My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] When you're in prison, nobody trusts you...
to do the simplest things you used to take for granted.
I don't understand why they're so touchy about us having our own nail clippers.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, seems kind of silly.
But last year an inmate used a pair to cut off another guy's arm.
Took a week and a half. Big lawsuit.
Oh, I forgot. I'm supposed to take you to the warden.
The warden? Yeah.
I got so caught up watching you cut your nails, I lost track of time.
Hey, do you mind if I tell 'em we're late 'cause you resisted a little?
I guess not. Oh, great. Thank you so much.
[ Shouts, Groans ] Gotta make it believable.
[ Groaning ] No, no, no. Don't rub it. It only makes it worse.
[ Earl Narrating ] It hurt to get Maced in the eyes,
but Randy missed me so much, he felt like he'd been Maced in the heart.
So, hopin' to join me in prison, he stole a car.
Oh, my God! I'm stealin' a car!
Come and get me!
[ Earl Narrating ] Then he waited to get arrested.
And waited.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And waited.
And after three days, he gave up.
Then Randy had another not-so-good idea.
Excuse me, Officer. What's the name of that killer...
that's killin' all the people at truck stops?
The Truck Stop Killer. Oh, yeah. That's me.
We already caught that guy. Oh.
See that graffiti over there? I did that.
Really?
Hey, that's nice work. My wife's been looking for somebody to do a mural in the baby's room.
Would you do it for 50 bucks?
[ Door Buzzes ]
Randy, they're not gonna send you to prison for slappin' a cop.
Even if they did, you know the odds you'd be sent to the same place as Earl?
- Seven. - Seven what?
Seven going to prisons.
- That don't even make sense. - Twelve?
I'm gonna bail you out because I promised Earl I'd take care of you,
and I'm a woman of integrity.
Just be thankful your brother's in prison for a felony I committed.
My uncle once slapped a cop. He got 12 years in a penitentiary.
- Guess what color he was. - Lucky.
Oh, wait. That's not a color.
[ Earl Narrating ] As warden, Jerry Hazelwood was responsible for overseeing the prisoners.
Thing was, he didn't like seeing prisoners.
Uh, you wanted to see me, Warden?
Sir? Sir Warden?
Well, hey.
Nice work on, uh, helping that Camden Scout fella make his parole a couple of days ago.
As a reward, I would like to give you a certificate for one week off your prison sentence,
and a coupon for a 20% discount at the prison store.
Wow. A week off my sentence.
Plus, I like those coffee mugs they sell,
and I always thought they were about 20% too much.
Well, you were a big help.
Lord knows I need all the help I can get.
Don't tell anyone, but this being a prison warden, it's hard.
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden used to have a pretty sweet life.
Then his wife became governor and ruined all his fun.
[ Woman ] Jerry and I are honored to be living in the governor's mansion...
and to be a part of its distinguished history. [ Gasps ]
- Oh, Jerry. - What? I have underwear on.
[ Earl Narrating ] And so the governor decided to get Jerry a job.
Unfortunately, the first job didn't work out.
Training? These guys don't need training.
We're the National Guard. We're never gonna fight in a war.
[ Earl Narrating ] So his wife made him a warden,
but he just kept making mistakes.
Like letting a company hire prison labor to make something...
that probably shouldn't be made inside a prison.
And there was his mandatory "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."
[ Screaming ]
And I bet with that ladder incident,
nobody talks about the 740 inmates that didn't escape.
Oh. I like that.
You're a prison half-full kind of guy.
Anyway, I've got this problem with these two gangs.
It's kind of an ebony-ivory sort of thing.
Only the ivory is a Spanish gang, so it's ebony-Spanish.
[ Earl Narrating ] The gangs the warden was talking about...
had one thing in common-- they hated each other.
So the warden tried to keep the peace by taking the leader of the Latin gang, Hector,
and the leader of the black gang, Jamal,
and locking 'em in solitary together for a month.
The warden was a big fan of that TV show The Odd Couple...
and thought if it didn't work out, at least there'd be some laughs.
What's up? [ Grunting ]
All right. Open it up.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sure enough, after a month together, they hated each other more than ever.
The gang violence continued.
You get these two gangs to stop fighting, I'm gonna give you another certificate.
This time for one month off your sentence.
A-A month? I'm in.
All right, just a little word of advice.
These fellas can smell fear.
You gotta let 'em know who's boss from jump street.
You gotta stand taller than they do, you gotta speak louder than they do.
You gotta be tougher than they are. You gotta--
[ Shouting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden was gonna give me another certificate...
for time off my sentence if I could stop the gangs from fightin'.
First thing I had to do was figure out what started it.
* [ Man ] You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain * Hey, man, check it out!
* Too much love drives a man insane *
* You broke my will but what a thrill *
* Goodness gracious Great balls of fire *
* I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny * Balls.
[ Earl Narrating ] And so I convinced the warden to get another ball.
That way both gangs could play and everyone would be happy.
* Goodness gracious Great balls of fire *
* Kiss me, baby *
* Mmm Feels good *
Ah! * Hold me, baby *
* Well, I want to love you like a lover should *
- * You're fine * - More balls.
* Got to tell this world that you're mine, mine mine, mine *
- * I chew my nails and then I twiddle my thumbs * - [ Shouting ]
* I'm real nervous but it sure is fun *
Too many balls.
Hey, Earl. Your ex-wife and current brother are here to see you.
They, uh-- They look mad.
Why can't people just be nice to each other, Ron?
People need guardin', Earl. That's all I know about 'em.
* Goodness gracious Great balls of fire **
I had to go bail out this dummy and miss my Brazilian wax.
If I go into labor, I'm gonna be all stubbly on my home video.
I didn't ask you to bail me out. You could've gone to Brazil if you wanted.
[ Sighs ] So humiliatin'. The police thought Randy was my husband.
Although they thought Darnell was my driver. That was kind of flattering.
- I miss you, Earl. - That's all he ever talks about. He's making me crazy.
Randy, I miss you too, but you gotta get used to the fact that...
we can't be together right now.
I brought us a Sno Ball. We can unscrew it,
and I'll eat the top and you can eat the inside,
kind of like we used to do when we were kids.
Oh, God. Somebody turned the sprinkler on again.
Shut up! You shut up.
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, living in the trailer together...
wasn't any easier for Joy and Randy than living in solitary was for Hector and Jamal.
[ Joy, Randy Arguing ] Knock it off, both of you.
Randy, I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her.
Go on.
Well, I suppose she does have a nice rack.
Was that so hard?
Now, Joy, you say something nice about Randy.
Well, he has been rememberin' more to flush the toilet,
especially after a big job.
I'm tryin'. And I appreciate that.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was working. And suddenly I had an idea.
Ron, I have to see the warden.
What? You're leavin'? What about our snack?
Sorry, Randy. I'll have to take it with me.
Is that a Sno Ball, Earl? It sure is, Ron.
Oh, I love Sno Balls, especially the top part.
Really? 'Cause I only like the insides.
Here you go. Oh, thank you.
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Stupid bad-guy zookeeper's eatin' my Sno Ball.
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden was happy to let me use his office to try my experiment,
mostly 'cause it meant he could leave and go see a movie.
Thanks for agreeing not to kill each other while we try to work this out.
Now, Hector, I want you to say one nice thing about Jamal.
[ Whirring ]
Oh, you don't want to be photographed saying something nice about your enemy.
Is that it?
Fine. I'm not givin' up on you guys. We're gonna stay here as long as it takes for--
Oh!
So, you're kissin'.
What's with that?
I'm not going to lie anymore.
Jamal is my everything.
I can't hear that enough.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then they explained what really happened in solitary that month.
Come on! At first, they did fight.
[ Groaning ] But after a few days, they were worn out.
At the beginning, it was awkward.
Eventually they started talking, and it turned out they had a lot in common.
[ No Audible Dialogue ] Both of them didn't like spiders or negative people...
or being startled while taking drugs.
It sucks. It does suck.
[ Earl Narrating ] And a few days later, well, it was a relationship.
You have incredible eyes.
Fierce, like a eagle, but soft, like a water bed.
Oh, papi.
[ Earl Narrating ] When their time in solitary was up,
they knew they'd have to keep their feelings secret...
so as to not undermine their authority as vicious gang leaders.
Well, I guess this is it then. I'm sad.
This time together has been so special for me.
I'm sad. [ Guard ] All right. Open it up.
I'll see you in my dreams. I'm sad.
[ Groaning ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And so they pretended to still hate each other.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ] They couldn't be together, but they couldn't stand to be apart.
When their longing for one another got too great,
well, they got together the only way they could.
[ Shouting ]
I missed you. Squeeze my buttocks.
So you make your gangs fight just so you can have a few seconds together?
Well, in fairness, they also enjoy fighting.
You guys should just be honest about how you feel.
You could be prison role models.
We could use more of those. Or one.
You know what, Hector? I think he's right. I want to be honest.
I'm sick of livin' in the shadows.
Puss, we've talked about this. My gang will never accept you.
So what? I'm not good enough for them?
You're just not the right color, Jamal.
Plus the gay thing-- They'll think it's icky.
Well, I need more from you than just an occasional punch in the throat.
If I can't have that, then I don't want anything.
Jamal-- Don't.
But y-you-you guys aren't gonna fight anymore, right? [ Door Closes ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, Jamal felt scorned,
and that meant all-out war.
Oh, man. I got a spoon last time.
Hopefully the guy you're fightin' has soup.
[ Laughs ]
Now, just so we're clear, you only get a month-off certificate...
if you increase the peace, not decrease it.
That I could've done on my own. Sir, I'm doin' my best.
Well, your best has gotten me an infirmary full of stab wound victims,
not to mention a guy with a bucket stuck on his head.
They're not sure that thing's ever gonna come off, Earl.
Yeah, they're already callin' him Buckethead.
Lookit, I'll level with ya.
I have a fraternity reunion coming up, and if I'm not employed,
Slime Cracker and Man Boobs are gonna tease the crap out of me.
I'll fix it.
[ Earl Narrating ] While things were getting worse in prison,
they were finally getting better for Joy and Randy.
Joy, I have a question, and Darnell won't help me.
It's a book, Randy. I know.
I figure the only way I can be with Earl is to try to become a prison guard.
I think it's a dangerous job for him. I mean, look at his reaction time.
Randy, I'm going to slap you.
- Ow. - He's like a snake in winter.
Is this a full-time job that'll get you out of the house...
so I don't have to stare at you sittin' on my couch all day like a uncooked biscuit?
Yes, and part of what you just said hurt my feelings.
I'm sorry, Randy. Let me make up for it by helping you study.
We'll start slow.
"True or false-- If I was held hostage, I would sue the city."
False? That's right.
[ Earl Narrating ] If I was gonna fix the gang problem,
I needed to fix the romance problem.
I started by stealing Jamal's sweaty shirt.
Since Jamal was the one feelin' scorned, I had to get Hector to make the first move.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Man ] * Lord, oh, yeah *
[ Man On P.A. ] Lights out.
[ Earl Narrating ] Next I talked to Homer, who works in the prison laundry.
Other than once killing nine people on a party boat, he's a real nice guy.
* Don't look to those above you *
* When you're down and out *
* There ain't no doubt *
* Nobody wants you *
* But you're rock candy baby *
* You're hard, sweet and sticky *
- Thanks, man. - * Yes *
* You're rock candy, baby *
* Hard, sweet and sticky *
[ Earl Narrating ] While Hector was watching Jamal lick his ice cream,
Randy was hoping he could lick his prison guard test.
Then he waited for the results.
* Sticky ** Are you Randy Hickey?
Tell me I didn't get that one wrong.
Mr. Hickey, you scored 55%.
I think I'd like to play the race card. How do I do that?
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy might not have gotten the results he wanted,
but it looked like I was starting to get the results I wanted.
I miss Jamal. Go talk to him.
Tell him you want him back, and then your gangs can stop fighting.
[ Hector ] Nah, I can't go over there.
His people will kill me.
You tell him. I'll write down what I want you to say.
All right, but since I have to read this, nothin' too embarrassing.
"You're my pouty-lipped he-slut,
my chocolate-covered man candy."
You know what? I'm gonna just cut to the chase.
Hector's sorry and he wants you back.
He broke my heart, Earl. I could never trust him again.
Tell him it's over, and then kiss him hard for me.
And squeeze his nipples. He likes that.
That's all he said-- it's over? Yep.
But that's no reason to keep fightin'. These things happen.
Sometimes people just can't be together. I can't live without him, Earl.
Well, there's times we all have to live without the people we love.
That-That's what sadness is all about.
Would you want to live in a world without sadness?
Without sadness, we wouldn't know joy or love,
and love is what makes life worth--
Ooh. [ Alarm Buzzes ]
Tell Jamal I'll always love him.
Hector, where you going? We're all lining up for lunch.
Come on. Fish sticks!
[ Earl Narrating ] It turned out Hector would rather die than live without Jamal.
[ Electricity Crackling ]
And seeing that made Jamal realize that he couldn't live without Hector either.
- So he tried to get him off the fence. - [ Cheering ]
Jamal's gang assumed he was just beating a sworn enemy as he was being electrocuted,
which they thought was cool. [ Groans ]
[ Men ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Hector, you crazy fool. I can't go on without you, Jamal.
Then be with me always. We'll find a way. I love you.
And you're the first thing I've ever said that to that I haven't killed.
Yeah! [ Men Cheering ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Grunts ] Oh, my God.
[ Earl Narrating ] With Hector and Jamal back together, I convinced the warden...
to let 'em use his office once a month to work out the gangs' differences,
alone and in private. [ Clattering ]
That sounds like it's gonna be a tough negotiation.
I would not wanna be in the middle of those two.
Nope, 'cause they're definitely fightin' in there. [ Objects Clattering ]
That's-That's what's happening-- Two straight guys fightin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] And with Hector and Jamal able to be together every month,
the gang violence stopped, and I earned another month off my sentence.
Congratulations, Earl.
So what are you gonna do with your five weeks off?
Well, it's almost two years away, so-- Fine. Don't tell me.
We'll just be work friends. I get it.
[ Man ] * Gotta get a message *
* Get it on through *
* Oh, now, mama don't you ask me why * [ Chattering ]
* Whoa, oh, whoa Listen to the music *
* Whoa, whoa Listen to the music *
* Oh, whoa Listen to the music *
* All the time *
[ Earl Narrating ] It felt good to see everyone on the yard finally getting along.
It also felt good to realize that no matter how difficult it may be,
if two people really wanna be together, well, they'll somehow find a way.
Hey, Earl. Hey, Randy.
Randy? I took the guard test and got 55 "percents."
That's the highest score they've had this year.
And my cholesterol tests were off the charts. Huh.
Hey, Earl. Keep walkin', Ron.
* There ain't nothin' we can do or say *
* Feeling good Feeling fine *
* Oh, baby let the music play **