[***]
Chris, how many times do I have to tell you
to quit leaving this damn yo-yo on the floor?
What are you trying to do, kill me?
I forgot where I left it.
Well, will you remember when I fall
down the steps and break my neck?
NARRATOR: Sometimes it felt like all my mother did
was yell at everybody. [DOOR SLAMS]
Tonya, close the door!
You trying to freeze the whole house?
Drew, turn that mess down!
You trying to make everybody in the house go deaf?
And get your feet off my table.
Julius!
Pick up your drawers!
Do I have to do everything around here?
NARRATOR: And when I say my mother yelled at everybody, I mean everybody.
Rochelle, what did I tell me?
Are you trying to drive me crazy?
NARRATOR: But there was one person
who always put my mother in a good mood.
Daddy!
NARRATOR: My mother loved her daddy, and we did too.
Oh, where's Mama?
Oh, I left her at the hair dresser.
Where are them grandkids of mine?
Where they at? Hey!
NARRATOR: My grandfather was a great storyteller.
And he didn't think I was playing
when I smacked him in the head with that brick.
Until this day,
when I go in there, my food is free.
[ALL LAUGH]
Oh, man, do you have any more good jokes?
Do I got any more good jokes?
Come on, now! Knock, knock.
Who's there? Pass me them pork chops.
Pass me them pork chops who?
No, pass me them pork chops right there.
[ALL LAUGH] He got you!
I ain't playing with you.
What's the rest of the joke, Grandpa?
Ooh! Okay, knock, knock.
Who's there?
Oh, Lordy.
Oh, Lordy who? [ALL LAUGHING]
I'm dying.
I'm dying who?
I'm...having a heart...
You're having a heart who?
Daddy? [ALL LAUGHING]
ROCHELLE Daddy.
Daddy?
NARRATOR: I never did find out who was there.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
NARRATOR: My grandfather passing away was the first time
I had to deal with a death in the family.
I didn't know how to react,
and I guess my mother didn't, either,
because instead of doing this...
Damn. Damn. Damn!
[CRYING]
NARRATOR: ...she did this...
Good morning, everybody.
NARRATOR: I hadn't seen my mother that happy
since Lionel Richie went solo.
I can't believe Gene is gone.
I can't believe he never finished that joke.
I'm never eating pork chops again.
I can't believe he died sitting right here.
Everybody has to die someplace.
Now eat your eggs.
TONYA: I hate eggs.
Can I have some toast?
Sure, Tonya. No problem.
Hey, Mom, uh, do I have to go to school today?
NARRATOR: Usually, the only death
that could keep us out of school was our own.
Not if you don't want to. Cool.
Chris, do you want to stay home from school today?
No, I have a quiz.
Oh.
Can I stay home too? Sure.
NARRATOR: I didn't know what was wrong
with my mother, but at that moment,
all I could think of doing was this...
Snap out of it, woman!
Well, everybody have a nice day.
[HUMMING]
That was weird.
Man, your grandfather died?
That's rough.
I had a parakeet that died once.
I cried for three weeks.
My mom is acting really strange.
You mean strange like...
There's a TV in my head!
Oh! Ow!
Please, just make it stop!
NARRATOR: Even the crackheads would be scared of that.
No.
She's just really nice.
[BELL RINGS]
So were you guys close? Yeah.
Chris, why don't you stand up and tell the rest of the class
what you're discussing with Gregory.
My grandfather died. Chris, that's not funny.
What are you gonna do when your grandfather dies for real?
Just because you didn't study for a test
doesn't mean you can go killing off your family.
Who's next? Your father, your mother?
Why don't you kill your sister or your brother?
He's telling the truth.
[***]
Oh.
Oh, Chris...
Wait...you believe him?
Of course. And not me?
Well, Chris, your grandfather died.
You might say anything.
What are you even doing here? Bring me your paper.
Don't worry about the test.
You're excused.
NARRATOR: In honor of my grandfather,
I should have hit her with a brick.
Hi, Mama. You look good.
NARRATOR: And that's my grandmother, Maxine.
She was the only woman who could out-snob my mother.
Your hair smells funny.
Are you still using that cheap perm?
Dark and Lovely, hmm?
Look at mine. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Good to see you too, Mama.
NARRATOR: That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey,
because we only saw her at funerals.
No birthdays, no weddings. Just funerals.
Girl, I haven't seen you since Cheryl's funeral.
[SOBBING]
I know, I know, I know...
Grievey, stop crying. Come on.
Okay, okay, let me go.
Grievey!
Come on, come on.
Come on.
NARRATOR: That's Aunt Mousey.
We called her that because she talked like a mouse
and she only spoke when spoken directly to.
Hi, Aunt Mousey.
How you doing?
Fine. Huh?
NARRATOR: My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job.
He put the "um" in "bum."
Hey, sis, how you doing?
Good. Y'all got something to eat?
Yeah, we just--
NARRATOR: I think he saw a job chasing him.
Hey, Shaft.
That's too bad about your grandpa.
Sorry.
Really?
Yeah. I mean...
who's going to teach you how to tap dance now?
NARRATOR: Later that day, he beat up a Chinese kid in my honor.
Oh, here you are.
Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.
Good to see you.
I'm going to, uh, take
Michael and Charlotte upstairs to get situated.
Are you okay, Mousey? Fine.
Okay.
Um, come on, upstairs, follow me.
Julius, shouldn't you be at work already?
Hey, you know, I'm on my way.
Oh.
I just came by to say hi real quick.
How are you?
Well as can be expected.
You know, Gene and I were married for 40 years.
I hope Rochelle and me make it that far.
The way she keeps this house,
I'm surprised you haven't left already.
NARRATOR: My grandmother always criticized everything
my mother did. Mama, you like my coat?
It's all leather.
Oh...feels rubbery.
Feel mine.
Italian leather.
NARRATOR: At home, even though my mother seemed
to be keeping it together, the house was falling apart.
Rochelle, can you change the channel?
Sure, no problem.
NARRATOR: They were treating her like she was me!
Rochelle, you going to help me pick out this casket,
or do I have to do it by myself?
Sure, Mama, I'll help you in a minute.
Oh, Chellie, get me a glass of iced tea.
Sure, Mama.
[SNIFFLING]
Tea for Mom...turtles.
[OBJECT THUDS]
Damn it! What?
NARRATOR: You ever had the feeling you're about to get smacked
upside the head with a yo-yo?
Here, baby. Be more careful.
You're not mad?
No. Why would I be mad?
Here, Mama.
Ooh!
This tea tastes funny.
What kind is it?
I think it's Lipton.
Mm-mm, tastes like Nestea.
It's Lipton.
[***]
Ick.
Hey.
Want a turtle?
NARRATOR: My mother offering me a turtle?
In her world, that's a cry for help.
Mm, no thanks.
Mm.
You okay, Ma?
I'm fine.
You sure you don't want a turtle?
[***]
Mmm...
What was that for?
I just wanted to let you know that I love you.
NARRATOR: Since my father was working extra hours
and my mother wasn't being herself,
I decided to pick up the slack the best way I knew how.
Tonya, you go make up your bed.
Drew, you clean up in here.
Sitting in here playing cards...
NARRATOR: This was gonna be harder than I thought.
[***]
Turn that mess down!
You trying to make everyone in the house deaf?
Take your feet off the table.
Rochelle, tomorrow, we're going
to the funeral home to pick out a casket.
Please dress presentably.
I don't want him to think that we can't afford
a decent casket. Sure, Mama.
You okay, baby? You need to sit down?
Oh, no, I'm fine.
NARRATOR: As bad as she felt, I didn't know
it was about to get worse.
Mm!
Rochelle, can't you make
a decent glass of iced tea?
Well, can't you leave her alone?
It's iced tea!
If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it!
If you're not, don't!
NARRATOR: I might be joining my grandfather
sooner than I thought. Are you gonna sit there
and let that boy talk to me like that?
Boy, don't you know I'll knock you
into another family?
Who are you?
You don't want to know.
* Everybody hates Chris
Hey, man.
Hey.
Chris...
you know you're going to have to apologize to your grandmother.
How come? She's the one who's been mean to Mom.
She's hurting, Chris, and your mother is too.
I know you're trying to protect your mother,
but trust me, you do not want to get between the two of them.
You ain't gonna win that one.
I'm already going to one funeral.
I ain't trying to go to another.
Well, then what do I do?
Do what I do: nothing.
Things will work out.
All right?
Apologize.
NARRATOR: You can't really believe
you're getting married until you buy that tux.
And you can't really believe somebody is dead
until you've got to buy them a casket.
Now, we have several models.
This one right over here,
top of the line.
Made of mahogany, huh?
Has silk lining
over goose-down bedding...
and a night light.
NARRATOR: I guess that's in case the dead want to read.
Well, Mama, what about the blue one?
Oh, the blue one is nice.
I don't like it. She don't like that one.
It's a coffin, not an Oldsmobile.
I like that one.
Good taste.
Uh, Maxine,
that costs a lot of money.
Now, we got payment plans.
Well, can we put it in my father-in-law's name?
Well...no.
I didn't think so.
Okay, Mama,
whatever you want. Oh, okay.
Um, Rochelle,
even if we split this five ways,
that's still a lot of money.
Who's talking about splitting it?
Well, I just assumed we'd all chip in.
I mean, it is your husband.
Julius, I want to help out.
What's this? It's a baseball card.
Al Oliver. He played in Pittsburgh.
Lifetime 330 hitter.
That card is going to be worth thousands of dollars someday.
How much is it worth now?
About a dollar.
I got $40 saved up.
What about you, Aunt Mousey?
I have some quarters.
NARRATOR: Too bad he won't be playing Asteroids.
Mama, I just don't think
that we can afford this right now.
Why not?
Baby, you always bragging
about how your husband has two jobs.
I do not.
I do not need this. My man has two jobs.
My husband has two jobs.
I don't need to be here right now.
I do not need this! My man has two jobs, okay?
My husband deserves to be buried with dignity.
Now, who are you to deny me that?
Mama, we're not trying to deny you--
--dignity, I mean--
You only die once.
[SOBBING]
You owe it to your father to let him go in style.
Fine! Fine!
You do whatever the hell you want.
Mama... Come on!
Mama, I wasn't trying--
MICHAEL: I'm coming, Mama.
Rochelle, you wrong.
Poor baby.
[CLEARS THROAT]
We'll take the blue one.
My daddy liked blue.
[***]
I always hated that picture.
It made me look like I got smacked
in the head with a brick.
Oh, hi, Daddy.
You want a turtle?
No, but how you doing?
I'm okay.
Mama's getting on my last nerve.
Oh, she can do that.
She used to get on my nerves too.
You know, just because I'm dead
doesn't mean you have to let her push you around.
And if she tries to do that,
you smack her in the head with that brick.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
NARRATOR: By the day of the funeral,
there was still one thing left to fight over:
who gets to ride in the limo.
[SCREAMING]
Who are you, and what are you doing in here?
Hey, I'm Monay, this is Aisha, and this is Tiki.
We saw the limo so we had to hop in it.
Where y'all about to go?
A funeral.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who died?
My husband.
Oh.
Okay, well, when y'all get back,
and if y'all not taking the limo...
can we take it to the club?
Okay.
[GIGGLES]
NARRATOR: The only thing more crowded than a limo before the funeral
is your house after the funeral.
Hey, what are you doing here?
My dad dropped me off to pay my respects.
Thanks, man. He had to go to work.
Mama! Come look!
Chris has got a white friend.
Michael, close your mouth.
Stop acting like you never seen a white person before.
Hi, honey. You hungry?
You want something to eat?
Sure.
Well, come on.
No, thank you.
How about a slinky? Would you like a slinky?
[ALL CHATTERING]
I left a whole load of sloppies
in the kitchen for you guys.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Chris, I got a new video game at the store.
Okay.
Next time someone dies, let me know.
I'll get you a good deal on a casket.
Man, what is your problem?
Sorry about your grandfather, Chris.
NARRATOR: The one good thing about losing a family member
is that you get lots of sympathy.
What are you doing?
My grandfather died.
Just because your grandfather died
doesn't mean you can go around hugging people.
Sorry about your grandfather.
NARRATOR: At least somebody was getting some sympathy.
Who is that? I don't know.
Hey, little dude from across the street,
here you go, man.
What's this?
I robbed your grandfather a few times.
I didn't know you knew him.
[SIGHS]
My turtles.
[***]
Who ate my turtles?
Oh, is that what you call them things?
I ate them, but they was nasty.
What's in those things, anyway?
If you didn't like them, why did you eat them?
Mama, I am sick of you.
Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining.
Just because Daddy is dead
does not mean that you can come into my house
and tell everybody what to do.
Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch
before I slap the jam out of your toes.
Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying.
You cried on Easter.
You cried on Halloween.
You cried on Flag Day.
Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose,
'cause it ain't that damn sad.
[SOBBING]
And hang up my phone!
And Aunt Mousey,
take off your coat
and speak up.
You're over there peeping and squeaking.
[IMITATES SQUEAKING] You sound like a damn rat.
Use your words!
You're damn near 60 years old!
And, Mama, the next time you want
to eat my turtles, the least you could do is like them.
[DOOR SLAMS]
NARRATOR: She's back!
[***]
Hey.
Hey, baby.
How you doing?
I'm fine.
I brought you your turtles.
Yay, turtles. Thank you.
I'm proud of you for standing up to your mother.
You had me worried there for a minute.
Why?
I thought you were about to smack her with a brick.
[BOTH LAUGH]
It's so good seeing you, girl.
You take care.
You owe me some Kleenex.
See you later, thanks for all the chicken and things.
All right, and stay out of them pretzels. Bye.
So...
[SIGHS]
Did he say anything before he died?
Who, Daddy?
No, Martin Luther King.
Yes, your father. Did he mention me?
No, he just asked for more pork chops.
NARRATOR: I know what you're thinking: "She should have lied."
But actually, the truth was better.
Figures.
I liked the flowers.
You liked them? I guess so.
NARRATOR: I know that doesn't seem like much of an apology
after everything that's happened,
but here's what she really meant to say...
Baby, I am so proud of you.
I know.
You are doing a wonderful job.
I know!
I wish my no-good son would stand up for me
the way your son stood up for you. I know!
And your father-- Oh, he would be so proud of you.
I know!
Well, Mama, why are you so damn mean?
I don't know.
And baby, your hair, it don't stink.
I know.
See you around.
Take care, Mama.
[***]
That's all of it.
Oh, thank you, baby.
I'm really going to miss him, Mom.
Me too, Chris. Me too.
Chris, get in here and pick up this yo-yo!
My father died, for goodness sake,
and now you're trying to kill me too!
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now