1 00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:05,173 [ Earl Narrating ] Being in a coma is never fun, 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,808 but Randy did his best to cheer me up. 3 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,544 Ooh. "Basic nutrient pack." 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,546 Now with cobbler. 5 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,149 [ Earl Narrating ] And I didn't have to worry about doing my list, 6 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:18,319 'cause my friends were doing it for me, hoping karma would help me get better. 7 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,355 Wasn't always easy, especially for Randy. 8 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,592 So when it was his turn to pick, he decided to do a list item... 9 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,628 [ Doorbell Rings ] at the one place he was sure he knew how to get to. 10 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,964 Hi, Mom. Me and Joy are here to make up for the time Earl ruined Dad's vacation... 11 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:35,002 so we can cross it off the list and wake Earl up out of his coma. 12 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:38,772 Earl's in a coma? Carl, Earl's in a coma! I'm getting my purse! 13 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,910 - What happened? - He got hit by a car a month ago. 14 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,113 Come on! He's in a coma! A month ago? 15 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,116 And you didn't think to mention that when you were here for lunch last week? 16 00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,151 I got distracted, okay? 17 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,921 - How'd he get hit by a car? - He was running in the street after his intervention. 18 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,390 - Intervention for what? - Don't worry. He was not on drugs. 19 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,992 He was just acting crazy after he got out of prison. 20 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:03,564 Earl was in prison? I'm gonna have to revise my Christmas letter. 21 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,135 My name is Earl. 22 00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:13,607 Oh, for goodness' sake. 23 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,145 They've got him hooked up to so many machines. 24 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,782 Why is he wearing a "do not resuscitate" bracelet? That was my idea. 25 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:26,754 Figured if they "suscitated" him once and it didn't work, they shouldn't do it again. 26 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,857 Randy, please don't tell me you're the one making all the decisions about Earl. 27 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,792 Yes, he is. 28 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:35,229 Last week he demanded they remove Earl's tonsils. 29 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,531 In my defense, I was pretty drunk. 30 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,833 Take me to see Earl's doctor right now. 31 00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,171 If he wakes up while I'm gone, 32 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:47,575 first thing you should do is tell him there's a tube in his wiener so he doesn't freak. 33 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,478 I'll be in the cafeteria. 34 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:58,252 So-- [ Sighs ] 35 00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:03,457 Randy told me that you got the time you guys ruined my vacation on your list. 36 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,527 That was one messed-up day. 37 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:09,497 [ Earl Narrating ] Ever since my parents made me on their honeymoon, 38 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,500 my dad had been scared to death to go on another vacation. 39 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,002 But Mom finally convinced him she wasn't fertile anymore. 40 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:18,206 "American Samoa: Come see why the Japanese wanted it." 41 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,274 Sounds nice. 42 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,243 Well, I thought house-sitting... 43 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:26,480 would be a wonderful opportunity to show what responsible adults you've become. 44 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,783 Or you can break my heart again. It's up to you. 45 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,487 I'll miss you both, especially if your plane goes down. 46 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,723 I don't know if I'd miss you more, but I'd miss you longer. 47 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,891 You just say whatever you think, don't you? 48 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,861 Come on, Kay. They can't disappoint us if we don't leave. 49 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,863 [ Earl Narrating ] As soon as my parents left, 50 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:46,234 me and Randy decided to hit the liquor cabinet. 51 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:49,036 It's gone. It's all gone. 52 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,239 This isn't a liquor cabinet anymore. 53 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,106 It's just a cabinet! 54 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:56,577 Vacation time! Let's get our drink on. Ticktock, booze o'clock. 55 00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,779 Where are the boys? I thought you were pickin' em up... 56 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,148 so they could play at their grandparents' house. 57 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:04,585 Their other grandparents' house. I don't like 'em spending time in two-story houses. 58 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,355 They'll get all snooty and start thinking about college and vaccines. 59 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:10,090 [ Earl Narrating ] We decided to go on a beer run, 60 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:13,227 since there was no way Joy was gonna do me in my parents' bed, sober. 61 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,997 I think Paula makes good points. It's Simon that seems like he's high all the time. 62 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,999 I've never seen it. 63 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,436 But Randy likes that guy Randy the best 'cause he's got Randy's name. 64 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,506 Makes sense. That's why I buy Joy dish-washing liquid. 65 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,575 It's a good conversation piece. 66 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,444 [ Man ] * Earthquakes and lightnin' * 67 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,681 * I see bad times today * 68 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,619 * Don't go 'round tonight * Spare change? 69 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:41,221 * Well, it's bound to take your life * Uh-uh. 70 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:44,825 * There's a bad moon on the rise * 71 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,896 ** [ Continues ] Guess what I learned. 72 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,865 They call it a six-pack 'cause there's six beers in it. 73 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,768 It has nothing to do with people's tummies. 74 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,770 [ Engine Starts ] 75 00:03:56,837 --> 00:04:00,508 - * Looks like we're in for nasty weather * - Hey! 76 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:04,177 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! That's my bag! 77 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,247 * One eye is taken for an eye * 78 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,717 * Well, don't go 'round tonight * 79 00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,985 * 'Cause it's bound to take your life ** Ohh! Come on! 80 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:13,721 No! 81 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,624 When we got home, we were surprised to find the duffel bag, 82 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,393 but even more surprised by what was in it. 83 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,962 Sweet mother. Look at all that pot! 84 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,032 I was hoping for money. Or socks. I need socks. 85 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,135 If it was money, I could've bought socks. So what do we do with it? 86 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:31,905 We're not gonna smoke it. Smoking weed kills your brain cells. 87 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,642 Drinking only screws up your liver. You got two of those. 88 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:38,412 Yeah, I don't understand weed. When you smoke, you get the munchies and you get fat. 89 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:42,115 When you drink, you throw up and you get skinny. That's just physics. 90 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:46,286 How the hell did all this weed get in the back of the car? It probably fell from the sky. 91 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:48,389 Sometimes surprises fall from there. 92 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:52,125 Remember that giant blue Popsicle without a stick landing on my head? 93 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,094 It was disgusting. 94 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,197 My Aunt Sheila used to get high as a kite when she baby-sat me. 95 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,833 It was fun until she convinced herself she really was a kite. 96 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,403 I'd have to stand outside for hours, holding her by a string. 97 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:06,407 - Do you think Aunt Sheila would buy a duffel bag full of weed? - No, she's way into crack now. 98 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:10,210 Then we'll have to go buy Baggies and get rid of it a little at a time. 99 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,079 But this is a one-time thing. 100 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,749 We'll only sell it to bad people. No women, no children. 101 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,786 I think Mom would be really proud of us right now. 102 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:27,027 Joy, make sure to get flavored vodka. I like it when my throw-up tastes like cherry. 103 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:30,431 Flavored vodka is for sissies and pregnant women. You'll get what you get. 104 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,770 I don't know. The thing was such a piece of junk, I thought it was abandoned. 105 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,940 Wait a minute. 106 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:44,244 So with the boozes and the plastic bag and the chips, 107 00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,847 that'll be 182.61. 108 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:51,284 Oh, my. I seem to have brought the wrong purse. 109 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,787 All I have is-- 110 00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,789 Hello! 111 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,827 Can't trade a clump of pot for groceries anymore. 112 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:03,130 We need to get a Democrat back in office. 113 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,567 - Get in the back. - You don't know me. You don't tell me what to d-- 114 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,571 Scoot over, dum-dum. 115 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:14,742 [ Earl ] The thing we learned about finding a duffel bag full of marijuana... 116 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:18,612 is that the original owners usually aren't too worried about carrying unregistered handguns. 117 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,380 [ Earl ] Mom? 118 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,349 D-Dad? What are you doin' here? 119 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,852 Our flight got delayed five hours, 120 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,522 which apparently was enough time for you to turn my house into a drug den. 121 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:31,825 Well, this trust exercise went horribly wrong. 122 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:35,062 I can't believe you brought dope in the house. 123 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,965 And you put it on your dead grandmother's coffee table. 124 00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:41,935 That stuff is addictive, and it fosters antisocial behavior. 125 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:46,006 I'll be in the bedroom. Leave me alone. 126 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,076 Dad, w-where's the weed? 127 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,945 - Your father destroyed it! - What? 128 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,847 You destroyed m-my weed? 129 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,350 - He destroyed my weed? - Oh, God. 130 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,553 I don't wanna die in shorts. 131 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,856 Just t-t-take it easy. W-W-We can pay you back. 132 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,225 I don't need money. This was gonna be my first big delivery. 133 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,495 I was trying to prove I could be middle-management material. 134 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:10,564 Now I'm gonna have to kill you, which could skyrocket me to upper management, 135 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,500 and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. 136 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,435 Okay, okay. [ Laughing ] Relax. 137 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:18,872 I, uh-- I-I-I didn't really destroy the weed. 138 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,442 I just told my wife I burned it to calm her down. 139 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:25,412 I actually threw it in a well. 140 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:28,482 So, i-i-if you just come with me-- 141 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,852 Yeah, right. So you can push me down the well or something? I don't think so. 142 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,921 [ Stammering ] H-How about this? 143 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:38,458 Uh, keep some of us here as insurance, and me and my dad'll go get the weed. 144 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,594 - And me. - And Randy. - And me. 145 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,462 And Joy. And we'll get my mother too. 146 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:45,032 No. This is how we're gonna work it. 147 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:48,669 - Okay, you guys go. The women stay here. - Shotgun! 148 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,810 [ Earl Narrating ] While we went to get the weed, 149 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,812 the pot dealer held Mom and Joy hostage. 150 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,848 There's still a well at the park? 151 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,916 I thought the city had it cemented over... 152 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,886 when Randy fell in trying to hug his twin brother at the bottom. 153 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,288 That was awesome. I got my picture in the paper. 154 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:11,291 Except that stupid fireman's hat blocked my face. I hate that guy. 155 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:15,228 The pot is not in the well. Your mother was telling the truth. 156 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,097 I destroyed it. 157 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,907 Stay away, Joe. Toxic! Stand back! 158 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,976 [ Coughing ] 159 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,812 I can't believe you destroyed it. What were you thinking? 160 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:35,148 What was I thinking? You brought drugs into my house. 161 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,618 I am the weekend captain of our neighborhood watch, for cryin' out loud. 162 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:42,355 The bag ended up in my car. What was I supposed to do, leave it in the driveway? 163 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,659 Kids could've gotten to it. Or birds. You want a bunch of high birds flying around? 164 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,261 You know what? I don't care what you do. 165 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:51,965 I give up on you. Randy, you I still have hope for. 166 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,334 I thought you always said you loved us both equal. 167 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,236 That's just something parents say. 168 00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,808 - [ Carl Grunts ] - People don't hug enough. 169 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,877 Okay. [ Grunts ] Look what you did. 170 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,879 [ Earl Narrating ] There was only one person I knew... 171 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,650 who I thought might be able to help me undo what I did. 172 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,752 - We need something. - You need weed. 173 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:14,254 - How'd you know? - It's usually what's goin' on... 174 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,857 when a bunch of white people walk up to me and start whispering. 175 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,759 White people are nuts. 176 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:22,830 - We need enough to fill a duffel bag about yea-big. - And make it fast. 177 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,733 Wait. Aren't you neighborhood watch? 178 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,802 I'm not buyin' for me. I don't smoke drugs. 179 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,972 [ Earl Narrating ] Drugs were a touchy topic with my dad, 180 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,975 especially after he had a bad experience with them at Woodstock. 181 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,811 Hey, off the blanket. Off the blanket! Off-- [ Woman ] Easy, man. 182 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,980 [ Giggling ] Carl. Carl. 183 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:44,484 I've got a problem with my hair. I'm having trouble understanding it. 184 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:48,588 What are you talking about? A nice, naked hippie couple gave me some brownies. 185 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,558 Kay, I told you not to take food from hippies. 186 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,961 Why can't we feel our hair, Carl? 187 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:57,631 I need some scissors. I need to cut off my dead skull carpet. 188 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:01,501 Damn it, Kay. Sha Na Na is about to go on! Kay! 189 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,804 Sorry about my dad. He's a little on edge. 190 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:07,340 He might miss his vacation, and some drug dealer's holding my mom hostage. 191 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:11,211 Say no more. We've all been there. What kind are you looking for? 192 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:15,248 I don't know a brand name. I burned it all in the trash can. 193 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,151 [ Sniffs ] 194 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,387 Mendocino Greeno. 195 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,557 Reminds me of a trip to Six Flags I'm sure I enjoyed, but have no memory of. 196 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,626 So you can help us? 197 00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:30,197 You'll need to go see a guy named Circus at the Palm Motel, Room 231. 198 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:34,702 Uh, probably run you about 2,000 crabs. That's dollars. 199 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,636 I'm tryin' to get it to catch on, 200 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,707 but I can tell from your faces you're not going to be early adopters. 201 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,710 [ Earl Narrating ] While we were off trying to buy a duffel bag of weed, 202 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,779 Joy was trying to keep her mouth shut, which, of course, was impossible. 203 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,782 Oh, snap. Snap what? 204 00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:52,886 I know you. You're that boy from school that used to have those panic attacks. 205 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:56,857 You'd have to lay on the floor and suck your fingers. We used to call you Floor Finger Sucker. 206 00:10:56,924 --> 00:11:01,561 Yeah? Well, I wasn't the only one in high school with a nickname that ended in "sucker." 207 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:06,099 But unlike you, my nickname just made me more popular, Floor Finger Sucker. 208 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,874 - Say it again. - Floor Finger Sucker. 209 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:19,279 [ Muffled ] I can't breathe! I can't breathe! 210 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,515 No. No, no, no, no, no. 211 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,485 I take the tape off, you're just gonna call me Floor Finger Sucker again. 212 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:28,288 [ Coughing ] 213 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,696 Floor Finger Sucker! 214 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,032 [ Earl Narrating ] All the stress was really getting to Dwayne. 215 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:44,537 So he snuck off to my parents' bathroom to suck on his fingers and something even worse. 216 00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:48,909 [ Man ] * Open up your window Let some air into this room * 217 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:52,913 * I think I'm almost chokin' from the smell of stale perfume * 218 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,848 * And that cigarette you're smokin' * 219 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,084 * 'Bout scared me half to death * 220 00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,053 * Open up the window, sucker Let me catch my breath * 221 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,022 ** [ Continues ] My parents had smoke alarms, 222 00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,859 but unlucky for my mom, they weren't mounted on her face. 223 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:09,396 And while Mom was checkin' out, Dad was droppin' in. 224 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,965 [ Gasps ] Is Kay all right? 225 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,467 She's fine. You are my hero. Thank God you came. 226 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:18,972 'Cause my legs are starting to cramp and my tongue is-- [ Muffled Shouting ] 227 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,175 [ Muffled ] Come on! 228 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,478 Come on! [ Continues Shouting ] 229 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,250 Come on. Let's go. Is he after you? 230 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:32,352 No. Our flight leaves in two hours. 231 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,922 But we still gotta stop by the bank and cash these savings bonds. 232 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,524 I'm sorry you have to cash in your bonds, Dad. 233 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,928 They're not mine. Your relatives gave them to you for college. 234 00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:44,998 So when Harvard finally comes calling, you're screwed. 235 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:50,237 Hold on. You always said these were back-up copies of my birth certificate. 236 00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,405 That's because I knew you'd steal them. 237 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:56,343 But they're my money. You've been keepin' it from me. Who's the criminal now? 238 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,479 I've been saving 'em until I thought you were responsible enough to handle them. 239 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:03,783 Obviously that's failed, because we're using them to buy a duffel bag of marijuana! 240 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,186 Now let's go. 241 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:09,222 Do I have any savings bonds? You have a couple. 242 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,525 But most of the relatives took 'em back when Mom brought you home from the hospital... 243 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:15,162 and you still weren't responding to light or sound. 244 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,766 [ Earl Narrating ] After a quick stop at the bank, we went to buy drugs... 245 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,769 in the very motel room me and Randy would eventually call home. 246 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,438 We're here to buy pot. Dad, you're not supposed to just say it. 247 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:28,041 No, it's okay. Your honesty is refreshing. 248 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,343 Follow me. I'll get Circus. 249 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,579 Dibs. 250 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:38,919 Oh, look. Our next stop on our tour of lowlifes. 251 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,154 [ Catalina ] Circus! Open up! Randy, you keep following your idiot brother, 252 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,290 you're gonna end up living together in a dump like this. 253 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:46,659 How could we both live here? There's only one bed. We're two guys. 254 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:50,097 Dad, give us some credit. We're not gonna end up living in a motel. 255 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,165 Don't talk to me. I've already given up on you. 256 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:55,402 What do you want? I'm trying to shave the kangaroo. 257 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:59,539 Two weed-heads and a narc are here to see you. 258 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,342 You lick that shaving cream off, I'm gonna put pepper on your pouch again. 259 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,951 Oh, hey, what's up, people that are not wearing their Speedos? 260 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,120 [ Chuckling ] [ Chuckle ] 261 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,289 Darnell sent us. We need to make a purchase. 262 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,358 Ah, certainly. No, I recognize you two. 263 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:23,496 You're that guy that runs around with that tight little blonde with the variety-pack kids. 264 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:27,867 I'm just, like, wondering about this old dude. 265 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,703 Don't call me "dude." 266 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:36,209 Easy, Lebowski. I just need to do a security check to make sure you're not wearing a wire. 267 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,321 Saint Christopher, holy patron of travelers, 268 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,591 protect me and lead me safely to my destination. 269 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,526 Oh, I think he likes you. 270 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,563 What is Cairo? What is Paris? What is Spain? What is Europe? 271 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,666 [ TV: Buzzer ] [ TV: Host ] The correct response is, "What are pies?" 272 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,668 [ Groans ] I knew that. 273 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,671 Look what Mr. Scissors did. 274 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,507 - What the hell are you doin', lady? - I'm getting rid of my hair. 275 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,043 It's dead. It's all dead. 276 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,745 It just sits there, doing nothing. 277 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,182 It's loitering. [ Giggles ] 278 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,884 I'm so hungry, I could kill a child. 279 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,886 Okay, you're freaking me out, man. 280 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,754 Way to go, Floor Finger Sucker. 281 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:24,791 She got a contact high from the doob you smoked and now she's trippin'. 282 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,760 [ Gagging ] 283 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:30,030 What the hell are we supposed to do? 284 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,432 [ Gagging Continues ] 285 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,103 He's clean. 286 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:38,138 Well, that was long and uncomfortable. 287 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,540 Have a seat, gentlemen. 288 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,944 [ Chattering ] Help yourself to some cashews. 289 00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:47,981 What are you in the neighborhood to purchase? 290 00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:51,951 We'd like a duffel bag's worth of, uh, Mendocino Greeno, please. 291 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,054 Excellent choice. [ Snaps Fingers ] 292 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,923 [ Beeping ] 293 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,925 That's our flight taking off. 294 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,927 Our vacation is officially ruined. 295 00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:04,231 And I learned how to say "thank you" in Samoan for nothing. 296 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,299 Fa'afetai, Earl. 297 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,535 Fa'afetai very much. 298 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,970 I think you guys are gonna like this crop. 299 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,240 It goes great with marshmallows... 300 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:17,210 or those little crackers that are shaped like fishes. 301 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:21,048 So, have a try before you buy, huh? Just a little taste. 302 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:24,051 Well, Mr. Circus, as generous an offer as it is, 303 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,387 we're gonna pass on the taste. 304 00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:30,257 Whoa, pops. 305 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,826 You might not be wearing a wire, but that right there-- that right there was a cop move. 306 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,862 H-H-He's not a cop. 307 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,932 Look, he tucks his shirt into his underwear. What kind of cop would do that? 308 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,336 [ Chuckling ] Drop your shorts, Dad. Show him the tuck. 309 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,738 Clayton. 310 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,478 So you're gonna take a hit of this or Clayton's gun. 311 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,747 And Clayton's not afraid to shoot someone. Isn't that right? 312 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,184 [ Gunshot ] Ow! 313 00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:01,088 [ Scoffs ] Really, Clayton, you could've just said yes. 314 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:03,090 I was just trying to scare to him. 315 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,827 Hit the bong, dude. 316 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:12,432 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and my dad weren't close, but I knew a few things about him for sure. 317 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:16,203 He hated violence, people with unclear sexuality, 318 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,771 exotic animals kept in small spaces... 319 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,707 and most of all, drugs. 320 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,176 And now I'd dragged him right into the middle of it. 321 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:26,045 Come on, scoutmaster, fire it up. 322 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,781 [ Man ] * I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair * 323 00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:32,652 ** [ Continues ] All right, I-- I guess I got no choice. 324 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:37,490 * Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right * 325 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,560 * Here I am stuck in the middle with you ** 326 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:45,398 Oh! Bravo! [ Laughing ] 327 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,635 I did not see that comin' from the old guy. 328 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,438 Although I do believe you owe me a new Clayton. 329 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,541 I don't owe you a turd on Christmas. 330 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:57,076 People been telling me what to do all day, and I've been listening, 331 00:17:57,144 --> 00:18:00,547 doin' things I didn't want to do for people I don't wanna do 'em for. 332 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:04,251 If I gotta break the law to save my wife I'm doin' it on my own terms, 333 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:06,853 not some freak-show drug dealer's. 334 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,358 [ Grunts ] 335 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:16,663 Here's your $2,000. I'd like my duffel bag of dope. 336 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,798 [ Earl Narrating ] It certainly wasn't the day my parents expected... 337 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,168 when they woke up that morning. 338 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:25,938 My dad had stood up to a drug dealer, and my mom, well, she was as high as a kite. 339 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:30,577 Mom and Dad never talked with us about what happened that day. They just tried to forget it. 340 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,480 Which was a lot easier to do once Mom's hair grew back. 341 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:44,824 I can see why you'd put all that on your list. You did ruin my trip. 342 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:50,363 But what you don't know is what happened afterwards. 343 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:56,135 [ Carl ] Turns out, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened in that motel. 344 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,671 It was the most alive I've ever felt. 345 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:03,042 Over the next few days, whatever I did, no matter how boring it was, 346 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,144 it seemed more exciting. [ Yells ] 347 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,882 My normal life wasn't so normal anymore. 348 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,853 [ Karate Yells ] 349 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,490 [ Man ] * Super fly * I felt like a new man. 350 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,626 * You're gonna make your fortune by and by * 351 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:24,664 * But if you lose don't ask no questions why * 352 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,166 ** [ Continues ] And when the rush started to wear off, 353 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,369 I went back for more. 354 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:32,539 I'll take another two grand worth of that Mendocino Greeno. 355 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,611 Camden police! This is a bust! 356 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,948 - * Super fly ** - Up against the wall. Spread 'em. 357 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:46,553 You know why I like you? 'Cause you never do the thing that I think you're gonna do. 358 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,455 [ Laughs ] 359 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,626 Maybe I never got to American Samoa, 360 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,696 but you gave me something more important-- 361 00:19:56,763 --> 00:20:00,700 a chance to prove that when push came to shove, I could protect my family. 362 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,436 When my wife and my sons were in danger, 363 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:07,206 I wasn't just some middle-age frame store owner. 364 00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:09,942 I was a hero. 365 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:13,713 [ Chuckles ] It was the best feeling I've ever had. 366 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,851 Fa'afetai, Earl. 367 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,820 Fa'afetai. 368 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,657 Oh, and one more thing. 369 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,963 I never gave up on you, Son, 370 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,734 and I never will.