[***]
NARRATOR: 1982.
That was the year I turned 13.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing
that would happen to me was being a teenager.
I was going to have women, money, stay out late...
I thought it was going to be the bomb.
'Sup?
He's here! Chris is here!
Yo, Chris!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[CHANTING] Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
NARRATOR: Boy, was I wrong.
Chris!
Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!
Disgusting!
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
JULIUS: Come on, y'all, let's go. We got to move.
NARRATOR: When I was 13, my mother convinced my father
to move us out of the projects.
She always said, "'Project'
"is just another word for 'experiment.'"
In a lab, the government gives rats cheese.
In the projects, the government gives people cheese.
Dad...
can we stop at McDonald's?
You got some McDonald's money?
Julius, the kids have to eat.
They ain't got to eat McDonald's.
We got some bologna in the back. I'll pull over.
NARRATOR: My father Julius always kept bologna handy just in case.
We get one combo meal.
Drew gets the burger. Tanya gets the fries.
Chris, you can have the drink.
NARRATOR: One time, I just got ice.
[***]
NARRATOR: We moved to an apartment in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.
Now, had we known that Bed-Stuy
would be the center of a crack epidemic,
I guess we would've picked someplace else.
Bed-Stuy even had its own motto:
"Bed-Stuy, do or die."
Look at that. Look at that, look at that.
NARRATOR: Those are some of the guys that are going to die.
If I ever catch any of y'all
spray-painting on anybody's wall,
I'mma put my foot so far up your behind,
you'll have toes for teeth.
Get inside.
NARRATOR: That's my mother Rochelle.
She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.
Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.
I will knock you into last night.
I will slap your name out the phone book
and call Ma Bell and tell her I did it!
NARRATOR: That's my younger brother Drew.
There's nothing worse than having a little brother
that's bigger than you.
My sister, Tanya, was the youngest
and would do anything to get me in trouble.
Chris, clean that mess up.
Tanya did it. Uh-uh!
ROCHELLE: Did I ask you that?
NARRATOR: Since I was the oldest,
I had to be the emergency adult.
If you smell smoke, and you think the house is gonna
catch fire, get your brother and sister and get out.
If you smell gas and you think the house is gonna blow up,
get your brother and sister and get out.
If you smell smoke and your brother catches on fire,
get your sister and get out of here.
NARRATOR: Fortunately, the house never caught fire
and neither did my brother.
Mom, why is it that Drew and Tanya
get to go to school in our own neighborhood,
but I have to go all the way to Brooklyn Beach?
NARRATOR: Brooklyn Beach was a poor Italian neighborhood
on the other side of town.
It was just like Bed-Stuy:
take away the gangs, add the mob.
Because the junior high school around here
is like a hoodlum factory.
Now, those white kids, they get an education.
NARRATOR: Not a Harvard-type education,
just a not-sticking-up- a-liquor-store type education.
Hey, Dad. Hi, baby.
What's up? Oh, what's up, Dad?
Hey, Daddy. Hey, baby.
NARRATOR: Tanya was my father's favorite.
What's wrong with your oatmeal?
Chris made it too lumpy.
NARRATOR: And she knew it.
You don't have to eat it.
JULIUS: I know you're not gonna throw that away.
Eat that.
That's 30 cent worth of oatmeal.
NARRATOR: My father always knew what everything cost.
That's a $1.09 in the trash!
That's two dollars on fire.
That's 49 cent of spilt milk
dripping all over my table.
Somebody gonna drink this milk.
Uh, baby, did you see this?
Mm. Oh, I paid this.
It says you paid half. I know.
I gave you all the money.
How come you only paid half the bill?
I cannot even believe that you're asking me that.
I'm asking you a question.
I'm trying to find out what's going on--
No, you're not. You're questioning my judgment.
You act like there's not a big red bill sitting on the table.
Okay, fine. You do it, then.
I will. I am. Fine. Okay. Good. Fine.
NARRATOR: My parents taught me love is never having to say:
"Kiss my ass!" Where the stamps at?
NARRATOR: I was never cool growing up.
The coolest thing about me
was this pair of white sneakers I had.
Oh, no, no, no.
You are not going to school in those sneakers.
NARRATOR: Believe it or not, there was a time
when you couldn't wear sneakers everywhere.
Why? Everybody else wears sneakers.
Because you look raggedy.
And plus, you have an assembly today.
Boy, you done lost your mind.
NARRATOR: My mother hated raggedy.
She always said it's better to be poor and neat
than rich and raggedy.
I think she said that because we were poor.
Here. Wear Drew's good shoes.
I hate these shoes.
Everybody will make fun of me at school.
You've been going there for a week.
You don't know everybody.
NARRATOR: I was the only black kid at the school.
They know me.
NARRATOR: This is so embarrassing.
How come he's wearing my shoes?
'Cause you only have one pair of feet.
Chris, don't fool around after school.
I need you to be here to let Drew and Tanya in, okay?
You won't be here? I got to work today.
But you know the drill.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Daddy's gonna be asleep, don't wake him up till 5:00.
That's right. Chris.
You got your bus pass?
Yeah. Um...
somewhere around here. Mm-hmm.
You keep on. You lose this bus pass,
and your behind is gonna be walking to school.
Oh.
Here's two dollars for lunch. Thanks.
All right. Now, be good.
CHRIS: I will. Bye, Mommy.
Bye, baby.
Hold your sister's hand.
Don't go in the street.
NARRATOR: Keisha was the girl next door.
At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex,
but I knew she had something to do with it.
Hey, Drew. NARRATOR:Drew?!
What's up, Keisha?
You know her?
Yeah.
NARRATOR: Drew was so cool, he got girls at 10
that I couldn't get until I was 30.
Listen, when y'all get to the house,
don't ring the bell or knock on the door.
Just wait, okay? Whatever.
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Go at school. That bathroom is so nasty.
Listen, if you wake up Daddy,
he's gonna punch me square in the face.
And if he does that, I'm gonna punch you in the face.
And then he's gonna kill me and wind up in jail.
Now, do you want Daddy to go to jail?
No. [MOCKINGLY] No?
[NORMALLY] All right, then!
NARRATOR: Even when my mother got mad,
she still made my dad's dinner.
...have this on my mind.
NARRATOR: ...vegetables, potatoes,
and his favorite: a big piece of chicken.
I had to take two buses to school every day.
Was the junior high school across the street
really that bad?
[GUNSHOTS] [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
NARRATOR: Much like rock and roll,
school shootings were also invented by blacks
and stolen by the white man.
My first bus was the 26.
I read the newspaper every single day.
I learned more on the way to school
than I learned at school.
My next bus was the 44.
I was the only black person on the bus.
And nobody would sit next to me.
I mean, nobody.
If you think she's mad now,
wait till her daughter brings home O.J.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
NARRATOR: My mother thought going to a white school
meant I would get a better education
and I would be safer.
Wrong!
That's Joey Caruso,
a little thug with a big chip on his shoulder.
You know, I managed to avoid him
before I wore these shoes.
Nice shoes, Bojangles.
Bojangles?
That's not what your mother called me
when I was tap-dancing in her drawers last night.
[STUDENTS GASP, EXCLAIM]
NARRATOR: I know you think I'm crazy, but if I let him
get away with that, he'd be doing it all year.
Now, I couldn't beat him,
but I thought maybe I could out-black him.
What? Did I stutter?
[STUDENTS EXCLAIM] Do you know who I am?
You step on my shoe again,
and I'mma tell you who I am.
[STUDENTS EXCLAIM] I don't play that.
I'm from Bed-Stuy, boy.
I'll bring half of Marcy up in here.
I will beat your butt so bad,
you're gonna need crutches in your sleep.
NARRATOR: Hey, this might work.
You know what else I'm gonna do--
[CROWD GASPS]
What's your name? Chris.
I'm Dr. Raymond, your new principal.
Now get off my feet.
[SNICKERING] RAYMOND: That's funny?
That's not funny.
What's your name, son?
Caruso.
Fix yourself up next time you come to my school.
See those shoes?
They say something.
They say, "I'm a student.
I want to learn."
I want more of that...
and less of this.
[***]
Don't bump into me again.
NARRATOR: Even though Caruso was messing withme,
getting embarrassed made him even madder.
So you know what's coming next.
This isn't over, nigger.
NARRATOR: Oh, he got away with calling me nigger that day.
But later in life, he said it at a DMX concert
and almost got stomped to death.
Hey, are you really from Bed-Stuy, do or die?
Yeah. You ever been shot?
No. Well, at least not yet.
I'm Greg. I'm Chris.
NARRATOR: Greg Wuliger wasn't my first choice
for a friend, but mutual ass-kicking
seemed to bring people together.
Cool shoes. Thanks.
You know, if that was the new principal,
who was the old one?
I didn't touch her!
I don't know what you're talking about. Ask anybody.
NARRATOR: Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something
we can't tell you about because of the network censors.
The school settled the lawsuit out of court,
and he's not allowed to teach anymore.
If he moves to your neighborhood,
you'll get a warning.
Back at home, my father should have been in bed,
but he'd rather lose sleep than money.
What are you doing?
I'm paying the bills.
See? It says $40, I'm paying $40.
And that's exactly why I don't let you pay the bills.
[***]
Where are you going? To work.
Is Chris gonna be home in time to wake me up?
Can I see in the future?
What's wrong with you?
[DOOR CLOSES] Probably can see in the future.
NARRATOR: By lunchtime, I was starving.
GREG: I'm gonna go get a hot dog.
I'm gonna get a slice of pizza.
Got my money...
[***]
Give me back my bus pass.
You want it? Take it, you little...
After school, Satchmo.
NARRATOR: After school, I had a plan.
Th-This is crazy.
Man, it's a school fight. School fights only last a minute,
'cause somebody always comes and breaks them up.
All I have to do is get in the first punch,
somebody'll stop it.
CROWD [CHANTING]: Fight! Fight! Fight!
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
What're you waiting for, Corn Bread?
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
This'll be over any minute.
[***]
Is somebody gonna stop this?
[GROANS]
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait for me!
Thank you. Thank you, yeah.
Come on, ma'am, come on. I got a schedule. Let's go...
Wait! Wait! Hold up! Hold up! Wait!
There's a kid trying to catch...
Yeah, yeah, I know, I see...
Wait, wait, wait, wait-- Ow!
[GRUMBLING]
Bet you don't get me tomorrow.
I bet I do.
You do... Yeah, go sit down.
Cut that out, you bunch of hoods! Back off!
NARRATOR: I was still hungry, but I was almost home.
What could go wrong now?
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
NARRATOR: That girl's trying to get me killed.
Daddy! Dad--
Girl, you don't want Daddy to go to jail.
I told her to quit.
I have to go to the bathroom. I told you to go at school!
That bathroom is nasty!
Listen. We're going in.
But once we get in, I don't want to hear any noise.
None. Do you understand?
Yes.
[***]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[CONTINUES FLUSHING, MUFFLED]
NARRATOR: My father always slept in his uniform.
That way, when he woke up, he'd be ready to go.
[FLOORBOARDS CREAK]
I know how to pay bills.
I can pay the bills...
[LATCH CLICKS]
NARRATOR: You may not think messing up a pair of $40 shoes
is such a big deal, but you have to realize
that my father's car only cost $65.
I had to get those shoes clean.
[***]
NARRATOR: For the first time that day, things were going all right.
All I had to do now was keep everybody quiet till 5:00.
[LAUGHING]
[MUFFLED LAUGHING]
[CLOCK TICKING]
Dad...
Dad.
Time to get up.
It's 5:00?
Yep.
It's not 4:59?
Nope.
No...
What job am I going to?
You're driving a truck.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[PHONE RINGS] Hello?
Hey, hey, baby. It's Mommy.
Is your father up?
Yep. Good, good, good.
Take his plate out of the refrigerator
and put in the oven for him.
What plate?
The one with the big piece of chicken.
[***]
Haven't I told you
do not eat the big piece of chicken?
But I was still hungry.
NARRATOR: My mother wasn't mad at me, she was
looking out for my father. You see how big he is?
NARRATOR: She didn't want him to go to work hungry,
'cause if he goes to work hungry, he'll be grouchy,
and if he's grouchy, he might call his boss "cracker,"
and if he calls his boss "cracker,"
then we're living in the projects again.
But do not eat the biggest piece of chicken.
Do you understand?
At least you didn't mess up your school shoes.
Now come over here and give me some sugar.
[***]
Now go to bed.
Rochelle.
What?
Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do,
but I'm working hard trying to pay for this place.
You know that. Just because you make money
doesn't mean you know how to spend it.
You got to know how to work the system.
What system?
The debt system.
I run this house like they run the country: on a deficit.
Rent is due on the 3rd. I don't pay it till the 9th
because you don't get your check till the 7th.
If you pay the light bill now,
I won't have money for the groceries,
the rent would be late and then you'll have to work overtime.
You want to work overtime again?
No, I don't think so.
If we don't owe people money,
we won't have any money at all.
[SIGHS] Um...
Uh, why didn't you just say that then?
Because you didn't ask.
Baby.
Don't "baby" me.
Come here. I'm sorry.
Okay?
Who told you to open the mail, anyway?
Come here, pookie.
No, last time you said "pookie," I got pregnant.
You my pookie. You always my pookie.
No pookie. Okay, little bit of pookie.
Love you.
I love you too, baby.
NARRATOR: My dad always checked on us in between jobs,
his night job and his late-at-night job.
Dad?
Hey, man.
I thought you were asleep.
I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.
That was 89 cent worth of chicken.
What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?
I was still hungry.
Now I'm still hungry.
Look, next time,
eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?
Okay.
Here.
Now don't go pulling this money out.
Somebody'll try to rob you.
Don't tell your mother about this.
[***]
Everything okay at school?
NARRATOR: I didn't tell him about the fight.
My dad went to school during the Civil Rights era.
After hoses, tanks and the dog bites on your ass,
somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Yeah, it was all right.
Good. I'll see you in the morning.
NARRATOR: My father wasn't the type to say, "I love you."
He was one of four fathers on the block.
"I'll see you in the morning," meant he was coming home.
Coming home was his way of saying, "I love you."
Unplug that clock, boy.
You can't tell time when you sleep.
That's two cents an hour.
ROCHELLE: What the hell happened to my towel?
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now