1 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,469 Wakey, wakey, two days till my birthday cakey. 2 00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,546 Sleepy, sleepy, please shut up-y. 3 00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:15,910 - Did you get me a present yet? - Randy. 4 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,951 Randy. Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. 5 00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:22,385 Since I'm gonna be a little older in a few days... 6 00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:25,049 I'd like you to start callin' me by my proper name- Randolph. 7 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,821 - Your name's Randall. - It is? 8 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,896 Is that even a real name? 9 00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:35,229 I mean, Randolph's a name I've actually heard before... 10 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:38,065 like Randolph Hitler. 11 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,139 Randall sounds so weird. 12 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,732 I mean, Mom and Dad might as well have named me Pork Chop- 13 00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,811 Pork Chop Hickey. 14 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,880 Hey, I kind of like that. 15 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,279 - Earl, will you- - No, I will not. 16 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,910 I'll just make it my birthday wish then. 17 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,818 Randy, you can't say your wish, or it won't come true. 18 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,357 Damn it! 19 00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:01,427 Next year. 20 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,759 Good mornin', Earl. 21 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:09,596 Good mornin', Randy. 22 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:12,262 My name is Earl. 23 00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:19,111 [Earl Narrating] I'd put a lot of thought into Randy's birthday present this year... 24 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:21,180 and even though it was two days early... 25 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,681 it wasn't the kind of thing I could hide in the closet. 26 00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,116 - Nice ride, Earl. - Thanks. 27 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,916 - It's a birthday present for Randy. - Wow. 28 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,684 This is nicer than your car. 29 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:35,352 I know he's your brother, but I'd like to remind you that for my last birthday... 30 00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:37,930 you gave me a mug that said "Happy bat mitzvah." 31 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,625 I thought it meant "Happy birthday" in Spanish. 32 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:42,894 Besides, it's not just a birthday gift. 33 00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,970 I'm crossin' somethin' off the list. 34 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:49,167 Number 213- never let Randy have anything better than me. 35 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,766 [Earl Narrating] Our whole lives, whenever me and Randy got stuff... 36 00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:54,472 I always just took the better thing for myself. 37 00:01:57,717 --> 00:02:02,177 Randy, you'd look so cool in this thing. 38 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:05,189 - # You can't always trust a woman # - Whether it was stuff we stole- 39 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,316 Men wear these? 40 00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:11,557 - # You can't always trust your best friend # - Mm-hmm. 41 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:16,067 - or girls. - Sorry, I'm saving myself for marriage. 42 00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:18,296 I'm not. 43 00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:20,497 Uh, this one's mine. 44 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,700 Uhh- 45 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:26,176 So, uh, do you want to talk about the Lord? 46 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:28,179 All right. 47 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,342 Even when we moved into the motel. 48 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:37,920 Bad news, Randy. Your side's got a big bloodstain on it. 49 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,588 Randy deserves to finally get somethin' better than me, and he's always loved Rancheros. 50 00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:49,031 They're his favorite kind of car- and eggs. 51 00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,103 ## [Blues: Man Singing, Indistinct] 52 00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,543 - Hey, Randy- - Not now. 53 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,214 I bet this was more fun when they were alive. 54 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,943 It's not my fault. The water heats up under the lights. 55 00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:08,418 The good news is you can eat the crab right out of the prize slot. 56 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:13,015 I know it's two days early, but I got you a birthday present- really cool one. 57 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:17,790 So, a parkin' space. What made you think of that? 58 00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,127 Well, uh, I know how you're always jealous of handicapped people... 59 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,133 'cause they get their own spots. 60 00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:24,465 I can't believe someone stole it. 61 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,665 [Earl Narrating] There was a reason I was so surprised my car had been stolen. 62 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,436 In Camden County, there were only two rules: 63 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,603 Never snitch, and crooks don't steal from other crooks. 64 00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:39,416 - Earl? - [Groans] 65 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,783 Earl! 66 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,823 Creepy Rodney? What the hell, man? 67 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:47,722 I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't know it was you. 68 00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:50,318 - Man, I'm a jerk. - No biggie. 69 00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:53,126 When'd you start workin' with the rock? 70 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,066 - What happened to your knife? - Rocks are misdemeanors. 71 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,399 Good to know. 72 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,402 Come on, Joy. 73 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,168 I just want to know who's been stealin' cars around town. 74 00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:06,370 I'll tell you who's not stealin' cars- that dipstick who carjacked me. 75 00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:08,379 Found him sleepin' in the Brat. 76 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,473 Beat the snot out of him with that Razor scooter I'd been ridin' around on. 77 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,645 Long story short, got the Brat back, but the Razor scooter pulls to the left. 78 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:19,623 Look, I don't need to know who's not rippin' off cars. I need to know who is. 79 00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:22,490 Crap! Stole my bait. Fish are too damned smart. 80 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,530 I'm gonna have to dumb 'em down. 81 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,595 Babe, you're underminin' the spirit of the game. 82 00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:33,160 This ain't the Olympics, Darnell. It's a freakin' buffet. 83 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:37,767 Look, Earl, you were smart to come to me. I am excellent at solvin' mysteries. 84 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:43,008 Forty-five minutes into CSI, I always know what happened. So give me a little more info. 85 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:47,212 - The car was just stolen from the parking lot five minutes ago. - Was it a stick shift? 86 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,347 - No, automatic. - Hmm. On the column or on the floor? 87 00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:55,393 - Column. Why? - You're looking for Clyde Fowler and his little buddy Bed Bug. 88 00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:58,225 H-How can you possibly know that? 89 00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:01,892 Clyde and Bed Bug were in here this morning, sayin' they were lookin' to steal a car. 90 00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,060 Damn it, Darnell! I was mind-freakin' him! 91 00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:08,099 [Earl Narrating] I went way back with Clyde and Bed Bug. 92 00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:11,973 I knew 'em when they werejust Clyde and Clyde's friend from out of town. 93 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,647 Earl Hickey. Well, this is a blast from the past. 94 00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:19,217 Hey, how's that hot wife of yours? 95 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,755 Didn't she run off with some black dude, but you didn't do nothin'... 96 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,085 because you found Jesus or his grocery list or somethin'? 97 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:27,659 I made a list of all the things I've done wrong. 98 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,059 Was number one lettin' some black dude steal your woman? [Laughing] 99 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,962 Yeah. So, uh, anyway, fellas... 100 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:37,559 the reason I stopped by is that Ranchero there. 101 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,003 - Ain't she a beauty? - She sure is. 102 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,701 Here's the thing. The car is mine. 103 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,037 - You're kiddin' me. - Sorry. 104 00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:50,513 I hate to bring you down off what I'm sure was a real good stealin' high... 105 00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:55,644 but I should probably just, you know, take the car and get goin'. 106 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:58,451 Well, now-now-now, look. L- I hate to bring you down... 107 00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:03,427 from what must be a real good "I found my car" high, but- [Clears Throat] 108 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,463 You're not gettin' that Ranchero back. 109 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:08,295 What are you talkin' about, Clyde? It's me. 110 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:12,201 - Guys like us have a rule. - But you ain't guys like us no more. 111 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,968 You see, chief, nowadays you fall more in the, uh... 112 00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:19,533 civilian/victim column of the ledger. 113 00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:22,671 Look, I don't know what a ledger is, but I've paid my dues. 114 00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:25,444 And I'll be damned if you two losers are gonna keep my car! 115 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:29,647 - [Barks, Growls] - Well, I don't think Dubya likes your tone, Earl. 116 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:33,590 But we're reasonable people. 117 00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,752 You can have the car back. 118 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,763 - For $1,500. - [Laughing] 119 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,924 Hell, no! I'm not buyin' it back. 120 00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:43,160 We're takin' this problem to Mr. Wallace. 121 00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:45,071 [Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's oldest, toughest and most respected criminal. 122 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,437 [Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's oldest, toughest and most respected criminal. 123 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:51,169 So when two crooks had a beef, they went to him. 124 00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,768 He also worked part-time as a crossing guard for the health insurance. 125 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,680 Hold it, boys, hold it. I have a client. 126 00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:02,781 Okay, I've heard enough. Earl, you are no longer one of us. 127 00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:05,756 You want the car back, you'll have to pay. 128 00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:09,350 - Pay? That's bullcrap! - Hey, watch your language there! 129 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:13,228 And if you ever come to me again with a problem this small... 130 00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:15,300 I will shoot you in the face... 131 00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:20,202 and splatter your brains all over this crosswalk and everybody in it. 132 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,674 But not on you, sweetheart. 133 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,540 We wouldn't want to ruin that pretty little dress. Hmm? 134 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,675 [Earl Narrating] As soon as I paid up and got the car back... 135 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:35,481 I went straight over to the Crab Shack to give Randy his present A.S.A.P. 136 00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:40,321 I decided I wasn't gonna let those two dirtbags ruin what was gonna be a great birthday. 137 00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:44,260 Randy deserved this car, no matter what thejudge said about his driving. 138 00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:46,490 Didn't matter how much it cost me. 139 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,160 The look on his face was gonna make everything worth it. 140 00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:52,567 Hmm. 141 00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:56,836 - Uh, another parkin'space. - Son of a bitch. 142 00:07:56,943 --> 00:08:01,971 It's one thing not to be treated like a fellow criminal, but stealin' my car twice? 143 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,912 Now they're treatin' me like a punk. 144 00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:06,416 You are a punk, sittin' here complainin' like a little bitch. 145 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,919 The old Earl would just get drunk, go steal a city bus... 146 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,921 and drive it right through their kitchen. 147 00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:14,481 Of course, if you were the old Earl, they wouldn't have stolen your car in the first place. 148 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:17,529 True dat. Oh, what a tangled web we weave... 149 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,098 when first we practice to make a stupid-ass list. 150 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,827 I hate to say it, but if they're gonna treat me like a civilian... 151 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,869 I might have to act like one. 152 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,735 - [Bell Dinging] - I might have to go to the police. 153 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,332 Earl, you can't snitch. You know the order. 154 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,436 Regular people, fat people... 155 00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,447 cops, Al-Qaeda... 156 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,449 stuff you squeeze out of a zit... 157 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,451 and then snitches. 158 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:44,250 Well, then I don't know what to do. But I gotta get Randy's car back. 159 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:50,693 When did you move fat people above Al Qaeda and stuff inside a zit? 160 00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,232 Saw this thing on Dateline about thyroids. 161 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,528 Broke my heart. 162 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,865 [Earl Narrating] I was so mixed up, I went walkin'for hours. 163 00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:02,805 Before I knew it, I was near the police station. 164 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:05,377 But I still wasn't prepared to go in. 165 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,810 I had to work out all the pros and minuses. 166 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:11,577 Joy might be right about the code, but Clyde and Bed Bug said themselves... 167 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,584 I'm not one of'em anymore. 168 00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:15,745 But snitches are the lowest of the low. 169 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,050 Do I want to be known as that? No way. 170 00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:21,888 But why do I care what a bunch of lowlifes think of me? I don't. 171 00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:25,760 Ah, I'm lyin'. I do care. 172 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:29,767 But Randy deserves that car, and I'm gonna make sure he gets it. 173 00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,167 [Cooing] 174 00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,671 Thank you. 175 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:41,077 [Earl Narrating] In the end, the most important thing was gettin'Randy's car back. 176 00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,478 So what choice did I have? 177 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,313 So you car's been stolen. Man, that's the pits. 178 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,751 Well, sit down. We'll fill out some forms. 179 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:52,688 By the way, there's coffee and a Bundt cake in the break room if you're an emotional eater. 180 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,352 Guilty as charged, Your Honor. [Chuckles] 181 00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:59,192 Look, I was hopin' we could skip the forms, and I'd just tell you who did this... 182 00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:03,325 off the record, just between us, and... you can go get my car. 183 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,461 You know who did it? That's great. 184 00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:09,598 Findin' out who did it is the part of this job that I hate. Who was it? 185 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,512 Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug. 186 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,309 Wow, Earl. I never pegged you for a snitch. 187 00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,474 - I wasn't left with a lot of choices. - [Hand Thuds] 188 00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:21,883 - Well, you know what snitches get. - Their tongues cut out? 189 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,183 No. You get to pick a prize from our goody drawer. 190 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:28,386 We got anything you could want in here. We got candy, trinkets, novelties. 191 00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:33,830 - How about my self-respect? - Sure. We got comic books, pizza coupons, marijuana. 192 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,197 That's not supposed to be in here. 193 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,100 [Earl Narrating] I walked around for a while hatin'the fact that I snitched... 194 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,196 but what was done was done. 195 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:44,538 At least it was all over. 196 00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,350 Or maybe not. 197 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:04,093 I agree. It's probably got something to do with you snitching. 198 00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,721 Ooh! Earl, there's a present in the sink... 199 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,323 from either a very large dog or a very small man. 200 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,403 Well, Clyde's got one of each. 201 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,472 How the hell'd they find out about this? 202 00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:15,767 What are you lookin'at me for? I'm a trained professional. 203 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:19,106 I would never compromise the identity of a- 204 00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:21,611 Check that. I did it. 205 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:26,845 Hey, Nichols, looks like the contest for most arrests this month is over. 206 00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:31,184 Earl Hickey just fingered Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug for all those car thefts. 207 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:35,283 So it looks like I'm the one goin' to sunny Tallahassee. [Chuckles] 208 00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,955 - How do you spell "Hickey"? - Uh, it's H-l- 209 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,533 I gotta see the letters in front of me. Give it here. 210 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,302 - What did we do before texting? You ever think about that? - Hmm! 211 00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:50,341 Might as well just take you to Clyde's house so you can bring him in... 212 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,276 since they know I'm talkin' to the stupid cops now anyway. 213 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,610 Hey, watch the tone. I remind you, I'm the only one here with a gun. 214 00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:01,377 Oh, crap. Hope I left it in the cruiser. 215 00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,157 Where's my car, dirtbags? 216 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:09,819 Easy, Earl, easy. I'm the one with the badge. 217 00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:12,454 Oh, that too? I swear, it's like there's little gremlins around. 218 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,897 - Would you just ask 'em about the damn car? - Right. 219 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,969 Gentlemen, I'm gonna need you to tell me where you're keepin' the stolen Ranchero. 220 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:22,632 Stolen Ranchero? There's no stolen Ranchero here. 221 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,768 [Mexican Accent] Rancheros? We don't need no stinkin' Rancheros. 222 00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:28,312 [Laughs, Clears Throat] 223 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,577 - [Police Radio Chatter] - You gotta be kiddin'me. That's it? 224 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,745 What else can I do? The case has gone cold. These guys are crafty. 225 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,688 Crafty? The smartest guy in there was the dog. 226 00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:41,191 They're idiots who happened to know we were comin' ahead of time... 227 00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,261 because you're a horrible police officer. 228 00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:46,763 I know when people look at me all they see is the gun and the badge. 229 00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,528 - You don't even- - When I have them! 230 00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:53,731 But under this uniform is a human being with feelings, okay? 231 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,637 - [Clyde, Bed Bug Laughing] - [Earl Narrating] Gettin'laughed at did two things. 232 00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:58,869 It pissed me off and convinced me... 233 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:02,539 I had to steal their lowrider and trade it back for my Ranchero. 234 00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,548 Problem solved. 235 00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:08,916 Would you mind lookin' at me? We are in the middle of a conversation. 236 00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:12,149 - Fine. Just like my sister. - [Engine Starts] 237 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:16,091 [Earl Narrating] If I was gonna steal Clyde's lowrider, I needed help. 238 00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:19,892 Hey, Jasper, you know anyone who's good at hot-wiring a car? 239 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,967 I mean, not someone too expensive... 240 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,399 but maybe a college kid lookin' for their first break. 241 00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:28,371 I have no idea what you're talkin' about. I'm a legitimate businessman. 242 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,533 - [Coughs] Snitch. - What? 243 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,907 - [Coughs] Snitch. - Wait, wait. I don't know what- 244 00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:36,038 I'm sayin' "snitch," you stupid deaf tattletale! 245 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,982 Obviously, you talk a lot better than you hear. [Coughs] 246 00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:43,384 Great. Now my throat really is scratchy. Go to hell! 247 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,457 [Earl Narrating] When my room got tossed... 248 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,494 I was hopin'only Clyde and Bed Bug had found out about me talkin'to the cops. 249 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:53,554 But now thatJasper knew, I was wonderin'who else did. 250 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,965 - Hey, Creepy Rodney. - Snitch! 251 00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:59,594 Snitch! Snitch! 252 00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:01,605 Apparently everybody. 253 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,938 Heads up, Earl. Mr. Wallace is over there. 254 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,741 He offered Big Damon $50 to puncture your kidney with a pool cue. 255 00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:14,152 Maybe you should do your drinking someplace else for a while. 256 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:17,051 P.J. Stackers out on the interstate is nice. Duck! 257 00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,619 No pun intended, but that should be your cue. 258 00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:25,856 [Earl Narrating] I should've known this would've happened. 259 00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:30,265 - As soon as I helped out the other team, I got kicked off my own. - Hmm? 260 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:35,136 But even if everyone else turned on me, I knew I could always count on Randy. 261 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,574 Good news, Randy. We're goin' stealin'. 262 00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,770 Oh, my God, the stealin' bag! 263 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,043 [Inhales Deeply] And it still smells like crime. 264 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,949 That's right, Randy. It's gonna be like the good old days. 265 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:50,988 I can't tell you everything, 'cause it's kind of a tricky job... 266 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,581 - but we're stealin' a lowrider. - [TV: Cartoon Sound Effects] 267 00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:57,287 The first thing we have to deal with is a big dog. 268 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,591 So I crushed up a bunch of sleepin' pills... 269 00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:01,996 and put 'em in some peanut butter crackers. 270 00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:06,504 What'd you say about peanut butter, sleepy? [Snores] 271 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,842 Good night, Randy. 272 00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:12,843 [Snoring] 273 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,975 Since Randy ate the pills, I had to come up with a new plan. 274 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:22,247 Fortunately, like Clyde and Bed Bug, Dubya was a big drinker too. 275 00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,288 [Snoring] 276 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,630 I hadn't kept up on all the latest trade craft... 277 00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,825 but I figured hot-wirin'a car... 278 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,028 was like ridin'a bike or shopliftin'. 279 00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:40,605 - It'd come back to me. - [Grunts] 280 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:46,344 - [Horn Honking, Alarm Blaring] - It didn't. 281 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,572 #Cisco Kid was a friend of mine # 282 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:55,346 #Cisco Kid was a friend of mine # 283 00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,147 #He drink whiskey # 284 00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,954 - # Pancho'd drink the wine ## - [Grunts] 285 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,666 I just couldn't leave without takin' somethin'I could trade back to Clyde. 286 00:16:07,766 --> 00:16:11,532 And once again, I had to come up with a new plan. 287 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,537 [Siren Blaring] 288 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:17,268 [Hoyne] Pull the trash can to the side of the road and put your hands in the air. 289 00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:20,868 Hey there, Officer Hoyne. I was just takin' my garbage can out- 290 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,914 for a run. 291 00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:26,644 Save it, Earl. I've been stakin' this place out since you said I was such a bad cop. 292 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:30,916 Well, I'm not such a bad cop now, am I? I said put your hands in the air! 293 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:33,082 - [Snarling] - Stay! Oh, my God! 294 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:40,257 Look, just give me some info on somebody else, and you can go. 295 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,266 Fine. 296 00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:48,070 [Whispers] I know a lazy cop who didn't wash his hands when he used the bathroom. 297 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,336 That's very funny. For your information, I didn't touch anything. 298 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:54,378 Look, I'm not snitchin' again. Why would I give you more information? 299 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,778 It seems like the only person you ever arrest is me. 300 00:16:56,882 --> 00:17:01,581 Come on, Earl. There's lots of fun stuff in the goody drawer. 301 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:06,090 We got little yo-yos. We got jelly beans. Lip Smackers for the lady snitch. 302 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:09,558 And we got those little toys where you push the button and the guy falls down. 303 00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:11,629 Remember these? Huh? 304 00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:15,598 [Earl Narrating] I did remember those. I remembered all of those. 305 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,295 People could've gotten those prizes from anywhere... 306 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,965 - like a dentist's office or a clown's yard sale. - # Under my thumb # 307 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:25,271 But at this point I'd lost everything and was willing to roll the dice. 308 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,811 #The girl who once had me down # 309 00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,245 #Under my thumb # 310 00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:35,446 #The girl who once pushed me around # 311 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,920 - # It's down to me # - Okay. 312 00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,890 - I'm ready to talk. - Great. 313 00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,961 [Earl Narrating] So I gave him some information... 314 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,155 about who was muggin'people comin'out of the library. 315 00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:48,631 And if my hunch was right, the rest of the work would be done for me. 316 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,294 - Hey, hey, hey, felony? No! - ## [Continues, Indistinct] 317 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,394 - Rock is a misdemeanor. - Sorry. 318 00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:55,496 Rock got upgraded to a Class "A" weapon. 319 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:58,542 F. Y.I., a stick is still a misdemeanor... 320 00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:02,045 long as it's not too pointy and weighs less than your run-of-the-mill rock. 321 00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:06,208 Wait! I'll talk. You know I always have good information. 322 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,286 Joy Turner shoplifts from the Bargain Bag... 323 00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:11,117 every time the security guard does his afternoon dialysis. 324 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,191 [Earl Narrating] Just like dominoes... 325 00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:15,487 as soon as one was pushed, the rest started fallin'. 326 00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:19,121 This is redonkulous. I was wearin' 10 pair of panties when I walked into that store. 327 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,836 Uh, hold up. Jasper Murphy tried to sell me a Chinese baby the other day. 328 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,634 Man, of course I know their names, man. These are my children. 329 00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:33,040 Uh, that one's Yao Ming, and- and this one's, uh, General Tso... 330 00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:36,205 - and-and this little guy's, uh, um, Hitachi. - [Cooing] 331 00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,643 Okay, okay. Clyde and Bed Bug don'tjust steal cars. 332 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,550 [Earl Narrating] Turns out a chain is only as strong as its weakest link... 333 00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:47,955 and the chain of criminals in Camden County were all weak links. 334 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:51,587 I found out when push came to shove, everybody was a snitch. 335 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,790 But even better, they found out that I knew. 336 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:56,026 Hey, Rodney. 337 00:18:56,135 --> 00:19:01,471 Turns out criminals snitchin'on criminals was the oldest game in Camden. 338 00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:04,303 - [Clears Throat] Snitch. - Everybody played. 339 00:19:04,409 --> 00:19:07,344 [Earl] New flavor of Lip Smackers, Joy? 340 00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:11,011 What, now you're a snitch and a spy? 341 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,676 You oughta be ashamed. 342 00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:16,117 [Earl Narrating] Even the hall-of-famers. 343 00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:21,324 Well, well. Mr. Wallace. 344 00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:24,156 I see you took the yo-yo over the fake teeth. 345 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:28,529 Which is surprising, since it seems like you've become very chatty. 346 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,534 Fine, you got me. 347 00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:35,039 I've been in the game 70 years, and I'm not lettin' a punk like you take me down. 348 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:38,075 How about I give you the same deal I gave Frankie Avalon? 349 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,340 I'll make you a star. Ever want to make a record? 350 00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:44,279 I got somethin'else in mind. 351 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,510 [Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace still had a lot ofjuice... 352 00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:50,110 - 'cause by the next morning I had Randy's present back. - Look what I got you. 353 00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,225 I already had her. Not great. 354 00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,557 Not me, jerk. The car. 355 00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:01,599 For me? But this car is better than yours. 356 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,999 That's the point. Happy birthday, Randy. 357 00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,864 Or if it makes you uncomfortable, we could trade. 358 00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:18,443 - Thanks again, Earl. - You're welcome, Pork Chop.