1
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:08,574
[Earl Narrating] Living at the motel,
we've had our share of annoying neighbors.
2
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,041
Hello there, neighbor folks.
Working hard or hardly working?
3
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:13,772
Like this guy, most of them
drove me crazy and wouldn't shut up.
4
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:17,976
Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time
my dog ate a whole bag of Halloween candy?
5
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:22,043
Whoo-hoo! Well, I come home from
work one day, I walk in the door-
6
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:26,182
Least I think I was at work. But as it
occurs to me, it was a Sunday in October...
7
00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:29,750
and I do not work on the Lord's day-
during football season!
8
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,798
"The Lord's day." You should write that down.
That's a good one.
9
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:34,867
Wait. It wasn't October.
10
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:39,598
It was February, and it was a box of chocolates
I purchased for my sweetheart Gertie.
11
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,437
L-l- I gotta pee. Cappy, talk real loud
so I don't miss anything, okay?
12
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:47,309
So, anyways,
Gertie was from Bismarck-
13
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:49,314
[Earl Narrating]
So I was stuck.
14
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,783
But fortunately, whenever
I had a neighbor I didn't like...
15
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:57,084
- Catalina would always find a way to move 'em.
- So, I says to myself, "Cappy"-
16
00:00:57,190 --> 00:01:00,626
Excuse me, sir.
We just discovered toxic mold in your room.
17
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:04,891
Oh, bummer. We had toxic moles
in our old room.
18
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:08,729
They burrow in,
and they have turf wars with the rats.
19
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:11,827
I'll be moving you to a great room
in the east wing.
20
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,168
When it's windy, you can get HBO.
21
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,573
Keep in touch. Or not.
22
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:20,077
My name is Earl.
23
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:26,944
You wanna tell me why
I just saw Cappy in the east wing?
24
00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:30,284
I don't know, Randy.
Something about toxic moles.
25
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,358
It wasn't toxic moles.
26
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:35,292
You got rid of him, like you do
with all the cool neighbors-
27
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,363
even that guy
with the illegal penguin.
28
00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,364
That penguin was a jerk.
29
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,094
All day long-
[Imitating Footsteps]
30
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,638
Plus, I knew he kept him in the ice machine
at night, 'cause I could taste it.
31
00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:48,298
Well, I miss Cappy.
32
00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:51,172
Trust me, Randy,
we're better off without him.
33
00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:56,214
Hello?
34
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,550
Can I help you?
35
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:09,221
What are you doin' in my room?
36
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,729
Oh, you must be
in the room next door.
37
00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:13,856
But my key opened this door.
38
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:17,630
Oh, that's 'cause the manager bought
all the locks in bulk at a swap meet.
39
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,864
They can also be opened
with a potato peeler...
40
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,771
and those things that you use
to hold corn on the cob.
41
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,242
Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Earl.
42
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:37,885
Way to go, Earl. I bet that guy's
got the least funny stories in the universe.
43
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,983
I don't want stories in a neighbor, Randy.
I want quiet in a neighbor.
44
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,656
Well, let's see how you
like quiet in a brother.
45
00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:48,063
[TV: Chattering, Gunshots]
46
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,737
So, how do you like it?
47
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,329
Give me a few hours to find out.
48
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,340
[Grinding]
49
00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:59,608
[Banging]
50
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:06,217
You know who didn't
make noise at night? Cappy.
51
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:10,050
I'm sure the new guy
just doesn't realize how loud that is.
52
00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,124
I'll go talk to him.
53
00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:19,024
[Machinery Winds Down, Stops]
54
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,672
Hey. It's, uh-
It's 3:00 in the morning.
55
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,298
Just wondering if
you could keep it down.
56
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:36,138
Just, uh, I heard some
noise in there.
57
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:39,150
Just maybe you could not...
58
00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,812
work... so late?
59
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,481
I don't know what you're talking about.
L- I was sleeping.
60
00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,617
Okeydokey.
61
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:53,265
- How'd it go?
- Pretty good.
62
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,301
He's actually a pretty nice guy
once you get to know him.
63
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,929
[Grinding, Banging Resume]
64
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,941
I'm sure he'll be done real soon.
65
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:07,570
- You miss Cappy, don't you?
- Yeah, I miss Cappy!
66
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,773
What the hell is he
doin' in there anyway?
67
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,440
Why don't you go look
through the bullet hole?
68
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,075
Why don't you look
through the bullet hole?
69
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,950
Why should I? This is your fault.
If it had been up to me...
70
00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:19,252
- we'd still have Cappy and not some weirdo-
- Not it!
71
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,657
Damn it.
Why do I always forget "not it"?
72
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,424
[Machinery Winds Down, Stops]
73
00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:28,432
[Whispers]
Go look.
74
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:39,033
What do you see?
75
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:42,512
It's sort of a big almond-shaped
white thing...
76
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:47,314
with sort of a round blue-greenish
thing in the middle.
77
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,320
It blinked.
78
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,449
[Whispering]
It's an eye!
79
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:54,753
It's an eye!
He's lookin' at us!
80
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:57,690
His name is Lloyd.
And no, I am not moving that guy.
81
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:01,130
I saw him this morning,
and he said if I ever step foot in his room...
82
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,395
something bad will happen
to my pretty little face.
83
00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:06,370
You should have him thrown out
of the motel for acting psycho.
84
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:10,033
Are you kidding?
If I can't go in his room, I can't clean his room.
85
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,078
Plus, he thinks I'm pretty.
I hope he never checks out.
86
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,544
Well, I guess if
he's not moving, we have to.
87
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:20,483
Well, then somebody's gotta go pack our stuff,
and I think it should be you.
88
00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:23,054
Number one, because this is all your fault.
Number two, you're-
89
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,023
- Not it.
- Damn it!
90
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,319
- Hey, Joy.
- Hey, dummkopf.
91
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:35,060
That's German for "dummy."
Heard Colonel Klink say it to Hogan.
92
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,365
- What are you doin' here?
- Catchin' a fish for Dodge's science project.
93
00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:40,871
[Earl Narrating]
Turned out there was a reason Joy was excited...
94
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,873
about this particular science fair.
95
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:44,943
Normally, Joy didn't believe
in science...
96
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:48,673
but she did believe in the $500
cash prize and what it would buy her.
97
00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,908
[Woman]
...universal symbol of hope and love.
98
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,918
Because if your heart is open,
love will always find its way in.
99
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,545
It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
100
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,624
[Earl Narrating]
Those diamonds got a hold ofJoy...
101
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:01,660
and she couldn't stop thinking about how
to get her hands on that necklace.
102
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:05,595
- [Gasps] Jane Seymour?
- Hello, Joy.
103
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,395
- How'd you know my name?
- Oh, I've been reading your prescription bottles.
104
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,766
I have something for you.
105
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:18,106
- What the hell?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
106
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,146
You'll have to win the science fair
if you want to get the necklace.
107
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:26,412
But how, Jane Seymour? I never understood
science or chemistry or biology.
108
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,919
You wanna hear something funny?
109
00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:32,252
First time I ever used birth control pills,
I put 'em inside me.
110
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:37,591
Well, we all change, Joy. I started as a dancer,
and I evolved into an actress.
111
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:40,666
And then I evolved into an artist.
112
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,735
It's all about evolution.
113
00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:46,066
Evolution.
114
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,470
Jane Seymour wants me
to disprove evolution.
115
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:51,099
- Darnell!
- It's not porn if it's on regular TV.
116
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,873
Jane Seymour came to me in a dream
and told me how to win the science fair.
117
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,109
I'm gonna prove that
evolution's a bunch of bullcrap.
118
00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:00,515
How are you going to do that?
119
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:03,214
I'm gonna fill this up with water
and put a fish in it...
120
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,290
but his food's gonna be
up on this rock.
121
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:08,952
When the fish gets hungry, he's gonna have
to grow legs and walk up here to eat.
122
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:11,757
If he doesn't, that proves
there's no evolution.
123
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,669
Tampon, condom, pacifier-
124
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,533
Fish!
125
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:24,940
Kind of small, don't you think?
126
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,137
Maybe for eatin',
but not for science.
127
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:33,978
Oh, man. Y'all got homeless
comin' through here now?
128
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,987
That's why I tell Darnell,
"Break your bottles 'fore you throw 'em away."
129
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,717
Word gets out,
they'll stop pawin' through your trash.
130
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,726
[Vehicle Passes, Horn Honks]
131
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:44,991
- Hold the phone!
- [Blowing]
132
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,860
I know that guy.
133
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,957
[Earl Narrating]
I was surprised thatJoy knew Lloyd.
134
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:53,732
But I was even more surprised
to find out that, in a way, I knew him too.
135
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,740
Shortly after me
and Joy got married...
136
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,208
- I realized I couldn'tjust rely on stealing...
- # The mountain is high #
137
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,075
- to support a new wife
and someone else's unborn baby.
- # The valley is low #
138
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,580
- # And you're confused #
- So I tried my hand in the auto industry.
139
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:07,210
- # On which way to go #
- For 50 bucks I'd haul away your oldjunker.
140
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,481
#So I've come here
to give you a hand #
141
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,217
#And lead you into
the promised land #
142
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,953
- # So come on and take a free ride #
- Then I took the 50...
143
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,825
and gave it a hillbilly tune-up
to get it runnin'.
144
00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,864
#Come on
and sit here by my side #
145
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:24,994
I stapled the seat belts back together,
painted over the "check engine" light...
146
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,732
and I wrote "air bag"
on the steering wheel in Sharpie.
147
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,741
That should raise the price.
148
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:34,802
As soon as we found a nice house that was vacant
during the day, the car was ready to sell.
149
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:38,179
- So, why you selling it?
- We're buying a minivan.
150
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:42,846
I know, barf. Next thing you know, I'm gonna
be playing soccer like all the other moms.
151
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:47,415
I'm goin' on a cross-country trip,
and, uh, I've never bought a car before.
152
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,518
[Laughs]
I don't even know what questions to ask.
153
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:53,065
I hear ya.
Lord knows, I'm no car salesman.
154
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:56,066
Tell you what.
Why don't you just give me the 900 bucks.
155
00:08:56,168 --> 00:09:00,036
Drive it around for a couple of days.
If you don't like it, come get your money back.
156
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,869
I mean, you know where we live.
It's not like we're goin' anywhere.
157
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,978
That sounds fair.
158
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,541
Yeah, let's do it.
159
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:13,141
- I'm buyin' a car!
- You're buyin' a car.
160
00:09:14,253 --> 00:09:16,483
#Free ride ##
161
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:19,057
He looked so nice and sweet
when we ripped him off.
162
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:21,558
Now he looks like that guy
who used to collect roadkill...
163
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,061
to make those
creepy Nativity scenes.
164
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:27,621
Anyway, I'd stay away
from him if I were you.
165
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,396
I can't now. He's on my list.
166
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:34,405
[Earl Narrating] I had a lot of experience
telling psychos I screwed 'em over...
167
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,407
but this guy was the psycho-est.
168
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:39,569
- Hey there, buddy.
- I'm not your buddy.
169
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,341
Fair enough.
170
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:45,474
Uh, listen, I just heard
the craziest story.
171
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,043
It's not the one about that dog
eating the candies, is it?
172
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:52,249
'Cause I already walked away
from that story once.
173
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:57,091
No, l-listen. It's, uh-
It's about the lemon car I sold you.
174
00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:02,532
I told him I was the one who sold him that
lemon car, and all about my list and karma.
175
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:05,126
Then I waited
for the crazy to come out.
176
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,137
But it didn't.
177
00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:09,537
You don't owe me anything.
178
00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:12,304
You showed me the way of the world.
179
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,312
That's when Lloyd told me
the rest of what happened.
180
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,315
Lloyd packed his bags and headed off
on a cross-country trip.
181
00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:22,148
[Singing With Car Stereo]
# It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw #
182
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:28,022
- # I've gone to look for America #
- [Car Backfires, Rattles]
183
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,960
[Sputters, Backfires]
184
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:34,863
But the car we sold him wasn't even up
for a cross-Camden trip.
185
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,231
#All gone to look for #
186
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:41,067
#America ##
187
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:44,006
Lloyd was happyJoy gave him
that money-back guarantee...
188
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:47,671
until he found out the house
really belonged to the Yangs.
189
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,977
Damn. Damn, damn, damn!
190
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:56,915
He gave that car a hillbilly tune-up
ofhis own and passed it on the next sucker.
191
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,991
Why is it shaking?
192
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,059
That's not the car. That's you.
193
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,424
Oh.
194
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:07,932
But why-why is smoke coming
out from under the hood?
195
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:11,162
Oh, that's the steam feature.
Keeps the engine clean.
196
00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:15,104
Fancy. I'll take it!
197
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:20,235
Finally, I'll have
one nice thing before I die.
198
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:24,578
I feel terrible.
L-I'd really like to make up for what I did.
199
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,676
Why? You opened my eyes.
200
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,914
You taught me that people are scum.
201
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,617
But I won't have to worry about
the scum of the earth much longer.
202
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,854
That's kind of a weird thing to say.
203
00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:39,988
- N-No offense.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
204
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:43,364
'Cause soon, I'm gonna
have all my materials...
205
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:46,063
and I won't have to worry
about people offending me.
206
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:52,132
See, th-there you go again.
207
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,875
You're the one from the eyehole.
208
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,543
Stay tuned.
209
00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:06,956
I think I created a terrorist.
210
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:17,167
Randy, I really think this guy's
gonna blow somethin' up. What do we do?
211
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:20,432
You're asking me? Oh, God.
This is really bad, isn't it?
212
00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,167
- I don't know. Maybe call the cops?
- No, that won't help.
213
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,767
They'll lock him up for a few months, then
let him back out even more angry at the world.
214
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,245
We could chop his hands off,
so at least he can't light fuses.
215
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,248
- Randy-
- [Groans]
216
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:33,818
You put me in charge,
and now you shoot down all my ideas?
217
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,910
Randy, we're not
choppin' off Lloyd's hands!
218
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,989
- My hands?
- Aah!
- Aah!
219
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,259
Uh, a-a different Lloyd.
220
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,420
Uh, I got a cousin named Lloyd...
221
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,465
who has, uh, hand cancer.
222
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,034
Listen, Lloyd.
223
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:53,663
I feel responsible for you thinking
everybody is scum.
224
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,970
- And I believe I already thanked you.
- I don't want to be thanked.
225
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,807
L-l- I just wanna make it up
to you so that you're not so...
226
00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:02,813
negative?
227
00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:05,645
Show me somebody who isn't negative.
228
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:08,276
- Katie Couric.
- Randy.
229
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:12,949
Look. Not everybody's scum.
230
00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:15,026
No, think about it.
231
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,652
People are only good
till they get screwed over.
232
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,890
You screwed me,
I screwed the next person...
233
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,160
and I'm sure they screwed
somebody else...
234
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:26,329
and it just kept goin'
down the line.
235
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,574
But-But what if it didn't?
236
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:34,237
Wh-What if somebody, uh, broke the chain,
and-and was honest about the car?
237
00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:37,543
- Impossible.
- You don't know that.
238
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,245
- How much you wanna bet?
- I'll bet you $500.
239
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:44,789
Well, I'm kinda on
a fixed income right now...
240
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,120
and, uh, it's all going
to my project.
241
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:49,194
Look, how about this.
242
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:54,289
If one of those people was honest and-
and didn't screw somebody else...
243
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,493
will you give your fellow man
another chance?
244
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,132
[Earl Narrating] The next dayJoy saw
something that undid years of Sunday school.
245
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:10,079
- SweetJesus! The fish grew feet.
- What does that mean, Mommy?
246
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:13,345
I think it means we don't gotta
go to church no more.
247
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,455
Baby, that's a tadpole.
248
00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:20,081
All you proved is that
tadpoles turn into frogs.
249
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,059
- Do people already know that?
- Yes, Joy.
250
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:25,460
That would actually fall under
the heading "common knowledge."
251
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:30,024
Damn! Now I'm not gonna get my hand-designed
Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace.
252
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:32,933
- Stupid fish-frog!
- [Dog Barking In Distance]
253
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,098
Hello. My name's Darnell.
254
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,200
I'm gonna call you Mr. Frog.
255
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:43,240
[Earl Narrating]
I didn't want Lloyd to blow anything up...
256
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:46,546
so I made him take me
to the little old lady he sold the car to.
257
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,212
Of course I remember that shaky car.
258
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:53,280
I wasted a thousand dollars
getting tested for Parkinson's.
259
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,622
L-I don't suppose you
still have the car, do you?
260
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,891
[Earl Narrating] She didn't. She told me
how she spruced it up with a racing stripe...
261
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:00,966
and sold it to a guy
who was new to town.
262
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,160
That sneaky little bitch
ripped me off...
263
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,364
with her face like
a wrinkled yam and her lies.
264
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:10,636
What she did was wrong-
evil and wrong!
265
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,201
- What'd you do with the car?
- I sold it to the next sucker.
266
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,941
Hey, welcome to America!
[Chuckles]
267
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:19,643
[Earl Narrating] Nescobar gave the car
something he called a Nairobi tune-up...
268
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,777
and sold it to a hillbilly.
269
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:26,290
I wrote "Turbo" on the side and sold
it to a black feller named PookieJohnson.
270
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:28,587
I remember,
'cause my mom's name is Pookie.
271
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:33,461
Hey, is that a three-position switch
with a built-in timer? Can I buy it?
272
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:36,432
Don't do it. Don't do it.
I think he's buildin' a bomb.
273
00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:40,938
I think we've already established that scruples
are not a big part of my nature.
274
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,600
[Earl Narrating] I wasn't gettin'closer
to finding an honest man...
275
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:46,303
but Lloyd seemed to be getting closer
to finishing his bomb.
276
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:48,380
So I had to get creative.
277
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,780
[Nasal Voice] Yeah, it conked out
in the Chubby Burger drive-through line.
278
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,978
That's when I said to myself...
279
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:58,488
"PookieJames Johnson,
you have been hoodwinked."
280
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,820
What'd you do then, PookieJames?
281
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:04,293
I melted it down
and made a jungle gym for orphans.
282
00:16:04,396 --> 00:16:08,890
Only wish I could have melted something down
to make those kids some moms and dads.
283
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:13,404
- Well, we do what we can.
- Wow, you really did that?
284
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,298
Orphans?
285
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,910
That's impressive.
286
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,845
[Earl Narrating]
I knew I wasn't exactly honest with Lloyd...
287
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:27,351
but it seems like it's okay to bend the rules
when it comes to dealing with terrorists.
288
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:29,421
So I figured karma wouldn't mind.
289
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:31,489
Apparently, I figured wrong.
290
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,490
[Vehicle Backfires]
291
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:35,082
[Brakes Screech]
292
00:16:37,363 --> 00:16:39,797
People are scum!
293
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:44,392
And you're scum for lying to me,
and I'm not putting up with it anymore!
294
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,597
- Lloyd, wait! You're not even on my insurance!
- [Car Door Closes, Engine Revs]
295
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:50,607
[Tires Squealing]
296
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:53,303
#Boom, boom, boom, boom #
297
00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:56,006
- # Bang, bang, bang, bang #
- [Backfires, Sputters]
298
00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:58,413
- # Boom, boom, boom, boom #
- Really?
299
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,782
- You had to drive by right now?
- # Bang, bang, bang, bang ##
300
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,378
[Earl Narrating] I hadn't done much running
since I gave up stealing...
301
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,583
so I was a little out of shape.
302
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:10,628
But it's amazing how fast you can move when
the fate ofhalf the county is in your hands.
303
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:13,391
Lloyd! Stop!
304
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,399
Lloyd, look, I know there's
some bad people out there...
305
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,699
but there's some good people too...
306
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:23,001
and neither one
deserves to be blown up!
307
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,011
Lloyd, open up!
308
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,872
Please don't set off the bomb!
309
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,747
- What bomb?
- That bomb right there!
310
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,150
It's not a bomb.
311
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,280
It's my rocket ship.
312
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,753
- What made you think I was building a bomb?
- I don't know-
313
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:47,264
uh, all the talk about how you wouldn't have
to put up with the scum of the earth anymore.
314
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:53,066
Yeah, 'cause I'm launching myself into
outer space in my man-made rocket ship.
315
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,663
Bomb?
316
00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:59,972
- What do you think, I'm crazy?
- L-I don't know how to answer that.
317
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,944
Wait a minute.
318
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:08,084
You actually thought
I was gonna set off a bomb.
319
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:10,849
And you ran toward the danger.
320
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:13,857
Yeah, I wondered about that myself
a few times while I was runnin'.
321
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:16,427
I mean, you could have
run to safety.
322
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,331
But instead you risked
your own life to-
323
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,197
to save other people?
324
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:27,602
Hey, you build rockets.
I run towards bombs.
325
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:30,607
Let-Let's just agree we're
both a little crazy, okay?
326
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,738
That was completely unselfish.
327
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,183
You are a good person.
328
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,353
I guess that means
everybody isn't scum.
329
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,593
Congratulations.
330
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,490
Think you won your bet.
331
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,099
[Earl Narrating]
It wasn't how I planned on doing it...
332
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,730
but I helped Lloyd regain his faith
that people can be good.
333
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:07,573
#Let us be lovers
We'll marry our fortunes together#
334
00:19:07,679 --> 00:19:11,342
Years ago, Lloyd thought I had opened
his eyes to all the bad in the world.
335
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,577
But really, I did something worse.
336
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:15,915
I made him close his eyes
to all of the good.
337
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:19,548
Both are all around. You just
have to decide which one to focus on.
338
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:24,561
Andjust like Lloyd, I realized I was only
seeing the bad in the people around me...
339
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,188
when I needed to be like Randy
and see the good.
340
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:31,395
Hey, Randy.
What are you guys talking about?
341
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,937
Cappy's telling us
about going to bingo night.
342
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:37,531
He almost had all the I's,
and then he almost had all the corners.
343
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:42,205
But then someone else called bingo.
So on the next game he started out with B-3.
344
00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:44,282
- Eh, B- B-7.
- B-7, I meant.
345
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,374
Hold on. I wanna come down
and hear all about it.
346
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,751
#Michigan seems
like a dream to me now #
347
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,617
[Earl Narrating]
Now that Lloyd could see the good in the world...
348
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,523
he finally took that cross-country trip
to see more of it.
349
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:59,096
# I've come to look for #
350
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,725
#America ##
351
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,292
And it turns out, all the work he did
on his rocket didn't go to waste.
352
00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:08,873
That's right!
My son's a scientifical genius.
353
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:11,465
That's why he won-
354
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,842
- The hell is this?
- A savings bond, Joy, in Dodge's name.
355
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,814
I was gonna tell you, but then I figured
you wouldn't go through with it...
356
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:20,043
and Dodge wouldn't get to have
this unearned feeling of success.
357
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:24,213
- What about my feelings?
- I thought about that too.
358
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,052
[Gasps]
359
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,058
Oh, my God.
360
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,459
It's a KayJewelers Jane Seymour
Open Hearts necklace!
361
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,963
[Gasps, Kisses]
362
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,500
Do you know how those diamonds
were formed?
363
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,797
Millions of years ago,
there were dinosaurs who died...
364
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,270
and the carbon in their bodies
was compressed-
365
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,433
Darnell, don't be
a turd in the sandbox.