My name is Earl.
[Earl Narrating] Most people only go to church on Christmas and Easter.
We're all usually too hungover to go.
But we always try to make it when they have cheap food and games.
[Slurred Voice] Hey, dum-dums. I'm hungers.
Uh, me and Randy were eating that.
You'll have to excuseJoy. She hasn't been winning any prizes.
The only booth she's doing well at is the wine tasting one.
How are you supposed to win anything when the church has Jesus on their side?
I mean, you don't think he's the one bouncing those ping-pong balls...
off the rims of the goldfish bowls?
I won two games and the grand prize in the raffle-
A.M. -F.M. Radio headphones.
Well, congratulations, Slutty Gonzalez.
You can listen to the radio on the bus.
- We have a car. - Okay, it's time to go.
- Okay, fine. Give me the keys. - No.
You've had 25 Dixie cups of wine.
Some of those I threw up. Now, give me the keys.
No.
I hate you. I'm walking.
Very well, then.
These are the days I'm actually glad you stole her away from me, Crabman.
I'm glad every day.
[Earl Narrating]Joy's shoe was the first thing she lost on her drunk walk home.
The second was her mind.
Whoo-hoo! [Laughing]
## [Headphones: Pop]
Oh, snap.
I killed her!
[Earl Narrating]Joy panicked and made a beeline to an abandoned shed.
Well, a beeline if the bee was drunk.
- Oh! - [Gasps]
- Oh, thank God. I thought you were dead. - [Engine Shuts Off]
And what if I was?
You were just gonna leave my body to lay here and rot in some dirty shed?
No!
I was gonna pull out all your teeth and just light everything on fire.
But I don't have to do that now because you're alive.
So now this will just be a funny story we tell people.
Yeah, it's a real funny story I can't wait to tell the police.
[Grunting] Damn it.
Move this thing back so I can get out.
I got two kids and two strikes.
I can't go to jail.
Joy.
You can scream all you want to, but nobody's gonna hear you.
Joy!
Okay. That was a lie.
I heard you...
but that's just because I was pretty close to the shed when you were screaming.
So what I should've said is you can scream all you want...
and nobody's gonna hear you...
except for me when I'm walking away...
and once I'm far enough away, I won't hear you anymore.
That is a more accurate statement...
about who will and will not hear your screaming.
- [Door Closes] - [Whimpers]
That psychic was right.
I am gonna die in a shack, pinned to the wall by a lawn mower.
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy promised each other after we lost 50 bucks at the can toss...
we'd walk away, so we did.
Hey, Earl. Does that guy look familiar to you?
Come on! It's for a good cause!
Give back to your community and take a shot at Satan!
Yo, man! You gotta warn me!
[Man] Three for a dollar.
[Earl Narrating] Randy was right to think he looked familiar.
He was number 35 on my list.
A few years back, me and Randy heard you could make a fortune...
selling organs on the black market.
At the time, we didn't know they were talking about livers and stuff.
Hello, sir. We're here to pick up the organ for routine maintenance.
We're trustworthy.
- Come on, Randy. - I don't know, Earl.
He's a man of God, which means he can summon the creatures of the Earth to attack us.
You keep saying that, Randy, but if I remember correctly...
that theory was given to you by a cricket when you were drunk.
Besides, I'm a man of karma.
I have to trust that it's telling me the right thing to do.
Come on, gentlemen! Like to take a shot for a dollar?
Depends. Who's that supposed to be?
Are you serious? It's the devil.
Hmm. I always thought he'd be taller.
Reverend, l-I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.
I stole your organ. We-We both did, actually.
Thanks, Earl. He usually doesn't give me credit.
[Earl Narrating] So I told him all about my list and how I turned my life around...
and then I learned that me and the reverend weren't that different.
I've been there before.
They used to call me Hash Brown.
I used to roam the streets of Camden, waiting for somebody to look at me wrong...
just so I could grind their face up like some hash browns.
Anyway, I was a pretty bad dude.
[Earl Narrating] Turns out shooting at the devil...
- wasn't the first time the reverend had used a gun. - [Gunfire]
- [People Screaming] - Now, I'll ask you one more time.
Is my niece Kiki invited to your daughter's birthday party?
So I know what it's like to get your life back on track.
Let us pray.
Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me with this test of forgiveness...
so I can prove my services to you.
- Amen. - [Together] Amen.
And don't worry. I can get that organ back from the people I sold it to.
I hear it survived the Camden circus fire in perfect condition.
Clowns tried to put that fire out...
but all they had was confetti in their buckets, and that just made it worse.
They thought they were gonna be heroes.
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy weren't the only ones trying to fix mistakes.
Hi, girlfriend. How'd you sleep?
Pinned to the wall, you bitch.
Still a little upset. Understandable.
You haven't eaten in a day. Brought you some snacks.
- Forgot the drink though. - How thoughtful.
So, have you changed your mind about calling the cops?
Hell, no.
Is it because I forgot the drink? I'll be back.
Oh, please don't leave me here again, Joy.
I won't call the police. I promise.
Joy!
- Joy! - [Door Closes]
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy returned the organ...
and cleared the burnt clown confetti out of the pipes.
- Do it again, Earl. - All right. One more time.
## [Sustained Note]
[Chanting] # My name is Randy Hickey #
#And I love to smell my shoes #
#Amen ##
- Hallelujah! Life is good. - ## [Fades]
The guy who plays Satan in my shooting gallery dropped the lawsuit...
and now the church's organ is back.
- Earl, I think we're all settled up. - Awesome.
'Cause Randy had sort of worn out the "Earl, stop playing with your organ"jokes.
It's funny.
Anyway, I'll just grab my tools and be on my way.
Hold on a second. These are my tools.
- Where'd you buy these? - Wait. These are your tools?
They have my initials on 'em.
Look, l-I could lie to you, and I kinda want to...
'cause you already had to forgive me once...
but, well, it looks like you're on my list twice.
[Earl Narrating] Back when I was a petty thief...
I used to steal things that were, well, petty.
Hey.
And I used to do things that were kinda petty too.
Randy, check this out.
Oh!
[Tires Squealing]
- Let me out ofhere! Oh! Oh! - [Liquid Gurgling]
It landed door down. I had to kick my way out through the emptying hatch.
I swore whoever had done this, I was gonna take 'em and put 'em six feet under.
But that was Hash Brown, and he's dead to us, right?
- Right? - Right.
Right. I'm different now.
Let us pray!
- [Grunts] - Dear Lord, thank you for this glorious test.
You're bringing it. This is some good stuff. You are bringing it.
[Grunts] Squeezy hand. Hurts a little.
Because, Lord, you know what the old me would've done.
First, I would've cut open the big one...
then I would've knocked out the little one...
then put the little one inside the big one, then sewed up the big one.
Then I would've waited and listened for the little one to scream...
as he woke up inside his own brother.
But not now, Lord. I've changed!
Hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
I'm a better man because of you, God.
Amen.
- I said amen. - Amen.
But don't worry, Reverend. I'll make up for this too.
Earl, if you really wanna make it up...
we need volunteers for Sunday's service.
Of course. We'd love to.
Okay, promise me you won't be mad.
- Joy! - [Gasps]
Oh, thank God, Crabman. Get me outta here.
Your wife ran me over with this lawn mower and has kept me pinned here for days.
- We have to call the police. - See? I knew it!
You lied to me! You are gonna tell the cops.
Of course I'm gonna tell the cops, you lunatic.
- Liar! - Lunatic!
Shut up, everybody. Just shut up. I gotta think.
I got two strikes. I can't go to jail for the rest of my life, baby.
Damn it, Joy, I've used every trick I have to keep you from getting that third strike.
Framed Dodge's principal. Free crabs for the Asian meter maid.
Replaced the panda at the zoo.
You gotta start thinking before you get thrown in the big house...
and I'm left raising the boys on my own.
If you don't move this lawn mower soon, you're both going to jail.
And I'm gonna sell my story to Hollywood...
where they'll make a movie starring J. Lo as me and Sally Struthers as you!
I told you not to drive drunk, but no! You couldn't listen to me.
You just do whatever you want whenever you want...
'cause all that matters to you is that you're happy.
Well, I hope you're happy now, 'cause we're gonna have to kill her.
- What? - What?
Darnell, I know I said I wanted your help, but we can't kill her.
Maybe we can cut out her tongue, but we can't kill her.
There's nothing we could say to her to convince her not to go to the cops.
I was taught a very specific moral hierarchy: God, family, country.
Strippers who threaten my wife appear nowhere on this list. We've got no other choice.
- We have to kill her. - Do I have a say in this?
- No. - But we've been friends for almost 10 years.
And I like you, but I've killed people I've liked way more than you.
Darnell, I came to you for help because you're always the voice of reason.
And I still am. Now, you need to shut your hole and start digging one.
[Earl Narrating] When I agreed to help with the Sunday service...
I thought I'd be handing out the crackers.
I was wrong.
- Forgiveness! - ## [Organ]
- [Man] Yes, Lord. - [Congregation Murmuring]
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a easy thing to say, but it's a hard thing to do.
- Preach it! Preach! - Meet my friend here.
- Hi. My name is White. - [Woman] Huh?
I mean Earl.
Now, this man has done some pretty terrible things to me.
Earl didn't have to come down here and confess, but he did.
He told the truth and let it out...
- and I forgave him. - Yes, Lord.
You see, that there is a twofold test that God has laid before us.
- Amen. - Can you confess your sins...
and can you forgive the sins of others?
Now, you know that you done done something to somebody.
And you also know that somebody...
- has done something to you. - [Man] Yes, Lord, yes.
But what God is saying- He-He wants you to let it out.
He doesn't want you to let it fester all in your gut...
all in your soul, down in your body, in your bones.
He wants you to let it out!
A lot of times, when I ask people how they're doing...
I don't really listen to the answer.
I forgive you. Do the church forgive her?
[Congregation] We forgive you.
- I hate kids. - Daddy?
I just love sex.
I forgive you. Do the church forgive him?
We forgive you.
I touched a boob on that statue outside.
We forgive you.
It is me who's been farting all service.
We forgive you.
I have something to confess.
My lovely wife, Jackie.
- I slept with Earl. - You did what?
- [Congregation] We forgive you. - No, shut up!
You slept with my wife?
Apparently so.
[Earl Narrating] About 10 years back, me and Randy figured out...
that prison is a great place to pick up chicks.
You just had to do it right.
Thank you so much for getting me out of jail...
and back home to care for my sad, lonely wife.
No need to thank me, son. That's what I do.
I'm a prisoner's advocate.
There is one thing I don't understand.
You are expensive because you are the best...
but how could my wife afford your services?
We are so poor.
- She had relations with me. Now, I know you must be mad. - Nope.
I am so relieved to be out of prison that I forgive her.
In fact, I would be angry if she had not done everything she could.
- Thanks again. - Enjoy your glorious freedom.
Excuse me. Can you really help get a prisoner released?
I'll do my best.
Well, you are kind of cute.
Good night, Eddy.
So, while I was in prison...
you were grinding on Jeff Foxworthy over here?
Reverend, uh, first of all, thank you aboutJeff Foxworthy.
And regarding your wife, if it makes you feel better...
it only happened in your house once.
- [Gasping] - [Congregation Murmuring]
Let us pray.
- O Lord- - [Gasps]
Please give me the strength to forgive this lowlife piece of scum...
because you know what Hash Brown would've done to a man who stole his woman.
- Please give me the strength. - You seem pretty strong to me.
O Lord, I think I'm failing this test.
- Please help me, Lord. - Yeah. Please do help him.
Okay, Lord. I guess you want me to be Hash Brown. That's why you're not helping me.
Fine! You want me to be Hash Brown...
I'll be Hash Brown.
[Congregation Gasps]
[Groans]
You know, sometimes it's hard to interpret God's-
- [Congregation Gasps] - I didn't tell you to get up.
[Earl Narrating] He had turned into Hash Brown, all right...
and notjust the violence.
Lord, you're the one that convinced me to stop selling crack.
But the way I see it...
you owe me 10 years of lost income...
so I'm taking some stuff.
I'm taking this candlestick. I could probably get something for this.
This thing, uh-This is worth some money.
I'm also gonna take those coats in the Lost and Found.
And this!
Give me this!
Hash Brown is back!
- Reverend Greene! - Say another word, and I will kill you.
- But- - I will kill you.
Son of a bitch.
[Earl Narrating] That truck was the last thing I wanted to see at that moment...
because that meant the reverend was on my list yet again.
Number 172.
A while back, me and Randy had snuck into a magic show...
and we were wowed by a trick that involved catching a bullet in your hand.
Naturally, we decided to give it a shot, after a case ofbeer.
All right, Randy. Abracadabra.
Oh, crap.
I missed your hand and blew out that guy's taillight.
Let's get out of here before we get in trouble.
Well, you didn't miss. I caught the bullet. I can feel it in my hand.
It's hot...
and bloody.
Oh, God. Oh, God. [Grunts]
Uh, Reverend, look. I know you said you'd kill me if I said another word-
Yup, and you just said about eight.
[Earl Narrating] I was scared. Butjust 'cause the reverend had lost his faith in God...
didn't mean I had lost my faith in karma.
A few years back I shot out the taillight of your truck! Make it quick!
You broke that taillight?
[Earl Narrating] Reverend Greene got pulled over for having a busted taillight...
but the cops forgot about that pretty quick once they looked in the back ofhis truck.
AK-47 s, cop-killer bullets, plastic explosives.
Fine. Those are all legal in this state.
But black market flu shots?
I guess public safety means nothing to you.
[Grunts]
That night I got pulled over...
I was supposed to meet up with my gang.
We were selling some flu shots and some dynamite to a Dominican gang with the sniffles.
But it all went bad.
Somebody pulled a tissue, and one of my guys thought it was a gun...
and all hell broke loose.
By the time the smoke cleared...
everybody in my crew was dead.
L-I don't get it.
Earl, if you hadn't broken that taillight...
I would've ended up a dark blob on a bunch of body parts and Dominican snot.
All this time I've been thinking God wanted me to forgive you for ruining my life...
but what he wanted was me to thank you for saving it.
God, huh?
What can you say about that guy? Isn't he something?
Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry.
[Together] We forgive you.
#Amazing grace #
# How sweet the sound #
- ## [Continues] - [Earl Narrating] Me and the reverend had been tested...
and, sure, he had strayed from his path...
but that's the cool thing about having a path.
Even when you get lost, it's still there waiting for you to find your way back.
# But now I'm found #
#Was blind, but now I see ##
#Amazing grace #
# How sweet the sound #
#That saved a wretch like me ##
I'm not doing this to scare you.
- I'm doing this so it will hurt less. - Thank you.
You may wanna turn away.
I do apologize for this.
I promise to put flowers on your shallow, unmarked grave.
Oh!
Joy!
I couldn't let it happen.
I want the Lifetime movie they make about me to be for something good...
not because I let my husband murder an immigrant in a shed.
[Engine Starts]
You saved my life.
Ah. Maybe as a thank-you, you can tell the cops I'm headed to Mexico...
since I'm going to Canada, our white neighbors to the north.
How about as a thank-you, I don't tell the cops anything at all?
Seriously?
Anyone who gives their husband a concussion to save me from getting my throat slit...
is okay by me.
That's why I'm still friends with my bitchy cousin Judy.
I forgive you for all of this, Joy. I forgive you.
Thank you so much!
[Sniffs] Hmm.
I knew if I ever hugged you, you were gonna smell like burritos and stripper pole.
Tease me all you want. Now I know you love me.