1 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:06,107 [ Earl Narrating ] It was nice bein' out of my coma and back where I belonged, 2 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,142 but I couldn't get Billie off my mind. 3 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,078 I was pretty sure karma wanted me to find her. 4 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:13,447 It's official. There's only two Billy Cunninghams in the phone book, 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,984 and neither of those guys thinks he's my soul mate. 6 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:20,088 Billie, Billie, Billie. Don't you wanna hear what's been going on with us? 7 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:22,956 Randy was our town crier while you were comatose. 8 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,825 That's actually a clever play on words, 9 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,295 in that he both recorded the town happenings and cried a lot. 10 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,363 Read the list, dum-dum. 11 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:33,501 "I got a notepad. I got a paper cut. 12 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,837 Fire marshal kicked Joy and family out of their sideways trailer." 13 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,739 That's right, Dip Van Winkle. 14 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,109 Trailer's still on its side since you knocked it over, 15 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,177 so now we live in the Crab Shack. 16 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,746 I'm tellin' ya', you gotta carry the three. 17 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,915 This is my spelling homework. 18 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,251 Joy, I promise I'll get your trailer tipped right side up... 19 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,820 as soon as I get enough money to rent a crane. 20 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,757 "A raccoon fought a opossum for half a bag of french fries... 21 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,127 "in the motel parking lot. 22 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,995 A fry got left behind. I ate a fry." 23 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,799 - Oh, and I'm a lesbian. - [ Randy ] Catalina, it's not your turn yet. 24 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,269 Did I just hear Chiquita Banana say she isn't into bananas anymore? 25 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,138 What happened? Did you get a bad banana? 26 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:13,174 It wasn't the bananas, it was the trees who waggle them around. 27 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:16,977 In The Wizard of Oz, the trees threw apples. Trees are bastards. 28 00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:20,581 All men are bastards. My father, who gambled me away in a foosball game, 29 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:25,119 and my childhood sweetheart, who convinced me to come to this country only to abandon me. 30 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:28,256 Thanks to him, now I live a fairy-tale life of a maid and a stripper. 31 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,424 Oh, please. I know what you're up to. 32 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,227 Pretending to be a lesbian will probably double your business at Club Chubby. 33 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:37,631 When I was in high school, I told my gym teacher I was a lesbian just to get a "B." 34 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:40,434 She hadn't called my bluff in the shower, I would've gotten an "A." 35 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:42,570 I'm a real Chapstick lesbian. 36 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,939 The only person I wanna strip for now is Miss Right. 37 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,876 Well, good luck. I'm looking for my Miss Right too. 38 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,912 Damn, Earl. You got Frank's car. You got Frank's trailer. 39 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:55,549 Now you want Frank's ex? Why you gotta sleep inside everything that's Frank's? 40 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,452 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy's little insult gave me an idea. 41 00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,988 That's how I'll find Billie-- Frank. 42 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,491 Let's go, Randy. 43 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,859 Finish up your homework, boys. 44 00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:08,296 Crab water's almost cool enough for your bath. 45 00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,864 My name is Earl. 46 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,102 [ Earl Narrating ] We found out because of prison overcrowding, 47 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,137 Frank had been sent to a halfway house. 48 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,740 [ Hooting, Whooping, Whistling ] 49 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,343 [ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't looking forward to talking to Frank, 50 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,078 seeing how he used to date Billie and he's crazy, 51 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,980 but he was my only chance at finding her. 52 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,082 Oh, my God. Hey. 53 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,885 - Oh, my God. It's good to see you. - So, how are you? 54 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,821 Hungry. Really hungry. 55 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:37,625 They put tranquilizers in our food to keep us down. 56 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:43,397 I'm starving. I-I actually ate a bar of soap yesterday. 57 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,499 This morning I pooped bubbles. 58 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:49,136 Guys were running around popping 'em. It-It's crazy in here. 59 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,372 You want a little fruit? 60 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:56,310 I carry apple slices in my pocket now. 61 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,746 We haven't gotten to that page yet. 62 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,582 I gotta say, you're looking good, Frank. 63 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:04,785 Strong, healthy. Beautiful necklace. 64 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:09,357 Nah, it's not just a necklace. I learned that the hard way. 65 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:13,494 - ** [ "Turkey In The Straw" Over P.A. ] - Ice cream! Ice cream! 66 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,930 [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Groaning ] 67 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:23,604 [ Earl ] Hey, Paco. Saludos, Earl, Randy. 68 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:26,106 I used to deliver for Camden Foreign Foods. 69 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,975 Being Senor Lo Mein sucks, doesn't it? 70 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,778 Yes. But if you have a job, they take your collar off... 71 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:33,180 and let you out of here for eight hours a day. 72 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,115 Why don't you get a job like Paco? 73 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,419 I refuse to dress like a bullfighting yodeler and dance like a monkey. 74 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,821 Keep eating soap, genius. Bye. 75 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,926 So, we just, uh, came by to find out how you were doin'. 76 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:48,696 I thought we were here to find Billie. Remember? 77 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,365 You said you were scared because Frank used to date her. 78 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,635 You also said that one of us should do all the talking. 79 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,704 It was you. Go ahead, Earl. 80 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:59,707 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You wanna date Billie? 81 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,443 Yes, and I just want you to know that karma's on my side, 82 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,878 so if you attack me, something bad will happen to you. 83 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:08,482 Aw, you know what? Don't worry about it. I-I'm over her anyway. 84 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,718 Really? You're really over her? 85 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,221 Yeah. Plus, she's living a good life now, like you. 86 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:18,692 It'd be like if Mother Theresa started dating that bald guy in the diapers. What's his name? 87 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,296 Gumby. 88 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,899 Thanks, Frank. That means a lot. So, can you help me find Billie? 89 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,068 Yeah, I could do that, but you gotta help me first. 90 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,604 I need a job so I could get outta here every day. 91 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:34,542 Maybe we can get him a job as a bikini inspector. 92 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,844 I've seen the uniforms on sale at the mall. 93 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:40,481 Or he could be a beaver hunter, but you might need a license for that. 94 00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:43,617 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew I needed Frank's help, 95 00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:46,253 so I went to see if Darnell would be willing to hire him. 96 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,023 He won't even be around to bother you 'cause he'll be helping me find Billie. 97 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,761 Are you sure the boys are okay? 98 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,296 I told them they were bunk beds, and they believed me. 99 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,368 Startin' to realize there's no point in saving up for college. 100 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,269 I'll hire Frank if it's okay with Joy. 101 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,539 The man did point a gun at her belly when she was delivering a baby. 102 00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:07,675 Weren't my baby. I don't give a crap. 103 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:11,011 - [ Phone Rings ] - Oh, come on. 104 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:15,383 - Who calls a bar after 7:00? We got kids sleeping. - [ Ringing Continues ] 105 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,585 [ Earl Narrating ] The next day, Frank was officially employed... 106 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,388 and pretty excited to get a little taste of freedom. 107 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,527 [ Panting ] 108 00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:32,400 Frank thought the best place to look for Billie was her cousin Jocelyn's. 109 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:36,970 You have a lot of nerve thinking you can walk in here and ask me for a favor, dirtbag. 110 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,239 Did I mention I may have had sex with Jocelyn... 111 00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:41,141 while me and Billie were on a short break? 112 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,343 No, you did not. 113 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,446 Because he's too much of a gentleman. 114 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,818 I'm gonna go for a run. 115 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:58,459 - So, have you heard from Billie? - I may have. 116 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,428 Come on, Jocelyn, baby, don't be pissed. 117 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,463 Besides, me and Billie are over. 118 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,032 And you are looking so fine, girl. 119 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,067 You know, she has the most incredible feet. 120 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,269 Go ahead, show him your feet. Let him see 'em. 121 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:12,740 [ Laughs ] Oh, Frank. 122 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,644 She stayed here for a while after she got kicked out of nursing school for cheating. 123 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,748 Mmm! There they are. There is the stuff right there, girl. 124 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,816 Cheatin'? Billie was living a good life. 125 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,286 My diabetic ass. That girl's been going nuts. 126 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:30,624 She stole my rent money, siphoned my gas and then robbed a liquor store on Christmas Day. 127 00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:34,161 I mean, who holds someone at gunpoint on Jesus' birthday? 128 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,063 Billie hit me on Christmas Day. 129 00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,265 She was probably running from the liquor store. 130 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,400 Sounds like your girl's gone back to the dark side. 131 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:43,604 Come and take a look at these little sausages. They're fantastic. 132 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:47,040 Uh, Jocelyn, do you have any idea where Billie is now? 133 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,877 She called a week or so ago, needing help. 134 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,779 Same old story. 135 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,881 You can check my caller I.D. if you want. 136 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:58,318 This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. 137 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:01,922 Jocelyn, you remember where this little piggy went? [ Giggling ] 138 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,391 [ Earl Narrating ] We didn't know how to trace the caller I.D. number, 139 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:07,961 so we went to the only person we knew who had access to the World Wide Web. 140 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,931 Yeah, it seemed like karma was bringing Billie to me as a reward, 141 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,901 but now I realize karma was also bringing me to Billie. 142 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,504 I think I'm supposed to help her get her life back on track. 143 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,472 Karma wants her to be our girlfriend. 144 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:22,543 Ahh. That couldn't be more romantic if Manilow sang it in a bubble bath. 145 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,646 - [ Beeps ] - Oh, oh, here's the number. 146 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,115 Looks like it's a pay phone. 147 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,918 Hey, wh-what's this Web site you got covered up? 148 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,820 What's a "DILF"? 149 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,489 Oh, uh-uh-uh, that's, uh, "Dads I'd Like to Find." 150 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,326 I-I-I've lost touch with the fathers of some of my childhood friends. 151 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:42,930 - Well, let's check and see if our dad's on there. - Ohh! 152 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,232 Is that really what dads do when mommies aren't around? 153 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,537 [ Earl Narrating ] Kenny gave us the address for the pay phone, 154 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,905 so we went there and waited, hoping we'd see Billie. 155 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,642 We decided that me and Frank would watch to the south, 156 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,944 Randy would keep an eye on the north. 157 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,847 Frank, what does Billie like? Any tips you can give me to help me out? 158 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,049 Well, she was really into my musky scent. 159 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:05,385 And I used to drive her crazy with this move. Huh? 160 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,121 Huh? Huh? Huh? 161 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,559 Women are complicated. 162 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,227 Stuart? Oh, hey, Earl. 163 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,664 It's Stuart Daniels. Former cop, current bowler. 164 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,899 He was on my list. Hey, I remember you. 165 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,935 Your, uh-- Your mother's the police chief, right? 166 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,137 And your sister's that fiery little redheaded cop... 167 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:27,374 that likes to frisk all the way up to the sack. 168 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,944 - Is she seein' anyone? - No. So, what are you doing on my street? 169 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,480 We're lookin' for a girl, Billie Cunningham. 170 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,749 She hit me with her car. Haven't seen her. 171 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:39,086 [ Earl Narrating ] Turned out, Stuart knew more about Billie than he was saying. 172 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,421 Stuart first met Billie when he hit her with his car. 173 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,957 - [ Groans ] - [ Brakes Squeal ] 174 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,263 Oh, crap. 175 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,532 [ Earl Narrating ] He started visiting her because he was feeling guilty. 176 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:57,370 [ Man ] * Girlfriend in a coma I know, I know it's serious * 177 00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:01,341 But as he spent more time with her, he started to feel other things. 178 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:05,045 Stuart had once hit a dog, brought it home and nursed it back to health, 179 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,749 and he thought if the dog grew to love him, why couldn't Billie? 180 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:11,218 And finally, Billie woke up. 181 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,220 So, no one knows who hit me? 182 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,124 Total mystery. And since you don't remember, I guess we'll never know. 183 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:20,661 No, the only thing I remember is hitting Earl. 184 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,463 Is he okay? I'm the one who found you. 185 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:27,200 I've been watching over you. Do you need a place to stay? I've got my own room. 186 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:31,739 Is Earl okay? Uh, what if he was? I mean, how would you feel? 187 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:35,308 Happy. But me-- How would you feel about me? 188 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,410 Would you stay with me? 189 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,580 I don't even know you. Right, right. 190 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,751 Earl's dead. You killed him. 191 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,588 Oh, God. Oh, my God. 192 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,658 [ Earl Narrating ] Stuart told Billie she was in trouble... 193 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:53,627 and the cops had been coming every day, waiting to ask her questions. 194 00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:56,563 And, believing him, she let him sneak her out of the hospital. 195 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,598 He squeezed me! He squeezed me! 196 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:01,534 Eventually, she got away from Stuart long enough to make a phone call. 197 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,637 Jocelyn, you gotta help me. 198 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,006 I'm sure the cops have been there lookin' for me. 199 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,241 I'm staying with this really creepy guy. 200 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:12,145 He wears swim trunks in the shower. And a baseball hat. 201 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,248 Good luck finding that girl. I'll keep an eye out for her. I have to go. 202 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,218 I have some lettuce I gotta put in the crisper. 203 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:21,354 The cops are right outside looking for you. We gotta move. 204 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,563 [ Earl Narrating ] After two long days of staking out Billie's pay phone, 205 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,766 we finally caught a break. 206 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,835 Unfortunately, it was a bad break. 207 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,271 While we were figuring out what to do next, 208 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:41,742 Stuart and Billie had already settled into their new hiding place. 209 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,414 Oh, hello. 210 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,950 Did someone order towels? 211 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,853 Sure. You could just put 'em right there. 212 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,891 Hi. I'm Catalina. 213 00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:02,195 And you are-- Uh, Roxanne. 214 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,231 Roxanne. 215 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,867 You look like you have some tangles in the back. 216 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,269 Would you like me to-- 217 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,774 Oh, this is nice. 218 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,944 Two girls hanging out, 219 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,180 brushing each other's hair... like God intended. 220 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,315 [ Man ] * When I get that feelin' I want sexual healin' * 221 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,818 [ Sniffs ] 222 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:27,320 * Sexual healing * 223 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,490 Did you just lick my neck? Yes. No. Maybe. 224 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,727 It was a bug. Did you like it? * So fine * 225 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,063 Think I'm just gonna go get my clothes on now. 226 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,031 I'm probably coming on too strong. 227 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,067 I'm a new lesbian. Please call. 228 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,102 * When I get this feelin' ** 229 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:45,005 Hey, you're that bowling guy my friend Earl helped. 230 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,440 He lives two doors down. I'll let him know you're here. 231 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,480 Hey, Billie, I just saw the cops outside. We gotta move. 232 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:57,217 - Do I have time to get dressed? - Yes. But no bra and panties. 233 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,188 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't know what to do next, 234 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:04,191 but I'd never been more sure karma wanted me and Billie to be together. 235 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:07,795 She's robbing liquor stores on Christmas. I gotta find her. 236 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,230 Not just for me. Her life's outta control. [ Darnell Gargles, Spits ] 237 00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:13,733 Very interesting, Earl. How's that crane rental coming? 238 00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:16,303 Hook me up, Darnell. 239 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:20,307 Uh! Damn it, Darnell! You hit the tonic button. 240 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,776 Now I gotta add some gin just to make it taste right. 241 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,846 So what are we gonna do now, Earl? Where are we gonna find her? 242 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,248 - I don't know. - Why don't you ask karma? 243 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:35,022 What do I do now, karma? How do I find her? 244 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,125 - [ Phone Rings ] - [ Gasps ] 245 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,661 Crab Shack/ Turner residence. 246 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,763 It's for you. 247 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,403 - Hello? - I've got your girl. Get over here fast. 248 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,605 [ Earl Narrating ] Stuart and Kenny had a unique friendship, 249 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,675 and apparently Stuart felt like Kenny's would be a safe hiding place. 250 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,878 Hi, Stuart. 251 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,680 Oh, who's your ugly friend? This is, uh, Roxanne. 252 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,984 Stuart told Kenny he was doing some undercover police work for his mom, 253 00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:07,754 and "Roxanne" was a witness in an upcoming murder trial. 254 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:10,891 [ Grunting ] 255 00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:16,229 Just say something. We're live on my blog. 256 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,232 Hello, Kenny's friends. See? I told you he was funny. 257 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,301 Stuart. 258 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,336 Mom's here. 259 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,305 Is this really the plan? 260 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:28,775 Am I supposed to just sit around while you two blog each other? 261 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,511 Well! What a little mouth on her. 262 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:33,213 Kenny, can you keep a secret? 263 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,083 Is it about something you tried in college? 264 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,552 [ Earl Narrating ] So Stuart told him about Billie, 265 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:43,423 and Kenny couldn't pass up the chance to make their threesome a twosome. 266 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,826 There she is. 267 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,932 How's my breath? 268 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,834 Really warm. 269 00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:57,837 [ Earl Narrating ] Seein' Billie took my really warm breath away. 270 00:13:57,905 --> 00:14:02,142 Unfortunately, seein' Billie seemed to have the same effect on Frank. 271 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,979 I should've known as soon as he heard Billie was bad again, he'd want her back. 272 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,381 - [ Car Door Closes ] - Come on. 273 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,018 Let's go get that woman. Uh, for me. 274 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,320 Of course for you. 275 00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,923 If you're nervous, I could go in there and talk to her first. 276 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:19,359 That's really nice of you. Yeah. 277 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,462 Yeah, well, I'm a really nice guy. 278 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,600 You know, I just-- I just realized I can't talk to Billie now. 279 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,003 I gotta go home, get cleaned up, 280 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,172 maybe write down what I wanna say. 281 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:35,542 That, sir, is a great idea. 282 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:39,412 [ Laughs ] We'll both come back tomorrow. 283 00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:43,383 Well, I guess I should be gettin' you back to the halfway house. 284 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,718 And again, thank you for your help, 285 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:48,956 my loyal, honest friend. 286 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:52,993 Fire him. Fire the bastard now. 287 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,662 [ Earl Narrating ] The next morning, Frank waited to be released for work, 288 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,697 but nobody unlocked him. 289 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,000 Hey, don't forget to unlock me. 290 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,202 You got fired, champ. Aah. 291 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:05,405 Now who looks ridiculous? 292 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,541 Okay, still me. But at least I, Paco, get to leave. 293 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,377 Bye. 294 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,583 [ Earl Narrating ] I thought about goin' to Billie's right after I dropped Frank off, 295 00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:20,420 but I realized I only had one shot to convince Billie she was my soul mate. 296 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,589 I wanted to make sure I got it right. 297 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,459 "And even though most of those words were written by Bret Michaels in the '80s, 298 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,595 they're comin' straight from my heart." 299 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,032 - What do you think? - I think she's gonna lo-- Bird! 300 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,302 [ Squawks ] 301 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,307 [ Earl Narrating ] It's not every day you tell a woman you're meant to be together, 302 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,442 but I felt surprisingly calm. 303 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,178 Everything in my life was finally comin' together. [ Grunts ] 304 00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:48,281 Billie's mine! You can't have her! 305 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,018 Karma wants us together, Frank. You can't stop this. 306 00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,320 Yeah? Eat poo, backstabber. 307 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:57,290 [ Earl Narrating ] While I had my hands full outside, Billie was in a battle of her own. 308 00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,193 I need to go on the run by myself, and I'm gonna need money. 309 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,963 So I'm robbin' you, Kenny. I wanna be up-front about that. 310 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,433 Billie, please. Let's be reasonable. Think about all I've done for you. 311 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,468 Just like a woman. I'll bet she's on her period. 312 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,004 - Tie yourselves up. - I'll-I'll do it. 313 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:15,608 Billie, where are you gonna find a guy who cares about you as much as I do? 314 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:19,379 I don't need anyone to care about me. I can take care of myself. 315 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:24,484 There's not a lot of rope here. I know. I'll tie us together. Face-to-face is probably safest. 316 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,187 Billie, please. Let's think about-- She is over you. 317 00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:30,757 Can you put in that Moby CD on your way out? You can't go outside, Billie. 318 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,226 The cops are after you. You murdered Earl Hickey. 319 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,565 - Earl? - Not my day. 320 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:41,801 Wait. I thought I murdered you. I was just in a coma. 321 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,437 But it was beautiful there. 322 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:48,508 In my mind, I saw you every day, and we had a kid and a theme song. 323 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,546 Why are they tied up? 324 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,249 Billie, I love you. 325 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,751 And before you decide which one of us you wanna kiss, 326 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,554 you should know that not five minutes ago, Earl ate poo right outside. 327 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,157 What is going on? 328 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,126 Karma brought us together. That's why you hit me. 329 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:08,195 We're supposed to be together. 330 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,363 I hit her too. Maybe karma brought us together. 331 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,366 - Wait. You're the one that hit me? - I was gonna tell you. 332 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:16,769 Shut up and press tighter against me. It's the only way we're gonna survive this thing. 333 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:19,439 There's even a $100,000 insurance settlement waiting for you. 334 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,508 All you have to do is sign a form. 335 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:24,043 Thought we could use it to get married and buy a house. 336 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:27,247 - Hello, lover. Your getaway car is here. - I don't believe this. 337 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,582 - What are you doing here? - I'm in love with her. 338 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:31,618 - [ Catalina ] I'm in love with her. - So am I. 339 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,287 Yeah, me too. [ Groans ] [ Electricity Crackles ] 340 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,923 Look, Billie, this isn't how I wanted things to go. 341 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:40,660 I came here wearing a clean shirt and holding flowers. 342 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,730 And I was supposed to be the only person in the room who loved you. 343 00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,433 Oh, whatever. I'm the only person in the room who really knows you. 344 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,501 Who was there when your Aunt What's-her-name died? 345 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,171 - You mean my mom? - Yeah, her. 346 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,242 Billie, karma brought us together for a reason. 347 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:59,946 I went back to my old ways. You went back to your old ways. We both got hit. 348 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,115 Karma wants us to be good. 349 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,351 But I think we're supposed to be good together. 350 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,254 Or we could be bad together. 351 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,523 I learned things in prison that will blow your mind. 352 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,759 Billie, how else can you explain it? 353 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:16,163 When we both lost our way, we found each other. 354 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,802 I'm sorry, Frank. 355 00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:26,038 I can't go with you. Or you. 356 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,575 And certainly not you. 357 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:34,814 Because I'm supposed to be with you. 358 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,225 Fine. Fine. 359 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:48,127 Well, you know, you should know... 360 00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:52,865 that you're gonna be sayin' bye to the best thing you ever had. 361 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,402 Aw, who am I kidding? Even I don't believe that. 362 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,904 Hey, best of luck to youse, all right? 363 00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:02,175 This isn't the way I thought it would end. 364 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,511 I thought it would end with our naked breasts pressed together, 365 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,613 our long, smooth legs intertwined. 366 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,048 Barf! 367 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:11,050 [ Footsteps Receding ] 368 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,253 [ Sniffing ] 369 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,324 You smell great. Oh, yeah. 370 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,792 Frank must have sweated on me when we were fighting. 371 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,762 No, it's not him. 372 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,533 It's you. 373 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,001 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and Billie had finally found each other, 374 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,104 but we weren't the only ones karma was lookin' out for. 375 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,608 [ Footsteps Receding ] I'm gonna die alone in my mother's house. 376 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,977 Or we could die in each other's arms as old men... 377 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,713 living in Boca Raton, surrounded by Jack Russell terriers. 378 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,553 I love Jack Russell terriers. 379 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,891 [ Earl Narrating ] And karma wasn't only connecting new lovers, 380 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,060 it was reconnecting old ones-- 381 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,695 Catalina! 382 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,836 - Catalina! - Paco! 383 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,242 [ Man ] * Lord Almighty * 384 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,511 like Catalina and her childhood sweetheart-- * I feel my temperature rising * 385 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:14,381 and a convict and his plus-sized lover. 386 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,749 [ Electrical Crackling ] [ Both Moaning ] 387 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:20,387 And Billie did use that $100,000 from Stuart's insurance to get married, 388 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,522 but not to Stuart. 389 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,457 For the third time, I got hitched... 390 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,593 to a woman I hardly knew. 391 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:30,930 But much like fifth grade, I think the third time, I got it right. 392 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,903 * Your kisses lift me higher * 393 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,939 * Like the sweet song of a choir * 394 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,842 Finally life was just where karma wanted it... 395 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,412 and where I wanted it too. 396 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,482 * I'm just a hunk a hunk of burnin' love **