My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Karma finally brought me my good thing,
but then plowed into her at 40 miles an hour.
And I wasn't doing so good myself.
But when you've been through rough times as much as I have, you learn ways to deal with it.
Like when I was a kid.
You call this dinner? I bust my hump all day, then I come home to salad?
Well, I'm sorry. Here. I'll just pour some scotch on it.
Then I'm sure that you'll lick the plate clean.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't grow up in the perfect home.
But when things got bad, I turned on the TV and pretended I did.
Honey, are my pants done yet?
My boss wanted me to go over the Johnson account this morning,
and I can't debrief in my briefs.
- [ Audience Laughing On TV ] - Why not?
He might take one look at those cute legs of yours and give you a raise.
[ Kisses ] [ Audience ] Aw.
[ Earl Narrating ] I guess that's why my mind did what it did.
It knew my body couldn't get to a TV to drown out the pain,
so it took over and did what I had trained it to do when I was a kid.
- Honey, I'm home. - [ Audience Applauding ]
[ Earl Narrating ] My mind created a nice little world for me,
where my list was finished, dinner was always waiting,
any problem could be solved in a half hour, and I was married to Billie.
Hello, Mr. Senior Account Executive.
How's the new corner office? Well, it's so big it has two corners.
Well, that's two more corners than my father said you'd ever get.
[ Audience ] Aw.
Oh! Sam, the two-eyed mailman, delivered more wedding gifts today.
Uh, not another toaster, I hope. Nope.
Four toasters!
Let me guess what's for dinner.
[ Together ] Toast!
[ Audience ] Ooh!
[ Sirens Wailing ] [ Earl Narrating ] Back in the real world,
things weren't going so well for me or Billie.
So, uh, you guys gonna cut off her shirt?
Earl? Earl!
What happened? What happened?
Uh, ex-Officer Daniels was driving by and found them in the street.
Yes. That is how it happened.
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
Please be a dog. Please be a dog. Please be a dog.
Aw, crap.
Earl?
Wakey, wakey, if your neck's not breaky.
His neck's not breaky, is it? Ambulance man, get over here before God takes him.
Don't take him, Your Majesty.
Take me instead-- or my weight in squirrels.
- Ambulance man! - Easy there, gorgeous.
Let 'em do their job, all right?
There are two people hurt here. The paramedics had to make a very difficult decision,
and, clearly, they have chosen the hot chick with the nice taters.
[ Earl Narrating ] This wasn't the first time...
Randy had seen me on the ground fighting for my life.
[ Man ] * Me and my arrow *
* Straighter than narrow *
Wow! It goes so high, you can't even see it anymore. Do another one.
* Wherever we go *
* Everyone knows *
* It's me and my arrow * Mother!
Pull it out! Pull it out!
Randy, pull it out! * Me and my arrow **
[ Earl Narrating ] Last time Randy had the choice of helping me out,
he froze up with fear, ran home and hid under the bed.
He wasn't gonna make that mistake again.
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Tires Squeal ]
[ Paramedic ] Hey, where the hell is he going?
Ah, nuts.
We got a stolen ambulance eastbound on Sycamore Street.
I would be in pursuit, but our Al-Gore-wannabe mayor...
decided to go green and replaced my squad car with a bicycle.
[ Dispatcher ] Copy that.
I hit the girl with my car.
Shh. I know, buddy. We're gonna get you through this.
[ Earl Narrating ] Between me and Randy, we had stolen a fire truck,
two cop cars and a bulldozer,
but this was our first ambulance.
I just wish I'd been awake to enjoy it.
Hold on, Earl! You're gonna be okay!
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Thudding ]
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I should've strapped you in.
Just calm down, Randy. You're no good to anyone if you can't think straight.
Try and relax. Listen to a little music.
[ Man On Radio ] If you can hear us, bring back the ambulance.
If the patient dies, you'll be held responsible.
How'd that deejay know I stole an ambulance?
Man, the engine is fried. Joy, I thought you said you put oil in the BRAT.
We were all out of oil. But I sprayed a can and a half of PAM in there.
Oh, but you know what?
One was regular, and one was Butter Flavor. That's probably it.
Yeah. That's probably it.
Maybe I could fix it. What are you gonna do, feed it hay?
Queso es not un burro.
Get in! Get in! Earl got hit by a car,
Mom and Dad aren't home, and I don't know where the hospital is!
[ Siren Chirping ]
I can't believe he got hit by a car again.
He really should've put "Look both ways before crossing" on his list.
I'm not sure if that worked or not.
But, man, Earl has the softest lips I ever felt.
And his mustache tickles.
Is he still breathing? I can't tell if he's breathing.
It might be a good idea if you watch the road,
being that we're traveling at high speeds and whatnot.
Okay. Everybody relax. I know how to wake him up.
This is what I used to do when he would pass out in the middle of doing it.
Never fails.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap. This is really bad. Darnell, you gotta do something.
You have to save him, Darnell. His last words to me were angry ones.
I can't have another dead man mad at me.
I need a knife. I have to cut out his eyes so his soul can't find me.
Looks like you cut out your own eyes before you chose that outfit you're wearing.
[ Claps Hands ] Bam! Even in a moment like this, I can still knock 'em out of the park.
Earl, can you hear me? Earl!
Hello? Dummy? You in there? Anybody home?
Hello? Anybody in there? Anybody home?
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
No, no, no. No, no. That's my ex-wife.
Don't let her...
in.
Hey, dummy. Hey, Mrs. Dummy.
[ Audience Cheers ]
[ Woman In Audience ] Darnell!
Hello, Joy, Darnell. Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crabman.
We just came by to bring you a wedding gift. It's a toaster.
Just what we needed.
It's actually our toaster. And you should know...
the right slot runs hotter than the left, so plan your toast accordingly.
Of course we would've brought it to the wedding,
but the only option on our invitation card was "Will not attend."
So don't be surprised when you find a cat turd in your toaster.
She held that darn cat over that thing for two hours.
I thought he was never gonna go.
Well, it was good seein' ya. I'm sure you gotta get goin'.
Got a long drive back home. You'll have to come for breakfast sometime.
We'll all have toasted cat crap.
We don't have a long drive home. We just bought the house next door.
[ Heart Thumping ]
Oh, no. His heartbeat is really erratic.
Will this help?
We used to bring one of these machines to Club Chubby on Senior Day.
It's called a defibrillator.
Save the Spanish for your little friends at the car wash.
- Hand 'em here. - Have you ever done this before?
No. But I started a man's heart with a car battery and a waffle iron.
This should be a walk in the park. All right. I'm gonna need your help.
- Joy, when I say "clear," hit the red button over there. - Got it.
- Clear! - Clear!
- [ Electricity Humming ] - [ Tires Screeching ]
[ Defibrillator Thumps ]
- Oh, dear. - Clear!
[ Thumps, Electricity Crackles ]
Oh, crap! I fried my husband's brain.
I'm fine. Actually, it's not a bad buzz.
- Help Earl. - Step aside. It's time for a little Baywatch action.
Okay. Damn it! I think we're losin' him!
Wait! He can't die indoors.
If his spirit has no escape, then it won't matter if we cut out his eyes.
His soul will attach to us, and all our children will have harelips.
Earl's soul, the exit is that way!
- What the hell, bitch? Shut the damn-- - [ Tires Screeching ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Back when we were married and Joy rode on top of me while I was passed out,
the only thing at risk was an unwanted pregnancy.
Today's risk was death. [ Screaming Continues ]
But, luckily, my mind had no idea.
[ Audience Laughing ] Whee!
Earl, can I talk to you for a second?
Problem, honey? Well, I know Randy's a real hoot,
but I'm not sure about him living with us.
It's the perfect plan. We don't want Joy coming over, right?
Well, the only thing she hates more than a restaurant with a "No flip-flops" sign is Randy.
Trust me. I know what I'm doin'.
I did it. I finally got that candy corn out of my ear.
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Randy's kind of a slob.
[ Audience Groans ]
Got an idea.
Trust me. I know what I'm doin'.
[ Whirring ]
See? Everything worked out perfectly.
I told ya. I know what I'm doin'.
You know, without all that mess that's usually around you, you're not so bad, Randy.
I could hang out with you all day.
Well, I guess I don't know what I'm doin'.
This place is so clean, Darnell and I should move in...
and rent out our house to that one-legged girl that hates you.
[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
* Got those highway blues Can't you hear my motor runnin' *
Oh, snap. * Flyin' down the road with my foot on the floor *
* Can't stop Gotta keep movin' or I'll lose my mind *
* Ohh Rockin' down the highway *
* Ohh Rockin' down the highway **
Well, that's a fine kettle of fish.
[ Earl Narrating ] Fortunately, my out-of-control wheelie bed came to a stop.
Unfortunately, it was now hooked to a semi.
Joy didn't get a license plate, but she did see the truck was from Waadt Appliance.
So they went there.
Oh, Randy. Great to see you. How's your brother, Earl?
He's good. He's good.
Actually, he's passed out, strapped to a wheelie bed...
and attached to the front of one of your trucks.
- So, he might be dead. - Oh, you guys and your adventures.
You know who you should call? My twin brother's a cop.
He rides a bike now, but he swears it's not a demotion. No. No pigs.
Hey. That's my brother you're talkin' about.
Although he is a little on the husky side. I've been trying to get him on Atkins.
Saved my life.
The truck had a woman driver--
tall, scrawny, apparently does not respond to somebody screaming,
"Stop, bitch! My friend's stuck on your grille!"
Ah, that'd be Sissy. She was probably on her way home. She owns her own truck.
Can you draw a map to Sissy's house on my hand,
and a map to the hospital on this one?
But if her house is close to the hospital, you could just put 'em on the same hand map.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Earl Narrating ] While my friends hunted for me,
Billie slowly made her way to the hospital.
What do you think the odds are he just got better and walked home?
About the same as if he spontaneously combusted.
Not true. The government doesn't want you to know it,
but people spontaneously combust all the time.
That's why you see so many sneakers hanging from power lines.
[ Sniffing ]
He left less than 25 minutes ago.
Share a bed with a guy for long enough, you learn a few things.
Well, he must've fallen off. We need to find out what route she took to get here.
[ Sniffs ]
Damn it! Thought you were the pizza guy. What do you want?
We're looking for my brother. We have to get him to a doctor fast.
-He was on the wheelie bed stuck to the front of your truck. -What are you talkin' about?
Sam Hill. That better not have dented my grille.
I'm sorry, everybody. But this is drivin' me crazy.
You have an eyelash on your cheek.
There ya go. You have enough workin' against you...
without this hangin' off your face. [ Clicks Tongue ]
Look, I haven't seen your brother.
But if you do, you tell him to watch where he's drivin' that wheelie bed.
It needs to stay in the bike lane.
No joke. This is the thickest eyelash I have ever seen.
Dag. I bet you could get 10 wishes off that thing.
Go ahead.
Wait.
[ Sniffing ]
This isn't an eyelash. This is one of Earl's mustache hairs.
Share a toothbrush with a guy, you learn what his mustache tastes like.
Something fishy's goin' on here.
** [ Soul ]
* I've been really tryin', baby * So, where were we, lover?
Huh? [ Gasps ]
* Tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long *
Oh, snap!
Oh, hell, no. You are not gonna try and steal that.
[ Door Crashes Open ]
Get your boobs off my brother!
Please, don't take him from me! God left him for me on the front of my truck.
He usually just leaves me bugs and birds.
Anyway, you can't take him from me.
- We already exchanged vows. - Okay. She's crazy.
Lucky for us, I know how to talk to crazy.
Hey, sweetheart.
Look, we're not gonna take your man.
We're just gonna fix him for you, 'cause he's broken.
For starters, we're gonna check and see if he's still alive.
- Darnell? - He's crashin'.
See, he's crashin'. And what that means to us...
is we should take him and clean him up for you and maybe make him not almost dead.
Well, that could help. Yeah, he just doesn't seem that into it when we're kissing.
Well, then we're just gonna make him more lively and bring him right back.
Think you could give him a little perm? You know, like the Mexican soccer players?
Oh, and see if the doctors can't pump him up a little down south there.
You know, again, like a Mexican soccer player.
Oh, we'll pimp your ride. Don't worry.
Randy, Darnell, can you transport Sissy's new boyfriend out of here, please?
For the perm, would you like Shirley Temple ringlets,
or more of a "Weird Al" Yankovic?
That lady's crazy. Earl with curly hair? Not with those cheekbones.
Good thing we're not really doing that.
What? You're not bringing him back, are you?
You're taking him for your own dirty needs!
Run!
[ Grunts ]
Damn, that was my go-to.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! She's got a gun!
[ Gasps ]
Ah, crap. You're a coward, Randy Hickey.
This is a little trick my twin brother taught me.
He pops dents out of washers and dryers so they can sell 'em full price.
He's a clever little skinny fella.
Hey, listen. I don't feel right about this.
That dent was made by the girl's head.
What dent? Never happened. You're golden.
[ Siren Wailing ]
So no one else is chasing this ambulance?
Cop on a bike is all we got today?
- Is Earl okay? - He's suffered serious head trauma...
and massive internal injuries.
[ Sighs ] Well, at least they're internal.
He also has severely bruised nipples.
We might not be able to save one of them.
In addition, he also has some paddle-shaped burns on the sides of his head.
And let's see. What else?
His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs...
and, uh, last but not least, we're not sure,
but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm.
Oh, my God. That crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage.
He is going to be okay, right, Doc?
- Define "okay." - Not dead.
- I don't know. - Can't you tell us anything good about Earl?
He has a fantastic mustache. And praise be to Ganesh, it was unharmed.
Other than that, all we can do is pray.
I bet you wish you had more than one god now, eh?
[ Earl Narrating ] So there I was, fightin' for my life.
My body had taken just about all the punishment it could handle, and it was fadin'.
But not my mind. My mind was hangin' on. [ Beeping ]
I don't understand. I took the batteries out of all of them.
Where's that beepin' comin' from?
I don't hear it. [ Beeping Continues ]
[ Earl Narrating ] After a roundabout trip to the hospital...
that got me shocked, dropped, lost and possibly molested by a she-trucker,
I was finally under the semiprofessional care of Camden County Hospital.
You gonna wake up my brother now, Mr. Doctor?
Remember earlier we talked about something called a "coma"?
Oh, yeah. The story about the bears sleepin' through the winter.
Right. And we don't try to wake them.
Hopefully your brother will pull through and wake up on his own.
Yeah. Listen here, Dr. Baba Ghanoush.
You people might be great at running cheap motels,
but we're gonna require a second opinion from a real doctor.
You know, a Jewish one. I'm Indian. We're the new Jews.
- I thought that was Koreans. - They wish.
[ Earl Narrating ] A lot was goin' on around me, but I was pretty unaware of it.
I was also unaware that Billie was lyin' in the very next room.
My mind was in another place-- my safe place, TV world.
And by now my mind had even made up a theme.
** [ Pop ]
[ Woman ] * He is the perfect businessman *
[ Man ] * She's the perfect wife *
[ Both ] * Together they live in the perfect house *
* They thought they had the perfect life *
* But they're never alone No, they're never alone *
* They never have a moment to themselves *
* 'Cause they're never alone **
[ Male Announcer ] The Hickeys!
It's all my fault. What are we gonna do now?
When I stopped by the hospital the other day,
Earl's nurse gave me this.
On the back is a coupon for a free pancake breakfast...
with purchase of second pancake breakfast.
- That's how they get you. - Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby.
Gonorrhea?
Oh, my God! It's Earl's list.
There sure is a bunch of stuff he never got to cross off.
What do you mean, never? He's gonna cross the rest off as soon as he wakes up.
- Look, Randy-- - No! No "Look, Randy,"
and no "never," and no pamphlets with the sad, pull-the-plug faces on 'em.
People come back from the dead all the time. Zombies, werewolves, vampires.
- Need I go on? - Randy's right. We can't give up.
We have to do something.
Well, there are documented cases of coma patients...
lured back into consciousness when exposed to certain stimuli.
You know, things they enjoy.
Hey, Earl likes that show Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.
Think they'd let a monkey in the hospital?
Did you have any problems gettin' in?
No. Not once I figured out that revolving door.
[ Earl Narrating ] So my friends set about to draw me out of my coma using different stimuli--
things that might inspire me back to life.
It's bacon, Earl. You always wake up for bacon.
How about boobs, Earl?
You used to wake up for these often enough.
- Sorry, Darnell. - I'm cool.
You know I don't consider above the waist to be cheatin'.
Squeeze, baby. You're a vegetable, not a fruit.
[ Earl Narrating ] When boobs and bacon didn't work,
Darnell tried to open my eyes to new experiences.
A third European city you might want to wake up and visit is Amsterdam.
Or as I like to say, "Amster-jam."
You'll see what I mean when you get there. [ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Earl Narrating ] They even helped keep me up on current events.
And here's a picture of Amy Winehouse taking out the trash.
And here's a picture of Zac Efron getting gas.
And here's a picture of Paris Hilton reading to her friend in a coma.
They really are just like us.
[ Earl Narrating ] They tried classic rock.
* Burn out the day *
* Burn out the night *
* I can't see no reason to put up a fight *
* I'm burnin', I'm burnin' I'm burnin' for you *
[ Earl Narrating ] And when nothing else worked, they went for the grand finale.
[ Man ] * Burn out the day *
* Burn out the night *
* Can't see no reason to put up a fight *
[ Earl Narrating ] The stuff they were doin'...
didn't do so much to bring me back to the real world,
but it had a big impact on the place I was.
[ Man Crooning On Radio ] * I'm burnin', I'm burnin' I'm burnin' for you **
[ Audience Applauding ] Do I smell bacon?
Well, it wouldn't be morning in the Hickey household without fresh-cooked bacon from Paris.
Paris, France?
No, silly. Paris Hilton.
[ Audience Cheering ] That's hot.
- Randy, what are you doin'? - I told Paris I'm a cowboy.
That's hot.
Well, it's off to work. Big meeting with the boss today.
Bye, sweetie.
That's hot. [ Audience Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy wasn't a religious man,
other than believing in the Great Pumpkin,
but these were desperate times.
Dear Lord. It's me, Randy Hickey.
Please tell me what to do to save my brother.
Uh-huh.
But, Lord--
I'm sorry. I'll let you finish.
Oh, yeah. Perfect. I know how to help you.
I'll be right back. Why didn't you tell me this before?
You're right. I should've asked.
Guys, I know how to save Earl! God's little finger!
[ Gasps ] Oh, snap!
I forgot all about that creepy little faith healer.
You believe in faith healers? You're suspicious of the weatherman.
Faith healers just magically cure diseases.
They don't pretend to predict the future.
He's right. This kid's the real deal.
The power of God will heal you!
Heal you! In the name of God, it will heal you!
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy and Randy knew Gerald was real...
because they had seen him with their very own eyes.
Rising! Rising! Rising! God's little finger says heal!
[ Audience Murmuring ] Oh, my God. I think I can see light.
- [ Woman ] It's a miracle! - And now I see shapes. I think I can see.
Oh, it's gone. Oh, wait. It's back again.
Oh, it's gone again. You're just blinkin', brother. You'll get used to that.
Praise God.
Pick me! Pick me!
In the name of the Father, Son and the Friendly Ghost, pick me!
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy wasn't usually the religious type,
except when she was in bed or found herself in dire need.
You gotta heal my giant zit. My high school reunion is this weekend,
and I want my English teacher to regret pickin' his wife over me.
What happened to your leg? I tripped over some conjoined twins.
Wasn't my fault. I didn't see the back one.
Daddy, give me one more person up here on stage!
Pick me! I can barely walk.
Damn it, Earl! This is my turn.
This zit's gettin' so big, it's got a little zit on the side of it.
You, sir. You with the mustache and the gimpy leg.
[ Congregation Groans ]
Don't worry, Joy.
I'm sure everybody at your reunion's gonna be talking about your black and white kids...
and your terrible personality, not your big, disgusting zit.
- ** [ Organ ] - Chargin' up with the power of Christ!
I'm chargin' up! You ready? Yeah.
You ready? Yeah!
- Are you ready? - Bring it!
God's little finger says heal!
Oh, my God. My leg doesn't hurt.
- [ Congregation Gasps ] - That's incredible.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm healed! The flick stung a little though.
[ Shouting ]
Whoo! Whoo!
Rising! Rising! Rising! God's little finger says heal!
Got it! Got it! Got it!
The next morning, that zit crusted over and flicked right off.
A faith healer healed my grandmother of restless leg syndrome...
right before she died of cancer.
In hindsight, we should've targeted the cancer.
[ Earl Narrating ] Knowing I needed a miracle,
my friends went to track down that little faith healer.
Unfortunately, he had lost his faith.
- So, could you? - Sorry. I don't heal anymore.
I wear these to make sure I don't even touch anybody by accident.
I-I-I don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to fix people?
Why don't you ask the harlot?
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out, a couple days after healing us with the spirit of the Lord,
Gerald saw us filled with the spirit of the devil.
[ Man On TV ] I'm in front of Chubby's Groceries,
where we've acquired exclusive security-cam footage...
of the latest robbery by the criminals we're dubbing...
"Smokey and the Tube Top Bandit."
According to victims, the female perpetrator...
uses the lure of a flimsy tube top as a distraction...
while her mustachioed accomplice absconds with their shopping cart.
Here, you can see a bystander attempt to stop the accomplice,
only to be assaulted by canned goods.
After interviewing the victims, police have released these sketches.
Witnesses noted the female perpetrator's glowing, flawless skin,
and her accomplice's catlike speed and agility.
God in heaven, what have I done?
How am I supposed to know who to heal and who not to?
I'm not God-- just his little finger.
Yep. You ruined a really good thing.
No more revivals. No more fancy two-story house.
Now I'm killin' possums just to keep the lights on in this dump.
You charged people for faith healing?
Look, he may have healing powers from God,
but it's not like he can multiply loaves and fishes.
His family still needs to eat. Wouldn't you do the same thing?
Unlikely. I have a turtle who can tap-dance, given the right song and surface,
and I let people watch him for free.
Gerald, you don't have to feel bad anymore.
It's okay that you healed Earl, 'cause he's not evil. He's turned his life around.
He even made a list of all his bad deeds,
and he's makin' up for 'em.
[ Gasps ] We can even put you on it, since he upset you and all.
Here. "Made a healer boy...
scared of his own hands."
Boom. Done.
Now if you wake him up, he'll fix it.
Wow. He made up for all this?
Maybe he really is good.
This is great. Now we can get back to doin' the Lord's business.
We won't have to skimp by on the food I took from work.
Hold on a second.
What about you? Do you have a list too?
I don't need a list. I mean, I may have jacked up some people now and then,
but only when they damn well had it comin'.
How do I know she's not evil?
One: I'm American.
Two: I saw all my pregnancies through to the end.
And three: Nobody can look this good without the Lord on her side.
Unless they have the devil on their side.
I'm not gonna even dignify that comment with a response,
you little lying, bat-faced Bible freak!
Blaspheming Jezebel! Tiny pecker!
I'm gonna go listen to Christian rock.
I need a smoke!
So what do we do now?
Is there any way you boys can prove to my son that that lady is a good person?
God's little finger? More like God's middle finger,
and you're pointing it at yourself.
How's that feel? I'll be in the car.
It's gonna be tough.
Brain waves are minimal. Heart rate is at 20.
But his internal organs are all top-shelf.
So let's get this transplant draft started.
Dr. Fujimoto, since you haven't saved a patient in three weeks, you get first pick.
I want his gallbladder.
Fuj, what are you doing?
You always take the liver in the first round.
[ Earl Narrating ] My condition was gettin' worse.
And in my coma mind, things were changin' too.
[ Audience Cheering ] That is fantastic news, sir.
Wow. A raise and an expense account at Montgomery Ward?
I'll talk to my wife about it right now.
About what? Two, three, four--
You're lookin' at the new vice president of Slathery and Mather.
[ Audience Applauds ] You got a promotion?
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
But it'll mean movin' away, for good.
And leavin' all my friends and family.
[ Audience Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since Gerald had seen video of Joy doin' bad things,
Darnell wanted to show some video of Joy doin' good things, which didn't exist.
You said this was gonna look like I was standin' in front of an Alaskan oil spill.
This is just our big blue sex tarp.
- We've had picnics on this. - Trust me. Back in the day,
I could make one hell of a propaganda video.
Although I'll admit my previous successes were with third world villagers.
They'll believe anything if you give them a soda pop and a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee.
To prove that Joy is not evil, we've put together this reel of Joy's news highlights...
which we feel greatly outweighs her one unfortunate news lowlight.
[ Woman ] I wish we could wait for Carter.
He's been tied up all day with those beavers that took over the water park.
[ Joy On TV ] All right. Let's get this beach and all the animals cleaned up.
But save the oil. We can put it in cars.
No, thank you. I will not drink another drop of water until breast cancer is cured.
[ Man ] Water! I saved a thousand yogurt lids. Find a cure!
Yes, sir. Mission accomplished.
Great job, Maverick! Way to go, Goose!
Don't worry, kid. I got your puppy, and I'm gonna swim for help.
Make sure you stay in that air bubble underneath the bumper pool table.
I just think that dogs and cats should be neutered.
If you would jump on this with me, we could really make a difference.
In reply to the vice president, I sent him the following wire.
[ Joy Whispering ] Vice President Nixon.
Vice President Nixon, Los Angeles, California.
Your sincere good wishes-- Your sincere good wishes are gratefully accepted.
You are to be congratulated. You are to be congratulated...
on a fine race.
I know that-- [ TV Clicks Off ]
Let's do it.
I hope your father gets here in time to watch you.
Left a voice mail. Darn beavers.
One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
I win again.
Get out of the way! Magic boy, magic hand!
Power of the Lord within me! Power of the Lord within me!
It's chargin' up! It's chargin' up!
Enough with the showmanship. Just touch him with the finger, E.T.
Shh. Gonna make him start over. [ Gerald ] Here we go now.
The spirit's risin'!
- I call dibs on first hug. - Risin', risin'. Are you ready?
It's risin'. Risin', risin'! God's little finger says--
Don't! Don't--
Don't do it, Gerald.
Why not? I'm back in business like you wanted, Dad. Watch.
God's little finger says heal!
Try it again.
God's little finger says heal!
It's not working. It's all this medicine.
We can't have true faith when we're still depending on all these machines.
- Gerald-- - Unplug him! Unplug everything!
No, stop!
You can't heal people, Gerald.
This whole thing's been a scam.
[ Earl Narrating ] After five years of believing he had powers,
Gerald was finally gonna learn the truth.
A few years back, Gerald's dad was trying anything he could to make a quick buck.
Hello. This is Ed from the bank. Could you give me your account number, please?
[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ] Hello? Damn it.
[ Earl Narrating ] When, out of the clear blue sky, he was hit with an idea.
Idiot.
Poor thing. It's dead.
Gerald, don't touch it. That's how your uncle got AIDS.
[ Chirping ]
- * Hallelujah * - [ Woman ] Oh, my Lord.
* Hallelujah, hallelujah *
* Hallelujah, hallelujah **
It's a miracle!
That bird was as dead as a doornail, and my son brought it back to life!
He is an agent of the Lord!
Get out your checkbooks!
[ Earl Narrating ] By the time we went to see Gerald, the miracle business was booming.
But as it turned out, Gerald's dad needed a little help to keep the miracles coming.
Hey, dirtbag. Wanna make some real money?
Hang on. Hang on. Let me see you limp.
Okay. But you're only gonna look, right?
I meant walk with a limp.
[ Congregation Chattering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] If Joy knew it was a scam,
she would've made me split the money.
So I told 'em I tripped on some Japanese twins.
Plus, I couldn't ruin the night for Randy.
I hadn't seen that look on his face since I blew his mind with the magic of "Got your nose."
So, his powers only work on birds?
No. That's not true. 'Cause he touched my monster zit,
and the next morning it was dried up and on my pillow.
Yeah, I used to put some pharmaceutical-grade Neosporin on the kid's hands.
Carter, how could you lie to us?
How could you lie and cheat sick people out of thousands of dollars?
I'm done.
I-I don't have powers anymore.
I'm done.
Look. I'm sorry I couldn't heal your brother.
But this is great. I can finally be a normal kid.
And what's so great about that?
Everything, Dad. I wear plastic gloves on my hands.
To school. And the only people who talk to me are the cafeteria ladies.
You can cross "Made a healer boy scared of his own powers"...
off Earl's list.
I didn't like having them to begin with.
Gerald, let's go.
So I got free passes to the water park. The beavers are gone.
I'm sorry, Earl.
I really thought his magic finger was gonna help.
[ Beeps ]
** [ Folk ]
Come on, guys. Let's leave them alone.
* Ooh, ooh, ooh *
Get the hell out of here! Go! Go! Go on!
* Gettin' dark Too dark to see *
[ Beeps ]
* I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door *
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
I don't want you to go.
I have to, buddy.
[ Man ] Everlast Car Service.
Pickup for Earl Hickey. * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door *
- All right. So long, everyone. - * Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door *
* Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door *
I'm sorry I made you do that inter-invention.
* Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door *
It looked like a lot more fun on TV.
And I'm sorry karma got so mad at you for throwin' away your list...
that it hit you with a car again.
* Mm-mmm *
I wish you never would've made this stupid list.
Maybe our lives wouldn't have gotten any better,
but at least you wouldn't be leaving me.
* Ooh, ooh, ooh * But I know how important it was to you.
Maybe you didn't finish it. But you crossed a lot of things off, Earl.
I hope you crossed enough off to get into heaven.
Let me cross off Gerald too.
Maybe God will give you an extra dessert for each one you did.
- * Ooh, ooh, ooh * - [ Beeping ]
* Ooh, ooh, ooh *
[ Beeping ]
* Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door * The list?
[ Ear Narrating ] Right then, Randy realized the answer wasn't the kid--
it was makin' up to the kid.
The list.
Number 45-- "Wasted electricity."
* Knock, knock knockin' on heaven's door **
- [ Audience Cheering ] - I can't do it. I'm stayin'.
[ Applauding ]
That's hot.