[***]
CHRIS ROCK: The toughest thing about going to a new school
was making friends. At my old school,
there were tons of kids just like me.
But at Corleone, I didn't fit in anywhere.
Not with the jocks...
not with the smart kids...
not with the troublemakers...
and definitely not with the theater crowd.
Look at him dance.
He went on to become the first Laker Boy.
The only group I fit in with were the nerds.
Yeah!
Hey! Give it back.
What'd he say that for?
Maybe theater isn't so bad.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
Man, I'm telling you, Bernard King, when he gets hot,
he can score 60, 70 points easy, I'm telling you.
Hey, man, check this out. What's that?
It's a breakdown on who's got a better front court,
the Knicks or the Lakers.
Since me and Greg couldn't play sports,
we talked about them all the time.
Front court? What's the difference
who's in the front court if Magic Johnson is in the back?
Good morning, gentlemen.
What was that? We got a social studies quiz.
All she said was "good morning." Trust me on this, man.
She only speaks to students when she's giving a pop quiz.
I gotta warn the others so we can study.
Magic Johnson has the ball.
Three seconds on the clock.
Two...
And the crowd goes wild.
[IMITATES CHEERING]
Hey, kid.
Kid, wait up.
What's your name? Are you a student here?
Chris. I just transferred here.
I'm Coach Brady.
Welcome to Corleone Junior High.
What I mean is, welcome to the basketball team.
The basketball team?
I didn't try out for basketball.
After a shot like that, you don't have to.
All I did was throw away a piece of trash.
If a white kid had done that, he wouldn't have even noticed.
But 'cause I was black, here's what the coach saw.
ANNOUNCER: ...gets the ball to Dr. J.
He goes inside... Unbelievable!
I know you probably play up at the courts in Harlem.
Uh, no, I'm from Bed-Stuy.
They're different?
Look, we were five and 20 last season,
but with you...
I'm asking you, give my program a shot.
Give your program a shot? I can't play.
Heh-heh, yeah, right.
Look, kid, I'm not blind.
CHRIS ROCK: I tried to play basketball once.
But I sucked.
Ball! Ball! Ball!
[GRUNTS]
I sucked at every sport I tried.
Baseball... football.
Like a fool, I even tried bowling.
[GROANS]
Look, son, I need you on this team.
What's your name again? My name's Chris.
Swish. That's you.
Swish.
You can suit up on game day. We're up against Delio.
Be at the gym at 3:30.
See you at the game, Swish.
[***]
When my mother wasn't working,
sometimes we would rent out a room upstairs
to make ends meet.
Are all these children yours?
Um, six of them are.
But I don't know where these other kids came from.
Do y'all take food stamps?
[GLASS BREAKING]
Hey, hey!
We've been here 15 minutes, you already acting up.
Every time we go out, you looking at her.
Go comb your hair. Comb my hair?
Go wait in the car. Go wait in the car.
We ain't got no car. We took the bus.
Y'all take food stamps?
So you work at the church?
[LOUDLY] Yes!
* Yes, I do
* And I just need a place, ha
* To lay my weary head, ha
* Not trying to pay more
* Than $300 a month, ha
* And all I need to know, ha
* Do you take
[IN FALSETTO] * Food stamps?
[***]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING, SHOUTING]
Hey, you know if that apartment's still for rent?
Oh, yeah, it's my place. I'm Julius.
Tate. Hey, nice to meet you.
It's clean, and it's nice. How much you asking?
Four fifty. Four fifty?
I can pay four months advance. Four months?!
All right, six, but that's it.
With six months in advance rent,
he could have shot my father in the ass
and still got the room.
Have you ate yet? There you go.
Come on up here, huh?
Watch out.
All right, so we're getting together today during lunch
and we're all gonna study for the...
You're Chris, right?
Yeah. Ha-ha! I'm Ernie D.
This is the team.
[OVERLAPPING GREETINGS]
Hey, uh, let's go grab some food.
BOY: Come on, man.
Come on.
All right, all right...
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]
Bird's got the range,
but Magic scored 42 points as a center.
Man, Bird shoots the lights out every night.
I'm telling you, the Knicks might make it this year.
A boy can dream.
Hey, you must be Chris. I'm Jennifer.
At that moment, I discovered one of life's great secrets.
Black guy plus basketball equals white girl.
Now, here's what would have happened
if I wasn't on the basketball team.
Oh, stop it!
That sucks. Oh, my ribs.
Hey, Chris, you want to study for the quiz?
Man, does it look like I want to study?
Look at me, man. I'm killing. I'm two feet from a girl!
Yeah, like I was saying, Bernard King,
he was incredible last night. Hey, Chris.
That was the first time Caruso ever said my name.
Good luck with the game tomorrow.
Good luck finding an ax to go with that shirt.
[JOCKS LAUGHING]
Being on the basketball team was gonna be all right.
As long as I didn't have to play.
Even though my father was the man of the house,
he wasn't supposed to make decisions without my mother.
You rented it to who? His name is Tate.
Now, is that his first name or his last name?
Did you get any references? Yeah.
Hamilton, Grant and Lincoln.
Come on.
[KNOCKS]
TATE: Yeah. Hello?
Rochelle...
this is Mr. Tate.
So my husband tells me you're from Chicago.
That look means "Hey, shut up! I know what I'm doing."
No, no, I'm from Philly.
Philly?
I love Philly. It's all right.
Okay, well, it's, um... nice to meet you.
Uh, if you need anything, you let us know.
Thank you, thank you very much.
That man is not from Philly.
People from Philly don't shut up about Philly.
All they want to talk about
is cheesesteaks and Bill Cosby and Patti LaBelle.
Who you know from Philly
don't want to talk about Patti LaBelle?
"Patti LaBelle this, Patti LaBelle that."
That man could be a serial killer
on the run from the law.
Yeah, you're right. Julius!
Everything I need to know about him
for the next six months is right here.
Well, I got a bad feeling about this.
[SCOFFS]
Feel on! Ooh!
Now hold up, hold up.
Books under the desk, eyes straight forward.
We're having a pop quiz.
Yes, I knew it.
[SARCASTIC] Good luck, Swish!
MS. MARTELLA: No talking.
[FURNITURE CLATTERING]
[DISTANT FOOTSTEPS]
[OBJECT SLIDING ACROSS FLOOR]
Julius, go up there and see what that man is doing.
Why don't you leave that man alone?
I'm trying to lay down for a few minutes
before I go back to work.
If I'm not getting any sleep,
you're not getting any sleep.
Now, that was mean.
Taking sleep from my father
was like taking ignorance from a rapper.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
TATE: Yeah?
It's Julius.
[LATCHES CLICKING]
Hey, Mr. Julius, how you doing?
Hey, um...
my-my wife said she heard sounds and it's keeping her up.
Sounds?
I didn't hear anything.
Look... I, um...
You know what? If...
If you hear something, just let me know.
Will do, Mr. Julius.
[LATCHES CLICKING]
So, what's he doing?
Nothing. Go to sleep.
Did you put latches on the door upstairs?
No, why?
Oh, nothing.
[FIGHTING NOISES ON TV]
Listen, I need a favor. Huh?
I got on the basketball team.
I need to learn how to play by tomorrow.
The basketball team? Man, are you crazy?
You don't know how to play. Didn't I say that?
I just need to know enough to look like I know something.
You know how to faint? You mean, fake somebody out?
No, like, fall down and bang your head on the ground
so you won't have to play.
[GROANS SOFTLY]
Okay, thank you so much for calling, Ms. Martella.
I really appreciate it.
Alrighty, then. Bye-bye.
Chris!
How come you didn't tell me you failed a quiz?
You failed a quiz?
Oh, no, no, it gets better than that.
Since he failed, he can't play in a basketball game tomorrow.
Thank the Lord! You're on the basketball team?
You can't play basketball.
Heh, I tried to tell him that. Great!
It always killed my father that I was no good at sports.
But he would never tell me that.
My man!
It always killed me that you were no good at sports.
I'm sorry I flunked off the team, Dad.
You're not off the team yet.
What? Lucky for you,
your coach got you a make-up quiz.
Damn!
JULIUS: That's what I'm talking about.
So after dinner, go upstairs and study.
Because if you don't pass that quiz,
I'm gonna score 40 on your behind.
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
CHRIS: Hey.
Oh, hi, Swish.
Good luck with the game.
Hey, hey, hey. I wasn't trying to blow you off the other day.
Then why did you? It was just...
It's just I'm not cool?
I liked hanging out with Greg,
but a life without daily ass-whuppings
does have its appeal.
No, it's not like that.
It's just...
it's kind of good to get a break.
All right. I mean, I can't blame you.
If I were you, I'd probably do the same thing.
Hey, I think I aced the quiz. I know I failed.
Wait, but doesn't that mean you can't play ball?
I wish.
Coach Brady found out and he got me a make-up.
My mom made me study all night.
And if I don't pass, she will kill me.
But if you do play, everybody's going to hate you.
Not everybody.
Just everybody on the team,
everybody who likes the team
and everybody else.
All done.
I decided to fail the test on purpose.
Whatever my mother might do to me,
at least it wasn't 400 of her.
You passed. What?!
Hold on, let me see this.
Every answer on this paper is wrong.
You are on the basketball team, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
Good luck at the game, Swish. Another life secret:
black man plus basketball equals a C-plus.
[***]
I passed.
[ALL CHEERING]
Way to go, baby! Way to go!
PLAYERS [CHANTING]: Swish! Swish! Swish...
I bet this is how Milli Vanilli must have felt
when they were walking up to accept their Grammy.
TATE: Miss... Oh!
I don't mean to bother you,
but can I borrow some Scotch tape
and some 10-pound test fishing line?
Fishing line?
Ten-pound test.
We don't have any fishing line, Mr. Tate.
Maybe your husband does.
Well, maybe I'll ask him when he gets home.
Thank you, ma'am.
I'll come back down.
[***]
That man is not from Philly.
[***]
Swish.
I want to run you through a couple plays.
Basically, here's you with the ball,
and here's the guys getting out of your way.
You got it?
Yeah, I got it.
Great. I'll see you out there.
[CROWD CHEERING]
CROWD [CHANTING]: Swish! Swish! Swish!
Swish! Swish! Swish!
You hear all those people? They believe in me.
And if they believed in me,
then I was going to believe in myself.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
[CROWD GROANING]
Come on, Swish!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
I thought you said you were from Harlem.
Sorry about the game, man.
You should have fainted like I told you.
Who's that white girl who kept screaming at you?
Nobody.
I'm sorry, baby.
At that time I didn't know what I was gonna be when I grew up.
But I knew I wasn't gonna be a basketball player.
Well, it's okay. At least I passed my social studies quiz.
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
[THUMPING, POUNDING]
What's that?
Nothing.
Anybody want some Kool-Aid? You need some Kool-Aid.
Julius, I thought something was wrong
the minute I laid eyes on that man, and now I know it.
I want him out of my house.
[KNOCKING]
TATE: Yes? It's me-- Julius.
Yes, Mr. Julius.
We need to come in.
Now? Yes, now.
Who's that?
Rochelle, your landlord.
Yes, Miss Rochelle.
[LATCHES CLICKING]
[BOTH MOUTHING WORDS]
JULIUS: I'm sorry.
What is going...?
Look, I don't know who you are or what you're doing,
but you got to go.
You're kicking me out?
I'm sorry. It's... it's not gonna work out.
I gave you six months' rent.
I know.
You've been here three days.
You don't know how much that's killing him right now.
I'm crying just looking at him.
That's 450... divided by 30...
Julius, you counted it 10 times.
Look, you gotta get your spooky ass out of here.
ROCHELLE: Come on, Julius.
I'm sorry... Julius!
I'll be back for my change.
You know what, Philly, my ass. Four hundred dollars!
[***]
Shh.
We're going up the stairs. Let's go. On my signal. Go!
ROCHELLE: I was telling you this was gonna happen.
Turns out my mother was right.
Mr. Tate wasn't from Philly.
He was wanted in so many states for so many crimes
that when they caught him, they had to let 30 guys go.
[CRASHING, THUMPING] [MEN SHOUTING]
What's that? Nothing.
That's just Mr. Tate leaving.
[CLATTERING CONTINUES]
Hm.
[LOUD THUMPING] [MEN SHOUTING]
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
Wait a minute. Where's my Kool-Aid?
[***]
Nice game, Raj.
The one chance you have to make yourself useful
and you blew it.
I'd punch you if you didn't stink so bad.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Hey, you bum!
* Yeah, yeah
* Ooh, ooh, ooh
* Ooh, ooh
* Ooh, yeah, yeah
Go for the yellow.
Yellow, come on! Yellow...
Hey, how come you didn't come to the game?
I felt bad not being there,
but I would have felt worse
seeing you miss those shots,
trip over the ball and pass to the other team.
You sure you weren't there?
The good thing about hanging out with nerds
was they were happy to hang out with anybody.
B-plus. Cool.
Wait a second. I thought I had a C-plus.
I thought you were on the team.
* Everybody hates Chris
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now