1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:04,004 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,707 [ Earl Narrating ] Life as a prison guard was tough on Randy. 3 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,742 Good luck. 4 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,545 [ Earl Narrating ] Especially when it was time for him to turn off the TV. 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,616 [ Laughs ] 6 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:22,190 Sorry, everyone. Time's up. 7 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:27,795 [ All ] Boo! 8 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:36,137 Hey, guys, if you learn to follow the rules in here, like no TV after 8:00, 9 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:39,507 it'll be easier to follow the rules when you get out, like no murdering people. 10 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,475 [ Woman ] Rain on Thursday. 70% chance-- 11 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,145 All right, who's got the knob? 12 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:47,548 I see it in your hand, Joey. 13 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,550 No, no, no, no, no! 14 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:54,054 Ha. I guess we get to watch TV all night. [ Chuckles ] 15 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:57,057 * Hoo, bad boys, bad boys * 16 00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:00,494 * Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do when they come for you * 17 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:04,232 Oh, my God. Our other Cops is on. Earl! Earl! 18 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,334 Earl! Earl! Earl! 19 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,537 Welcome back to Camden. I'm Officer Stuart Daniels. 20 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:13,441 I'm in charge this week because the captain, my mom, 21 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:17,945 is fighting a difficult battle with the flesh-eating bacteria. 22 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,181 Lost her nose. 23 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:23,551 It's an important week. 24 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:27,121 It's our first Independence Day since the September 11, 9/11 attacks. 25 00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:29,990 Raffle tickets! Sponsored by Bargain Bag! 26 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,025 Win a bus trip to Ground Zero! 27 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:35,563 See firsthand what Saddam Hussein did to our country. 28 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,699 Raffle tickets! 29 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,136 * America rocks * 30 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:45,673 Get your Bin Laden toilet paper! 31 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:50,444 Give Osama a dose of your morning shock and awe! 32 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:54,882 This is a new addition this year. 33 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:59,487 [ Synthesized Voice ] 34 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,723 Hey, Osama, I hope you're watching Cops. 35 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,270 Doesn't matter. That's just a guy in a mask. 36 00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:19,773 The real one will be caught in a month. 37 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,510 Whoo! Jackie! 38 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:25,012 [ Static ] 39 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,515 Score one for the good guys. 40 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,252 I'm Officer Jeff Hoyne. I grew up here in Camden. 41 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,754 So did my twin brother and my twin sister. 42 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:38,058 He's in the appliance business, and she manages the Big Gal Shop at the mall. 43 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:42,696 I worry about them, because, uh, both locations could be high priorities for terrorists. 44 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:48,369 I mean, after all, what's more American than appliances and obese women? 45 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:52,440 [ Screaming ] Hold on. 46 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,643 - Hold on, now. - Officer, she's crazy! You gotta do somethin'! 47 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:59,079 - Ow! - You gotta do somethin'. Like provide for me. 48 00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,349 I'm the queen, you are the worker bee. 49 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,684 Your job is to feed me, do me and die. 50 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,719 Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! I don't blame you. [ Revving ] 51 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,855 But you have to put the weed whacker down. 52 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,990 Now who called 911? 53 00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:11,759 - That's me. - What are you, Iraqian? 54 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,761 - I'm Sikh. - Well, I hope you feel better. 55 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,364 I feel fine. She destroyed my beautiful garden. 56 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,399 Hey, look, Joy. Cops is back. 57 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,402 * Bad boy, bad boy What's it gonna be * 58 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:24,171 * What's it gonna be when they be from me * 59 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:27,575 Cops? Oh, hey, Kevin! 60 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,677 What-- Ah, don't be scared. 61 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,380 I'm sorry I hit you with that brick last time you guys were in town. 62 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:36,650 Stop chasing me, Kevin! Come on, man, be cool! 63 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,753 I'm not messin' around, Kevin! 64 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,624 [ Groans ] You made me do it, Kevin! 65 00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:46,494 Okay, somebody needs to tell me exactly what the problem is. 66 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,629 I'll tell you what the problem is. 67 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,131 I sent this doofus to the fair to find a way to make us some money, 68 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,902 and he ends up spendin' the only cash we have left on some stupid soccer-mom toaster. 69 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,672 I bought a patriotic sandwich maker 'cause I love America and hot sandwiches, 70 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,808 and she attacks me with a weed whacker. 71 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,943 It's the All-American Sandwich Press. 72 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:06,380 It burns an American flag into any food item. 73 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:09,950 "French toast? Not anymore." 74 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:12,853 It don't even make sandwiches. It just decorates 'em. 75 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,889 I mean, what's next? You gonna buy a dress for a watermelon? 76 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,392 - Joy, put the weed whacker down. - Oh, you want it down? 77 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,361 That low enough? Ahh! 78 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:25,466 I need you to take your lazy butt back to the fair and make me some money. 79 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,971 Sometimes it's best just to let these couples work these things out themselves. 80 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:34,975 You crazy ho! Oh, I'll show you a crazy hoe. I'll show you. 81 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:38,178 Without a weapon in her hand, he should be all right. 82 00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:40,681 Ow! Ow! Who's the crazy ho now? 83 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,784 Joy! Joy! Put it down, Joy! 84 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,289 It's bad enough we have no customers today because it's the holiday... 85 00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,258 and everybody's with their stupid families. 86 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:54,762 But then this drunk guy gets up and he kicks us off the stage. 87 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:57,865 * Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry * 88 00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:01,234 * When I take you out in the surrey * 89 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,137 * When I take you out in the surrey * 90 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:07,475 * With the fringe on top * 91 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,077 Ooh. Oklahoma. What a treat. 92 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,213 Usually when Mr. Stack gets drunk and forces his way onto a stage, 93 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,349 he does My Fair Lady. 94 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,586 * Oh, the wheels are yellow The upholstery's brown * [ Man ] Ah, sit down! 95 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,754 * The dashboard's genuine leather * 96 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,990 * With eyes of glass-- ** 97 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,959 Get off the stage, whore! This is my time! 98 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,228 Excuse me, Mr. Stack. 99 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:31,732 Take a bow, Mr. Stack. It's time to go. Gee, Laurey, 100 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:35,235 you're just in time for the dream ballet. 101 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:38,839 [ Booing ] 102 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,808 [ Clapping ] 103 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:47,548 I'm picking up a guy who won a ride along with a cop at a silent auction. 104 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:52,119 He must really want to see an end to leukemia, because he went crazy on the bidding. 105 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,121 Hi, Stuart. [ Chuckles ] 106 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,858 Oh, I see they're back. Yeah. Cops is doin' another episode. You ready? 107 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:01,061 Oh, yeah. Hold on. 108 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:04,832 - Nobody's leavin' the scene of this crime without a picture. - Dad. 109 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,501 Kenny never went to his prom, so this picture will take its place. 110 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,570 Mother. Ah, don't worry, Kenny. 111 00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:13,206 Most guys who get shot down in high school turn out to be big studs. Or gay. 112 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:16,644 - Right, stud? - Say "book 'em." 113 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,581 - [ Both ] Book 'em! - Be careful out there! 114 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:25,853 Oddly enough, if you had a retainer and a dress, you'd look a lot like my prom date. 115 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,788 Oh. Be careful. 116 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,157 I might get you drunk and try to dry hump you later. 117 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,061 We're headin' over to the cotton candy booth. 118 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:37,531 - It's a hot spot for trouble. - Randy, calm down. 119 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,867 I can't see! It's in my eyes! How did this happen? 120 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,603 He was watchin' that man make cotton candy and got dizzy and fell in. 121 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:45,839 Well, lucky he's still alive. I think I heard one of the Kennedys died this way. 122 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:49,910 - Hey, buddy, calm down there! - He can't hear you. He's got cotton candy in his ears. 123 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:53,681 You gotta keep an eye out on these Hickey boys. The big one's an idiot. 124 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,917 The other one's got a wife who's always buggin' him to go out and steal stuff. 125 00:06:56,984 --> 00:07:00,353 We got a manila folder on them down at the station. 126 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:05,192 Oh, no, no. Just stay still, big fella. Stay still. There you-- Oh! 127 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,629 Free cotton candy! 128 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:15,235 In law enforcement, we call cotton candy "the deadliest snack." 129 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,438 [ Laughing ] 130 00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,641 Vultures. 131 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,916 [ Female Dispatcher ] Come in, 1-7. 132 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:33,353 We got a problem over at the Hang Onto A Hard Body Contest. Come on, Kenny, let's roll! 133 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,523 [ Chattering ] 134 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,457 Hey, hey. Quiet down. Quiet down. 135 00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:42,429 Patty, this is supposed to be a contest to win a truck. Where is it? 136 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,598 Well, the car dealership backed out... 137 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:48,368 because last year the winner had been up for three days, fell asleep drivin' home... 138 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,470 and plowed through a marchin' band. 139 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:55,408 Anyway, since the money's goin' to the firemen, I donated my hard body. 140 00:07:55,475 --> 00:08:00,347 Winner gets me for an hour. Full menu. But no asphyxiation! 141 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,282 The little guy's cheatin'. Why do I gotta be the little guy? 142 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,384 Why can't I be the guy with the red shirt? Fine. 143 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,655 The guy in the little red shirt's a cheater. He glued his hand to Patty. 144 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:11,158 - Hickey, aren't you married? - Yeah. I'm doin' this for my wife. 145 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:14,695 I'm gonna sell the hour with Patty, along with the giant teddy bear Randy won. 146 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,964 I hit the balloon guy in the eye with a dart. 147 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,399 He said he didn't care what prize I took. 148 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:22,335 Patty, are they allowed to use glue? What are the rules? 149 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:25,973 Rules? There are no rules. I was supposed to be a Jeep. 150 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,276 - Then I want glue too. - [ All ] Yeah. Yeah! 151 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,144 Fine. Have some glue. 152 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,982 - Hey, that's mine! - Hands off! Hands off! 153 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,317 - Son of a bitch! - All right, problem solved. 154 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:41,121 Good luck to the rest of you. You know what would be hilarious? 155 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:45,225 We should see how long we can keep our hands on each other. Kidding. 156 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:50,063 [ Bell Rings ] [ Man ] We got a winner! 157 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:55,035 This is the safest spot on the fairground, really. 158 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:58,739 It's where we keep all our important stuff. Fireworks. 159 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:03,310 And Homeland Security sent us all kinds of equipment to protect us against attack. 160 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:09,249 For example, this is a surface-to-surface urban combat transport vehicle. 161 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,687 You may know it as a scooter. 162 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,523 We got a call about someone bein' held in a bathroom. 163 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:20,427 My mother used to lock us in the john when one of my "uncles" came to visit. 164 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:24,497 Mom was a cheater. It affected my relationships with women. Don't trust 'em at all. 165 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,667 Here we are. 166 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,705 Thanks for coming. 167 00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:35,876 My grandmom's having a little dustup with my girlfriend on account of her bein' married. 168 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,679 Oh, it's Cops. Dang. [ Joy ] Let me outta here, you great old bat! 169 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,348 [ Woman ] Repent, child of Lucifer! 170 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,451 I can't reason with her when she has a hot iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear. 171 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:48,455 I said repent, you cheatin' white bitch! 172 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:51,258 Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to let the cheatin' white bitch out of the bathroom. 173 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,828 - Who the hell is that? Ahh! - Burn, harlot! 174 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,730 [ Joy ] You burned my new eyelashes! 175 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,899 Ma'am, give me the curling iron. 176 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:03,403 - Oh, I'll give you the curling iron. - Ahh! Ohh! Damn! 177 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,305 [ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ] 178 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:09,209 [ Jeff ] We got a runner! [ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ] 179 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,447 My grandmoms was in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. 180 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,950 Man, Hitler hated her. 181 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,954 [ Scoffs ] I hate her too, crazy old bat. Thinks I'm cheatin'. 182 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:23,724 I just came here to buy a nickel bag for my sweet husband. 183 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:27,627 You know, to celebrate the Fourth of July. She means a bag of nickels. 184 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,797 [ Grunts ] 185 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:44,678 So the hostage was freed. 186 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,347 I burned my face a little. 187 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:50,483 [ Sighs ] I chased the perp for a while, but she was quick. 188 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:54,054 You know, my father had a saying that I never understood until now. 189 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:58,125 "Never get in a footrace with an old black lady." 190 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,429 Ow. 191 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:07,167 We're responding to a child endangerment call. Probably an underage dancer. 192 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:12,740 Unfortunately, sometimes runaways end up in seedy places like this. 193 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,308 Ma'am, will you and your baby step off the stage? 194 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,145 Officer, it's not mine. I'm babysitting. 195 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:21,414 Take it off! Take the baby off! 196 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,753 [ Siren Blaring ] 197 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,095 Whoa! 198 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:38,165 We got a call that a lamb was taken from the petting zoo. 199 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,768 That means they're down to a German Shepherd and those worms. 200 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,871 We spotted two characters who appear to be walking some blankets. 201 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,073 Crap. It's Earl again. 202 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:49,409 If you shoot him, I'll lie and say he lunged for your weapon and would have killed us all. 203 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,544 I appreciate that. You make a good cop, Ken. 204 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:53,981 - [ Earl ] Come on, I.Q. Ball. - Igba. 205 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,784 Whatever. Look, my wife's gonna kill me if I don't come home with some money. 206 00:11:56,850 --> 00:12:00,420 You can eat it, ride it, hump it, I don't care. Twenty bucks, it's yours. 207 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,957 Earl. Earl. 208 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:07,795 Hello, Officer. Happy Fourth of July, don't you agree? 209 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:11,098 You guys didn't happen to see a lamb around here, did you? Nope. 210 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,266 [ Bleating ] 211 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,202 What's this? 212 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,405 It's my dog. A sheep dog. [ Bleating ] 213 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:23,210 Uh, most of it's on the sheep side. Mm-hmm. 214 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,448 Shoot him! Shoot to kill! Ken, when I get all revved up, 215 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,851 you can't encourage me to shoot, because in the heat of the moment, the gun could-- 216 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,186 [ Gunshot ] [ Bleats ] 217 00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:38,491 Move along! Everything's fine. 218 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:42,029 I had to put down a rabid lamb. 219 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,531 It was rabid. Can I have it? 220 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,834 Take it. Take it fast. 221 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:58,045 [ Male Dispatcher, Indistinct ] 222 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,084 I was in New York on September 11. 223 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:07,955 Not 2001. It was '82 or '83. 224 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:12,826 High school class field trip. But still, pretty eerie. 225 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,895 Hey, check that out. 226 00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:18,198 [ Earl ] Yeah, Randy! Whoo-hoo! Yeah. 227 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,268 Speed it up! [ Bobbi ] Hey, guys. 228 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,271 Lookin' good! 229 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,807 It's nice to see someone else who cares about the environment. 230 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,010 Keep it green! 231 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:36,416 We're responding to a 10-66. That's a domestic intruder. 232 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:39,152 I came home, and there were two men in my trailer! 233 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,688 Two of them and three of us? 234 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,823 I don't like those numbers. 235 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,161 Freeze! Freeze! 236 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,330 It's okay. We're Americans. 237 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,366 Give me a break, man. 238 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,437 I come back from the fair with apparently not enough money and the wife locks me out my house. 239 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:01,374 I pee out here all the time, but I'm not gonna poop. Our kids play in this yard. 240 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,911 You're allowed to use the bathroom in other people's trailers. 241 00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,845 You need to cool it, Magic Genie! 242 00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:10,683 Hey, Joy, come out and tell his guy you locked me out of the house! 243 00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,420 Joy? 244 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:16,289 You're not really gonna arrest me, are you? I-I'm the victim here. 245 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,425 Don't you think havin' a crazy wife... 246 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,629 who locks you out of the house for no reason is punishment enough? 247 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:27,234 Sometimes she just seems to hate guys, you know? Women. 248 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,170 You married? Not anymore. 249 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:33,040 Lucky you. She passed away. 250 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,408 Sweet. No alimony. 251 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,383 I'm droppin' these guys off at the fair. 252 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:46,753 I probably should arrest them, but, uh, it's the Fourth of July, 253 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,489 and, uh, they seem like pretty nice guys. 254 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:55,428 Guys, guys. I had a Hep-C tranny back there. You don't want to touch that glass. 255 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,734 Okay, so we are looking for the parents... 256 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:05,872 of this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, eight-year-old boy. Anybody? 257 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:07,340 Yeah. I'll take him. I'll take him. 258 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,410 There you go. You guys work that out. 259 00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:13,446 Okay, I'd like to introduce Officer Stuart Daniels, 260 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:17,550 who is going to give us a demonstration on our new anti-terrorism equipment. 261 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,453 - Hello, residents of Camden. - [ Feedback ] 262 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:25,592 Oh, sorry. I'm not used to speaking to the public, just arresting them. 263 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:29,096 [ Laughs ] 264 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,966 We have a great two-hour show for you. 265 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:38,871 We are going to bring out over $50,000 worth of high-tech surveillance equipment. 266 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:42,509 It was supposed to go to Camden, New Jersey, but it came here. 267 00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:46,946 And in the post 9/11 America, it's every town for itself! 268 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,149 [ Cheering, Applauding ] 269 00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:53,120 We have thermal cameras! We have helmet cameras! 270 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,055 We have this digital fiberscope... 271 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:59,859 which bends so you can find contraband that's hidden in the walls and such. 272 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:04,031 Back at the station, we found, like, five ping-pong balls out from under the soda machine. 273 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:07,700 Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you. 274 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:12,439 All right. Well, to start this demonstration, we're gonna have some T-shirts! 275 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,408 - [ Cheering ] - Who wants a free T-shirt? 276 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,311 - [ Cheering Louder ] - [ Man ] Over here! 277 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:24,151 Oh, crap. I had it set on "stadium." 278 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:28,255 [ Women Shouting ] 279 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,390 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 280 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,759 What is the problem here, ladies? 281 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:36,729 The problem is, Officer, that this perra stole my regular. 282 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,532 All right, all right. Let's hear Perra's side of the story. 283 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:44,104 He's my regular now. You weren't around. A man's got needs. 284 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:47,807 And I got everything he needs right here, okay? 285 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,443 [ Clears Throat ] Uh, what's your side of the story, sir? 286 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,047 I don't know why they're fighting. They have both sat on my lap. 287 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,483 They are both now my wives. 288 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,619 Just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her. 289 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,455 You shouldn't even be sitting on a man's lap. You'll break his legs. 290 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,558 I'm calling you fat. 291 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:09,496 Oh, now, you should not have explained that. 292 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,199 Wives! Wives! I have enough seed for the both of you. 293 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,868 The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons. 294 00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:18,138 See? He called you "thick." 295 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,273 - Oh, you are-- - [ Shouting, Indistinct ] 296 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,743 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on. Let's see where this goes. 297 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:28,215 [ Man On P.A. ] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table. 298 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,472 It's gone. $50,000 worth of equipment, gone. 299 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,574 We're screwed. We are so screwed. 300 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,809 I should've bought into that Quiznos franchise. It's okay. 301 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,879 We can handle it, all right? What did that guy at the, uh, Marriott say? 302 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:03,650 Stop. Assess. Visualize. 303 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,386 Wait, where are the fireworks? They took the fireworks. 304 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,455 The bastards stole our Fourth of July! 305 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,958 This is crazy. Who would want high-tech cameras and fireworks? 306 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:15,027 Fireworks that could be turned into explosives. I think we know who. 307 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:18,931 Hey, white powder. Check it out. That could be anthrax. 308 00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,833 That looks like part of a funnel cake. 309 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,835 They're puttin' anthrax on funnel cakes? Oh, God, I can't breath. 310 00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,138 I ate, like, four of those today! My fingertips are goin' numb! 311 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,640 Nothing's comin'! 312 00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:35,782 I have an announcement to make. First, my brother's here with his kids. 313 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:38,518 Billy, take your kids and get the hell out of here as fast as you can! 314 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:42,222 Leave Grandma. She's had a long life. Go! Go! Go! 315 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,758 Hold it together, Hoyne. Okay, now, there's nothin' to be worried about. 316 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:49,629 We may, and I stress may have had a breach of security... 317 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,732 that could lead to a possible little bitty, tiny-- 318 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,968 Terrorist attack that could rival 9/11! 319 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:59,138 [ All Screaming ] 320 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,778 * Aah * 321 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:13,353 - [ Jeff ] To the bunker! - [ Grunts ] 322 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,255 [ Man ] Just leave her! 323 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:19,392 Terrorists! Hop for your lives! 324 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,430 My mom's gonna kill me. 325 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:35,041 [ Female Dispatcher ] 2091073 King-John-Bravo. No wants or warrants. 326 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:39,446 We've had a breach of security. Cameras and fireworks were stolen by terrorists. 327 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:43,149 And as soon as we figure out how to put together this torturing device and find them, 328 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,618 there's gonna be hell to pay. 329 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,221 [ Electricity Crackles ] Oh, son of a bitch! 330 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,457 Tensions are high. 331 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,760 I got the camera on, but I can't see anything. 332 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,329 [ Earl ] You got it backwards. Oh, right. 333 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,366 I think the camera on mine's workin'. 334 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,802 This is sweet stuff, Randy. We're gonna make a fortune when we sell it. 335 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:06,806 I wonder what this button does. [ Button Clicks ] 336 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,276 Whoa! It turns everything into a Fruit Roll-Up. 337 00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:11,478 Let me see. 338 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,615 Cool! I think it sees heat. 339 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:19,185 Here. Move my cigarette around. 340 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:22,889 Sweet. It's like a ghost dot. 341 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:27,093 I'm a ghost dot. Whoo. 342 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:31,230 I'm floatin' around. Whoo. 343 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,766 Earl, I'm scared. 344 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,102 [ Bird Screeches ] 345 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,405 Well, they stole our Fourth of July. 346 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:41,107 Look at this place. Totally deserted. 347 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,075 This was the heart of our town. 348 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:47,947 It's like the terrorists kneed us in the nuts. The nuts of our heart. 349 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:51,651 The worst part is that they took our fireworks. 350 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:54,053 God knows what they'll do with them. 351 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,824 I already lived through one explosion. I can't do it again. 352 00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:03,363 * She lost her leg * 353 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:09,402 Am I scared? Hell, yes, I'm scared. 354 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,371 And a little surprised. 355 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:15,542 I always thought I'd die at the hands of a team of J.V. football players. 356 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:19,779 It really makes you think about what's important in your life. 357 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,982 I should start callin' my mama more. 358 00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:27,620 And I am definitely gonna keep my next baby. 359 00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:29,822 Mm-hmm. 360 00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,826 [ Sighs ] [ Grunts ] 361 00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:39,165 I remember my first terrorist attack. 362 00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:42,969 I was six years old, and I hijacked a school bus filled with children of diplomats. 363 00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:46,706 I was angry because they got to eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch, 364 00:21:46,773 --> 00:21:49,141 while we only had mud and jelly. 365 00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:52,379 It looks the same, but it tastes completely different. 366 00:21:52,445 --> 00:21:57,316 The next day, they took away our jelly, and we only had the mud. 367 00:21:57,384 --> 00:22:00,387 There are no winners in terrorism. 368 00:22:00,453 --> 00:22:02,455 [ Bell Dings ] 369 00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:07,226 I read the manual on how to profile possible terrorists, but it was really confusing. 370 00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:09,161 So I got this at the hardware store. 371 00:22:09,228 --> 00:22:13,833 I'm questioning anybody that falls between Swiss Almond and Coconut Husk. 372 00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:19,138 Nah, he's all right. 373 00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:21,173 Stay out of the sun, fella! 374 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,076 You're on the bubble! 375 00:22:24,143 --> 00:22:27,246 They took our fireworks? My husband loves those fireworks. 376 00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:29,749 Now what's he gonna be doin' between 8:00 and 10:00 tonight? 377 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:33,352 They can't just do that. People have made plans! 378 00:22:34,286 --> 00:22:36,423 [ Grunts ] 379 00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,960 [ Earl ] Randy, hurry. Get in there! Get down! 380 00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:46,399 This will be hilarious. We're outside the diner. 381 00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:49,902 When they take the trash out, Randy's gonna jump out and scare the crap out of them. 382 00:22:49,969 --> 00:22:52,238 The best part is, he's got a camera on his helmet... 383 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:56,375 so we can see their stupid faces when they scream. [ Laughs ] 384 00:23:00,647 --> 00:23:02,949 [ Earl ] Holy Moses! 385 00:23:03,015 --> 00:23:06,218 Earl! Earl! Earl! 386 00:23:06,285 --> 00:23:08,588 Yeah, Randy! Hang on, buddy! Earl! 387 00:23:08,655 --> 00:23:10,990 - Earl! Earl! - I'm gettin' it. I got it. 388 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:14,026 - Earl, help me, help me! - Yeah! 389 00:23:14,093 --> 00:23:16,362 [ Screams ] 390 00:23:16,429 --> 00:23:18,164 People are freaked, and they should be. 391 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,833 Everybody in this city could be dead before sundown. 392 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,403 Still, the charity ride-along had a coupon for lunch. 393 00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:26,473 This wine isn't wine. 394 00:23:26,539 --> 00:23:28,808 I think it's beer with Kool-Aid in it. 395 00:23:28,875 --> 00:23:31,544 I saw the guy roll his eyes when you ordered merlot. 396 00:23:31,611 --> 00:23:33,480 I'm pretty sure he spit in it. 397 00:23:33,546 --> 00:23:36,549 You get used to it. That kind of thing happens to cops a lot. 398 00:23:36,616 --> 00:23:39,552 It's the real reason we eat so many doughnuts. 399 00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:42,054 Hard to hide a loogie on a doughnut. 400 00:23:42,121 --> 00:23:46,392 You know, if you'd rather, I could just make us dinner. Tonight. 401 00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:50,396 - Or Friday night. - No, no. You paid top-dollar for this. 402 00:23:50,463 --> 00:23:53,365 You shouldn't have to cook. 403 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,068 I make a great risotto. 404 00:23:56,135 --> 00:23:58,571 * I saw her headin' to the table * 405 00:23:58,638 --> 00:24:00,507 * Well, a tall walkin'-- * 406 00:24:00,573 --> 00:24:04,677 I feel 87% sure it wasn't terrorists that stole those fireworks. 407 00:24:04,744 --> 00:24:07,614 Nonetheless, I'm happy for the public misconception. 408 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,216 All this misguided anti-Arab hysteria... 409 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:15,254 significantly reduces my likelihood of being victimized by random police brutality. 410 00:24:15,321 --> 00:24:18,424 I feel bad for Hispanics, though. 411 00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:23,129 * Get it on Get it on ** 412 00:24:23,195 --> 00:24:26,699 A lot of people think we've been living in a terror-free America until now. 413 00:24:26,766 --> 00:24:29,602 That's not true. I've been terrorized my whole life. 414 00:24:29,669 --> 00:24:35,074 When I was 10, my father forced me to play catch for a whole hour without stopping. 415 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:36,976 And my mom didn't care. 416 00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:41,080 She was too busy not using the potholders I made her. 417 00:24:42,782 --> 00:24:46,619 Another disturbance at Pimmett Hills. Third one today. 418 00:24:46,686 --> 00:24:51,357 I keep saying we should just wall it off and let them police themselves, but no one listens. 419 00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:55,695 [ Male Dispatcher ] Roger, 1-3 go ahead. Come out, you pervert! 420 00:24:55,762 --> 00:24:57,630 Come on! All right, guys, what's the problem? 421 00:24:57,697 --> 00:25:00,767 He thinks just 'cause I used his bathroom, he can peep on me and my wife... 422 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:02,935 havin' a romantic hump. 423 00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:06,205 [ Earl ] Baby, you're not gonna believe what we scored at the fair. 424 00:25:06,272 --> 00:25:08,908 Our kids are never gonna have to steal a day in their lives. 425 00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:11,844 - What's goin' on in here? - Nothin'. 426 00:25:11,911 --> 00:25:14,814 [ Randy ] Hey, who got the new shirt? 427 00:25:14,881 --> 00:25:19,886 "Danger - educated black man." 428 00:25:19,952 --> 00:25:23,990 I bought that for Earl Junior. 429 00:25:24,056 --> 00:25:26,593 Thought we could give it to him if he finishes high school. 430 00:25:26,659 --> 00:25:29,729 - Oh, I know what's goin' on. - You do? 431 00:25:29,796 --> 00:25:33,232 You're settin' up a little afternoon delight for mommy and daddy. 432 00:25:33,299 --> 00:25:35,401 Feelin' hot for the provider. 433 00:25:35,467 --> 00:25:37,837 Well, let's see how hot, little lady. 434 00:25:37,904 --> 00:25:41,974 [ Laughs ] You're on fire. 435 00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:44,777 Guess we don't have to waste any time kissin'. 436 00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:52,018 Randy, if you're gonna be in the room, you have to face the wall. 437 00:25:52,084 --> 00:25:55,187 [ Randy ] I know the rule. [ Earl ] Let's get this party started, Joy. 438 00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:57,256 Oh, God. 439 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,201 Damn it, Randy, no peepin'! 440 00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:11,671 [ Glass Shatters ] 441 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:15,207 What the hell was that? I heard it too. 442 00:26:15,274 --> 00:26:19,311 Randy, I think someone's in the back of the trailer. Let's go. 443 00:26:26,185 --> 00:26:29,055 Yeah, I know it's him. I saw him runnin' away from my trailer. 444 00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:31,658 Why would I spy on her? Look at how she dresses. 445 00:26:31,724 --> 00:26:33,926 I can see her elbows any time I want. 446 00:26:33,993 --> 00:26:37,096 Dude, if you like elbows, boobies are gonna blow your mind. 447 00:26:37,163 --> 00:26:39,598 Hey, where did you get that helmet? 448 00:26:39,666 --> 00:26:43,369 Huh? I'd like an attorney, please. 449 00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:47,206 - Nobody move. - [ Randy ] I want an attorney! 450 00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:50,409 Crap! Send all units! [ Gunshot ] 451 00:26:50,476 --> 00:26:53,345 * Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do * Officer down! 452 00:26:53,412 --> 00:26:55,214 Not shot, uh, just fell. 453 00:26:55,281 --> 00:26:58,384 * Bad boys, bad boys * Officer up. 454 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,253 * Whatcha gonna do when they come for you ** 455 00:27:04,657 --> 00:27:06,492 [ Female Dispatcher ] Go ahead, 1-12. 456 00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:08,494 [ Male Dispatcher ] 1-12, stand by. 457 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,397 We saw the suspects enter this trailer. We're gonna go in on three. 458 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,466 Hey, you know what? Let's go in on two. More of a surprise. 459 00:27:14,533 --> 00:27:17,069 Cool. I'll use my hand as a gun. 460 00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:19,505 You know what? Let's keep it at three. Standard procedure. 461 00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:21,640 Okay, one, two-- 462 00:27:21,708 --> 00:27:24,010 It's locked. 463 00:27:25,077 --> 00:27:27,079 Freeze! 464 00:27:28,915 --> 00:27:31,017 - Hey, Kevin. Did you knock? - [ Stuart ] Freeze! 465 00:27:31,083 --> 00:27:33,419 I'll get the bleached-blonde hussy! 466 00:27:35,521 --> 00:27:37,824 Psst! Psst! 467 00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:40,259 [ Randy ] Hey, Darnell. Why are you naked? 468 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:42,995 I'm a free spirit. Look, we gotta get out of here. 469 00:27:43,062 --> 00:27:45,231 How? There's cops everywhere. Follow me. 470 00:27:45,297 --> 00:27:48,167 I've had a lot of practice sneakin' in and out of the trailer park. 471 00:27:48,234 --> 00:27:51,503 Stay close. But not too close, remembering that I'm naked and whatnot. 472 00:27:51,570 --> 00:27:54,673 [ Siren Blaring In Distance ] 473 00:27:54,741 --> 00:27:58,377 I'm on my way to the trailer park to help nab some terrorists. 474 00:27:58,444 --> 00:28:02,448 Technically, I should pull myself over, 'cause I'm drivin' with an open container. 475 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:04,483 An open container of whup ass. 476 00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:08,187 - [ Panting ] - [ Clunk ] 477 00:28:08,254 --> 00:28:11,157 Thank you, sir. I got it from here. 478 00:28:11,223 --> 00:28:14,626 Ahh! Ahh! Hey! Somebody help me! 479 00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:17,163 Ahh. Dear, Mom. 480 00:28:17,229 --> 00:28:21,801 Today... I... called... the wrong... girl... a hussy. 481 00:28:21,868 --> 00:28:24,236 [ Siren Stops ] Terrorist! 482 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,943 Well, looks like the bad guys have been apprehended. 483 00:28:31,010 --> 00:28:35,114 These cops are amazing, the way they're so in control. Ow! 484 00:28:35,181 --> 00:28:38,650 Yeah, maybe later, we'll all relax a little and go to a strip club. 485 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:43,722 Look at some female breasts. You know, pound some shots, maybe do some apple martinis. 486 00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:48,961 And then race for pink slips, like Danny Zuko in Grease. [ Chuckles ] 487 00:28:59,305 --> 00:29:01,440 No. Lift. 488 00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:04,443 No. You gotta release it. 489 00:29:13,385 --> 00:29:16,655 I haven't seen a country this broken since Vietnam. 490 00:29:16,722 --> 00:29:20,459 My son and I passed through there on a sex tour in the late '80s. 491 00:29:22,461 --> 00:29:25,998 The Vietnamese are a beautiful and flexible people. 492 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:31,904 Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride home? I drove my car into a quarry. 493 00:29:31,971 --> 00:29:36,308 We're gonna take the terrorists into the tent for a little bit of questioning. 494 00:29:36,375 --> 00:29:38,978 In the old days, we'd just book him and read him his rights, 495 00:29:39,045 --> 00:29:41,647 but it's a 9/12 world. Ahh! 496 00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:44,516 Terrorist got a boo-boo? [ Joy ] Hey! 497 00:29:44,583 --> 00:29:47,353 Hey, I'm innocent! I don't want to go down with him! 498 00:29:47,419 --> 00:29:51,223 Hey, can I plea bargain? I know who kidnapped the mayor's daughter! 499 00:29:51,290 --> 00:29:53,792 I swear, I'm not a terrorist! I'm American! 500 00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:55,962 I-I drive a Chevy! 501 00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:58,998 We know you're hiding the truth somewhere deep inside you. 502 00:29:59,065 --> 00:30:01,667 And this little camera is gonna help us find it. 503 00:30:01,733 --> 00:30:04,036 [ Gasps ] 504 00:30:04,103 --> 00:30:07,339 All right, I did it! I'm a terrorist! Get it out of me! 505 00:30:07,406 --> 00:30:11,177 The suspect caved almost immediately. 506 00:30:11,243 --> 00:30:13,946 You know, sometimes police work is challenging. 507 00:30:14,013 --> 00:30:16,515 Sometimes it's rewarding. 508 00:30:16,582 --> 00:30:18,517 Sometimes it's just gross. 509 00:30:22,388 --> 00:30:25,024 They beat a confession out of you already? 510 00:30:25,091 --> 00:30:27,459 More like into me. 511 00:30:27,526 --> 00:30:29,996 Oh, snap. 512 00:30:30,062 --> 00:30:33,665 Well, now you know why I confessed all that stuff on our anniversary. 513 00:30:33,732 --> 00:30:36,368 Mom, we caught the terrorist. 514 00:30:36,435 --> 00:30:41,373 Yeah, I know you don't have a lot of weekday minutes left. Whoo-hoo! 515 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,343 I'm gonna have to call you back. No, nothing bad happened. [ Siren Blaring ] 516 00:30:44,410 --> 00:30:46,545 My girlfriend's on the other line. 517 00:30:46,612 --> 00:30:50,149 Maybe I do have a girlfriend! 518 00:30:50,216 --> 00:30:52,451 Mom, why can't things be easier between us? 519 00:30:58,324 --> 00:31:01,227 [ Female Dispatcher ] 10-22, auto at 2306 South-- 520 00:31:01,293 --> 00:31:03,662 I saw a cop car with keys, and I had to steal it. 521 00:31:03,729 --> 00:31:06,865 It's like when a horse puts on a saddle, it wants you to ride him. 522 00:31:06,933 --> 00:31:10,569 All I did was run from a cop today. I wasn't even in that much trouble. 523 00:31:10,636 --> 00:31:14,840 Well, actually I also told 'em you were plannin' to blow up the Camden Shoe Pavilion. 524 00:31:14,907 --> 00:31:17,343 What? That's crazy. I love that place. 525 00:31:17,409 --> 00:31:19,545 That's where I get all my irregular jellies. 526 00:31:19,611 --> 00:31:23,916 Torture hurts, Joy. I also told 'em my mom shot Abe Lincoln. 527 00:31:23,983 --> 00:31:28,487 You betrayed me. Just remember this moment, if you ever find out I betrayed you. 528 00:31:28,554 --> 00:31:30,756 I haven't, but now I can. 529 00:31:30,822 --> 00:31:34,393 Look, I'll make it up to you. We'll-We'll go to Canada and start a new life. 530 00:31:34,460 --> 00:31:37,229 You love Michael J. Fox. He's from there. 531 00:31:37,296 --> 00:31:40,066 [ Gasps ] M.J.F. is from Canada? 532 00:31:40,132 --> 00:31:43,169 Oh, that's right. You're the one who loves him. 533 00:31:43,235 --> 00:31:45,737 Fine. I guess Canada's not that bad. 534 00:31:45,804 --> 00:31:48,007 Their beer has twice the amount of alcohol ours does. 535 00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:51,710 Plus, you know they're laid-back. I mean, they got a pot leaf right on their flag. 536 00:31:51,777 --> 00:31:54,413 Pot flags? We're goin' to Canada! 537 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:57,449 Hey, Canada. That sounds like a super idea. 538 00:31:57,516 --> 00:32:00,686 Listen, can you guys drop me off at the next block? 539 00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,722 We can't now, Kevin. You heard us talkin' about Canada. 540 00:32:03,789 --> 00:32:06,125 You should have spoken up before we made our plan. 541 00:32:06,192 --> 00:32:08,560 Yeah, man. Use your head. 542 00:32:08,627 --> 00:32:12,664 Our squad cars get stolen pretty frequently, so now they all have LoJack. 543 00:32:12,731 --> 00:32:17,503 Plus, they breakdown every 30 to 40 miles, so I don't expect the culprits to get far. 544 00:32:17,569 --> 00:32:21,107 - What in the world? - Oh, this is odd. 545 00:32:26,345 --> 00:32:30,382 * Oh, beautiful for empty fairs * 546 00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:33,885 * Gee, Jihads make me sad * 547 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:37,156 That's the heart of our town right there, and that heart is broken. 548 00:32:37,223 --> 00:32:40,859 Be careful out there, Mr. Stack. There's a lot of idiots on the road today. 549 00:32:40,926 --> 00:32:43,862 Okay, Mom. [ Jeff ] He's clearly drunk. 550 00:32:43,929 --> 00:32:45,797 But bumper cars are made for crashin'. 551 00:32:45,864 --> 00:32:49,201 Besides, I don't want to alienate the guy. He's in the Camden tourist brochure. 552 00:32:49,268 --> 00:32:51,303 There's a nice picture of him on the antique train. 553 00:32:58,377 --> 00:33:01,613 [ Dog Barks ] [ Grunts ] 554 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,083 It's kind of funny how you keep gettin' kidnapped by us, Kevin. 555 00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,086 Maybe you should look inside yourself and see what you keep doin' wrong. 556 00:33:07,153 --> 00:33:10,522 Listen, when we get to Canada, I'll call 'em and tell where we hid the car. 557 00:33:10,589 --> 00:33:13,725 And I'm still pretty sure I can talk Randy out of ditchin' it in the lake. 558 00:33:13,792 --> 00:33:17,763 - Lake! Lake! Lake! Lake! - Well, you do make a good point. 559 00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:19,731 [ Radio Dispatcher, Indistinct ] 560 00:33:19,798 --> 00:33:23,902 [ Siren Blares ] 561 00:33:23,969 --> 00:33:26,004 Freeze! I will shoot you this time! 562 00:33:26,072 --> 00:33:29,508 * The terrorists have won again * 563 00:33:29,575 --> 00:33:32,811 * The score is orange to none * 564 00:33:32,878 --> 00:33:36,182 * America, America * 565 00:33:36,248 --> 00:33:40,018 * I should have hosted Family Feud * 566 00:33:49,828 --> 00:33:51,963 * Oh * 567 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:56,435 * Beautiful for spacious skies * 568 00:33:56,502 --> 00:34:01,473 * For amber waves of grain * 569 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:07,313 * For purple mountain majesty * 570 00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:12,751 [ All ] * Above the fruity plain * 571 00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:28,434 Man, the Chinese make a nice firework. 572 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:30,802 Their food's really good too. 573 00:34:44,650 --> 00:34:47,419 It's beautiful. 574 00:34:49,255 --> 00:34:51,123 I only have one testicle. 575 00:34:51,190 --> 00:34:53,292 Ew, gross! 576 00:34:53,359 --> 00:34:58,864 * I have all the parts of my body * 577 00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:03,802 [ Patty ] Look at that. 578 00:35:03,869 --> 00:35:06,772 Oh, this is the greatest country to live in... 579 00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:10,075 and sell your body to strangers in the world. 580 00:35:10,142 --> 00:35:12,311 Amen. 581 00:35:17,082 --> 00:35:19,351 All right, I can do this. Stay calm. 582 00:35:19,418 --> 00:35:21,720 There's gotta be something in here I can use to escape. 583 00:35:21,787 --> 00:35:23,555 [ Fireworks Exploding ] 584 00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:27,025 Well, what's this? Road flare? 585 00:35:27,092 --> 00:35:29,428 [ Screaming ] 586 00:35:29,495 --> 00:35:32,164 Quite a sight, isn't it? 587 00:35:32,231 --> 00:35:34,333 [ Both ] Yeah. 588 00:35:35,801 --> 00:35:39,771 All right, watch your heads. [ Groans ] 589 00:35:41,940 --> 00:35:46,011 [ Kevin ] Help! Help! Wait! Wait, I-- Help! 590 00:35:46,077 --> 00:35:48,814 Hi. 591 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:52,318 Well, we did it. We won. 592 00:35:52,384 --> 00:35:55,053 Camden's back, the fair's back, 593 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:57,155 the spirit of independence is back. 594 00:35:58,190 --> 00:36:01,760 * America rocks * 595 00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:05,664 * America rocks * 596 00:36:05,731 --> 00:36:07,899 * America rocks * Yeah, it's a great Fourth of July. 597 00:36:07,966 --> 00:36:10,402 I guess we got a little carried away, though. 598 00:36:10,469 --> 00:36:14,406 But nobody ever saved any lives by not getting carried away. 599 00:36:14,473 --> 00:36:17,543 That Hickey character agreed not to sue us for torturing him... 600 00:36:17,609 --> 00:36:19,578 if we dropped all the charges against him. 601 00:36:19,645 --> 00:36:22,348 So all in all, a good day. 602 00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:26,051 Terrorists one, cops one. 603 00:36:26,117 --> 00:36:29,321 Tie score. Your move, terrorists. 604 00:36:29,388 --> 00:36:31,523 Thanks, Kenny. 605 00:36:33,959 --> 00:36:37,263 You know, I know cops aren't supposed to show emotion, but damn it, this town, 606 00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:39,765 I'm so proud. 607 00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:42,401 The heroes are them. 608 00:36:42,468 --> 00:36:45,537 Stuart, do you ever feel so American... 609 00:36:45,604 --> 00:36:49,908 that you just want to be American with another American male? 610 00:36:49,975 --> 00:36:53,279 I think I see what you're gettin' at here, Kenny. 611 00:36:53,345 --> 00:36:55,347 And believe me, I've thought about it. 612 00:36:55,414 --> 00:36:58,384 You're a very attractive man. 613 00:36:58,450 --> 00:37:02,421 But I'm Catholic. It's a no-go. 614 00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:21,072 * Bad boys, bad boys * 615 00:37:21,139 --> 00:37:23,742 * Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do when they come for you * 616 00:37:23,809 --> 00:37:26,545 [ Earl Narrating ] After that, the prisoners treated Randy differently. 617 00:37:26,612 --> 00:37:29,515 In fact, they started treatin' him like one of their own. 618 00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:33,619 Hey, Randy, it's cool that you're famous. I'm famous too. 619 00:37:33,685 --> 00:37:36,655 I won the $350 million Mega Ball. 620 00:37:36,722 --> 00:37:39,691 Then I shot my dad. That was stupid. 621 00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:43,729 Oh, yeah. You were on the news. The million dollar moron. 622 00:37:43,795 --> 00:37:49,735 Multi-million dollar moron. But, yeah, that was me. 623 00:37:53,705 --> 00:37:56,375 So you actually know Tim Stack? Uh-huh. 624 00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:58,710 Wow. He's funny. 625 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:01,413 I'd like to kidnap him and spend some time with him. 626 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,649 Then maybe set him on fire. 627 00:38:03,715 --> 00:38:06,852 Yeah. He would be funny on fire. 628 00:38:06,918 --> 00:38:10,021 * Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire * 629 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,491 * Set him on fire Watch him burn to death * 630 00:38:12,558 --> 00:38:15,361 * Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire * 631 00:38:15,427 --> 00:38:17,596 * Set him on fire Watch him burn to death * 632 00:38:17,663 --> 00:38:20,399 * Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire **