1
00:00:01,801 --> 00:00:04,429
[Man On TV]
Emergency personnel would like to reiterate...
2
00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:07,563
that the mud slide in question
is a natural disaster...
3
00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:10,700
not a giant alcoholic beverage.
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:14,837
They ask that citizens please
stop driving toward it.
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:19,578
And in lighter news, it's time to turn
our spotlight on a local loony.
6
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:23,520
- Let's meetJoy Turner,
Camden's Loser of the Week.
- [Donkey Braying]
7
00:00:23,623 --> 00:00:26,990
[Earl Narrating] There was a reason whyJoy
was on the Camden Loser of the Week segment...
8
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,993
and it was all my fault.
9
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:32,724
It started a few years back, when Joy was
making an audition tape for Fear Factor.
10
00:00:32,832 --> 00:00:36,324
- Ow. Ow.
- Unfortunately, I was responsible
for sending the tape in...
11
00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:39,269
and, well, it didn't quite make it there.
12
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,006
- [Laughing]
- So I got her another shot...
13
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:47,944
at being famous on a game show where
people could challenge Erik Estrada to anything.
14
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,540
But instead ofbecoming famous,
she looked like a psycho.
15
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:56,452
And even worse, I wound up blowing Darnell's
cover in the Witness Protection Program...
16
00:00:56,556 --> 00:01:00,356
which meant the whole family had to pack,
except for one member.
17
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,827
Now, as you all know from the flyers I put up,
Mr. Turtle remains lost.
18
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,889
The good news is, I gave him plenty of
survival training, so I expect his imminent return.
19
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:12,404
So here's his food, his favorite scarf
and his lip balm for the dry season.
20
00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:14,735
[Earl Narrating]
Next thing we knew...
21
00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:17,309
the government snaps
Joy, Darnell and the boys away.
22
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,640
[Both Screaming]
23
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:23,147
And even though me and Randy were woozy
from the needles stuck in our necks...
24
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,274
I still knew what I had to do.
25
00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:27,819
I promised Joy I'd make
her dream come true.
26
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,821
We gotta find 'em.
27
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,823
[Earl Narrating]
Which wasn't gonna be easy...
28
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,416
'cause the Turner family was already
in a witness relocation facility.
29
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:37,394
I know it's small,
but it was good enough for Tupac.
30
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:40,728
Uh, you didn't hear that.
31
00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:46,964
My name is Earl.
32
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:53,904
[Earl Narrating]Joy, Darnell and the kids
were waiting to start their new lives.
33
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:55,810
We have been locked in here for hours...
34
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:57,883
no idea where we are or what happens next...
35
00:01:57,984 --> 00:01:59,713
and I still don't even know what you did...
36
00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,912
to get in the Witness Protection Program
in the first place.
37
00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:04,046
Nobody does, except for Mr. Turtle...
38
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,057
and it's not like he's telling anybody.
39
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,184
For one, because he's lost. And for two-
40
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,491
- Well, you know. He's a turtle.
- [Door Opens]
41
00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:14,192
Mr. And Mrs. Turner.
Sorry to keep you waiting so long.
42
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:18,464
Inside this packet you'll find
your new family identity.
43
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,766
I'll give you a little time
to look it over.
44
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,933
[Door Closes]
45
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:26,443
- The Rosensteins?
- I do speak Hebrew.
46
00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:28,810
We're from Columbus. We bowl.
47
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:32,009
Other hobbies include designing
clothes for our pet collie.
48
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:34,313
Darnell, we gotta get somethin'
better than this.
49
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:36,320
Joy, we're trailer park underachievers...
50
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,322
with two hyperactive, prediabetic kids.
51
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:40,221
How is this not better?
52
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,226
[Earl Narrating]
Since we didn't know where else to start...
53
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,853
we combed the trailer park,
looking for any clue we could find.
54
00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:47,398
Then one walked right by us.
55
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:52,131
- Hey, Willie.
- Hey, Earl.
56
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:54,832
Sorry I didn't see you over there.
You're on my bad side.
57
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,377
Bad side? No way.
The side with the eye patch kicks ass.
58
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:00,378
Any mail for the Turners?
59
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,381
Nah. They must've moved,
because all their mail is being forwarded.
60
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,917
- Any idea where their mail's going?
- Don't know.
61
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,816
Just know it's being forwarded.
62
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,821
[Earl Narrating]
That got me thinking.
63
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,915
LfJoy and Darnell's mail was finding 'em,
I could too.
64
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:16,757
[Randy] You know, you spend years
hoping for an excuse...
65
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,763
to mail yourself somewhere
in a cool wooden crate.
66
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:22,096
But when you actually get in the crate,
it's not so glamorous.
67
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,569
All this complaining,
and you guys are in a first-class box.
68
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:28,573
Americans are so spoiled.
69
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,040
[Earl Narrating]
While me and Randy were trying to get toJoy...
70
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,112
Joy was trying to get
to the life she wanted.
71
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,705
- So you're not happy with
the name you've been given?
- That's right.
72
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:39,341
You'd like your name to be Goldie Crystal?
73
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:41,352
Well, my full name would be Goldilocks.
74
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,752
And it's pronounced "Cristal,"
like what Diddy drinks.
75
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:47,622
I'm sorry. New identities are worked out
in a top secret wing of the Pentagon.
76
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:51,629
The names are the result of some
very complicated mathematical algorithms.
77
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,894
Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein?
Look at this face.
78
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:57,401
Do I look like a Phyllis to you? No.
79
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,471
I look like the woman
Marty leaves Phyllis for.
80
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:03,099
I'm just trying to help.
They don't have this in Columbus.
81
00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:06,372
I gotta be from someplace classy,
like Panama City Beach, Florida.
82
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:09,915
And one more thing.
A lady like me don't make clothes for dogs.
83
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:13,042
Only thing I ever sewed was
my stab wound on prom night.
84
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:16,121
With all due respect, Mrs. Rosenstein...
85
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:18,213
uh, things don't work that way.
86
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:22,124
This is who you are now.
Give it some time. You'll get used to it.
87
00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:27,291
Not now.
88
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,332
He wouldn't let me change
one mouse-fartin' thing.
89
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:36,238
I guess I'm really gonna be Phyllis Rosenstein
for the rest of my life.
90
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,902
It's just a name.
We're still the same people.
91
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,776
Except we'reJewish now, and they're
considering changing my blood type.
92
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,781
O positive.
93
00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:47,375
Mommy, did you get our new names changed?
94
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:51,423
Ira, Lenny, I did all I could.
95
00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:53,458
[Randy]
This is exciting.
96
00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:55,584
Yeah, it kinda is, Randy.
97
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,459
We haven't taken a trip
together in a long time.
98
00:04:58,564 --> 00:05:00,964
That's if you don't count
my dreams every night...
99
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,558
where we visit all
the great places in the world.
100
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:07,037
Last night we were on a safari.
You made love to a hippo.
101
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,040
- You always make love in my dreams.
- [Brakes Squealing]
102
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,610
- Huh.
- [Door Opens]
103
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:13,338
Shh. Someone's comin'.
104
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,014
Hey, Catalina!
105
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,516
If that's you in there,
have a good vacation.
106
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,922
[Earl Narrating]
We were on our way to get toJoy and Darnell...
107
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,958
and we weren't the only ones
looking for 'em.
108
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:34,830
While we were heading out
to find the Turners...
109
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:37,630
the Turners were turning
into the Rosensteins.
110
00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:40,228
Dag. I can't believe
it took me into my 30s...
111
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,535
to find out I look this good in tweed.
112
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,611
- [Together] Shalom, Dad.
- Shalom, boys.
113
00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:48,408
Baby, come out. Let's see who Marty
gets to cuddle with tonight.
114
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:56,053
Oh, man.
115
00:05:56,155 --> 00:06:00,023
Perfect. No one will pay any attention
to you, especially men.
116
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:03,186
I know. How could you do this to me?
117
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:06,561
It's like you took an episode of that show
The Swan and ran it backwards.
118
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:10,864
- Oh, my God. I'm a "before."
- Baby, we all gotta sacrifice.
119
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:14,565
In a few days, they're gonna surgically
take my hair off and graft it to my face.
120
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:16,904
It's a new process.
We're very proud of it.
121
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:19,910
Here's a picture of what he'll look like.
122
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:22,003
Oh, God!
123
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:26,017
And we plan on you gaining 30 pounds.
Double-stuff tater skins?
124
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,519
You're trying to turn me into a fatty.
125
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,521
You're trying to mess with this?
126
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,114
Oh, hell, no.
Hell, no!
127
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,525
- Hell, no.
- Where is she going?
128
00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:39,723
Does she know we're in a bunker
half a mile under the Mall of America?
129
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,900
Baby, you in here?
130
00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:46,369
[Sniffing]
131
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,736
- It's hard to track her
when she's not chewing gum.
- [Sighs]
132
00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:51,469
I usually just follow the scent
of strawberry-kiwi Hubba Bubba.
133
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:55,445
Listen, you gotta get her under control.
She's a risk, Harry.
134
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,948
That's why you were advised to leave Camden
when you had the chance...
135
00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,984
so you wouldn't get mixed up
with people like her.
136
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,054
That's my wife you're talking about.
137
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,214
You were only supposed to be...
in Camden for six months.
138
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,985
Now, if you'd taken that job
we had for you in Tokyo...
139
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,960
you would've been the one who invented
Dance Dance Revolution.
140
00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:12,394
But you wanted to waste
your life in a trailer park.
141
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:15,956
That wasn't a waste.
That was the best decision of my life!
142
00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:19,937
You could've left Camden?
143
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,342
They wanted you to leave Camden...
144
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,777
and go off to the glamorous beaches ofTokyo,
and you didn't do it?
145
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,348
I couldn't leave my baby.
146
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:34,910
I love you, Marty Rosenstein.
147
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:41,255
I'll hold up my end of the deal,
no matter how much it hurts.
148
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,694
I hear you. They're gonna snip off
the tip of my penis tomorrow.
149
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,766
[Earl Narrating]
Being in that box was fun at first.
150
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:51,997
But six hours and three truck changes later,
the fun was wearing off.
151
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,004
This is horrible.
152
00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:57,837
I'm starving, and I already ate
the emergency jerky I keep in my cheek.
153
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,844
All right, look.
154
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,073
I was gonna save this for later, but-
155
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,843
I caught a cricket.
156
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:08,318
- You wanna split it?
- Yes, please.
157
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,322
- What do you want, breast or thigh?
- Breast.
158
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:21,962
Ew! This must be a female one.
I taste a little milk.
159
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:25,003
I gotta taste something else
to make the flavor go away.
160
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:26,799
You're not licking me.
161
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:33,878
- [Electricity Crackling]
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
162
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:36,642
Oh, my God.
163
00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:38,842
Randy, don't you see what's happening?
164
00:08:38,951 --> 00:08:41,010
Getting shocked, eating bugs-
165
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,453
These are things Joy did
on her Fear Factor tape.
166
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,718
Karma's punishing us
for ruining her dream.
167
00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:49,989
- [Thud]
- We're stopping.
168
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,000
- I think we're here.
- What do we do now?
169
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,160
Wait for 'em to open us.
170
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,329
[Earl Narrating]
Knowing all Darnell sacrificed for...
171
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,565
Joy decided to be the best
Phyllis Rosenstein ever.
172
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:04,837
Okay. We're gonna start
with the grocery store.
173
00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:07,003
- [Beeps]
- [Woman On P.A.] Price check on produce.
174
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:11,607
Excuse me, miss. You look so familiar.
Do I know you from somewhere?
175
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,686
I don't know.
See if any of this rings a bell.
176
00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:18,052
I was raised in Columbus, Ohio,
but I was born in Sandusky.
177
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:21,684
I was bat mitzvahed at Temple Beth Torah.
Ooh, what a party.
178
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:25,025
Had my first dance
with Shmulkey Bernstein.
179
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:27,531
He grabbed my tokus.
180
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:30,363
- [Beeps]
- [Earl Narrating]
She memorized everything about Phyllis.
181
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:32,369
I've been designing for eight years.
182
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:35,167
My company is called
"Collie Want a Cracker."
183
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:38,801
I have to say my signature piece
is the Puppy Peacoat.
184
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,072
- [Beeps]
- [Earl Narrating]
She even learned to speak Jewish.
185
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:44,638
[Speaking Hebrew]
186
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:59,596
#Undercover
Undercover of the night ##
187
00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:04,466
That cricket breast
isn't settling very well in my stomach.
188
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,731
[Gagging]
189
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:10,172
Oh, no. Joy threw up,
so karma's gonna make you throw up too.
190
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,439
Don't worry, Earl. I'm not gonna throw-
[Retching]
191
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:17,004
Damn it, Randy! Now I'm gonna throw-
[Retching]
192
00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:24,690
What the hell?
193
00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:33,331
- [Owl Hooting]
- Of course we're in a Dumpster.
194
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:36,230
We covered Joy in garbage
on her audition tape.
195
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:39,099
Whoa. This one's to Peter DickJohnson...
196
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,332
that guy who used to live
in the trailer park.
197
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,806
Remember how much we used
to make fun of his name?
198
00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:45,968
Those were some fun times.
199
00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,273
I heard he jumped in front of a train.
200
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,906
All this stuff has been stamped "forward."
201
00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:54,783
Must be mail for people who moved.
The post office isn't forwarding it.
202
00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:59,984
Oh, man. And there's so many letters
in here for Santa Claus and God.
203
00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:03,255
They're gonna be pissed when they find out
they didn't get their mail...
204
00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:05,990
and those are two guys
you do not want to piss off.
205
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:09,158
I can't believe karma would put us through
all this just to punish us.
206
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,463
L-I mean the bugs and-and the box...
207
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:13,697
and the throw up and all for nothin'?
208
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,206
What the hell's goin' on?
209
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:32,489
Son of a bitch.
It's a letter from Estrada or Nada.
210
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:39,228
Joy could get another chance
to be on the show. Listen to this.
211
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:41,526
"Send in this application...
212
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,603
"a check for $50 made out
to Erik Estrada...
213
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,832
and get your friends to text message
their vote for you."
214
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,875
That's it, Randy.
That's why karma brought us here.
215
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:52,876
If we can getJoy on that show again...
216
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,344
she'll come back from anywhere
in the world to be on it.
217
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,348
That's great, Earl.
218
00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,613
But where are we gonna find a check
that's already made out to Erik Estrada?
219
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,120
[Earl Narrating]
In order to get toJoy, we started atJasper's.
220
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,282
Hey, somebody left a tooth
in this retainer.
221
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,759
Yeah, it's a nice tooth.
You know, it's nicer than yours.
222
00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:13,025
You know, if you pulled out your front tooth,
that thing would fit perfect.
223
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:16,568
- Good idea.
- I'll take these.
224
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,603
Why the hell you need
all my cell phones, Earl?
225
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:22,196
For text votin'. One of the Camden
contestants on Estrada or Nada...
226
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:24,640
had some bad mayonnaise
and died for three minutes.
227
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,440
He's alive now,
but in no shape to compete.
228
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,140
Now they're havin' a contest
to see who's gonna replace him.
229
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,151
Man, that's messed up.
Your one shot at fame- undone by a condiment.
230
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,849
[Chuckles]
I feel smarter already.
231
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:41,256
I'll be right back. My money's in the car.
232
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:46,624
Oh, buddy.
233
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,132
[Earl Narrating]
I passed out the cell phones to everyone I knew...
234
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,829
and asked them to text their vote
forJoy to get a chance...
235
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,928
to compete against Erik Estrada.
236
00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:55,939
Sure, I'll text forJoy.
237
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,067
Maybe if she comes out of hiding,
the bad guys'll kill her.
238
00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:01,339
[Earl Narrating]
Everybody spent the next two days texting votes...
239
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:05,577
- and crank calling each other.
- [Phone Ringing]
240
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:07,675
By the time they were ready
to announce the winner...
241
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,812
we had the whole Crab Shack
rooting forJoy.
242
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:12,117
Now it's time for the results
of the text-in votes...
243
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:15,091
to see who will replace the victim
of the mayonnaise tragedy...
244
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,924
go head-to-head with me
and find out if they're-
245
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:20,294
[Grunts]
246
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,924
Estrada or Nada.
247
00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:25,367
And the winner is...
248
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,029
Joy Turner.
249
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,039
[Cheering]
250
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,473
[Earl Narrating]
And we weren't the only ones watching.
251
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,977
Joy Turner.
252
00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:39,711
Did you hear that? America has spoken,
and they've spoken for me.
253
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,845
Baby, I feel terrible.
All I ever wanted to do is make you happy...
254
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:46,789
and now I'm keeping you from your chance
to be famous and possibly be in Parade magazine.
255
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:49,156
Are you kiddin' me?
256
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:51,491
I'd rather be Phyllis Rosenstein...
257
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:54,259
keep wearing these granny panties
and have my family...
258
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:57,164
than whup Erik Estrada
and have nobody to share it with.
259
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:59,999
Besides, we ain't allowed
to work today anyway.
260
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:03,006
- It's Shabbas.
- [Door Opens]
261
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,009
Marty, time to change
your blood type. Let's go.
262
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:07,806
Okay.
263
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,748
I love you, baby.
264
00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:14,843
- [Groans]
- [Body Thuds]
265
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:16,581
[Joy]
What the hell?
266
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,316
[Gasps]
Darnell!
267
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:21,052
You got the rest of your life
to be Phyllis Rosenstein.
268
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,025
You deserve one more chance
to beJoy Turner.
269
00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:26,495
Time to find out if you're
Estrada or Nada.
270
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,066
Woo-hoo!
271
00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:36,571
Where the hell is Joy?
Maybe she didn't see the commercial.
272
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:40,577
Maybe she's here, but we don't know it
because they changed her identity.
273
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:44,706
She could be anyone.
She could be a Chinese dude.
274
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:47,081
She could be that Chinese dude.
275
00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:49,746
Joy. Joy! Joy!
276
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:52,016
Joy! Joy!
277
00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:57,253
Joy!
It's not her.
278
00:14:57,363 --> 00:15:00,298
- I'm out of ideas.
- [Sighs]
279
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,391
[Earl Narrating] I was starting to think
this whole thing was a waste of time.
280
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:06,164
But at least I wasn't onstage
getting humiliated.
281
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,467
Alas, poor Yorick.
282
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,235
I knew him, Horatio.
283
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:15,405
A man of infinite jest
and excellent fancy.
284
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,282
[Audience]
Estrada!
285
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:22,252
To be or nada to be!
286
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,322
[Woman]
Yeah!
287
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,893
Coming up next was supposed
to be Camden's Joy Turner...
288
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:33,260
going head-to-head against Erik Estrada...
289
00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:36,129
to see who has the better
circus variety act.
290
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:39,636
But unfortunately,
it looks likeJoy is a no-show.
291
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:41,672
- [Audience] Aw.
- So I guess that means that Erik-
292
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,642
Does this look like a no-show to you?
Erik Estrada, your ass is mine!
293
00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:48,235
- [Audience Cheering]
- Whoa. It is on now, people.
294
00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:50,838
- It is on!
- Yeah!
295
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,918
[Earl Narrating]
And it was on.
296
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:55,111
Joy did a weird, stretchy-singy thing.
297
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:58,815
#You got to know
when to hold 'em #
298
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,154
- [Clapping]
- # Know when to fold 'em #
299
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:06,095
#Know when to hop away
Know when to run ##
300
00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:09,167
[Earl Narrating] But Erik Estrada matched
Joy's amazing musical circus stunt...
301
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:13,364
- with one ofhis own.
- ## ["Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
302
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,440
- [Groans]
- [Audience] Ooh!
303
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:18,669
- ## [Continues]
- [Cheering]
304
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,849
[Earl Narrating] They were both so good,
thejudges decided it would have to go into a-
305
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:29,944
Tiebreaker!
306
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,023
- ## [Latin]
- [Cheering, Applause]
307
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:37,494
[Earl Narrating]
Joy got to pick the first tiebreaker...
308
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:42,363
so she chose the body part
she used to win every fight-her mouth.
309
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:44,436
[Cheering, Applause]
310
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:48,104
But to her surprise,
Erik Estrada's nickname...
311
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,074
wasn't "Hot Tongue"just
'cause he was a good kisser.
312
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,706
- [Audience Murmuring]
- And when breathing fire didn't break the tie...
313
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:58,214
Erik Estrada chose his secret weapon-
314
00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:01,047
playing music on wine glasses.
315
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,954
But it turns outJoy was just as good.
316
00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:07,548
- [Man] Let's go, Joy!
- They're going again!
317
00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:10,492
- [Cheering, Applause]
- ## [Latin]
318
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,394
[Earl Narrating] And that's when Joy
came up with the one thing she knew...
319
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:16,730
no one else could beat her at-
a combination of all her new skills.
320
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:19,269
She called it "Dressing a dog
while talking Hebrew...
321
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,839
with a follow-up
trivia question about Ohio. "
322
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:25,603
[Hebrew]
323
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,703
[Cheering, Applause]
324
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:34,081
[Hebrew]
325
00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:35,744
[Audience]
Ooh.
326
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:41,417
Okay, here we go with our trivia question
about the great state of Ohio.
327
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:46,863
"Everyone knows that East 105th Street
and Euclid Avenue in Cleveland...
328
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:51,925
"was the location of the first pedestrian button
for the control of a traffic light.
329
00:17:52,037 --> 00:17:56,701
"Name the boy chosen for
the 1948 newsreel...
330
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,243
to demonstrate its operation."
331
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:02,541
## [Latin]
332
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,323
- [Bell Dings]
- ## [Ends]
333
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:16,326
Okay, time's up.
Your answers, please.
334
00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:23,433
The correct answer is Louis Spronze-
335
00:18:23,535 --> 00:18:26,732
L-O-U-l-S.
336
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,899
Oh, my God. I can't believe this.
Joy is right.
337
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:32,135
The great one has fallen.
338
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:34,610
[Gasping]
339
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:38,910
[Male Announcer]
Joy Turner!
340
00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:41,747
Yeah! Yeah!
341
00:18:45,724 --> 00:18:48,215
Congratulations, Joy Turner.
342
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:51,524
I gotta tell you,
you remind me of a young me-
343
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,791
full of drive and passion...
344
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:56,390
and an esoteric knowledge of Ohio.
345
00:18:56,502 --> 00:19:00,131
Get ready, Joy Turner.
You're about to be famous.
346
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,605
- ## [Latin]
- [Cheering]
347
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,682
## [Ends]
348
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:15,685
You made this happen, didn't you?
349
00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:20,884
I knew you weren't a nada, and I wanted
to make sure everybody else knew it too.
350
00:19:32,804 --> 00:19:36,171
Joy, we better go. Soon thousands of agents
will be swarming down on us.
351
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:38,436
And while that's cool
when you see it in a movie...
352
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:41,536
it's not so cool when you're the one
being swarmed upon.
353
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,514
Well, I guess this is it.
354
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:47,585
I know I might've divorced you...
355
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,813
and kicked you out of your own house...
356
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,551
and tried to kill you multiple times...
357
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:56,522
but it all came out of love.
358
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:59,256
I know, Joy.
359
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,889
I'm gonna miss you guys.
360
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,900
We've had a good run, Randy.
361
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,596
Some of the stuff you've said
will stay with me forever.
362
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,605
Like, "What if dogs had legs
like shrimps?"
363
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:11,005
- "Shrogs."
- Or "drimps."
364
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:12,940
- "Shrogs."
- Or "drimps."
365
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,707
- "Shrogs!"
- Let's not do this again.
366
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:18,214
- Good-bye, Randy.
- Bye, Darnell.
367
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:22,781
Earl.
368
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:27,481
Well, good-bye, Earl.
369
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,090
[Earl Narrating]
After everything me and Joy had been through...
370
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:37,600
and after all the things we'd yelled
and screamed at each other over the years...
371
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:41,070
I was surprised to find there was
one thing I couldn't say.
372
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,607
You didn't say good-bye.
373
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:47,942
L-I'll tell 'em next time.