[***]
NARRATOR: In my house, everyone had a job.
It was my father's job to pay the bills.
I'm hungry. And I'm cold.
I'm hungry and cold.
Eat a piece of cracker.
Your father's coming.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
I've got the money.
[ALL CHEERING]
NARRATOR: It was my mother's job to keep the house and the kids in line.
Boy.
Quit leaving your socks all over the place.
Boy, mop the floor.
Girl, clean up the table.
Good job, baby.
NARRATOR: As kids, we only had one job:
go to school and get decent grades.
KIDS: Bye, Mommy. Love you.
Have a good day. Don't come home stupid.
KIDS: We won't.
NARRATOR: I could usually get a good grade
just by talking about Dr. Martin Luther King.
Free at last, free at last.
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.
NARRATOR: In English class...
My book report is on Dr. Martin Luther King.
NARRATOR: In history...
My history report is on the Birmingham Bus Boycott
led by Dr. Martin Luther King.
The only place Martin Luther King didn't work
was in math.
Chris, what's the square root of 144?
[***]
1963? The same year that Dr. Martin Luther King
led the March on Washington?
No, it's 12.
[BELL RINGS]
All right, class.
Pick up your report cards on the way out
and bring them back signed tomorrow.
Oh, no. What?
I got an F.
Aw, man. That's rough.
What's your mom gonna say?
I don't know, but it ain't gonna be "Free at last."
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
Look at my babies! Drew, you got a B-plus in gym.
Good job! You can have whatever you want for dinner.
Really? Thanks, Mom. Mm-hmm.
Uh, can I have pork chops and spaghetti?
You sure can. Yes!
Well, Mom, I got a B in science.
What do I get?
You can have whatever dessert you want.
Uh, ice cream and cake?
Ice cream and cake it is.
Good job, baby.
Ooh, boy, don't you see me cooking?
Sorry.
Where's your report card? They didn't hand them out yet.
NARRATOR: I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother I got an F.
Next to dealing drugs, getting bad grades
was the worst thing you could do.
It was worse than this...
Tonya, what happened?
Mama, I had to smoke that fool.
Oh, not him. I'm talking about this D you got in algebra.
NARRATOR: And worse than this...
Drew! Where is that boy?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm following my dream, Mama.
I'm gonna be a country and western singer.
I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about this F.
Now, take your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study.
You think I'm playing with you?
Where'd you get that guitar?
You better not be selling drugs in my house.
NARRATOR: I didn't know what to do,
but I couldn't give her that report card.
Let me know when you get it.
Yes, ma'am.
[***]
Need any help cooking?
Sure. Thank you, baby.
NARRATOR: I figured if I showed her how useful I could be,
she wouldn't kill me when she found out.
While I was trying to figure out what to do about my F,
my father was home sick,
trying to figure out how he got the gout.
Oh, baby... when did you get the gout?
I don't know. It just happened.
NARRATOR: I know you're probably wondering, what is the gout?
Well gout, or the gout as some people like to call it,
is a form of arthritis, which causes severe swelling
usually in the ankle or the big toe.
It's caused by a poor diet, including things like...
smothered pork chops.
Needs some salt.
Smothered chicken-fried bacon.
Needs some salt.
And smothered chicken-fried bananas.
Not bad.
Needs salt.
Are you out your damn mind?
All right, I'm going to work the phones
over at the real estate office today.
Try not to eat any junk.
I'll be home in time to make dinner.
I can't eat that stuff all day.
You can if you want to get rid of the gout.
Give me a kiss.
Mmm.
[***]
When are you gonna turn in your report card?
I was thinking, it's so busy that if I didn't say anything,
Miss Morello will just forget about it.
NARRATOR: It didn't take much to graduate from my old school.
All you needed was a ride to the graduation.
Who are you?
I was in Ms. Jenkins' class.
Oh. Here.
[CROWD APPLAUDING] [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
Thank you.
[***]
Chris, where's your report card?
My mom's been really busy.
I promise I'll have it by tomorrow.
Make sure you do.
NARRATOR: Because my father was used to working all the time,
staying home was tough.
But at least he got to watch one of his favorite things:
Soap operas. The Yankees were good,
but not better than soap operas.
[THEME SONG PLAYING] [SIGHS]
NARRATOR: At Corleone, if you needed something
like a forged report card or a tardy slip,
there was one guy that could get it for you,
and his name was Fischer.
GREG: Hey, Fischer. Who's this?
Chris.
Tell him I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you. Chris.
He a friend of yours? Yeah.
Pat him down.
[***]
He's clean. What does he want?
I need a new-- Hey, hey.
Tell him I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
He needs a new report card.
He got an F, but he doesn't want to show it to his mother.
Okay, I got it. It's a two-part job.
He needs a report card with an A for his mother to sign,
and a report card with an F with his mother's signature on it.
So you'll do it? I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
So you'll do it?
Okay, let's say I do this for him.
What's he gonna do for me?
What do you want?
How about a book report for English?
[***]
Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?
Don't you see me talking to you?
Don't you see him talking to you?
Can it be on Martin Luther King? Deal.
Meet me in the science lab storage room at 3.
Thanks. Yeah.
Hey, look over there.
[SLURPING]
[***]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, Julius.
Uh...Rochelle's not here.
No, no, no.
Rochelle told me to check on you.
And I brought you this. What, a salad?
Yeah, I gotta get back.The Young and the Restlessis on.
[***]
NARRATOR: I've never had a forged report card before,
but Greg told me Fischer was the best.
NARRATOR: One time he made such a good fake,
they arrested the guy who made the original.
Hey, Ma, I got my report card.
Oh. Let me see. NARRATOR:I was scared.
Felt like I was giving a fake diamond to Lil' Kim.
An A in math?
Chris, this is so great.
You got an A in math?
That's right. So what?
What's three times three? Nine.
What's four times five? Twenty.
What's eleven times eleven? Shut up.
[JULIUS LAUGHING] Can you sign this?
Oh, he does?
Julius!
Oh, hey, you know, I gotta go.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Oh, man! Who was that?
Oh, that was Monica.
She was the hairdresser's friend.
She just wanted to know what happened.
[GRUNTS]
Well, you two were on the phone an awfully long time.
Did you know that your son got an A in math?
My man!
That must be why his teacher called this afternoon.
Yeah, she wants you to come down to school on Wednesday
and talk about Chris's grade.
ANNOUNCER: Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade?
How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie?
Will Julius ever get rid of the gout?
Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions?
Will Drew get any lines?
Find out this and more, when Everybody Hates Chrisreturns.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR: Once I got my mother's signature on my report card,
Fischer had what he needed to complete my plan.
What? I'm a natural.
Now beat it.
NARRATOR: Since I had the cards in place,
all I had to do was keep my mother
and Mrs. Morello from seeing each other
and I would be home free.
Chris, do you have your signed report card?
[***]
Sure do.
My mother says she won't be able to come to the school tomorrow.
My father has the gout.
Did you say "the gout"?
Yes. The gout.
I'm concerned about your grade, Chris.
Well, my mom is too.
She told me I better get a C on my next report card.
And then she...
Well, let's just say it's kind of hard to sit down.
[GASPS]
[WINCES, GROANS]
So I guess she's young and he's restless.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Okay, wait, wait.
We're gonna come back tomorrow for the update.
Wait, so does Victor's ex-wife know about him and Nicky?
Ooh, you know what? [ALL CHATTERING]
Hey, babe. How you doing?
What's going on here? Why didn't you tell us
Julius likes The Young and the Restless?
I didn't know.
[WOMEN CHUCKLING]
This is Pam. You remember Pam. How you doing?
Good. How are you? How long y'all been here?
Oh, about three, four hours. We're catching up on the soaps.
This is my girl Monica. That's Rochelle.
Nice to meet you, Monica.
Why do you look so familiar to me?
You tried to sell me food stamps
down by the subway that day. I thought you said
you weren't selling food stamps.
You were selling food stamps? I wasn't selling no food stamps.
[PHONE RINGING]
Julius, go get the phone.
You hear the phone ringing.
It rang, like, three times already.
Thank you, baby. [WOMEN CHUCKLE]
Girl, that gout is making him lose his mind.
[ALL LAUGH]
Does gout mess with your hearing?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hello?
Hey, Mrs. Morello.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.
Honey, it's for you.
Where'd they go?
They left, gout boy.
[***]
ROCHELLE: Hi. How are you?
What? An F?
What happened? The teacher just told me
that Chris got an F.
But he said he got an A.
I can't believe that boy
looked me dead in the eye and lied to me.
How you wanna handle this?
NARRATOR: Translation: do you want to kill him,
or should I?
Hmm... Oh, I know what to do.
TONYA: Whoa, pancakes? Pancakes?
Hey, Mom, we're having pancakes?
No, Chris is having pancakes.
That's my baby's reward for getting an A.
TONYA: Can I have some pancakes?
Did you get an A? I got a B.
That's not an A. Can I have some pancakes?
My foot's getting better. I might make it to work tomorrow.
Pancakes are for people who get A's,
not for people who get the gout.
Baby, you want anything else?
My A student deserves nothing but the best.
No. No. Oh, by the way, my teacher says
she won't be able to see you today.
That's okay, baby. I'll talk to her next time.
You want some butter?
My foot's looking better, don't you think?
Why are you talking about your foot?
Your son has no conscience.
In there eating pancakes like he actually got an A.
If you didn't want him to have the pancakes,
what'd you give them to him for?
For him to feel guilty and confess.
But that's okay.
Tomorrow I got something for him.
Baby, let's talk about this. Come on.
Oh, so now you want to talk to me?
Why don't you just talk to your friends,
since you talk to them all the time?
Rochelle, those are your friends.
We were just talking about the soaps.
Are you jealous?
Hell, yeah. Damn skippy.
How would you feel if you came home
and I was sitting there talking to
your friends about football?
You like football? No, I don't like football.
Julius, you always want to talk to me
about bills or the kids.
I just think it would be nice
to talk about something else for a change.
You want to talk about the gout?
No! I don't want to talk about the gout!
[***]
So it worked?
Yep. I told my mother that Miss Morello was busy,
and I told Miss Morello that my mother was busy.
That was that, and I'm just glad it's over.
NARRATOR: They say when you're about to die
your life flashes right before your eyes.
Well, here's what mine looked like...
[***]
Dude, you're definitely not in there.
Bye, Chris.
Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Hey, Chris, can I have your comic books?
That's a $2 pair of underwear you're messing up.
Rest in peace, Toby.
Chris.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just here to watch my brilliant, mathematician son
in action.
Miss Morello said it would be okay.
[***]
NARRATOR: If I could just be cool, maybe everything will be all right.
Today we're doing fractions.
What does three-twelfths plus three-fourths equal?
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me.
Rochelle.
Chris has an answer.
He got an A.
That's right.
He did get an A.
NARRATOR: If I could drive, I'd do this...
I don't know the answer.
ROCHELLE: No?
Well, how is that possible?
You're the math wiz.
The human calculator.
You got an A.
I actually got an F.
NARRATOR: This must be how Marion Barry felt when that tape got out.
Miss Morello,
thank you for your time.
Come on, Chris.
See you later, Stymie.
Ma, I can explain.
Okay.
Go ahead.
For real?
Yeah. Explain this.
Okay.
I was afraid you'd get mad at me for getting an F.
I thought I could do better next semester,
so I changed my grade, forged your signature
onto the report card and gave it to Miss Morello.
I thought you wouldn't find out.
[MOCKINGLY] "I thought you wouldn't find out."
[NORMALLY] Boy, what do I look like, Boo-Boo the Fool?
You're running around here lying, forging my signature.
Have you lost your mind?
Look, Chris, if you lie
you steal, if you steal, you kill,
and I am not getting your behind out of jail.
Chris...
if you would have put this much effort
into passing the class in the first place,
you wouldn't be in this mess.
I am very upset that you failed that class,
but I'm more upset that you lied to me.
You are not stupid, Chris.
Don't act like it.
I bought you in this world, I'll take you right out.
Do you understand me?
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Now bring your behind home.
NARRATOR: My mother had a funny way
of making me feel like the smartest idiot in the world.
Wait, that's it?
No, you better bring that grade up,
or I'm gonna slap the wax out your ears.
NARRATOR: After I got caught,
my parents finally had something to talk about.
What happened with Chris today?
Oh, I got it all handled.
How's your foot?
It's all right.
Got a surprise for you.
I watched your soap today.
Really?
Yeah, but if you don't feel like talking...
No, no, no, no.
We can talk about it.
Oh.
Did you know that Nicky was a stripper?
A stripper? Mm-hmm.
Does Victor know? He does now.
[CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: Things always worked out best in my house
when everybody did their job.
And after being more embarrassed
than I'd ever been in my life,
all I had to do was one more thing.
Mom, I got my report card.
A D!
My baby got a D.
And you're happy about that?
I'm just happy I don't have to smack the chap off your lips.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR: Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now