1 00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:04,410 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:08,010 [Earl Narrating] Most people only go to church on Christmas and Easter. 3 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,380 We're all usually too hungover to go. 4 00:00:10,490 --> 00:00:13,750 But we always try to make it when they have cheap food and games. 5 00:00:14,990 --> 00:00:17,290 [Slurred Voice] Hey, dum-dums. I'm hungers. 6 00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:19,620 Uh, me and Randy were eating that. 7 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:22,560 You'll have to excuseJoy. She hasn't been winning any prizes. 8 00:00:22,670 --> 00:00:25,570 The only booth she's doing well at is the wine tasting one. 9 00:00:25,670 --> 00:00:29,570 How are you supposed to win anything when the church has Jesus on their side? 10 00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,470 I mean, you don't think he's the one bouncing those ping-pong balls... 11 00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:35,200 off the rims of the goldfish bowls? 12 00:00:35,310 --> 00:00:38,800 I won two games and the grand prize in the raffle- 13 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,480 A.M. -F.M. Radio headphones. 14 00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:45,820 Well, congratulations, Slutty Gonzalez. 15 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,790 You can listen to the radio on the bus. 16 00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:52,120 - We have a car. - Okay, it's time to go. 17 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,720 - Okay, fine. Give me the keys. - No. 18 00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,890 You've had 25 Dixie cups of wine. 19 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,340 Some of those I threw up. Now, give me the keys. 20 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,840 No. 21 00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:06,240 I hate you. I'm walking. 22 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,810 Very well, then. 23 00:01:08,910 --> 00:01:13,580 These are the days I'm actually glad you stole her away from me, Crabman. 24 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,780 I'm glad every day. 25 00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:20,190 [Earl Narrating]Joy's shoe was the first thing she lost on her drunk walk home. 26 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:22,260 The second was her mind. 27 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:28,630 Whoo-hoo! [Laughing] 28 00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:37,270 ## [Headphones: Pop] 29 00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:46,150 Oh, snap. 30 00:01:47,820 --> 00:01:49,720 I killed her! 31 00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:53,310 [Earl Narrating]Joy panicked and made a beeline to an abandoned shed. 32 00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:55,860 Well, a beeline if the bee was drunk. 33 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,720 - Oh! - [Gasps] 34 00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:01,320 - Oh, thank God. I thought you were dead. - [Engine Shuts Off] 35 00:02:01,430 --> 00:02:03,330 And what if I was? 36 00:02:03,430 --> 00:02:07,000 You were just gonna leave my body to lay here and rot in some dirty shed? 37 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,300 No! 38 00:02:09,410 --> 00:02:14,040 I was gonna pull out all your teeth and just light everything on fire. 39 00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:17,440 But I don't have to do that now because you're alive. 40 00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:21,250 So now this will just be a funny story we tell people. 41 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:24,980 Yeah, it's a real funny story I can't wait to tell the police. 42 00:02:25,090 --> 00:02:27,320 [Grunting] Damn it. 43 00:02:27,420 --> 00:02:29,480 Move this thing back so I can get out. 44 00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:32,590 I got two kids and two strikes. 45 00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:34,600 I can't go to jail. 46 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,260 Joy. 47 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:40,240 You can scream all you want to, but nobody's gonna hear you. 48 00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:46,670 Joy! 49 00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:48,970 Okay. That was a lie. 50 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,070 I heard you... 51 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:54,620 but that's just because I was pretty close to the shed when you were screaming. 52 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,880 So what I should've said is you can scream all you want... 53 00:02:57,990 --> 00:02:59,890 and nobody's gonna hear you... 54 00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:02,020 except for me when I'm walking away... 55 00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:05,190 and once I'm far enough away, I won't hear you anymore. 56 00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,020 That is a more accurate statement... 57 00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:11,630 about who will and will not hear your screaming. 58 00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,940 - [Door Closes] - [Whimpers] 59 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,940 That psychic was right. 60 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,500 I am gonna die in a shack, pinned to the wall by a lawn mower. 61 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,370 [Earl Narrating] Me and Randy promised each other after we lost 50 bucks at the can toss... 62 00:03:29,490 --> 00:03:32,750 we'd walk away, so we did. 63 00:03:32,860 --> 00:03:35,650 Hey, Earl. Does that guy look familiar to you? 64 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,730 Come on! It's for a good cause! 65 00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:41,630 Give back to your community and take a shot at Satan! 66 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,300 Yo, man! You gotta warn me! 67 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,130 [Man] Three for a dollar. 68 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,260 [Earl Narrating] Randy was right to think he looked familiar. 69 00:03:49,370 --> 00:03:51,810 He was number 35 on my list. 70 00:03:51,910 --> 00:03:54,540 A few years back, me and Randy heard you could make a fortune... 71 00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:56,770 selling organs on the black market. 72 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,610 At the time, we didn't know they were talking about livers and stuff. 73 00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:08,120 Hello, sir. We're here to pick up the organ for routine maintenance. 74 00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:10,190 We're trustworthy. 75 00:04:11,430 --> 00:04:13,860 - Come on, Randy. - I don't know, Earl. 76 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,730 He's a man of God, which means he can summon the creatures of the Earth to attack us. 77 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,600 You keep saying that, Randy, but if I remember correctly... 78 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:24,330 that theory was given to you by a cricket when you were drunk. 79 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,070 Besides, I'm a man of karma. 80 00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:30,310 I have to trust that it's telling me the right thing to do. 81 00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,380 Come on, gentlemen! Like to take a shot for a dollar? 82 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,710 Depends. Who's that supposed to be? 83 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:36,880 Are you serious? It's the devil. 84 00:04:36,990 --> 00:04:39,150 Hmm. I always thought he'd be taller. 85 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:43,190 Reverend, l-I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. 86 00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:47,660 I stole your organ. We-We both did, actually. 87 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,960 Thanks, Earl. He usually doesn't give me credit. 88 00:04:51,070 --> 00:04:54,630 [Earl Narrating] So I told him all about my list and how I turned my life around... 89 00:04:54,740 --> 00:04:57,640 and then I learned that me and the reverend weren't that different. 90 00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:00,370 I've been there before. 91 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,110 They used to call me Hash Brown. 92 00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:06,980 I used to roam the streets of Camden, waiting for somebody to look at me wrong... 93 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,210 just so I could grind their face up like some hash browns. 94 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,690 Anyway, I was a pretty bad dude. 95 00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:15,690 [Earl Narrating] Turns out shooting at the devil... 96 00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:18,690 - wasn't the first time the reverend had used a gun. - [Gunfire] 97 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,760 - [People Screaming] - Now, I'll ask you one more time. 98 00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:25,030 Is my niece Kiki invited to your daughter's birthday party? 99 00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:28,570 So I know what it's like to get your life back on track. 100 00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:31,470 Let us pray. 101 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:35,480 Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me with this test of forgiveness... 102 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,550 so I can prove my services to you. 103 00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:40,380 - Amen. - [Together] Amen. 104 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,850 And don't worry. I can get that organ back from the people I sold it to. 105 00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:47,550 I hear it survived the Camden circus fire in perfect condition. 106 00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:49,590 Clowns tried to put that fire out... 107 00:05:49,690 --> 00:05:53,560 but all they had was confetti in their buckets, and that just made it worse. 108 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,600 They thought they were gonna be heroes. 109 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,760 [Earl Narrating] Me and Randy weren't the only ones trying to fix mistakes. 110 00:05:59,870 --> 00:06:02,530 Hi, girlfriend. How'd you sleep? 111 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,470 Pinned to the wall, you bitch. 112 00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:07,980 Still a little upset. Understandable. 113 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,910 You haven't eaten in a day. Brought you some snacks. 114 00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:15,470 - Forgot the drink though. - How thoughtful. 115 00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:20,480 So, have you changed your mind about calling the cops? 116 00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,790 Hell, no. 117 00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:26,230 Is it because I forgot the drink? I'll be back. 118 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:28,460 Oh, please don't leave me here again, Joy. 119 00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:30,800 I won't call the police. I promise. 120 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,230 Joy! 121 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:37,100 - Joy! - [Door Closes] 122 00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:38,830 [Earl Narrating] Me and Randy returned the organ... 123 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,840 and cleared the burnt clown confetti out of the pipes. 124 00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:44,310 - Do it again, Earl. - All right. One more time. 125 00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:45,970 ## [Sustained Note] 126 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,140 [Chanting] # My name is Randy Hickey # 127 00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:54,660 #And I love to smell my shoes # 128 00:06:55,690 --> 00:07:05,620 #Amen ## 129 00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:09,040 - Hallelujah! Life is good. - ## [Fades] 130 00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:12,700 The guy who plays Satan in my shooting gallery dropped the lawsuit... 131 00:07:12,810 --> 00:07:14,940 and now the church's organ is back. 132 00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:17,450 - Earl, I think we're all settled up. - Awesome. 133 00:07:17,550 --> 00:07:21,140 'Cause Randy had sort of worn out the "Earl, stop playing with your organ"jokes. 134 00:07:21,250 --> 00:07:23,720 It's funny. 135 00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:27,150 Anyway, I'll just grab my tools and be on my way. 136 00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:29,820 Hold on a second. These are my tools. 137 00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:32,950 - Where'd you buy these? - Wait. These are your tools? 138 00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:35,620 They have my initials on 'em. 139 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:42,200 Look, l-I could lie to you, and I kinda want to... 140 00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:44,770 'cause you already had to forgive me once... 141 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,740 but, well, it looks like you're on my list twice. 142 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,810 [Earl Narrating] Back when I was a petty thief... 143 00:07:49,910 --> 00:07:54,080 I used to steal things that were, well, petty. 144 00:07:55,490 --> 00:07:57,040 Hey. 145 00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:05,290 And I used to do things that were kinda petty too. 146 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,360 Randy, check this out. 147 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,200 Oh! 148 00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:14,200 [Tires Squealing] 149 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,400 - Let me out ofhere! Oh! Oh! - [Liquid Gurgling] 150 00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:20,870 It landed door down. I had to kick my way out through the emptying hatch. 151 00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:25,570 I swore whoever had done this, I was gonna take 'em and put 'em six feet under. 152 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,520 But that was Hash Brown, and he's dead to us, right? 153 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,350 - Right? - Right. 154 00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:35,390 Right. I'm different now. 155 00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:38,020 Let us pray! 156 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:44,730 - [Grunts] - Dear Lord, thank you for this glorious test. 157 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,860 You're bringing it. This is some good stuff. You are bringing it. 158 00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,600 [Grunts] Squeezy hand. Hurts a little. 159 00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,680 Because, Lord, you know what the old me would've done. 160 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,540 First, I would've cut open the big one... 161 00:08:55,650 --> 00:08:57,910 then I would've knocked out the little one... 162 00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:01,420 then put the little one inside the big one, then sewed up the big one. 163 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,450 Then I would've waited and listened for the little one to scream... 164 00:09:04,550 --> 00:09:07,920 as he woke up inside his own brother. 165 00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:10,720 But not now, Lord. I've changed! 166 00:09:10,830 --> 00:09:12,950 Hand, hand, hand, hand, hand. 167 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:16,500 I'm a better man because of you, God. 168 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,090 Amen. 169 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,190 - I said amen. - Amen. 170 00:09:23,370 --> 00:09:26,640 But don't worry, Reverend. I'll make up for this too. 171 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,940 Earl, if you really wanna make it up... 172 00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:31,010 we need volunteers for Sunday's service. 173 00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:33,240 Of course. We'd love to. 174 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,480 Okay, promise me you won't be mad. 175 00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:42,960 - Joy! - [Gasps] 176 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,530 Oh, thank God, Crabman. Get me outta here. 177 00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:49,070 Your wife ran me over with this lawn mower and has kept me pinned here for days. 178 00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,600 - We have to call the police. - See? I knew it! 179 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,970 You lied to me! You are gonna tell the cops. 180 00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:55,940 Of course I'm gonna tell the cops, you lunatic. 181 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,530 - Liar! - Lunatic! 182 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,840 Shut up, everybody. Just shut up. I gotta think. 183 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:04,810 I got two strikes. I can't go to jail for the rest of my life, baby. 184 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,350 Damn it, Joy, I've used every trick I have to keep you from getting that third strike. 185 00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:10,980 Framed Dodge's principal. Free crabs for the Asian meter maid. 186 00:10:11,090 --> 00:10:12,990 Replaced the panda at the zoo. 187 00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:15,220 You gotta start thinking before you get thrown in the big house... 188 00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:16,950 and I'm left raising the boys on my own. 189 00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:20,430 If you don't move this lawn mower soon, you're both going to jail. 190 00:10:20,530 --> 00:10:22,430 And I'm gonna sell my story to Hollywood... 191 00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,500 where they'll make a movie starring J. Lo as me and Sally Struthers as you! 192 00:10:27,570 --> 00:10:31,700 I told you not to drive drunk, but no! You couldn't listen to me. 193 00:10:31,810 --> 00:10:33,400 You just do whatever you want whenever you want... 194 00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,980 'cause all that matters to you is that you're happy. 195 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,810 Well, I hope you're happy now, 'cause we're gonna have to kill her. 196 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,580 - What? - What? 197 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,980 Darnell, I know I said I wanted your help, but we can't kill her. 198 00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:50,890 Maybe we can cut out her tongue, but we can't kill her. 199 00:10:50,990 --> 00:10:54,230 There's nothing we could say to her to convince her not to go to the cops. 200 00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:57,930 I was taught a very specific moral hierarchy: God, family, country. 201 00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,060 Strippers who threaten my wife appear nowhere on this list. We've got no other choice. 202 00:11:01,170 --> 00:11:03,570 - We have to kill her. - Do I have a say in this? 203 00:11:03,670 --> 00:11:06,610 - No. - But we've been friends for almost 10 years. 204 00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:09,510 And I like you, but I've killed people I've liked way more than you. 205 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,550 Darnell, I came to you for help because you're always the voice of reason. 206 00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:19,450 And I still am. Now, you need to shut your hole and start digging one. 207 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,590 [Earl Narrating] When I agreed to help with the Sunday service... 208 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,320 I thought I'd be handing out the crackers. 209 00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:29,560 I was wrong. 210 00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,570 - Forgiveness! - ## [Organ] 211 00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,570 - [Man] Yes, Lord. - [Congregation Murmuring] 212 00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:35,570 That's right, ladies and gentlemen. 213 00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:38,470 It's a easy thing to say, but it's a hard thing to do. 214 00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,600 - Preach it! Preach! - Meet my friend here. 215 00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:46,110 - Hi. My name is White. - [Woman] Huh? 216 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,120 I mean Earl. 217 00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:51,650 Now, this man has done some pretty terrible things to me. 218 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,950 Earl didn't have to come down here and confess, but he did. 219 00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,460 He told the truth and let it out... 220 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,500 - and I forgave him. - Yes, Lord. 221 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,660 You see, that there is a twofold test that God has laid before us. 222 00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:06,630 - Amen. - Can you confess your sins... 223 00:12:06,740 --> 00:12:09,500 and can you forgive the sins of others? 224 00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:14,070 Now, you know that you done done something to somebody. 225 00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:17,370 And you also know that somebody... 226 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,350 - has done something to you. - [Man] Yes, Lord, yes. 227 00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,910 But what God is saying- He-He wants you to let it out. 228 00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:28,790 He doesn't want you to let it fester all in your gut... 229 00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:32,660 all in your soul, down in your body, in your bones. 230 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,090 He wants you to let it out! 231 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,500 A lot of times, when I ask people how they're doing... 232 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,800 I don't really listen to the answer. 233 00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:44,270 I forgive you. Do the church forgive her? 234 00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,000 [Congregation] We forgive you. 235 00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:48,580 - I hate kids. - Daddy? 236 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,170 I just love sex. 237 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,010 I forgive you. Do the church forgive him? 238 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,110 We forgive you. 239 00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:58,980 I touched a boob on that statue outside. 240 00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:02,020 We forgive you. 241 00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:05,220 It is me who's been farting all service. 242 00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:06,820 We forgive you. 243 00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:08,860 I have something to confess. 244 00:13:08,970 --> 00:13:10,660 My lovely wife, Jackie. 245 00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:14,500 - I slept with Earl. - You did what? 246 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,570 - [Congregation] We forgive you. - No, shut up! 247 00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:19,900 You slept with my wife? 248 00:13:20,010 --> 00:13:21,910 Apparently so. 249 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,480 [Earl Narrating] About 10 years back, me and Randy figured out... 250 00:13:24,580 --> 00:13:26,640 that prison is a great place to pick up chicks. 251 00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:29,310 You just had to do it right. 252 00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:31,910 Thank you so much for getting me out of jail... 253 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:35,250 and back home to care for my sad, lonely wife. 254 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,190 No need to thank me, son. That's what I do. 255 00:13:38,290 --> 00:13:40,390 I'm a prisoner's advocate. 256 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,830 There is one thing I don't understand. 257 00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:45,490 You are expensive because you are the best... 258 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,090 but how could my wife afford your services? 259 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,830 We are so poor. 260 00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:54,380 - She had relations with me. Now, I know you must be mad. - Nope. 261 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,450 I am so relieved to be out of prison that I forgive her. 262 00:13:57,550 --> 00:14:01,920 In fact, I would be angry if she had not done everything she could. 263 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,250 - Thanks again. - Enjoy your glorious freedom. 264 00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,720 Excuse me. Can you really help get a prisoner released? 265 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,490 I'll do my best. 266 00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:16,190 Well, you are kind of cute. 267 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,340 Good night, Eddy. 268 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,260 So, while I was in prison... 269 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,070 you were grinding on Jeff Foxworthy over here? 270 00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:32,770 Reverend, uh, first of all, thank you aboutJeff Foxworthy. 271 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,850 And regarding your wife, if it makes you feel better... 272 00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:38,890 it only happened in your house once. 273 00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:40,890 - [Gasping] - [Congregation Murmuring] 274 00:14:42,430 --> 00:14:44,790 Let us pray. 275 00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:46,560 - O Lord- - [Gasps] 276 00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:51,460 Please give me the strength to forgive this lowlife piece of scum... 277 00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:55,440 because you know what Hash Brown would've done to a man who stole his woman. 278 00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:58,970 - Please give me the strength. - You seem pretty strong to me. 279 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,310 O Lord, I think I'm failing this test. 280 00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:06,910 - Please help me, Lord. - Yeah. Please do help him. 281 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:10,750 Okay, Lord. I guess you want me to be Hash Brown. That's why you're not helping me. 282 00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:13,580 Fine! You want me to be Hash Brown... 283 00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,320 I'll be Hash Brown. 284 00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:18,920 [Congregation Gasps] 285 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,360 [Groans] 286 00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:26,600 You know, sometimes it's hard to interpret God's- 287 00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:29,260 - [Congregation Gasps] - I didn't tell you to get up. 288 00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:31,640 [Earl Narrating] He had turned into Hash Brown, all right... 289 00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,640 and notjust the violence. 290 00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:37,910 Lord, you're the one that convinced me to stop selling crack. 291 00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,950 But the way I see it... 292 00:15:40,050 --> 00:15:42,520 you owe me 10 years of lost income... 293 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:44,520 so I'm taking some stuff. 294 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:48,560 I'm taking this candlestick. I could probably get something for this. 295 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:51,650 This thing, uh-This is worth some money. 296 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,560 I'm also gonna take those coats in the Lost and Found. 297 00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,660 And this! 298 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,370 Give me this! 299 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,340 Hash Brown is back! 300 00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:14,510 - Reverend Greene! - Say another word, and I will kill you. 301 00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:16,210 - But- - I will kill you. 302 00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:23,690 Son of a bitch. 303 00:16:23,790 --> 00:16:26,990 [Earl Narrating] That truck was the last thing I wanted to see at that moment... 304 00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,360 because that meant the reverend was on my list yet again. 305 00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:33,330 Number 172. 306 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,340 A while back, me and Randy had snuck into a magic show... 307 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,140 and we were wowed by a trick that involved catching a bullet in your hand. 308 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,270 Naturally, we decided to give it a shot, after a case ofbeer. 309 00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:47,110 All right, Randy. Abracadabra. 310 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,110 Oh, crap. 311 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,650 I missed your hand and blew out that guy's taillight. 312 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,750 Let's get out of here before we get in trouble. 313 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:58,390 Well, you didn't miss. I caught the bullet. I can feel it in my hand. 314 00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,360 It's hot... 315 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:02,290 and bloody. 316 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,890 Oh, God. Oh, God. [Grunts] 317 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,560 Uh, Reverend, look. I know you said you'd kill me if I said another word- 318 00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:11,470 Yup, and you just said about eight. 319 00:17:11,570 --> 00:17:15,640 [Earl Narrating] I was scared. Butjust 'cause the reverend had lost his faith in God... 320 00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:17,650 didn't mean I had lost my faith in karma. 321 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:21,080 A few years back I shot out the taillight of your truck! Make it quick! 322 00:17:21,180 --> 00:17:23,740 You broke that taillight? 323 00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:27,120 [Earl Narrating] Reverend Greene got pulled over for having a busted taillight... 324 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:31,160 but the cops forgot about that pretty quick once they looked in the back ofhis truck. 325 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:35,490 AK-47 s, cop-killer bullets, plastic explosives. 326 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,260 Fine. Those are all legal in this state. 327 00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:40,430 But black market flu shots? 328 00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:42,870 I guess public safety means nothing to you. 329 00:17:42,970 --> 00:17:45,500 [Grunts] 330 00:17:45,610 --> 00:17:48,200 That night I got pulled over... 331 00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:50,910 I was supposed to meet up with my gang. 332 00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:55,510 We were selling some flu shots and some dynamite to a Dominican gang with the sniffles. 333 00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,780 But it all went bad. 334 00:17:57,890 --> 00:18:02,090 Somebody pulled a tissue, and one of my guys thought it was a gun... 335 00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:03,820 and all hell broke loose. 336 00:18:03,930 --> 00:18:07,060 By the time the smoke cleared... 337 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,360 everybody in my crew was dead. 338 00:18:09,470 --> 00:18:11,300 L-I don't get it. 339 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,890 Earl, if you hadn't broken that taillight... 340 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,960 I would've ended up a dark blob on a bunch of body parts and Dominican snot. 341 00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:25,010 All this time I've been thinking God wanted me to forgive you for ruining my life... 342 00:18:25,110 --> 00:18:28,710 but what he wanted was me to thank you for saving it. 343 00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:30,980 God, huh? 344 00:18:31,090 --> 00:18:33,820 What can you say about that guy? Isn't he something? 345 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,960 Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry. 346 00:18:44,070 --> 00:18:46,060 [Together] We forgive you. 347 00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,800 #Amazing grace # 348 00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:53,870 # How sweet the sound # 349 00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:56,040 - ## [Continues] - [Earl Narrating] Me and the reverend had been tested... 350 00:18:56,150 --> 00:18:58,480 and, sure, he had strayed from his path... 351 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:01,110 but that's the cool thing about having a path. 352 00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:04,810 Even when you get lost, it's still there waiting for you to find your way back. 353 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,080 # But now I'm found # 354 00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:14,600 #Was blind, but now I see ## 355 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:18,160 #Amazing grace # 356 00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:21,460 # How sweet the sound # 357 00:19:21,570 --> 00:19:27,570 #That saved a wretch like me ## 358 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,650 I'm not doing this to scare you. 359 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,680 - I'm doing this so it will hurt less. - Thank you. 360 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,110 You may wanna turn away. 361 00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:39,810 I do apologize for this. 362 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,580 I promise to put flowers on your shallow, unmarked grave. 363 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,190 Oh! 364 00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,360 Joy! 365 00:19:52,470 --> 00:19:54,460 I couldn't let it happen. 366 00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:57,800 I want the Lifetime movie they make about me to be for something good... 367 00:19:57,910 --> 00:20:00,900 not because I let my husband murder an immigrant in a shed. 368 00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:02,570 [Engine Starts] 369 00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:09,540 You saved my life. 370 00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:13,450 Ah. Maybe as a thank-you, you can tell the cops I'm headed to Mexico... 371 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,150 since I'm going to Canada, our white neighbors to the north. 372 00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:20,890 How about as a thank-you, I don't tell the cops anything at all? 373 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,970 Seriously? 374 00:20:23,070 --> 00:20:26,500 Anyone who gives their husband a concussion to save me from getting my throat slit... 375 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,500 is okay by me. 376 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,660 That's why I'm still friends with my bitchy cousin Judy. 377 00:20:30,770 --> 00:20:35,010 I forgive you for all of this, Joy. I forgive you. 378 00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:37,910 Thank you so much! 379 00:20:38,010 --> 00:20:39,710 [Sniffs] Hmm. 380 00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:43,250 I knew if I ever hugged you, you were gonna smell like burritos and stripper pole. 381 00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:47,950 Tease me all you want. Now I know you love me.