[Randy] No, Earl. You're not listening. I never said "instead of."
You'd still have your regular hands...
but you'd also have robot hands.
Okay, fine. Yes, and with robot hands, you could open beers faster.
Thank you. Geez.
- Oh, wow. Look, a hat. - Randy, wait!
[Earl Narrating] Every now and then, Randy found a new hat-
which brought the unwelcome addition oflice...
and a new personality.
[Mexican Accent] Let's go get some chicken wings!
[Imitating John Wayne] Howdy, pilgrim.
Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my home-Earl?
But Randy hadn't found a hat in a while...
and I was hopin'this time would be different.
- Hey, Earl. - Yeah?
Wouldst thou fancy a beer? I certainly shall.
- Son of a bitch. - Don't dally.
My name is Earl.
Darnell, I do believe I'll have a beer- in a glass.
And you know what, why don't we throw a cherry on top.
Thank you, my fine sir.
Oh, so suave.
Casablanca.
They don't watch black-and-white movies...
'cause it reminds them too much of newspapers.
They don't watch black-and-white movies...
because it reminds whom too much of newspapers.
Now, if you'll excuse me, therefore, what for...
wherewithal, henceforth, English muffins.
[Sighs]
I seen the giant pig! I seen Pigsquatch!
[Earl Narrating] There was a legend of a giant pig...
that lived in the woods near the trailer park.
Nobody sober had ever actually seen it-
- [Grunting, Squealing] - [Gasps] Pigsquatch!
- until Joy. - Pigsquatch.
You sure the neighbor didn't just wheel his shut-in mom out to the yard to hose her off?
I think I know the difference between a prehistoric pig and Jumbo Sally.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna catch him.
Joy, what would you do with a giant pig?
Make a damn fortune. Tourists pay good money to see giant stuff.
World's biggest Slinky. World's biggest staircase-
which is next to the world's biggest Slinky.
Even me and this idiot paid 10 bucks each to see the world's biggest anthill.
Remember that- when we took that R.V. Trip?
[Earl Narrating] I did remember.
'Cause that R. V. Trip she was talking about was number 47 on my list.
A while back, the kids were mistakenly detained by Child Protective Services.
Since we knew they were in good hands...
we decided we wanted to go on vacation.
- So we stole one. - [Engine Starts]
#And when I wanna go home I'm goin'mobile #
And we discovered we hadn't just stole a vacation...
we stole a whole new lifestyle.
Check it out.
These R.V. People have special glasses just for wine.
Wow. It looks like it's on stilts.
That's really smart. It's closer to your mouth so you can drink it faster.
Man, R.V.'s are so much better than trailers.
When a twister's comin', you can just drive away...
instead of just sittin' in your bathtub with a pillow over your head like a chump.
- [Chuckles] I ain't ever goin' back. - Don't have to.
We're R.V. People now, thanks to this baby.
It's gonna be stilt glasses, cup holders on the walls...
and tables that turn into beds from now on.
Cheers to hittin' the freakin'jackpot.
[Sighs] Randy, did you turn off the stove when you were finished cookin' the Helper?
Yeah. I mean, my hands were full, so I blew it out.
Lfigured, "What's the worst that could happen?"
Now we know.
[Earl Narrating] Andjust like that, our R. V.'ing days were over.
Luckily, the guy we stole it from was living in the same spot, just without wheels.
There's gotta be something I can do for you-
get you a new R.V., find you a new place to live.
I don't want nothin'. Just leave me alone...
and let me sit here and wait to die.
But I gotta cross you off my list.
You wanna cross me off your list...
just pump me full of morphine and beat me over the head with that rake till I'm dead.
[Earl Narrating] I wasn't gonna kill the guy, but I wasn't gonna do nothing either.
So I decided to watch him and see if I came up with any ideas.
- ## [Cowbell] - # All our times have come #
And I found out he wasn't lying.
- # Here but now they're gone # - He was just waiting to die.
#Seasons don't fear the reaper#
#Nor do the wind and the sun and the rain We can be like they are #
- [Thunder Rumbling] - While I still didn't know what I was supposed to do to help him...
at least I figured out a place to start.
Mornin', Jerry. I'm here to fix your roo-
#We'll be able to fly Don't fear the reaper##
- Sorry. - Doesn't matter.
While I was fixin'Jerry's roof...
Joy was gettin'started on her get-rich-quick pig plan.
- Baby, the boys are hungry. Where's the bacon? - On the end of this string.
Soon as Pigsquatch gets a whiff of it...
I'm gonna pull the string, lure him to me...
and then knock him out with a baseball bat- kablam!
You can't catch a pig with bacon.
That's like trying to catch a cow with a cheeseburger.
Darnell, I'm hearin' a lot of"no" and "can't" from you right now.
If you're not gonna get with the pig-catchin' program, shut the hell up.
All I'm sayin' is the boys are drinking Tom Collins mix for breakfast.
We can't send 'em to school like that.
- [Loud Grunt] - Jesus!
## [Radio: Country]
[Earl Narrating] Although I'd spent the morning fixing Jerry's roof...
I couldn't help feeling that I still hadn't done enough.
- [Changing Stations] - At least it shouldn't rain on you anymore, huh?
Let me get that for you.
## [Radio: Folk, Up-tempo]
[Changing Stations]
- [Changing Stations] - Wait. R-Randy, go back a station.
## [Folk, Up-tempo]
Jerry, you-you're movin'. You like that jug music?
Love the jug.
It's the easiest instrument to learn...
hardest to master.
Actually, that's not true.
Hell, in a good wind, it actually plays itself.
You could be dead for all that jug cares.
I miss my jug.
Used to have one before you blew it up in that R.V. Fire...
you jackass.
[Earl Narrating] It still didn't seem like it made up for burning an R. V...
but at least fixing his roof and getting him a jug were better than doing nothin'.
Oh. That is a beauty.
Brings back good memories, huh?
Oh, yeah.
My R.V. Was filled with memories.
Doohickeys, things from my past- you know, "momentos."
Yep. The Freshmaker.
Well, that's what I can do to make up to you, Jerry-
find some way to replace the things that got burned up in your R.V.
- What other stuff did you have in there? - My dead wife.
No, I don't think so. We probably would've remembered a dead wife.
No. Pictures of her.
I had pictures of her all over the wall.
Yeah, l- I met her when I first came back from the war in Korea.
Those pictures kinda made me feel like her arms were around me.
This was her song- "Moonlight Sonata."
## [Single Note]
## [Repeating Same Note]
## [Same, Long Note]
And that, gentlemen, will get you laid.
[Earl Narrating] I didn't know how to replace pictures ofJerry's dead wife...
but ifhe needed some arms around him, I had an idea where to go.
That's a good one.
My favorite is still the one where you're riding it sidesaddle.
Acting ladylike on a giant pig- That makes me laugh.
Just keep takin' pictures before this thing wakes up.
Holy crap! You caught Pigsquatch?
- How'd you do it? - Put a bunch of sleeping pills in a bucket of slop-
basically the pig version of how I got you to marry me.
Nice. Listen, do you still have that Real Doll...
you bought to make Darnell think you were in bed...
when you ran to Mexico to avoid the cops...
but got caught by Dog, the bounty hunter, went on trial...
and I went to prison for it, then got out, got hit by a car...
and went into a coma where I thought I was livin' in a sitcom world?
- Yeah. - Can I take her? It's for a good cause.
I don't know. Me and Darnell still use her sometimes on date night.
Boys, Mommy and Daddy are goin' out.
Aunt Gretchen's here to babysit.
And if I were you, I'd stay in your room, 'cause she brought her paddle.
Okay, baby, let's go eat some shrimps.
You know what- if you want her, you can have her.
Caught Darnell takin' a bath with her the other day.
Says he was washing her. I have my doubts.
Thanks, Joy.
Joy, come here. Does this pig look funny to you?
All pigs look funny to me, Darnell.
Porky, Petunia, Miss Piggy- hilarious.
No, I mean in that it's not breathing. He's dead.
And I don't think anybody's gonna pay to see a dead pig.
He's not dead. He's just sleeping.
Oh, hell. I only gave him 50 pills.
My mama used to take that many every Friday night and wash it down with a gin Rickey...
and wake up the next morning feeling fresh as a daisy to do her paper route.
Damn lightweight.
- ## [Note Repeating] - [Earl Narrating] Once I got the Real Doll from Joy...
me and Randy gave it a makeover and changed it into a Real Old Doll.
Hey, Jerry, check it out. Arms to put around you.
What good is a plastic mannequin gonna do me?
Give it a shot.
Can you make the hug tighter?
[Earl Narrating] After he got the doll...
Jerry started thinking about more things from his trailer that he wanted us to replace-
[Chuckling] Hey, did you have fun?
Like his old animal heads.
#I'm alive #
And the more stuff we replaced, like his old hunting equipment...
the more alive he became.
By the time we tracked down an exact replica ofhis Special Forces uniform...
he was a new man.
#Is this really me ##
And he was feelin'so good, he even wanted to go out for a drink.
[Laughing]
Oh, there's one more thing I need. It's a pendant.
There's only one other like it in the whole wide world.
An old army buddy of mine has it...
and I would like to go with you to get it.
- That's the spirit. - Yes. Hip, hip. Cheerios. Harry Potter.
[Laughing] Huh?
[Earl Narrating] I was feeling good.
I hadn't given up on Jerry, and it paid off.
I really felt like I brought a man back to life.
According to the V.F.W., this is the place.
Oh, I wanna thank you, Earl.
All I wanted to do was die. Now look at me.
I got my stuff back. I got my plastic wife to hug.
And now I'm gonna cut this jackass's ear off.
I can't thank you enough, Earl.
Did you say cut off his ear?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're gonna cut off your army buddy's ear?
Yeah. That's what the "pendant" was. I'd have called it an ear...
but you probably wouldn't have driven me here.
[Earl Narrating] Ends up, during the Korean War...
Jerry and his buddy were caught behind enemy lines when Jerry got wounded.
- [Machine Gun Fire] - [Groans]
Jerry, we both can't make it.
No, don't go. Haven't you seen the movies? "Never leave a man behind."
No, but I seen the ones where they say, "Go on without me."
Sometimes they even say, "Marry my best girl."
- Sorry! - Damn you-
But the only thing Jerry could keep from leaving was Joe's ear.
[Shrieking]
Joe!
Come back here, you coward!
You're a coward!
[Grunting]
Jerry got captured and held on to the ear...
as a reminder ofhow much he wanted to survive.
And as the months passed, the ear became more than a reminder.
It became a companion.
I got four pretty ladies. What do you got, Joe's ear?
Damn, Joe's ear. You're good.
And it continued to be a part ofhis life even after the war.
Okay, Isabel, Joe's ear...
we're off to see the world.
Sorry. I can't let you do this.
I'm not asking for your permission.
That coward left me for dead for 50 years, and he never gave it another thought.
Jerry, give me the knife.
[Groans, Grunts]
[Whimpers]
[Earl] Joe!
Look out, Joe!
Joe!
What the hell's goin' on out here?
- Jerry Burney's here for your ear. - Jerry?
[Gasping]
[Choking] I'm here to protect you from him.
Where is he?
[Coughing]
[Earl Narrating] After I got my voice back, I told Joe about the R. V...
and finding Jerry half dead and what I'd been doing.
You idiots. Do you know what you've done?
You brought a killing machine back to life.
- [Groans] - You okay?
Heart pills! Top pocket!
Do you ever perchance think of gluing a seashell to where your ear used to be...
so it would look normal?
And you'd always get to hear the ocean.
Yeah, that's- That's my biggest problem right now.
You guys don't seem to understand what we're dealing with here.
I saw Jerry kill three Koreans with a single bullet.
No gun.
Just pressed the bullet right into their skulls.
I'm callin' the cops!
- [Taps Switch] - Damn.
He cut the line.
Well, he's not the only crazy old man around here.
- Oh, Mother! - Blimey!
H-H-Hey, J-J-Joe. Before we panic and do something we might regret...
at least let me talk toJerry.
He seemed reasonable- except for the throat punch.
Oh. Okay. Let's see.
Uh- [Stammers]
Hey, Jerry. I'm sorry about what hap-
Okay, boys, this is it.
Cinch up your apple sacks. We're goin' to war.
[Earl Narrating] And I wasn't the only one dealing with a scary thing in the front yard.
Since the pig didn't die of natural causes, the county wouldn't haul it away.
I can't believe the county won't remove dead pigs.
I can't believe nobody answered our ad for 800 pounds of free pork.
You know what- screw it.
I'm goin' old school.
Yech! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Darnell!
I'm in the pig! I'm in the pig!
Earl, this hat sucks now. It's got a hole in it.
- It looks like a hobo's hat. - Randy, this really isn't the time.
Joe, this is crazy.
You don't have to kill each other over something that happened 40 years ago.
Learn your history! It was 55 years ago.
Pin! Pin! Pin!
Oh, nuts. Man, I'm shaking like a geisha on sake.
It must be the Parkinson's. You better do it.
Earl. Earl, we gotta go back to that bus stop...
and see if they got another hat like this one.
Randy, I'm defusing a grenade.
I can't wear this. I'll look stupid.
Randy, you're gonna look stupid anyway. It's a stupid hat.
Just like all your other hats are stupid...
'cause when you wear a hat, you act stupid.
- Even the newsie cap? - Yes, the newsie cap!
[Cockney Accent] "Eh, mister. Want a paper?"
"I'll have a sandwich with extra mayonnaise."
[Normal Voice] I hate all your hats.
Will you guys shut up and put the- Put the pin in!
[Sighs]
[Exhales]
Man, I don't believe you two guys.
Arguin' over a hat. A damn hat!
I'm gonna get killed because there's a lunatic out there...
who's mad as hell because I left him in the field.
L-
I left him in the field.
My best buddy.
He needed my help, and- and I left him.
I left him.
[Earl Narrating] That was the first time Joe ever said those words out loud...
but been in his head since the day it happened.
- [Machine Gun Fire] - He'd gone off to war hoping to be a hero...
- but quickly found out he was just a scared kid. - [Shell Incoming]
Jerry felt thatJoe ran away and never gave it a second thought.
ButJerry was wrong.
Joe thought about it every day ofhis life.
[Jerry's Voice] Joe! Come back here, you coward!
You're a coward!
When I was given the choice to save my life or save someone else's...
I chose to save my own.
MaybeJerry deserves to take the other ear.
Hell, I'd give it to him, too, if I didn't remember it hurt so damn much.
How much did it hurt?
Oh, about as much as getting your ear cut off.
[No Audible Dialogue]
- [Loud Thud] - Oh, God! He's on the roof!
W-W-Wait! Joe, wait!
- [Gunfire] - [Object Clattering]
Maybe we should call an ambulance.
Or that.
Oh, my God! You killed his wife.
Now he's really gonna be pissed.
Quick. Back in the house. Come on!
[Creaking]
- Ear! - [All Screaming]
- Aha! - [Joe Whimpering]
Jerry may have had the heart of a killer...
but that heart was 75 years old.
[Groaning, Gasping]
I think he's having a heart attack. Randy, go for help.
- [Jerry, Gasping]Joe? - Joe, I need your pills.
- [Gasping] - Both of you?
This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over 60.
I only got one pill left.
- [Groaning] - Wh-What are you doin'?
What I should have done 50 years ago.
[Groaning]
Open your mouth, you old buzzard.
"Never leave a man behind." [Groans]
[Siren Approaching]
[Earl Narrating] In the end, they both survived.
It's okay. You saved my life...
so we're even.
That's a load off my mind.
While you can't reattach a severed ear...
it's never too late to fix a severed friendship.
Losing your temper can be a good thing.
Jerry and Joe had let their bad feelings sit inside them for years...
rot like a pig in a front yard.
And it took a fight to work everything out.
The same with me and Randy.
Hey, Earl. Thanks for telling me I acted different in hats.
I won't do it again. I promise.
I'm just sorry I yelled at you.
Oh, that's okay. Brothers fight.
Friends cut each other's ears off.
It's a crazy world, Earl.
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
It can make anyone look good.
[Earl Narrating] I guess, every now and then, when you're stuck...
best way to clear the air is to have a big blowup.
Fire in the hog!
- [Crowd Cheering] - [Man] Yeah!