
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,968
and tell her you're trying
to buy aPlayboy?
216
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,736
Hey, Miss June was fine,
217
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:39,005
but she wasn't worth going
to jail.
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00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,908
[SIGHS]
219
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:43,777
My last option
was to go to Risky.
220
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:47,847
Since all his stuff was stolen,
I knew he wouldn't call a cop.
221
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,016
He'd get you liquor.
It's for my uncle.
222
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,385
Yeah, don't drink it
all at once.
223
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,355
He'd get you cigarettes.
It's for my mother.
224
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,924
Yeah, don't smoke them
all at once.
225
00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:59,325
He could even get
plutonium.
226
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,326
[BOX CLICKING]
227
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,928
It's for my daughter.
228
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,499
So I figured
I wouldn't have a problem.
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00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,368
Playboymagazine?
230
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,937
I ain't selling you
noPlayboymagazine.
231
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,339
Boy, what you think this is?
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00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,974
I know your mama.
Now, how do you think she'd feel
233
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,410
if she knew you were trying
to buy aPlayboymagazine?
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00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:20,013
If you want beer or cigarettes,
that's one thing.
235
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:24,184
APlayboymagazine?
You better keep on moving.
236
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,219
Tell your mama I said hey.
237
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:29,923
I want Wild Cherry to win
in the fifth race at Saratoga.
238
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,294
If I was going to get
thePlayboyback,
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00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,062
there was only one way
to do it.
240
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,765
I've gotta steal it from
the vice principal's office.
241
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:41,234
Dude, wait. That's burglary.
I know that.
242
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,304
Want me to commit burglary
or be a victim of murder?
243
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,473
Okay, but if we're going
outside the law,
244
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,841
we've got to do it right.
245
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,744
[***]
246
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,119
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
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00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,280
That's it then.
Every day she goes to lunch
248
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,382
in the teachers' lounge
after fifth period.
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00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,152
She smokes three cigarettes,
which takes 20 minutes.
250
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,487
All we have to do is get in,
find the magazine
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00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,156
and get out
before she gets back.
252
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,391
Except we don't know
where the magazine is.
253
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,926
Fischer told me it was
254
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,928
in the bottom left-hand
drawer of her desk.
255
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,229
I hope he's right.
256
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,232
Don't worry,
Fischer knows everything.
257
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,867
What if we get caught?
258
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,202
Then we're dead.
259
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:50,970
I was really hoping you
weren't gonna say that.
260
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,406
Don't worry.
I'll go in and get it.
261
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,075
It's my magazine.
262
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,976
All you have to do
is give me a signal
263
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,511
if you see anybody coming.
264
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,980
I hope this works.
Me too.
265
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:04,351
[SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS ON TV]
266
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:06,052
Drew, guess what I found?
267
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,455
[ANNOYED]
What?
268
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,856
[SCREAMS]
269
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:12,258
What the hell
is going on in here?
270
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,993
Tonya has a spider.
No, I don't.
271
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,529
Tonya, what are you hiding?
272
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,865
It's just a ring.
273
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:20,433
Leave Drew alone.
274
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,036
Would you like it if he went
around scaring you?
275
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,271
He can't scare me.
I like spiders.
276
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,341
And I ain't scared of nothing.
Mm-hm.
277
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,513
There was only one thing
Tonya was scared of...
278
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,282
and Drew knew it.
279
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,251
[***]
280
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,631
Here.
281
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,469
What's this?
My $500--
282
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:59,906
I mean,our$500.
283
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,307
So why you giving it to me now?
284
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,577
'Cause I don't wanna
fight anymore.
285
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,312
Baby...
286
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,982
I don't wanna
fight anymore either.
287
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,251
But why'd you feel you had
to hide money from me?
288
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,520
I wasn't really hiding it.
I was just...
289
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,055
keeping it in a safe place
290
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,357
in case something happened.
Like what?
291
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,292
Julius, you work hard,
292
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,394
and we barely make
ends meet now.
293
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,930
I mean, God forbid
something happens to you.
294
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:29,369
I mean, you could get hit by
a postal truck or a gas truck.
295
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:33,073
Get run over by a car,
get high blood pressure,
296
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:36,142
get the flu, gout,
297
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:40,213
pneumonia,
scoliosis, scurvy.
298
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:42,215
You could fall off
a building,
299
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:46,953
trip off the escalator,
get jumped, get stabbed.
300
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:52,625
You could get
MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.
301
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,294
What's that?
I don't know,
302
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,296
but it sounds
like it'll kill you.
303
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,965
Look, baby, I just
wanted a cushion
304
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,601
to fall back on, that's all.
305
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,370
Is that all?
306
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,404
Yeah.
307
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:06,940
Come here.
308
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,513
Here.
309
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:16,349
Take your money, put it away.
310
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,450
I'm sorry.
311
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:24,991
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
312
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,430
You go in my shoe again,
I'm gonna knock your ass out.
313
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,399
[BOTH LAUGH]
314
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,401
[***]
315
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,708
[SCREAMING]
316
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,247
JULIUS:
You got that?!
317
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,149
If I ever catch you
scaring your sister
318
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,418
or wearing lipstick,
we gonna have a problem.
319
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,652
You hear me?
320
00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:55,155
All right, baby,
you can go back to bed now.
321
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,323
I changed your sheets.
322
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,028
You ready?
Yeah.
323
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,800
Walkie-talkies?
The range is only 100 feet,
324
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,702
so I'll stay close.
325
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:12,339
[***]
326
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,459
Man!
327
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,733
Come on. The hallway's
getting empty.
328
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,267
I can't stay here
much longer.
329
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:44,237
I'm hurrying!
Just keep an eye out!
330
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,353
I've got it.
331
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:06,359
Abort, abort!
Perimeter not secure!
332
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,394
Oh, no!
333
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,363
Greg?
334
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,598
Greg?
335
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,366
Forget it.
336
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:22,175
Well, I guess we know to whom
this magazine belongs.
337
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,643
The last place I wanted
my father
338
00:17:23,677 --> 00:17:26,646
to find hisPlayboy
was at my school.
339
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,616
I confiscated this.
340
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,552
Playboy?Well, what does
Chris have to do with that?
341
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,454
MILONE:
Somebody brought it
to school,
342
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,356
and I believe it was your son.
343
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,525
Chris?
344
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,261
Is this true?
I wanted to lie,
345
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:43,196
but my mother always told me
if I did,
346
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,232
she'd slap me
into another nationality.
347
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,405
Well, I'm waiting.
348
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,306
Yeah.
349
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,275
Oh, Lord, have mercy.
350
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:56,876
Heh-heh.
Hey, it's justPlayboy.
351
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,547
I mean, it really doesn't
matter. Boys will be boys.
352
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:04,718
Is that all you have to say?
"Boys will be boys"?!
353
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,822
Chris, where did you get
aPlayboyfrom, anyway?
354
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,925
That look means, "Boy, I know
I've never asked you to lie,
355
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:17,263
but please don't tell your
mother that that's myPlayboy."
356
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:19,432
I found it?
357
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:24,270
Usually, I would suspend you
for this sort of behavior,
358
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,506
but I think this is
best handled by the parents.
359
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,442
You best believe we're going
to handle it, right, Julius?
360
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,578
Yeah, we gonna handle this.
361
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,347
I'll take that.
What you going to do with it?
362
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,850
Here's what
he really wanted to do.
363
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,919
[***]
364
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,589
[CAR HORN BLARING]
365
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,860
I'll dispose of it.
366
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,328
Yeah.
367
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,630
Yeah, that's...
That's a good idea.
368
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:51,898
Disposing is good.
369
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,602
Come out here, boy.
Unh!
370
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,471
One of the ways I always tried
to avoid getting beatings
371
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,441
was pretending to be asleep.
372
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,611
Get up, boy.
You ain't fooling nobody.
373
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,647
I'm sorry
I took your magazine, Dad.
374
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,218
You shouldn't take other
people's things, Chris.
375
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:13,753
That's why I put it away.
376
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:16,289
But also, you're too young
for that stuff.
377
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,324
Yeah, but it's just pictures.
378
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,694
Look how much trouble
"just pictures" caused you.
379
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,429
You got chased,
your mama's mad,
380
00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,330
and you almost got
kicked out of school.
381
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,966
That's when I discovered that
even if they're made of paper,
382
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,736
the wrong kind of woman
can really mess up your life.
383
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,772
Look, I know
you're interested in girls,
384
00:19:32,806 --> 00:19:34,908
but there's a lot
for you to learn first.
385
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:37,677
If you never need anything,
you can talk to me.
386
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:39,913
But don't go in my toolbox.
387
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,448
After that, my father started
388
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:42,949
hiding things
in his fish tackle box.
389
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,385
I never told him I found it
the next day.
390
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,288
I promise. Things didn't
turn out that bad, though.
391
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:51,558
I made $28 off thatPlayboy.
392
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,895
My magazine, my money.
393
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:59,265
Here, you can keep that.
394
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:03,303
* Everybody hates Chris
395
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:09,476
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
396
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:15,315
[***]
397
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:18,418
* Aw, make it funky now