[FUNK BEAT PLAYING]
[SPORTS ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]
Chris, look at your sister.
What happened to her?
You weren't watching her,
that's what happened to her.
I told you I wanted a cookie.
Mom, I just sat down for a minute.
Do you know what can happen in a minute?
Now, go get your sister washed up now.
[SPORTS ANNOUNCER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Come on, Tonya.
NARRATOR: Thanks to Drew and Tonya,
I was taking care of kids
until I was taking care of my own kids.
Chris, get me some potato chips.
Chris, help me with my homework.
Chris, find my doll.
Make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Make me Kool-Aid. Strap up my shoe.
Chris, I'm going to take a shower.
Watch the kids.
Chris, tie my shoe!
Chris, I'm going to pick up my Porgy's.
Watch the kids!
Chris, help! My head is stuck!
Chris, I'm going to eat some peanuts.
Watch the kids.
I'm going to get my mustache waxed.
Watch the kids.
Chris! Chris!
[***]
* Aww, make it funky now
[SPORTS ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]
Whoa! Whoa!
NARRATOR: The one thing that Drew and I did together
was watch basketball games andRockymovies.
Tonight was basketball.
Whoa! See that shot? Whoa!
NARRATOR: But since we only had one TV, we had to share with Tonya,
and Tonya always got her way.
Mama said I can watch Three's Company.
We're watching the game. I don't care.
[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS] [***]
Move.
* Ooh, so you say
Mm.
Oh, hey, baby.
How was work?
Hard.
You know, I was thinking
that maybe we should go out, you know?
Have dinner...
relax a little.
Why would I go out to relax,
when I can relax at home for free?
NARRATOR: That was my father's rationale for everything.
Twenty dollars to get in the club?
We can dance at home for free.
I just wanted to do something nice.
That's all.
I think staying home is nice.
Well, you're not here all day.
Well, why don't I stay home,
and you can go out and work two jobs?
[SPEAKING IN MUFFLED SLOW-MOTION] I'm sorry.
NARRATOR: Where's a time machine where you could just go back
and shut up?
I did not mean-- I'm not trying to take anything away
from what you do here. That's okay.
If you don't want to go out, you don't have to.
No, look-- It's okay, no.
Enough said.
It's over. Over.
NARRATOR: There are two things my father knew for sure:
He knew he knew nothing for sure,
and he knew this wasn't over.
[***]
KIDS: Hey, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Y'all eating already?
KIDS: Mm-hmm.
Where's your mother?
KIDS: In the kitchen.
Hey, babe.
What's for dinner?
Well, the kids are having chicken.
What about me?
Well, you got two jobs.
You could take your two-job money
and go buy you a two-job meal.
I'm sorry, baby.
If you want to go out, we can go out.
Thank you, baby, oh!
I'll call Sheila's babysitter
and tell her she can come tomorrow.
Why do we got to pay a babysitter
when Chris'll do it for free?
No, he does it during the day, not at night.
Rochelle, we don't really need...
Do you want me to make you some chicken?
Okay, well, I'm gonna call Sheila's babysitter.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Hi, I'm Yvette.
Oh, okay, come on in.
Okay, so I have some chicken
baking in the oven. Just take it out
in about 20 minutes.
Chris and Drew are gonna watch the game.
What am I gonna do while Chris and Drew
are watching the game?
Well, you can hang with me.
I'll show you how to do French braids.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Yvette, I left the number to the restaurant
by the phone.
Now, call me if anything goes wrong, okay?
Everything's gonna be fine.
Chris, I don't want that girl calling us.
So if there's a problem...
handle it.
Me and your mother don't go out often,
so I don't want nothing to spoil it.
Here.
Whoa, what's this? That's emergency money.
NARRATOR: My father believed there's nothing $10 couldn't fix.
What if something costs $11?
Talk them down to 10.
Got it.
Okay, you guys be good. All right, Chris.
Call me if you need anything, okay?
YVETTE: Okay. Okay, bye, y'all.
Bye. Bye-bye. Bye, Dad.
JULIUS: Bye, sweetie. Take your time and have fun.
Welcome to Pastures and Shores.
May I take your order?
Okay, I'll have the all-you-can-eat
shrimp and sirloin combo, well done,
order of coleslaw and a Coke.
And you, sir? JULIUS: I'll have
the ultimate surf and turf and a large Coke.
[CASHIER TYPING]
[REGISTER DINGS] That'll be 17.99.
Ooh. Wait, baby.
Are you sure we can afford this?
It's okay. I have coupons.
NARRATOR: If there was a coupon for something, my father had it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's this?
A coupon-- No tickets on Tuesday.
This doesn't include the all-you-can-eat
shrimp and sirloin combo.
Oh, you know what?
I'll just order something else.
I'll take the-- No, it's okay.
I want everything to be perfect.
Get what you want.
I'll pay for it.
Is there a problem?
Can I have my coupon?
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: ...to Irving inside, and Irving gets the basket.
NARRATOR: Having a babysitter in the house was great,
because the only kid I had to worry about was me.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll be right back.
ANNOUNCER: Sixers beat the Knicks five out of six.
No, I can't talk right now.
NARRATOR: My mother would never hire someone
she thought was irresponsible.
But irresponsible people never tell you
that they're irresponsible-- because they're irresponsible!
Chris, I gotta go.
What do you mean, you gotta go? I got something
I gotta do. You are doing something!
You stayed with your brother and sister before, right?
Yeah, but that's only during the day.
You'll be fine. I'll be right back.
NARRATOR: At that moment, I wanted to bust her right upside the head.
I'm hungry.
ROCHELLE: Oh, our food, yeah.
Oh.
Thank you.
JULIUS: I am hungry.
Thank you.
Oh, wait, wait. Uh, excuse me.
I ordered coleslaw, but this is potato salad.
I'll get the manager.
We don't want the manager.
We want coleslaw.
I'll get the manager.
Is there a problem?
Uh, my wife ordered coleslaw and got potato salad.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding,
but that meal comes with potato salad.
But I ordered coleslaw.
But it comes with potato salad.
We'd be happy to sell you
a side of coleslaw for 79 cents,
you just have to get back in line.
NARRATOR: Never go out on the day they give out welfare checks.
You got a thousand paper cups of coleslaw back there.
You can't take this back and bring her one?
Know what? Never mind. Just bring me a bowl--
I'll have some of his coleslaw. Not a problem.
No, no, can't do that, ma'am.
We have a no-sharing policy.
So what you're telling me
is that I can't have
some of my husband's coleslaw?
That's what you're saying to me?
[LAUGHS] You could, but we would have to ask you to leave.
Heh. You know... You know what?
I eat at home.
That's why I cook my own meals.
I'll get you coleslaw.
Is there anything else?
Enjoy your meal.
What the hell-- Does he think he's Mr. T?
Why is he acting like that? It's okay.
This is our night, it's our night.
You're right.
Oh, man.
What's that?
It's my baby.
You can't bring that baby here.
Would you be quiet, and let me handle this?
You can't bring that baby here.
It'll just be for a little while.
Did you bring something back to eat? I'm hungry.
I forgot your mother put some chicken in the oven for you.
I'm gonna run and get you guys something to eat.
Watch the baby, okay?
You can't leave your baby here.
Why not? Because you're babysitting.
I'm just going down to Lincoln Fried Chicken.
What if he gets hungry? Or throws up?
He won't-- It'll be fine.
I'll be right back.
NARRATOR: At that moment, I was sure
of two things: I wasn't gonna be fine,
and she wasn't gonna be right back.
* Everybody hates Chris
[BABY GURGLING]
[***]
What's this?
Why didn't they just give you a cup of coleslaw?
It's this big.
It'll be here in a few minutes.
[SIGHS]
Where you going? I'm going to check
on the kids. The kids are fine...
I'm just going to check, okay?
DREW: Whoa-- A behind the back, off the backboard dunk!
Chris, man, you're missing it!
Come on!
Shh, would you be quiet?
Stop yelling and turn the TV down.
You think she's coming back? She better.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey, baby, how's it going?
CHRIS: Good.
[BABY COOING]
Is that a baby?
No, it's the TV. [CONTINUES COOING]
Oh. Well, where's Yvette?
She's in the bathroom.
Okay. We'll be home in a little while, all right?
Okay.
Okay, love you. All right, bye.
NARRATOR: I know you're thinking:
"Why didn't I just tell my mother what was going on?"
Well, I figured it couldn't get any worse.
Hi, um, is Yvette here?
She just left. And who are you?
I'm Mario. Is that my baby?
I don't know, is it?
I know. He takes after his mom.
NARRATOR: We didn't know if it was his baby, either.
But trust me, there ain't no black man picking up a baby
that ain't his.
What's he doing here? Where did she go?
She went to get us something to eat.
She's babysitting us. My boy...
TONYA: Where you think you're going?
You can't just leave with somebody's baby.
Look, when she comes back,
tell her I'll be over my mother's house.
DREW: Whoa! Chris, you should've seen it!
Bernard King hit a shot from the top of the key,
stole it and hit another one right before the half!
I'm hungry.
NARRATOR: Sometimes my father would be so focused
on everything going right,
he didn't realize he was the reason
it was going wrong.
It's okay.
Your coleslaw will be here any minute.
Why do you make such a big deal out of nothing?
Because I spent good money on this.
I expect it to be good.
Well, is it about the money or is it about me?
Why would you even ask me that?
We have been waiting 30 minutes
for a Dixie Cup full of coleslaw.
Think about it.
Never mind.
Oh, finally!
Enjoy your coleslaw.
I'm sorry.
I don't get to take you out as much as I'd like.
It's okay, baby.
I just want everything to be right.
But as long as I'm with you, everything's perfect.
I love you-- [DOORS SWING OPEN]
MAN: Everybody down!
Get down! Now!
Damn it!
Hey. Hey.
NARRATOR: Isn't it funny how irresponsible people think
they can change the world with chicken?
Chris, man, this is the best game I ever seen.
You gotta come watch.
Chris, where's the baby?
His father took him.
You gave my baby to a stranger?
No, to his father.
That could be anybody.
He asked for you at the door.
And the baby said "Da-Da."
Who else could it be?
I don't know!
Where'd they go?
To his mother's house.
I know-- You'll be right back.
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
Whoo! Yeah!
NARRATOR: As bad as things were going,
I could always count on one person to make things go
from bad to worse.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hello? I'm looking for my parents.
They're having dinner there tonight.
I think you got the wrong number.
This ain't no restaurant.
Tonya, what are you doing?
Hey! What are you doing?
I'm calling Mom. I'm answering the phone!
Are you trying to mess everything up?
You gonna mess everything up. Just put the money in there!
Mom said call if anything went wrong.
Something went wrong, so I'm calling.
Tonya, no. They're on a date.
If you call, you're gonna mess everything up.
Then Mama will be mad at Dad, Dad will be mad at me.
Just let me handle this, okay?
All I know is
somebody better French braid my hair.
Give me the money, big man!
Just watch where you point that thing.
ROBBER 1: Don't tell me where to watch.
I'll point this wherever I want.
Julius, just be quiet.
You better listen to your girl.
Hey, that's not my girl, that's my wife.
ROBBER 2: Hey, man, come on,
just get the money and let's go.
No, man over here trying to be a hero.
ROBBER 2: Hey, come on, I got this.
Chelle?
Huh?
Is that you?
It's me, Ricky!
Remember? From Flatbush!
I'm sorry, I-I don't believe I know who you are.
I used to be at the club
with Shine and them, remember?
We used to pop lock.
[GRUNTS]
Remember?
[GASPS] Ricky Edwards?
Donna's brother!
Yeah! Yeah! How you been?
Oh, good till now. How you been?
Oh, I'm hanging in there.
All right.
Hey, since you all so tight,
why don't you just let us slide?
Hey, man, if it was up to me, I would.
But my partner...crazy.
So you all going to have to put something in the bag.
Why don't we pretend we put something in the bag?
Because this ain't no pretend robbery!
Julius, just give him the money.
Um, can you just leave us a little for the babysitter?
You know how it is.
You got kids?
Boy, I got three!
Two boys and a girl!
Kids, they a blessing.
Yeah, love of my life.
Dig. Look, just give me 20.
Hurry up before my man see you.
Give him, give him! Hurry, before my partner sees.
Chelle... It was good seeing you, girl.
Aw, you too, man.
Hey! Don't tell nobody I did this.
[***]
Hello. TONYA: Hi.
Is Yvette here?
Who are you?
I'm her mother.
I came to pick up the baby.
His father took him. Where's Yvette?
She said she'll be right back.
Then again, she said that 30 minutes ago.
You mind if I come in and wait for her?
Come in.
Is everybody okay?
No, we're not okay, man,
we just got robbed. Julius...
NARRATOR: After everything that happened,
you would expect my mother's reaction
to be a little like this...
You are such a brave man.
Oh, baby, thank you for taking me to dinner
and standing up to those robbers.
Oh, baby, I love you so much.
NARRATOR: Instead, it went a little something like this.
Are you crazy?
What was you thinking, arguing with a masked gunman?
You could have been killed!
Do you think I got married
to raise three kids by myself?
The next time somebody tries to rob us...
get robbed!
Let's go!
Here's a coupon for a free meal
if you decide to come back again.
Thanks, man. Julius!
Take two. Good luck.
[BASKETBALL GAME PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
What happened to your hair?
Yvette said she was gonna teach me
how to French braid.
Does Yvette live with you?
Yes. Why?
My mama said if I have a baby
before I get married,
she says she's putting me out
because she ain't raising no babies.
You like raising babies? No.
How come you didn't put her out?
How old are you?
Nine.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
I'll get it!
You mother's here.
Chris, this is the best game I ever seen!
You gotta come watch!
How come you didn't tell me you were babysitting?
Why are you in my business?
You live in my house, you don't have any business.
I don't have to live at your house.
I'll move in with Mario.
You think Mario's mother
wants to deal with you? You need a job.
Why do you think I'm babysitting?
You weren't even here.
I was coming right back.
Hey, hey! That's enough.
Excuse me? CHRIS: You gotta leave,
and take that baby with you. Fine!
Not you, her.
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
CHRIS: If my mom comes home
and finds out what happened,
she's gonna ask me why I didn't tell her.
And I'm gonna say
because my dad told me not to.
And then she's gonna curse him out and kill me.
[SIGHS]
When are you coming home?
As soon as his mom and dad come back.
[BABY COOING]
Are you still gonna teach me
how to French braid my hair?
Yeah. Heh.
Oh, Chris, why don't you go watch your game?
Three, two, one!
Oh, man!
That was a good game! Heh, heh.
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
WOMAN 1 [ON TV]: What are you doing here?
WOMAN 2 [ON TV]: I came for the makeover!
Everything went okay? Everything went so good.
We had so much fun.
ROCHELLE: Good! YVETTE: They were good.
We should do it again.
ROCHELLE: For sure!
Maybe we could go to a movie next time.
NARRATOR: I wanted this to be a good night for my parents.
and I didn't want my father to think I couldn't handle things.
So I decided to keep everything that happened...
to myself.
JULIUS: Yvette, are you free next Friday?
No, no, no, no, no!
She left us to go get a baby.
When she came back, she burnt your chicken.
Then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby.
His name was Mario and was the baby's father.
When he left, she came back,
and the baby wasn't here.
She went to get the baby back,
her mother came to the door looking for her and the baby.
They had a fight about where to live.
She said she'd live at Mario's house. Who is Mario?
When she came back, she braided Tonya's hair.
Drew got to watch the game, you guys came back.
She's trying to make it look like everything
was all peachy and fine. It's not!
[***]
I told you we should have let Chris babysit.
Girl, give me my money back.
I'mma kick her ass.
Hold my wig. [BELL RINGS]
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR: Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.
[***]
* Aww, make it funky now