1
00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,197
[Earl Narrating] With Joy and Darnell
in the Witness Protection program...
2
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:08,570
me and Randy were back in the trailer and
enjoying the luxury of getting our own beds.
3
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,007
[Water Sloshing]
4
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:15,343
Damn it, Randy. Every night
you're climbing into bed with me.
5
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:18,906
- You got your own room now.
- There's a scary, scratchy noise out there.
6
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,386
Like a bush rubbing
against the door scratchin'...
7
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,650
or like the Shower Cap Killer scratchin'?
8
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,386
No one's ever heard
the Shower Cap Killer and survived.
9
00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,792
Except for that one woman,
and he cut out her tongue.
10
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:32,262
Until she learns to use a fake one,
it's all just-
11
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:35,562
[Muffled] The Shower Cap Killer-
He cut out my tongue.
12
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,068
[Babbling]
13
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,264
[Babbling, Laughing]
14
00:00:42,675 --> 00:00:45,872
Wait. That could be us. Grab a weapon.
15
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:49,437
- [Crickets Chirping]
- [Scratching]
16
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,177
- I can't see anything.
- That makes sense.
17
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:55,777
Some say the Shower Cap Killer's a kid.
18
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,951
[Scratching Continues]
19
00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:06,064
Ready?
20
00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,727
One, two, three!
21
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:11,895
[Both Shout]
22
00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:15,330
[Both]
Hey!
23
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:18,411
[Earl Narrating] Ever sinceJoy
lost Mr. Turtle offher car roof...
24
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:21,036
he'd been on a long journey home.
25
00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:24,583
He escaped from pet-loving nudists.
26
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:27,414
He participated in his first marathon.
27
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,352
- He got into a little trouble
with drugs and alcohol.
- [Siren Wailing]
28
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,360
- [Man Shouting]
- [Gunshots]
29
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:38,056
- [Screaming]
- And he saw some things he shouldn't have seen.
30
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,031
He even took a lover for a few days.
31
00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:44,103
But now he found his way back.
32
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,331
Welcome home.
33
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,034
I don't know how to break the news to you,
so I'm just gonna spit it out.
34
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:54,671
Joy, Darnell and the kids were put into Witness
Protection and we'll never see 'em again.
35
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,442
- He's freaking out.
- Yeah.
36
00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:02,146
Let's put him in his fish tank
till he calms down.
37
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,783
Hold on, Earl. As long as Darnell's not here,
I've got some unfinished business.
38
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,793
[Gurgles]
39
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:13,093
That was for ruining my chances with the girl
at the Crab Shack Christmas party.
40
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,759
My name is Earl.
41
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,364
[Earl Narrating] Ever since Darnell
was taken away by Witness Protection...
42
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,204
the Crab Shack got a little more... festive.
43
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,835
- # Wake me up before you go-go #
- Oh, coasters, please.
44
00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:29,005
I just waxed the bar.
45
00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:30,878
I still can't believe you work here now.
46
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,578
Just picking up a couple of shifts
while Darnell's gone.
47
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:35,881
My I RA's in the dumper.
48
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,049
What you and Ira do behind closed doors
is none of my business.
49
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,686
Hey, you should try something
off Kenny's new martini menu.
50
00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:47,198
- He named the drinks
after Sex and the City characters.
- Earl, I'll bet you're a Carrie.
51
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,495
[Catalina]
I don't want to sound conceited...
52
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,230
but I think Mr. Turtle
just looked at me and licked his lips.
53
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,863
Oh, he's probablyjust hungry.
We haven't fed him yet.
54
00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:59,240
Hold on there, little fella.
I got your food right here.
55
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,575
Darnell-
or as you know him, Mr. Human-
56
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,911
left that for ya.
57
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,185
The hell?
58
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,755
"Dear Earl:
If you're using this food I left you...
59
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,051
"that means you found Mr. Turtle.
60
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,388
Please call me." And there's a number.
61
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,758
Kenny, let me use the phone.
62
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,967
And I told the jerk,
"Endless breadsticks and salad...
63
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:24,468
means endless breadsticks and salad!"
64
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,039
- [All Laughing]
- [Cell Phone Ringing]
65
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:30,109
- Excuse me, folks.
- [Ringing Continues]
66
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,915
- [Beeps]
- Hello?
67
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:40,008
- Darnell?
- So I'm gone for a week
and there's no "Hey, Crabman"?
68
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,087
Well, I guess life goes on.
69
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,088
Hey, Crabman.
70
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,090
Hey, Earl.
71
00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:49,184
So did you find Mr. Turtle,
or did Randy just get into the turtle food?
72
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,890
[Crunching]
73
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:55,729
[Earl Narrating]
I told Darnell about finding Mr. Turtle...
74
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:59,737
so he gave me his new address
for me to ship the little guy to him.
75
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,933
Then he asked me to destroy the paper
I wrote it down for all of our safety.
76
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,602
And don't worry.
I won't give anyone else this phone number.
77
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:09,512
This phone is dead now anyway.
Good-bye, Earl, and thanks.
78
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,258
You can'tjust ship a turtle, Earl.
It's not like a vase or a person.
79
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,729
You have the address. Why don't you
just drive Mr. Turtle down there yourself?
80
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,766
Bruce!
81
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:31,098
[Earl Narrating] As I sat there,
I wondered: Was Kenny right?
82
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,469
Was sending the turtle
via snail mail a snafu...
83
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:38,704
or was I just talking myself
into making me the priority mail?
84
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,075
Screw this. I want a beer.
85
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,705
So the next morning,
me and Mr. Turtle hit the road.
86
00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:46,250
I didn't take Randy
'cause long drives made him carsick...
87
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,843
and the medicine for that made him hungry.
88
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,981
It was an endless cycle
we both wanted to avoid.
89
00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:55,993
I miss Earl already. I know in my heart
it's better that he left me behind...
90
00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:58,893
but it's still weird
sitting here at the bar by myself.
91
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:01,796
If you want company, the Camden
Men's Glee Club will be performing...
92
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,835
a Top Gun tribute at the air show.
93
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,962
They're holding auditions.
I am hoping for Maverick.
94
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:11,703
Thanks anyway, but I have to go home
to that empty trailer at some point.
95
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,788
I know what it's like to miss somebody...
96
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,723
especially when the two of you
have been living together.
97
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,192
But it gets easier, I promise you.
98
00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:31,229
- I'm Jim.
- Randy.
99
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,300
Maybe I can take you to a movie later,
help get your mind off things.
100
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,267
Sure. And I'll try not to fill up
on junk food here...
101
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,361
so I can eat a good dinner at the theater.
102
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:41,531
[Chuckles]
103
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,870
[Barking]
104
00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:46,911
[Earl Narrating]
After driving all night...
105
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,379
and convincing the guard
atJoy and Darnell's gated community...
106
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,450
that I was an exotic pet delivery boy...
107
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:54,019
I finally made it to their house.
108
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,381
Barely.
109
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,390
[Knocking]
110
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,920
Earl! What the hell?
111
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:07,261
Wow, Joy. You look like
the weather lady from Channel 4.
112
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,859
My name is Goldie now. Get inside!
113
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,200
L-I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin
your Witness Protection identity, but-
114
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,470
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Our lives are in constant danger.
115
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,569
Blah, blah, blah.
I have got bigger fish to fry.
116
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,706
[Earl Narrating]Joy wasn't as concerned
about my presence threatening her life...
117
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,284
as she was worried about it
threatening her social life.
118
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,014
She was having trouble
being accepted by the local women.
119
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,614
This is my signature
Swiss Colony cheese ball.
120
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,353
Then for dessert,
we've got a Ritz mock apple pie.
121
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:38,919
You'll swear it's got real apples in it.
But it's just wet crackers.
122
00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:42,023
No offense, Goldie, but we're really
not used to eating like this.
123
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,195
- What do you mean?
- It's a little high-fat.
124
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:49,138
Oh, come on, ladies.
Live a little. It's a party.
125
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:54,009
- Yeah, in a trailer park.
- [Laughing]
126
00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,809
Well, you guessed the theme!
127
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,816
It's a white trash party.
128
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,819
Oh! That is funny.
129
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,617
And that explains
all the tacky crap in your hair.
130
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:06,954
Yes. That's right.
131
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:09,289
Anything for a laugh.
132
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:13,422
I try my best to be friends with these women,
but it's like they can smell Camden on my skin.
133
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:16,900
Joy, you spend a decade living by the hog
rendering plant, it's gonna get into your pores.
134
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,904
I lived upwind from Porkweiser.
That's not it.
135
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,974
Snobs like that have always
looked down on me.
136
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:26,033
In high school, my mom gave me a rabbit
fur jacket for Christmas.
137
00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:28,511
I was so proud to show if off...
138
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:32,710
till one of those rich girls pointed out
it was a coat she'd given to Goodwill.
139
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:36,277
She showed everybody
where her pet rabbit had humped it.
140
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,256
- I thought it was a elbow patch.
- I hear ya.
141
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:41,622
In high school, the rich kids
would make fun of me...
142
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,661
for wearing the same two shirts
over and over.
143
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:48,029
I swore when I grew up, I'd have
a flannel for every day of the week.
144
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,194
And I do. By God, I do.
145
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,272
I still have a chance with these women.
146
00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:55,340
They haven't decided if I'm in or out.
147
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,308
If they see somebody like you here,
I'm definitely out.
148
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:06,442
Look here, drifter, I don't care if you were in
the Vietnam War. I'm not giving you any soup!
149
00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,452
Now beat it, Rambo!
150
00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:11,682
[Earl Narrating] Since this was important
toJoy, I knew I had to sneak out of there...
151
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,157
before I did anything
that would ruin her chances of fittin'in.
152
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,894
- [Engine Starts]
- [Backfires]
153
00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:20,829
- [Dog Whimpering]
- [Engine Turns Off]
154
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:27,706
What the hell was that noise?
155
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:31,140
L-l-I think I blinded
one of your neighbor's dogs.
156
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,474
No!
157
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,481
[Yelps]
158
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,849
Yup.
159
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,888
Joy, I think I blinded him.
160
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,863
- [Whines]
- What if he's somebody's Seeing Eye dog?
161
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,900
- I gotta get help.
- He's obviously a stray.
Look how dirty his cardigan is.
162
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,902
Just take that thing
back to Camden with you.
163
00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,904
Give it to Catalina. She can dust with it.
164
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:03,908
No, I do not have any leftover mouthwash
you can drink!
165
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,410
Get out of here, you drunk bum!
166
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,379
[Earl Narrating]
While I figured out how to help that dog...
167
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:12,349
Randy had a new friend
looking after him too.
168
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:16,046
Good idea, renting a video
instead of going to the movies.
169
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:20,148
I can't believe there's a Patrick Swayze movie
I've never seen before.
170
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:23,854
To Wong Foo.
That sounds like it's got a lot of ass-kicking.
171
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:26,090
Yeah. Here, taste.
172
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,166
What do you think?
173
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,739
Spaghetti sauce!
174
00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:37,536
[Laughs]
Okay.
175
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:41,340
Sarcastic. I like that.
176
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,905
Hey, you got a little, uh-
177
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:46,985
Earl used to clean food off me.
178
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:52,153
You know, you talk about Earl quite a lot.
How long were you two together?
179
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,227
- Forever.
- Yeah, I know how that feels.
180
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,491
Hardest part's gonna be
sleeping in that big bed without him.
181
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,931
[Sighs]
182
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:05,265
If you let me, I can be your Earl.
183
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,606
Awesome! Sleepover!
184
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,835
Okay!
[Laughing]
185
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,379
[Jim]
All right.
186
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,448
[Earl Narrating]
I took the dog to the vet...
187
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,017
and because it had eaten somethin'
called a tracking chip...
188
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:22,554
she could tell me that its owner lived
a few doors down from Joy.
189
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:37,602
The vet also said it would be a few days
before the dog got its sight back.
190
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,036
[Urinating]
191
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,166
[Knocking]
192
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,711
Um, hello.
193
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,838
Do you own a dog named Gooky?
194
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:51,883
Oh, my- Gucci!
195
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,282
Gucci, baby, what happened to you?
196
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,378
[Earl Narrating]
I was nervous how Carol was gonna react...
197
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,947
since I knew how much
rich ladies love their tiny dogs...
198
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:04,155
so I explained to her all about my list
and how I was gonna make it right.
199
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:08,393
The vet says Gucci's gonna be fine,
but l-I'd really like to make it up to you.
200
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,834
- Tell me more about this karma.
- Excuse me?
201
00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,872
Turns out, she was more interested in me
than her dog.
202
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,135
Carol and her rich friends couldn't sleep.
203
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,837
- It's like their minds just wouldn't shut off.
- # I want a new drug #
204
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:23,142
- They tried sleeping pills. They tried martinis.
- # One that won't make me sick #
205
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:27,447
They even considered having sex
with their husbands, but nothin'helped.
206
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,521
They couldn't quite put their finger on it.
207
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,590
- # I want a new drug ##
- Somethin'was makin' 'em restless.
208
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,319
Even though during the day
they looked very put together...
209
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,691
at night they were fallin'apart.
210
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:39,765
In trying to fill that void
and get some peace of mind...
211
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,698
they were always chasing
the latest spiritual fad.
212
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:46,260
They tried some kind
ofhot and sweaty yoga.
213
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,933
- [Screaming]
- They tried something called
primal scream therapy.
214
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:54,001
- [Gasps, Screams]
- [Screaming]
215
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:56,081
They even tried some kind of fast...
216
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,379
where they only drank shakes made out
of creek water and lawn clippings.
217
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,385
- [Glass Shatters]
- [Grunts]
218
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,455
- Even though none of those things worked...
- [No Audible Dialogue]
219
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,854
They weren't about to stop
looking for one that did.
220
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,756
My friends are gonna love you.
221
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,590
[Women Laughing, Chattering]
222
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:13,597
Everyone. This is Earl.
223
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:18,602
He has this amazing new program
called "The List."
224
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,604
It's just karma.
225
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:23,197
You know, "Do good things,
good things happen."
226
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:28,246
Isn't that just a fabulous mantra?
"Good things happen"!
227
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:32,477
[Earl Narrating] And that's when Joy realized
I might be her ticket to the inner circle.
228
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,247
Yeah, it's very spiritual.
229
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:38,221
Earl is actually an old friend.
230
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:41,725
Guide. Friend-guide.
231
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,761
He is my spiritual guru.
232
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:48,300
- Goldie, you have to share him.
- Oh, of course.
233
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,335
[Clears Throat] Why don't you all
come to my place tomorrow...
234
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,270
for a little talky party...
235
00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:57,604
and he can throw some guru stuff at ya?
236
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,270
"Do good things." "Stitch in time."
"Everybody walk the dinosaur."
237
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:03,610
- Crap like that. You'll see.
- [Chuckling]
238
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:07,450
[TV: Cartoon]
239
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,613
- I'm really glad you asked me to spend the night.
- Me too.
240
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,157
Now I can finally get some sleep.
241
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,724
Oh.
242
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,356
Oh, I get it. Sleep.
243
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,095
You're right, you're right.
Things are going too fast.
244
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:28,401
We should just slow everything way down.
245
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:36,003
Ohhhhhhh-kaaaaay.
246
00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:41,646
- Good night, Jim.
- Good night, Randy.
247
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:44,620
[Earl Narrating] Even though me and Joy
had prepared a pretty fancy presentation...
248
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,657
I was still nervous.
249
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:52,288
Standing up there in front of all these rich
women, I finally understood whatJoy felt.
250
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:54,730
Welcome. Karma.
251
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,031
[Clears Throat]
The Webster's dictionary...
252
00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:03,006
defines "karma" as "the force generated
by a person's actions...
253
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,305
"held in Hinduism and Buddhism...
254
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:09,973
to perpetuate transmigra-"
255
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:12,983
Trans-ma-something.
256
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,053
[Earl Narrating]
Things started out shaky...
257
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,682
but when I ran out of stuff
to read off my hand...
258
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,227
andjust starting talking from my heart,
it got easier.
259
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:26,492
So then I helped
the two army buddies make up...
260
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,760
and everyone lived happily ever after.
261
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,268
- Aw.
- That's really nice.
262
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,100
And it wasn't long
before I had 'em eating out of my hands.
263
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:38,540
Not only did me and Randy do
that cheerleading routine, we nailed it.
264
00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:43,747
Oh! Bravo!
265
00:14:43,849 --> 00:14:46,545
[Earl Narrating]
So the women decided to give karma a try...
266
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,621
and number 1 on all their lists
was mistreating their maids.
267
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,180
I'm so sorry that I made you walk
all the way down to the gas station...
268
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,260
whenever you needed to use the bathroom.
269
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:58,922
From now on, Lupe,
"mi toiletta es su toiletta."
270
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:02,364
I'm sorry I made you dress up
like Dora the Explorer...
271
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,436
at my niece's birthday party.
272
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:07,664
I didn't think you'd get bitten
as much as you did.
273
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:11,265
I'm so sorry I made you work
on Christmas...
274
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:14,574
but the kids kept crying
for Brown Mommy.
275
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,811
Joy. The rich people like us.
276
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,751
I know.
277
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:26,154
Carol let me borrow her lip gloss and didn't
even wipe it off when I gave it back to her.
278
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,419
Who would've guessed the two of us...
279
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,121
would be sitting in a swanky house
with an ice maker...
280
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,597
drinking fancy rich-lady drinks
and eating baby egg pies?
281
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,396
"Egg pies"? Earl.
They're called "kweeshes."
282
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,063
- Try to hold it together here.
- [Mouths Word]
283
00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:44,131
Earl, this is fantastic. You know what I'm
gonna do? I'm gonna get you on Oprah.
284
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:47,644
- Oprah?
- Sure. I go to the same
teeth-whitening guy as Steadman.
285
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:50,271
The minute you walk out on that stage...
286
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:54,682
every woman in America is gonna fall
in love with Earl Hickey and "The List."
287
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,984
[Earl Narrating] Everything was happening
so fast. Steadmans, baby kweeshes-
288
00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,456
I never felt so important.
289
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,925
How do I let karma know I want
my pool before Memorial Day?
290
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,757
I'm asking for a jet.
Butjust a little one.
291
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:08,162
And I'm asking for my boobs to get fixed.
I wanna even these puppies out.
292
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:11,794
- She's got a football and a golf ball in there.
- How quickly does karma happen?
293
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,464
Because that is gonna be
Oprah's first question.
294
00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:18,839
- That is gonna be everyone's first question.
- Super fast. Like a week.
295
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:21,538
- A week?
- A week!
- Forget Memorial Day.
296
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,309
- [Women Chuckling]
- A week?
297
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,283
- What the hell were you thinking?
- I don't know! I got swept up.
298
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:30,287
They were coming at me
with Oprah and kweeshes.
299
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:33,017
You're not the only one
who had issues with rich people in school.
300
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,026
What are you gonna do now, genius?
'Cause they wanna see karma work its magic.
301
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:39,029
They wanna see a pool just appear.
They wanna find a jet in their garage.
302
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:43,067
They wanna wake up to find that their boobs
have just evened out overnight.
303
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,398
Okay, look. I'll think of something.
304
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,098
[Earl Narrating] I spent the rest
of the night trying to figure out...
305
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,699
how to make do on my promises
toJoy's friends.
306
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:55,507
I was thinking and thinking
and coming up with nothing.
307
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:57,514
Then the nothing started
to make me nervous.
308
00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:00,380
Then being nervous and sleep-deprived
started to make me desperate.
309
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,954
Then the desperate started
to make me crazy.
310
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,216
Then the crazy started to make me crazy.
311
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:08,555
And once you start repeating yourself
like that, you know you're in trouble.
312
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:11,527
- By morning, I had lost it.
- The hell are you doing?
313
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,427
I got it all figured out.
What do you think?
314
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,399
I think you lost your mind.
What the hell does all this mean?
315
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,936
Oh, it's simple.
316
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,030
We have Darnell get that stuff Witness
Protection put in our necks to knock us out.
317
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:25,269
- Then we shoot it intoJanine's neck.
- You want to knock outJanine?
318
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:29,609
I don't want to, but it's the only way we can
get her to a boob doctor without her knowing.
319
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:33,014
It's all right here.
We gotta get creative, Joy.
320
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:36,519
- [Doorbell Rings]
- That must be the backhoe
I rented to dig Carol's pool.
321
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,522
Right on time!
322
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,118
Ladies.
323
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:46,527
Uh, not-not to worry.
324
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:50,363
Kar- Karma's working on
getting you all that stuff.
325
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:53,768
- We still got six days, but-
- It's okay. We don't need those things.
326
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:56,739
[Man Shouts]
#I feel good #
327
00:17:56,842 --> 00:18:00,642
[Earl Narrating] Turns out, karma had
already given 'em something better.
328
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,579
Last night, the women were expecting
to once again toss and turn.
329
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:05,650
But something strange happened.
330
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,719
For the first time in years...
331
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:11,620
- they didn't need sleeping pills
or midnight martinis.
- # So good, so good #
332
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:14,715
- Theyjust closed their eyes
and drifted peacefully to sleep...
- # I got you #
333
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:18,092
- and they stayed like that all night.
- # I feel nice #
334
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:20,529
#Like sugar and spice ##
335
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,862
Karma had found something
to reward them with-
336
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:24,936
peace of mind.
337
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,830
I guess I don't need my own jet.
338
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,841
And Carol doesn't need a pool.
339
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,969
I'm always drunk, and I can't swim.
Probably not a good idea.
340
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:39,945
Wow. Uh, I'm... glad
everything worked out.
341
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:43,681
I can't wait to get back
to doing nice things.
342
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,957
One of which...
343
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:50,790
is being a little less
judgmental of you, Goldie.
344
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:53,330
Oh! Have you been judgmental?
345
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:57,027
For the life of me, I had not noticed.
346
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,331
[Crying]
I had not noticed.
347
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,599
Um, would you like to come in
for some mimosas?
348
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,472
Ooh.
349
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,774
I have some champagne... in a bottle.
350
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,349
[Earl Narrating]
Joy found some friends...
351
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,818
and I was reminded of the best benefit
of doing good things-
352
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:20,051
that having a clear conscience
helps you sleep through the night.
353
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:24,323
Yesterday, after lying about karma,
I couldn't sleep a wink.
354
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:28,331
Now that I was guilt-free,
it was time to reap the rewards.
355
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:45,614
- Good night, Jim.
- R-Randy. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
356
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:48,686
Look. I don't wanna rush you, all right?
357
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:51,312
But we've been sharing
the same bed now for three nights...
358
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,891
and all we do is sleep.
359
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:57,985
- I wanna do more.
- There's tons of fun things we can do.
360
00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:01,293
- Me and Earl used to do some crazy stuff.
- Really?
361
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,028
Crazy stuff? Like, uh- Like what?
362
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,105
Well, sometimes
we'd get drunk and wrestle.
363
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:12,400
Okay. Okay. But we're-we're
gonna need a safe word.
364
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,378
[Car Approaches]
365
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,846
[Brakes Squeal]
366
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:20,384
That's Earl! He came back!
367
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,113
Oh! Damn it, Jim!
368
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,417
When are you gonna learn
you're not a surgeon?
369
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:28,118
You just can't fix broken hearts.
370
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,360
Just promise me you won't
let him hurt you again.
371
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,162
- Okay.
- [Engine Shuts Off]
372
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:40,635
[Car Door Opens, Closes]