1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,771 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,375 [ Earl Narrating ] Ever since I started doin' the list, it'd just been me and Randy. 3 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,443 But, now my new wife, Billie, made three. 4 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:13,747 Mmm! Watch this. There's this part comin' up that's really funny. 5 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,317 And I was startin' to understand the expression, "Three's a crowd." 6 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:19,053 See, he's gonna think that it's his wife licking his leg. 7 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,922 But it's really gonna be the dog. Watch. Watch. 8 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,558 [ Cackles ] 9 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:28,096 Yup, there it is, just like you said. 10 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,864 Thanks for tellin' me so I could be ready for it. 11 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:34,735 [ Earl Narrating ] And the way we watched TV wasn't the only change. 12 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,805 I used to drive my own car, but Billie thought I drove like a girl, 13 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,508 so she insisted on doin' it herself. [ Tires Screech ] 14 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:45,346 You better take five steps backwards right now, bitch! 15 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,781 Unfortunately, she had a problem with road rage. 16 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,518 Just forget it! It's gone! Go! 17 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:58,826 And I used to have my own money, but I spent it throwin' an arsonist a prison prom. 18 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,163 And while it was an enchanted evening, it left me broke, 19 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,098 and I was now livin' off Billie. 20 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:07,235 -Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. How many tissues you got there? -Two. 21 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,404 - How many times you gonna blow your nose? - One. 22 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,806 You might wanna check your math, Mr. Rockefeller. 23 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,010 [ Earl Narrating ] And because Billie's money also paid for the room, 24 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,813 she got to decide the sleepin' arrangements. 25 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:23,117 Of course he can stay with us, Earl. He's family. 26 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,686 He's just gonna have to be an outside brother. 27 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,824 [ Snoring ] 28 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,563 [ Groans ] 29 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:41,068 [ Earl Narrating ] My favorite part of the day was when Billie took a shower-- 30 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:44,638 until she started singing. [ Billie, Off-key ] * Almost heaven * 31 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,107 I don't get it, Randy. I just don't get it. 32 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:50,578 Why would karma want me to be with a woman who's driving me crazy? 33 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,481 You should just cut her head off like that king of England dude... 34 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,549 or the guy who used to live downstairs. 35 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,686 It's not that easy. Billie's supposed to be my reward. 36 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:02,022 Karma brought her into my life to show me that I was doin' things right. 37 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,625 You don't return a gift like that. 38 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:08,462 You do if she makes you sleep outside. I got sprayed by a cat last night. 39 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,098 Which is a lie-- It wasn't a cat. It was a grown man. 40 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,000 I was too embarrassed to say that. 41 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:16,170 I know Billie's a handful, but I'm sure karma has its reasons. 42 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:19,507 Not to mention, before Billie hit me with her car, her life was a mess. 43 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,642 I can't let her go back to that. 44 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:25,946 [ Billie, Off-Key ] * Country road Take me home * 45 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:31,485 * To a place I belong * 46 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,921 I'm gonna go sleep on the balcony. 47 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:37,991 I kinda made friends with that Filipino grandmother from Room 206. 48 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,893 They won't let her sleep inside either. 49 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,895 [ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't help but think about... 50 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:44,131 how different my reality was compared to my fantasy. 51 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:48,269 When I was in a coma, my relationship with Billie was perfect. 52 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:51,439 She made me cakes. She brought me lemonade. 53 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,342 And when she kissed me, even her leg got excited. 54 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:58,246 I wondered why karma brought me out of my coma only to make me more miserable. 55 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,215 And I wondered was it just gonna get worse for the rest of my life? 56 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:04,718 There's nothin' like a crap and a shower to make you feel better. 57 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,790 [ Voice Breaking ] I think I'm just gonna go for a walk. 58 00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:17,331 [ Earl Narrating ] I married Billie 'cause I trusted karma. 59 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,500 Karma had never let me down before, 60 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,736 but every day that went by made me lose a little more faith. 61 00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:27,040 I did 25 minutes at level six. 62 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,009 If you can't beat me, you're a wuss. 63 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,911 Come on! Faster. 64 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,748 You wanna grow old together, we need to be healthy. 65 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:38,286 [ Earl Narrating ] Yup, this marriage was definitely a mystery. 66 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:43,190 I needed some advice, so I went to see the smartest person I knew. 67 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,993 There was a reason Joy and Darnell's trailer was on its side. 68 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,263 A while back, me and some friends broke in to have a party. 69 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:53,534 Normally when you have beer and strippers in a trailer, you tip the strippers. 70 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,803 We went another way and tipped the trailer. 71 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,571 [ Glass Shattering ] 72 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,981 Hello? Crabman? 73 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,751 Hey, Earl. 74 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,690 I really am sorry about this whole trailer thing. 75 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,360 Ah, don't sweat it, Earl. I kinda like it. 76 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:24,365 Besides, with the grass growin' out of the floor, Mr. Turtle has his own little park. 77 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,670 Huh. 78 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,105 Never seen him wag his little tail before. 79 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,274 Yeah, I'm happy for him. 80 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:38,078 Listen, I need to ask you a marriage question. 81 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,014 How do you handle being married to someone who's difficult? 82 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,016 Try this. 83 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,621 I just write down everything Joy does that bothers me. 84 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:52,626 Most psychologists will tell you to express your feelings without fear of confrontation. 85 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,763 These are individuals I call "people who have not met Joy." 86 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,899 Earl, you gotta flip this trailer right side up. 87 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,301 I got so many bruises from climbin' through this door, 88 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,303 I look like a woman in a Lifetime movie. 89 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:08,141 I'm gonna do it. I just need to figure out how to get some money from Billie to rent a crane. 90 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,478 One way would be to grow some nads. 91 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:14,548 Speakin' of bein' nadless, Darnell, are you showin' Earl your poetry books? 92 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:18,352 Uh, yeah. We were havin' a poetry slam. 93 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,654 Let me read one. 94 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:28,529 "Today she hit a new low. Got mad cookin' dinner and threw the chicken on the lawn. 95 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:33,100 Once again, I see why everyone in our trailer park despises her and wishes we would move." 96 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,173 [ Scoffs ] That's a terrible poem, Darnell. 97 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,576 It don't even rhyme. 98 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:46,079 Hey! Remember that time I threw a chicken on the lawn? 99 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:49,683 You should write a poem about that, but make it rhyme. 100 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,086 [ Scoffs ] 101 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,691 - Did you pee a little? - Yep. 102 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,992 Me too. 103 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,194 While I was gettin' advice about my wife, 104 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,531 Randy was bein' tortured by her. 105 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,835 Can I have a Klondike Bar? Please? 106 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:11,805 That depends. * What would you do for a Klondike Bar * 107 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,478 [ Imitates Chicken Clucking ] 108 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,749 Eh, seen it. 109 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,954 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately for Randy, the motel was next to a costume shop. 110 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,156 Would you like to buy some delicious cookies? 111 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,126 [ Shouting In Chinese ] 112 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,930 [ All Shouting ] 113 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:46,607 Uh, two slim mint and three peanut butter sandwich. 114 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,478 Now? Almost. 115 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,681 And, unfortunately for Randy, the motel was also next to a street. 116 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,684 [ Horn Honking ] [ Man ] You loser! 117 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,853 * Everything's gonna be all right * 118 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,523 [ Horn Honks ] [ Woman ] Dummy! 119 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,628 Oh, enjoy. 120 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,767 * Sell out with me Oh, yeah * 121 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,836 * Sell out with me tonight ** 122 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:19,439 [ Earl Narrating ] I rescued Randy and continued my quest for relationship advice... 123 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,742 by goin' to the happiest couple I knew. 124 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,913 The most important thing in a relationship is to take your time with foreplay. 125 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,882 All work and no foreplay makes Jack a dull boy. 126 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,984 [ Chuckles ] I got that from a Will and Grace rerun. 127 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:34,955 You start by lightly trailing your fingers down your lover's chest. 128 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:39,059 Let him know that you want him. Let the love flow. Call him "lover." 129 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,329 Call your lover "lover" as often as possible. Mmm. 130 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,197 Whisper it. 131 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,534 [ Whispers ] Lover. 132 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,137 [ Whispers ] Lover. 133 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,573 - [ Whispers ] Lover. - [ Whispers ] Lover. 134 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:59,212 Earl-- Earl-- Earl-- They have just as much right to kiss in public as anyone else. 135 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:03,183 Which one's the girl? I don't know how this stuff works, Randy, I-- 136 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,185 Oh. Looks like it's Kenny. 137 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,354 [ Earl Narrating ] My gay pals sure seemed happy. 138 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,090 So, I decided to take their advice. 139 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,827 I love foreplayin' with you, lover. You're such a good lover. 140 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,598 Ohh! 141 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:20,100 Hey! Not on the menu. 142 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,936 I figured from the way you were talking, you might be into a little-- 143 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,939 Nope. You are mistaken. [ Chuckles ] 144 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,941 [ Earl Narrating ] That was just the poke I needed... 145 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,377 to continue to search for a way to make my marriage work. 146 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,981 So I decided to talk to the person who had made a marriage work the longest. 147 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,417 Earl, I'm just-- I'm just so excited that you'd come to me... 148 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,352 for marriage advice. 149 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,389 Okay, first off-- Do you call each other "lover?" 150 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,025 Yeah, once. Not my cup of tea. 151 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:48,662 Mm-hmm. And you know about the foreplay and finding the G-spot? 152 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,698 [ Voice Cracks ] Is Dad here? 153 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,633 'Cause I may be better off talkin' to him. [ Sighs ] 154 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,968 Oh, Dad's workin' late at the shop again. 155 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,571 And when you figure that this is the last night we had... 156 00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,439 to decide on the fabric for the new drapes-- 157 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:04,477 [ Gasps ] Actually, maybe you could give me some advice. 158 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,246 I don't really know anything about fabrics. 159 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,182 Tell me which one you like. Uh, the middle one. 160 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,051 That one? Why would you pick that one? 161 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,887 I don't know. It looks nice. Nicer than the first one? 162 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,823 Okay, I like the first one. 163 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,226 Oh, see-- See, now you're just sayin' that. 164 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,696 [ Inhales ] This is gonna be the last time that we redecorate this house, Earl. 165 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,298 These are going to be the drapes that I die looking at. 166 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,836 You don't care enough about me to give me your honest opinion? 167 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:32,039 No. [ Earl Narrating ] Dad was lucky he wasn't home for this. 168 00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:35,108 But, then I started to realize Dad was lucky like this a lot. 169 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:39,146 Like how he missed all Mom's Wednesday night dinner adventures. 170 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,649 Well, we're not waiting for your father any longer. 171 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:47,454 Tonight's voyage, Asia. And not the American version either. 172 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,257 Real Asian food-- crickets. 173 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:54,361 [ Chuckles ] Mmm. 174 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,296 They're protein. 175 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,298 [ Earl Narrating ] Our annual family portrait-- 176 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,067 There's an emergency down at the framing shop. 177 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,871 Apparently all the 5-by-7 frames came in 7-by-5. 178 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,506 Your father's gonna be there all night. 179 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,475 We're gonna have to take the white picture without him. 180 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,812 - Can my gerbil be in the picture? - Is he white? 181 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:14,281 Or every year when my mom wanted us to go caroling. 182 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:18,418 I'm sorry, boys. Your father has to work late again. 183 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:22,723 Five nights in a row! We're just gonna have to do it without him. 184 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:25,525 Or... we could just blow it off and watch TV. 185 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:28,361 Oh, silly. Come on, big smiles. 186 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,497 And get your umbrella. It's pourin' rain out there. 187 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:34,301 * Jingle bells Jingle bells * [ Thunder Rumbles ] 188 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,169 * Jingle all the way * 189 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,973 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew then that Dad didn't just happen to miss certain things with my mom. 190 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,109 He avoided them on purpose. 191 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,912 He threw himself into his job to make his marriage work. 192 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,914 It hit me that I needed to do the same. 193 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,817 Only my job wasn't framing, it was the list. 194 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,219 I'd guess I'd find out if it worked. [ Kay ] Earl! 195 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:55,522 You missed Ethiopian adventure last night. I've got pickled oxtail. 196 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,758 Gotta go. Somethin' on the list. 197 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,394 Dad was a genius. 198 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,364 [ Crunches ] 199 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:11,604 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd finally found a way to get along with my wife-- by avoiding her. 200 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,275 So, like a lot of husbands, I decided to spend all my time at work, 201 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,811 which, for me, meant finding something to do on my list. 202 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,647 Here's a good one, Earl. Number 275-- 203 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:24,184 "Never bought Randy a Ferrari." 204 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:28,188 Or number 276-- "Never told chicks Randy was a fighter pilot." 205 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:33,794 Okay, number 277-- Randy, how many of these did you add when I was in a coma? 206 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:37,264 Zero. Fifty. 207 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:40,033 That's it, Earl. I'm done waitin' for you to flip my house back. 208 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,669 I was walkin' past our ceiling fan, which is now on our wall, 209 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,604 and it lopped off one of my ponytails. 210 00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,473 You owe me 25 bucks. 211 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:50,443 I told you. I need money for a crane, and Billie's just gettin' stingier. 212 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:56,249 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Did you buy stock in the toothpaste company? 213 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,787 I'll save some of it for the mornin'. 214 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,059 It didn't sound that wet. 215 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,464 You gonna let some bitchy woman make your decisions for you? 216 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,367 If you had any self-respect, you'd do what the hell I say. 217 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,637 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't get it. Karma's mystery was gettin' deeper. 218 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:20,440 I was doin' the list to get away from my nightmare of a wife, 219 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:23,243 only to have karma stick me with my nightmare of an ex-wife. 220 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:26,213 Then I'm gonna take my foot out and put it back in again. Deeper! 221 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,883 Joy, I wanna help you. I just don't know how. 222 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,319 If were ants, we wouldn't need a crane, Earl. 223 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,354 We could lift a million times our weight. 224 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,891 Ants are so ripped. They must get laid all the time. 225 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:41,728 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy had a good point, not just about ants bonin' a lot. 226 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,730 Ants also worked as a team. 227 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,665 Come on, everybody. Pull! 228 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:49,102 When I was doin' bad things, no one would help me with anything. 229 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,940 But now that I was doin' good things, I had lots of friends willin' to pitch in. 230 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:57,144 - Come on! Pull, you lazy bastards! - [ Groaning ] 231 00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,113 You are so Spartacus. 232 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,115 No, no. You are so Spartacus. 233 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,117 You are. Oh, no. You are. 234 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,921 [ Screams ] Rhino in my back! 235 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:11,191 This is how my father died! 236 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:14,127 Come on, people. Let's put some muscle into it! 237 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,330 [ Creaking ] 238 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:21,001 - I am so sorry. - It's comin'! It's comin'! 239 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:25,338 Keep pullin'! Pull! It's comin'! 240 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,240 Keep pullin'! 241 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,678 [ Creaks ] 242 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:35,916 [ Cheering ] 243 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:40,353 - Yeah! - Thank you so much, everybody. 244 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:44,191 I got pony kegs in the side yard. Enjoy. 245 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,993 [ Cheering ] 246 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:51,598 [ Synthesized Voice ] Help! My foot is stuck! 247 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,501 [ Earl Narrating ] It was great to see everyone pull together like that... 248 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,369 and pull together like that. 249 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,906 Plus, I was successfully stayin' away from Billie. 250 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,241 It was my first real good day since I got married. 251 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:05,378 Earl, your wife's on the phone. I told her you were drinkin' a beer and she got really mad. 252 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,614 [ Exhales ] 253 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,716 ** [ Rock ] 254 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:13,720 Hey, honey. No, he's-he's crazy. It's just a soda. 255 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,655 God, I miss you. What's up? 256 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:18,926 I ordered a bunch of stuff to go from Chubby's Pulled Pork, 257 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,928 and I need you to pick it up. 258 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,764 Feel free to get something for yourself. Just stay on the left side of the menu. 259 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:28,401 Oh, man, I really love that dinner salad, but work's crazy. 260 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,570 Gotta go! Don't wait up! Love you! [ Beeps ] 261 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,572 [ Earl Narrating ] I needed to pick another list item, 262 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,175 but before I could, karma picked one for me. 263 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,978 [ Randy ] Oh, my God! Earl! I found a leg! 264 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,314 [ Joy ] Oh, God. Not another body. 265 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,750 This is not a graveyard, people! 266 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,619 Pony up for your grandparents to have a decent funeral! 267 00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:50,090 It's nobody's grandparent. It's not even a real leg. 268 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,960 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew it was fake because I had ditched it under the trailer... 269 00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:57,730 after committin' number 86-- stole a car from a one-legged girl. 270 00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:01,168 Stand back! I wish I could say it was only her car I stole. 271 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,104 You said you loved me! 272 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,538 [ Bullet Ricochets ] 273 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:07,540 It doesn't make sense. 274 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,243 I'm doin' the list to keep away from one nightmare woman, 275 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,946 karma sends me to deal with Joy, another nightmare woman. 276 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:16,549 Now, it's sending me Didi, the biggest nightmare I've ever met. 277 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:20,420 The hell's goin' on? Sometimes I wish karma could talk. 278 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,889 That'd take a lot of guesswork out of what we do. 279 00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,325 But if I only had one wish in the world, 280 00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,128 I'd be an ant who was ripped and got laid a lot. 281 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,331 Hopefully, I'll get two wishes. 282 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:34,634 [ Earl Narrating ] I was wishin' for something different-- that I wouldn't be killed by Didi. 283 00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:39,072 I figured we'd go by where she works, so she'd have less chance of havin' her shotgun. 284 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:44,411 [ Laughing ] Excuse me. I found a leg in my doughnut. 285 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:47,380 Randy! Come on. Maybe we'll get a free doughnut. 286 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,850 I know we came from a keg party, but try to act sober, okay? 287 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:55,088 - Ah, that's hot. - Freshest doughnuts in town, you son of a bitch. 288 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:58,325 [ Earl Narrating ] After some discussion, I learned Didi already had her car back... 289 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,728 and didn't just want her leg-- she wanted me to feel her pain. 290 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,198 And if I was gonna figure out what karma was tryin' to tell me, 291 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,234 I guess I had to do what she said. 292 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,270 I want you to hop a mile in my shoe. 293 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,972 [ Man ] * Qué pasa, people Qué pasa * 294 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,974 * Hit me I wanna get on the good foot * 295 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,544 [ Earl Narrating ] I never thought about how hard I made Didi's life... 296 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,346 by stealin' her fake leg. 297 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:23,650 But she made me understand how even the simple things in life became complicated-- 298 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,153 like bringin' home groceries. 299 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,721 Gettin' 'em to the door wasn't too bad, 300 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:31,691 but freein' up a hand to open it put too much weight on one side. 301 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,462 And like how the lights are set... 302 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,798 to give people enough time to walk across the street, not hop. 303 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,800 [ Honks ] Get out of the street! 304 00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:44,837 * You gotta get it Get it * 305 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:48,208 She made me learn how frustrating it was to pay full price for a pair of shoes... 306 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,210 when you knew you were only gonna wear one. 307 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:57,484 Didi made me realize that even tryin' to relax was difficult. 308 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:09,196 - [ Scoffs ] Go back. - * On the good foot * 309 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:15,135 - [ Grunts ] - [ People Laughing ] 310 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,804 Didi must've realized I was gettin' the message, 311 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:21,541 'cause she let me share the half of her footbath that she never used. 312 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,776 [ Sighs ] 313 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:29,682 I am so sorry. I forgive you. 314 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,652 You can cross me off your list. 315 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,856 [ Both Sigh ] 316 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:40,460 [ Earl Narrating ] My foot hurt so bad, I had to use the other one to get home. 317 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,495 I still didn't understand how sufferin' for Didi... 318 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,565 was karma's answer to me sufferin' with my wife. 319 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,600 Then came the weirdest thing yet. Look, Earl. 320 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,438 I'm sorry I've been a little stingy with you. It's our money. 321 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:55,242 Here's an A.T.M. card, so you don't have to ask me for it anymore. 322 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,511 Oh. There's a special card you have to put in. 323 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:02,782 And... I got you your own box of tissues. 324 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,185 You should be able to decide how many you need. 325 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,920 Well, thanks. 326 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,556 I'll be right back. 327 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:16,896 I don't get it. She was terrible and now she's nice. What's karma tryin' to tell me? 328 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,166 It's so obvious, Earl. 329 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,634 If you pick up a trailer for one lady you pissed off, 330 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,736 and you hop around for another lady you pissed off, 331 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,539 then your annoyin' wife will give you a box of tissues. 332 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,841 I think the A.T.M. card is just random. 333 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,578 You bring up a good point, Randy. 334 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:34,181 I've pissed off a lot of ladies. 335 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:37,850 But when I made it up to two of 'em, the lady pissing me off got nicer. 336 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,488 I think you're just restating my tissue example. 337 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,691 Maybe that's what karma's been saying. 338 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,894 Maybe if I make up to the women I've hurt, my marriage will start to work. 339 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,763 I just wish there was a way I could double-check. 340 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,733 - [ Catalina ] Hi, Earl. - Catalina! Perfect. Come here. 341 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,505 When I saw you at Club Chubby on Christmas, I was a pig, right? 342 00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,507 And-And I slapped your butt cheek? 343 00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,809 Yeah. Hard enough to leave a mark. 344 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:05,545 When Santa came, I couldn't sit on his lap, and he's a big tipper. 345 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,980 Well, then be mean back. Make me suffer. 346 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,882 Uh, you could slap my ass or-- 347 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,319 Hi-yah! Whoa! 348 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:17,156 [ Groans ] Thank you. That was perfect. 349 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,359 I thought so. 350 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,294 [ Panting, Groaning ] 351 00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,296 Check it out. 352 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,965 They just added lemonade and Chubby Cakes to the vending machine. 353 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,934 I knew you liked them. 354 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,271 [ Earl Narrating ] And there it was, just like in my coma fantasy. 355 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,240 I had a wife who brought me cakes and lemonade. 356 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,409 And Randy, something for you too. 357 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,846 What do I have to do? Smile. 358 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:43,350 [ Earl Narrating ] Then she did somethin' that really blew my mind. 359 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:46,419 [ Door Closes ] Did you hear that, Randy? 360 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:49,389 She went to the bathroom and shut the door! [ Chuckles ] 361 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,059 It's all clear now. 362 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,062 I've had bad marriages because I've deserved bad marriages. 363 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,930 I've been horrible to women. 364 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,934 But if I keep making it up to 'em, 365 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,936 things'll keep gettin' better with Billie and me. 366 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:09,376 Randy, I need to make up for the worst thing I've ever done to women. 367 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,680 Number 204-- seduced seven virgins. 368 00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:17,717 But with the A.T.M. card, I mean, don't abuse it or anything. 369 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,487 It's ours, but it's mainly mine. 370 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,390 And Randy, you're still sleeping on the balcony. 371 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,693 You need to get to those virgins fast. 372 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,733 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd been horrible to women in the past, 373 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,436 and now the only way karma was gonna let me have a good relationship... 374 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,505 with my new wife Billie was to make up for that. 375 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:43,410 I can't wait for you to fix this thing with Billie so I can stop sleepin' on the balcony. 376 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,945 Although lately when I wake up facing the railing, 377 00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:49,248 I feel like I'm in a giant crib, which is nice. 378 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,751 [ Earl Narrating ] If I was gonna get Randy off the balcony, 379 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,621 I needed to make up for the worst thing I'd ever done to women. 380 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,124 Number 204-- seduced seven virgins. 381 00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:02,895 Way back when, a group of Amish settled near Camden. 382 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,265 Everything was fine until they started adopting modern technology. 383 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,402 Behold! The wheel! [ Crowd Gasps ] 384 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,871 That is the devil's work! 385 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,942 It has no beginning and no end. We shall have none of it! 386 00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:19,712 And so, unwilling to change their deep-seated beliefs, 387 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:23,516 half the group left and called themselves the Camdenites. 388 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,885 As the world grew up around them, 389 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:28,888 the Camdenites decided that when each young girl turned 21, 390 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:32,592 they would go out to experience regular society for 21 days. 391 00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:37,397 Those tempted by the evils of the outside world... 392 00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,466 can choose to stay there. 393 00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:42,869 But those pure of heart shall return... 394 00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:47,073 to the glories of a world with no wheels, no medicine, 395 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:51,210 and no advancements in knowledge of any kind whatsoever! 396 00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,380 Can thou giveth me a hallelujah? 397 00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:55,682 Hallelujah! 398 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,726 [ Earl Narrating ] I used to call it "the running of the virgins." 399 00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:08,961 Every year, me and Randy were outside waiting... 400 00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:11,731 for a bunch of innocent women who had never heard a pick-up line. 401 00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:14,767 Greetings, ladies. Is it hot out here, or is it just you? 402 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:15,868 [ Laughing ] 403 00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:17,904 Me and my brother have just been sent out... 404 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,707 from the Nathanite religious settlement for 21 days. 405 00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:24,911 Really? We are just now also on a journey into the world. 406 00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,913 That's crazy. 407 00:22:26,979 --> 00:22:31,350 How lucky are you to so quickly run into people you can completely trust? 408 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:34,053 Come. Let us explore the world together. 409 00:22:35,655 --> 00:22:37,724 [ Earl Narrating ] Our goal was-- 410 00:22:37,790 --> 00:22:40,627 Well, I think our goal was pretty obvious. 411 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:43,095 This barley soda is making me feel warm under the bonnet. 412 00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:48,801 You know, that dancing thing looks interesting, but I'm afraid to try it alone. 413 00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:51,070 Oh, do not be afraid, Earleth. 414 00:22:51,137 --> 00:22:53,039 I shall do it with you. 415 00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:57,544 Okay. But we gotta stay real close, so the devil doesn't get between us. 416 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:05,351 If there's anything you're afraid of, I'd be willing to try it with you. 417 00:23:05,418 --> 00:23:07,454 Unless it's cauliflower. 418 00:23:08,821 --> 00:23:11,758 [ Earl Narrating ] I had a good thing goin'. 419 00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:14,627 And I did it year after year. 420 00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:17,363 Some years, the crops were plentiful. 421 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:20,132 Other years, there was a drought. 422 00:23:20,199 --> 00:23:23,369 But a good farmer always finds something to plow. 423 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:25,772 [ Woman ] Yes! Yes! Call me a jezebel! 424 00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:29,341 [ Earl ] Jezebel. Jezebel. 425 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:32,612 [ Earl Narrating ] So I went back to Camdenite Village and talked to their leader, Ruth, 426 00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:35,448 to see how I could make up to all those former virgins. 427 00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:38,818 None of 'em are here. They never came back. 428 00:23:38,885 --> 00:23:41,721 They were alive when we left 'em, if that's what you're hinting at. 429 00:23:41,788 --> 00:23:47,460 No. They all had such a great time in the outside world, they decided to stay. 430 00:23:47,527 --> 00:23:51,898 Wow, if they're happy now, I guess it's not the worst thing I ever did to women. 431 00:23:51,964 --> 00:23:55,635 Maybe not to them, but it was to the rest of us. 432 00:23:55,702 --> 00:23:58,070 You started a trend. 433 00:23:58,137 --> 00:24:01,373 And you know how kids are-- always swept up in the latest craze, 434 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,778 like zippers or those wooden figures on a stick that dance on your knee. 435 00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:09,148 None of our daughters come back anymore. 436 00:24:09,215 --> 00:24:13,019 And without women, the Camdenites will soon be gone. 437 00:24:13,085 --> 00:24:16,188 Maybe karma wants me to make somethin' up to you. 438 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:20,660 I know. We can buy you a pitchfork so you could shovel horse food like a normal person. 439 00:24:20,727 --> 00:24:23,796 We don't use pitchforks. They are the tool of the devil. 440 00:24:26,332 --> 00:24:31,037 Although, I tried one once, and it was about a thousand times easier. 441 00:24:31,103 --> 00:24:33,239 There-There's gotta be somethin' I can do. 442 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:37,577 My niece Greta just turned 21... 443 00:24:37,644 --> 00:24:39,879 and in a few days will go out into the world. 444 00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:43,716 If you want to help, make sure she comes back. 445 00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:49,789 Oh, and if she could bring back the recipe for flour-- 446 00:24:49,856 --> 00:24:52,224 We lost ours years ago. 447 00:24:52,291 --> 00:24:54,326 [ Earl Narrating ] Ruth was hopin' that if Greta returned... 448 00:24:54,393 --> 00:24:56,195 after bein' in the outside world, 449 00:24:56,262 --> 00:24:58,464 other Camdenite girls would follow her example... 450 00:24:58,531 --> 00:25:00,533 and their community would be saved. 451 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,536 To convince Greta that she wouldn't wanna live in the outside world, 452 00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:07,273 I showed her the scariest thing I could think of-- television. 453 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,376 This is all so violent and horrible. [ Tires Screeching ] 454 00:25:10,442 --> 00:25:12,344 This is a show called C.S.I.: Miami. 455 00:25:12,411 --> 00:25:15,682 That means crime stuff in Miami. 456 00:25:15,748 --> 00:25:18,551 That Creamsicle looking guy? His name's Horatio. 457 00:25:18,618 --> 00:25:20,853 Hello, cute hubby. 458 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:25,057 - [ Door Closes ] - Got a special surprise for you. 459 00:25:25,124 --> 00:25:27,126 [ Tires Screeching ] 460 00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:31,764 Randy, will you and your... friend give us a second? 461 00:25:31,831 --> 00:25:35,201 Sure. I'll show you my bedroom. It's really big. 462 00:25:35,267 --> 00:25:37,069 It's the entire outside. 463 00:25:37,136 --> 00:25:41,941 Guess what I got? Flavored body gels. 464 00:25:42,008 --> 00:25:45,244 Chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. 465 00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:47,346 [ Earl Narrating ] My plan seemed to be workin'. 466 00:25:47,413 --> 00:25:50,950 I was taking care of my lady karma, and so my lady was taking care of me. 467 00:25:51,017 --> 00:25:54,420 All right. I'm gonna go with the strawberry. 468 00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:56,856 Smeared chocolate puts me in the wrong frame of mind. 469 00:25:56,923 --> 00:26:01,694 - Then my mission to make Greta dislike our world hit a bump. - Oh, it is most wondrous. 470 00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:05,131 On the farm, the only fun thing we have to chew on is ox cartilage. 471 00:26:05,197 --> 00:26:07,233 But the flavor's gone after two seconds. 472 00:26:07,299 --> 00:26:10,436 No sooner did Greta start enjoying stuff from the modern world... 473 00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:14,440 than karma made Billie change her tune. Damn it, Earl! 474 00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:17,944 Didn't I talk to you about letting people sit on the made-up bed? 475 00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:19,979 Yeah, well, aren't we about to mess it up? 476 00:26:20,046 --> 00:26:22,314 You didn't know that when you let people sit on it. 477 00:26:25,017 --> 00:26:26,385 [ Giggles ] 478 00:26:26,452 --> 00:26:28,788 I get it. 479 00:26:28,855 --> 00:26:32,258 I know what's goin' on. Karma's making you mad at me... 480 00:26:32,324 --> 00:26:35,695 'cause the girl out there is on my list and I need to be dealing with her. 481 00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,964 The hell are you talking about? 482 00:26:38,030 --> 00:26:40,667 Great. She's chewin' gum. That's a gateway candy. 483 00:26:40,733 --> 00:26:43,202 Randy, make her spit it out. 484 00:26:44,570 --> 00:26:46,572 Honey, I really need to get out there. 485 00:26:46,639 --> 00:26:49,341 No, we're in the middle of something. I'm not trying to ignore you. 486 00:26:49,408 --> 00:26:52,278 It's just that if I don't make up to all the women I've hurt, 487 00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:55,514 you're gonna stay like this, and karma's never gonna make you my reward. 488 00:26:55,581 --> 00:26:58,517 Wait. So that's what I am to you? Some sort of carnival prize? 489 00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:01,788 Well, not right now, but-- 490 00:27:01,854 --> 00:27:05,124 Oh, come on, Randy! You're killin' me! 491 00:27:05,191 --> 00:27:07,727 Look, forget about the prize thing. Can we talk about this later? 492 00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:10,730 'Cause you'll be in a much better mood once I get Greta off my list. 493 00:27:10,797 --> 00:27:13,833 No! No list! You need to decide. 494 00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:18,170 What's more important, me or that damn list? 495 00:27:18,237 --> 00:27:21,841 Yeah, here's the thing. 496 00:27:21,908 --> 00:27:25,411 If I pick you, karma's never gonna let us get along. 497 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:29,749 But if I pick the list, you're gonna go even more psycho on me. 498 00:27:29,816 --> 00:27:33,485 But karma can fix that, so... 499 00:27:33,552 --> 00:27:35,722 I'm gonna go with the list. 500 00:27:39,759 --> 00:27:42,028 Wrong answer. 501 00:27:46,065 --> 00:27:48,334 [ Earl Narrating ] If I wanted karma to make Billie nice again, 502 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,603 I needed to convince Greta the outside world was evil. 503 00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:55,674 And that is when I said, "Excuse me, sir, but that is not a bottle opener." 504 00:27:55,742 --> 00:27:59,912 So you dance for men, just for money? 505 00:27:59,979 --> 00:28:02,681 I dance. I jump. I grind. 506 00:28:02,749 --> 00:28:05,517 I once hung upside down and let a man throw bologna at me. 507 00:28:05,584 --> 00:28:09,288 [ Ringing ] Hello. 508 00:28:10,757 --> 00:28:13,692 Hey, Earl, Joy would like a word with you. 509 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,729 And based on her tone, I think it's gonna be a curse word. 510 00:28:16,796 --> 00:28:19,732 [ Joy ] Earl, you son of a bitch! You better get your butt over here-- 511 00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:21,133 That's a phone. Isn't it cool? 512 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,703 - How does it work? - Nobody knows. 513 00:28:24,771 --> 00:28:27,840 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't believe what Joy told me until I saw it with my own eyes. 514 00:28:27,907 --> 00:28:31,710 That bitch wife of yours tied a rope to your car and flipped my trailer back over. 515 00:28:31,778 --> 00:28:35,014 I don't get it. If Billie's mad at me, why would she take it out on you? 516 00:28:35,081 --> 00:28:38,684 Where is she? I am so angry. I just wanna beat her with my tiny little fists. 517 00:28:38,751 --> 00:28:40,719 That's right. Let it out, cricket. 518 00:28:40,787 --> 00:28:43,455 You're never gonna believe what Billie did. 519 00:28:43,522 --> 00:28:46,658 It's not often we get to meet one of Kenny's girlfriends. 520 00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:48,861 You are Kenny's girlfriend, aren't you? 521 00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:51,998 I'm not sure I'm Kenny's type. 522 00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,466 Here, see for yourself. 523 00:28:57,036 --> 00:28:59,605 Please tell me he's blowing up a man-shaped balloon. 524 00:28:59,671 --> 00:29:03,910 Earl, she told my parents she is going to undo your entire list. 525 00:29:06,078 --> 00:29:09,281 The list-- Billie must've stolen it. 526 00:29:09,348 --> 00:29:12,184 Looks like's there's a monster loose in Camden. 527 00:29:13,986 --> 00:29:16,122 Then I guess... 528 00:29:16,188 --> 00:29:18,624 we're goin' monster huntin'. 529 00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:23,595 * Yeah * 530 00:29:23,662 --> 00:29:25,932 Sorry, I stepped on a nail. 531 00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:30,036 [ Dog Barking ] 532 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,071 [ Earl Narrating ] Once we figured out... 533 00:29:32,138 --> 00:29:34,506 that Billie was trying to undo everything on my list, 534 00:29:34,573 --> 00:29:37,109 Darnell helped us set up what he called a command center. 535 00:29:37,176 --> 00:29:39,178 I put pins in the locations where she's already struck. 536 00:29:39,245 --> 00:29:41,647 It will help us figure out where she's going to hit next. 537 00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:46,185 According to my calculations, the only place I know for sure is safe is Pop's hot dog cart. 538 00:29:46,252 --> 00:29:48,420 Billie just burned down Pop's hot dog cart. 539 00:29:48,487 --> 00:29:52,558 - [ Sighs ] - All right, I was guessing. But damn, what are the odds? 540 00:29:56,896 --> 00:29:59,531 Greta, she just wrote that in ink, right? 541 00:30:00,867 --> 00:30:02,935 Watch this. 542 00:30:03,002 --> 00:30:05,872 - [ Gasps ] Are you magic? - Yes. 543 00:30:05,938 --> 00:30:09,241 No. Greta, it's a dry erase marker. 544 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,878 And they're evil. And you can get high from sniffin' 'em. 545 00:30:11,944 --> 00:30:14,146 I'll show you. Randy, put it down. 546 00:30:15,247 --> 00:30:17,183 Hey, Earl! 547 00:30:17,249 --> 00:30:20,652 Thanks to your wife, our neighborhood's crawling with tourists. 548 00:30:20,719 --> 00:30:22,488 Everybody wants to see "freak town." 549 00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:24,823 Some guy tried to put me in a BabyBjörn. 550 00:30:24,891 --> 00:30:27,826 I hate Austin Powers. 551 00:30:27,894 --> 00:30:31,763 [ Billie On Bullhorn ] Hey, look! There's a couple of freaks right now! 552 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:34,633 It's Horn Head and Tiny Guy. 553 00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:38,404 Feel free to point and laugh, as they do not have emotions like you and I. 554 00:30:38,470 --> 00:30:41,707 [ Muttering, Indistinct ] 555 00:30:41,773 --> 00:30:45,177 [ Earl Narrating ] We were tryin' hard to figure out who else she was gonna hit. 556 00:30:45,244 --> 00:30:48,480 Turns out the real question was, who wasn't she gonna hit? 557 00:30:48,547 --> 00:30:49,748 She got Didi. 558 00:30:49,815 --> 00:30:51,918 [ Grunts ] Oh! 559 00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:56,388 She got Mistletoe, the stripper, 560 00:30:56,455 --> 00:30:59,558 her first day back to work at Club Chubby without her back brace. 561 00:30:59,625 --> 00:31:01,928 [ Screams ] 562 00:31:04,030 --> 00:31:09,201 [ Man ] * Another one bites the dust Another one bites the dust * 563 00:31:09,268 --> 00:31:12,871 She even made a recording of Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop so he could hear his own accent. 564 00:31:12,939 --> 00:31:15,174 Oh, God. That's what I sound like? 565 00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:17,676 People should make fun of foreigners. 566 00:31:17,743 --> 00:31:19,645 * Another one bites the dust * 567 00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:23,582 And before I knew it, it seemed like I had the whole town in front of me. 568 00:31:23,649 --> 00:31:27,353 [ Shouting ] 569 00:31:27,419 --> 00:31:29,956 People, people. 570 00:31:30,022 --> 00:31:33,692 I'll fix it all. I'm doin' my best. 571 00:31:33,759 --> 00:31:37,429 - [ Phone Rings ] - Hello? 572 00:31:37,496 --> 00:31:40,366 Earl, it's Billie. 573 00:31:42,801 --> 00:31:44,903 You gotta stop this, Billie. 574 00:31:44,971 --> 00:31:49,041 [ Billie ] You like spending time with your list so much, now you get to start all over again. 575 00:31:49,108 --> 00:31:52,211 It's not right. You're hurtin' innocent people. 576 00:31:52,278 --> 00:31:55,347 Speaking of innocent, someone wants to talk to you. 577 00:31:56,648 --> 00:31:59,651 We went shopping, Earl. And now we're having fast food. 578 00:31:59,718 --> 00:32:02,721 I just ate beef that I didn't have to raise, name, 579 00:32:02,788 --> 00:32:05,824 and look in the eyes as I smashed its head with a killing hammer. 580 00:32:05,891 --> 00:32:07,726 It's delicious! 581 00:32:07,793 --> 00:32:09,461 Randy, I told you to watch Greta. 582 00:32:09,528 --> 00:32:12,731 I did. I watched her go out the door and to the vending machine. 583 00:32:12,798 --> 00:32:16,468 - She's so cute, I can't take my eyes off her. - [ Sighs ] 584 00:32:16,535 --> 00:32:20,806 Oh, you meant "watch," like keep track of her. That I did not do. 585 00:32:20,872 --> 00:32:23,809 Billie, I swear, if anything happens to that girl-- 586 00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:25,677 [ Billie ] It'll be your fault, Earl. 587 00:32:25,744 --> 00:32:28,647 You made me do this when you chose your list over me. 588 00:32:28,714 --> 00:32:33,352 So if you keep doin' your list, I'll keep making bad things happen to people on it. 589 00:32:33,419 --> 00:32:35,954 Oh, my God! She's talking about us! 590 00:32:36,022 --> 00:32:38,190 [ Shouting ] 591 00:32:43,262 --> 00:32:46,665 Yeah! Yeah! [ Indistinct ] 592 00:32:49,568 --> 00:32:52,404 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized there was only one thing left to do. 593 00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:56,708 So for the last time, Earl, what's it gonna be? Me or the list? 594 00:32:58,310 --> 00:33:00,846 Okay, Billie. I choose you. 595 00:33:00,912 --> 00:33:03,249 [ Sighs ] 596 00:33:07,953 --> 00:33:10,589 [ Earl Narrating ] I couldn't believe I had to give up my list. 597 00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:13,192 But I hoped if I could get Greta back to the Camdenites, 598 00:33:13,259 --> 00:33:16,328 karma would make everything okay. 599 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:24,303 Glad you finally manned up and did right by your wife, Earl. 600 00:33:24,370 --> 00:33:27,773 - Where's Greta? - I left her at Chubby's Burgers. 601 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:30,209 What do you care? You're here for me, not her, right? 602 00:33:30,276 --> 00:33:32,344 See? Now you're not even givin' us a chance. 603 00:33:32,411 --> 00:33:35,647 You didn't even bring her. How do you expect karma to do anything good for us? 604 00:33:35,714 --> 00:33:38,350 Screw karma. You shouldn't have said that. 605 00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,219 Why? What's gonna happen to me? 606 00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,955 You called the cops? 607 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,193 - [ Earl ] I-I-I didn't. I swear. - Then who did? Karma? 608 00:33:47,259 --> 00:33:50,162 [ Earl Narrating ] It wasn't karma. It was something much scarier than that. 609 00:33:50,229 --> 00:33:52,531 There's the trailer-flippin' whore. There she is. 610 00:33:52,598 --> 00:33:56,001 Look. She's makin' a run for it. Tase the bitch! Tase her! 611 00:33:56,068 --> 00:33:58,470 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman. 612 00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:02,541 I trusted you. You said you were putting me first. 613 00:34:02,608 --> 00:34:06,178 Well, now I'm putting you first on my list... of people to kill. 614 00:34:06,245 --> 00:34:10,116 That's a death threat. I know you can arrest her for sayin' that and keep her 24 hours... 615 00:34:10,182 --> 00:34:12,751 without pressin' charges or lettin' her call her kids and say good night. 616 00:34:12,818 --> 00:34:15,587 I can't. She just stepped on Camdenite property. 617 00:34:15,654 --> 00:34:18,890 It's a sovereign land. Camden police have no jurisdiction. 618 00:34:18,957 --> 00:34:22,428 We try to keep that under wraps, otherwise all the criminals would hide out there. 619 00:34:22,494 --> 00:34:24,963 Good. Then I'll just hide out here. 620 00:34:25,030 --> 00:34:27,933 See? [ Chattering On Police Radio ] 621 00:34:27,999 --> 00:34:33,405 When you least expect it, I'll be coming for you, Earl. 622 00:34:35,207 --> 00:34:39,545 Don't worry, buddy. I'm gonna be out here 24-7 to nab her as soon as she leaves. 623 00:34:39,611 --> 00:34:43,449 Actually, 24-5. In five days, it's the department bass fishing trip. 624 00:34:43,515 --> 00:34:47,119 It's gonna be a blast, but it'll leave us a little shorthanded. 625 00:34:47,186 --> 00:34:49,488 [ Earl Narrating ] I had five days to find Greta... 626 00:34:49,555 --> 00:34:52,558 and convince her to return to the Camdenites so karma would be happy. 627 00:34:56,728 --> 00:35:01,099 Now it wasn't just to save my relationship, it was to save my life. 628 00:35:01,167 --> 00:35:04,703 Here, Greta! Here Greta, Greta, Greta, Greta! 629 00:35:05,804 --> 00:35:09,808 Greta! Greta! 630 00:35:09,875 --> 00:35:12,178 [ Earl Narrating ] But she was nowhere to be found. 631 00:35:12,244 --> 00:35:16,047 And after searching 'round the clock for five days, I knew I was screwed. 632 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:20,186 Hey, Earl! Good luck! 633 00:35:23,222 --> 00:35:25,191 I was out of time. 634 00:35:25,257 --> 00:35:28,427 Billie could be comin' for me any minute, and I still didn't know where Greta was. 635 00:35:28,494 --> 00:35:32,964 It turns ordinary water into champagne. 636 00:35:33,031 --> 00:35:34,366 Greta, where-where have you been? 637 00:35:34,433 --> 00:35:36,902 Randy's been hiding me. 638 00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,371 Damn it, Randy. You know my situation with Billie. 639 00:35:39,438 --> 00:35:43,409 If Greta doesn't go back, I can't fix my karma with women. 640 00:35:43,475 --> 00:35:46,878 What about me? Everything's always about you and your list. 641 00:35:46,945 --> 00:35:49,948 When do I get a turn? I don't have bad karma with women. 642 00:35:50,015 --> 00:35:53,219 So why should I have to lose Greta to help your problem with Billie? 643 00:35:53,285 --> 00:35:57,556 Besides, I wanna stay out here in the land of zippers and mirrors... 644 00:35:57,623 --> 00:35:59,658 and tampons that are not made out of hay. 645 00:35:59,725 --> 00:36:01,693 Come on, Greta. 646 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:05,231 You can't decide to change your whole way of life just based on a few days. 647 00:36:05,297 --> 00:36:08,800 You changed your life in just one day, Earl, and that was right for you. 648 00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:13,305 I said something smart, didn't I? 649 00:36:13,372 --> 00:36:16,208 Oh, you always say something smart, Randy. 650 00:36:16,275 --> 00:36:19,278 [ Earl Narrating ] Maybe Greta wasn't supposed to help me fix my karma with women. 651 00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:23,249 Maybe she was part of Randy's karma-- rewarding him for being a good guy. 652 00:36:24,316 --> 00:36:26,385 [ Tablet Plops ] 653 00:36:26,452 --> 00:36:29,721 And that meant I needed to come up with something else... 654 00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:32,157 to make things up to the Camdenites. 655 00:36:32,224 --> 00:36:35,894 But it was hard to think about that when I was worried about Billie bein' on the loose. 656 00:36:35,961 --> 00:36:38,564 I knew I had to stay awake and keep an eye out. 657 00:36:38,630 --> 00:36:43,402 ** [ Whistling "Country Roads" ] 658 00:36:46,605 --> 00:36:48,540 [ Gasps ] 659 00:36:51,810 --> 00:36:54,813 [ Sighs ] 660 00:36:58,250 --> 00:36:59,485 Aah! 661 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:04,556 [ Gasps ] 662 00:37:06,758 --> 00:37:08,694 [ Sighs ] 663 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:10,896 [ Screams ] 664 00:37:10,962 --> 00:37:14,966 [ Panting ] [ Billie Whispering ] Earl. 665 00:37:16,568 --> 00:37:18,470 Earl. 666 00:37:20,772 --> 00:37:23,842 Wakey, wakey, life's at stakey! 667 00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:26,211 [ Earl Narrating ] This time, I knew I wasn't dreaming. 668 00:37:26,278 --> 00:37:28,246 And Billie still had her key. 669 00:37:29,548 --> 00:37:31,617 [ Thud, Glass Breaks ] Ow! 670 00:37:31,683 --> 00:37:34,520 Quick! Just pretend we're pillows. 671 00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:38,590 It's okay. I'm not here to hurt you. 672 00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:40,892 Then-Then what's with the ax? 673 00:37:40,959 --> 00:37:45,964 All Camdenite women carry them for protection when we leave the farm. 674 00:37:46,031 --> 00:37:49,968 I suggested pepper spray, but it turns out we Camdenites don't believe in spray... 675 00:37:50,035 --> 00:37:53,339 - or pepper. - We Camdenites? 676 00:37:53,405 --> 00:37:55,941 [ Earl Narrating ] It seemed the Camdenites didn't have a problem... 677 00:37:56,007 --> 00:37:58,744 with Billie usin' their land to hide out from the police. 678 00:38:04,149 --> 00:38:07,052 But they did have a problem sharin' their land with someone not willin' to share the work. 679 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,790 [ Cows Lowing ] 680 00:38:14,726 --> 00:38:17,463 * Made me see where I've been * 681 00:38:17,529 --> 00:38:19,431 And while it took some gettin' used to, 682 00:38:19,498 --> 00:38:22,801 she soon found that fieldwork was a great way to get out her anger. 683 00:38:22,868 --> 00:38:25,504 [ Grunts ] In fact, it made her feel pretty good. 684 00:38:27,773 --> 00:38:32,511 * Been down one time Been down two times * 685 00:38:35,947 --> 00:38:38,417 And when she fell back into her stealin' ways, 686 00:38:38,484 --> 00:38:40,586 it didn't work, 'cause in the Camdenite village, [ Clears Throat ] 687 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:43,655 - all the property was shared. - You can have it. 688 00:38:48,994 --> 00:38:50,996 * Been down one time * 689 00:38:51,062 --> 00:38:53,064 And even though she was used to bein' selfish, 690 00:38:53,131 --> 00:38:56,835 it was hard to be greedy around people who were so happy to give. 691 00:38:56,902 --> 00:39:00,406 * Never goin' back again ** 692 00:39:04,576 --> 00:39:10,181 [ All ] * Country road, take me home * 693 00:39:10,248 --> 00:39:13,852 * To a place I belong * Billie had spent her whole life searching for somethin'. 694 00:39:13,919 --> 00:39:16,221 She'd tried crime, nursing school. 695 00:39:16,287 --> 00:39:18,724 And then she met me and tried karma. 696 00:39:18,790 --> 00:39:21,359 But nothin' felt right, until now. 697 00:39:21,427 --> 00:39:27,799 * Take me home, country road ** 698 00:39:27,866 --> 00:39:32,804 I guess karma didn't want to turn you into another me after all. 699 00:39:32,871 --> 00:39:35,106 I was just supposed to help you find the real you. 700 00:39:35,173 --> 00:39:38,577 And now you could cross the Camdenites off your list. 701 00:39:39,878 --> 00:39:42,981 But first, 702 00:39:43,048 --> 00:39:44,883 divorce papers. 703 00:39:46,284 --> 00:39:48,386 Uh, you need to sign-- 704 00:39:48,454 --> 00:39:50,589 I know where to sign. 705 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:57,162 "Earl J. Hickey." 706 00:40:00,832 --> 00:40:01,900 Thanks, Earl. 707 00:40:04,970 --> 00:40:07,539 What's this? 708 00:40:07,606 --> 00:40:10,308 Maybe karma didn't want me to be your reward, 709 00:40:10,375 --> 00:40:12,143 but it still wanted you to have one. 710 00:40:15,614 --> 00:40:18,650 [ Kisses ] Do good things. 711 00:40:18,717 --> 00:40:22,688 [ Man Singing Reggae ] * Listen Almost heaven * 712 00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:25,924 * West Jamaica * 713 00:40:25,991 --> 00:40:30,462 * True ridge mountains Shining down the river * 714 00:40:30,529 --> 00:40:32,664 * All my friends there * 715 00:40:32,731 --> 00:40:35,366 [ Billie's Voice ] Dear Mr. Rockefeller, 716 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:39,771 This $72,000 is the remainder of my insurance settlement. 717 00:40:39,838 --> 00:40:43,408 It would be more if you didn't double up on the tissues. 718 00:40:43,475 --> 00:40:46,912 I think this money was always meant for you. Love, Billie. 719 00:40:46,978 --> 00:40:51,850 * To the place I belong * [ Sighs ] 720 00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:59,224 * West Jamaica, my ol' mama Take me home-- * 721 00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:01,793 [ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Billie found where she belonged. 722 00:41:01,860 --> 00:41:04,963 After I'd spent time in prison-- 723 00:41:05,030 --> 00:41:08,867 - [ Laughs ] - after I doubted karma and got hit by a car-- 724 00:41:08,934 --> 00:41:12,037 after lyin' for a pretty good while in a coma-- 725 00:41:12,103 --> 00:41:15,073 * I belong * 726 00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:20,478 I had my list again, and I was finally back where I belonged. 727 00:41:20,546 --> 00:41:24,816 * Take me home, country road **