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[***]
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CHRIS ROCK:
1983 was my first
Valentine's Day as a teenager.
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00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:13,480
I never really cared
about Valentine's Day before,
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00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:16,316
but now I couldn't ignore it.
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00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,284
Valentine's Day makes
most people
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00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:20,153
think of flowers and candy,
7
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,690
but it reminded me of the
gangland massacre in Chicago.
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00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,159
Happy Valentine's Day.
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00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:31,064
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
10
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,301
Yesterday,
those roses cost $10.
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00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,637
Today, they're $110.
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00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:40,173
Even when you're broke,
you have to find a way
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to tell your woman
you love her.
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OFFICER:
Hey!
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You picked the wrong wall today!
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00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,316
Even if it means getting
the crap beat out of you.
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00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:53,653
On Valentine's Day,
love was in the air.
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00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,589
You should have seen what
they did after they shot him.
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00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:02,228
Hey.
Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
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00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:05,832
Even at school, Valentine's Day
was a big deal, and it seemed
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00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,435
like everybody was getting
something except me.
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Still a few days to go.
We could still get a card.
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00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,340
That look means,
"If we weren't friends,
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I'd smack the hope out of you."
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00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,844
Hey, I got one. I got
a Valentine's Day card.
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00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:19,446
Cool.
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00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,881
Hey, if I got a card,
I know you will.
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What's it say?
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Roses are red, violets are blue,
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you stink like a monkey
and look like one too.
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Happy Valentine's Day.
BOY: Loser!
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So much for love in the air.
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[***]
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* Aw, make it funky now
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00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,898
[***]
36
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:14,567
I didn't have any luck
with girls when I was 13.
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Mostly, I just had
a bunch of crushes.
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They call it a crush
because chances are
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if you open your mouth,
you're gonna get crushed.
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They could have called it,
"She don't like you, stupid,"
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but "crush" is just quicker.
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That's Tangee Brown.
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Hi.
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All she ever
said to me was "hi."
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That's all I needed. After
that, she became my bus crush.
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I call it a bus crush
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because this one
happened on a bus.
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One time
I had an elevator crush.
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00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,871
I almost lost my head
trying to follow her around.
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00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,640
There was my window crush.
51
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[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
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The laws about that were a lot
more relaxed at the time.
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There was only
one problem with my bus crush:
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she had a boyfriend.
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Why I gotta be stupid?
Youlost your hat.
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I was trying to keep you
from getting on the wrong bus.
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Oh, so I'm dumb now?
Yeah, Tangee.
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And you're getting on my nerves.
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[BELL DINGS]
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Clyde, you still got my books.
Here.
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You need to read them. Maybe
they'll teach you how to act.
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This must be
how the drummer felt
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watching Ike and Tina fight.
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Thank you.
You want to sit down?
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No, that's okay.
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Oh, no, it's all right.
I like to stand.
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Thanks.
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At that moment,
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somebody could have sold me
a lifetime bus pass.
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[MOUTHS]
I love you.
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CHRIS ROCK:
My mother loved
Valentine's Day,
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and why not?
I learned early on,
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Valentine's Day
is not a day for couples,
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it's a day for women.
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If a woman shows up at a man's
door empty-handed, big deal.
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But if a man shows up
empty-handed,
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he may as well
not have shown up at all.
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WOMAN: Die, you pig!
Aah!
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He won't forget next year.
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ROCHELLE: Hello?
GIRL:Can I talk to Drew?
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00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:03,376
Drew can't come
to the phone right now.
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We're having dinner.
I'm his valentine.
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His who?
His valentine.
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His only valentine.
Okay, bye.
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Drew, you need
to tell these fast little girls
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to stop calling
all hours of the day and night.
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I told them already.
Tell them again.
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They're all calling, "Well,
tell him his valentine called."
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I don't have time for that.
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Relax. Boy can't help it
if he's popular.
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Chris, how many valentine cards
did you get so far?
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None.
How come girls don't like you?
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None of your business,
that's why.
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Don't get mad at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
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Mama, can you help me make
a Valentine's Day card?
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JULIUS:
A homemade card.
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That's my little girl,
saving that money.
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Sure, baby. Who's it for?
My boyfriend.
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[***]
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Your what friend?
Well, the girl can't help it
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if she's popular.
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Where'd you get a boyfriend?
At school.
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Ma, do you have a place
where I can put all my cards?
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00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,369
How many you giving out, boy?
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00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,104
Well, I'm not really
giving them out.
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00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,839
Girls just keep
giving them to me.
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JULIUS:
My man.
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Are girls supposed to give boys
Valentine's Day cards?
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They're giving them to him.
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What's that
got to do to with me?
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How long
have you had a boyfriend?
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Just for a week.
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Rochelle?
Julius.
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I wish somebody would give me
a Valentine's Day card that says
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something besides "I hate you."
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Well, if you want,
you can have one of mine.
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And I thought getting
his hand-me-downs was bad.
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Mm, no, thank you.
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Who gave you a card
that said "I hate you"?
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Oh, I don't know.
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It's just a stupid joke.
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Even though
I didn't like Caruso,
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I didn't think he deserved
to be cursed out by my mother.
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Even though
my father wasn't romantic,
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he wasn't stupid, either.
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He had a box full of
greeting cards in the house.
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He could give my mother
a card for any occasion.
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Happy Anniversary.
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Aw, you shouldn't have.
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Happy Flag Day.
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Oh, you shouldn't have.
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Happy Chanukah.
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Oh, you shouldn't have.
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He used to keep
candy under the bed too,
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but the mice kept eating it.
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[ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT]
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Hey, babe.
Hey, baby.
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This is for you.
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Baby, it's not even
Valentine's Day yet.
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I know, but every day
is special with you.
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Oh, Julius, you didn't have to.
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But since you did...
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You see all this right here?
You see that?
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That's why Tonya don't need
to be running around
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talking about
she got a boyfriend.
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Julius, she's 10 years old.
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He's just a boy in her class.
It's no big deal.
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Rochelle, do you watch the news?
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Girls are having babies at 10.
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And grandbabies at 20.
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00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,255
Drew is the one
you need to be worried about.
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00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,692
What for?
So a few girls like him.
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00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:08,028
There's nothing wrong with that.
He's 11.
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00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,796
He's only
one year older than Tonya.
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00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,265
Pssht.
What is the difference?
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She is a girl.
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Baby, you cannot protect
Tonya from everything.
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You wanna bet? Watch me.
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I'll protect her
from everything. Everything.
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It was clear that my father
already had a plan.
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Daddy, this is Ronald.
My fiancé.
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Nice to meet you, sir.
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[GROANS]
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Mama! Daddy shot
my fiancé again.
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Hey, say what you want, but
that's effective birth control.
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[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
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Hey, why do girls like guys
that are mean to them?
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00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,268
Nice guys finish last.
169
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,004
Maybe the mean guys beat
the crap out of the nice guys
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so when the girls show up,
no one else is around.
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00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,175
Did you say anything
to her?
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I picked up her books
and I offered her a seat.
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Oh, man, this is major.
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What's her name?
Tangee.
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00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,982
Greg, this is for you.
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00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,851
Oh, yeah.
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00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:07,087
Please don't open it
until I leave.
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00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,688
Promise?
Okay.
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[***]
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Valentine's Day card?
181
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It says "Be mine."
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Okay.
183
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Yeah.
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00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:23,603
Man, "Be my valentine,"
that's so cool.
185
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Hey, look, you got one too.
186
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,578
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
187
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cupid hates your guts,
and I do too."
188
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,351
Well, at least this time
he wrote a poem.
189
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[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
190
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,892
I never knew when
I'd see Tangee on the bus,
191
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:48,628
so I was always excited
when I saw her get on.
192
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TANGEE: Let me go!
No.
193
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,632
Unfortunately, she was
always excited too.
194
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,736
Not "happy" excited, more
like "hold me back" excited.
195
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,706
Look what you did to my jacket.
It's all stretched out.
196
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,141
If you got on like I said,
it wouldn't have happened.
197
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,777
You ain't my daddy.
I don't have to do what you say.
198
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,612
Push me again
and see what happens.
199
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,148
Hey. Leave her alone.
200
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,250
What?
You heard him.
201
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,018
What you gonna do now?
202
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,754
Hey, I don't need any help
getting my ass whupped.
203
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,723
That's the one thing
I'm good at.
204
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:20,126
* Everybody hates Chris
205
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,238
Mind your business.
I couldn't back down now.
206
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:35,208
I was scared if I moved
I might pee myself.
207
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,743
No.
208
00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:39,646
Get the hell off my bus, boy.
209
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,182
Okay.
Not you. You.
210
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,351
Come on, let's go.
Why I got to get off?
211
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,353
He started it.
Quit lying.
212
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,987
He ain't start nothing.
213
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,690
Why don't you quit lying?
I said, get off.
214
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,892
Now move.
215
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,032
[BUS DOORS OPEN]
216
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,934
You want to sit down?
217
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,769
Sure.
218
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,240
Why'd you do that?
I don't know.
219
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,908
I wasn't thinking, I guess.
220
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,944
My father said you're not
supposed to hit a girl.
221
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:13,713
You know your father?
Yeah.
222
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,784
Nobody's ever looked out for me
like that before.
223
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,352
What's your name?
Chris.
224
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,788
[***]
225
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,162
I'm Tangee.
226
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,797
Here.
227
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,365
A Valentine's Day card?
228
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:36,970
Yeah. I was gonna give it
to Clyde, but he makes me sick.
229
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,938
Thanks.
This was great,
230
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,440
my first Valentine's.
231
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,243
So what if it was meant
for a future wife beater?
232
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,711
He ain't beat me.
233
00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:46,880
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
234
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,449
Hi. Is Drew home?
235
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,184
Do you realize
it's 8:30 at night?
236
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,986
Drew is in bed.
237
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,821
He is 11.
238
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,724
E-L-E-V-E-N, 11.
239
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,059
I--
Go home.
240
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,860
If I see you
around my child again,
241
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,396
I'm calling the cops. Got that?
Yeah, I--
242
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:07,033
Okay, I know all of that.
I know, girl, I know.
243
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,435
Beat it.
244
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,806
Ooh, these are my favorites.
245
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,874
Mm! Mm-mm-mm.
246
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,944
All right, bye, Dad.
See you later, son.
247
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,880
Daddy, you haven't walked us
to school in a long time.
248
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,516
I know. It's been a while.
249
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,885
Aren't you supposed
to be sleeping?
250
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,755
Yeah. I can get my rest later.
251
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,391
Mama said you don't like
walking us to school.
252
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,126
That's not true.
253
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,894
You want a dollar?
Yeah.
254
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:38,064
All right. There you go.
255
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,267
Hey, since I'm here,
256
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,437
why don't you show me which one
of these kids is your boyfriend?
257
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,207
Oh, um...there he is.
258
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,875
James!
259
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,246
So that's him, huh?
Yeah.
260
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,848
All right.
261
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,185
Bye, Daddy.
All right, bye, baby.
262
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,792
Can I talk to you for a minute?
263
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:06,893
[CHILDREN CLAMORING]
264
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,194
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
265
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,397
Get over here.
What's your name?
266
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,832
My name is "Don't worry
about what my name is."
267
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,168
What, you think you're some
kind of ladies' man?
268
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:18,071
I don't know any ladies.
They're not even ladies to you?
269
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,306
No. Uh, I don't know...
270
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,043
Who are you?
Don't worry about who I am.
271
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,178
Worry about
who you're giving them cards to.
272
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,081
I want my mama.
Oh, so you a mama's boy?
273
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,817
Yes.
Well, listen up, mama's boy.
274
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,586
You stay away from
my daughter, you hear me?
275
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,088
Huh?
276
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:35,955
[CRYING]
277
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,357
Hey, man, stop that.
278
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,892
Hey, stop that.
279
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,226
MAN:
Hey, stay away from that boy!
280
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,530
Get out of here!
I was just talking to him.
281
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,132
MAN:
Hey, you, I'm talking to you!
282
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,968
While my father was getting rid
of Tonya's valentine,
283
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,971
I wish he'd been around
to get rid of mine.
284
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,040
[***]
285
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,210
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
286
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,448
Please go back to Africa
and take your mother with you.
287
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,849
[LAUGHING]
288
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,151
Happy Valentine's Day."
BOY: Moron.
289
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:08,955
Another card like this,
and I might just go to Africa.
290
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,359
What's wrong with you?
291
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,427
I'm trying not to bump
into Joy again.
292
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,062
The school's only but so big.
293
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,164
You're bound to run
into her sometimes.
294
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,266
I just don't know
what my next move is.
295
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,502
Well, did you get her a card?
No.
296
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,537
Then that's your next move.
297
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,407
You can come with me.
I was gonna go get one anyway.
298
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,975
For who?
299
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,311
The girl on the bus.
She gave me one yesterday.
300
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,879
And you didn't tell me?
301
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,381
I go to bed early,
but you can call
302
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,583
and wake me up when something
this important happens.
303
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,351
Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.
304
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,320
I broke up a fight between
her and her boyfriend.
305
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,523
You broke up a fight?
Yeah, and she gave me this card.
306
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,025
Dude, this is huge.
307
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,893
Is it? I-I don't know.
308
00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,029
It... It's just a card.
309
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,297
A card is,
"I'm yours for the taking."
310
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,200
How in there do you have to be
before you get it?
311
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,169
Why is it
that when it comes to me,
312
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,171
you know so much about girls,
313
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,440
but you freak out
when one gives you a card?
314
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,310
I guess it's kind of like not
being able to cut your own hair.
315
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,413
Before you ever
buy a girl a gift,
316
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:10,050
the first thing you've got to
do is buy her the perfect card.
317
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,351
Nah, that's too much.
318
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,954
You haven't even
kissed her yet. Have you?
319
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:19,459
Um...how about this one?
320
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,927
"You know the deal.
321
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,462
I want you to be my valentine."
322
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,433
That's cool, but it's more
for a friend than a girl.
323
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,135
Whoa, cool.
324
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:32,238
"Relatively speaking,
would you be my valentine?"
325
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:36,509
This is perfect.
For Tangee? No, thanks.
326
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,677
No, for Joy.
327
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,612
Greg never fought being a nerd.
328
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,682
I always wondered
how that worked out for him.
329
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,418
[***]
330
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,619
[HORN HONKING]
331
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,388
Come on, honey!
332
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,726
Greg, when did you get
this car?
333
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,261
Well, the Bentley's
in the shop.
334
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,003
I kind of like this one.
335
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,108
Dude, this card is $2.50.
336
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,377
Hey, you've gotta pay
to play, right?
337
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,251
Quick, give me my card.
338
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,219
Here.
339
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,054
Here. This is for you.
340
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,189
Thank you.
GREG: No, no, no, no.
341
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,392
Read it when you get home.
Okay.
342
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,630
Man, that was close.
343
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,432
What's this?
344
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,234
Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
345
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,406
Chris!
346
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,473
How could you?
347
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,443
When I found out how Caruso
had been teasing you,
348
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,546
I thought you'd appreciate
a real valentine from someone.
349
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,349
Obviously, I was wrong.
Nowadays, you wish
350
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,718
all the teacher
gave your kids were cards.
351
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,422
I didn't know it was yours.
352
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,491
While I couldn't have been
less popular, back at home,
353
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,027
Drew couldn't have been
more popular.
354
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,163
[PHONE RINGS]
355
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,433
Hello?
GIRL:Is my valentine home yet?
356
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,035
No, Drew is
still outside playing.
357
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,171
Stop calling here!
358
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:12,572
What's wrong, what's wrong?
359
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:13,707
All these girls calling.
360
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,442
It's getting on my nerves.
361
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,277
I already have
enough to deal with.
362
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,180
Can you believe some maniac
threatened the kids?
363
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,482
I've gotta go pick them up
from school today.
364
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,684
Well, at least Drew's there
to protect Tonya.
365
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,687
Now, what are we gonna do
about Drew and these girls?
366
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:30,090
Huh? What?
367
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,458
Julius, every five minutes,
368
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,626
some girl is calling
or knocking at the door.
369
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,163
Drew is way too young
to get this much attention.
370
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,333
Rochelle, it's nothing, okay?
371
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,335
Drew's only 11 years old.
372
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,070
He don't care
about those girls.
373
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,539
Boys are becoming fathers
even at age 12.
374
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,442
CHRIS ROCK:
And great-grandfathers at 43.
375
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,144
Baby, relax.
376
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,212
Don't worry about it.
377
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,713
You don't worry about it,
378
00:16:53,747 --> 00:16:56,716
'cause I ain't about to let
nobody call me Grandmama.
379
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,485
With my mother on the job,
380
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,421
I didn't get a girl
till I was 33.
381
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:05,792
Meanwhile, Drew had more girls
than an Usher after-party.
382
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,229
Happy Valentine's Day, Drew.
383
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,432
Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson.
Uh-huh.
384
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,435
As bad as my Valentine's Day
had been going, I knew
385
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,772
I could count on my bus crush
to make it all right.
386
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,474
Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat.
387
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,112
Thanks.
388
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,450
Can I ask you something?
What?
389
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,653
How come you go with a guy
that you always fight with?
390
00:17:33,687 --> 00:17:37,857
I'm not going with him anymore.
He's stupid.
391
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,359
That's all I needed to hear.
392
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,161
Hey, I got you something.
393
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,830
Really? That's so sweet.
394
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,132
What else?
395
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,467
What else, what?
396
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,270
Where's the gift?
I only got you a card.
397
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,605
That's it?
It's Valentine's Day,
398
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:56,276
and all you got me was
this cheap-ass card?
399
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,445
I-I just met you.
So?
400
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,413
Where's the flowers?
Where's the candy?
401
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,382
I thought I meant
something to you.
402
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,850
I thought we had a connection.
403
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,553
You know, I could have stayed
with Clyde's sorry ass
404
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,555
if this is how you
were gonna treat me.
405
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,490
Can you please quiet down?
You don't tell me to be quiet.
406
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,493
Why don't you be quiet?
Better yet, shut up!
407
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,296
Gonna tell me to be quiet.
You ain't my daddy!
408
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,897
Getting cursed out on a bus
409
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,267
is not really how I expected
to end my Valentine's Day,
410
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:22,702
but it did prove my point.
411
00:18:22,736 --> 00:18:25,338
If you have a crush,
you get crushed.
412
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,440
This is a piece of paper!
I don't need this!
413
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,410
Where was the bus driver
with a bat when you needed him?
414
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,278
I kissed your
little funky cheek,
415
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,780
but I could have
stayed with Clyde.
416
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:37,317
Here, take back your stupid
card. I do not need this.
417
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:43,723
Drew, you gotta return
these cards to Miss Johnson.
418
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,859
A 30-year-old married woman
419
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,828
giving cards
to my 11-year-old son.
420
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:51,231
What about the candy?
421
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:54,501
I think sending
the cards back makes the point.
422
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,372
Giving the card to Tangee
didn't work out,
423
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,608
but I knew my mother
would appreciate one.
424
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,510
Thank you, sweetie.
425
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,279
You didn't have to give me
a card.
426
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,648
I already know that you love me.
427
00:19:08,682 --> 00:19:10,383
[CHUCKLES]
428
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,653
Who the hell is Joy?
429
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:18,792
Joy, are you dating a black guy?
430
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,593
She did, five years later.
431
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:24,397
* Everybody hates Chris
432
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,637
[***]
433
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,373
* Aw, make it funky now