1 00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:03,527 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:07,037 [Earl Narrating]Joy and Darnell were out of Witness Protection and back in Camden... 3 00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:10,871 which meant me and Randy had a few things to fix from our time livin'in their trailer. 4 00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:14,606 I ain't never seen anything like this before! It's everywhere. 5 00:00:14,714 --> 00:00:18,673 It's not my fault the cops chased that guy in here or that he fought back. 6 00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:20,650 Just scrub that guy off my wall, dummy. 7 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,814 Then go outside and pull down all that crime scene tape. 8 00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:25,823 [Earl Narrating] After years in hiding... 9 00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:29,452 Darnell was excited to surface again using his real name, Harry Monroe. 10 00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:32,258 It's nice to finally get on the Internet again as Harry. 11 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,526 Man, have I got a lot of e-mails to return. 12 00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,102 Don't get any ideas about going by Harry again. 13 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:39,671 Took me a long time to remember to say "Darnell" during sex... 14 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,741 and I'm not startin' from scratch. 15 00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:45,868 Mommy, I finished unpacking all your clothes and picked the bugs off of the flypaper. 16 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,708 Will space camp take me now? 17 00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,941 [Hisses, Sighs] 18 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,348 Unfortunately, they just called, baby... 19 00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:56,946 and said that future astronauts also have to wash Mama's dishes. 20 00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:04,620 Hey, Dodge. Are you going to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy? 21 00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:08,064 Me and Randy went when we were kids. It's the awesomest camp of all time. 22 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,136 You know, Chaz Dalton went to outer space. 23 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,931 Plus, he walked on the moon. 24 00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:15,474 And he was the first person to sneeze in space and survive. 25 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,941 Earl, why are you so gay for space? 26 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,875 [High-pitched Voice] I'm not gay for space. 27 00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:22,709 Yeah, he's gay for the men who went to space. There's a difference. 28 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,909 [Normal Voice] I'm not gay for astronauts. 29 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:29,478 But if you had to be gay, you'd pick astronauts, and of all them, you'd pick Chaz. 30 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,557 [Earl Narrating] Well, Randy had me there. 31 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,752 Chaz was a true hero, and he was on my list. 32 00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:37,887 The week I spent at the Space Academy was the greatest week of my life. 33 00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:39,658 - Hey! - Hey! 34 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,099 At first I thought it was gonna suck like everything else my parents made me do. 35 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,229 But that all changed when I met Chaz Dalton. 36 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,085 Good morning, cadets. 37 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:05,021 I'm Chaz Dalton, and I've been to outer space. 38 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,093 - Wow! - That's awesome! 39 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,264 This is the actual suit that I wore on my mission. 40 00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:14,265 [Earl Narrating] Camp was the first time... 41 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,666 I'd ever been interested in learning about anything, and I was a good cadet- 42 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,671 You better pay attention, or I'll open your throat like a juice box! 43 00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,741 In my own way. 44 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,679 But I wanted to do more than just learn from Chaz Dalton. 45 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:31,579 I wanted to be Chaz Dalton. 46 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,988 For once in my life, I stole somethin'for a positive reason. 47 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:40,616 And I even planned on bringin'it back. 48 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,933 I felt like a real astronaut. 49 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,470 I was even weightless- at least between jumps. 50 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,309 I stayed up all night livin'my astronaut dream... 51 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,810 and by mornin'that space suit was pretty dirty. 52 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:04,612 So I decided to wash it and return it to the Space Academy as clean as I'd stolen it. 53 00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:06,981 Apparently, space suits are a match for space... 54 00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:11,955 but no match for a large, energy-inefficient '70s-era dryer. 55 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,083 I felt so bad about ruinin'it... 56 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,856 I never went back to finish camp. 57 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,625 Me and Randy hadn't been back to Space Academy since... 58 00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:23,828 and as soon as I walked in, I felt like a kid again. 59 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,235 Everybody be aware of where they are. 60 00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:29,706 You have to admit, he wears 20 years well. 61 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,203 Man, I've never been this nervous about a list item before. 62 00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,748 Do-Do you think American space heroes like chocolates? 63 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:39,545 - It's not too late to go buy doughnuts. - You know what? 64 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:42,519 If you go back and forth on this one more time, I'm punching you. 65 00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:47,582 Great work today, cadets. America'd be proud of you fine men and women. 66 00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:50,322 Now it's time for a potty break. 67 00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:53,126 Even if you don't have to go, try. 68 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,202 [Chattering] 69 00:03:58,004 --> 00:04:00,973 - Don't embarrass me. - Don't embarrass me! 70 00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,446 E-E-Excuse me... 71 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,812 Mr. Astronaut, sir. 72 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,477 Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something... 73 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,747 that happened here when I was a little boy. 74 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:18,756 I've never had children in the office unless the door was open. Permanent policy. 75 00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:22,760 No, no. Wait, wait. We used to go to camp here, and- 76 00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,797 I stole your space suit. 77 00:04:25,898 --> 00:04:28,423 [Earl Narrating] I told Chaz all about the list... 78 00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,434 and how I turned my life around... 79 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:33,061 and about how sorry I was for what I'd done. 80 00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:36,437 Anyway, I feel awful about what I did. 81 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:40,171 You're the only American hero I've ever shaken hands with... 82 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,407 other than Ted Nugent. 83 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,949 But of all the bad things I've ever done- 84 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:47,246 I'm not gonna cry. 85 00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:50,982 I'm just really sorry for what I did to your suit... 86 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,149 and to you- 87 00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:56,126 - I'm gonna cry. - You don't have to make it up to me, Earl. 88 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,756 I forgive you. It's enough that you finally told the truth. 89 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:02,835 Oh, my God. 90 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,870 You're still teaching me lessons. 91 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,941 Kids like you are the reason why I do this. 92 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,010 You know what fuels the space shuttle? 93 00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:13,601 - Dreams. - Dreams. 94 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,313 I'm gonna get you that space suit. 95 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:28,155 Earl! I just found out there's a planet called- [Laughing] 96 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,161 Ura- 97 00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,792 Ura- Ura- 98 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,527 [Laughing Continues] 99 00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,331 Wait. I forgot. I'll be right back. 100 00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,737 You been on that computer a lot. 101 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,812 Nobody likes a black nerd, Darnell. 102 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,643 You know that's why I won't let EarlJunior get those prescription glasses. 103 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:52,980 Baby, I'm just on BuddyBook. It's a social networking site that connects you with friends. 104 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,522 It's like what MySpace and Facebook used to be before all the old people ruined it. 105 00:05:56,622 --> 00:06:00,251 - [Computer Chirping] - Hear that? It means I got another friend request. 106 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,524 - I'm up to 320. - 320 friends? 107 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,928 Are you tryin' to get on the prom court or somethin'? 108 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,934 I mean, why would you need that many friends? Everybody knows you only need two. 109 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,335 Poor friend to make you feel rich and a fat friend to make you feel skinny. 110 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:16,602 If you're lucky like me, you get both in one, like Eugenia. 111 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,176 Who's this old bag hangin' on you? 112 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,009 - That's Margaret Thatcher. - Mmm. 113 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,176 Well, at least I know you're not bangin' her. 114 00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,753 Not anymore. 115 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,982 [Earl Narrating] To find a new space suit for Chaz... 116 00:06:31,090 --> 00:06:33,524 me and Randy went to the nearest NASA field office. 117 00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:35,992 And lucky for us, they validated parking. 118 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:38,791 I asked, and it seems like we don't sell space suits. 119 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,729 But I'm going to call another office. 120 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,529 Cape Kennedy is a little more loosey-goosey. 121 00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,900 You can wait over there by the wall of astronauts. 122 00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:48,701 Do you have aliens here? 123 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:51,709 If you'll wait over there. Thanks. 124 00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:56,280 They definitely keep the aliens here, don't you think? 125 00:06:56,382 --> 00:06:59,112 Maybe. It was a big issue in the election a few months ago. 126 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,186 Catalina wouldn't shut up about it. 127 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:06,088 Don't tell her I said this, but I don't think they should have the same rights as us. 128 00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,752 Hey, look. It's Chaz. 129 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:11,727 [Earl Narrating] It was the right name... 130 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,662 but that picture wasn't the Chaz I knew. 131 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,428 No, it's not. 132 00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,800 Son of a bitch! 133 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,904 Earl, that's not the dude from Camden. 134 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,982 I know. I can't believe this guy, pretending to be a hero... 135 00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,448 gettin' kids all excited about space camp. 136 00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,077 For God's sakes, Dodge's middle name is "Chaz." 137 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,088 You know what we gotta do, Randy? 138 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,283 We gotta find the real Chaz and get some answers. 139 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,724 [Earl Narrating] While we went to search for the real Chaz... 140 00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,853 Joy was making it easier for people to find her. 141 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:47,990 Once we get you BuddyBookin', you'll find out there's nothin' to be threatened by, baby. Okay? 142 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,295 - Sex. - Love it. 143 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,304 - Race? - American. 144 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:56,432 - Sexual orientation. - Reverse cowboy. 145 00:07:56,542 --> 00:08:00,000 - Occupation? - Pimp. No, wait. Hustler. 146 00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:03,081 No, wait. Big baller. 147 00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,310 You know what? Just put "mom." 148 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,614 - Hometown? - Your face. 149 00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,780 That's funny, isn't it? 150 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,721 - Political views? - Gop. 151 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,521 - Favorite book. - Phone. 152 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,256 - [Chirps] - Okay. That's it. You're on BuddyBook. 153 00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,332 See? It's not some big secret. 154 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,401 Now we just put out a friend request. 155 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,936 Once the people approve you, they'll show up in your friend list. 156 00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:27,301 Oh, snap! There's a place to put a picture. 157 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:30,204 I'm gonna use the one of me posin' with that deer I ran over. 158 00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,777 [Earl Narrating] For 50 bucks and a ride to her boyfriend's house... 159 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,439 that NASA lady gave us Chaz's address. 160 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,210 I don't know exactly what words I'm gonna use, but... 161 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:40,911 I do know that he deserves to hear the truth. 162 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,421 'Cause what we're dealing with here, Randy, is a true American treasure. 163 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,424 [Door Opens] 164 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,561 That guy was an astronaut? 165 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:58,228 [Earl] So he doesn't look like one. That's okay. 166 00:08:58,337 --> 00:09:00,168 He's still an American hero. 167 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,400 Excuse me, Mr. Dalton? 168 00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:05,705 I got a religion and all the Bibles I need. 169 00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:08,075 Earl, he thinks we'reJojoba Witnesses. 170 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:10,978 Now get off of my lawn! 171 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,278 Look, there's a guy in Camden impersonating you. 172 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:20,348 He's been at it for years. He's got a camp called the Chaz Dalton Space Academy. 173 00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:23,087 - What? - I know. It's terrible. 174 00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:26,528 This good-for-nothing flimflam man has been lyin' to kids for years... 175 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,964 tellin' 'em he's the real Chaz Dalton. 176 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,229 Is this guy makin' money off my name? 177 00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:35,671 Hell, yeah, he's been makin' money- on your glorious coattails. Tons of it. 178 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:39,973 He drives a Saturn S.V.U. He's even got a credit card just for the gas station. 179 00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,411 If you'll allow me to escort you to Camden... 180 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:46,076 it'd be my honor to walk you into that impostor academy, that hall of lies... 181 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:50,315 just to see that faker quake in his fake faker space boots. 182 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,891 Okay. I'll go. 183 00:09:52,992 --> 00:09:55,222 But I get to pick the radio station. 184 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,263 No deal! Earl, let's get out of here. 185 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,731 He'll ride in the back with your bag. 186 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,165 [Earl Narrating] I was on my way to making a new friend... 187 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,067 which was one more than Joy had. 188 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:09,403 My BuddyBook is broken. Nobody responded to my friend request. 189 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:12,739 Yeah. BuddyBook probably broke. Best just to forget the whole thing. 190 00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:15,973 Whatever. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. 191 00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,509 All right. Listen up, everybody. 192 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:23,350 Y'all been ignorin'my BuddyBook request, and I want some answers. 193 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,185 Pickle egg guy? 194 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,660 Black cowboy? 195 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,362 Fat dude's brother? 196 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,163 I thought we were friends. 197 00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,999 But none of y'all cowards are gonna answer me. 198 00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,598 And TV's Tim Stack. How long have we known each other? 199 00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:48,612 Joy, I didn't accept your friend request because you're mean. 200 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:52,275 - [Crowd Agreeing] - And you commented on a photo of me and wrote... 201 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,013 "Your face looks like it has syphilis." 202 00:10:55,121 --> 00:11:00,525 - That was a joke. - It's not a joke when you really have syphilis. 203 00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,060 [Earl Narrating] I finally made it back to Camden with my brother... 204 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,062 and the guy I wished was my other brother. 205 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,155 And I was ready to see the fireworks fly. 206 00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:09,359 Olly, olly, oxen fraud! 207 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,469 I found the real Chaz Dalton. 208 00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:16,973 Just take a good look, 'cause this is what a real American hero looks like. 209 00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:21,844 Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! 210 00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,415 You scared, impostor Chaz? 211 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,953 - My name is Wayne. - Oh, is it Wayne? 212 00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:30,750 Or is Wayne another name you stole from an American hero... 213 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:35,190 likeJohn Wayne or Wayne Newton or Dwayne Wayne? 214 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:38,730 He's tellin' the truth. 215 00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:41,732 [Earl Narrating] Turns out Wayne worked with Chaz back at NASA. 216 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:44,132 Wayne wanted to be an astronaut more than anything... 217 00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:48,536 but he kept gettin'passed over 'cause he was born with female-sized lungs. 218 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,610 Oh, hey, Wayne! [Grunts] 219 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,839 Hey. Oh. That throttle looks clean. 220 00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:56,676 Listen, I wanted to ask you something. 221 00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:01,242 You think you could maybe go to this park opening thing in Camden for me? 222 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:03,947 I'll pay you 50 bucks. I hate crowds. 223 00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,616 - Nobody's gonna believe I'm you. - Oh, Wayne. 224 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,695 People respect astronauts. They don't know what we look like. 225 00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,763 It's the helmets, you know. 226 00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,458 Come on. Give it a try. 227 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,866 If you're lucky, there might be some space groupies there. 228 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:21,736 Maybe even someJohn Glenn hasn't gotten to yet. 229 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,934 But doubtful. 230 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:27,035 [Earl Narrating] And the next day Camden gathered a group of American heroes... 231 00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:29,114 to honor the late Paul Lynde... 232 00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:31,649 who had once stopped in town for a sandwich. 233 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:36,347 And then the space shuttle reaches the speed of 17,000 miles per hour. 234 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:39,515 Wow. You're the greatest American hero I've ever met. 235 00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:41,559 Sorry, Dad. 236 00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,753 [Earl Narrating] And Wayne pulled it off. 237 00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:46,957 He was a hero among heroes. 238 00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,034 I can't believe you did that. 239 00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:52,901 You put the "ass" in astronaut. You put the "not" in astronaut. 240 00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,905 Zing! 241 00:12:55,007 --> 00:12:59,444 I'm sorry. I, uh- 242 00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:04,439 l-I guess this place belongs to you. 243 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:07,678 Do you mind if I get the other half of my sandwich out of the fridge? 244 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,755 I was gonna have that for din- 245 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,755 Never mind. 246 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,653 - It better not have been a hero sandwich! - Bye, Chaz. 247 00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,958 [Earl Narrating] The next mornin' I was so excited about announcin'... 248 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,465 that a real astronaut was takin'over the academy. 249 00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:25,162 Me and Randy even made a curtain out of comforters from the motel. 250 00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:28,138 So, any of you kids allowed on BuddyBook? 251 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,370 Good morning, campers. We have a special surprise for you. 252 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,777 It's my pleasure to introduce a true American hero. 253 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,351 - Get off of my lawn! - [Children Gasping] 254 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:47,021 [Laughing] 255 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,861 [Slurring] I'm all right. I can walk from here. 256 00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:58,164 - [Grunts] - What the hell are you doin'? 257 00:13:58,270 --> 00:14:00,170 I just took some anxiety pills. 258 00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:04,003 Well, anxiety pills smell a lot like scotch and Dentyne Ice. 259 00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:06,077 Don't make me go back out there. 260 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,976 I'm not a real hero. 261 00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,174 I'm also a fraud. 262 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:14,411 [Earl Narrating] Turns out, Chaz wasn't exactly who I thought he was either. 263 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,886 He only got to be an astronaut... 264 00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:20,083 'cause his dad was a senator who gave fundin'to NASA. 265 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,161 And the other astronauts hated him for it. 266 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:30,659 Some people might have worked hard to prove themselves in that situation... 267 00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,669 but not Chaz. 268 00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:36,867 All he cared about before takeoff was eatin'as much real food as possible. 269 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:41,371 - # When I die and they lay me to rest # - [Man] We have liftoff. 270 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,710 [Earl Narrating] And after the shuttle finally launched... 271 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,307 Chaz suddenly discovered he was claustrophobic... 272 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,409 had motion sickness and was afraid ofheights. 273 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,852 - # Goin'up to the spirit in the sky ## - I don't like it! 274 00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,856 I don't like it! 275 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,086 [Voices On Radio, Indistinct] 276 00:14:56,195 --> 00:15:00,564 [Screaming] 277 00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:03,226 I'm not a hero. 278 00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:05,235 I blew it. 279 00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:08,135 They had to cut the mission short 'cause I threatened to kill myself. 280 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,640 I thought enough time had gone by... 281 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,008 but when I thought of those little kids, I just- 282 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,081 I just couldn't do it. 283 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:19,446 But they look up to you. L-I can't let you break their hearts. 284 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:21,519 They don't look up to me. 285 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,851 There's Chaz Dalton, the man, and Chaz Dalton, the myth. 286 00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:28,484 They look up to the myth. This whole place is a myth! 287 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:32,257 You know, I'm gonna go out there and tell 'em I'm shuttin' the camp down. 288 00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,264 [Grunts] 289 00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,960 I mean, they're all paid up, right? Hey, kids! 290 00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,969 Camp's closing! 291 00:15:40,739 --> 00:15:42,673 There are no heroes! 292 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,675 That's it! 293 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,473 [Earl Narrating] I knew what I was doin'wasn't right, but I was pissed. 294 00:15:47,579 --> 00:15:50,548 Let go of me! 295 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:55,109 I'm not gonna let those kids find out how bad it hurts when you lose your hero! 296 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,518 And then you think you find your real hero... 297 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,592 and it turns out he's not your real hero either! 298 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:03,218 - Are you crying? - No. 299 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:06,594 [Earl Narrating] Dealing with Chaz was gonna have to wait... 300 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:09,759 because there was an entire room ofkids hopin'there was more to space camp... 301 00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,666 than watchin'a drunk astronaut battle with gravity. 302 00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,262 [Boys] Five, six, seven, eight. Try to keep your thumb straight. 303 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:18,832 So me and Randy decided to try runnin'the space camp ourselves. 304 00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:21,504 Unfortunately, we didn't know a lot about space- 305 00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,605 [Together] Three, two, one, blastoff! 306 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,015 - or camp- - [Gasping] 307 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,349 Or runnin'things. 308 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:33,516 - All right, campers. Helmets on. - # We had a lot ofluck on Venus # 309 00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:35,525 #We always had a ball on Mars # 310 00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,754 Hey, Earl. Mine's really workin'. 311 00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:40,331 I'm actually startin' to see space. 312 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:42,798 Hey, look. There's Grandma. 313 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,129 - [Body Thuds] - [Grunts] 314 00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,797 Bags off. Bags off. 315 00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:50,704 [Earl Narrating] Eventually, the kids caught on. 316 00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:54,438 We tried our hardest, but sometimes your hardestjust sucks. 317 00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:57,811 - Show us how to walk on the moon. - Okay. 318 00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:01,477 #Come on Let's go space truckin'# 319 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,681 #Come on, come on ## 320 00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:07,190 That's not how you do it. 321 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,054 - [Door Alarm Chimes] - Chaz. You show us. 322 00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,994 - Yeah! Please. - Chaz! 323 00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:17,831 I know I said I wouldn't come back, but I really do wanna get that half a sandwich. 324 00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:20,063 Will you show us the right way to walk on the moon? 325 00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:24,336 - Yeah, Chaz, please! - Yeah. Come on. 326 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,236 All right. But then you have to leave. 327 00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,583 Okay. Everybody up. 328 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:35,744 Now remember, you never move too fast... 329 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,516 and you look before you step... 330 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,593 'cause there's lots and lots of craters... 331 00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:45,026 and I think Alan Shepard left a few golf tees up there. 332 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,428 Do you think I could be an astronaut? 333 00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:51,162 - Definitely, with some hard work. - What about me? 334 00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:54,831 [Earl Narrating] I didn't like it, but I couldn't deny Wayne was good with the kids- 335 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,703 and Randy. 336 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,903 I didn't know what to do. Luckily, someone else did. 337 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:03,812 Chaz, can I have your autograph? 338 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,818 I'd love to. 339 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,554 Kids, there's something I gotta tell you. 340 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:13,989 Go ahead. Give it to 'em. 341 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,323 [Earl Narrating] Believe it or not, me gettin'pissed... 342 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,761 and throwin'Chaz in the closet was the best thing that could have happened. 343 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:33,303 He found a bunch ofboxes filled with thank-you letters. 344 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:37,644 There were hundreds ofkids who looked up to Chaz, just like I had. 345 00:18:37,749 --> 00:18:40,411 Kids who might never grow up to be astronauts... 346 00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,818 but who Chaz had inspired. 347 00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:46,015 Kids who'd learned to love science... 348 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,252 kids who'd learned to love adventure... 349 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,954 kids who'd learned to love chasin'their dreams. 350 00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:59,101 And one creepy guy from Nathanville who wanted Chaz to have sex with his wife. 351 00:19:00,906 --> 00:19:03,500 Every kid deserves an autograph from their hero. 352 00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,440 Are you sure? 353 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:10,976 You're good with people and with explaining stuff. 354 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,849 And you're fun. Not all astronauts are. 355 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,685 [Earl Narrating] Chaz realized that the myth of Chaz Dalton... 356 00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:20,758 was more important than the man. 357 00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,851 'Cause the myth had inspired hundreds ofkids, and that was real. 358 00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:26,988 So it worked out the camp would be both of their legacies. 359 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,533 Wayne Chaz was good at talkin'about stuff... 360 00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:34,334 and Chaz Chaz had access to all the real stuff, including another space suit... 361 00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,703 which meant I got to cross Chaz Dalton off my list. 362 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:40,642 #I'm a rocket man # 363 00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,907 - # Rocket man # - It turned out, pretending to be someone else... 364 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,006 could help a lot of different people... 365 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:50,077 even if it meant staying up all night making 351 fake profiles on BuddyBook. 366 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:54,091 - Holden Caulfield, New York. - # And I think it's gonna be a long, long time # 367 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:59,358 - Occupation: Catcher. - # Till touchdown brings me round again to find # 368 00:19:59,464 --> 00:20:02,262 #I'm not the man they think I am at home # 369 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,063 - # Oh, no, no, no # - [Chirps] 370 00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:08,105 - # I'm a rocket man # - Hot damn. I did it. Baby, I won BuddyBook! 371 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,834 #Rocket man ## 372 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,400 Yesterday, the only friend I had was you, but now I got 352. 373 00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:16,072 That's more than Catalina, and most of hers are probably roommates. 374 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,412 That's great, baby. I knew you could do it. 375 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,418 I don't remember this one woman who friended me... 376 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,784 but she says she was my choir teacher in the third grade. 377 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,914 She kind oflooks familiar. 378 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:29,460 Bless her little Asian heart. I'm gonna throw a sheep at her. 379 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:33,292 [Earl Narrating] It goes to show, whether it's space heroes or computer net friends... 380 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,629 sometimes a fake one works just as good as the real thing. 381 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,704 Joy wasn't the only one who got what she wanted. 382 00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:44,003 Chaz made a phone call to NASA, and somebody finally made his first trip into space. 383 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:47,135 - [Woman On Radio] All systems are go. - Houston, we're totally awesome. 384 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,373 [Earl Narrating] It may havejust been a simulator... 385 00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:51,381 but the feelin'was real.