1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,535
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:06,628
[Man On TV, Indistinct]
3
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,041
We have Robert standing by-
4
00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:14,079
Oh, no. Darnell!
5
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,410
[Grunts, Groans]
6
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,416
Hey, baby.
7
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,147
What the hell happened? Looks like
Santa got shot down over Baghdad.
8
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:25,315
I must have dozed off watching C-SPAN.
9
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:28,451
Great. Now I don't know how
the Senate voted on corn subsidies.
10
00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:31,325
I'm gonna look like a idiot
at the Crab Shack tonight.
11
00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,524
I just cleaned up today, Darnell.
12
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,601
Look at this mess.
13
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:41,537
Darnell, whose child is this?
14
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,838
I don't know.
Looks like Al and Marylou's kid.
15
00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,907
Yep. Deaf as a doorknob. That's Oliver.
16
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:53,008
Damn it, Darnell, what'd I tell you about
falling asleep with the front door open?
17
00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:55,053
People gonna use you as a babysitter.
18
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:58,352
Now I gotta check
the whole house for more.
19
00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:06,391
Hey, buddy. Are you hungry?
20
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,798
Do you want some-
21
00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:15,530
Shoot. I can't remember
the sign for Cheese Crunchies.
22
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,634
Yep. There's one in the bathtub
and two in the hamper.
23
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,212
- [TV: Crowd Noise]
- Boring.
24
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:21,940
- [Woman]... with a high of 60 degrees.
- Boring.
25
00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:23,913
- [Boy] He's got it!
- Boring.
26
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,678
- [Man] Just calm down!
- Boring.
27
00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:27,309
- ## [Techno]
- CHiPs. CHiPs!
28
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,320
- CHiPs! CHiPs!
- [Toilet Flushes]
29
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,789
Please be the one with the robot.
Please be the one with the robot.
30
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,428
Randy, this isn't CHiPs.
31
00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:39,964
I don't know what this is.
32
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:43,058
[Announcer] A new game show,
where contestants challenge...
33
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:47,071
the greatest star in the history of television
to any competition imaginable-
34
00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,300
hot dog eating...
35
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,639
fencing...
36
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:53,769
sewing...
37
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,015
violining...
38
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,381
geography-
39
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- [Buzzer]
- To find out if they are-
40
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:05,348
[Audience]
Estrada or Nada.
41
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,359
Earl, I have a new
greatest day of my life.
42
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,919
Randy, we truly live
in the golden age of television.
43
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,931
You think you got a talent?
44
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,967
Well, you can challenge me to anything.
45
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:19,971
- [Announcer] Sushi making.
- Hai.
46
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,473
[Boy]
What is cosine X over E?
47
00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:27,205
Sorry, Sanjay. That's cosine X
over E minus one.
48
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,645
[Announcer]
Mathematics.
49
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,307
Lumberjacking.
50
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,882
You'll be judged by our expert panel-
51
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,653
a Hollywood stuntman,
a former Olympian...
52
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,196
- and a morning zoo deejay.
- [Animal Sounds]
53
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,528
With American Idol's
one-and-done cohost, Brian Dunkleman.
54
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,602
We'll be holding auditions
all over America...
55
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:55,334
- so you can find out if you're-
- Estrada or Nada.
56
00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,535
[Announcer] Camden auditions next Thursday
at the Camden Junior College gymnasium...
57
00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:01,842
off the parkway at Exit 15,
just past the Welding Museum.
58
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,473
Earl- Earl, Earl, Earl-
59
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:07,644
We're going, Randy-
and we're bringing Joy with us.
60
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,484
[Earl Narrating]
I was gonna do list item number 31-
61
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,751
ruined Joy's chance ofbeing on TV.
62
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:16,124
A few years back, Joy wanted
to be on Fear Factor...
63
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:18,129
so she made an audition tape.
64
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,290
Fear is no factor here, Joe Rogan.
65
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,425
#You just ain't seen nothin'yet #
66
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:26,301
#Here's something
Here's something
you're never gonna forget, baby #
67
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:28,306
#You know, you know, you know #
68
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:31,275
- # You just ain't seen nothin'yet #
- [Swallows]
69
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:35,438
- # You need educatin'#
- Fear Factor!
70
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,039
She wanted to show she was
willing to do anything-
71
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,449
- [Electricity Crackling]
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
72
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:45,388
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
73
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,516
Fear Factor!
74
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,187
- Aaah!
- no matter how scary-
75
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:52,696
Get 'em out. Get 'em out.
Get 'em out. Get 'em out.
76
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,029
[Whimpering]
77
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,302
You get it, Randy?
78
00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:00,804
All right, guys.
Time to put you fellas back in the wall.
79
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,307
And to show that
she could look good doing it.
80
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:06,276
#You just ain't
seen n-nothing yet #
81
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,279
#Here's something
Here's something #
82
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,611
- # Here's some lovin'
you'll never forget, baby #
- [Flies Buzzing]
83
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:14,414
#Baby, baby, baby
You ain't seen n-n-nothing yet #
84
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,149
- # You ain't been around ##
- Fear Factor!
85
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:22,524
Unfortunately, later that day me
and Randy stole one of those pull-guns.
86
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:24,790
Pull.
87
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:28,230
[Laughing]
Pull.
88
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,937
Pull.
89
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,864
I told Joy I mailed the tape...
90
00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:39,502
and since it was still pretty early on
in our marriage, she believed me.
91
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:43,912
Randy, we gotta getJoy on that show
to challenge Erik Estrada.
92
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,748
I'm gonna challenge him too
when I think of a talent.
93
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,947
It's not gonna be having
the prettiest smile though...
94
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:52,616
'cause his is unbelievable.
95
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,124
[Earl Narrating]
I wanted to getJoy on Estrada or Nada...
96
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:02,099
so I had to tell her the truth
about the Fear Factor tape.
97
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:05,329
Son of a bitch.
You never sent the tape?
98
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,338
Nope.
99
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,432
But remember, we used that pull-gun
to rob the medical supply place.
100
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,171
You weren't complaining when
you got to sit down in the shower.
101
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,975
That was the day I got
all those rubber gloves.
102
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:18,550
For a week, I could put my hands anywhere.
It was awesome.
103
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,881
So you faked the rejection letter?
I thought it was weird...
104
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,080
thatJoe Rogan said
I came off too bitchy...
105
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:25,623
and that I should be nicer
to my husband and his brother.
106
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:28,319
Anyway, Joy, l-I'm sorry,
and I'm gonna make it up to you.
107
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,056
I'm gonna get you on Estrada or Nada.
108
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,893
I'm not doing it.
109
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,467
Thanks, Earl, but I gave up on that dream.
110
00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:39,026
- What dream?
- The dream of being famous.
111
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,038
[Earl Narrating]
Turns out, Fear Factor...
112
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,233
was one of many
disappointments in Joy's life.
113
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:47,109
Since she was a kid, she had her sights
set on being famous.
114
00:05:47,213 --> 00:05:51,650
Grammy, I'm gonna be special someday.
I'm gonna be famous.
115
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,878
Doubt it.
116
00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:57,012
You come from a long line
of liars, cheats and harelips.
117
00:05:57,123 --> 00:06:01,059
- Huh?
- You're never gonna be famous.
118
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,060
You got failure in your blood.
119
00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:07,292
Your mom is as crooked
as a do-it-yourself haircut...
120
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,300
and your poor, dumb daddy-
121
00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:13,896
He was 14 years old
before he could even wave good-bye.
[Chuckles]
122
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:15,906
Night, night, sugar.
123
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,135
[Coughing]
124
00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:24,915
ButJoy didn't listen to her grandma.
125
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,145
She still had big dreams,
like being a beauty queen.
126
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:31,280
Wait. None of these other girls
were pretty enough...
127
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,883
so I get to be Miss America
for two years in a row?
128
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,894
There's no rule against that?
129
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,396
Oh, there was, and you broke it for me?
130
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:43,026
Oh-And to think
it all started years ago...
131
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,628
when I won Camden's
Prettiest Pretty Princess.
132
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,639
[Earl Narrating]
But she didn't win that title...
133
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,471
because a prettier
prettiest princess came along.
134
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,738
When beauty queen didn't work out...
135
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:58,510
she started to fantasize
about being a famous politician.
136
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:03,078
Wait, you want me to be
the president of America for two years in a row?
137
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,316
Isn't there a law against that?
138
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,656
Oh, there was, and you broke it for me?
139
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:11,889
Oh! Well, I am honored to serve.
140
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,466
And to think it all started
when I won president...
141
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,899
of my sophomore class in high school.
142
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,904
But politics didn't go very well either.
143
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,907
I'm not just going to be
a president for the hotties.
144
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,671
I'm going to be a president
for the people-
145
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:28,474
the fat girls, the nerdy Asians...
146
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,481
you butter-face cheerleaders-
147
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,483
And the closeted gays,
like quarterback Mikey Shipley...
148
00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:34,485
I've got your backs.
149
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,487
Joy for president.
150
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,784
[AudienceJeering]
151
00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,826
[Boy]
Nice pass, Shipley.
152
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:45,022
[Earl Narrating] And years later,
Joy took one more shot at being famous...
153
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,099
by trying to get on Fear Factor.
154
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,100
Oh, my God. I won the award...
155
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:52,933
for being the most unafraid person
on Fear Factor ever?
156
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:57,703
And my reward is I get to dump my
stupid husband and marry Kevin Bacon?
157
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:01,075
Isn't there some kind of law against that?
158
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,080
What?
159
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,310
You changed the laws of marriage for me?
160
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:09,354
And to think this all started
a couple weeks ago...
161
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,652
when I gave myself dysentery
by swallowing that worm.
162
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:16,489
So Fear Factor was really
just the last straw for me.
163
00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:19,258
Well, that means I didn't just
keep you off a TV show.
164
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:22,664
- I killed your childhood dream of being famous.
- You did me a favor.
165
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:25,737
My grammy was right.
There are certain people in the world...
166
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,238
that are destined to be somebody,
and I'm not one of'em.
167
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,241
I'm not an Estrada. I'm a nada.
168
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,504
- Joy, you can't believe that.
- Look.
169
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,603
My grammy may have been a drunk,
racist monster...
170
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:38,343
but she was a good judge of character,
and she didn't see any in me.
171
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,623
We're lucky our grandma
told us we could be anything.
172
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,216
She told you that?
173
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,827
I bet Erik Estrada can't catch
50 pennies on his elbow.
174
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,903
[Clattering]
175
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,906
I'm gonna try 49.
176
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,976
[Earl Narrating]
I had trouble getting to sleep...
177
00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:08,103
notjust 'cause of Randy,
but 'cause I couldn't stop thinking aboutJoy.
178
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:11,650
The thing was, Joy couldn't stop
thinking aboutJoy either.
179
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,685
#Through the mirror of my mind #
180
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:16,084
#Time after time #
181
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,088
[Earl Narrating]
Seemed like everything she did...
182
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,317
she ended up glimpsing herself in a mirror.
183
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:24,590
#Reflections of
the way life used to be #
184
00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,597
#Reflections of#
185
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:30,100
And it made her think of the mirror
she looked into when she was a little girl.
186
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,261
#As I peer through the window #
187
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:34,498
She remembered when
she still used to dream.
188
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,041
#Lookin'over my yesterdays #
189
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:40,510
Oh, my goodness.
You're giving me a Nobel Peace Prize...
190
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,377
for best performance in a reality TV show?
191
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:45,973
[Gasps]
Is there even a prize for that?
192
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,178
#Reflects a love
that used to be ##
193
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:50,585
You made one just for me?
194
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:53,022
Oh. And to think this all started...
195
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:56,652
when I beat the chips out of Erik Estrada.
196
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,561
Earl Hickey, you gonna
get me on that TV show.
197
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,337
## [Continues]
198
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,748
## [Vocalizing]
199
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,999
## [Ends]
200
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,833
He's good. I better go practice.
201
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,407
[Earl Narrating]
The Camden locals brought out their "A"games...
202
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:55,248
to try out for the new
reality show, Estrada or Nada.
203
00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:57,447
Man, I haven't seen
a line this long in Camden...
204
00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:59,820
since the opening day
of the methadone clinic.
205
00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:03,383
That place was a rip-off.
Me and Randy waited in line for two hours...
206
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,954
- and all we got was a cup
of weird-tasting orange juice.
- Really, Earl?
207
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:09,159
You didn't like it?
I thought it was great.
208
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,463
Remember, I went there, like,
every day for a month...
209
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:15,529
and then when you told me
I couldn't go back, I tried to kill you?
210
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:18,735
Man, that was good orange juice.
God, I wish I had some right now.
211
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,744
298.
212
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,905
299.
213
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:26,542
300.
Everyone with numbers, follow me.
214
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:29,644
- Hey, headset. I didn't get a number.
- So don't follow me.
215
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,383
We're only seeing 300 contestants.
216
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,322
Dummy! Maid!
217
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,362
You know how much I care
about you two. Give me your number.
218
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,431
Mm-mmm. Don't look at me.
219
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,057
I've been training for this moment
since I was six.
220
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,035
I can slice an apple in two
from 50 paces...
221
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:47,037
or decapitate a man from 10.
222
00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:49,039
Mr. Estrada's choice.
223
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:52,042
Randy, you gotta help me out.
This is for my list.
224
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:55,511
No way, Earl. I'm wearing a rubber band
so I can hit the high notes.
225
00:11:55,614 --> 00:11:59,846
If I don't go in there, I'm just some weird guy
on line with a rubber band around his danglers.
226
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:02,750
Randy, I'm gonna snap that rubber band
if you don't let me take your number.
227
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:06,552
Come on, Randy. I really need your number.
How about we thumb wrestle for it?
228
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:09,389
No way. You know I inherited
Mom's slow, clumsy thumbs.
229
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,464
Then how about you giveJoy your number,
and the next list item I do...
230
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,624
will be something I make up to you?
231
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,965
Will you do it right now? No waitsies?
232
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,970
Yes, he will. Come on, Darnell.
233
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,870
It's time for me to shine
and rub my dead grammy's face in it.
234
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,034
Hope she gets TV reception in hell.
235
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,921
Got it.
236
00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:41,288
[Earl Narrating]
He picked number 182-
237
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,987
played tetherball with Randy's face.
238
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,998
One.
239
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,364
[Earl Narrating]
For his audition...
240
00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:53,768
lqball had decided
to challenge Erik Estrada at fancy talking.
241
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:58,606
Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio.
242
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,611
A fellow of infinite jest...
243
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:03,238
and most excellent fancy.
244
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,510
[Bell Ringing]
245
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,749
[Earl Narrating]
And win or lose, there was plenty of variety.
246
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,255
Knock, knock.
247
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,849
- Hey, d-
- [Buzzer]
248
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,362
[Earl Narrating]
My favorite audition was the guy...
249
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,900
who played Ponch in some
stage show called Micro Chips.
250
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:26,363
- [Bell Ringing]
- Yeah!
251
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:33,135
Okay, last up is number 300...
252
00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:35,145
Joy Turner.
253
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:37,875
Finally. Dunkleman out!
254
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,180
Hack stole it from me.
255
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,187
Hello.
256
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,229
My name is Joy Turner...
257
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:55,994
A.K.A. The Crustacean Sensation.
258
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:06,308
#You keep saying
you've got something for me #
259
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:09,472
I don't remember her being that
flexible when we were married.
260
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,176
I do. Sorry, buddy.
261
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:15,185
#These claws are made
for walking #
262
00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,154
#And that's just
what they'll do #
263
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,851
# One of these days
these claws are gonna-##
264
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,155
[Buzzer]
265
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:26,663
The hell? Which one of you
sons ofbitches gave me the buzz?
266
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:31,728
I'm pretty sure Erik wouldn't
want to do something like that.
267
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:34,271
It's, frankly, just too silly.
268
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,273
Too silly?
269
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,367
Y'all took a guy that acted out an entire
episode of The Smurfs by himself...
270
00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:41,503
and he didn't even sound like Gargamel.
271
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,845
On this show you're dealing
with an Erik Estrada...
272
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,850
and Erik enjoys being funny.
273
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,853
- He doesn't like being silly.
- Well-
274
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,685
You tell Erik Estrada
that this is what happens...
275
00:14:52,791 --> 00:14:54,759
to men that say no toJoy Turner.
276
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,725
[Groans]
277
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,600
I was afraid of this.
278
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,301
Joy!
279
00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,471
Darnell Turner,
you let me loose right now.
280
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,479
I'm gonna bite off your nose,
Brian Dunkleman.
281
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,481
Then we'll see who looks silly.
282
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,108
[Earl Narrating] We all watched
the show together at the Crab Shack...
283
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,551
just like when there's
a plane crash or chemical spill...
284
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,647
or when someone we know is
involved in a slow-speed chase.
285
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,659
[Joy, Slurred Voice]
I don't wanna watch this crap.
286
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,992
This show is everything that's wrong
with America today.
287
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,396
Change the channel.
Celebrity Rehab is on.
288
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,969
No, keep it on.
I'm hoping they show my audition.
289
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:43,098
I know I didn't split the apple, but a girl
with nice boobies, swinging a machete? Come on.
290
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:45,142
[Announcer]
It's time to find out if you are-
291
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:48,645
[All]
Estrada or Nada.
292
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:52,683
There are "nadas"who are good sports,
and "nadas"who are bad.
293
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,948
And then there's Joy Turner.
294
00:15:56,055 --> 00:16:00,492
You tell Erik Estrada that this is what
happens to men that say no toJoy Turner.
295
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,430
Darnell Turner,
you let me loose right now!
296
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:12,163
I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian
Dunkleman. Then we'll see who looks silly.
297
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:16,963
Hey, Estrada, come to Camden
and face me like a man.
298
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,408
Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Lot "L"-
299
00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:21,479
The one with the bathtub
in the front yard.
300
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:26,411
The small bathtub, not the big one.
301
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:29,180
[All Gasping]
302
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,018
Y'all got a problem with that? Huh?
303
00:16:32,124 --> 00:16:34,524
'Cause I got another big-ass shoe.
304
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:37,390
Anybody? Anybody?
305
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,691
[Cell Phone Ringing]
306
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:45,998
[Ringing Continues]
307
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:48,005
I believe that's for me.
308
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,167
- [Beeps]
- [Gasps]
309
00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,244
I'm gonna need
to step away to take this.
310
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,577
- Go for Darnell.
- Cool. Darnell's got a hair phone.
311
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:01,141
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
312
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:03,153
Roger that. Don't worry.
I'll destroy it.
313
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,155
[Beeps]
314
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,661
Cool. Darnell blew up his hair phone.
315
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,028
Darnell, what's going on?
316
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,328
It ends up that while
we may laugh at reality TV...
317
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,165
for being the lowest form of entertainment,
apparently the ratings are quite large.
318
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,102
Twenty million people just saw my face.
319
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,764
My Witness Protection cover
has been blown.
320
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,072
Well, I guess all this means
I can't cross you off my list.
321
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:30,410
Hell no, you can't. You just humiliated me
in front of the whole country...
322
00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:33,007
and you put my husband in danger.
323
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:37,680
Now you're gonna have to bold, underline
and Italian-size me on that list.
324
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:42,227
Actually, Joy, he put us all in danger.
We have to relocate.
325
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:46,559
I don't get it, Darnell.
So one minute we're watching TV...
326
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,031
and the next, you're telling me
the F.B.I.'s snatching us away...
327
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,568
because there's people
that wanna come here and kill us?
328
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:54,798
Technically, they only want to kill me.
They'll kill whoever else is in the room.
329
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,206
- Wh-When you say,
"Whoever else is in the room"-
- Yeah, I mean you.
330
00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,403
- What about me?
- You too.
331
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,480
- Nice.
- And if the F.B.I. Gets here first-
332
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,242
You don't wanna be here for that either.
333
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,715
Joy, we only have time
to pack the essentials-
334
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,617
clothes, medicine
and my grandma's lemon square recipe.
335
00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:12,884
Is she even gonna be your grandma anymore?
336
00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:15,186
Truth be told, she wasn't
my real grandmas to begin with.
337
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,956
She testified against Halliburton.
But I love her to death.
338
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:21,396
Now as you all know from the flyers
I've put up, the candlelight vigils...
339
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,900
and the billboard on Third Street,
Mr. Turtle remains lost.
340
00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:26,334
The good news is, I gave him
plenty of survival training...
341
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,338
so I expect his imminent return.
342
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,840
So here's his food, his favorite scarf...
343
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,673
and his lip balm for the dry season.
344
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:39,749
I'm really sorry, Joy.
345
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,752
I feel like this is kinda my fault...
346
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,754
for getting you to go on that show.
347
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,756
It's totally your fault.
348
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,622
- Sorry. You weren't talking to me.
- He's right.
349
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:52,322
My childhood dream of being famous
was dead and buried, and you dug it up.
350
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:56,128
You made me go on TV
and turned my dream into a nightmare.
351
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:58,135
You made me a laughingstock.
352
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:00,671
Yeah, dummy.
353
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,034
If she's not gonna beJoy anymore,
I thought I'd try it.
354
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,044
It's not for me.
355
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,808
Joy, I promise, I'm gonna
make this up to you.
356
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,985
What are my boys doing wearing
their bicycle helmets?
357
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,021
Sometimes the pick-ups are a little rough.
Tuck your arms in, fellas.
358
00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:19,716
- Joy, please hustle.
- I'm not hurrying for the government.
359
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,816
- I paid their salary the year I did my taxes.
360
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,827
- Joy-
- They may tell me I have to move...
361
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:28,161
but I'm gonna call the rest of the shots-
what I pack, when I pack, how I pack.
362
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,599
- [Electricity Crackling]
- [Groans]
363
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:33,102
- [Thuds]
- [Vehicle Departs]
364
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,240
[Voices Whispering]
365
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:50,213
[Both Screaming]
366
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,824
[Screaming Continues]
367
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:01,898
- They're gone.
- I can't believe it.
368
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,401
There's so many things
I never got to say to them, like, uh-
369
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,034
Well, maybe I got that covered,
but still, I miss 'em.
370
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:13,236
I can't just let someone
take my ex-wife...
371
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:17,145
the guy she cheated on me with
and my two "igelitimate" kids.
372
00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:20,047
I promised Joy
I'd make her dream come true.
373
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,347
That's the last thing I said to her.
374
00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:24,513
We gotta find 'em.
375
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:26,784
Wow. There's still
a little liquid in mine.
376
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,190
- I wonder what it tastes like.
- Randy, no!
377
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,194
[Groans]