1 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,671 [Groans] Mornin', Earl. 2 00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:08,673 Mornin', Randy. 3 00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:11,676 You know what team I've always wanted to join? 4 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:13,678 The debate team. 5 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,681 - No, you haven't. - Yes, I have. 6 00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:20,446 Well, no offense, but I don't think you'd be very good at that. 7 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,783 Yes, I would. 8 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:25,289 You know, Randy, I think debatin' is more than just sayin'... 9 00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,383 the opposite of what the other person says. 10 00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,860 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 11 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,453 - No, it isn't. - It is. - Isn't. 12 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:35,022 Randy, this is stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. 13 00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,409 I win. 14 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:46,070 My name is Earl. 15 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,640 [Earl Narrating] There were a few things on my list... 16 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,651 that I'd actually done to the Crab Shack. 17 00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:56,051 One of'em, people had gotten used to working around. 18 00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,090 Beer comin'! 19 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:05,563 But it was still somethin' I wanted to fix. 20 00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,225 - I'm fixing the dent, Darnell. - That's good to hear. 21 00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:10,802 I tried to build a ramp over it with disastrous results. 22 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,804 Why would you slide it to me? 23 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,396 Who slides wine? 24 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,067 [Earl Narrating] There was a reason why I was fixing this today- 25 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:19,338 'cause it was the anniversary of the day I dented it... 26 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:22,279 which was also the anniversary of the day I married Joy. 27 00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:25,783 Joy's situation forced her to be a new wife and mother all at once. 28 00:01:25,885 --> 00:01:31,187 Ow! Damn it, baby. You keep kicking my kidney, and I'ma hold my breath again. 29 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,726 [Groans] 30 00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:37,126 All right. You asked for it. 31 00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:41,495 - What's your name again? - Joy. 32 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,535 - You got a baby in there? - Yup. 33 00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:45,501 Is that my brother's baby? 34 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,573 It is now. 35 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,543 Mrs. Hickey? 36 00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,113 I believe you requested I steal one of these. 37 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,479 Oh, Earl, you did it! 38 00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:01,020 I knew we were meant for each other the first time I met you the other night. 39 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,488 - Where'd you get it? - You walk into a bakery wearing a hairnet... 40 00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:06,957 you can walk out with pretty much anything you want. 41 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,860 - Randy, I got you a bag of sprinkles. - Shut up! 42 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,659 [Joy] This thing's goin'in the freezer. 43 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:15,734 They say if you eat it on the one-year anniversary, you'll have good luck. 44 00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:18,861 Saw it on Oprah. 45 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,805 She don't know much about marriage, but she sure knows somethin'about cake. 46 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,308 [Earl Narrating] That first year didn't go the wayJoy had hoped... 47 00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:27,504 and a few days before our anniversary, she hit rock bottom. 48 00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:30,811 - Our belly button fuzz balls are about the same size. - [Baby Crying] 49 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:33,044 How do we pick a winner? 50 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,316 That's it. I can't wait till Wednesday to eat that cake. 51 00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,549 I need my luck now. 52 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:42,025 Is that skin or a piece of Frosted Flake in yours? 53 00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,831 Skin. 54 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:50,232 What the hell? Somebody switched my cake with a pile of dog turds. 55 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,531 Either one of you know anything about this? 56 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:57,008 Actually, they're cat turds. But I don't know anything about it. 57 00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,011 [Earl Narrating] A couple days after I stole that cake... 58 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,946 me and Randy had a drinkin'contest at the Crab Shack. 59 00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:07,110 I never made it home, but unfortunately forJoy Randy did. 60 00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,814 # Here comes the stomach all dressed in stomach # 61 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,187 [Joy] Don't think I don't hear you out there, Sasquatch! 62 00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:14,487 You better not be gettin'into my food in the fridge! 63 00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:19,793 - Yeah, I hate you too, you bitchy old screech owl. - [Cat Meows] 64 00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:23,096 [Earl Narrating] Randy knew he couldn't just put empty foil back in the freezer... 65 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:26,969 and that's when he realized he could have the best ofboth worlds- 66 00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:29,439 - eatJoy's cake and feed her poo. - [Meows] 67 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,943 - [Both Laughing] - You think this is funny? 68 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,412 Why are you gettin' so mad over a little thing like this? 69 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:38,143 So my brother replaced our wedding cake with cat poo. 70 00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,151 I'm sure it happens in a lot of marriages. 71 00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:42,778 It's not a "little" thing. That cake was a symbol. 72 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,153 - Of what? - I don't know! 73 00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,783 Somethin'- like, that you cared about me. 74 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:51,421 And then dummy ruins it and you just sit there and laugh. 75 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,396 That means somethin' too. 76 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,297 [Plate Clatters] 77 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,200 - I'm really sorry I madeJoy mad at you, Earl. - [Door Slams] 78 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:01,899 If you need a place to sleep tonight, my couch is your couch. 79 00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,101 Your couch is my couch, Randy. 80 00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:06,576 So we agree. 81 00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:10,680 [Earl Narrating] Randy felt guilty for days... 82 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:15,117 so on our actual anniversary, he did somethin'to put an end to it. 83 00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:18,556 "Dear Earl and Joy... 84 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,558 "I'm sorry for eatin' your cake... 85 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,152 "so I'm gonna kill myself at the Crab Shack at 3:00. 86 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,722 "I'll probably shoot myself in the face. 87 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,667 Stay cool. Love, Randy." 88 00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:33,804 [Crowd] Surprise! 89 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,966 - Happy anniversary! - Oh, my God. 90 00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,601 Oh, my God, Randy. Did you do all this? 91 00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:42,408 Are you kiddin' me? Earl's been plannin' this for weeks. 92 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:46,474 Why do you think he's been such a jerk lately? He was just setting you up for this. 93 00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:48,850 You did this? 94 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,855 Yeah! 95 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,016 I did this. Me. 96 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,289 Thanks, Earl. I really needed a lift right now. 97 00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:59,991 Thought I might get it by Randy killin' himself, but this is even better. 98 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,898 Thanks, Randy. You made life better for both of us. 99 00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,531 You're welcome, Earl. I felt bad. 100 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,304 When this marriage ends, I want it to be... 101 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:15,176 because you and Joy hate each other, not because of me. 102 00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:18,079 - Hey, Joy. - [Jukebox] #What's your name # 103 00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:22,052 Well, it's been fun chattin'. You wanna get outta here and go have sex? 'Cause I do, real bad. 104 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,488 No, Donny. Quit starin' at me with your crazy eyes. 105 00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:28,992 I'll put a bag over my head like you made me do last time we banged. 106 00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:30,892 Look, the only reason you got lucky that night... 107 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,897 was 'cause I had cramps and sometimes that helps. 108 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:38,596 And no hard feelings, but when you're naked you look like you got kneecaps everywhere. 109 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,106 Hello, Joy. 110 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:45,769 Oh, my God! [Laughs] Mr. Stevens! 111 00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:48,278 I haven't seen you since Missy's wedding. 112 00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:51,373 - What's that, like, five years ago? - Seven. 113 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,351 And aside from my daughter, you were the most beautiful girl there. 114 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,287 Oh, you are so sweet! 115 00:05:57,390 --> 00:06:00,587 You didn't tell anybody that we, uh, slept together that night, did you? 116 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,923 Hell, no. I wasn't in a rush to tell my friends... 117 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,259 about humpin' someone's red-faced, bald-headed, out-of-bread dad... 118 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,265 in the back of a catering truck. 119 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,460 - # Shootin'you straight Little girl # - Thanks. 120 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,764 - I'll tell Missy you said hi. - # For there ain't no shame # 121 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,066 Lookin' good, Joy. 122 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,232 - # What's your name # - Pickup's out back. 123 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,037 - # Little girl What's your name # - Mmm! 124 00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,544 - Long time, sweet cheeks. - Ain't that nice! 125 00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,546 - Hey, babe. - # Shootin'you straight # 126 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:26,778 Earl, who-who exactly did you invite to this party? 127 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:30,413 Uh- R-R-Randy was more in charge of the guest list. 128 00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,286 Who'd we invite? 129 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,953 People me and you know, plus all ofJoy's friends. 130 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,962 You know, from her address book. 131 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,191 "Guys I've phoned." 132 00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,994 Randy, it says "Guys I've boned." 133 00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:47,004 That's a "B"? I thought it was an "F." 134 00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:49,336 - How could you let this happen? - I didn't let this happen. 135 00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,433 I didn't have anything to do with this stupid party. 136 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:55,911 No, wait. Yes, I did. L-I did everything. 137 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:59,178 No, l-l-I did nothin'. What are you more mad about? 138 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:01,685 You didn't throw this party. Dummy did. 139 00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:05,121 I know, I know. I'm a terrible husband who never blah, blah, blah! 140 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,124 But you're no prize either. 141 00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:10,354 What kind of wife keeps an address book full of guys she banged? 142 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:13,091 The kind of wife that wants to keep her options open for the future. 143 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,861 What? You think you're gonna find someone better than me? 144 00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:19,199 Go for it, baby, but keep in mind this is Camden. 145 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:22,763 I own my own car, I almost graduated high school... 146 00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:25,708 and I have a huge collection of cassette tapes. 147 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,110 So good luck to you. 148 00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:30,205 - ## [Ends] - [Grunts] 149 00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,348 [Earl Narrating] Back then Mr. Turtle was still young... 150 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,353 and needed to take walks. 151 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,356 And since Darnell hadn't metJoy yet, he had plenty of free time. 152 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,552 - [Buzzing] - But that day, thanks to some hateful bees... 153 00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:44,562 their leisurely walk turned into a run for cover. 154 00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:46,564 [Buzzing Continues] 155 00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:51,467 And Darnell wasn't the only new Camdenite that the bees decided to pester. 156 00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:54,972 - Quick! In here! - [Whimpering] 157 00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:03,704 I just got to this country, and already I'm invited into someone's house. 158 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,785 You must be rich. You have a phone. 159 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,525 Hey, Earl. This is Phil. He does mortgages down at the bank. 160 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,529 You know, 30-year balloon loans. 161 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:22,567 Has a gold pinkie ring, white shoes, brand-name socks. 162 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,159 Oh, I know Phil. We went to high school together. 163 00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:27,239 How's it going, buddy? 164 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,102 - [Both Laughing] - Oh, God! 165 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:34,179 How did I not notice that when we slept together? 166 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,580 No wonder he didn't want to cuddle. 167 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,447 All the ladies in the house say "Ho!" 168 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,453 [Women, Joy] Ho! 169 00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,080 [Earl Narrating] And that's right about when the fun ended for me. 170 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:48,991 Blake was my cousin, and I'd hated him since we were kids. 171 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:53,327 It all started when our moms took us to audition for a local backpack catalog. 172 00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:58,563 - # Yeah, on the catwalk # - I knew I could make the Little Explorer look good... 173 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,572 but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. 174 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,107 #I'm too sexy for my shirt # 175 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,444 From that day on I've never measured up to Cousin Blake. 176 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:14,179 Cousin Blake? 177 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:16,482 [Giggles] That's right, Earl. 178 00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,489 Blake's here 'cause he's in my book. 179 00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,491 [Earl Narrating] For a while there... 180 00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:24,188 I didn't think Joy could do better than me, and now I knew she could. 181 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:28,393 - You wanna know what she wrote next to his name? - Absolutely not. 182 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,628 "Gimungo." 183 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:34,137 Hey, Earl. You look a little surprised to see me. 184 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,175 You must have just found out I boned your wife. 185 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:39,176 It's a look I get a lot. 186 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,075 So, Earl- 187 00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:44,980 - Still a loser and a thief, I'll assume. - Yup. 188 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,110 Mmm. And I'm still rockin' the model thing. 189 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,123 [Earl Narrating] Blake was better than me at everything, so I had to do something fast. 190 00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:01,427 Back then my motto was, "When in doubt, set something on fire." 191 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,803 Oh, my God! Fire! Run for your lives! 192 00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:09,272 The whole place is going up! 193 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:12,276 [Earl Narrating] Nothing can keep people in a bar when it's on fire. 194 00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:16,610 - Killer bees! Killer bees! Don't go out there! - Except killer bees. 195 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,844 Don't worry, Joy. I'll protect you. 196 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:28,360 [Screaming] 197 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,733 [Earl Narrating] So, while killer bees were invading Camden... 198 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:40,203 I was stuck inside having to watch my wife canoodle with my cousin... 199 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,297 and his backpack that was worth more than my car. 200 00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:45,502 Nobody worry. I come prepared, like a Boy Scout. 201 00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:51,072 A Boy Scout that's a handsome, professional backpack model with his own condo. 202 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:55,085 You worry about everyone else. I'll take care of my wife. 203 00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:58,645 Oh, all of a sudden you care about me. 204 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,658 Looks like you're jealous. 205 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,421 Nah, I'm not jealous. 206 00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:05,429 I'm just doing what a husband does- protecting his family. 207 00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:08,728 So, what you gonna protect me with? 208 00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:15,703 I got a piece of gum and a corn dog stick. 209 00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:18,868 Why the hell are you carryin'around a corn dog stick? 210 00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:20,878 'Cause there's still a little corn dog on it. 211 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,210 Sometimes, if you wait, it loosens up. 212 00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,219 It's not ready. 213 00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:31,755 I've been workin' at Club Chubby for a couple of weeks now... 214 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,848 so I'm trying to figure out my signature move. 215 00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:35,859 Cinnamon slaps her ass with a ruler. 216 00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,293 Chantal lets people put gum in her hair. 217 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:41,298 I just need something to help me stand out. 218 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,265 Have you ever thought of jumping? 219 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,073 That'll work. 220 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,473 [Screaming] 221 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:57,544 Hey. Bees just swarmed me and my john. 222 00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,778 I didn't have time to untie him from the tree. I hope he's okay. 223 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,912 If they're swarming people, it means these bees are Africanized. 224 00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,423 Those brothers mean business. 225 00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:09,358 I don't know who you are, but you better not be hookin'... 226 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,362 because you are much prettier than me... 227 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,659 and I got a teenage son to put through hairdressing school. 228 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:15,666 - [Woman] 911 operator. What's your emergency? - Yeah! 229 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,668 We're inside a phone booth, trapped by killer bees! 230 00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,738 Hey, if that's Clarence, ask him how his mommy is. 231 00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:23,172 I call emergency about nine times a day. Comes with the job. 232 00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,743 They got me on hold. There's a lot of callers. 233 00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:27,779 - [Screaming] - Oh! Oh! 234 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,646 Good! Larry got his ropes untied. 235 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,409 I got nothin' on this guy, Randy. 236 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:40,220 He's beaten me again, just like he did with modelin' and stayin' cavity-free. 237 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,453 I'm sorry about all this, Earl. 238 00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:46,258 I didn't even get a chance to show the anniversary video I made for you guys. 239 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:51,632 Y-You made a video about me and Joy, about our love and crap like that? 240 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:55,969 Yeah. I hid the camera around the trailer for a while. 241 00:12:56,075 --> 00:13:00,842 I got the idea off that show where the guy catches perverts in his kitchen every week. 242 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,846 He should really move. 243 00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:08,045 Anyway, I took the tape to that lady that makes wedding videos and breeds Taco Bell puppies. 244 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,021 Randy, that's perfect. Put it on. 245 00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,656 Excuse me, everyone! 246 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,888 I made a little video I think some of you would like to see. 247 00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:23,367 It's called Earl and Joy- High Dot, Low Dot-A Love Story. 248 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,199 Honey, this is for you. [Kisses] 249 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:29,672 Blake, one of these fingers is for you. 250 00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:32,801 ## [Pop Ballad On Television] 251 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:45,856 [Man] #You know our love was meant to be # 252 00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:52,190 #The kind of love to last forever # 253 00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:54,664 - [Grunting] - [Farts] 254 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,395 #And I want you here with me # 255 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,869 [Coughing] 256 00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:02,805 - Oh, my God! [Groans] - What happened? 257 00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:06,344 #To the end of time # 258 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:09,573 #You should know # 259 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,947 # Everywhere I go # 260 00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,282 #Always on my mind # 261 00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:18,515 # In my heart In my soul # 262 00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:22,560 # Baby, you're the meaning in my life # 263 00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,561 - [Twittering] - Just 'cause you leave me a note... 264 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:26,858 sayin' I gotta do somethin' with the bird in the freezer... 265 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:29,526 doesn't mean I gotta drop everything that's important to me and do it. 266 00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:32,604 - Yeah. - Is my name "Note Reader"? 267 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,141 Is my name "Bird Defroster"? No. 268 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,574 My na- 269 00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:43,907 That was, uh, clearly the blooper reel. 270 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:47,975 Hey, Cousin, it looks like you're gonna need a place to crash for a while. 271 00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,749 You can stay at my pad. I won't be there... 272 00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,756 'cause even though we're four months from Christmas... 273 00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:56,157 it looks like I'm gonna be busy spreadin'Joy. 274 00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:59,323 Son of a bitch! 275 00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,262 [Onlookers Shouting] 276 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,928 Wait. You're from La Paz, near the river of blood? 277 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,130 I did my Peace Corps year down there. 278 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,799 Oh, small world. 279 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,809 Small world! 280 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,106 - [Banging] - Let me in! 281 00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:16,272 Those bees aren't too particular who you are! 282 00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:18,976 [All Whimpering] 283 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,951 Thank you. Oh, those bees are such bitches! 284 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:25,888 You laugh, but that statement is factual. Most of the colony are actually female. 285 00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:29,620 There are only a few males, and their only job is to have sex with the queen. 286 00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:32,458 Ick! Worst job ever. 287 00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,032 If we're the only four survivors left on the planet... 288 00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:38,103 I call the black guy. 289 00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:41,832 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 290 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,501 Cut it out! Gonna break the bar. 291 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,170 [Whimpers] That's right. 292 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:50,112 You might know "fujitsu"... 293 00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:52,115 but my head can break things. 294 00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:55,653 What do you think of that, Mr. "I'm Better Than Earl at Everything"? 295 00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:59,616 Uh, I bet you can't do this. 296 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:02,956 [Screams] Son of a bitch! 297 00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:07,294 Oh, God. Blake, go get me some cigarettes from the vendin'machine. 298 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,299 Yeah, sure. 299 00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:13,565 I'll just be over there at the vending machine. 300 00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:17,369 Oh, yeah? And I'll be waitin' right here. 301 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,944 - [Farts] - 'Scuse me. 302 00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:27,176 Earl, this isn't right. 303 00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,312 Isn't this what you wanted, for me to get jealous? 304 00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:32,322 But the person you're jealous of is your cousin. 305 00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:35,860 It ain't got nothin' to do with me, or else you'd be jealous of all these other guys too. 306 00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:38,259 Well, look. I don't know what you want from me. 307 00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:42,767 Look, I'm not tryin' to criticize you. 308 00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:46,770 But jealousy, throwing me a party, making me a nice video- 309 00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:49,773 Those are all ways to show you care... 310 00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:52,036 and you don't do stuff like that. 311 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:56,672 Well, I pretended to do all those things. Doesn't that count for somethin'? 312 00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,807 Who are we kiddin'? 313 00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:02,080 You saw the video. This isn't a marriage. 314 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:05,714 What did I expect? I mean, I tricked you into marrying me. 315 00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:09,658 You didn't care about me when you agreed to that, and I don't think you ever will. 316 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,629 I wouldn't. 317 00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:15,632 I'm sorry, Earl. 318 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:18,703 I think it's time we just end it. 319 00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:25,375 [Earl Narrating] In a whole year, I had never stopped to think... 320 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:28,378 about whether or not I cared about my wife. 321 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,813 In those days I never really stopped to care about anything. 322 00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,351 While I was facing the end of my marriage... 323 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,853 everyone else was facing the end of their lives. 324 00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:39,856 - They're gonna get in! - I can't believe I'm gonna die today. 325 00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:43,519 I have four outstanding books from the library. What if that's all it says in the paper? 326 00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:46,564 I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin. 327 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,260 I was saving myself for marriage. 328 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,271 I hope you're impressed! 329 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,398 And that you exist! 330 00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:59,909 I can't believe I'm gonna die without givin' it up for free. 331 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,344 Just once I shoulda done that. 332 00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,780 I've always wanted to try a threesome. 333 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:10,445 I've never kissed a man, and I want to. 334 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,892 Bad. 335 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:19,829 What kind of man doesn't know if he cares about his wife? 336 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,832 A man in a coma. 337 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,334 Or a man who got married over the Internet... 338 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:27,837 and he hasn't met his wife yet 'cause she's being shipped here on a boat. 339 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,602 The only person I've ever really cared about is you... 340 00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,610 and you're my brother- I don't have a choice. 341 00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,873 What if I'm just a lazy jerk who's gonna go through... 342 00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,347 the rest of his life never caring about anybody else? 343 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,816 [Buzzing] 344 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:42,819 Bee! 345 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,890 [Slowed Down Audio] 346 00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:56,861 [Earl Narrating] Before my list, when I didn't have time to think... 347 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,699 it always ended with me doing the wrong thing... 348 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:02,205 like stealing or peeing in public. 349 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,741 But not on that day. 350 00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,811 Not in that moment. 351 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,598 - You okay? - Yeah. 352 00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:34,563 I can't say that moment turned me into a perfect husband... 353 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:38,769 or thatJoy didn't have to drive my drunk ass home later that night... 354 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,278 but that was the day I knew I could care about someone else. 355 00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:45,612 I did care about someone else, and she knew it too. 356 00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:50,446 #You said we'd try # 357 00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:54,083 #Lovin; touchin'# 358 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,856 #Squeezin'each other# 359 00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:59,954 [Earl Narrating] I guess you learn what you're capable of... 360 00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:01,965 when you stare death in the face. 361 00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:06,197 It's all okay. They are gone. Bees are on their way to Texas. 362 00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,241 This never happened. 363 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:13,243 #Oh, what can I say # 364 00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:16,371 #Now it's your turn, girl, to cry # 365 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:18,381 [Earl Narrating] And when you have history with people... 366 00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:21,043 you'll always remember those meaningful days. 367 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:24,452 ## [Man Vocalizing] 368 00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,594 Think it's ready, Darnell. 369 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:32,664 - Give it a shot. - Beer comin'! 370 00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,234 [Mug Shatters] 371 00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:40,999 Oh, I'm sorry, Darnell. I just got so excited, I forgot I was supposed to catch it. 372 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,670 Happy anniversary. 373 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,906 That was $2.00 and tax. 374 00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:54,577 You don't have to pay me back. I just wanted you to know. 375 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:57,018 You're welcome. 376 00:20:57,122 --> 00:21:00,091 ## [Continues] 377 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,161 I know this sounds crazy... 378 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,790 but of all your wives, I thinkJoy was my favorite. 379 00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:09,867 Mine too.