[***]
CHRIS ROCK: 1983 was my first Valentine's Day as a teenager.
I never really cared about Valentine's Day before,
but now I couldn't ignore it.
Valentine's Day makes most people
think of flowers and candy,
but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.
Happy Valentine's Day.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Yesterday, those roses cost $10.
Today, they're $110.
Even when you're broke, you have to find a way
to tell your woman you love her.
OFFICER: Hey!
You picked the wrong wall today!
Even if it means getting the crap beat out of you.
On Valentine's Day, love was in the air.
You should have seen what they did after they shot him.
Hey. Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed
like everybody was getting something except me.
Still a few days to go. We could still get a card.
That look means, "If we weren't friends,
I'd smack the hope out of you."
Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card.
Cool.
Hey, if I got a card, I know you will.
What's it say?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
you stink like a monkey and look like one too.
Happy Valentine's Day. BOY: Loser!
So much for love in the air.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
I didn't have any luck with girls when I was 13.
Mostly, I just had a bunch of crushes.
They call it a crush because chances are
if you open your mouth, you're gonna get crushed.
They could have called it, "She don't like you, stupid,"
but "crush" is just quicker.
That's Tangee Brown.
Hi.
All she ever said to me was "hi."
That's all I needed. After that, she became my bus crush.
I call it a bus crush
because this one happened on a bus.
One time I had an elevator crush.
I almost lost my head trying to follow her around.
There was my window crush.
[SCREAMING] [SCREAMING]
The laws about that were a lot more relaxed at the time.
There was only one problem with my bus crush:
she had a boyfriend.
Why I gotta be stupid? Youlost your hat.
I was trying to keep you from getting on the wrong bus.
Oh, so I'm dumb now? Yeah, Tangee.
And you're getting on my nerves.
[BELL DINGS]
Clyde, you still got my books. Here.
You need to read them. Maybe they'll teach you how to act.
This must be how the drummer felt
watching Ike and Tina fight.
Thank you. You want to sit down?
No, that's okay.
Oh, no, it's all right. I like to stand.
Thanks.
At that moment,
somebody could have sold me a lifetime bus pass.
[MOUTHS] I love you.
CHRIS ROCK: My mother loved Valentine's Day,
and why not? I learned early on,
Valentine's Day is not a day for couples,
it's a day for women.
If a woman shows up at a man's door empty-handed, big deal.
But if a man shows up empty-handed,
he may as well not have shown up at all.
WOMAN: Die, you pig! Aah!
He won't forget next year.
ROCHELLE: Hello? GIRL:Can I talk to Drew?
Drew can't come to the phone right now.
We're having dinner. I'm his valentine.
His who? His valentine.
His only valentine. Okay, bye.
Drew, you need to tell these fast little girls
to stop calling all hours of the day and night.
I told them already. Tell them again.
They're all calling, "Well, tell him his valentine called."
I don't have time for that.
Relax. Boy can't help it if he's popular.
Chris, how many valentine cards did you get so far?
None. How come girls don't like you?
None of your business, that's why.
Don't get mad at me. Hey, hey, hey.
Mama, can you help me make a Valentine's Day card?
JULIUS: A homemade card.
That's my little girl, saving that money.
Sure, baby. Who's it for? My boyfriend.
[***]
Your what friend? Well, the girl can't help it
if she's popular.
Where'd you get a boyfriend? At school.
Ma, do you have a place where I can put all my cards?
How many you giving out, boy?
Well, I'm not really giving them out.
Girls just keep giving them to me.
JULIUS: My man.
Are girls supposed to give boys Valentine's Day cards?
They're giving them to him.
What's that got to do to with me?
How long have you had a boyfriend?
Just for a week.
Rochelle? Julius.
I wish somebody would give me a Valentine's Day card that says
something besides "I hate you."
Well, if you want, you can have one of mine.
And I thought getting his hand-me-downs was bad.
Mm, no, thank you.
Who gave you a card that said "I hate you"?
Oh, I don't know.
It's just a stupid joke.
Even though I didn't like Caruso,
I didn't think he deserved to be cursed out by my mother.
Even though my father wasn't romantic,
he wasn't stupid, either.
He had a box full of greeting cards in the house.
He could give my mother a card for any occasion.
Happy Anniversary.
Aw, you shouldn't have.
Happy Flag Day.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Happy Chanukah.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
He used to keep candy under the bed too,
but the mice kept eating it.
[ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, babe. Hey, baby.
This is for you.
Baby, it's not even Valentine's Day yet.
I know, but every day is special with you.
Oh, Julius, you didn't have to.
But since you did...
You see all this right here? You see that?
That's why Tonya don't need to be running around
talking about she got a boyfriend.
Julius, she's 10 years old.
He's just a boy in her class. It's no big deal.
Rochelle, do you watch the news?
Girls are having babies at 10.
And grandbabies at 20.
Drew is the one you need to be worried about.
What for? So a few girls like him.
There's nothing wrong with that. He's 11.
He's only one year older than Tonya.
Pssht. What is the difference?
She is a girl.
Baby, you cannot protect Tonya from everything.
You wanna bet? Watch me.
I'll protect her from everything. Everything.
It was clear that my father already had a plan.
Daddy, this is Ronald. My fiancé.
Nice to meet you, sir.
[GROANS]
Mama! Daddy shot my fiancé again.
Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Hey, why do girls like guys that are mean to them?
Nice guys finish last.
Maybe the mean guys beat the crap out of the nice guys
so when the girls show up, no one else is around.
Did you say anything to her?
I picked up her books and I offered her a seat.
Oh, man, this is major.
What's her name? Tangee.
Greg, this is for you.
Oh, yeah.
Please don't open it until I leave.
Promise? Okay.
[***]
Valentine's Day card?
It says "Be mine."
Okay.
Yeah.
Man, "Be my valentine," that's so cool.
Hey, look, you got one too.
"Roses are red, violets are blue...
cupid hates your guts, and I do too."
Well, at least this time he wrote a poem.
[LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES]
I never knew when I'd see Tangee on the bus,
so I was always excited when I saw her get on.
TANGEE: Let me go! No.
Unfortunately, she was always excited too.
Not "happy" excited, more like "hold me back" excited.
Look what you did to my jacket. It's all stretched out.
If you got on like I said, it wouldn't have happened.
You ain't my daddy. I don't have to do what you say.
Push me again and see what happens.
Hey. Leave her alone.
What? You heard him.
What you gonna do now?
Hey, I don't need any help getting my ass whupped.
That's the one thing I'm good at.
* Everybody hates Chris
Mind your business. I couldn't back down now.
I was scared if I moved I might pee myself.
No.
Get the hell off my bus, boy.
Okay. Not you. You.
Come on, let's go. Why I got to get off?
He started it. Quit lying.
He ain't start nothing.
Why don't you quit lying? I said, get off.
Now move.
[BUS DOORS OPEN]
You want to sit down?
Sure.
Why'd you do that? I don't know.
I wasn't thinking, I guess.
My father said you're not supposed to hit a girl.
You know your father? Yeah.
Nobody's ever looked out for me like that before.
What's your name? Chris.
[***]
I'm Tangee.
Here.
A Valentine's Day card?
Yeah. I was gonna give it to Clyde, but he makes me sick.
Thanks. This was great,
my first Valentine's.
So what if it was meant for a future wife beater?
He ain't beat me.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Hi. Is Drew home?
Do you realize it's 8:30 at night?
Drew is in bed.
He is 11.
E-L-E-V-E-N, 11.
I-- Go home.
If I see you around my child again,
I'm calling the cops. Got that? Yeah, I--
Okay, I know all of that. I know, girl, I know.
Beat it.
Ooh, these are my favorites.
Mm! Mm-mm-mm.
All right, bye, Dad. See you later, son.
Daddy, you haven't walked us to school in a long time.
I know. It's been a while.
Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?
Yeah. I can get my rest later.
Mama said you don't like walking us to school.
That's not true.
You want a dollar? Yeah.
All right. There you go.
Hey, since I'm here,
why don't you show me which one of these kids is your boyfriend?
Oh, um...there he is.
James!
So that's him, huh? Yeah.
All right.
Bye, Daddy. All right, bye, baby.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
[CHILDREN CLAMORING]
Who, me? Yeah, you.
Get over here. What's your name?
My name is "Don't worry about what my name is."
What, you think you're some kind of ladies' man?
I don't know any ladies. They're not even ladies to you?
No. Uh, I don't know...
Who are you? Don't worry about who I am.
Worry about who you're giving them cards to.
I want my mama. Oh, so you a mama's boy?
Yes. Well, listen up, mama's boy.
You stay away from my daughter, you hear me?
Huh?
[CRYING]
Hey, man, stop that.
Hey, stop that.
MAN: Hey, stay away from that boy!
Get out of here! I was just talking to him.
MAN: Hey, you, I'm talking to you!
While my father was getting rid of Tonya's valentine,
I wish he'd been around to get rid of mine.
[***]
"Roses are red, violets are blue...
Please go back to Africa and take your mother with you.
[LAUGHING]
Happy Valentine's Day." BOY: Moron.
Another card like this, and I might just go to Africa.
What's wrong with you?
I'm trying not to bump into Joy again.
The school's only but so big.
You're bound to run into her sometimes.
I just don't know what my next move is.
Well, did you get her a card? No.
Then that's your next move.
You can come with me. I was gonna go get one anyway.
For who?
The girl on the bus. She gave me one yesterday.
And you didn't tell me?
I go to bed early, but you can call
and wake me up when something this important happens.
Well, I wanted to tell you in person.
I broke up a fight between her and her boyfriend.
You broke up a fight? Yeah, and she gave me this card.
Dude, this is huge.
Is it? I-I don't know.
It... It's just a card.
A card is, "I'm yours for the taking."
How in there do you have to be before you get it?
Why is it that when it comes to me,
you know so much about girls,
but you freak out when one gives you a card?
I guess it's kind of like not being able to cut your own hair.
Before you ever buy a girl a gift,
the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card.
Nah, that's too much.
You haven't even kissed her yet. Have you?
Um...how about this one?
"You know the deal.
I want you to be my valentine."
That's cool, but it's more for a friend than a girl.
Whoa, cool.
"Relatively speaking, would you be my valentine?"
This is perfect. For Tangee? No, thanks.
No, for Joy.
Greg never fought being a nerd.
I always wondered how that worked out for him.
[***]
[HORN HONKING]
Come on, honey!
Greg, when did you get this car?
Well, the Bentley's in the shop.
I kind of like this one.
Dude, this card is $2.50.
Hey, you've gotta pay to play, right?
Quick, give me my card.
Here.
Here. This is for you.
Thank you. GREG: No, no, no, no.
Read it when you get home. Okay.
Man, that was close.
What's this?
Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
Chris!
How could you?
When I found out how Caruso had been teasing you,
I thought you'd appreciate a real valentine from someone.
Obviously, I was wrong. Nowadays, you wish
all the teacher gave your kids were cards.
I didn't know it was yours.
While I couldn't have been less popular, back at home,
Drew couldn't have been more popular.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? GIRL:Is my valentine home yet?
No, Drew is still outside playing.
Stop calling here!
What's wrong, what's wrong?
All these girls calling.
It's getting on my nerves.
I already have enough to deal with.
Can you believe some maniac threatened the kids?
I've gotta go pick them up from school today.
Well, at least Drew's there to protect Tonya.
Now, what are we gonna do about Drew and these girls?
Huh? What?
Julius, every five minutes,
some girl is calling or knocking at the door.
Drew is way too young to get this much attention.
Rochelle, it's nothing, okay?
Drew's only 11 years old.
He don't care about those girls.
Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.
CHRIS ROCK: And great-grandfathers at 43.
Baby, relax.
Don't worry about it.
You don't worry about it,
'cause I ain't about to let nobody call me Grandmama.
With my mother on the job,
I didn't get a girl till I was 33.
Meanwhile, Drew had more girls than an Usher after-party.
Happy Valentine's Day, Drew.
Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson. Uh-huh.
As bad as my Valentine's Day had been going, I knew
I could count on my bus crush to make it all right.
Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat.
Thanks.
Can I ask you something? What?
How come you go with a guy that you always fight with?
I'm not going with him anymore. He's stupid.
That's all I needed to hear.
Hey, I got you something.
Really? That's so sweet.
What else?
What else, what?
Where's the gift? I only got you a card.
That's it? It's Valentine's Day,
and all you got me was this cheap-ass card?
I-I just met you. So?
Where's the flowers? Where's the candy?
I thought I meant something to you.
I thought we had a connection.
You know, I could have stayed with Clyde's sorry ass
if this is how you were gonna treat me.
Can you please quiet down? You don't tell me to be quiet.
Why don't you be quiet? Better yet, shut up!
Gonna tell me to be quiet. You ain't my daddy!
Getting cursed out on a bus
is not really how I expected to end my Valentine's Day,
but it did prove my point.
If you have a crush, you get crushed.
This is a piece of paper! I don't need this!
Where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him?
I kissed your little funky cheek,
but I could have stayed with Clyde.
Here, take back your stupid card. I do not need this.
Drew, you gotta return these cards to Miss Johnson.
A 30-year-old married woman
giving cards to my 11-year-old son.
What about the candy?
I think sending the cards back makes the point.
Giving the card to Tangee didn't work out,
but I knew my mother would appreciate one.
Thank you, sweetie.
You didn't have to give me a card.
I already know that you love me.
[CHUCKLES]
Who the hell is Joy?
Joy, are you dating a black guy?
She did, five years later.
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now