[ Earl Narrating ] It was nice bein' out of my coma and back where I belonged,
but I couldn't get Billie off my mind.
I was pretty sure karma wanted me to find her.
It's official. There's only two Billy Cunninghams in the phone book,
and neither of those guys thinks he's my soul mate.
Billie, Billie, Billie. Don't you wanna hear what's been going on with us?
Randy was our town crier while you were comatose.
That's actually a clever play on words,
in that he both recorded the town happenings and cried a lot.
Read the list, dum-dum.
"I got a notepad. I got a paper cut.
Fire marshal kicked Joy and family out of their sideways trailer."
That's right, Dip Van Winkle.
Trailer's still on its side since you knocked it over,
so now we live in the Crab Shack.
I'm tellin' ya', you gotta carry the three.
This is my spelling homework.
Joy, I promise I'll get your trailer tipped right side up...
as soon as I get enough money to rent a crane.
"A raccoon fought a opossum for half a bag of french fries...
"in the motel parking lot.
A fry got left behind. I ate a fry."
- Oh, and I'm a lesbian. - [ Randy ] Catalina, it's not your turn yet.
Did I just hear Chiquita Banana say she isn't into bananas anymore?
What happened? Did you get a bad banana?
It wasn't the bananas, it was the trees who waggle them around.
In The Wizard of Oz, the trees threw apples. Trees are bastards.
All men are bastards. My father, who gambled me away in a foosball game,
and my childhood sweetheart, who convinced me to come to this country only to abandon me.
Thanks to him, now I live a fairy-tale life of a maid and a stripper.
Oh, please. I know what you're up to.
Pretending to be a lesbian will probably double your business at Club Chubby.
When I was in high school, I told my gym teacher I was a lesbian just to get a "B."
She hadn't called my bluff in the shower, I would've gotten an "A."
I'm a real Chapstick lesbian.
The only person I wanna strip for now is Miss Right.
Well, good luck. I'm looking for my Miss Right too.
Damn, Earl. You got Frank's car. You got Frank's trailer.
Now you want Frank's ex? Why you gotta sleep inside everything that's Frank's?
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy's little insult gave me an idea.
That's how I'll find Billie-- Frank.
Let's go, Randy.
Finish up your homework, boys.
Crab water's almost cool enough for your bath.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] We found out because of prison overcrowding,
Frank had been sent to a halfway house.
[ Hooting, Whooping, Whistling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't looking forward to talking to Frank,
seeing how he used to date Billie and he's crazy,
but he was my only chance at finding her.
Oh, my God. Hey.
- Oh, my God. It's good to see you. - So, how are you?
Hungry. Really hungry.
They put tranquilizers in our food to keep us down.
I'm starving. I-I actually ate a bar of soap yesterday.
This morning I pooped bubbles.
Guys were running around popping 'em. It-It's crazy in here.
You want a little fruit?
I carry apple slices in my pocket now.
We haven't gotten to that page yet.
I gotta say, you're looking good, Frank.
Strong, healthy. Beautiful necklace.
Nah, it's not just a necklace. I learned that the hard way.
- ** [ "Turkey In The Straw" Over P.A. ] - Ice cream! Ice cream!
[ Electricity Crackling ] [ Groaning ]
[ Earl ] Hey, Paco. Saludos, Earl, Randy.
I used to deliver for Camden Foreign Foods.
Being Senor Lo Mein sucks, doesn't it?
Yes. But if you have a job, they take your collar off...
and let you out of here for eight hours a day.
Why don't you get a job like Paco?
I refuse to dress like a bullfighting yodeler and dance like a monkey.
Keep eating soap, genius. Bye.
So, we just, uh, came by to find out how you were doin'.
I thought we were here to find Billie. Remember?
You said you were scared because Frank used to date her.
You also said that one of us should do all the talking.
It was you. Go ahead, Earl.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You wanna date Billie?
Yes, and I just want you to know that karma's on my side,
so if you attack me, something bad will happen to you.
Aw, you know what? Don't worry about it. I-I'm over her anyway.
Really? You're really over her?
Yeah. Plus, she's living a good life now, like you.
It'd be like if Mother Theresa started dating that bald guy in the diapers. What's his name?
Gumby.
Thanks, Frank. That means a lot. So, can you help me find Billie?
Yeah, I could do that, but you gotta help me first.
I need a job so I could get outta here every day.
Maybe we can get him a job as a bikini inspector.
I've seen the uniforms on sale at the mall.
Or he could be a beaver hunter, but you might need a license for that.
[ Earl Narrating ] I knew I needed Frank's help,
so I went to see if Darnell would be willing to hire him.
He won't even be around to bother you 'cause he'll be helping me find Billie.
Are you sure the boys are okay?
I told them they were bunk beds, and they believed me.
Startin' to realize there's no point in saving up for college.
I'll hire Frank if it's okay with Joy.
The man did point a gun at her belly when she was delivering a baby.
Weren't my baby. I don't give a crap.
- [ Phone Rings ] - Oh, come on.
- Who calls a bar after 7:00? We got kids sleeping. - [ Ringing Continues ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The next day, Frank was officially employed...
and pretty excited to get a little taste of freedom.
[ Panting ]
Frank thought the best place to look for Billie was her cousin Jocelyn's.
You have a lot of nerve thinking you can walk in here and ask me for a favor, dirtbag.
Did I mention I may have had sex with Jocelyn...
while me and Billie were on a short break?
No, you did not.
Because he's too much of a gentleman.
I'm gonna go for a run.
- So, have you heard from Billie? - I may have.
Come on, Jocelyn, baby, don't be pissed.
Besides, me and Billie are over.
And you are looking so fine, girl.
You know, she has the most incredible feet.
Go ahead, show him your feet. Let him see 'em.
[ Laughs ] Oh, Frank.
She stayed here for a while after she got kicked out of nursing school for cheating.
Mmm! There they are. There is the stuff right there, girl.
Cheatin'? Billie was living a good life.
My diabetic ass. That girl's been going nuts.
She stole my rent money, siphoned my gas and then robbed a liquor store on Christmas Day.
I mean, who holds someone at gunpoint on Jesus' birthday?
Billie hit me on Christmas Day.
She was probably running from the liquor store.
Sounds like your girl's gone back to the dark side.
Come and take a look at these little sausages. They're fantastic.
Uh, Jocelyn, do you have any idea where Billie is now?
She called a week or so ago, needing help.
Same old story.
You can check my caller I.D. if you want.
This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home.
Jocelyn, you remember where this little piggy went? [ Giggling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] We didn't know how to trace the caller I.D. number,
so we went to the only person we knew who had access to the World Wide Web.
Yeah, it seemed like karma was bringing Billie to me as a reward,
but now I realize karma was also bringing me to Billie.
I think I'm supposed to help her get her life back on track.
Karma wants her to be our girlfriend.
Ahh. That couldn't be more romantic if Manilow sang it in a bubble bath.
- [ Beeps ] - Oh, oh, here's the number.
Looks like it's a pay phone.
Hey, wh-what's this Web site you got covered up?
What's a "DILF"?
Oh, uh-uh-uh, that's, uh, "Dads I'd Like to Find."
I-I-I've lost touch with the fathers of some of my childhood friends.
- Well, let's check and see if our dad's on there. - Ohh!
Is that really what dads do when mommies aren't around?
[ Earl Narrating ] Kenny gave us the address for the pay phone,
so we went there and waited, hoping we'd see Billie.
We decided that me and Frank would watch to the south,
Randy would keep an eye on the north.
Frank, what does Billie like? Any tips you can give me to help me out?
Well, she was really into my musky scent.
And I used to drive her crazy with this move. Huh?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Women are complicated.
Stuart? Oh, hey, Earl.
It's Stuart Daniels. Former cop, current bowler.
He was on my list. Hey, I remember you.
Your, uh-- Your mother's the police chief, right?
And your sister's that fiery little redheaded cop...
that likes to frisk all the way up to the sack.
- Is she seein' anyone? - No. So, what are you doing on my street?
We're lookin' for a girl, Billie Cunningham.
She hit me with her car. Haven't seen her.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turned out, Stuart knew more about Billie than he was saying.
Stuart first met Billie when he hit her with his car.
- [ Groans ] - [ Brakes Squeal ]
Oh, crap.
[ Earl Narrating ] He started visiting her because he was feeling guilty.
[ Man ] * Girlfriend in a coma I know, I know it's serious *
But as he spent more time with her, he started to feel other things.
Stuart had once hit a dog, brought it home and nursed it back to health,
and he thought if the dog grew to love him, why couldn't Billie?
And finally, Billie woke up.
So, no one knows who hit me?
Total mystery. And since you don't remember, I guess we'll never know.
No, the only thing I remember is hitting Earl.
Is he okay? I'm the one who found you.
I've been watching over you. Do you need a place to stay? I've got my own room.
Is Earl okay? Uh, what if he was? I mean, how would you feel?
Happy. But me-- How would you feel about me?
Would you stay with me?
I don't even know you. Right, right.
Earl's dead. You killed him.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
[ Earl Narrating ] Stuart told Billie she was in trouble...
and the cops had been coming every day, waiting to ask her questions.
And, believing him, she let him sneak her out of the hospital.
He squeezed me! He squeezed me!
Eventually, she got away from Stuart long enough to make a phone call.
Jocelyn, you gotta help me.
I'm sure the cops have been there lookin' for me.
I'm staying with this really creepy guy.
He wears swim trunks in the shower. And a baseball hat.
Good luck finding that girl. I'll keep an eye out for her. I have to go.
I have some lettuce I gotta put in the crisper.
The cops are right outside looking for you. We gotta move.
[ Earl Narrating ] After two long days of staking out Billie's pay phone,
we finally caught a break.
Unfortunately, it was a bad break.
While we were figuring out what to do next,
Stuart and Billie had already settled into their new hiding place.
Oh, hello.
Did someone order towels?
Sure. You could just put 'em right there.
Hi. I'm Catalina.
And you are-- Uh, Roxanne.
Roxanne.
You look like you have some tangles in the back.
Would you like me to--
Oh, this is nice.
Two girls hanging out,
brushing each other's hair... like God intended.
[ Man ] * When I get that feelin' I want sexual healin' *
[ Sniffs ]
* Sexual healing *
Did you just lick my neck? Yes. No. Maybe.
It was a bug. Did you like it? * So fine *
Think I'm just gonna go get my clothes on now.
I'm probably coming on too strong.
I'm a new lesbian. Please call.
* When I get this feelin' **
Hey, you're that bowling guy my friend Earl helped.
He lives two doors down. I'll let him know you're here.
Hey, Billie, I just saw the cops outside. We gotta move.
- Do I have time to get dressed? - Yes. But no bra and panties.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't know what to do next,
but I'd never been more sure karma wanted me and Billie to be together.
She's robbing liquor stores on Christmas. I gotta find her.
Not just for me. Her life's outta control. [ Darnell Gargles, Spits ]
Very interesting, Earl. How's that crane rental coming?
Hook me up, Darnell.
Uh! Damn it, Darnell! You hit the tonic button.
Now I gotta add some gin just to make it taste right.
So what are we gonna do now, Earl? Where are we gonna find her?
- I don't know. - Why don't you ask karma?
What do I do now, karma? How do I find her?
- [ Phone Rings ] - [ Gasps ]
Crab Shack/ Turner residence.
It's for you.
- Hello? - I've got your girl. Get over here fast.
[ Earl Narrating ] Stuart and Kenny had a unique friendship,
and apparently Stuart felt like Kenny's would be a safe hiding place.
Hi, Stuart.
Oh, who's your ugly friend? This is, uh, Roxanne.
Stuart told Kenny he was doing some undercover police work for his mom,
and "Roxanne" was a witness in an upcoming murder trial.
[ Grunting ]
Just say something. We're live on my blog.
Hello, Kenny's friends. See? I told you he was funny.
Stuart.
Mom's here.
Is this really the plan?
Am I supposed to just sit around while you two blog each other?
Well! What a little mouth on her.
Kenny, can you keep a secret?
Is it about something you tried in college?
[ Earl Narrating ] So Stuart told him about Billie,
and Kenny couldn't pass up the chance to make their threesome a twosome.
There she is.
How's my breath?
Really warm.
[ Earl Narrating ] Seein' Billie took my really warm breath away.
Unfortunately, seein' Billie seemed to have the same effect on Frank.
I should've known as soon as he heard Billie was bad again, he'd want her back.
- [ Car Door Closes ] - Come on.
Let's go get that woman. Uh, for me.
Of course for you.
If you're nervous, I could go in there and talk to her first.
That's really nice of you. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'm a really nice guy.
You know, I just-- I just realized I can't talk to Billie now.
I gotta go home, get cleaned up,
maybe write down what I wanna say.
That, sir, is a great idea.
[ Laughs ] We'll both come back tomorrow.
Well, I guess I should be gettin' you back to the halfway house.
And again, thank you for your help,
my loyal, honest friend.
Fire him. Fire the bastard now.
[ Earl Narrating ] The next morning, Frank waited to be released for work,
but nobody unlocked him.
Hey, don't forget to unlock me.
You got fired, champ. Aah.
Now who looks ridiculous?
Okay, still me. But at least I, Paco, get to leave.
Bye.
[ Earl Narrating ] I thought about goin' to Billie's right after I dropped Frank off,
but I realized I only had one shot to convince Billie she was my soul mate.
I wanted to make sure I got it right.
"And even though most of those words were written by Bret Michaels in the '80s,
they're comin' straight from my heart."
- What do you think? - I think she's gonna lo-- Bird!
[ Squawks ]
[ Earl Narrating ] It's not every day you tell a woman you're meant to be together,
but I felt surprisingly calm.
Everything in my life was finally comin' together. [ Grunts ]
Billie's mine! You can't have her!
Karma wants us together, Frank. You can't stop this.
Yeah? Eat poo, backstabber.
[ Earl Narrating ] While I had my hands full outside, Billie was in a battle of her own.
I need to go on the run by myself, and I'm gonna need money.
So I'm robbin' you, Kenny. I wanna be up-front about that.
Billie, please. Let's be reasonable. Think about all I've done for you.
Just like a woman. I'll bet she's on her period.
- Tie yourselves up. - I'll-I'll do it.
Billie, where are you gonna find a guy who cares about you as much as I do?
I don't need anyone to care about me. I can take care of myself.
There's not a lot of rope here. I know. I'll tie us together. Face-to-face is probably safest.
Billie, please. Let's think about-- She is over you.
Can you put in that Moby CD on your way out? You can't go outside, Billie.
The cops are after you. You murdered Earl Hickey.
- Earl? - Not my day.
Wait. I thought I murdered you. I was just in a coma.
But it was beautiful there.
In my mind, I saw you every day, and we had a kid and a theme song.
Why are they tied up?
Billie, I love you.
And before you decide which one of us you wanna kiss,
you should know that not five minutes ago, Earl ate poo right outside.
What is going on?
Karma brought us together. That's why you hit me.
We're supposed to be together.
I hit her too. Maybe karma brought us together.
- Wait. You're the one that hit me? - I was gonna tell you.
Shut up and press tighter against me. It's the only way we're gonna survive this thing.
There's even a $100,000 insurance settlement waiting for you.
All you have to do is sign a form.
Thought we could use it to get married and buy a house.
- Hello, lover. Your getaway car is here. - I don't believe this.
- What are you doing here? - I'm in love with her.
- [ Catalina ] I'm in love with her. - So am I.
Yeah, me too. [ Groans ] [ Electricity Crackles ]
Look, Billie, this isn't how I wanted things to go.
I came here wearing a clean shirt and holding flowers.
And I was supposed to be the only person in the room who loved you.
Oh, whatever. I'm the only person in the room who really knows you.
Who was there when your Aunt What's-her-name died?
- You mean my mom? - Yeah, her.
Billie, karma brought us together for a reason.
I went back to my old ways. You went back to your old ways. We both got hit.
Karma wants us to be good.
But I think we're supposed to be good together.
Or we could be bad together.
I learned things in prison that will blow your mind.
Billie, how else can you explain it?
When we both lost our way, we found each other.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I can't go with you. Or you.
And certainly not you.
Because I'm supposed to be with you.
Fine. Fine.
Well, you know, you should know...
that you're gonna be sayin' bye to the best thing you ever had.
Aw, who am I kidding? Even I don't believe that.
Hey, best of luck to youse, all right?
This isn't the way I thought it would end.
I thought it would end with our naked breasts pressed together,
our long, smooth legs intertwined.
Barf!
[ Footsteps Receding ]
[ Sniffing ]
You smell great. Oh, yeah.
Frank must have sweated on me when we were fighting.
No, it's not him.
It's you.
[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Billie had finally found each other,
but we weren't the only ones karma was lookin' out for.
[ Footsteps Receding ] I'm gonna die alone in my mother's house.
Or we could die in each other's arms as old men...
living in Boca Raton, surrounded by Jack Russell terriers.
I love Jack Russell terriers.
[ Earl Narrating ] And karma wasn't only connecting new lovers,
it was reconnecting old ones--
Catalina!
- Catalina! - Paco!
[ Man ] * Lord Almighty *
like Catalina and her childhood sweetheart-- * I feel my temperature rising *
and a convict and his plus-sized lover.
[ Electrical Crackling ] [ Both Moaning ]
And Billie did use that $100,000 from Stuart's insurance to get married,
but not to Stuart.
For the third time, I got hitched...
to a woman I hardly knew.
But much like fifth grade, I think the third time, I got it right.
* Your kisses lift me higher *
* Like the sweet song of a choir *
Finally life was just where karma wanted it...
and where I wanted it too.
* I'm just a hunk a hunk of burnin' love **