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You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things...
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00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:06,363
and then wonders why his life sucks?
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00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:08,464
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me...
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somethin'bad was waitin'around the corner.
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But then while I was laid up...
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I learned about a thing called karma
from watching Carson Daly.
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So I made a list of all
the rotten things I've done...
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and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for 'em.
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I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
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My name is Earl.
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[Earl Narrating] AfterJoy, Darnell
and the boys were snatched...
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by the Witness Protection Program...
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me and Randy took advantage of the free rent
and moved back to the trailer.
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I think we should've left the plastic.
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You know, so we wouldn't have
to get up to go pee, like Mom
and Dad did with my bed.
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Randy, they put that plastic on because you
peed the bed, not so you could pee the bed.
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Chicken and the egg, Earl.
Chicken and the egg.
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Your mail was finally released
from police evidence...
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but they still haven't
caught that mailbox sniper.
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[Whispering]
It's one of the girls at Club Chubby.
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"Happy Presidents Day.
And congrats again on freeing the slaves."
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[Earl]
It's from our great-aunt Leila.
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Ten years ago,
she started thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln.
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- Now she sends him a gift every Presidents Day.
- Awesome! A lotto ticket!
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Scratchers are fun,
'cause even if you don't win anything...
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you still get to eat
all this silver candy you scratched off.
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I won! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Whoo-hoo!
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I'm rich! I'm rich!
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Whoo-hoo! I'm rich!
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- [Bell Ringing]
- Two hundred and fifty-
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[Groans]
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- [Panting]
- Randy, you okay?
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Karma hit me, Earl, just like you.
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I never should've scratched that ticket.
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I'll be damned.
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[Earl Narrating] While karma was turning
Randy's life upside down...
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the F.B.I. Was doing
the same thing toJoy and Darnell.
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Where the hell are you takin' us?
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Well, thanks to your little stunt
on Estrada or Nada...
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we are now forced
to terminate your identities.
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You're no longer
Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein...
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and we're no longer taking you
to Cincinnati's Little Israel district.
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Thank God. The thought of cooking
my first Passover seder...
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was giving me all kinds of shpilkes.
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- By the way, I'm diggin' the slow jams.
- ## [R&B]
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I'm gettin' chick wood just listenin' to 'em.
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Baby, this is serious business.
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Look, we're sorry for causing you
inconvenience and whatnot...
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but my grateful wife and I
are happy to do or be whatever you say.
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- Right, baby?
- I have told you.
I want my name to be Goldie Crystal.
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I wanna live somewhere
with skyscrapers and cosmopolitans...
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and gay men who are your best friends.
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What is so hard about that?
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Welcome to New York.
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- [Siren In Distance]
- This place is a dump.
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Goldie Crystal wouldn't live here.
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She doesn't. Your new names are
Lorb and Wilma Gruntlebutt.
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It's not that bad.
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[Rumbling]
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- [Rumbling Fades]
- Hey, there's an unexpected perk.
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Whenever the train comes through,
we can lay on the floor and get a free massage.
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- [Train Horn Blows]
- We're gonna be so relaxed.
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[Earl Narrating]
WhileJoy was upset about her new life...
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Randy was excited to start his.
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Here, Randy. Make you feel better.
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I made some space beer. Just don't chug it.
I used the last of the Tang.
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There's no time for space beer.
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I'm watching Carson Daly so he can tell me
what karma wants me to do.
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So this whole thing is crazy
with the celebrity baby pictures.
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Did I do something to a celebrity
or babies or a picture?
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[Daly] The money is gigantic
for the exclusive-
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I've done stuff to pictures, Earl.
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- Bad stuff.
- Okay, this is nuts.
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Not everything Carson Daly says
is a message from karma.
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Or if it is, it's probably
not for you, it's for me.
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Oh, so you own karma?
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Look, Carson Daly's on national television.
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He's talking to hundreds of people, Earl,
and one of'em's me...
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except when I'm being interrupted.
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...controversial comedians working today as well.
Andrew Dice Clay is here.
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- Dice Clay! That's a list item.
- [Audience Cheering]
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I told you karma was talking to me.
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This is where I kept stuff when we lived here.
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For a while, it's where I hid dollar bills...
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until someone found out and started
replacing 'em with little green balls of goo.
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[Scraping, Rattling]
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It's your Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
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The hell?
I thought that guy Zeke stole this.
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[Earl Narrating]
A few years back, when me and Randy...
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first lived in the trailer park and were lookin'
for beer money in our secret hiding place...
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we got some new neighbors-
Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh.
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[Car Doors Close]
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Welcome to our new home, little brother.
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Hi, neighbor. Nice mustache.
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- Are you Burt Reynolds's cousin?
- No.
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You should be.
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[Earl Narrating]
I liked Zeke right from the start.
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And he didn'tjust have
good taste in mustaches.
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He also loved doing crazy things
for free T-shirts...
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like the ones they gave away for drinking
a glass of fryer fat at the Crab Shack.
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[All Chanting]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
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Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
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Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
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- [Cheering]
- Onion ring.
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And pretty soon, me and Zeke
were best friends.
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I just heard they're giving away...
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"I took a punch from Yukon Jack"
T-shirts down at the gas station.
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- I'm in.
- Me too. Wait.
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- Let me getJoy's camera.
- All right. Let's go, buddy.
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I've always wanted a picture
of me getting punched.
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- [Car Engine Starts]
- But you don't usually know
when it's gonna happen.
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Whoo! Whoo whoo!
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[Earl Narrating] I didn't realize it
at the time, but Randy was getting jealous.
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So he came up with a plan
to break up the friendship.
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Aplan that was brilliant, complicated
and elaborate-at least for Randy.
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- [Spitting]
- He knew Zeke chewed tobacco...
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but hejust didn't quite know
how to do it himself.
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- [Gagging]
- And by the next morning, the trap was set.
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[Earl]
What the hell?
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- Randy, wake up.
- Oh, my God. What'd they steal?
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- Someone broke in and stole
my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
- No!
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Look! Somebody spit tobacco everywhere...
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and threw it up
down the front of my shirt.
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You know who's gonna be really upset
about that belt buckle being gone-Zeke.
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He would chew tobacco and stare at that
belt buckle for hours.
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[Earl Narrating]
And that night, I was so mad at Zeke...
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I decided to get back at him by destroying
the memories we made together...
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and burned his favorite shirts.
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Well, now I have to add
Zeke Cavanaugh to my list.
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The worst part is I have no idea
how to spell his name.
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But it was my fault.
You never would've burned those shirts...
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if I hadn't tricked you
by stealing your belt buckle and stuff.
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You know what? We both did him wrong.
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- I think we should put him on both our lists.
- Awesome.
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We both got lists.
We both get to cross the same guy off.
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We both got that
Jay Leno gray patch on our pubes.
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Sometimes it's just
plain good to be a Hickey.
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[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy were
making up to the same guy on our lists...
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and since this was Randy's first time,
I let him take the lead.
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"My name is Randy. His name is Earl.
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We are here to cornflake."
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Uh, it's a cornflake.
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Eventually, Randy explained about our lists...
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and Zeke invited us in.
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Man, I loved those shirts.
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You and me did some cool stuff together
to get those shirts.
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Saw Quiet Riot in concert at the mall.
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Signed up for an America West credit card.
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Sang "I Got You, Babe" at the Crab Shack...
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on Guys Sing Romantic Songs
to Each Other Karaoke Night.
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You know, the worst thing that happened-
it wasn't losing all my shirts.
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It's that we stopped hanging out.
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Oh, my God. That's my real list item.
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I need to get you two
to hang out like you used to.
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You should go win those shirts again...
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and then I'll cross you
off my list and make that face like you do.
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- What do you say, Zeke?
- I'm in.
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I get my cholesterol tested next week...
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00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:49,727
and if I drink a glass of fryer fat,
my doctor will freak.
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Let's see Mr. Harvard
try to figure that one out.
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- How's it going?
- [Door Closes]
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- You wanna see my "scabs that
look like people" collection?
- Hell, yes.
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Too bad. You can't. Which sucks for you
'cause I just picked off a Pam Anderson.
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Well, then I guess I won't be showing you
my mole that looks like Susan Sarandon.
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[Earl Narrating]
While Randy was stuck with Arlo...
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00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:17,017
Joy, Darnell and the boys
were stuck somewhere worse.
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00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:22,750
- Mommy, which side of the sink is the toilet again?
- Left.
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And it didn't help that their place was
directly above a dry cleaner.
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[Hissing]
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Take a break already,
Li Ying! We're dying up here!
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Look, baby,
I know it's hot, but on the bright side...
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my tank top is virtually wrinkle-free and
your pores look fantastic.
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That's it. I can't take it anymore.
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- [Siren Wailing In Distance]
- Listen up, New York!
175
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- What are you doing?
- Playing a hunch.
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00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:53,283
- My real name is Joy Turner!
- Baby, no!
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00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:57,328
My husband is Darnell Turner,
a.k.a. Harry Monroe.
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00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,830
- We're in the Witness-
- [Train Horn Blows]
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00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,762
- Protection.
- [Door Opens]
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00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,837
Damn it. You blew your cover.
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00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,169
- Now we'll have to relocate you again.
- Good.
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00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,243
How'd y'all get here so fast?
183
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,836
- We keep a close eye on things the first week.
- How close?
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00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:17,313
Close enough to know
you're wearing the same thong as yesterday-
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00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,441
just turned inside out.
186
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,386
[Earl Narrating] So me and Zeke
set out to restart our friendship.
187
00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:25,821
- [All] Drink! Drink! Drink!
- And replacing his trophy T-shirts...
188
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,893
turned out to bejust the way to do it.
189
00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:29,985
- Shrimp.
- [Woman] Yeah!
190
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:33,293
And lucky for us,
Yukon Jack was out on parole...
191
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:36,163
and back in the "punching people
for T-shirts"business.
192
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:41,331
We even entered the I Sang a Romantic Duet
With a Dude Challenge at the Crab Shack...
193
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,342
- and I gotta say, we pretty much crushed it.
- # I've had the time of my life #
194
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:49,847
#And I never felt this way before #
195
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:54,613
#Yes, I swear it's the truth #
196
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:58,349
#And I owe it all to you ##
197
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,392
A lumberjack camp? Really?
198
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,396
Remember the accents, eh?
199
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,466
Now, I know you don't like being punished...
200
00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:10,034
but if you think you can play dirty,
the F.B.I. Can play dirtier.
201
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:12,570
Trust me. We should quit while we're ahead.
202
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:17,041
Ahead? We live in a pop-up camper
with four Canadian dudes...
203
00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:19,907
who don't help us with the chores
'cause they're all missing fingers.
204
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,912
I'm sick of cutting their steaks for 'em.
205
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,750
Oh, no. I'm begging you. Don't do this.
206
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,319
Listen up, you human beavers!
207
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:32,152
My black husband's name is not Lars Nordvist!
208
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,520
I know. Mind-blower.
209
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,721
His name is Harry Monroe!
210
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,025
And I'm Joy Turner!
211
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:43,499
- All right. Let's go.
- Oh, thank God.
212
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,708
Which shirt are you gettin' today?
213
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,572
"I climbed the Camden landfill."
214
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,612
It's gonna take a little while
'cause it's 60 feet higher now.
215
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,909
But a lot of that's from
the stair factory that collapsed...
216
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,779
so the last part could be easier.
217
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,749
- Well, have fun.
- [Engine Starts]
218
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,283
[Earl Narrating] That's when Randy realized
me and Zeke were friends again...
219
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,519
and he could finally cross Zeke off his arm.
220
00:12:08,627 --> 00:12:10,527
Well, almost cross him off.
221
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:13,359
What the hell?
Arlo, what'd you do that for?
222
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:17,596
So Zeke will think Earl burned his shirts again
and I can get my brother back.
223
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:21,639
I'm sure that sounded like a good plan
in the beginning. I've had lots of those...
224
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,869
like when I tried to breed
wiener dogs with cats to make wiener cats.
225
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,207
But you don't get long, skinny cats.
226
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:30,476
You get one dead cat and
a dog with lots of scratches.
227
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:35,384
Anyway, what I'm trying
to say is, your plan is worse than that one.
228
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:39,322
Well, I wouldn't even need a bad plan
if it wasn't for you.
229
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,360
You're the one who got
Earl and Zeke back together again...
230
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,953
and now I'm just... alone and miserable.
231
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:49,330
Wait. I get it.
[Chuckles]
232
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,802
Oh, you karma. You got me.
233
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,806
This always happens to Earl.
He handles one problem...
234
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:58,638
only to discover that another problem
is the real list item.
235
00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:04,614
I should've known. The neediest, most
annoying guys are always the real list items.
236
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,742
Karma.
237
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,254
[Earl Narrating] Randy knew that his
list item had gotten more complicated.
238
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,327
Hejust didn't know how to solve it.
239
00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:17,827
Okay, we've both had three beers each.
240
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:20,091
We should be able to finally think now.
241
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:22,167
What could karma want me to do for you?
242
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:25,101
Do you know you have a scar
that looks just like Pamela Anderson?
243
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:27,172
I'm gonna go get my camera.
244
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:31,403
I understand you being jealous.
I used to get jealous too.
245
00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:34,911
It's hard when your brother makes
a new friend and stops spending time with you.
246
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:38,814
To be truthful, Zeke has never spent
that much time with me...
247
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:43,014
except when Mom would lock us in the closet
so she could go out to drink.
248
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:47,024
But I wish we were more like you and Earl.
Earl loves to hang out with you.
249
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:49,526
He didn't always like hanging out with me.
250
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:53,223
It was only four years ago
that we started sleeping in the same bed.
251
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,234
We had to work up to it. I had to become
the best little brother ever.
252
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,702
- I think I'm a pretty good little brother.
- Excuse me.
253
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,672
But you're annoying
and boring and you smell like onions.
254
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,335
Don't get me wrong.
I like onions, but a lot of people don't.
255
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,414
But now at least I know how I can help you.
256
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,949
[Randy Narrating] Big brothers like
to think they're the funny ones...
257
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:16,215
so it's important to laugh
at all theirjokes.
258
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:20,588
Hey, Randy, what happens
when two snails get into a fight?
259
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,519
They slug it out.
260
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,757
[Laughing]
"Slug it out." That's a good one.
261
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,926
[Randy Narrating]
No matter how unfunny they are.
262
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:34,495
And it's important to take care of your
big brother when he doesn't groom himself.
263
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,934
And you need to put yourself in situations...
264
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,102
where your big brother can be the hero.
265
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,408
- Nice dumper, baby girl.
- What the hell did you say?
266
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,485
Uh-oh. Earl. Earl.
267
00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:50,919
I thought this dude was a lady on account
of his girlie butt, and now I'm in danger.
268
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:54,618
Tough guy, huh?
Well, if you mess with Randy here...
269
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,093
I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen to you.
270
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,398
- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Together] Yeah!
271
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:06,301
So back off. And P.S.,
your butt wasn't that good anyway.
272
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:11,571
That's all you gotta do. Pick up the slack
on your little-brother duties.
273
00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:14,908
You're right. Help me practice my fake laugh.
274
00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:17,380
Here's what I've got right now.
275
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,974
[Laughing]
276
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,918
No, no. God, no. No. No, no, no.
277
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:27,186
You gotta start with surprise and then
let it chuckle itself out.
278
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:31,286
Oh!
[Laughing]
279
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,140
Wow.
280
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,143
[Earl Narrating]
So while Randy had taught Arlo...
281
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,406
some lessons about being a brother...
282
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,813
the F.B.I. Were about to teach Joy
some lessons about opening her mouth.
283
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:54,784
So, we're Eskimos now?
284
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,981
Actually, your people
prefer to be called Inuits.
285
00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,285
Go ahead. Try to out yourself in this place.
286
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,725
I'm sure the caribou would be most intrigued.
287
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:05,797
And, uh, stay warm.
288
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,128
Oh, my God.
289
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:13,363
[Earl Narrating] The F.B.I. Might have
been better at playing dirty...
290
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,873
but there was one thing
Joy was better at than anyone-
291
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:21,106
knowing how to have an affair
and recognizing the clues of an affair
when she saw one.
292
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:25,047
She knew if Luther Vandross was a-rockin;
you don't come a-knockin'...
293
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:29,382
and how easy it is to lose an earring
when your own knee keeps banging against it...
294
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,479
and how your necktie
can get a little crooked...
295
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:34,491
when you use it to tie a woman to a bedpost.
296
00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:38,188
You and Agent Scully have been boning.
Talk about the X Files.
297
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:41,027
More like triple-X Files. Ka-blam!
298
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,364
Are we gonna figure out
a new place for me to live...
299
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,735
or do we need to involve
supervisors and spouses?
300
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,401
Are you thinking
of something in split-level or ranch style?
301
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,308
[Earl Narrating]
Andjust like that...
302
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,644
Joy had blackmailed the F.B.I.
Into making her dreams come true.
303
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,844
Palm trees. Real grass.
304
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,150
And you can't hear the sizzle of power lines.
305
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,353
Goldie Crystal is finally home.
306
00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:11,395
Things were falling into place
forJoy and her family...
307
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,829
but things were falling apart
back at the trailer park.
308
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:17,163
It wasn't Randy. He knows he can't play
with matches unless I'm home.
309
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,237
Well, then who was it then?
310
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,602
- Zeke, l-
- l-I did it. It was me.
311
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,868
But you said you weren't jealous anymore.
312
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:28,106
I'm not jealous. I'm just sick
of having to hang around with this loser...
313
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:32,547
B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Doucheachusetts.
314
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:34,983
- Yeah, that's not even a state.
- Shut up!
315
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,555
This is your chance. Be the little brother
that needs protecting.
316
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:42,593
What are you gonna do,
cry or run home and smell your own B.O.?
317
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,924
Hey, come on. Leave me alone.
318
00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:46,930
- No.
- Leave me alone!
319
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:49,193
- No!
- Leave him alone!
320
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:53,829
Leave my brother alone. You're the one who's
acting like you're from Doucheachusetts.
321
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:57,397
Oh, yeah? Well, you're acting like
the mayor of Assylvania.
322
00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,603
You're gonna stick up for him
after he burned my shirts?
323
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,646
Wh-What about your precious list?
324
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,445
If I have to choose between a list and my
brother, my brother's gonna win every time.
325
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:10,352
Yeah? Well, if I gotta
choose between a friend and my brother...
326
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,424
then my brother's gonna win every time.
327
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:13,957
Come on, Arlo!
328
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,625
[Earl Narrating] I actually didn't mind
seeing Zeke leave me for Arlo...
329
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,255
'cause I'm the one that pushed 'em together.
330
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,334
You know, next time we should
bring Randy and Arlo.
331
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,835
I wanna see them take a shot
at "Endless Love."
332
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,669
Yeah, I don't know.
Arlo and I don't really hang out that much.
333
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,743
We just don't click like you and Randy.
334
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,541
You guys are like
Venus and Serena Williams. You know?
335
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,343
No. I know one of those is a planet...
336
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,248
but I don't know who that other dude is.
337
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:43,548
Anyway,
two brothers clicking doesn't just happen.
338
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:47,887
If you want a good little brother,
you gotta be a good big brother.
339
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:50,757
[Earl Narrating] I explained to Zeke
that little brothers likejokes...
340
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:55,095
so I make sure I always have lots
of good ones to tell Randy.
341
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,466
Hey, Randy, what happens
when two snails get into a fight?
342
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,630
They slug it out.
343
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:05,176
[Laughing]
344
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,973
[Earl Narrating] You also need to make
little brothers feel important.
345
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,311
Act like you need their help with stuff.
346
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,720
And you should always
protect your little brother...
347
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,017
when he gets into dangerous situations.
348
00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:21,285
- [Smacks]
- Nice dumper, baby girl.
349
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:24,829
- What the hell did you say?
- [Earl] Tough guy, huh?
350
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:28,525
Well, if you mess with Randy here,
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.
351
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,364
[Whispering] Please don't hurt us.
I'm very afraid of you.
352
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:35,031
I'll give you 20 bucks to leave us alone, 30
if you act a little scared.
353
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:40,908
If you do these things,
Arlo will change, I promise.
354
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,641
Like a caterpillar into a butterfly.
355
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,740
Or maybe something less girlie.
356
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:49,685
Like a Transformer car
into a Transformer robot.
357
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:53,588
I like Transformers.
So I'm gonna take your advice on this.
358
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,820
I'm just sick of having
to hang out with this loser...
359
00:19:56,929 --> 00:20:01,229
B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Doucheachusetts.
360
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:04,029
- Yeah, that's not even a state.
- Now's your chance.
361
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,572
- Go protect your little brother.
- Leave me alone.
362
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,664
- No.
- Leave him alone. Huh?
363
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,505
[Earl Narrating] So Zeke got all protectorish,
and I got all protectorish.
364
00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,704
It was a good show.
365
00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:17,543
Come on, Arlo.
366
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:19,617
And it all worked out.
367
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,516
[Randy Narrating] And Earl and Zeke
never had a clue we'd set 'em up.
368
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,816
[Sighs]
369
00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,984
- Sorry for making you lose your friend again.
- That's okay.
370
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:31,892
Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the ones
meant to be friends.
371
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,227
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
372
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:38,133
- [Wind Whistling]
- Hey, the lotto's back.
373
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,199
Hmm.
374
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,709
You know what, buddy?
That eyebrow raise is kind of my thing.
375
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,780
That's cool.
376
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,077
Hey, Randy, one time
this pirate walks into a bar.
377
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:55,551
He's got the ship's steering wheel attached
to the crotch of his pants.
378
00:20:55,654 --> 00:21:00,353
The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, you got
a steering wheel coming out of your pants."
379
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:03,917
And the pirate nods and says, "Arrr!
It's driving me nuts."
380
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:07,328
[Laughing]
381
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,333
That one was actually funny.
[Laughing]
382
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,461
- What do you mean, "actually"?
- Huh?