1
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:12,113
o [ Earl Narrating ]
For me, prison was like a long
car vacation with my parents--

2
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,182
the more I slept,
the shorter the trip.

3
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,217
Wakey, wakey.
Hands off penis.

4
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,453
It's for protection.

5
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,757
There's a new guy here who
thinks it's funny to pull on
your junk while you're sleeping.

6
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:25,693
The principal
wants to see you.

7
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:30,131
You mean the warden?
Yeah. Did I say
landlord again?

8
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,266
No.
Good.

9
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:36,737
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yeah, Hickey.
Come on in.

10
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:41,275
You don't mind
if I multitask, do you?
Not at all, sir.

11
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:44,978
Vinnie's here
to shave some guy
for the electric chair.

12
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,381
Oh, I hate
execution days.

13
00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:50,584
Especially if they die with
a funny look on their face,
and you start giggling.

14
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,587
Then suddenly you're
the jerk who's laughing
at an execution.

15
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,457
Anyway,
I am getting ready...

16
00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:58,959
to start a program
called "Scared Straight."

17
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,129
Not into the ladies, huh?

18
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:04,132
Well, it worked for a guy
at my parents' church.

19
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,334
No, no. The program
I'm talkin' about...

20
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:10,171
is where we go into schools,
and we try to scare kids
out of a life of crime.

21
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,973
We used to bring 'em here.

22
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,143
Didn't work out too well.

23
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:20,548
Remember, be scared,
stay straight.

24
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,184
Excuse me.

25
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,619
He wasn't my buddy
when we came in.

26
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,326
We finally found
the real kid
in the washing machine.

27
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:36,029
Two months later,
he's still dizzy.
[ Chuckles ]

28
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:41,335
So, what do you say?
Are you in?

29
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:45,005
I'll give you a certificate
that knocks another five weeks
off your prison sentence.

30
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:47,141
If it keeps 'em
out of trouble...

31
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,543
and gets me out of here
five weeks sooner,

32
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,645
I guess scaring kids
is a good thing.

33
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,781
Great! All right,
you're gonna be
putting on...

34
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,883
a presentation at the school
in a couple of days.

35
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,886
Just pick
any three prisoners
you want to help you.

36
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,390
Just, if you pick a black guy,
make sure he's a doctor
or lawyer.

37
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,325
We don't want to perpetuate
negative stereotypes.

38
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,629
My name is Earl.

39
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,669
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was excited to get started
on my Scared Straight project,

40
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,138
but first I had to look
after Randy.

41
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,442
You okay, Randy?
I'm great.

42
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:25,313
Found a shady spot in the yard
where no other guards could
see me, and I took a nap.

43
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,049
[ Earl Narrating ]
Because as great as it was
to see Randy every day--

44
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,018
well, he wasn't the best
prison guard.

45
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:33,887
It was great.
How was your weekend?

46
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,761
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes I got there
in the nick of time.

47
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,634
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Earl.

48
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:50,404
[ Earl Narrating ]
And sometimes I didn't.
Mealtime.

49
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,773
Hello! Dinner.
[ Man ]
* I was in the right place *

50
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:56,244
* Must have been
the wrong time *
Oh! Oh, no!

51
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,279
[ Giggling ]
That tickles.

52
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:01,549
[ Gasps ]
No. No, no.
No, no! No!

53
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,951
No! Earl! Earl! No! Earl!

54
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,520
[ Blubbering ]

55
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,859
- * My head is in a bad place *
- [ Sniffs ]

56
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,961
* But I'm havin'
such a good time *
Yeah.

57
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,830
[ Earl Narrating ]
And sometimes he wasn't
just a danger to himself.

58
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,732
Everyone, this is Fred.

59
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,635
It's his first time
in prison, and he's
a little nervous.

60
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,672
He used to be a police
officer, and then he
molested a little boy.

61
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,575
So make him feel welcome.
* Must have been
the right time *

62
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,910
* I been in the right place **

63
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,179
Really? They wrote
"Best guard"
on my forehead?

64
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,147
They sure did.

65
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,050
[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized if I wanted
to keep Randy out of trouble,

66
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:40,688
I needed to keep him close,
and I figured the warden
wouldn't mind.

67
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,623
Good news, Randy.

68
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,692
The warden thinks
you should be the guard...

69
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:47,461
to escort us on
the Scared Straight project.
Cool!

70
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,497
I was worried he thought
I was an idiot...

71
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,665
when he saw me fall
out of that guard tower.

72
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,302
I guess when I said,
"I meant to do that,"
he believed me.

73
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:56,904
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was trying to help Randy
stay out of trouble,

74
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,707
and a very pregnant Joy
was trying to get
out of bed.

75
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:04,111
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm stuck again.

76
00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:07,114
This mattress is
pressing against me
like a creepy uncle.

77
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,450
[ Earl Narrating ]
Recently, Joy had found out
that Liberty,

78
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:13,421
her lifelong enemy,
was also her lifelong
half-sister.

79
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,323
And after putting aside
their differences,

80
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,158
Joy agreed to be Liberty
and Ray-Ray's surrogate mom.

81
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:21,795
Baby, I told you you needed
to stay in the middle.
I was in the middle.

82
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,931
That damn monster truck
pulled in next door...

83
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,233
and created a wave
that pushed me
into the crack.

84
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,469
Just get me out of here.
I'm gonna go sleep
on the couch.

85
00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:32,606
Now, you know you're not allowed
to sleep on any furniture
with exposed rusty springs.

86
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,576
We don't know it was the couch
that gave Earl Junior lockjaw.

87
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,678
Besides, when I agreed
to be their surrogate,

88
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,047
I didn't realize they were
part of the Nazi gazpacho.

89
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,149
[ Earl Narrating ]
Being new to parenting,
Liberty and Ray-Ray...

90
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:44,117
had a lot of baby rules.

91
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,754
No fried foods, no trans fat,
no alcohol, no tobacco--

92
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:50,023
You first timers
are way overprotective.
I was that way with Dodge.

93
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,926
I even switched
to Marlboro Lights, and he
still came out with asthma.

94
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:56,196
With Earl Junior,
she smoked cloves.
That's why he likes spicy food.

95
00:04:56,263 --> 00:05:00,000
Also, no soft cheeses,
no canned cheeses,

96
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,671
no antiperspirants,
no hair dye
and no g-strings.

97
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,773
No g-strings
or canned cheese?

98
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:09,142
How the hell am I supposed
to celebrate New Year's?

99
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,779
[ Earl Narrating ]
And even though she agreed
to all those demands,

100
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:16,183
nine months and two weeks later,
her patience was runnin' thin.

101
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,751
[ Groans ]

102
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:21,121
Even though Joy was not in
a very good place, Randy was--

103
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,692
by my side,
where he'd be safe while I had
my Scared Straight auditions.

104
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,194
Our first two auditioners
are Frank and Paco.

105
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,096
Frank's new to performing,

106
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,865
but Paco did once
stab a guy in front
of a big crowd.

107
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:36,303
Thanks for comin' in.
Frank, why don't you go first?
Scare me straight.

108
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,305
Okay. All right.
Yo, yo!

109
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:41,542
When you get in here,
first I'm gonna mess you up,
and then--

110
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,979
I'm sorry.
I blanked out.

111
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,148
[ Stammering ]
You know, I had it perfectly
back in my cell.

112
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,851
You know what? My fault.
Paco should have gone first.

113
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,986
Go in the hall
and collect yourself.

114
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,722
[ Clears Throat ]

115
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,825
- Go for it, Paco.
- It's not too bad in here.

116
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:01,228
I mean, I made some
new friends, and I even
took a computer course.

117
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:04,064
And last week
I googled myself-- Paco--

118
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:08,802
and I found out I have
unclaimed money in Tejas--
that's Texas for you.

119
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,938
Next.

120
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,306
I like to cuddle.

121
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,376
You like to cuddle?
You're in.

122
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:19,112
Did you really think
this could possibly work?

123
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,014
I gave it a shot.

124
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,383
This is you.

125
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,986
This is you in prison.

126
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:33,160
Any questions?
It was confusing,
but I like your voice.

127
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,597
- You're in.
- Watch this.
This'll freak the kids out.

128
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:44,371
That was impressive, Wilson.

129
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,906
Wilson?

130
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,310
Damn, I wish he would have
saved that for the show.

131
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:52,345
Then I'm gonna kick in
all your teeth,

132
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,281
and rent you out
for cigarettes like what.

133
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:57,184
When I get a hundred cigarettes,
I'm gonna stuff 'em all
up in your mouth...

134
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,253
and make you smoke 'em,
like that dude from the
Guinness Book of World Records.

135
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,023
You know why?
'Cause prison is boring.

136
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,358
I knew you had it in you.

137
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,928
So did I get the part?

138
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,863
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had my Scared Straight team
together...

139
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,032
and was excited
to show the warden.

140
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,536
Okay, kids.

141
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:20,808
The scariest thing about prison
is that there's violence
everywhere.

142
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:25,312
Everywhere. Yeah.
Everyone's always trying
to get over on you.

143
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,648
And when you think you're safe,

144
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,851
[ Whispering ]
you're walking along
by yourself...

145
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,853
because you might be
walking around and--

146
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,289
[ Yells ]
[ Screams, Laughs ]

147
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:37,858
That is such nice work.

148
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,760
You like that?
That is so scary.

149
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,663
Just had another thought.

150
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:46,266
What if the Scared Straight show
had a green message too?

151
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:50,571
- I don't follow.
- Green-- It means
"environmentally friendly."

152
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:53,040
Yeah. The thing is, sir,

153
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,910
uh, goin' green doesn't fit
with the rest of the show.

154
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,946
Well, work your magic.
Make it fit.

155
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,381
Well, I'd just be
wedgin' it in.

156
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:05,085
What if I told you
you had to do it
because I'm your boss?

157
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,355
Then I would say I could
take the shower killing story,

158
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,559
and turn it into something
about the importance
of conserving water.

159
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,061
That's good.

160
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,096
[ Inhales ]
And how about
if we start the show...

161
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,832
when the guy
bends over to pick up
the phosphate-free soap?

162
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:23,370
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't the only one dealing
with other people's crazy ideas.

163
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:27,507
PBS? Ray-Ray, how the hell
would I get PBS
when I'm pregnant?

164
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,911
Oh. It's a channel?

165
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,846
Oh. Hold on.

166
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,452
Okay, I found it.
[ Man On TV,
Indistinct ]

167
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,755
He's listening.

168
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,626
Dipstick and dumdum
want the baby to listen...

169
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,361
to some stupid show
about the moon landing.

170
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,631
Alleged moon landing.

171
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:54,602
Keep the receiver covered
while I give this baby
the opposing point of view.

172
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,538
Consider this, little man.

173
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,842
In the footage,
you'll notice shadows
from divergent sources.

174
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:05,212
[ Snickers ]
This baby's already smart,
Darnell.

175
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:08,481
He just turned around,
so you're talkin' to his butt.

176
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,518
[ Earl Narrating ]
That baby still had a chance
to come out smart,

177
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,386
but it was too late
for Randy,

178
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:17,157
who had just been outsmarted
by a pair of handcuffs.

179
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,328
Oh, hey, Earl.
These things close so fast.

180
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,865
Sit down, Randy.
I think we need
to have a little talk.

181
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,667
Okay.

182
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,836
I'm wonderin' if...

183
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,904
you wouldn't be happier
workin', uh,

184
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:35,475
in someplace
like the cafeteria.

185
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,510
No way.

186
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,580
Cafeteria guys
don't get nightsticks
or cool uniforms.

187
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,450
Where is your nightstick?
Oh, I lost it.

188
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:47,621
I didn't lose it.
I know which prisoner has it,
but he won't give it back, so--

189
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:52,492
Come on, Randy. Workin'
in the cafeteria, they'll
let you use the big spoon.

190
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,062
That is a big spoon
they got in there.

191
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,866
Wait. Do you think
I'm a bad guard?

192
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,502
No. Not-Not bad, just...
too trusting.

193
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:06,573
And I can't look after you
in here like I can
on the outside.

194
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,943
[ Laughs ]
What are you talking about?
I look after you.

195
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,680
Randy, that's ridiculous.

196
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:17,184
Is it? Who got you a new
mattress when Hepatitis Bob
had sex with yours?

197
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,921
If I hadn't have been here,
you'd have whatever disease
Hepatitis Bob has.

198
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,956
Face it, Randy,
you only took this job...

199
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,925
'cause you couldn't exist
out there without me.

200
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,795
Or maybe I knew you couldn't
exist in here without me.

201
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:31,264
Or maybe you're gettin'
defensive and sayin'
everything I say back at me.

202
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:34,067
Or maybe you're just sayin'
what I'm gonna say
before I say it.

203
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,304
What?
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?

204
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,241
Randy, the point is,
you're not cut out
for positions of authority.

205
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,479
I see what's happening here.

206
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,782
You can't handle
me being in charge.

207
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,250
What?
Yeah.

208
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,485
You've been bossin' me around
so long,

209
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,621
you can't stand
that I'm top dog.

210
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,556
[ Laughs ]
Oh, really?

211
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:59,760
You think
you're top dog?
Huh.

212
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,998
Come here, top dog.
Give it.

213
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,967
Give it!
Come get it,
top dog.

214
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,102
Give it!
Randy, look.

215
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,404
It doesn't matter
that you're a guard
and I'm a prisoner,

216
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,574
'cause when it comes to us,
I'm always gonna be in charge.
Oh, yeah?

217
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,910
Code Pink.

218
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,816
[ Chuckling ]

219
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,152
You'll get your stuff back
at the end of the day.

220
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,688
Now get out in the yard.
It's time for mandatory
volleyball.

221
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,858
Randy-- Randy!

222
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,293
Ra-- Randy! Randy.

223
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:39,466
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was trying to get ready for
my Scared Straight presentation,

224
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:43,036
but me and Randy were still
fighting over which one of us
was in charge.

225
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:46,139
Not jail--
No pointers.

226
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,709
- [ Shards Clatter ]
- Anyway, not jail--

227
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,845
No pointing.

228
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:55,082
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was surprised to see
Randy was stayin' so mad.

229
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,150
But I guess being
the little brother,

230
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,553
these feelings
had been building up
inside him for years.

231
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,389
Randy, I told you.
It's too weird.

232
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:05,725
We can't both have mustaches,
and I had mine first.

233
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,896
[ Buzzing ]

234
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:12,900
[ Earl Narrating ] In fact,
I was in charge for as long
as either of us could remember.

235
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,135
[ Gurgling ]

236
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:17,570
Randy didn't just mess
with my rehearsal time.

237
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,439
He also started messing
with my meals.

238
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,474
[ Man ]
* Searching for something
to say *

239
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:24,311
Half portion.

240
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,746
Who's in charge now?

241
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,382
* Flashing lights
against the sky *

242
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,618
Kosher meal.

243
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:37,157
* Giving up I close my eyes *
Enjoy your Muslim food.

244
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,459
Regular meal.

245
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:43,530
* Sitting cross-legged
on the floor *

246
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,866
Upside-down.
* Twenty-five
or six to four **

247
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,167
Damn it, Randy.
You're actin' like--

248
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,469
Code Pink.
[ Squeaky Voice ]
No. No.

249
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:53,506
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
me and Joy were both dealing
with uncooperative babies.

250
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:56,043
And your great-great-great-
great-great grandfather
was sent to Asia...

251
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,711
by a tobacco company
to get the Chinese hooked
on smoking.

252
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:02,282
If you ever go there,
little one, you'll see
what a first-rate job he done.

253
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,451
Damn it, Ray-Ray,
the baby can't see you.

254
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,619
You wanna show him pictures,
let me induce.

255
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:09,756
Absolutely not.
Inducing's not a part of our
natural childbirth plan.

256
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,624
Your body will tell us
when it's time.

257
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:14,995
My mouth speaks for my body,
and it's sayin' it's go time.

258
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:17,030
My daddy always said,
"Don't do business with family."

259
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:20,767
- I told you we should have
gotten a written contract.
- Good luck with that.

260
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,536
Before we were married, I asked
for a prenuptial agreement,

261
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:27,640
and she burned all my stuff--
but then she did sign it.

262
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,077
We don't need
a written contract.

263
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,545
Joy and I have
a verbal agreement
between sisters.

264
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:35,382
Look, I agreed
to carry this baby
for nine months.

265
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:39,152
So technically, our agreement
expired two weeks ago.

266
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,221
Only reason I haven't
cut this baby out myself...

267
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,356
is because a caesarean scar
and my prom scar...

268
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:46,059
would make
a weird little crucifix
right above my landing strip.

269
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:52,165
Yo, man, I mean,
things were going
from worse to even worser.

270
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,368
Not only did the cops
have my footprint
from the casino vault,

271
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:58,171
but my carbon footprint
was off the charts.

272
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,342
Great job, guys.
We're leavin'
in five minutes.

273
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,178
And Scooby, when you tell
that story about dumping
a body in the woods,

274
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,280
say you felt bad
about litterin'.

275
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,684
I did.
That was the only part
I did feel bad about.

276
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:15,155
You can go back to your bunk
now, Earl. You're not
involved in the show anymore.

277
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:18,458
What?
Your field trip privileges
have been canceled.

278
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:22,329
I'm only takin' these three.
I can do that 'cause
I'm in charge.

279
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,798
Well, I'll talk to the warden.
The warden's not here.
We're leavin'.

280
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,468
Randy, you're gettin'
way out of control.

281
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,504
You know what's getting
way out of control?
My Taser hand.

282
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:35,275
My Taser hand's
way out of control.
Randy, you know I hate Tasers.

283
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,978
Come on, guys. We're goin'.
Right.

284
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,353
Frank-- Do me a favor.

285
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,621
My brother gets
a little mixed up and--

286
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:51,124
Don't worry.
I'll look after him.
Hey, but, Earl.

287
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:54,694
About my performance--
Am I doing good,
or am I pushing?

288
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:58,165
Yeah, it-- It's good.
All right.

289
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,200
[ Man ]
* I like to dream, yes *
Carbon footprints.

290
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,402
[ Earl Narrating ]
Frank didn't want to push,
but Joy did.

291
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,172
She was trying everything
she could to get that baby out.

292
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,976
* On a cloud of sound
I drift in the night *

293
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,678
* Anyplace it goes is right *

294
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,413
* Goes far, flies near *

295
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,249
[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause while she promised
not to induce at the hospital,

296
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,086
she never promised not to try
and induce at home.

297
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,888
* Why don't you tell
your dreams to me *

298
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,557
* Fantasy will set you free *

299
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:28,595
* Close your eyes, girl
Look inside, girl *

300
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:31,965
* Let the sound
take you away **

301
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,401
[ Exhales ]

302
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,708
Get out, get out,
get out, get out!

303
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,578
[ Children ] Bye!
[ Together ]
Bye!

304
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,580
Great show, guys.

305
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:51,018
I heard one kid say
he'll never stab anyone
or order Chilean sea bass.

306
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,819
They are dangerously overfished.

307
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,822
Hey, Bob, that was really
something how you got
the teacher's phone number,

308
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,191
even after telling
that story about
killing a teacher.

309
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,260
I dig chicks
who wanna fix me.

310
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,529
You know what?
You guys did
such an awesome job,

311
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,198
- we're gonna stop
for ice cream.
- [ All ] Yeah!

312
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,467
All right!
All right.

313
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,671
This is the last time
I'll bring it up,

314
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,507
but frozen yogurt
would be a lot healthier
than ice cream.

315
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,647
Damn. There's no
parking spots.

316
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:24,051
I don't wanna double park.
If I get a ticket in this van,
I'll get in big trouble.

317
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,986
We could run in for you.

318
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,124
Okay, I'm trustin' you.

319
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,361
I want half french vanilla,
half rocky road.

320
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:38,331
Sprinkles-- not too many.
Only rainbow color.

321
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:41,801
One scoop chopped nuts.
Whipped cream.
Don't screw me on this.

322
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:46,073
Yeah, but what about Frank?
Just let him sleep.
But get him something.

323
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,308
Nothin' too fancy.
He hates snobs.

324
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,178
Get him a working man's flavor,
like rum raisin.
Mmm.

325
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,213
Or brown.
Okay.

326
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,559
Baby, you've been squatting
for five and a half hours.

327
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:10,029
That's, like, five hours
longer than any human
should squat.

328
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:13,133
That's it.
I don't care what I promised.

329
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,504
We're going to the hospital
and inducing right now.
Get your keys.

330
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,210
[ Groans ]

331
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:26,279
I'm all cramped up.

332
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,156
I feel like
B.J. and the Bear.

333
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,258
[ Woman On P.A.,
Indistinct ]

334
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:41,628
Whichever one of you
pregnant bitches thinks you're
goin' next, you are wrong.

335
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,397
I need to get some drugs
to kick-start this delivery.

336
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:52,004
- Randy.
- [ Gasps ]
I forgot you were back there.

337
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,908
- Where is everyone?
- Silly sleepyhead,
did you forget? Ice cream.

338
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,077
- What?
- Don't worry.
They're gettin' you something.

339
00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:01,013
No, no, no.
Randy, you can't just let
a couple of criminals...

340
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,882
go into an ice cream store.

341
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,852
It's like lettin'
a bull loose in a Chinese shop.

342
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,322
That's nuts.
How would you even get
a bull into a store?

343
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:13,726
The door would have to be huge,
and then, once he was in there,
he'd just go crazy with--

344
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,628
Oh, crap.

345
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,898
[ Sighs ]

346
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,968
Can't believe
you didn't trust us.

347
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:25,338
Although now that I think
about it, that was
a wasted opportunity.

348
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:30,210
I'm sorry, guys. I should have
known better than to think one
of you would try and run away.

349
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,079
Frank?

350
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,482
Frank?

351
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:39,786
An escaped convict
and a parking ticket
on a state vehicle?

352
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,156
Not the kind of thing
that's gonna get me
laid at home, fellas.

353
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,192
I-It's not my fault, sir.

354
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,227
Captain Jackass was in charge.

355
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:51,898
You actually took prisoners
for ice cream?

356
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,000
Yes, sir.

357
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:57,304
But I got a receipt,
so if I can just
get my eight dollars back--

358
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,306
- Moron.
- [ Snickers ]

359
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,275
I hold you both responsible
for this mess.

360
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:05,878
Look, sir,
I knew Frank on the outside.

361
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:08,481
Maybe I can help the troopers
figure out where he's hidin'.

362
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,318
No, no, no!
No troopers. No press.

363
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,686
And the governor
can never hear about this.

364
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,688
[ Earl Narrating ]
There was a good reason...

365
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,690
the warden didn't want
the governor to find out.

366
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,294
She was also his wife.
So you're trying
Scared Straight again?

367
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:24,731
- Yes.
- And this time you're going
to the school?

368
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,867
- That's what I said.
- With actual prisoners?

369
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:31,604
I know what I'm doing.
I'm a grown man.
[ Grunts ]

370
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,644
You like your job, fella?
Yes.

371
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:43,416
Do you like your brother?
Not at the moment, sir, no.

372
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,885
Too bad. You're both
gonna go out there.

373
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,355
You're gonna find Frank,
and you're gonna bring him back.

374
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,390
Fine. We'll do it.

375
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:53,493
Great. You got 46 hours.

376
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,796
And nobody better
find out about it.
Uh, sir--

377
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,031
Before we go,
which one of us
is in charge?

378
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:01,634
Would you two figure it out?

379
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,408
[ Mouthing Words ]

380
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,513
[ Men ]
* Freeze frame, freeze frame *

381
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,716
* Whoo! Now freeze **