[***]
CHRIS ROCK: When you first become a teenager,
you think it's cool to just be a teenager.
Then you find out no matter how cool you act,
if you don't look cool, you might as well be 5 years old.
And the coolest thing you could have when I was 13
was a leather jacket.
He might not have a daddy,
but he's got a leather jacket.
Keisha, you got a leather jacket too?
My mom just got it off layaway for me.
I was thinking about getting one.
You are? Why?
Look at me. I'm skinny and I'm short.
I'm not gonna become cool overnight.
You don't look that bad, though.
Yeah, but I need something.
Think a leather jacket would help?
I guess.
All I was thinking is that the right leather jacket
would have turned me from this guy...into this guy.
Chris. That leather jacket is cool.
Let's hang out.
As soon as I'm finished posing.
I knew where to get a leather jacket.
Now all I needed was money.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
A leather jacket? What do you need a leather jacket for?
Keisha said it was cool.
Think a leather jacket's gonna make you cool?
It made these guys gazillionaires.
It could. The only thing is, I don't have $50.
Just save up your allowance.
My what? Your allowance.
It's money that your parents give you every week.
I'd heard about allowances,
but I didn't know they actually existed.
I thought it was just something that happened on TV.
Here you go, son. A thousand dollars.
Thank you, father.
[CHUCKLING]
Since my father was always working,
he always seemed kind of grumpy.
It seemed like there was never a good time
to ask my father for money.
Daddy, can I have $15 to go on a field trip
to the Statue of Liberty? Okay.
Hey, Dad, can I have $5 to go to the show?
Okay.
Baby, can I get $25 to go shopping?
Okay.
It looks like this might be a good time after all.
Hey, Dad? Can I get a leather jacket?
A leather jacket? You got some leather-jacket money?
What do you need a leather jacket for?
What's wrong with Drew's old coat?
Instead of Drew wearing my old clothes,
I wore his old clothes.
I think I was the first kid to get hand-me-ups.
It's too small, it's out of style
and it's just not cool.
It ain't supposed to be cool.
It's supposed to be warm.
Being warm is cool.
I'm not asking you to buy it. I'll save up.
Save up what?
I was hoping you can give me an allowance.
I know it sounded like an innocent enough question,
but here's what he heard.
Since you work like a slave all day
and don't have time to enjoy your money, can I have it?
I'm not giving you money for doing nothing.
An allowance?
I'll allow you to sleep here at night.
I'll allow you to eat them potatoes.
I'll allow you to use my lights.
I'll allow you to drink my Kool-Aid.
I'll allow you to nibble on them green beans.
I'll allow you to look at that TV.
I'll allow you to run up my gas bill.
I'll allow you to walk up my stairs.
I'll allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions.
Why should I give you an allowance
when I already paid for everything you do?
Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?
I'm finished.
I was talking to Greg. He said that he gets $5 a week.
Sounds like Greg's doing better than me.
Ask him for an allowance.
You want to buy a leather coat,
you need to get a leather-coat job.
While things might have been tight with my father,
my mother was getting loose.
She was always happy when she had the house to herself.
She caught up on her reading.
She talked on the phone.
She ate expensive candy she hid from us.
But there was one thing that she never counted on
to mess up her day.
Coming...
What are y'all doing here?
Something went wrong at our school.
Something about the paint.
Before vending machines were put into schools,
hungry kids often snacked on lead paint chips.
Mm.
This is good!
If we had ladders, he'd have ate the asbestos.
I want one! Me too! Me too! Me too!
Come on, me too! Hey, give me some!
So we can go back after they finish
repainting our classrooms.
All right, well, stay out of my way,
'cause I'm cleaning up.
What are we gonna do all day?
I don't know. Go play.
But you all better not mess up my house till after 4:30!
I mean, asbestos kills. A little paint ain't gonna hurt.
After a day out of school, my mother wasn't having any fun.
And neither were Tonya and Drew.
What are you doing? Nothing.
When broke kids get bored,
they play one of the cheapest games ever invented:
"I Dare You."
I dare you
to put these ice cubes under your armpit.
For how long? One minute.
Okay.
Whoo! Ah! One...
two... Count normal, Tonya.
Three... What is wrong with you?
I dared him to put ice cubes under his arms.
Take the ice cubes from under your arm.
Not...in the glass.
Boy, people gotta drink from that.
Okay, I dare you to drink it.
You better not. That's nasty. I'm not.
Know what, since y'all want to dare so bad,
dare each other to sit down and act like y'all got some sense.
How about that? I'll be glad when y'all go back to school.
You are driving me up the wall.
Two walls.
Now you have to do something. That's nasty.
Meanwhile, I felt like the only guy on earth
without a leather jacket. You got a leather jacket?
Cool, huh? My dad got it for me at the army surplus store.
Hey, weren't you the one
who said leather didn't make you cool?
Yeah, but I was wrong.
So, what did your dad say about an allowance?
He said no... for about two hours.
Hi, Greg. Nice jacket.
Wait, she's talking to you?
Cool, huh?
I gotta get me a leather jacket.
Finding a job when you're 13
is not the easiest thing to do.
I applied for easy jobs...
Now, why would I pay you to put groceries in a bag
when I can put them in a bag my damn self?
I applied for hard jobs... Security guard, huh?
You ever been shot?
I even applied for jobs I didn't know I was applying for.
You any good with matches?
There's a new barber down the block.
He needs to be taught a lesson.
[TONYA GIGGLES]
I dare you to slide down these stairs
on your back. Give me the towel.
Only place more dangerous than the streets of Brooklyn
were the hallways of Brooklyn.
[THUDDING] [DREW GROANING]
After running out of options,
I could only think of one person
that could help me find work.
Hey.
Dad, can you help me get a job?
What? I want to get a leather jacket.
I've been trying to get a job, but it's not working out so far.
You want it that bad, huh? Yeah.
Want to come to work with me? For real?
Yeah. Tomorrow's Saturday.
You can come do deliveries with me.
I'll be back in a few hours. Now, be downstairs at 3:30.
Not 3:31. Don't worry. I'll be down early.
No such thing as early.
You're either on time or you're late.
I was committed to getting that jacket.
Nothing was going to stop me. Nothing except a nap.
[***]
[HORN HONKING]
[SNORING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
* Everybody hates Chris
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: He pulls up and shoots the 12-footer.
Vandross got the rebound. He lays it up and in.
CHRIS ROCK: I thought my father would be mad that I missed work.
Instead of getting a leather jacket,
I thought I was gonna get a leather belt.
What happened this morning?
I overslept. How come you didn't come get me?
You the one want the job.
Job ain't gonna wait for you.
[***]
In the game of dare, there are no rules,
there are no regulations and the game doesn't end
till somebody's dead.
I dare you.
What you gonna give me?
Two dollars.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Drink it. Hurry up.
Hurry up, Tonya.
More.
Drink it. Whoa!
[GROANING]
Heh-heh, cool.
How was it?
Give me my $2.
[ALARM BUZZES]
The next morning, I was up earlier
than a Marine with a paper route.
Coffee?
[MACHINERY WHIRRING, SQUEALING]
Working with my father was mind-blowing.
I couldn't believe how big it was,
how loud it was, how fast everything was going.
I felt like an Amish kid in Vegas.
Come on.
JULIUS: What's up, George? Hey, Herc.
What's up? Hey!
Who's this? That's my son, Chris.
Who's Herc? Herc, like Hercules.
That's a strong man.
The only other names I knew my father by
were the words my mother called him,
and they didn't have nothing to do with being strong.
So, little Herc, you funny like your old man?
My father's funny?
Nah, he ain't that funny.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Funnier than you two corny...
[HORN HONKS] [MEN EXCLAIM]
My father never cursed at home,
so hearing him curse at the job
made me feel like I was in a secret club.
Get to work before I bring your mama back in here.
Oh, no. No mamas.
Yeah, okay, whatever you say. See you, Little Herc.
Tell your mama to come back here too, man.
[HORN HONKING] [ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, let's get to work.
I haven't heard cursing like that
since my father stepped on my mother's bunion.
[TONYA GROANS]
[TONYA GROANING, CRYING]
At home, the dare game was over,
but the trouble was just starting.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GROANING SOFTLY]
What's wrong, baby? I heard you all the way from my room.
My stomach hurts really bad.
Let me feel.
Oh, no. You're burning up. Let me feel your tummy.
[SQUEALS, CRYING]
Okay, baby, I'm gonna take you to the emergency room.
I'm gonna get your coat. Drew, get up!
Going to the doctor was serious business,
because usually, if something was wrong with one of us,
my parents thought they could fix it with Robitussin.
Ow! I burned my finger!
Oh, let me see, boy, let me see.
Oh, take some Robitussin.
Looks like a tooth broke off.
Mm. I'll go get the Robitussin.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
ROCHELLE: What? Chris just got hit by a car.
Oh, my God, I'll go get the Robitussin.
[GROANING]
I'm not telling her. You're the one who drank it.
You dared me! Shh. Be quiet.
Okay, come on. Let's go.
It was cold outside.
I was tired, and those papers were heavy.
I was starting to wonder
if that leather jacket was worth it.
Hey, Chris. What time you getting off?
Never. I gotta pay off this jacket.
Okay, that's it.
Good. Now can we have a break?
We don't get a break for another three hours.
Come on.
[SIRENS BLARING]
If you watch TV, you know that an emergency room
is one of the most exciting places you can be.
Wrong.
Yeah, Charlie and Karen, They broke up.
No! Well, he went back to New York.
Excuse me, nurse. My baby's stomach is killing her.
The thing about people who work in emergency rooms
is they're not the ones with the emergency, you are.
Really? Oh, but did you see Tracy with her new man?
But do you see me standing here with a sick child?
Do you see me here talking to somebody?
Quit hollerin' at people! I don't need this.
My man has three jobs!
[***]
Being at work with my father
was one of the coolest things I ever did. We broke laws...
Oh! Hey, we can make it! That's red!
Hold on, man. Here we go. Whoa!
Let's go! Let's go! Aah!
Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah! Yeah!
...cursed people out.
[HORN HONKING]
Hurry up! Let's go! Get out of the way!
[HORN BLARING]
Kiss my ass! That's right!
You too! That's right!
That was one of the most exciting nights of my life.
We delivered papers in Brooklyn.
We delivered papers in Queens, Little Italy, Chinatown,
Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem,
the Bronx, Greenwich Village.
We delivered papers to people I didn't even know could read.
And after delivering more than 15 tons' worth of newspapers,
all I could think was, "Where the hell is the sun?"
Um, number 36, the doctor will see you now.
Oh, no, no, no! Come on! This is ridiculous!
Who's gonna help my baby? That man's been shot.
Just because she's not shot doesn't mean she isn't hurt.
If this wasn't an emergency,
we wouldn't have come to the emergency room.
Look, if she doesn't get to see a doctor,
we're gonna have to get you a doctor.
Yeah. Now.
I'm sorry it took you so long to get in.
It's about time somebody threatened
to kick that nurse's ass.
Mm, I think we have to run some tests.
What kind of tests? Well, first we need
to draw some blood, little lady. I'll be right back.
Mama, I don't want... Baby, you have to take the test
in order for you to feel better. Mom, uh...
I have to tell you something.
What?
I dared Tonya to drink a hot sauce shake.
A hot sauce shake? Girl, what in the world would you do that for?
He dared me!
Doctor, I don't think that'll be necessary.
My son dared her to drink a hot sauce shake.
A hot sauce shake?
Yeah, you know, vinegar, hot sauce, syrup and milk.
I didn't know it'd make her that sick.
I know what to do.
Here.
What is this? Ipecac.
This is to induce vomiting.
When she's done, she may have a slight cough.
Give her some Robitussin.
She'll be fine.
Ain't no fussin' with the 'Tussin.
Ow!
Julius, you gotta take that truck back over to DeKalb.
I'll do it tomorrow. No, I need it done now.
You can't find somebody else?
Why should I find somebody else? I found you.
I want that truck back over to DeKalb now.
The only person I ever saw tell my father what to do
was my mother.
You just gonna let him tell you what to do?
Either that or I won't have nothing to do. Come on.
Ow.
That hurt.
You worked hard. Yeah.
Feels kind of good, don't it? Yeah.
After everything I'd been through,
I understood my father a lot more.
Because when you work that hard,
you think about every dime you spend.
And I was thinking about how I was gonna spend mine.
Twenty-five dollars? That's right.
You earned every penny.
Don't forget to ice down your arms.
But I need 50 for the jacket.
No, you don't. You want 50. There's a difference.
When I asked you for the jacket, you said I should get a job.
And I got a job. Job didn't pay enough.
Man, you got $25.
I didn't make my first $25 till I was 30 years old.
And I still got two of 'em.
Look, you want the jacket, save your money.
You can work with me again next week.
Okay. Hey...
Bye, Mommy. See ya.
Have a good day at school.
A few days later, Drew and Tonya were back in school
and my mother could go back to her routine.
I've never seen a woman so happy to clean.
Ooh!
Hello. Hello.
Meanwhile, I was still wishing
my job had worked out a little better.
After all I'd gone through with my father,
I appreciated him that much more.
Hi, man. How do you like my jacket?
You got that one? I got the last one on sale.
But I didn't go out in the middle of the night
and do all that work for nothing.
[***]
Aren't you hot in that thing?
Please. I'm fine.
Chris?!
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now