1 00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:04,195 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:06,363 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:08,464 Well, that was me. Every time somethin'good happened to me... 4 00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:10,509 somethin'bad was waitin'around the corner. 5 00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:12,510 But then while I was laid up... 6 00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:15,740 I learned about a thing called karma from watching Carson Daly. 7 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,249 So I made a list of all the rotten things I've done... 8 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:20,842 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for 'em. 9 00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,751 I'm just tryin'to be a better person. 10 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,824 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,484 [Earl Narrating] AfterJoy, Darnell and the boys were snatched... 12 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,563 by the Witness Protection Program... 13 00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:33,427 me and Randy took advantage of the free rent and moved back to the trailer. 14 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,558 I think we should've left the plastic. 15 00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:39,399 You know, so we wouldn't have to get up to go pee, like Mom and Dad did with my bed. 16 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:44,000 Randy, they put that plastic on because you peed the bed, not so you could pee the bed. 17 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,408 Chicken and the egg, Earl. Chicken and the egg. 18 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:49,107 Your mail was finally released from police evidence... 19 00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:52,013 but they still haven't caught that mailbox sniper. 20 00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:55,053 [Whispering] It's one of the girls at Club Chubby. 21 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:59,114 "Happy Presidents Day. And congrats again on freeing the slaves." 22 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:01,716 [Earl] It's from our great-aunt Leila. 23 00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:04,058 Ten years ago, she started thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln. 24 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:08,066 - Now she sends him a gift every Presidents Day. - Awesome! A lotto ticket! 25 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,728 Scratchers are fun, 'cause even if you don't win anything... 26 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:13,772 you still get to eat all this silver candy you scratched off. 27 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:28,953 I won! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Whoo-hoo! 28 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:31,489 I'm rich! I'm rich! 29 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,422 Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! 30 00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,153 - [Bell Ringing] - Two hundred and fifty- 31 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,058 [Groans] 32 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,965 - [Panting] - Randy, you okay? 33 00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:45,003 Karma hit me, Earl, just like you. 34 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:48,302 I never should've scratched that ticket. 35 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,415 I'll be damned. 36 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:59,417 [Earl Narrating] While karma was turning Randy's life upside down... 37 00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:02,511 the F.B.I. Was doing the same thing toJoy and Darnell. 38 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,647 Where the hell are you takin' us? 39 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:07,749 Well, thanks to your little stunt on Estrada or Nada... 40 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,091 we are now forced to terminate your identities. 41 00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,596 You're no longer Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein... 42 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,157 and we're no longer taking you to Cincinnati's Little Israel district. 43 00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:20,171 Thank God. The thought of cooking my first Passover seder... 44 00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,400 was giving me all kinds of shpilkes. 45 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:25,205 - By the way, I'm diggin' the slow jams. - ## [R&B] 46 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,404 I'm gettin' chick wood just listenin' to 'em. 47 00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,482 Baby, this is serious business. 48 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,607 Look, we're sorry for causing you inconvenience and whatnot... 49 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:35,051 but my grateful wife and I are happy to do or be whatever you say. 50 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:39,182 - Right, baby? - I have told you. I want my name to be Goldie Crystal. 51 00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,385 I wanna live somewhere with skyscrapers and cosmopolitans... 52 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,928 and gay men who are your best friends. 53 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:47,329 What is so hard about that? 54 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:49,401 Welcome to New York. 55 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,470 - [Siren In Distance] - This place is a dump. 56 00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:53,505 Goldie Crystal wouldn't live here. 57 00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:57,167 She doesn't. Your new names are Lorb and Wilma Gruntlebutt. 58 00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:59,142 It's not that bad. 59 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,372 [Rumbling] 60 00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,325 - [Rumbling Fades] - Hey, there's an unexpected perk. 61 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:20,695 Whenever the train comes through, we can lay on the floor and get a free massage. 62 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:25,828 - [Train Horn Blows] - We're gonna be so relaxed. 63 00:03:26,005 --> 00:03:28,701 [Earl Narrating] WhileJoy was upset about her new life... 64 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:31,174 Randy was excited to start his. 65 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:34,371 Here, Randy. Make you feel better. 66 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,382 I made some space beer. Just don't chug it. I used the last of the Tang. 67 00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:40,452 There's no time for space beer. 68 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:43,613 I'm watching Carson Daly so he can tell me what karma wants me to do. 69 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,419 So this whole thing is crazy with the celebrity baby pictures. 70 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:51,054 Did I do something to a celebrity or babies or a picture? 71 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,189 [Daly] The money is gigantic for the exclusive- 72 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:55,199 I've done stuff to pictures, Earl. 73 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:57,735 - Bad stuff. - Okay, this is nuts. 74 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:00,772 Not everything Carson Daly says is a message from karma. 75 00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:03,239 Or if it is, it's probably not for you, it's for me. 76 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:04,970 Oh, so you own karma? 77 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,411 Look, Carson Daly's on national television. 78 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,176 He's talking to hundreds of people, Earl, and one of'em's me... 79 00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,252 except when I'm being interrupted. 80 00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:16,379 ...controversial comedians working today as well. Andrew Dice Clay is here. 81 00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,616 - Dice Clay! That's a list item. - [Audience Cheering] 82 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,750 I told you karma was talking to me. 83 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:27,958 This is where I kept stuff when we lived here. 84 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,262 For a while, it's where I hid dollar bills... 85 00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:33,567 until someone found out and started replacing 'em with little green balls of goo. 86 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,471 [Scraping, Rattling] 87 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:38,567 It's your Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle. 88 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,909 The hell? I thought that guy Zeke stole this. 89 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,983 [Earl Narrating] A few years back, when me and Randy... 90 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:48,520 first lived in the trailer park and were lookin' for beer money in our secret hiding place... 91 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:51,920 we got some new neighbors- Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh. 92 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:55,119 [Car Doors Close] 93 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,287 Welcome to our new home, little brother. 94 00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,366 Hi, neighbor. Nice mustache. 95 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:03,264 - Are you Burt Reynolds's cousin? - No. 96 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,530 You should be. 97 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,163 [Earl Narrating] I liked Zeke right from the start. 98 00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:11,402 And he didn'tjust have good taste in mustaches. 99 00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:14,378 He also loved doing crazy things for free T-shirts... 100 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,644 like the ones they gave away for drinking a glass of fryer fat at the Crab Shack. 101 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,753 [All Chanting] Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! 102 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,722 Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! 103 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,793 Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! 104 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,862 - [Cheering] - Onion ring. 105 00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:33,523 And pretty soon, me and Zeke were best friends. 106 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,533 I just heard they're giving away... 107 00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:38,468 "I took a punch from Yukon Jack" T-shirts down at the gas station. 108 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:40,766 - I'm in. - Me too. Wait. 109 00:05:40,873 --> 00:05:43,341 - Let me getJoy's camera. - All right. Let's go, buddy. 110 00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,968 I've always wanted a picture of me getting punched. 111 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,673 - [Car Engine Starts] - But you don't usually know when it's gonna happen. 112 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,840 Whoo! Whoo whoo! 113 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:54,681 [Earl Narrating] I didn't realize it at the time, but Randy was getting jealous. 114 00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:00,391 So he came up with a plan to break up the friendship. 115 00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:10,435 Aplan that was brilliant, complicated and elaborate-at least for Randy. 116 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,800 - [Spitting] - He knew Zeke chewed tobacco... 117 00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:15,703 but hejust didn't quite know how to do it himself. 118 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:19,938 - [Gagging] - And by the next morning, the trap was set. 119 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,014 [Earl] What the hell? 120 00:06:23,649 --> 00:06:26,777 - Randy, wake up. - Oh, my God. What'd they steal? 121 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:31,220 - Someone broke in and stole my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle. - No! 122 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:34,259 Look! Somebody spit tobacco everywhere... 123 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,693 and threw it up down the front of my shirt. 124 00:06:37,797 --> 00:06:43,258 You know who's gonna be really upset about that belt buckle being gone-Zeke. 125 00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:46,930 He would chew tobacco and stare at that belt buckle for hours. 126 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:00,550 [Earl Narrating] And that night, I was so mad at Zeke... 127 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:03,554 I decided to get back at him by destroying the memories we made together... 128 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,783 and burned his favorite shirts. 129 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,263 Well, now I have to add Zeke Cavanaugh to my list. 130 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:16,062 The worst part is I have no idea how to spell his name. 131 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:19,468 But it was my fault. You never would've burned those shirts... 132 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:22,166 if I hadn't tricked you by stealing your belt buckle and stuff. 133 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,243 You know what? We both did him wrong. 134 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:26,743 - I think we should put him on both our lists. - Awesome. 135 00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:30,111 We both got lists. We both get to cross the same guy off. 136 00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:32,582 We both got that Jay Leno gray patch on our pubes. 137 00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:35,745 Sometimes it's just plain good to be a Hickey. 138 00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:44,519 [Earl Narrating] Me and Randy were making up to the same guy on our lists... 139 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,999 and since this was Randy's first time, I let him take the lead. 140 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:54,534 "My name is Randy. His name is Earl. 141 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,200 We are here to cornflake." 142 00:07:58,377 --> 00:08:00,368 Uh, it's a cornflake. 143 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,614 Eventually, Randy explained about our lists... 144 00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:08,448 and Zeke invited us in. 145 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,545 Man, I loved those shirts. 146 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,352 You and me did some cool stuff together to get those shirts. 147 00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:16,223 Saw Quiet Riot in concert at the mall. 148 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,126 Signed up for an America West credit card. 149 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,960 Sang "I Got You, Babe" at the Crab Shack... 150 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:23,126 on Guys Sing Romantic Songs to Each Other Karaoke Night. 151 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,467 You know, the worst thing that happened- it wasn't losing all my shirts. 152 00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:29,166 It's that we stopped hanging out. 153 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,573 Oh, my God. That's my real list item. 154 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,737 I need to get you two to hang out like you used to. 155 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:37,645 You should go win those shirts again... 156 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:40,913 and then I'll cross you off my list and make that face like you do. 157 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,656 - What do you say, Zeke? - I'm in. 158 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:46,725 I get my cholesterol tested next week... 159 00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:49,727 and if I drink a glass of fryer fat, my doctor will freak. 160 00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:52,889 Let's see Mr. Harvard try to figure that one out. 161 00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,069 - How's it going? - [Door Closes] 162 00:08:57,169 --> 00:09:00,400 - You wanna see my "scabs that look like people" collection? - Hell, yes. 163 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:05,534 Too bad. You can't. Which sucks for you 'cause I just picked off a Pam Anderson. 164 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:09,877 Well, then I guess I won't be showing you my mole that looks like Susan Sarandon. 165 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:13,679 [Earl Narrating] While Randy was stuck with Arlo... 166 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:17,017 Joy, Darnell and the boys were stuck somewhere worse. 167 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:22,750 - Mommy, which side of the sink is the toilet again? - Left. 168 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:26,093 And it didn't help that their place was directly above a dry cleaner. 169 00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,359 [Hissing] 170 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:35,136 Take a break already, Li Ying! We're dying up here! 171 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:38,335 Look, baby, I know it's hot, but on the bright side... 172 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:41,811 my tank top is virtually wrinkle-free and your pores look fantastic. 173 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,281 That's it. I can't take it anymore. 174 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,182 - [Siren Wailing In Distance] - Listen up, New York! 175 00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:50,619 - What are you doing? - Playing a hunch. 176 00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:53,283 - My real name is Joy Turner! - Baby, no! 177 00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:57,328 My husband is Darnell Turner, a.k.a. Harry Monroe. 178 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,830 - We're in the Witness- - [Train Horn Blows] 179 00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,762 - Protection. - [Door Opens] 180 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,837 Damn it. You blew your cover. 181 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,169 - Now we'll have to relocate you again. - Good. 182 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,243 How'd y'all get here so fast? 183 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,836 - We keep a close eye on things the first week. - How close? 184 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:17,313 Close enough to know you're wearing the same thong as yesterday- 185 00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,441 just turned inside out. 186 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,386 [Earl Narrating] So me and Zeke set out to restart our friendship. 187 00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:25,821 - [All] Drink! Drink! Drink! - And replacing his trophy T-shirts... 188 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,893 turned out to bejust the way to do it. 189 00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:29,985 - Shrimp. - [Woman] Yeah! 190 00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:33,293 And lucky for us, Yukon Jack was out on parole... 191 00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:36,163 and back in the "punching people for T-shirts"business. 192 00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:41,331 We even entered the I Sang a Romantic Duet With a Dude Challenge at the Crab Shack... 193 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,342 - and I gotta say, we pretty much crushed it. - # I've had the time of my life # 194 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:49,847 #And I never felt this way before # 195 00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:54,613 #Yes, I swear it's the truth # 196 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:58,349 #And I owe it all to you ## 197 00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,392 A lumberjack camp? Really? 198 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,396 Remember the accents, eh? 199 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,466 Now, I know you don't like being punished... 200 00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:10,034 but if you think you can play dirty, the F.B.I. Can play dirtier. 201 00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:12,570 Trust me. We should quit while we're ahead. 202 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:17,041 Ahead? We live in a pop-up camper with four Canadian dudes... 203 00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:19,907 who don't help us with the chores 'cause they're all missing fingers. 204 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,912 I'm sick of cutting their steaks for 'em. 205 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,750 Oh, no. I'm begging you. Don't do this. 206 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,319 Listen up, you human beavers! 207 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:32,152 My black husband's name is not Lars Nordvist! 208 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,520 I know. Mind-blower. 209 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,721 His name is Harry Monroe! 210 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,025 And I'm Joy Turner! 211 00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:43,499 - All right. Let's go. - Oh, thank God. 212 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,708 Which shirt are you gettin' today? 213 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,572 "I climbed the Camden landfill." 214 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,612 It's gonna take a little while 'cause it's 60 feet higher now. 215 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,909 But a lot of that's from the stair factory that collapsed... 216 00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,779 so the last part could be easier. 217 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,749 - Well, have fun. - [Engine Starts] 218 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,283 [Earl Narrating] That's when Randy realized me and Zeke were friends again... 219 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,519 and he could finally cross Zeke off his arm. 220 00:12:08,627 --> 00:12:10,527 Well, almost cross him off. 221 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:13,359 What the hell? Arlo, what'd you do that for? 222 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:17,596 So Zeke will think Earl burned his shirts again and I can get my brother back. 223 00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:21,639 I'm sure that sounded like a good plan in the beginning. I've had lots of those... 224 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,869 like when I tried to breed wiener dogs with cats to make wiener cats. 225 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,207 But you don't get long, skinny cats. 226 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:30,476 You get one dead cat and a dog with lots of scratches. 227 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:35,384 Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, your plan is worse than that one. 228 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:39,322 Well, I wouldn't even need a bad plan if it wasn't for you. 229 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,360 You're the one who got Earl and Zeke back together again... 230 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,953 and now I'm just... alone and miserable. 231 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:49,330 Wait. I get it. [Chuckles] 232 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,802 Oh, you karma. You got me. 233 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,806 This always happens to Earl. He handles one problem... 234 00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:58,638 only to discover that another problem is the real list item. 235 00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:04,614 I should've known. The neediest, most annoying guys are always the real list items. 236 00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,742 Karma. 237 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,254 [Earl Narrating] Randy knew that his list item had gotten more complicated. 238 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,327 Hejust didn't know how to solve it. 239 00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:17,827 Okay, we've both had three beers each. 240 00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:20,091 We should be able to finally think now. 241 00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:22,167 What could karma want me to do for you? 242 00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:25,101 Do you know you have a scar that looks just like Pamela Anderson? 243 00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:27,172 I'm gonna go get my camera. 244 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:31,403 I understand you being jealous. I used to get jealous too. 245 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:34,911 It's hard when your brother makes a new friend and stops spending time with you. 246 00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:38,814 To be truthful, Zeke has never spent that much time with me... 247 00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:43,014 except when Mom would lock us in the closet so she could go out to drink. 248 00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:47,024 But I wish we were more like you and Earl. Earl loves to hang out with you. 249 00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:49,526 He didn't always like hanging out with me. 250 00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:53,223 It was only four years ago that we started sleeping in the same bed. 251 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,234 We had to work up to it. I had to become the best little brother ever. 252 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,702 - I think I'm a pretty good little brother. - Excuse me. 253 00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,672 But you're annoying and boring and you smell like onions. 254 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,335 Don't get me wrong. I like onions, but a lot of people don't. 255 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,414 But now at least I know how I can help you. 256 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,949 [Randy Narrating] Big brothers like to think they're the funny ones... 257 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:16,215 so it's important to laugh at all theirjokes. 258 00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:20,588 Hey, Randy, what happens when two snails get into a fight? 259 00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,519 They slug it out. 260 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,757 [Laughing] "Slug it out." That's a good one. 261 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,926 [Randy Narrating] No matter how unfunny they are. 262 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:34,495 And it's important to take care of your big brother when he doesn't groom himself. 263 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,934 And you need to put yourself in situations... 264 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,102 where your big brother can be the hero. 265 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,408 - Nice dumper, baby girl. - What the hell did you say? 266 00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,485 Uh-oh. Earl. Earl. 267 00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:50,919 I thought this dude was a lady on account of his girlie butt, and now I'm in danger. 268 00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:54,618 Tough guy, huh? Well, if you mess with Randy here... 269 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,093 I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you. 270 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,398 - [No Audible Dialogue] - [Together] Yeah! 271 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:06,301 So back off. And P.S., your butt wasn't that good anyway. 272 00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:11,571 That's all you gotta do. Pick up the slack on your little-brother duties. 273 00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:14,908 You're right. Help me practice my fake laugh. 274 00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:17,380 Here's what I've got right now. 275 00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,974 [Laughing] 276 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,918 No, no. God, no. No. No, no, no. 277 00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:27,186 You gotta start with surprise and then let it chuckle itself out. 278 00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:31,286 Oh! [Laughing] 279 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,140 Wow. 280 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,143 [Earl Narrating] So while Randy had taught Arlo... 281 00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,406 some lessons about being a brother... 282 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,813 the F.B.I. Were about to teach Joy some lessons about opening her mouth. 283 00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:54,784 So, we're Eskimos now? 284 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,981 Actually, your people prefer to be called Inuits. 285 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,285 Go ahead. Try to out yourself in this place. 286 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,725 I'm sure the caribou would be most intrigued. 287 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:05,797 And, uh, stay warm. 288 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,128 Oh, my God. 289 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:13,363 [Earl Narrating] The F.B.I. Might have been better at playing dirty... 290 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,873 but there was one thing Joy was better at than anyone- 291 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:21,106 knowing how to have an affair and recognizing the clues of an affair when she saw one. 292 00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:25,047 She knew if Luther Vandross was a-rockin; you don't come a-knockin'... 293 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:29,382 and how easy it is to lose an earring when your own knee keeps banging against it... 294 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,479 and how your necktie can get a little crooked... 295 00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:34,491 when you use it to tie a woman to a bedpost. 296 00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:38,188 You and Agent Scully have been boning. Talk about the X Files. 297 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:41,027 More like triple-X Files. Ka-blam! 298 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,364 Are we gonna figure out a new place for me to live... 299 00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,735 or do we need to involve supervisors and spouses? 300 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,401 Are you thinking of something in split-level or ranch style? 301 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,308 [Earl Narrating] Andjust like that... 302 00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,644 Joy had blackmailed the F.B.I. Into making her dreams come true. 303 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,844 Palm trees. Real grass. 304 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,150 And you can't hear the sizzle of power lines. 305 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,353 Goldie Crystal is finally home. 306 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:11,395 Things were falling into place forJoy and her family... 307 00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,829 but things were falling apart back at the trailer park. 308 00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:17,163 It wasn't Randy. He knows he can't play with matches unless I'm home. 309 00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,237 Well, then who was it then? 310 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,602 - Zeke, l- - l-I did it. It was me. 311 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,868 But you said you weren't jealous anymore. 312 00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:28,106 I'm not jealous. I'm just sick of having to hang around with this loser... 313 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:32,547 B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass from the state of Doucheachusetts. 314 00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:34,983 - Yeah, that's not even a state. - Shut up! 315 00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,555 This is your chance. Be the little brother that needs protecting. 316 00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:42,593 What are you gonna do, cry or run home and smell your own B.O.? 317 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,924 Hey, come on. Leave me alone. 318 00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:46,930 - No. - Leave me alone! 319 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:49,193 - No! - Leave him alone! 320 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:53,829 Leave my brother alone. You're the one who's acting like you're from Doucheachusetts. 321 00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:57,397 Oh, yeah? Well, you're acting like the mayor of Assylvania. 322 00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,603 You're gonna stick up for him after he burned my shirts? 323 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,646 Wh-What about your precious list? 324 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,445 If I have to choose between a list and my brother, my brother's gonna win every time. 325 00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:10,352 Yeah? Well, if I gotta choose between a friend and my brother... 326 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,424 then my brother's gonna win every time. 327 00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:13,957 Come on, Arlo! 328 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,625 [Earl Narrating] I actually didn't mind seeing Zeke leave me for Arlo... 329 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,255 'cause I'm the one that pushed 'em together. 330 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,334 You know, next time we should bring Randy and Arlo. 331 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,835 I wanna see them take a shot at "Endless Love." 332 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,669 Yeah, I don't know. Arlo and I don't really hang out that much. 333 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,743 We just don't click like you and Randy. 334 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,541 You guys are like Venus and Serena Williams. You know? 335 00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,343 No. I know one of those is a planet... 336 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,248 but I don't know who that other dude is. 337 00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:43,548 Anyway, two brothers clicking doesn't just happen. 338 00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:47,887 If you want a good little brother, you gotta be a good big brother. 339 00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:50,757 [Earl Narrating] I explained to Zeke that little brothers likejokes... 340 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:55,095 so I make sure I always have lots of good ones to tell Randy. 341 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,466 Hey, Randy, what happens when two snails get into a fight? 342 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,630 They slug it out. 343 00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:05,176 [Laughing] 344 00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,973 [Earl Narrating] You also need to make little brothers feel important. 345 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,311 Act like you need their help with stuff. 346 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,720 And you should always protect your little brother... 347 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,017 when he gets into dangerous situations. 348 00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:21,285 - [Smacks] - Nice dumper, baby girl. 349 00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:24,829 - What the hell did you say? - [Earl] Tough guy, huh? 350 00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:28,525 Well, if you mess with Randy here, I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you. 351 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,364 [Whispering] Please don't hurt us. I'm very afraid of you. 352 00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:35,031 I'll give you 20 bucks to leave us alone, 30 if you act a little scared. 353 00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,908 If you do these things, Arlo will change, I promise. 354 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,641 Like a caterpillar into a butterfly. 355 00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,740 Or maybe something less girlie. 356 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:49,685 Like a Transformer car into a Transformer robot. 357 00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:53,588 I like Transformers. So I'm gonna take your advice on this. 358 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,820 I'm just sick of having to hang out with this loser... 359 00:19:56,929 --> 00:20:01,229 B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass from the state of Doucheachusetts. 360 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:04,029 - Yeah, that's not even a state. - Now's your chance. 361 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,572 - Go protect your little brother. - Leave me alone. 362 00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,664 - No. - Leave him alone. Huh? 363 00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,505 [Earl Narrating] So Zeke got all protectorish, and I got all protectorish. 364 00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,704 It was a good show. 365 00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:17,543 Come on, Arlo. 366 00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:19,617 And it all worked out. 367 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,516 [Randy Narrating] And Earl and Zeke never had a clue we'd set 'em up. 368 00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,816 [Sighs] 369 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,984 - Sorry for making you lose your friend again. - That's okay. 370 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:31,892 Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the ones meant to be friends. 371 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,227 Hmm. Maybe you're right. 372 00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:38,133 - [Wind Whistling] - Hey, the lotto's back. 373 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,199 Hmm. 374 00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,709 You know what, buddy? That eyebrow raise is kind of my thing. 375 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,780 That's cool. 376 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,077 Hey, Randy, one time this pirate walks into a bar. 377 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:55,551 He's got the ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. 378 00:20:55,654 --> 00:21:00,353 The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants." 379 00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:03,917 And the pirate nods and says, "Arrr! It's driving me nuts." 380 00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:07,328 [Laughing] 381 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,333 That one was actually funny. [Laughing] 382 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,461 - What do you mean, "actually"? - Huh?