1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,338 You know the kind of guy who confesses to a crime he didn't commit... 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,674 so his ex-wife won't have to go to prison? 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,676 The kind of guy who leaves his brother all alone... 4 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,445 and his friends with nothin' to jump for? 5 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:15,316 Well, that's me. And for the next two years, 6 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:19,620 my name is inmate number 28301-016. 7 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:25,159 I survived my first night in prison, but I was terrified, 8 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:29,097 wondering what the next 729 days had in store. 9 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:33,067 But I was hopin' I'd be okay, since I had my good friend Ralph with me to watch my back. 10 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,103 Hey, Ralph. 11 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,772 Come on. Out of your bunk. Hands off junk. 12 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,511 [ Whimpering ] Oh, my God. 13 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,556 [ Ralph's Voice ] Hey, buddy. If you're readin' this, by now you know I'm long gone. 14 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,758 I had to get out of this godforsaken hellhole. 15 00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:01,662 I would have taken you with me, but I got hungry last night, and I ate the other melon. 16 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,831 Sorry about that. Your buddy, Ralph. 17 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:07,535 P.S. I made a mouth hole in the melon for you, if you get my drift! 18 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,437 Rock and roll! 19 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,375 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Ralph paroled himself... 20 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:18,846 and left me with nothin' but a broken watermelon head and a lot of explaining to do. 21 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,883 Hey! Escape attempt, Cell Block 7. 22 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,186 [ Alarm Blaring ] 23 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,521 Oh, no. No, no, no! No, no, no, no! 24 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:30,424 [ Man On P.A. ] Lockdown. Lockdown. Escape attempt. [ Earl Groaning ] 25 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,563 ** [ Rock ] ** [ Men Vocalizing ] 26 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,434 [ Man ] Move it. 27 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:45,273 ** [ Continues ] 28 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:48,576 [ Earl Narrating ] Since there was a hole in my cell, I was moved to general population. 29 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,712 So I went from sharin' a private cell with my childhood friend... 30 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:55,549 to joinin' a two-year slumber party with murderers and rapists. 31 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:59,187 [ Man ] * I don't have your lovin' anymore * 32 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:03,591 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd been to county lockup plenty of times but never been to prison. 33 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,260 And prison life took some gettin' used to. 34 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:09,930 A typical day in prison can be broken down into several activities. 35 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:14,335 First, you wake up and make sure nothing's happened to your two most important things. 36 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,641 [ Sobbing ] 37 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,480 Next, you head over to the mess hall for breakfast. 38 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,186 Hey. Gonna eat your steak? 39 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,855 [ Earl Narrating ] Then you spend most of your day tryin' not to get too bored. 40 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,457 Seven. No. 41 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,758 Three. No. 42 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,193 Five. No. 43 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,961 - Six. - No. 44 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,796 - Two. - No. 45 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,599 Nine. Nice. 46 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,402 * Well, I want you, baby and that's all * 47 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,904 [ Earl Narrating ] Finally, it's time for bed. 48 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:54,608 And that's the hardest time of all, because then you're alone with just your thoughts. 49 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:58,246 * Hear me crying, baby Hear me crying * [ Man Sobbing ] 50 00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:01,382 [ All Sobbing ] 51 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,997 The only thing that breaks the routine is when one prisoner tries to kill another. 52 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,368 If you're lucky, you're not the victim. 53 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:21,935 [ Alarm Blaring ] [ Man ] Lockdown. 54 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:25,806 Lockdown. 55 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,642 [ Earl Narrating ] But no matter what, you still get punished. 56 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,943 And everyone gets searched. 57 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,349 Thoroughly searched. Gigitty-goo! 58 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,652 Not surprisingly, prison was turning out to be a miserable place. 59 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:42,356 But the one bright spot was visiting day, when I got to see my friends. 60 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,625 Some friends I got to see more of than others. 61 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:48,562 I don't think you realize what you're doin' to these prisoners, comin' in dressed like that. 62 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:51,499 I don't like to change at work. There's a new girl who steals your pants... 63 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:54,302 and then sells them back to you at unreasonable prices. 64 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:59,640 What do you got there, Randy? Oh, I'm not ready yet, Earl. 65 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,543 You go ahead, Darnell. Here you go, Earl. 66 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:06,847 Sometimes incarcerated people like yourself use their time in prison to get closer with God. 67 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,451 Those are some books I found to be helpful on my journey to find religion. 68 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,886 Holy Bible. 69 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,689 The Torah. 70 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,692 Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. 71 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,894 Thanks, Crabman. 72 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,731 Shalom, Earl. So where's Joy? 73 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,834 She's feelin' pretty guilty about you goin' to prison for her. 74 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,637 She didn't want to come empty-handed. [ Joy ] I give up. 75 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,773 I am just not crafty. What's the matter, baby? 76 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,842 This damn glass portrait of Earl. 77 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,445 I just can't make it give off his angelic essence. 78 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,813 I even stoled half this glass from a church window. 79 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:44,017 I like it. It looks exactly like Earl would look if he was made out of glass. 80 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,387 Does it matter if you like it, Darnell? 81 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,323 Were you the shining hero that sacrificed your freedom to save me from a life in prison, 82 00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,425 havin' to pee in front of a short-haired woman named Trudy? 83 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,761 This is not good enough for Earl. I hate it! 84 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,899 I'll get the broom. 85 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:02,403 She'll come visit, once the search for the church window thief dies down. 86 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,438 There's a lot of heat right now. 87 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,940 It could be a while. They were Lutherans. 88 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:10,844 Okay. Everybody quiet. It's my turn. 89 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,615 First question. "Where do we hide the toothpaste?" 90 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,485 Behind the mirror. 91 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,421 The bathroom mirror. It pulls open from the left. 92 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,557 Cool! A secret compartment. 93 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,695 Your visiting time is over. 94 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,930 - Thanks for coming, guys. - What? No. 95 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:33,100 Darnell talked the whole time. I hardly got to ask any of my questions. 96 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,603 Wait. Earl. How do you set the alarm clock? 97 00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,037 And what's our apartment number again? 98 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,907 I miss you. 99 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,877 [ Earl Narrating ] I would've worried more about how Randy was gonna make it on his own, 100 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,046 but I was more worried how I was gonna survive. 101 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,818 When you're the new guy in prison, everyone sizes you up, 102 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,953 and they test you daily. 103 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:59,793 One thing I do know is you can't let people think you're a punk. 104 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:02,530 And I'd always heard the best way to earn respect in prison... 105 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,466 is to walk up to the biggest guy and punch him as hard as you can. 106 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,404 [ Man ] * I got the pedal to the floor 107 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,506 * My life is runnin' faster 108 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,075 * I'm out of money out of hope * 109 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,177 * It looks like self-destruction ** 110 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,414 [ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, the closer I got, the bigger he seemed, 111 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:23,116 - and I lost my nerve. - Hello. 112 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:27,821 The problem is, gangs in prison are divided up like my dad's sock drawer: by color. 113 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,424 I was too white to join the Latino gang, 114 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:33,461 the Asian gang or the black gang, 115 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,996 and not white enough to join the albino gang. 116 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,966 I'm tellin' you, man. We gotta take back the shady part of the yard. 117 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,569 [ Earl Narrating ] So I went with the only gang that might take me: 118 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,937 the white supremacists. 119 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:47,808 Which meant unlearnin' what every Afterschool Special had taught me: "Don't be yourself." 120 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:51,144 Hey. Who else thinks the Civil War ain't over, it's just halftime? 121 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,848 All right. 122 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,651 I'm just sayin' I don't see why I have to shave my head. 123 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,953 Hate's in your heart, not in your hair. 124 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,994 Forget it. I'm out. 125 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:10,498 Geez, you'd think the superior race wouldn't be so threatened by new ideas. 126 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:14,167 [ Earl Narrating ] I had just about given up hope of findin' a gang to join... 127 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:17,070 when finally I saw a crowd I thought I could hang with. 128 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,072 The old-timers. 129 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,875 The one group that had obviously figured out how to survive in prison. 130 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:25,479 Come on. You can't put me all in. You only got one cashew. 131 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,515 Hey, guys. Got room for one more? 132 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,817 Sure thing, young man. Take a seat. 133 00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:34,922 [ Sighs ] I'm Charlie. This is Whiskey Pete, 134 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,492 Philadelphia Mike, John and Skinny John... 135 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,060 and Old Dirty Neck. 136 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,699 [ Chuckles ] That sure is one dirty neck. 137 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,535 I'm Skinny John, you jackass. 138 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,573 [ Earl Narrating ] They may not have been the toughest gang, 139 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:55,909 but they were a gang, and they had obviously figured out how to survive in prison, 140 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,945 and that made me feel safer. 141 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,848 Greta Garbo, Judy Garland and Mae West. 142 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,917 That's easy. I'd take Greta Garbo for a milk shake, 143 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,019 Mae West to the drive-in, and I'd kill Judy Garland. 144 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,289 Who would you take to the drive-in, Earl? 145 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,725 No, that's okay. You guys play. 146 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:14,595 What's the matter? Don't you like broads? No, I love broads. 147 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,598 What, then? You don't like talkin' about killin' broads? 148 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:21,569 I don't know. It just seems kind of creepy, 'cause all those broads are dead. 149 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,837 - What? - Oh, my God! Was there a plane crash or somethin'? 150 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,508 How long have you guys been in here? 151 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,045 [ Earl Narrating ] And then I realized the reason... 152 00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:36,617 these guys let me in their gang wasn't for my survival-- it was for theirs. 153 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,019 You're not takin' our nuts anymore, you big palooka! 154 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,854 We got us some young blood now! 155 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,858 Get him, Earl! 156 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,065 [ Groans ] 157 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,138 Pistachio? 158 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:08,782 You like it? I used up all my felt. 159 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:11,719 It's amazing. These are all scenes from my life? 160 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,154 Yeah. It's like a straight version of one of those AIDS quilts. 161 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,224 Thank you, Joy. I won't forget this. 162 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,860 [ Chuckles ] That's when I got chicken pox. And you were... 163 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,663 off bangin' Darnell. 164 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,132 Well, I was tryin' to be accurate. 165 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,968 Thanks. 166 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:31,204 You hate it. I knew you'd hate it. 167 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,774 Joy, I don't hate it. I said it was nice. 168 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:37,778 No, I see how it is. I mean, you like me feeling guilty. 169 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:40,748 No matter how many of the kids' winter coats I cut up for you, 170 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,917 we'll never be even, because you like holdin' this over my head, don't you? 171 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,887 Well, bravo, you son of a bitch! 172 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,023 - Bravo! - Do I have time for a question right now? 173 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,159 Wait your damn turn, you stupid yeti. By the way, 174 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:56,029 would you tell your brother to stop callin' every 20 minutes, askin' what time it is? 175 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:59,767 - Dumb-ass already lost his job. - That's 'cause no one will show me how to set this thing. 176 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,302 - I'm not a scientist. - Okay, Randy, 177 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:04,204 what's your question? 178 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,874 [ Clears Throat ] 179 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,309 "Can I borrow money for the vending machine?" 180 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,645 You're the one with access to the bank account. 181 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,682 The bank closes at 5:00. My clock always says it's 12:00 a.m. 182 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,850 You want some change? 183 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,686 - Go fetch. - [ Coins Clink ] 184 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,757 I swear, that boy's not gonna survive without you. 185 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,827 He keeps carrying around one of your old shirts 'cause he misses your smell. 186 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,232 Yeah, he seems to be havin' a little trouble lettin' go. 187 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:37,170 Hey, Earl. Hey, Randy. 188 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,340 How'd you sleep last night? It was scary out here. I saw a possum. 189 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,812 Wait a second. If you want things to be even with us, 190 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,081 how about you let Randy move in with you, keep an eye on him for me? 191 00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:51,952 Oh, hell, no. On the way over here, he got his hand stuck in the tape deck. 192 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:55,422 I can't put up with that crap. Come on, Joy. You said you wanted to even the score. 193 00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,257 I mean, this could really help. 194 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,131 All right. I'll do it. 195 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,900 Joy, can you throw more money on the floor? 196 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,869 I want to get myself an ice cold drink. 197 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,445 You know what? This might be fun. 198 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:21,915 [ Earl Narrating ] Now that I knew Randy would be looked out for, 199 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:25,185 I could get back to figuring out how to look out for myself. 200 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:27,821 [ Groans ] 201 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,023 Sonny? 202 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:34,327 Sonny was a guy I used to play a game called Beer Can Tag with back in the day. 203 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,396 I got you, Earl. You're it. You're it! 204 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,866 Ain't no use runnin', fool. I know where your mama parks your house! 205 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,737 [ Earl Narrating ] After that, Sonny just disappeared. 206 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:46,139 Well, everybody's always askin' what happened to you. 207 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:49,409 Oh, yeah? I mean, for the first couple weeks anyway. 208 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,846 Then, you know, life goes on. Yeah. 209 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,249 Can't believe you got two years in prison for hittin' a cop with an empty beer can. 210 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,286 [ Chuckles ] Yeah, well, I also kind of wrestled the cop's gun away, 211 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:03,023 and then, you know, drove around with him in the trunk of his own car for a few hours. 212 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,092 [ Chuckles ] It was a crazy day. 213 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,394 How come this is the first time I've seen you? 214 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:11,364 Because this is the first time I wanted you to see me. 215 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,267 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Sonny figured out another way to survive in prison: 216 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,503 be invisible. 217 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,039 And he agreed to teach me how to do it. 218 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:22,509 I learned things like two fat guys sittin' on a bench didn't have to be scary. 219 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:25,512 They could also be a nice shady place to hide and play cards. 220 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:29,549 [ Man ] * Pretty soon I'll be scratching fleas * 221 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,019 * Move it on over 222 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:35,856 * Slide it on over 223 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:40,260 * Move over, nice dog A mean ol' dog is movin' in * 224 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,330 And if you didn't mind scorching hot water and wrinkled feet, 225 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,933 you could hide out in the showers practically all day. 226 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:49,502 * Move it on over 227 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:53,006 And if you can deal with not chewin' your food and a little indigestion, 228 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,209 you don't have to spit on your lunch so no one will take it from you. 229 00:12:56,243 --> 00:13:00,213 * Move over, cool dog A hot dog's movin' in ** 230 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:08,455 No, no, no, no, no. You press the set time button to set the time, 231 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:11,859 and you press the set alarm button to set the alarm. 232 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,562 Oh. Set the time to set the time. 233 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:18,031 Set the alarm to set the alarm. 234 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,933 Why didn't you tell me it rhymes? 235 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,435 There you go. You have a good night. 236 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,604 And if you need anything, we'll be right back there. 237 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:28,108 If possible, could you try not to need anything for the next 20 minutes or so? 238 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,978 We're gonna go... balance the checkbook. 239 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,882 No, wait. Look. 240 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:38,085 Earl usually talks to me till I fall asleep. 241 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:41,588 The checkbook. I've got to transfer some funds, baby. 242 00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:45,125 I'll be right in. You go sharpen your pencil. 243 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,294 You know we're not really balancing the checkbook, right? 244 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:53,100 Okay, you got three minutes, or else he finishes without me. 245 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,302 - What do you want to talk about? - Time travel. 246 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,405 - No. Horses. - All right. Horses. 247 00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,340 No, no, no, no. Sea horses. 248 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:03,276 Sea horses in space. 249 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:06,113 Travel-- No, time travel. 250 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,918 So you got a girl waitin' for you on the outside? 251 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,053 Well, I was startin' to see this deaf lawyer lady, 252 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,489 but once I got into prison, we decided to start seein' other people. 253 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,625 That's kind of a better deal for her. 254 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,594 Yeah, I figured that out, but it was after I'd already agreed. Oh. 255 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,364 Sorry, man. 256 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,200 No problem. You're new here, right? 257 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,069 Want a candy bar? Really? 258 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,504 - Thanks. - No! Walk away. 259 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,907 [ Mouths Word ] [ Whispers ] Walk away. 260 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:37,210 What part of "stay invisible" don't you understand? 261 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,646 It was just a candy bar. Just a candy bar? 262 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,615 Wake up, man. You almost fell for the oldest prison scam there is. 263 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:46,219 He wants you to owe him something. Today he "gives you" a Snickers bar, 264 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,521 and tomorrow he's gonna expect a Zagnut bar. 265 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,224 Do you know where to get a Zagnut bar, Earl? No. 266 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:54,527 Damn. 'Cause I owe a guy one. I don't even know if they make 'em anymore. 267 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:59,166 See, some guy gave me a candy bar once-- a real maniac-- and now I owe him a favor. 268 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,668 In prison, a favor can get you killed. 269 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:05,238 So, trust me. Do not owe anybody anything, and stay invisible. 270 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,074 You might make it out of here in one piece. 271 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:12,312 Oh, crap. 272 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,381 What's wrong? That's Glen Shipley. I know him. 273 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,384 [ Earl Narrating ] When I knew Glen, he was a Camden Scout. 274 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:21,288 Even though you only had to wear your uniform if you were goin' to a Scout meeting, 275 00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,390 Glen was so proud, he wore it every day. 276 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,960 You see, the regular Scouts left Camden County years before... 277 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:31,231 when a local militia group got caught usin' the Scouts to round up illegal aliens. 278 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,266 [ Chattering ] 279 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,402 ** [ Punk Rock ] 280 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,971 [ Men ] * Hey, ho 281 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:40,373 [ Earl Narrating ] So in Camden we had Camden Scouts. 282 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:44,611 And back when I was an amateur criminal, I often used them as unknowing accomplices. 283 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:47,114 So what happened was I lost my keys, 284 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:50,283 and I need to get in there, so I can get my TV and VCR... 285 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,620 and anything else expensive I happen to see. 286 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:57,424 If I boost you up through the window, will you climb in and open the door for me? 287 00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,560 Well, the Camden Scout motto is Always Be Helpful. 288 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,297 * Hey, ho 289 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,666 * Let's go [ Crashes ] 290 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:10,303 [ Dogs Barking ] Oh, God! Oh, God! It's got my neckerchief! 291 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,705 * Hey, ho Let's go * [ Screaming ] 292 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,110 Wow. Seems like that guy should be on your list. 293 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,446 He is. I think he's number one hundred and somethin'. 294 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:23,216 - Do you think he still remembers you? - I don't plan to find out. 295 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,785 [ Earl Narrating ] I'd never turned my back on someone on my list before. 296 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,155 It just wasn't like me. 297 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,690 But I realized that if I was gonna survive in prison, 298 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:34,194 I wasn't gonna be able to be like myself. 299 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,197 Our fat guys are on the move. Get ready to hitch a ride. 300 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,432 Sonny? 301 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,002 I see you, Earl Hickey! 302 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,775 [ Shouts ] 303 00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:54,047 - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Man ] Lockdown. 304 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,449 Lockdown. 305 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:59,352 Hands where I can see 'em. I'm comin' for you, Earl! 306 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,455 I'm gonna rip off your ears and shove 'em up your butt... 307 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,325 just so you can hear me kickin' your ass! 308 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,661 [ Earl Narrating ] In prison, when they want you to cool off, 309 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,131 they put you in somethin' called the hotbox. 310 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,233 Which doesn't make much sense, but... 311 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,768 neither does puttin' a bunch of violent criminals together... 312 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,838 and expectin' them not to break the rules. Where are you, Earl Hickey? 313 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,673 I'm gonna find you! 314 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,643 I'm gonna track you down and wear your pelt! 315 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,615 I see you! 316 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,750 You're hidin' behind the fat guy. 317 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,321 Now you're hidin' behind the skinny guy. 318 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,123 That doesn't even make sense. 319 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:45,232 [ Earl Narrating ] Sonny had ratted me out, and I wanted to know why. 320 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,470 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 321 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:53,606 Remember I told you I had owed some guy a Zagnut bar? 322 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,176 Well, Glen is the guy. I should kick your ass! 323 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,377 Shh! 324 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,812 Look. You're makin' a scene. 325 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,115 Invisible. Invisible. Invisible. 326 00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:04,417 Invisible? You blew that for me. 327 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,419 Now Glen can see me clear as day. 328 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,854 Yeah, but I'm still invisible. 329 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:11,524 Come on. Please. 330 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:17,264 Okay. 331 00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:20,700 Okay, look. I'm tryin' to stay calm with this here. 332 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,803 What are we gonna do about this? 333 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,574 Sonny? 334 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,709 Sonny? Son of a bitch! 335 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,653 - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Man ] Lockdown. 336 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,889 [ Earl Narrating ] All I would've had to do was stay away from Glen. 337 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,329 But as it turned out, karma had a different plan. 338 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,598 - You're a dead man, Earl Hickey! - Holy Moses! 339 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,805 I'm gonna kill you, Earl! I'm gonna rip off your face and wear it to the Ugly Ball! 340 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:02,675 That's scary and hurtful, Glen. You're a dead man. 341 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,879 [ Earl Narrating ] My Uncle Roger once had a pet pig. Mostly it was an okay animal, 342 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:10,450 but when it got mad, you just had to stand back and let it squeal itself out. 343 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,652 So I decided to handle Glen the same way. 344 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,222 I'm gonna wear you like a puppet on my fist, 345 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:18,525 and then get in a punch fight with a man made of razor blades! 346 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,461 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to keep from gettin' killed by Glen, 347 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,331 Joy was tryin' to keep Randy from gettin' killed by Randy. 348 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,966 Whoa! Whoa! What the hell are you doin'? [ Horn Honks ] 349 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:30,637 Oh, my God. You almost walked out in front of that truck. 350 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,606 Oh, I don't look where I'm goin'. It's kind of my thing. 351 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,410 But just let me know if I'm about to walk into somethin', like Earl does. 352 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,946 [ Earl Narrating ] Although she was discovering that Randy took... 353 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,315 a lot more taking care of than she expected. 354 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,817 It's so beautiful. 355 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,320 Randy! That thing zaps bugs. 356 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,522 What do you think it's gonna do to your finger? 357 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,458 Yeah, you're right. 358 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,727 Randy! 359 00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,397 For the love of God, pick something. 360 00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,633 I'm sorry. I usually just order what Earl gets. 361 00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,669 [ Darnell ] Well, Randy, I talked to the prison, 362 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:06,273 and they said Earl was having duck à l'orange and caviar pie. 363 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,742 I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway, so it doesn't matter. 364 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,813 We may not know what Earl would order, 365 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:17,617 but we could find out what Little Earl would order. 366 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,786 Stop it. He is gettin' way too dependent on that thing. 367 00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,888 Grilled cheese looks pretty good, Randy. 368 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,724 [ Earl Narrating ] And after two days, the only thing keepin' Joy from killin' Randy... 369 00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:26,693 was the promise she made to me. 370 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:31,264 All right. Fine. I'll warn you if you're about to walk into somethin'. 371 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:32,965 Don't walk. 372 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,872 Okay, walk. Go. 373 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,742 Go. Go! 374 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,677 Go, go, go! 375 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,315 I feel like I'm playing Frogger. 376 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:51,351 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Glen had a little bit more stamina than Uncle Roger's pig. 377 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:52,752 Probably 'cause Glen didn't smoke. 378 00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,721 I'm gonna yank out your skeleton, 379 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,489 like a cartoon bear eatin' a fish, 380 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:59,592 and use it to beat your soul! 381 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,061 I'm gonna stick a broom down your throat, 382 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,064 flip you upside down, take you to the barber, sweep up all the dirty hair. 383 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,701 I'm gonna rip off your skin, wear it like a tracksuit, 384 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:12,672 and then I'm gonna roll around in broken glass, and then put you back in it! 385 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:15,642 I'm gonna rip off your hands, put 'em where your feet go, 386 00:21:15,675 --> 00:21:18,778 rip off your feet, put 'em where your hands go, 387 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:21,781 and I'm gonna point at you, and I'm gonna laugh. 388 00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:25,352 [ Earl Narrating ] But eventually, even tar-free lungs wear themselves out. 389 00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:27,754 I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar. 390 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,423 I don't know. 391 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,925 Mail it to the pope. 392 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:36,629 With a salmon. 393 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,601 Glen, 394 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:45,738 first I'd like to say that I'm impressed with the creative ways you thought of killin' me. 395 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:50,843 The one with my heart as a cue ball and apes playin' pool-- scary. 396 00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:53,780 But are you sure you got the right guy? 397 00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:58,017 I mean, I vaguely remember hearin' about you fallin' in a window, 398 00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:02,855 and maybe-- I don't know-- somethin' about a dog or somethin'. 399 00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:05,958 "Somethin' about a dog"? 400 00:22:05,992 --> 00:22:08,595 There were two of 'em, attacking me. 401 00:22:08,628 --> 00:22:11,431 They fought over my body! 402 00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:14,033 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I found out the dog attack was just the beginning. 403 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,403 [ Screaming ] 404 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:19,506 [ Earl Narrating ] Glen was arrested for breaking and entering, 405 00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:21,340 burglary and vandalism. 406 00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,878 [ Dog Barking ] And when the police dog broke a tooth on his shinbone, 407 00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:29,382 he was also charged with assaulting an officer. 408 00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:32,585 That stupid judge sent me to Juvie for six months. 409 00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:35,388 Got in a fight, got more time, got in another fight, slimed a guard, 410 00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:37,957 tried to escape, got out, 411 00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:41,628 stole something, went back in, got out, 412 00:22:41,661 --> 00:22:43,730 robbed a mini-mall, threw rocks at the mayor. 413 00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:46,633 Hell, if I think about it, Earl, everything I did was your fault. 414 00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,938 Well, I don't know if you can really blame me for everything. 415 00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:54,607 - I mean, personal choice seems to have-- - Son of a bitch! 416 00:22:54,641 --> 00:22:57,677 I will twist your yam sack like a balloon animal! 417 00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,012 Okay, okay! You know, on second thought, 418 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:02,715 I can see how you could connect the dots like that. 419 00:23:02,749 --> 00:23:05,652 Look. How about I do somethin' to make us even? 420 00:23:05,685 --> 00:23:08,120 Like, uh, 421 00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:11,057 I hear you like candy bars. 422 00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:14,594 I got some people on the outside who could track down a-- a Zagnut. 423 00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:19,599 Make me a shiv. A shiv? Like a knife? 424 00:23:19,632 --> 00:23:24,571 Or like an ice pick. Or an ax. Or a cheese slicer. Surprise me. 425 00:23:24,604 --> 00:23:26,539 [ Earl Narrating ] Generally I tried not to break rules... 426 00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:28,641 in order to cross things off my list. 427 00:23:28,675 --> 00:23:31,611 But I wasn't as worried about my list as I was about surviving. 428 00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:33,480 And besides, I wasn't me anymore. 429 00:23:33,513 --> 00:23:36,649 I was prisoner number 28301-016. 430 00:23:36,683 --> 00:23:38,851 Okay, a shiv it is. 431 00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:42,622 [ Randy ] Hey, Joy? 432 00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:46,125 Joy. Joy. Joy. 433 00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:49,161 Joy. Joy. Joy. 434 00:23:49,195 --> 00:23:51,864 What, Randy? 435 00:23:51,898 --> 00:23:54,834 Do you know if that TV show Riptide is gonna be on tonight? 436 00:23:54,867 --> 00:23:58,104 I swear to God, Darnell. I can't keep livin' like this. 437 00:23:58,137 --> 00:24:00,973 That show hasn't been on for 20 years. 438 00:24:01,007 --> 00:24:04,010 Oh. Then what's the show I'm thinkin' of? 439 00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:06,145 You know, the one with the monkey. 440 00:24:06,178 --> 00:24:09,048 - I think he means B.J. and the Bear. - Don't you dare tell him that. 441 00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:12,685 Once he knows, he'll start tellin' us about every episode. 442 00:24:12,719 --> 00:24:16,756 Oh, wait. I think it's B.J. and the Bear. Damn it. 443 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:19,959 Remember the one where they were drivin' that semi together? 444 00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:23,996 [ Sighs ] Okay. That's it. This ends now. 445 00:24:26,065 --> 00:24:28,000 Push. 446 00:24:30,236 --> 00:24:33,172 Joy, why would B.J. name his monkey Bear? 447 00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:36,776 Because B.J. was a huge Alabama fan, and he named him after the legendary coach Bear Bryant. 448 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,011 You happy? Now listen. We gotta talk. 449 00:24:39,045 --> 00:24:41,848 As you know, I promised Earl I would take care of you-- 450 00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:44,216 - And I really appreciate it, Joy. - Not done yet. 451 00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:46,819 But after the last few days, I've realized something. 452 00:24:46,853 --> 00:24:48,921 You're not just dumb. You're broken. 453 00:24:48,955 --> 00:24:52,024 Like a daddy longlegs after the kids pull his legs off. 454 00:24:52,058 --> 00:24:55,294 It's just a little vibratin' ball that can't do nothin' for itself. That's you. 455 00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:57,630 I'm a spider ball? 456 00:24:57,664 --> 00:25:00,700 Yeah. And you're a burden to your brother. I could babysit you for two years, 457 00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:03,135 but when Earl gets out of prison, you wouldn't be any better. 458 00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:05,672 And you don't want to be albacore around your brother's neck, do you? 459 00:25:05,705 --> 00:25:07,807 No. 460 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,876 Is this because I peed on the kids? 461 00:25:09,909 --> 00:25:12,244 It was the middle of the night. I took a wrong turn. 462 00:25:12,278 --> 00:25:14,681 It's because of a lot of things, Randy. Like... 463 00:25:14,714 --> 00:25:18,551 that dumb look you got on your face all the time. 464 00:25:18,585 --> 00:25:21,053 Or the fact that... 465 00:25:21,087 --> 00:25:23,556 you think there's a left sock and a right sock. 466 00:25:23,590 --> 00:25:26,292 But don't you worry. 467 00:25:26,325 --> 00:25:28,294 We're gonna work everything out, startin' with this late-night talkin'. 468 00:25:32,799 --> 00:25:35,534 Oh, you can't breathe because of your deviated septum, can you? 469 00:25:44,310 --> 00:25:47,313 I saw that on MASH. Night. 470 00:25:51,751 --> 00:25:54,621 [ Randy Panting ] 471 00:26:00,092 --> 00:26:03,896 [ Earl Narrating ] Since it was my first time in the cage, I got out before Glen, 472 00:26:03,930 --> 00:26:07,900 who, from what I heard, seemed to spend more time in there than his cell. 473 00:26:07,934 --> 00:26:10,703 To survive in prison, I needed to stay invisible. 474 00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:13,673 But I also needed to get Glen a shiv. 475 00:26:13,706 --> 00:26:15,942 I was familiar with the different types of shivs. 476 00:26:15,975 --> 00:26:20,112 There was the sharpened toothbrush, the razor comb. 477 00:26:20,146 --> 00:26:23,683 There was the Tighty-Whitey-Mighty-Fighty somehow made out of underwear. 478 00:26:23,716 --> 00:26:26,185 There was even one made out of soap. 479 00:26:26,218 --> 00:26:29,121 But the one made out of soap had its downside. 480 00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:38,698 I decided I was gonna make Glen's with an arm from a pair of glasses. 481 00:26:38,731 --> 00:26:41,267 - I was gonna call it the Peeper Reaper. - How about you? 482 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,369 Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian? 483 00:26:45,304 --> 00:26:47,674 Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian. 484 00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:51,343 Unless he was Cherokee. 485 00:26:51,377 --> 00:26:54,613 A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning. 486 00:26:55,715 --> 00:26:57,850 Oops. 487 00:26:57,884 --> 00:26:59,919 [ Earl Narrating ] I was relieved... 488 00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:02,154 when a couple days later Glen got out of the hotbox. 489 00:27:02,188 --> 00:27:04,290 Mostly 'cause I wanted him out of my life. 490 00:27:04,323 --> 00:27:07,159 But also because when you hide a shiv in your pants for two days, 491 00:27:07,193 --> 00:27:09,228 you can't help but have a few mishaps. You got it? 492 00:27:15,401 --> 00:27:19,338 Nice. Thanks. I made it out of a pair of glasses. 493 00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:21,173 Sharpened it on the asphalt. 494 00:27:21,207 --> 00:27:23,743 Then I wrapped one of my socks around it for a handle. 495 00:27:23,776 --> 00:27:26,145 You could stab all day and not get a blister. 496 00:27:26,178 --> 00:27:30,216 [ Earl Narrating ] I hoped karma would understand I had no choice but to give Glen that shiv. 497 00:27:30,249 --> 00:27:32,819 [ Screams ] 498 00:27:32,852 --> 00:27:34,787 [ Alarm Blaring ] [ Man On P.A. ] Lockdown. Lockdown. 499 00:27:34,821 --> 00:27:36,388 Mother! [ Earl Narrating ] She didn't. 500 00:27:38,858 --> 00:27:41,427 After Glen stabbed me, I realized two things. 501 00:27:41,460 --> 00:27:47,399 Until I did my list item right, karma wasn't gonna let me be invisible. 502 00:27:47,433 --> 00:27:50,803 - And prison health care sucks. - Okay. You're done. 503 00:27:50,837 --> 00:27:54,841 There may be some shiv left in the bone, so if your arm turns black, tell a guard. 504 00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:57,176 That was quite a shiv. Thank you. 505 00:28:01,213 --> 00:28:03,482 Wow. That Glen's got the worst luck. 506 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,885 Excuse me? 507 00:28:05,918 --> 00:28:09,088 Every year, when he's up for parole, somebody pisses him off, 508 00:28:09,121 --> 00:28:11,357 and he breaks one of the big seven. The big seven? 509 00:28:11,390 --> 00:28:13,860 Things that keep you from getting out. 510 00:28:13,893 --> 00:28:15,895 You know, stabbing, burning, biting, strangling, 511 00:28:15,928 --> 00:28:19,899 eye-gouging, scalping and taking a poop in the urinal. 512 00:28:19,932 --> 00:28:24,904 Wait. So he messes up right before parole every time? 513 00:28:24,937 --> 00:28:28,074 - Why would he do that? - You know what I figured out about prison? 514 00:28:28,107 --> 00:28:31,043 There are a lot of guys in here without clearly thought-out plans. 515 00:28:31,077 --> 00:28:33,112 [ Earl Narrating ] Glen didn't want to get out of prison, 516 00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:36,115 and I wanted to know why. 517 00:28:36,148 --> 00:28:39,986 And finally, after hours of wandering, my fat guy walked by the hotbox so I could ask. 518 00:28:40,019 --> 00:28:42,021 Hey, Glen. You got a minute? 519 00:28:42,054 --> 00:28:44,056 [ Groans ] What the hell do you want? 520 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:46,125 Look. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, Glen. 521 00:28:46,158 --> 00:28:49,195 I think you've been blowin' your parole on purpose, and I want to know why. 522 00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,464 [ Groaning ] 523 00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:56,368 [ Man ] * Pleased to meet you 524 00:28:56,402 --> 00:28:58,805 * Hope you guess my name 525 00:28:58,838 --> 00:29:01,173 Look. Just hear me out before you kill me. 526 00:29:01,207 --> 00:29:03,442 [ Earl Narrating ] So I took the plunge and did... 527 00:29:03,475 --> 00:29:05,912 what I should've done the first time I saw Glen. 528 00:29:05,945 --> 00:29:10,416 I told him all about my list and how he was on it. And how if I was gonna be right with karma, 529 00:29:10,449 --> 00:29:13,452 I had to do somethin' better than a shiv to make it up to him. 530 00:29:13,485 --> 00:29:16,288 You really got a list of bad things you make up for? 531 00:29:16,322 --> 00:29:20,026 Yeah. I even helped a whole town of circus freaks. 532 00:29:20,059 --> 00:29:22,461 Damn it. Not supposed to call 'em freaks. 533 00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:24,363 Irregular Americans. 534 00:29:28,067 --> 00:29:30,369 Well, I don't give a sand-covered cat's crap if you know. 535 00:29:30,402 --> 00:29:32,304 Yeah, I'm blowin' parole. 536 00:29:32,338 --> 00:29:33,940 Why? 537 00:29:33,973 --> 00:29:37,209 'Cause life on the outside ain't no good for me no more. 538 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,850 [ Earl Narrating ] Glen told me how, when he first got into Juvie, 539 00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:46,819 he was so worried about surviving, he changed the way he was... 540 00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:50,022 and did things to make himself look as tough as he could. 541 00:29:50,056 --> 00:29:52,591 Like gettin' tattoos before he even knew what cusswords were. 542 00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:54,827 * But what's confusing you 543 00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:56,996 * Is just the nature of 544 00:29:57,029 --> 00:30:00,432 And after years of changing himself, he was so believable as a badass, 545 00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:02,501 it's how people on the outside saw him too. 546 00:30:02,534 --> 00:30:06,038 * Just as every cop is a criminal * 547 00:30:06,072 --> 00:30:08,340 - Can I help you? - * And all the sinners saints 548 00:30:08,374 --> 00:30:12,011 - I'm lookin' for a job. - Please don't hurt me. I don't want to die. 549 00:30:12,044 --> 00:30:14,613 My PIN number's 8432. 550 00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,449 * 'Cause I'm in need of some restraint * 551 00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:20,219 * So if you meet me 552 00:30:20,252 --> 00:30:22,288 [ Earl Narrating ] Even when he was doin' somethin' good, 553 00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:26,158 like goin' back to the liquor store to tell 'em how they'd given him too much change, 554 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:28,427 people still judged him on how he looked. 555 00:30:28,460 --> 00:30:31,263 * All your well-learned politesse * 556 00:30:31,297 --> 00:30:34,934 * Or I'll lay your soul to waste * 557 00:30:34,967 --> 00:30:37,970 [ Earl Narrating ] It didn't take long before a badass criminal... 558 00:30:38,004 --> 00:30:39,605 was the only way Glen saw himself. 559 00:30:39,638 --> 00:30:41,840 So that's how he acted. 560 00:30:45,044 --> 00:30:47,246 * But what's puzzling you 561 00:30:47,279 --> 00:30:49,949 * Is the nature of my game * 562 00:30:49,982 --> 00:30:54,386 Every time he got out, he'd take one look at himself and do the same thing. 563 00:30:54,420 --> 00:30:57,023 Again and again and again. 564 00:30:57,056 --> 00:31:00,927 Until he decided to stop wasting everyone's time and just stay in prison. 565 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,029 My God, Glen. I-- I feel terrible. 566 00:31:03,062 --> 00:31:05,231 All this stuff is my fault. 567 00:31:05,264 --> 00:31:08,968 It's my fault you got locked up, and it's my fault you're afraid to get out. 568 00:31:09,001 --> 00:31:11,170 I'm afraid of no man! [ Echoes ] 569 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:14,340 [ Stammers ] Afraid to get out. I said afraid to get out. 570 00:31:14,373 --> 00:31:17,543 Oh, yeah. Well, that's true. 571 00:31:17,576 --> 00:31:21,380 [ Earl Narrating ] The next day, Glen got out of the box, and I had a chance to tell him... 572 00:31:21,413 --> 00:31:24,250 I wanted to do somethin' to help him live on the outside again. 573 00:31:24,283 --> 00:31:27,619 I want to do somethin' to help you live on the outside again. That'd be cool. 574 00:31:27,653 --> 00:31:31,623 Somethin' big. I mean, I practically took your life. 575 00:31:31,657 --> 00:31:35,061 I always wanted to go to Mars. 576 00:31:35,094 --> 00:31:37,596 Smaller. Somethin' smaller. 577 00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:39,932 I'm out of stamps. 578 00:31:39,966 --> 00:31:42,168 Okay, somethin' between stamps and Mars. 579 00:31:42,201 --> 00:31:44,303 Somethin' important to you. 580 00:31:44,336 --> 00:31:46,939 Maybe, uh, somethin' you cared about before you became a criminal. 581 00:31:46,973 --> 00:31:49,041 I know. 582 00:31:49,075 --> 00:31:50,676 My Camden Scout badges. 583 00:31:50,709 --> 00:31:53,012 Camden Scout badges? How's that gonna help you? 584 00:31:53,045 --> 00:31:55,314 If I hadn't gone to Juvie, 585 00:31:55,347 --> 00:31:59,251 I would've been the first kid in Camden to get a-- an honor sash. 586 00:31:59,285 --> 00:32:01,320 I was only two badges away. 587 00:32:01,353 --> 00:32:04,090 God, I miss bein' a Camden Scout. 588 00:32:04,123 --> 00:32:07,126 My neckerchief fluttering in the morning breeze. 589 00:32:07,159 --> 00:32:10,396 Sneakin' upstairs during meetings to smell the scoutmaster's daughter's shoes. 590 00:32:11,998 --> 00:32:14,400 And the knots, Earl. 591 00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:16,602 The knots I could tie. 592 00:32:16,635 --> 00:32:21,140 [ Earl Narrating ] It was the second time Glen asked me to do somethin' for him. 593 00:32:21,173 --> 00:32:25,344 But from the look in his eyes, I knew it was the first time I was gonna do it right. 594 00:32:25,377 --> 00:32:27,646 All right. I'm in. Where do we start? 595 00:32:27,679 --> 00:32:30,382 I need my archaeology badge. 596 00:32:31,583 --> 00:32:33,719 We could dig in the west yard. 597 00:32:33,752 --> 00:32:36,355 We'd just have to talk to those guys over there. They control it. 598 00:32:36,388 --> 00:32:38,357 [ Earl ] The albinos? 599 00:32:38,390 --> 00:32:41,127 And I need my natural science badge. 600 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,662 That's bug collecting. That should be pretty easy. The barracks are-- 601 00:32:43,695 --> 00:32:45,998 Most of 'em are infested. 602 00:32:46,032 --> 00:32:48,300 You just gotta make deals with the gangs that control 'em. 603 00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:51,370 [ Earl Narrating ] Lookin' around that yard, I knew I was in trouble. 604 00:32:51,403 --> 00:32:53,772 Not only was I gonna lose my last bit of invisibility, 605 00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:58,444 I was gonna have to make deals with the most dangerous people in the place. 606 00:32:58,477 --> 00:33:02,081 If karma was plannin' on killin' me, I was hopin' she'd do it quick. 607 00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:10,189 [ Earl Narrating ] I was about to go against everything Sonny had taught me. 608 00:33:10,222 --> 00:33:13,025 Owin' favors would make you the most visible you could become. 609 00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:15,361 And I was about to owe a lot of 'em. Excuse me. 610 00:33:15,394 --> 00:33:17,463 What do you want, Hawaiian Tropics? 611 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:21,233 Um, I'm helpin' a guy get his archaeology badge for Camden Scouts. 612 00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:23,402 Nerd. Yeah. 613 00:33:23,435 --> 00:33:25,404 Anyway, uh, we need someplace to dig, 614 00:33:25,437 --> 00:33:27,606 and I hear this is the best spot, 615 00:33:27,639 --> 00:33:32,144 so I guess what I'm saying is... I need a favor. 616 00:33:32,178 --> 00:33:36,348 Okay. We want umbrellas. Eight of 'em. 617 00:33:36,382 --> 00:33:39,485 Okay. 618 00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:42,254 [ Earl Narrating ] While I was puttin' my faith in karma to keep me safe, 619 00:33:42,288 --> 00:33:45,457 Joy was puttin' her faith in a different power: tough love. 620 00:33:45,491 --> 00:33:48,527 Gotta learn to think on his own. Make his own choices. 621 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:51,163 [ Men ] * You, who are on your own 622 00:33:51,197 --> 00:33:53,132 [ Electricity Crackles ] [ Randy Whimpers ] 623 00:33:53,165 --> 00:33:56,202 * Must have a code 624 00:33:56,235 --> 00:33:59,271 * That you can live by Tough love, Darnell. Tough love. 625 00:33:59,305 --> 00:34:01,540 * And so 626 00:34:01,573 --> 00:34:06,078 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy had a lot of faults, but she did have a natural gift for teaching. 627 00:34:06,112 --> 00:34:10,316 * Because the past is just a good-bye * 628 00:34:10,349 --> 00:34:14,120 And while Randy may have been a slow learner, Joy kept after him, 629 00:34:14,153 --> 00:34:16,255 teaching him things he should've learned a long time ago, 630 00:34:16,288 --> 00:34:18,590 like clothes you find in the gutter might be free, 631 00:34:18,624 --> 00:34:20,659 but, well, they're probably not disease-free. 632 00:34:24,163 --> 00:34:26,665 Or how to make his brain and his belly communicate better. 633 00:34:26,698 --> 00:34:28,700 I'll have the chicken. 634 00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:31,603 No, wait. Uh, the crab claws. 635 00:34:31,637 --> 00:34:34,140 No. 636 00:34:34,173 --> 00:34:37,243 - How's the tuna salad? - Not as good as the chicken salad, 637 00:34:37,276 --> 00:34:40,212 but better than gettin' smacked in the neck with a big-ass rubber band. 638 00:34:40,246 --> 00:34:43,115 Hmm. 639 00:34:43,149 --> 00:34:46,218 Choose, dummy! God, think for yourself! 640 00:34:46,252 --> 00:34:48,754 Take the crab claws. 641 00:34:48,787 --> 00:34:50,722 - ¡Ay! - I'll have what the puppet's having. 642 00:34:53,759 --> 00:34:56,562 [ Earl Narrating ] And eventually all that pain turned into some gain. 643 00:34:56,595 --> 00:34:58,530 * Did slowly go by * 644 00:34:58,564 --> 00:35:00,466 You stopped! 645 00:35:00,499 --> 00:35:03,435 Did you do that on purpose or on accident? 646 00:35:03,469 --> 00:35:05,504 Don't you lie to me. On purpose. 647 00:35:05,537 --> 00:35:07,773 My brain told my feet to stop, and they did. 648 00:35:07,806 --> 00:35:11,810 My brain's never been smarter than my feet before. I'm proud of you, Randy. 649 00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:14,746 Now if we can just get you to stop walkin' around with your brother's shirt... 650 00:35:14,780 --> 00:35:17,183 like a giant-headed hillbilly Linus, you'll be fixed. 651 00:35:19,251 --> 00:35:21,320 [ Earl Narrating ] I was havin' success too, 652 00:35:21,353 --> 00:35:24,190 although I knew every deal I made was another favor I owed. 653 00:35:24,223 --> 00:35:26,858 I need some spoons to dig with. Escape? 654 00:35:26,892 --> 00:35:28,360 Archaeology. 655 00:35:28,394 --> 00:35:30,196 I don't know that word. 656 00:35:30,229 --> 00:35:32,764 But you know spoons, though, right? 657 00:35:32,798 --> 00:35:35,667 Okay. Okay, you got it. 658 00:35:35,701 --> 00:35:39,371 But I need a favor. I want you to get everyone out of this prison for an entire day... 659 00:35:39,405 --> 00:35:41,139 so I can have this place to myself. 660 00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:47,546 - Okay. I'll work on that. - [ Man ] * As soon as you are able 661 00:35:47,579 --> 00:35:50,716 [ Earl Narrating ] And with every favor I asked, I felt a little less safe. 662 00:35:50,749 --> 00:35:53,252 Anyway, I'm gonna need some brushes to clean off... 663 00:35:53,285 --> 00:35:55,321 whatever we find when we dig for archaeology. 664 00:35:55,354 --> 00:35:57,523 You got it. 665 00:35:57,556 --> 00:35:59,858 But I'm gonna need you to take care of my dog Simon. 666 00:35:59,891 --> 00:36:02,594 * Same old story 667 00:36:02,628 --> 00:36:05,764 * Oh, turn some pages 668 00:36:05,797 --> 00:36:08,800 And if you lose him, I'll kill you. 669 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:11,703 * Here when you are ready * 670 00:36:11,737 --> 00:36:15,807 [ Earl Narrating ] And every favor I asked meant another scary prisoner knew I existed. 671 00:36:15,841 --> 00:36:18,377 So far we've already collected lice and hookworms, 672 00:36:18,410 --> 00:36:20,946 and word in the yard is you have maggots. 673 00:36:20,979 --> 00:36:24,216 Yeah. But they're cleanin' the dead flesh out of my back wound. 674 00:36:24,250 --> 00:36:27,719 You could take 'em, but then you gotta clean the dead flesh out of my back wound. 675 00:36:30,722 --> 00:36:33,425 [ Earl Narrating ] Pretty soon, we had everything we needed. 676 00:36:33,459 --> 00:36:37,629 For his archaeology badge, we stumbled on the spot where, in the old days, 677 00:36:37,663 --> 00:36:40,799 the guards played a game they called Kick the Prisoner in the Face. 678 00:36:40,832 --> 00:36:44,670 Save the molars. We could use them to make dice. 679 00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:49,641 [ Earl Narrating ] For his natural science badge, 680 00:36:49,675 --> 00:36:51,877 we collected lice, hookworms and maggots. 681 00:36:51,910 --> 00:36:53,979 All we needed now were some roaches. 682 00:36:55,581 --> 00:36:57,849 Okay, hit it. 683 00:36:57,883 --> 00:36:59,951 Okay. Lights on. 684 00:37:05,924 --> 00:37:10,429 [ Earl Narrating ] And the thing I thought would be the hardest turned out to be the easiest. 685 00:37:12,398 --> 00:37:15,000 Excuse me. 686 00:37:15,033 --> 00:37:17,969 For those of you who don't know me yet, uh, 687 00:37:18,003 --> 00:37:20,038 I'm helpin' a guy get some badges. 688 00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:23,409 Does anyone here happen to be a scoutmaster? 689 00:37:29,515 --> 00:37:32,351 [ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, Glen got his last two badges... 690 00:37:32,384 --> 00:37:35,687 and was finally awarded his honor sash. [ Gate Buzzes ] 691 00:37:35,721 --> 00:37:38,857 And when the parole board heard what a change he'd made in himself, 692 00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:41,460 they finally gave him his parole. 693 00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:51,703 And Glen was happy to be out. 694 00:37:51,737 --> 00:37:53,872 But, while people were no longer afraid of him, 695 00:37:53,905 --> 00:37:55,874 they still judged him by the way he looked. 696 00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:57,909 Yo, check out the old dude in the Scout uniform. 697 00:37:57,943 --> 00:38:00,879 "Be prepared"... to never get laid! 698 00:38:03,582 --> 00:38:06,385 [ Earl Narrating ] Glen thought about goin' back to his old stealin' ways. 699 00:38:09,855 --> 00:38:14,593 But for the first time, the way other people saw him didn't matter as much. 700 00:38:14,626 --> 00:38:16,495 What mattered was how he saw himself. 701 00:38:22,701 --> 00:38:26,472 Prison debts are bad, so it was nice knowin' I had paid mine to Glen. 702 00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:30,041 It would have been nicer if there weren't a ton of other convicts I owed favors to now. 703 00:38:30,075 --> 00:38:33,479 Yeah, I-- I know. I know. I gotta get everybody out of here for a day. 704 00:38:33,512 --> 00:38:37,383 I-- I'm tryin' to organize a huge field trip to the aquarium. 705 00:38:37,416 --> 00:38:39,851 They haven't called me back. You got rid of Glen. 706 00:38:39,885 --> 00:38:43,655 That's a start, right? One guy down, 1,200 to go. 707 00:38:43,689 --> 00:38:46,992 Don't worry about it. That Glen was causin' all those stupid lockdowns. 708 00:38:47,025 --> 00:38:49,461 Makin' me crazier than my mom before I chopped her up. 709 00:38:49,495 --> 00:38:52,798 Anyway, thanks for gettin' him out of here. 710 00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:54,933 You don't owe me anything. 711 00:38:58,504 --> 00:39:01,807 Hey, Earl. Man, thanks for the peace and quiet. 712 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,075 You don't have to keep taking care of Simon. We're square. 713 00:39:05,744 --> 00:39:07,813 Aren't you gonna give him back to me? 714 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:11,082 Oh, right. 715 00:39:15,421 --> 00:39:17,556 Whoa. You're so big. 716 00:39:17,589 --> 00:39:19,625 What's that man been feeding you? 717 00:39:28,133 --> 00:39:31,169 [ Earl Narrating ] The next two years were gonna be hard, but... 718 00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:34,473 now I knew I couldn't survive 'em by doin' the same thing Glen had: 719 00:39:34,506 --> 00:39:38,143 lettin' prison turn me into someone I wouldn't recognize. 720 00:39:38,176 --> 00:39:40,479 I realized that no matter how scared I get, 721 00:39:40,512 --> 00:39:43,915 if I'm gonna survive in prison, I have to do it as myself. 722 00:39:43,949 --> 00:39:48,186 'Cause my name isn't inmate number 28301-016. 723 00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:50,088 My name is Earl. 724 00:39:53,625 --> 00:39:56,194 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy had spent weeks doin' her best to fix Randy. 725 00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,930 And then one day, her big-headed hillbilly Linus... 726 00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:01,900 left his blanket behind and was ready to make decisions on his own. 727 00:40:05,837 --> 00:40:10,141 And the first thing he decided to do was move back in with me. 728 00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:18,049 Oh, my God! I'm stealin' a car! 729 00:40:18,083 --> 00:40:20,819 Look at me! Someone call the police! 730 00:40:20,852 --> 00:40:22,754 I should be in prison with my brother! 731 00:40:22,788 --> 00:40:25,724 Hello? Stealin' a car! 732 00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:27,926 I'm stealin' a car! 733 00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:29,995 Come and get me! 734 00:40:30,028 --> 00:40:32,531 Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! 735 00:40:32,564 --> 00:40:34,766 That's the car alarm. I'm stealin' this car. 736 00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:38,436 Can't you hear the car alarm? [ Imitating Alarm ]