1 00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:05,038 [***] 2 00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:10,443 CHRIS ROCK: 1983 was my first Valentine's Day as a teenager. 3 00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:13,480 I never really cared about Valentine's Day before, 4 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:16,316 but now I couldn't ignore it. 5 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,284 Valentine's Day makes most people 6 00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:20,153 think of flowers and candy, 7 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,690 but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago. 8 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,159 Happy Valentine's Day. 9 00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:31,064 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 10 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,301 Yesterday, those roses cost $10. 11 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,637 Today, they're $110. 12 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:40,173 Even when you're broke, you have to find a way 13 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,609 to tell your woman you love her. 14 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,444 OFFICER: Hey! 15 00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:47,447 You picked the wrong wall today! 16 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,316 Even if it means getting the crap beat out of you. 17 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:53,653 On Valentine's Day, love was in the air. 18 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,589 You should have seen what they did after they shot him. 19 00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:02,228 Hey. Hi. Happy Valentine's Day. 20 00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:05,832 Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed 21 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,435 like everybody was getting something except me. 22 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,338 Still a few days to go. We could still get a card. 23 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,340 That look means, "If we weren't friends, 24 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,375 I'd smack the hope out of you." 25 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,844 Hey, I got one. I got a Valentine's Day card. 26 00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:19,446 Cool. 27 00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,881 Hey, if I got a card, I know you will. 28 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,117 What's it say? 29 00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,588 Roses are red, violets are blue, 30 00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:30,924 you stink like a monkey and look like one too. 31 00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:33,360 Happy Valentine's Day. BOY: Loser! 32 00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:35,562 So much for love in the air. 33 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,131 [***] 34 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:46,172 * Aw, make it funky now 35 00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,898 [***] 36 00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:14,567 I didn't have any luck with girls when I was 13. 37 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,604 Mostly, I just had a bunch of crushes. 38 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,773 They call it a crush because chances are 39 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,776 if you open your mouth, you're gonna get crushed. 40 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,612 They could have called it, "She don't like you, stupid," 41 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,681 but "crush" is just quicker. 42 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,717 That's Tangee Brown. 43 00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:33,687 Hi. 44 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,655 All she ever said to me was "hi." 45 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:40,994 That's all I needed. After that, she became my bus crush. 46 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,529 I call it a bus crush 47 00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:44,431 because this one happened on a bus. 48 00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:48,668 One time I had an elevator crush. 49 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,871 I almost lost my head trying to follow her around. 50 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,640 There was my window crush. 51 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,809 [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] 52 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,812 The laws about that were a lot more relaxed at the time. 53 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,715 There was only one problem with my bus crush: 54 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:03,350 she had a boyfriend. 55 00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,585 Why I gotta be stupid? Youlost your hat. 56 00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:07,921 I was trying to keep you from getting on the wrong bus. 57 00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,290 Oh, so I'm dumb now? Yeah, Tangee. 58 00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:11,858 And you're getting on my nerves. 59 00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:13,460 [BELL DINGS] 60 00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,962 Clyde, you still got my books. Here. 61 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,598 You need to read them. Maybe they'll teach you how to act. 62 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,600 This must be how the drummer felt 63 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,269 watching Ike and Tina fight. 64 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,305 Thank you. You want to sit down? 65 00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:26,539 No, that's okay. 66 00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:28,975 Oh, no, it's all right. I like to stand. 67 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,643 Thanks. 68 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,012 At that moment, 69 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,681 somebody could have sold me a lifetime bus pass. 70 00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:37,984 [MOUTHS] I love you. 71 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,520 CHRIS ROCK: My mother loved Valentine's Day, 72 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:42,856 and why not? I learned early on, 73 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,392 Valentine's Day is not a day for couples, 74 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:46,993 it's a day for women. 75 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,830 If a woman shows up at a man's door empty-handed, big deal. 76 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,667 But if a man shows up empty-handed, 77 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,835 he may as well not have shown up at all. 78 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,437 WOMAN: Die, you pig! Aah! 79 00:03:57,470 --> 00:03:59,372 He won't forget next year. 80 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,441 ROCHELLE: Hello? GIRL:Can I talk to Drew? 81 00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:03,376 Drew can't come to the phone right now. 82 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,345 We're having dinner. I'm his valentine. 83 00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:07,313 His who? His valentine. 84 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,684 His only valentine. Okay, bye. 85 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,919 Drew, you need to tell these fast little girls 86 00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,455 to stop calling all hours of the day and night. 87 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,057 I told them already. Tell them again. 88 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:21,494 They're all calling, "Well, tell him his valentine called." 89 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,029 I don't have time for that. 90 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,498 Relax. Boy can't help it if he's popular. 91 00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:28,401 Chris, how many valentine cards did you get so far? 92 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,704 None. How come girls don't like you? 93 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,372 None of your business, that's why. 94 00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:35,642 Don't get mad at me. Hey, hey, hey. 95 00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,912 Mama, can you help me make a Valentine's Day card? 96 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,413 JULIUS: A homemade card. 97 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,649 That's my little girl, saving that money. 98 00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:45,719 Sure, baby. Who's it for? My boyfriend. 99 00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,787 [***] 100 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,390 Your what friend? Well, the girl can't help it 101 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,891 if she's popular. 102 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,831 Where'd you get a boyfriend? At school. 103 00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,900 Ma, do you have a place where I can put all my cards? 104 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,369 How many you giving out, boy? 105 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,104 Well, I'm not really giving them out. 106 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,839 Girls just keep giving them to me. 107 00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,540 JULIUS: My man. 108 00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,143 Are girls supposed to give boys Valentine's Day cards? 109 00:05:10,176 --> 00:05:11,578 They're giving them to him. 110 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,880 What's that got to do to with me? 111 00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:16,716 How long have you had a boyfriend? 112 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:17,851 Just for a week. 113 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,919 Rochelle? Julius. 114 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:23,156 I wish somebody would give me a Valentine's Day card that says 115 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,891 something besides "I hate you." 116 00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,093 Well, if you want, you can have one of mine. 117 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:30,430 And I thought getting his hand-me-downs was bad. 118 00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:31,965 Mm, no, thank you. 119 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,001 Who gave you a card that said "I hate you"? 120 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,437 Oh, I don't know. 121 00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:38,938 It's just a stupid joke. 122 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,141 Even though I didn't like Caruso, 123 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:45,612 I didn't think he deserved to be cursed out by my mother. 124 00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,714 Even though my father wasn't romantic, 125 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,716 he wasn't stupid, either. 126 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,985 He had a box full of greeting cards in the house. 127 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:56,022 He could give my mother a card for any occasion. 128 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,991 Happy Anniversary. 129 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,161 Aw, you shouldn't have. 130 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,030 Happy Flag Day. 131 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,966 Oh, you shouldn't have. 132 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,436 Happy Chanukah. 133 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:12,605 Oh, you shouldn't have. 134 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,808 He used to keep candy under the bed too, 135 00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,410 but the mice kept eating it. 136 00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,613 [ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT] 137 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,752 Hey, babe. Hey, baby. 138 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:26,986 This is for you. 139 00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:31,558 Baby, it's not even Valentine's Day yet. 140 00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:36,129 I know, but every day is special with you. 141 00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:39,032 Oh, Julius, you didn't have to. 142 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,967 But since you did... 143 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,939 You see all this right here? You see that? 144 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,174 That's why Tonya don't need to be running around 145 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,043 talking about she got a boyfriend. 146 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,045 Julius, she's 10 years old. 147 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,015 He's just a boy in her class. It's no big deal. 148 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,616 Rochelle, do you watch the news? 149 00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,151 Girls are having babies at 10. 150 00:06:58,184 --> 00:06:59,886 And grandbabies at 20. 151 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,255 Drew is the one you need to be worried about. 152 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,692 What for? So a few girls like him. 153 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:08,028 There's nothing wrong with that. He's 11. 154 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,796 He's only one year older than Tonya. 155 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,265 Pssht. What is the difference? 156 00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:13,933 She is a girl. 157 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:18,505 Baby, you cannot protect Tonya from everything. 158 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:21,074 You wanna bet? Watch me. 159 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,810 I'll protect her from everything. Everything. 160 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,680 It was clear that my father already had a plan. 161 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,616 Daddy, this is Ronald. My fiancé. 162 00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:31,551 Nice to meet you, sir. 163 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,221 [GROANS] 164 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:38,224 Mama! Daddy shot my fiancé again. 165 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:42,262 Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control. 166 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,863 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 167 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,766 Hey, why do girls like guys that are mean to them? 168 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,268 Nice guys finish last. 169 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,004 Maybe the mean guys beat the crap out of the nice guys 170 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,807 so when the girls show up, no one else is around. 171 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,175 Did you say anything to her? 172 00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:58,111 I picked up her books and I offered her a seat. 173 00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,746 Oh, man, this is major. 174 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,114 What's her name? Tangee. 175 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,982 Greg, this is for you. 176 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,851 Oh, yeah. 177 00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:07,087 Please don't open it until I leave. 178 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,688 Promise? Okay. 179 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,658 [***] 180 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,193 Valentine's Day card? 181 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,961 It says "Be mine." 182 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,629 Okay. 183 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,699 Yeah. 184 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:23,603 Man, "Be my valentine," that's so cool. 185 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,772 Hey, look, you got one too. 186 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,578 "Roses are red, violets are blue... 187 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:35,148 cupid hates your guts, and I do too." 188 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,351 Well, at least this time he wrote a poem. 189 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,121 [LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] 190 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,892 I never knew when I'd see Tangee on the bus, 191 00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:48,628 so I was always excited when I saw her get on. 192 00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,163 TANGEE: Let me go! No. 193 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,632 Unfortunately, she was always excited too. 194 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,736 Not "happy" excited, more like "hold me back" excited. 195 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,706 Look what you did to my jacket. It's all stretched out. 196 00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,141 If you got on like I said, it wouldn't have happened. 197 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,777 You ain't my daddy. I don't have to do what you say. 198 00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,612 Push me again and see what happens. 199 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,148 Hey. Leave her alone. 200 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,250 What? You heard him. 201 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,018 What you gonna do now? 202 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,754 Hey, I don't need any help getting my ass whupped. 203 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,723 That's the one thing I'm good at. 204 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:20,126 * Everybody hates Chris 205 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,238 Mind your business. I couldn't back down now. 206 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:35,208 I was scared if I moved I might pee myself. 207 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,743 No. 208 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:39,646 Get the hell off my bus, boy. 209 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,182 Okay. Not you. You. 210 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,351 Come on, let's go. Why I got to get off? 211 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,353 He started it. Quit lying. 212 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,987 He ain't start nothing. 213 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,690 Why don't you quit lying? I said, get off. 214 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,892 Now move. 215 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,032 [BUS DOORS OPEN] 216 00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,934 You want to sit down? 217 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,769 Sure. 218 00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,240 Why'd you do that? I don't know. 219 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,908 I wasn't thinking, I guess. 220 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,944 My father said you're not supposed to hit a girl. 221 00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:13,713 You know your father? Yeah. 222 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,784 Nobody's ever looked out for me like that before. 223 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,352 What's your name? Chris. 224 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,788 [***] 225 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,162 I'm Tangee. 226 00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,797 Here. 227 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,365 A Valentine's Day card? 228 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:36,970 Yeah. I was gonna give it to Clyde, but he makes me sick. 229 00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,938 Thanks. This was great, 230 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,440 my first Valentine's. 231 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,243 So what if it was meant for a future wife beater? 232 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,711 He ain't beat me. 233 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:46,880 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 234 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,449 Hi. Is Drew home? 235 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,184 Do you realize it's 8:30 at night? 236 00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,986 Drew is in bed. 237 00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,821 He is 11. 238 00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,724 E-L-E-V-E-N, 11. 239 00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,059 I-- Go home. 240 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,860 If I see you around my child again, 241 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,396 I'm calling the cops. Got that? Yeah, I-- 242 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:07,033 Okay, I know all of that. I know, girl, I know. 243 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,435 Beat it. 244 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,806 Ooh, these are my favorites. 245 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,874 Mm! Mm-mm-mm. 246 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,944 All right, bye, Dad. See you later, son. 247 00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,880 Daddy, you haven't walked us to school in a long time. 248 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,516 I know. It's been a while. 249 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,885 Aren't you supposed to be sleeping? 250 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,755 Yeah. I can get my rest later. 251 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,391 Mama said you don't like walking us to school. 252 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,126 That's not true. 253 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,894 You want a dollar? Yeah. 254 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:38,064 All right. There you go. 255 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,267 Hey, since I'm here, 256 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,437 why don't you show me which one of these kids is your boyfriend? 257 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,207 Oh, um...there he is. 258 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,875 James! 259 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,246 So that's him, huh? Yeah. 260 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,848 All right. 261 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,185 Bye, Daddy. All right, bye, baby. 262 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,792 Can I talk to you for a minute? 263 00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:06,893 [CHILDREN CLAMORING] 264 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,194 Who, me? Yeah, you. 265 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,397 Get over here. What's your name? 266 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,832 My name is "Don't worry about what my name is." 267 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,168 What, you think you're some kind of ladies' man? 268 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:18,071 I don't know any ladies. They're not even ladies to you? 269 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,306 No. Uh, I don't know... 270 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,043 Who are you? Don't worry about who I am. 271 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,178 Worry about who you're giving them cards to. 272 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,081 I want my mama. Oh, so you a mama's boy? 273 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,817 Yes. Well, listen up, mama's boy. 274 00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,586 You stay away from my daughter, you hear me? 275 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,088 Huh? 276 00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:35,955 [CRYING] 277 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,357 Hey, man, stop that. 278 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,892 Hey, stop that. 279 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,226 MAN: Hey, stay away from that boy! 280 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,530 Get out of here! I was just talking to him. 281 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,132 MAN: Hey, you, I'm talking to you! 282 00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,968 While my father was getting rid of Tonya's valentine, 283 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,971 I wish he'd been around to get rid of mine. 284 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,040 [***] 285 00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,210 "Roses are red, violets are blue... 286 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,448 Please go back to Africa and take your mother with you. 287 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,849 [LAUGHING] 288 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,151 Happy Valentine's Day." BOY: Moron. 289 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:08,955 Another card like this, and I might just go to Africa. 290 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,359 What's wrong with you? 291 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,427 I'm trying not to bump into Joy again. 292 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,062 The school's only but so big. 293 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,164 You're bound to run into her sometimes. 294 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,266 I just don't know what my next move is. 295 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,502 Well, did you get her a card? No. 296 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,537 Then that's your next move. 297 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,407 You can come with me. I was gonna go get one anyway. 298 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,975 For who? 299 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,311 The girl on the bus. She gave me one yesterday. 300 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,879 And you didn't tell me? 301 00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,381 I go to bed early, but you can call 302 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,583 and wake me up when something this important happens. 303 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,351 Well, I wanted to tell you in person. 304 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,320 I broke up a fight between her and her boyfriend. 305 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,523 You broke up a fight? Yeah, and she gave me this card. 306 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,025 Dude, this is huge. 307 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,893 Is it? I-I don't know. 308 00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,029 It... It's just a card. 309 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,297 A card is, "I'm yours for the taking." 310 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,200 How in there do you have to be before you get it? 311 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,169 Why is it that when it comes to me, 312 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,171 you know so much about girls, 313 00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,440 but you freak out when one gives you a card? 314 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,310 I guess it's kind of like not being able to cut your own hair. 315 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,413 Before you ever buy a girl a gift, 316 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:10,050 the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card. 317 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,351 Nah, that's too much. 318 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,954 You haven't even kissed her yet. Have you? 319 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:19,459 Um...how about this one? 320 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,927 "You know the deal. 321 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,462 I want you to be my valentine." 322 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,433 That's cool, but it's more for a friend than a girl. 323 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,135 Whoa, cool. 324 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:32,238 "Relatively speaking, would you be my valentine?" 325 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:36,509 This is perfect. For Tangee? No, thanks. 326 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,677 No, for Joy. 327 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,612 Greg never fought being a nerd. 328 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,682 I always wondered how that worked out for him. 329 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,418 [***] 330 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,619 [HORN HONKING] 331 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,388 Come on, honey! 332 00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,726 Greg, when did you get this car? 333 00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,261 Well, the Bentley's in the shop. 334 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,003 I kind of like this one. 335 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,108 Dude, this card is $2.50. 336 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,377 Hey, you've gotta pay to play, right? 337 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,251 Quick, give me my card. 338 00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,219 Here. 339 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,054 Here. This is for you. 340 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,189 Thank you. GREG: No, no, no, no. 341 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,392 Read it when you get home. Okay. 342 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,630 Man, that was close. 343 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,432 What's this? 344 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,234 Oh, ha, ha, very funny. 345 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,406 Chris! 346 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,473 How could you? 347 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,443 When I found out how Caruso had been teasing you, 348 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,546 I thought you'd appreciate a real valentine from someone. 349 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,349 Obviously, I was wrong. Nowadays, you wish 350 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,718 all the teacher gave your kids were cards. 351 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,422 I didn't know it was yours. 352 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,491 While I couldn't have been less popular, back at home, 353 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,027 Drew couldn't have been more popular. 354 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,163 [PHONE RINGS] 355 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,433 Hello? GIRL:Is my valentine home yet? 356 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,035 No, Drew is still outside playing. 357 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,171 Stop calling here! 358 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:12,572 What's wrong, what's wrong? 359 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:13,707 All these girls calling. 360 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,442 It's getting on my nerves. 361 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,277 I already have enough to deal with. 362 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,180 Can you believe some maniac threatened the kids? 363 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,482 I've gotta go pick them up from school today. 364 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,684 Well, at least Drew's there to protect Tonya. 365 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,687 Now, what are we gonna do about Drew and these girls? 366 00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:30,090 Huh? What? 367 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,458 Julius, every five minutes, 368 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,626 some girl is calling or knocking at the door. 369 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,163 Drew is way too young to get this much attention. 370 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,333 Rochelle, it's nothing, okay? 371 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,335 Drew's only 11 years old. 372 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,070 He don't care about those girls. 373 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,539 Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12. 374 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,442 CHRIS ROCK: And great-grandfathers at 43. 375 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,144 Baby, relax. 376 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,212 Don't worry about it. 377 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,713 You don't worry about it, 378 00:16:53,747 --> 00:16:56,716 'cause I ain't about to let nobody call me Grandmama. 379 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,485 With my mother on the job, 380 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,421 I didn't get a girl till I was 33. 381 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:05,792 Meanwhile, Drew had more girls than an Usher after-party. 382 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,229 Happy Valentine's Day, Drew. 383 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,432 Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson. Uh-huh. 384 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,435 As bad as my Valentine's Day had been going, I knew 385 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,772 I could count on my bus crush to make it all right. 386 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,474 Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat. 387 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,112 Thanks. 388 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,450 Can I ask you something? What? 389 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,653 How come you go with a guy that you always fight with? 390 00:17:33,687 --> 00:17:37,857 I'm not going with him anymore. He's stupid. 391 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,359 That's all I needed to hear. 392 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,161 Hey, I got you something. 393 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,830 Really? That's so sweet. 394 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,132 What else? 395 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,467 What else, what? 396 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,270 Where's the gift? I only got you a card. 397 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,605 That's it? It's Valentine's Day, 398 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:56,276 and all you got me was this cheap-ass card? 399 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,445 I-I just met you. So? 400 00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,413 Where's the flowers? Where's the candy? 401 00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,382 I thought I meant something to you. 402 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,850 I thought we had a connection. 403 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,553 You know, I could have stayed with Clyde's sorry ass 404 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,555 if this is how you were gonna treat me. 405 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,490 Can you please quiet down? You don't tell me to be quiet. 406 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,493 Why don't you be quiet? Better yet, shut up! 407 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,296 Gonna tell me to be quiet. You ain't my daddy! 408 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,897 Getting cursed out on a bus 409 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,267 is not really how I expected to end my Valentine's Day, 410 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:22,702 but it did prove my point. 411 00:18:22,736 --> 00:18:25,338 If you have a crush, you get crushed. 412 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,440 This is a piece of paper! I don't need this! 413 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,410 Where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him? 414 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,278 I kissed your little funky cheek, 415 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,780 but I could have stayed with Clyde. 416 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:37,317 Here, take back your stupid card. I do not need this. 417 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:43,723 Drew, you gotta return these cards to Miss Johnson. 418 00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,859 A 30-year-old married woman 419 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,828 giving cards to my 11-year-old son. 420 00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:51,231 What about the candy? 421 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:54,501 I think sending the cards back makes the point. 422 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,372 Giving the card to Tangee didn't work out, 423 00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,608 but I knew my mother would appreciate one. 424 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,510 Thank you, sweetie. 425 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,279 You didn't have to give me a card. 426 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,648 I already know that you love me. 427 00:19:08,682 --> 00:19:10,383 [CHUCKLES] 428 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,653 Who the hell is Joy? 429 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:18,792 Joy, are you dating a black guy? 430 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,593 She did, five years later. 431 00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:24,397 * Everybody hates Chris 432 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,637 [***] 433 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,373 * Aw, make it funky now