1
00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,662
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:09,435
[Earl Narrating] They say in Camden County
a crime is committed every seven minutes.
3
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:13,876
Unfortunately forJoy, it had been
six minutes and 57 seconds.
4
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,750
The hell? This ain't a bus.
5
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,376
You're getting carjacked.
Get out.
6
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:25,015
Fine. But carjackin' a red, white and blue Brat
is like spittin' on the American flag.
7
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,888
Least let me get my nuggets.
8
00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:29,962
Oh, snap!
My hand snapped!
9
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:34,064
Hey, Earl, have you heard
that if you can tear...
10
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:37,295
the label off your beer in one piece,
it means you're not a virgin?
11
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- Willie the mailman was talkin' about it.
- I hadn't heard that.
12
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Guess it's true.
13
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- What? I've had sex, you stupid beer!
- [Tires Screeching]
14
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[Joy]
Stop the Brat! Holy God!
15
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[Grunts]
16
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:03,621
Damn it.
17
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That was the best stunt
I've seen since SweetJohnny.
18
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,535
SweetJohnny.
19
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[Earl Narrating] SweetJohnny was
number 7 on my list...
20
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and one of the things
I felt the worst about.
21
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SweetJohnny got his name because
he was the sweetest guy anyone knew.
22
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But also because he was a stuntman
and did some sweet stunts.
23
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[Grunts]
24
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His stunts were impressive...
25
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but I was even more impressed
with his girlfriend, Sheila.
26
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So, the doctor says you're gonna
be laid up for a couple days, huh?
27
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Yeah, but it was worth it.
28
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'Cause that stunt SweetJohnny
just pulled off was swe-e-et! [Coughs]
29
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- Okay.
- Oh, God.
30
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Well, hang in there, buddy.
31
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[Earl Narrating] So this time when Johnny
got hurt, I decided to make my move.
32
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Well, there's a back porch
I could spend an afternoon on.
33
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Yeah. Nice, ain't it? Reach out
and grab a slice of that butt-cake.
34
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- [Imitates Honking]
- [Laughs]
35
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[Earl Narrating] I knew if I wanted
to keep foolin'around with Sheila...
36
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I had to keepJohnny out of the way,
so I came up with a plan.
37
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- The Doomsday Chair, huh?
- Yep. Saw it as a kid on That's Incredible.
38
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You sit on the chair. When the seat blows up,
it throws you 20 feet in the air.
39
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But I was thinkin', you make the whole chair
out ofT.N.T., you'll go even higher.
40
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Yeah.
Forty feet in the air.
41
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SweetJohnny's gonna fly!
Whoo!
42
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[Earl Narrating] I knew I was doin'wrong, but
a great heinie can make a man do crazy things.
43
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- SweetJohnny!
- Or make a man make a man do crazy things.
44
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- Is that it?
- [Girl] Oh, no!
45
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[Bystanders Chattering]
46
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[Earl Narrating] It didn't take me long
to realize the worseJohnny got hurt...
47
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,818
the more time I got
in his van with Sheila.
48
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I don't remember how many stunts
I convinced him to do, but it was a lot.
49
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- Like the human speed bump.
- # Love hurts #
50
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:19,721
- And the simple yet extremely
unpredictable rocket unicycle.
- # Love scars #
51
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:24,269
But by the time I talked him into the human
wrecking ball, I'd started to feel bad.
52
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- # And marks any heart #
- [Crowd Cheering]
53
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SweetJohnny!
54
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#Not tough or strong #
55
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I'm sorry.
56
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- # Enough #
- I can't do this anymore.
57
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- # To take a lot of pain #
- Yeah. This is some sick stuff.
58
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#I learned from you #
59
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- # I really learned a lot #
- [Imitates Honking]
60
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:55,799
#Really learned a lot
But love is like a flame #
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SweetJohnny!
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[Crowd]
Oh!
63
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- [Man] Shake it off, Johnny. Shake it off.
- # Ooh, love hurts ##
64
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,405
I gotta find SweetJohnny.
You want to come?
65
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,608
No, you go ahead.
Drop me off at the Crab Shack.
66
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:15,017
I'm gonna get another beer
and prove to it I'm not a virgin.
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By doin' the label thing,
not puttin' my wiener in it.
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Just want to be clear.
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[Earl Narrating]
I hadn't heard anything aboutJohnny for a while...
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00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,103
so I was afraid
he'd be hard to find.
71
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,978
But it ends up he was livin'
in the same house.
72
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:45,675
Hey, SweetJohnny.
73
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,556
Earl Hickey! Wassup?
74
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,591
[Laughs]
75
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Wassup... with you?
76
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,627
Oh, nothin'.
I'm just preparin' for a stunt.
77
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I'm gonna attach this chair
to two weather balloons...
78
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:03,829
float as high as the planes fly,
high-five God...
79
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,905
then jump off, use this parachute
to float sweetly back down to Earth.
80
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:10,032
SweetJohnny!
[Chuckles]
81
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:14,671
Look, Johnny, uh, I came here
to confess something.
82
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All that time I was convincing you
to do crazy stunts...
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00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:22,320
I was doin' it to get you hurt
so I could sleep with Sheila.
84
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,390
You slept with Sheila?
85
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:29,755
Why would you do that?
Why-Why would she do that?
86
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:34,492
She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.
87
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,661
L-l-I am, and l-I feel really bad
and want to make it up to you.
88
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You son of a bitch!
89
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[Screams]
Johnny, just give me a chance, man!
90
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[Earl Narrating]
I have a rule of thumb with the list.
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00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:50,243
If someone pulls a weapon,
I give 'em time to cool off.
92
00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:57,685
Baby, are these socks thicker
than my regular socks? I feel taller.
93
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:01,248
- Where did you get a gun?
- At that Indian dude's garage sale.
94
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,296
Got you a tank top too.
It says "Whitey Off the Rez"...
95
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,888
but I figured since you're black,
you could get away with it.
96
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,763
You know how I feel about guns.
No good can come from having one.
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Yeah? Well, if I had this yesterday,
we'd still have our car...
98
00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:15,569
and you wouldn't be goin'
to work ridin' bitch on Fernando's bicycle.
99
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,939
No, if you had that yesterday,
there would have been a shoot-out.
100
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,569
The inside of the Brat would've looked
like someone turned on a blender.
101
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,648
You're steppin' on
my First Amendment rights.
102
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,210
Freedom of speech
is the First Amendment.
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And nothin' speaks
louder than this.
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00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,753
[Earl]
SweetJohnny?
105
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,918
[Earl Narrating] I gaveJohnny
a night to sleep on it, then went back.
106
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:38,087
Earl Hickey. Wassup?
107
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,995
- [Laughs]
- Uh, hey, uh, I'm back.
108
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Just checkin' to see if you've cooled down
since I was here yesterday.
109
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,300
Yesterday?
110
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,604
Yesterday I was in Nathanville with Sheila
pickin' up helium for my next big stunt.
111
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:54,271
Oh, you're gonna love this. I'm gonna
attach this chair to some weather balloons...
112
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:58,111
float up to where the planes fly,
high-five God...
113
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then jump back down
with this parachute-
114
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,945
H-Hold on. I feel like
I caught that French disease...
115
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:06,286
that makes things
happen to you twice.
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You don't remember me, uh, comin' by yesterday
and tellin' you I slept with Sheila?
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You-You slept with Sheila?
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Why would you do that?
119
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Why-Why would she do that?
120
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She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.
121
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- You son of a bitch!
- [Screams]
122
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[Earl Narrating]Johnny had always been
unpredictable, but now hejust seemed weird.
123
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:32,983
If I was gonna cross him off my list,
I was gonna have to find out why.
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The next day,
I tracked down Sheila...
125
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:42,819
hopin'she might know why
SweetJohnny was acting so strange.
126
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:44,624
Sheila? That you?
127
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:48,393
Earl Hickey? I haven't
seen you for years! Hold on.
128
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:52,301
I'll be right there.
129
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:56,239
Oh, damn people.
Parkin' too close together.
130
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:03,977
Oh, yeah. Baby got a little
bigger downstairs.
131
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:08,816
But she still remembers you. You want to give it
a little squeeze for old time's sake?
132
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,216
- [Weakly Imitates Honking]
- [Laughs]
133
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,261
So what you doin'
in Mount Trace?
134
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,330
Actually, I was, uh,
lookin' for you.
135
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:21,525
I need to ask you somethin'
about SweetJohnny.
136
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:25,502
I talked to him yesterday,
and he seemed kinda "forget-y."
137
00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:29,439
Oh, you don't know about the accident?
About the brain damage?
138
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:32,807
[Earl Narrating] Turns out even though
I'd putJohnny in danger a bunch of times...
139
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:36,348
it was somethin'he did on his own
that ended up hurtin'him permanently.
140
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,940
Whoa!
141
00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,713
He hurt his brain so bad,
he can't make new memories.
142
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:45,757
Whenever he falls asleep, he wakes up
thinkin' it is the day before his big stunt.
143
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,883
He's got no idea
it's 10 years later?
144
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:50,189
Mm-mmm.
He never leaves the house.
145
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,322
He just goes to that garage
and works on that chair.
146
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:55,923
I stayed with him
for a couple of years.
147
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,799
But he got hurt the summer that
song "La Vida Loca" was big.
148
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:02,864
If I heard him sing it one more time,
I was gonna drown him in the tub.
149
00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:07,207
I know what that's like.
Randy got really into that song for a while.
150
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,577
It's the only time
I ever spanked him.
151
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:13,948
I guess that explains why he didn't remember
me tellin' him about us sleepin' together.
152
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,078
What the hell did you do that for?
153
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:20,682
- Because it was a bad thing,
and I need to make up for it.
- Earl, sure we did wrong.
154
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:24,285
But the way that I look at it, we got
a get-out-of-jail-free card.
155
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:28,390
Oh, nice. Someone just parked
illegal cross the street. Be right back.
156
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,767
[Car Alarm Wailing]
157
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,610
I'm ignoring you, Darnell.
158
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:44,411
All I see is Charlie Brown fallin' while
that bitch pulls the football away again.
159
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:47,816
Tell you what. If Chuck was packin',
people would stop messin' with him.
160
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:51,823
I don't get it.
I'm not a virgin.
161
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:56,122
Does sex not count with daytime
hookers, illegal aliens or 60-year-olds?
162
00:09:56,228 --> 00:09:59,527
I don't know how I'm gonna cross Johnny
off my list in one day.
163
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,862
He's so pissed when
I tell him what I did...
164
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,596
I can't even get to the apologizing
and making it up to him part.
165
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:09,164
[Grunts] There's another staple.
That makes six.
166
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,005
I don't know why you just don't skip him
and go to another item.
167
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,740
It's not like you're gonna live long enough
to actually finish that list anyway.
168
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:18,976
Wrong. Earl promised me
he'd live forever.
169
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,985
I'm gonna finish the list.
170
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:25,217
Besides, once I start thinkin' about somethin',
I need to cross it off so I can forget about it.
171
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:27,451
Otherwise, it'll just nag at me.
172
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,051
- [Loud Clatter]
- Everybody freeze!
173
00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,325
[Guns Cocking]
174
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:39,799
People, it was a pool cue.
Put the guns away.
175
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:44,268
- What the hell, Joy?
- Oh, stop bein' a wuss.
176
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,244
- If that had been a robber,
I would've saved the day.
- [Gunshot]
177
00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:48,836
[All Gasp]
178
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:54,085
It's all right, everybody.
Just grazed my booby.
179
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:57,713
[Earl Narrating] I realized I had no choice
but to giveJohnny another try.
180
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,348
- And this time, I had protection.
- SweetJohnny?
181
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:05,055
- Earl Hickey. Wassup?
- I slept with Sheila and made
you do dangerous stunts...
182
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,530
so you'd get hurt
and I could bang her in your van.
183
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:09,328
You son of a bitch!
184
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:13,701
So I decided to wait out his anger,
hopin'he'd work his way through it.
185
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,866
And it didn't occur to me
he might change weapons.
186
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,870
- But eventually, he got to where he could listen.
- [Grunts]
187
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,950
Look, I know you're upset.
188
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:29,215
I'm really sorry for what I did,
but I want to make it up to you.
189
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:32,449
- So what can I do?
- I'm goin' to talk to Sheila.
190
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:35,721
Hold on! That-That's not a good idea.
There's somethin' you don't know.
191
00:11:35,828 --> 00:11:41,266
See, you got this brain injury. When you go to
sleep, you wake up thinkin' it's the same day.
192
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,701
- You've been doin' it for 10 years.
- Ten years? That's crazy.
193
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,569
I don't know what kind of trick
you're tryin' to pull on SweetJohnny...
194
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:51,234
but it's decidedly unsweet.
195
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:59,714
SweetJohnny? Earl, what the hell
did you bring him here for?
196
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,446
Sorry, but he wanted to see you.
197
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,921
You idiot. He is not gonna remember
any of this in the mornin'.
198
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,993
Baby, tell me you didn't
cheat on SweetJohnny.
199
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:11,063
Sweetness, there's nothin'
for you to get upset about.
200
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:14,758
Let's just get you back home
so you can get ready for your big-
201
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,631
Ass! Oh, God!
202
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,637
What happened to your ass?
203
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,266
- You know I got that lazy thyroid.
- But it's huge.
204
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:28,005
It's like 10 years of
ass growth since yesterday.
205
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:32,175
Oh, God, it's true!
It is 10 years later.
206
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:35,151
Oh, why?
207
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,518
[Screams, Grunts]
208
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:44,224
So now you see my problem. I gotta make this up
to you in one day, before you go to sleep.
209
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:49,131
So if we could just talk-
Johnny! Wait.
210
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,202
Johnny, what do ya got there?
211
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:58,299
Is that generic nighttime sniffling,
sneezing, coughing, aching, fever...
212
00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:00,378
the-best-sleep-you-ever-got-
with-a-cold medicine?
213
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:03,971
Johnny, don't do it! Don't go to sleep!
You'll forget everything!
214
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,713
That's the point, Earl.
I just want this day to end.
215
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:20,896
- Darnell, have you seen my gun?
- Maybe the boys brought it to school.
216
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,492
They mentioned somethin'
about bein' alienated and disillusioned.
217
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:28,198
Are you tryin' to make some kind of point?
You know I don't like points, Darnell.
218
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,775
I'm just sayin',
it's a shame you lost it.
219
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,970
Today, the cops are havin'
that Guns For Hams exchange.
220
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:43,748
Damn you! How am I supposed to protect
my family with a honey-glaze ham?
221
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,290
[Earl Narrating]
The next day, I got back to work on Johnny.
222
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:50,590
But since I knew what I was dealin'with,
I was able to get things done a little faster.
223
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,664
Earl Hickey. Wassup?
224
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,427
- I told him what I had done.
- I thought you were my friend.
225
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:59,026
I let him work out his rage.
I told him about his brain problems.
226
00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:01,436
This is crazy.
I'm gonna go talk to Sheila.
227
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:04,941
- Took him to see Sheila.
- Sheila, tell me all this isn't true.
228
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,502
- Oh, hell, not again.
- Oh, my God!
229
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:12,175
- I'm really enjoying this, Earl.
- No get-out-of-jail-free cards.
230
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:16,414
[Earl Narrating] And I took him home.
But this time, I came prepared.
231
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,527
- Get away from me, you devil!
- Calm down, Johnny.
232
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,721
- Get away from me, you devil!
- Calm down, Johnny.
233
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,092
I'm gonna get you through this.
234
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,688
Eventually, I discovered
all Johnny needed were some kind words...
235
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,893
once sung by
a handsome Cuban man.
236
00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:32,903
[Earl]
#Upside, inside out #
237
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,599
# Livin' la vida loca #
238
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,144
# She'll push and pull you out #
239
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:42,908
# Her skin's the color of mocha #
240
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:47,315
# Livin' la vida loca ##
241
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,114
Feelin' better, buddy?
242
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,713
So it's just like that movie
Groundhog Day here.
243
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,692
But instead of Andie MacDowell,
I got a cheatin' ex-girlfriend...
244
00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:58,126
with a big, fat dumper...
245
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:01,495
and I never get to do my stunt.
246
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,625
Afraid so.
247
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,265
I guess than that's what
you can do for me, Earl.
248
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,037
You can help me
do that BASE jump.
249
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:14,044
Really?
250
00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,614
Do you think we could
pull it off right now?
251
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:19,548
'Cause we kinda
need to do it today.
252
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:22,382
I got everything ready out back.
253
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:27,289
Apparently I've double-checked
it all 3,654 times.
254
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,418
All right then. Let's jump!
255
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:32,520
I'm gonna call the Crab Shack
and tell people you're doin' a stunt.
256
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,862
Everybody's gonna be leavin' soon anyway
'cause Happy Half-Hour's almost over.
257
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:38,698
This is great.
Give me a "SweetJohnny."
258
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,136
[Snoring]
259
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,640
[Earl Narrating]
So we went through it one last time.
260
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:46,176
- Wassup?
- # Round and round #
261
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,042
#With love we'll find a way
Just give it time #
262
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,776
[Groans]
263
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,148
#Round and round #
264
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:56,278
- # What comes around goes around #
All right then. Let's jump.
265
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,720
#I'll tell you why ##
266
00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,724
Look alive.
267
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:03,920
[Earl Narrating] At last, the stuntJohnny had
waited 10 years to do was ready.
268
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:07,487
Greetings, people of Camden
and what's left of the SweetJohnny Fan Club.
269
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:09,863
- Whoo!
- [People Cheering]
270
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,199
I love you, Johnny! Whoo!
271
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,671
Thanks, Paul.
[Clears Throat]
272
00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:20,404
Well, I'm gonna take this chair, and
I'm gonna fly, and then I'm gonna jump off.
273
00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:23,913
And if, uh,
Lady Gravity does her job...
274
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:26,211
you're gonna see a stunt
that you'll never forget.
275
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,912
I'll never forget you, Johnny!
276
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,854
- Whoo! [Laughs]
- Thanks again, Paul.
277
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:35,723
Just dial it down a notch, bro.
All right.
278
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,023
- SweetJohnny!
- [Earl Narrating] I felt good.
279
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:41,327
I was only a few minutes from bein'able
to cross SweetJohnny off my list...
280
00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:44,925
and put what I had done to him
behind me forever.
281
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:48,029
[Earl]
What the-
282
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:52,237
Johnny!
Forgot your parachute.
283
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:56,036
- What the hell are you doin'?
- Endin' it.
284
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:59,083
If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass,
I don't want to go on.
285
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,550
You-You can't kill yourself.
286
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:04,213
Watch me. SweetJohnny!
287
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:07,918
Wait, wait. Johnny!
What are you doin'? Help!
288
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,791
- Let go!
- SweetJohnny, what are you doin'?
289
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,796
[Earl Screams]
290
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,526
Help! Somebody, get me down!
291
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,864
Get me down! Help!
292
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:24,104
Oh, my God! I did it!
The bottle says I'm not a virgin! I knew it!
293
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,576
Look, Randy.
They're gonna die!
294
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:29,579
- [Screams]
- [Bottle Smashes]
295
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:32,241
[Screaming]
296
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:36,048
If I still had my gun, I could shoot out
a balloon and save those idiots.
297
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,521
- Joy, now's not the time.
- You still can't admit that sometime, somewhere...
298
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,592
there's a good reason
to have a gun, can you?
299
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,455
- Joy-
- Admit it, Darnell.
300
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,689
Yes, I admit it. When two men are floating away
in a lawn chair tied to big balloons...
301
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,063
and one of them has left his parachute behind,
that might be an okay time to have a gun.
302
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,102
Thank you.
303
00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:57,235
- [Earl Screaming]
- This is America.
You didn't think I could get another one?
304
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,571
[Groans]
305
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:07,641
- Is anybody dead?
- He's knocked out, but breathing.
306
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,086
Well, Darnell,
looks like the gun saved the day.
307
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:14,421
- I think maybe it's time you reconsidered-
- [Gunshot]
308
00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:16,790
[All Gasp]
309
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:24,600
It's okay, everybody. Just grazed my stinker.
[Chuckles]
310
00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:31,772
- I thought my stunt was tomorrow.
- [Man] Oh, he's okay.
311
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:36,339
Hey, everybody. Wassup?
312
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:38,641
[Earl Narrating]
It took Johnny tryin'to commit suicide...
313
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:40,650
for me to see how selfish I had been...
314
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,984
and how I was really only tryin'to make
me feel better by crossin'Johnny off the list.
315
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:50,289
- Hey, SweetJohnny.
- Earl Hickey. Wassup?
316
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,235
All right, easy on the squeezie.
317
00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:01,636
I just want you to know somethin'.
318
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:04,231
I really like you, and I'm sorry.
319
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:08,109
Well, thanks, Earl. But there's no reason
for bein' sorry for likin' SweetJohnny.
320
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,478
SweetJohnny likes you too.
Hey, you mind helpin' me out?
321
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:15,519
Some kids must've broke in here
last night and messed up my stunt chair.
322
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:18,419
Must've kicked my ass
while I was sleepin' too.
323
00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,357
Somehow, I bit halfway
through my tongue, the little bastards.
324
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,985
[Earl Narrating]
For the first time since I started doin'my list...
325
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,394
I wasn't gonna be able
to cross somebody off.
326
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,762
I was gonna have
tojust let it nag at me.
327
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:33,531
But sinceJohnny was never gonna remember,
it felt right that someone never forget.
328
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:40,009
Are you just gonna stand there, or are you
gonna help me? I got a big stunt tomorrow.
329
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:43,047
I know. I can't wait.
330
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,776
SweetJohnny!