1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,572
[ Earl Narrating ]
Usually when you see
a long line at the Crab Shack,

2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,775
it's headin' into the bathroom
due to food poisoning.

3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,811
But today there was a line
'cause someone from
the Camden Savings & Loan...

4
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:13,714
was givin' away T-shirts
if you qualified
for a credit card.

5
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,917
This is great.
'Cause his little left thumb
is over my left lactatin' spot,

6
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:19,787
and I carry my purse
on my right side,
so I'm good to go.

7
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:23,491
Earl, is that the real
Pack-Away the Savings Squirrel?

8
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,693
'Cause he hasn't
sung that song.

9
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:29,830
* You'd be nuts
not to keep your nuts
at Camden Savings & Loan *

10
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,832
Member F.D.I.C.

11
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,002
It's gonna be one of those times
when you think I'm talking
down to you,

12
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,238
but the squirrel on TV's
a cartoon.

13
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,674
- You can be a real jerk
sometimes.
- Next.

14
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:44,044
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was excited to finally own
a credit card I hadn't stolen.

15
00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:47,915
And Randy was excited
to get a T-shirt
with a smilin' squirrel on it.

16
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,251
So, Mr. Hickey--
permanent residence?

17
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,920
Palm Tree Motel,
Room 231.

18
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,323
For one night,
we stayed in Room 211,
which was bigger,

19
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,825
but it was over
a drug dealer's room.

20
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,862
Sometimes bullets would
come up through the floor
and freak us out, so we moved.

21
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:04,798
Okay. None.
Occupation?

22
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,268
I have a list of bad things
I've done to people,

23
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:10,171
and I go around and find 'em
and make up for what I did.

24
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:13,274
- It's based on karma.
- [ Chittering ]

25
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,209
You can put "None."

26
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,378
Highest level of education:

27
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:20,248
high school graduate,
some college,
college graduate?

28
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,583
Is there a box
for "some high school"?

29
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,552
Or street smarts?

30
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:28,322
You got any questions like,
"What's the last movie you saw?"
'cause I can answer that.

31
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,824
Jack Frost.
It was on TV.

32
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:32,660
Not great.
I'm sorry, sir.

33
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:35,963
We're not allowed
to give people
who are homeless,

34
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,366
unemployed and uneducated
a credit card.

35
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,702
- They're real sticklers.
- So no T-shirt?

36
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:46,407
Oh, no, but I do have
this paper mask of Pack-Away
that we give to children.

37
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,309
You can have one of these.
[ Squirrel Chitters ]

38
00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:52,680
[ Earl Narrating ]
So as far as the bank
was concerned, I was a child.

39
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:55,349
And what kind of man would want
to be treated like a child?

40
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,618
Can I get a squirrel mask?
Actually two.

41
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,720
'Cause I know
I'll wear the first one out.

42
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,658
My name is Earl.

43
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,198
[ Man ]
You got to hit it.

44
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,500
[ Earl Narrating ]
There I was--
with no job,

45
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,569
no education,
no permanent home.

46
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,872
I realized that my life hadn't
changed since high school.

47
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:22,643
And I wasn't the only one.
Hey, Earl.
Would you pass the nuts?

48
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,214
Sorry, Randy.
That's funny, but I'm not
in a laughin' mood right now.

49
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,184
Don't beat yourself up too much
about the bank lady making you
feel like a child and whatnot.

50
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:33,153
At least
you're doing the list.
That's a very adult endeavor.

51
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:36,857
That list is ridiculous.
He numbers everything on it,
but he never follows the order.

52
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:40,093
Plus he didn't know
how to spell "catapult,"
so he just drew one on it.

53
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:44,031
Only reason anybody takes
that thing seriously is 'cause
it's on yellow lawyer paper.

54
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:48,469
If you screwed yourself out of
being an adult, why don't you
just put yourself on the list?

55
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:52,506
Sometimes I feel like
your conscience-- like that
little cricket, Jiminy Hiccup.

56
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,676
I like when you're on the list.
That way, we get to skip
the long, boring part...

57
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:59,112
where we have to find the person
and explain about karma.

58
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,250
- I hate that part.
- All right. Here we go.

59
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,885
I'm puttin' this down
right now.

60
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,088
Number 273--

61
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:11,892
kept myself
from bein' an adult.

62
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,895
And you know somethin'
I've seen grown-ups do?

63
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:18,266
Underneath an important item,
they write other items
with little letters in front.

64
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:22,035
273-A-- finish high school.

65
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:25,606
273-B-- get a real job.

66
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:29,543
273-C-- move out of the motel.

67
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:33,714
Subsets. You're growin' up
right before our very eyes.

68
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:39,019
[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew it was too late to get
a real high school diploma,

69
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:42,656
so I decided to get
the next-best thing-- a G.E.D.

70
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:49,297
I started with math
since I knew I could
count on my fingers.

71
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,231
Randy took it
to the next level.

72
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:55,669
"In Armando's class,
there are six women
for every two men."

73
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,038
Nice.

74
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:01,275
"If there are 12 women,
how many men are there?"

75
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,911
[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't quite figure out
how many men there were,

76
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:07,014
but I did figure out
there would be 24 boobs.

77
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,918
That didn't really help me,
but it probably helped Armando.

78
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,986
Either way, I skipped math.

79
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,460
"Past participle."

80
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,498
Okay. Okay. A "part" is...

81
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,767
like a part of somethin'.

82
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,036
And an "iciple"...

83
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,405
could be like "municipal,"

84
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:34,207
which I think stands for
"swimming pool."

85
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:37,611
So, part of a swimmin' pool
in the past.

86
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,749
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then I decided to skip English.

87
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,753
"How many continents
are there?"

88
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,491
"A," "E," "I," "O," "U."

89
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:55,329
Damn. "Five" isn't a choice.

90
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:58,298
[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't even fill in
one stupid answer bubble.

91
00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,734
Randy, however, did not
have the same problem.

92
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,407
It's a sailboat.

93
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,909
That dot's me, and these dots
are all hot babes.

94
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,144
[ Sighs ]

95
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:14,314
[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided, if I was gonna pass
those G.E.D. tests,

96
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,417
I needed to actually
learn some stuff.

97
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,318
So I went back
to my old high school...

98
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:21,655
to tell my teachers
this drop-out was ready
to drop back in.

99
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,957
What do you mean
you won't teach me?
You're teachers.

100
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:27,194
You're too late, Hickey.
The shot clock's expired
on that one.

101
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,329
[ Fly Buzzing ]
You should've paid attention
the first time,

102
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,331
back in the '80s
when we gave a crap.

103
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:37,237
You guys used to beg me
to pay attention so you
could teach me somethin'.

104
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:41,041
- What the hell happened to you?
- You wanna know what happened?

105
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:44,144
Two decades of dealing
with rotten little
fuzz nuts like you.

106
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,346
[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't argue.

107
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,516
Me and Randy were
rotten little fuzz nuts.

108
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,350
And after we left school,

109
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:53,587
there was a long line
of bad kids waitin'
to take our place.

110
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,357
* You better stop *

111
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,393
* Look around *

112
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,562
* Here it comes *
And after a while,

113
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,498
enough fuzz nuts will break
a teacher's spirit.

114
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:07,334
Mr. Romack's was broken
on Teacher Appreciation Day...

115
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,003
when they superglued a mug
to his hand.

116
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:13,340
* Here comes your 19th
nervous breakdown *

117
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,844
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Bell Rings ]

118
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,614
They got Mrs. Harding
on her smoke break.

119
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,685
[ Pops ]
[ Gasps ]

120
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:27,387
* Oh, who's to blame *
[ Laughing ]

121
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:31,324
* That girl's just insane *
[ Sobbing ]

122
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,827
They even got
to sweet Mrs. McCullum...

123
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,329
who lived for teaching kids
the joy of cooking.

124
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,332
[ Loud Snap ]
[ Screams ]

125
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,670
- Awesome!
- [ Sobbing ]
Oh, my God.

126
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:48,308
[ Earl Narrating ]
Eventually, the kids' pranks
got completely out of hand.

127
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,177
Have a nice
Christmas break,
buddy.

128
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:54,181
* Here comes your 19th
nervous breakdown *

129
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,083
** [ Ends ]

130
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:59,352
I used to love coffee.
Now it just taunts me.

131
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,890
I used to teach them
how to prepare a whole
Thanksgiving meal every fall.

132
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,125
Now I just let 'em watch
Barefoot Contessa...

133
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,394
while I play Texas hold 'em
on my cell phone.

134
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,463
We've become babysitters.

135
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,800
Every day is just
a "run out the clock" situation.

136
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,002
Schools always have a group
of lowlife scums.

137
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:17,437
Why not just give 'em
in-school suspension?

138
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:19,473
Hell, I spent
half my freshman year there.

139
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,775
First place I ever got to see
a baby get born.

140
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:26,714
We tried in-school suspension.
Can't get substitutes
to cover the class anymore.

141
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,182
Maybe you should try giving them
a nicer name than "substitutes."

142
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,253
Like guest teacher
or astronaut.

143
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,856
No. "Teachernaut."

144
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,091
Wait. That makes it sound
like they're not teachers.

145
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,160
"Astroteachers."

146
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:43,731
Yeah, guys, I understand
you're burnt out,
but I need you.

147
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,867
If-If you don't help me pass
my G.E.D. tests,

148
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:49,503
I won't be able to start
becoming an adult.

149
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,539
Please. I'll do anything.

150
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,875
Anything?

151
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,945
I'm your teacher.
My name is Earl.

152
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,214
[ All Laughing ]

153
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,551
[ Earl Narrating ]
Bad attitudes and perfect aim.

154
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,653
This was gonna be a challenge.

155
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:13,827
[ Earl Narrating ] My first day,
I got hit with five spitballs
and a homemade Chinese star.

156
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:17,030
So I prepared for day two.
Does this sound
inspirational?

157
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,500
"Hazy dreams
produce hazy results."

158
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,402
Some guy named Ibid
said that.

159
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:25,606
- I don't get it.
- Me neither. That's why
I thought it was smart.

160
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:30,177
Why do you have to inspire 'em?
I thought you were just
supposed to babysit.

161
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,345
No, I want to turn
these kids around, Randy.

162
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,582
I owe it to their teachers
after everything I did to 'em.

163
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:39,252
Plus, I don't want these kids
to end up like me-- 35 years old
and still not an adult.

164
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:42,623
Earl, relax.
The teacher always gets through
to the troubled kids.

165
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,726
I've seen this movie,
like, 12 times,
and it always ends up fine.

166
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:49,997
Although sometimes you do
get shot in a drive-by
or catch breast cancer.

167
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:58,906
Listen, kids-- dudes.

168
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,408
I don't want you to think of me
as just a teacher.

169
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,343
I want you
to think of me as a friend.

170
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:07,681
'Cause I've been where you are,
and I know where you're goin'.

171
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:11,919
I was you once, and now I live
in a motel room where I share
a bed with my brother.

172
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,254
- Gay.
- [ All Laughing ]

173
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:17,224
Yeah, listen, it's not gay.
He's my brother.

174
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,694
- Gay.
- Look, that word
is not cool.

175
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:23,430
I happen to have
a homosexual friend
named Kenny--

176
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,699
Super gay.

177
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,802
[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized straight talkin'
might not work with these kids.

178
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,871
It was gonna take
somethin' more.

179
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,907
All right. That's it.
We're goin' on a field trip.

180
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,543
Everybody out
to the parking lot.

181
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,212
Hop in the back
of the El Camino.

182
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,049
Today, I'm gonna
show you all your future.

183
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:46,386
Just don't tell me
what day I die on.
I don't wanna know.

184
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,321
Is it a Thursday?

185
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,724
[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided to show 'em
what my life became...

186
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,626
after making the same decisions
they were making.

187
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,628
This is where I live.

188
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:58,666
If you continue to screw off
and let high school pass you by
without learning anything,

189
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,734
this is where
you're gonna live.

190
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,470
Sweet. That hot maid
clean for you every day?

191
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,206
It's not sweet.
It's pathetic.

192
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,341
I can't even qualify
for an apartment.

193
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,078
Catalina, tell these guys
why they don't wanna be like me.

194
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:14,147
Well, one night, a speed freak
broke into his room,

195
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,017
slammed Earl's head
against the bathtub
until he passed out,

196
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,820
then went to the bathroom
and left without flushing.

197
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:25,425
See? Now, that would've
never happened if I had
a high school diploma.

198
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,627
Let's go.

199
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:33,266
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then I showed 'em
their future ex-wife.

200
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,103
What the hell is this?
You better hope that
"To Catch a Predator" guy...

201
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,271
doesn't come in and see you
with all these kids.

202
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:41,909
Nice. Joy, I want you
to tell these guys why
they don't wanna be like me.

203
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:47,047
Well, he's not very smart.
The first time he saw Y.M.C.A.,

204
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,082
he thought
it was pronounced "yumca."

205
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,985
Plus, I once saw him dive
into an empty pool.

206
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,087
That was actually a funny day.

207
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:57,057
He hit his head so hard,
he took a dump in a cat box.

208
00:10:57,124 --> 00:11:01,394
That's a true story. The cat
caught me in her box and tried
to scratch me a new one.

209
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,797
That wouldn't have happened
if I stayed in school.

210
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:07,367
Earl's right.
With a good education,
you can do whatever you want.

211
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,303
- Did you graduate high school?
- With honors.

212
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,874
- Then why are you working
in a dump like this?
- [ Kids Snickering ]

213
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,044
L-Life can get
complicated, man.

214
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,212
You don't know
what I've been through.

215
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,648
I've seen the darkest parts
of a man's soul--

216
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,084
things that make a horror movie
look like The Hughleys!

217
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,920
Darnell. Darnell.
Look. It's the Crab Shack.

218
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,857
And there's your wife.
She's hot.

219
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,992
Tonight, you're gonna go home
and play Atari.

220
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:35,228
Everything's fine.
[ Joy ]
I thought of somethin' else.

221
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:39,566
One time at the zoo,
I saw a monkey beat Earl
at rock, paper, scissors.

222
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:43,270
[ Earl Narrating ] After showing
the kids how much better off
I'd be if I'd stayed in school,

223
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:46,406
I felt like I had
gotten through to 'em.

224
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,375
So, what did
we learn today?

225
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:51,011
That you're a loser.

226
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:55,783
Yeah, that's exactly right.
You don't wanna end up like me.

227
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:59,319
There's no way we're gonna
end up like some old dude
with a porno mustache.

228
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,954
[ Boy ]
Yeah.

229
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:05,325
Not the way I play Guitar Hero.
I five starred "Free Bird"
on the first try.

230
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,161
I'm gonna be a rock star
soon as my parents
buy me a guitar.

231
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,864
You guys can't count
on crazy dreams...

232
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,834
like being a rock star
or playing pro basketball.

233
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:18,271
It's not gonna happen. I mean,
when I was your age, I thought
I was gonna be a stuntman.

234
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,908
But the closest
I ever came was being
on a surveillance tape...

235
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,010
when I fell through the roof
of a liquor store.

236
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,013
[ Bell Rings ]
[ Chattering ]

237
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,782
That's because you were
born a loser, Hickey,

238
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,084
and we were born awesome.

239
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:40,227
- Um, Mr. Hickey,
can I talk to you?
- Sure, Summer.

240
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:44,331
It's a little embarrassing,
but... I don't wanna be a loser.

241
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:48,035
I don't want to lose
at rock, paper, scissors
to a monkey.

242
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,403
Look, he threw rock
six times in a row.

243
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:54,174
And just when I caught on
to the pattern-- scissors.
But go on.

244
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:57,444
[ Earl Narrating ] So I didn't
get through to my whole class,
[ No Audible Dialogue ]

245
00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,313
but one of my students
was finally opening up to me.

246
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,549
And I was really excited
to help her,

247
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,986
so I sat her down and gave her
every piece of advice
I could think of.

248
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,922
* Lean on me *

249
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:12,159
* When you're not strong *

250
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:15,595
* And I'll be your friend *

251
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,731
* I'll help you carry on **

252
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,767
And, Summer,
now always remember.

253
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,602
Just because you have
a stripper name...

254
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:25,572
doesn't mean you have
to grow up to be a stripper.

255
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:29,742
Wow. Thank you, Mr. Hickey.
You just changed my life.

256
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,846
That's what teachers do.

257
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:35,248
Summer, let's go.
You stalled him long enough.

258
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:40,921
What? Stalled me?
Stalled me for what?

259
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:47,427
What the hell?
I don't remember you
parking the car like that.

260
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,901
[ Laughing ]

261
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:00,173
How'd I even get out?

262
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,576
I'm gonna kill 'em!
I swear to God
I'm really gonna kill 'em.

263
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,845
Now you're sounding
like a real teacher.

264
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,949
In two weeks, you'll
have gained 20 pounds
and stopped shaving anything.

265
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:12,785
They're total bastards.
Those kids didn't listen
to a single thing I said...

266
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,422
when all I was trying to do
was help 'em.

267
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,558
And how do they thank me?
They put my car on its side.

268
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,493
Oh.

269
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,629
Don't be a hero, Hickey.
Just take a knee.

270
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:26,433
I can't believe you guys.
When are you gonna
stand up and fight?

271
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,536
You're in charge.
This is your school.

272
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:32,539
I'm serious.

273
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,008
We need to treat them
exactly like they treat us.

274
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,144
Look, what do you want
from us?

275
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,580
We're not allowed
to hurt the kids,
at least not physically.

276
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,815
I don't have the energy
to hurt 'em emotionally.

277
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,784
I'm not talkin' about
hurtin' them.

278
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,621
I'm just talkin' about giving
'em a little "obnonymous"
taste of their own medicine--

279
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:52,592
or their own saliva,
in the case of what they did
to your soup, Mrs. McCullum.

280
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,195
They spit in my soup?
When?

281
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,965
Well, Mrs. Harding says
they do it every day.

282
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:01,534
I didn't tell you 'cause
I know you like your soup.
I didn't want to make you upset.

283
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,204
They gave me mono.

284
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:08,041
It's time to fight back--
for the exploding cigarettes,

285
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,877
for the duct tape,
for the superglue...

286
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,447
and for what Mrs. Harding
told me they rubbed
on your coffee mug.

287
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,617
They put their privates in it.
Again, I didn't want
to upset you.

288
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,652
Come on, guys.
What do you say?

289
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,655
Huh? Are we gonna sit around
and take it, or are we
gonna fight back?

290
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,459
Let's get those bastards.

291
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:32,732
[ Earl Narrating ] Mr. Romack
went the eye-for-an-eye,
glue-for-a-glue route.

292
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,634
* Another one bites the dust *

293
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:37,004
* And another one gone
and another one gone *

294
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:41,041
* Another one bites the dust *
For Mrs. McCullum,
revenge was sweet--

295
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,277
[ Screams ]
and a little messy.

296
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,013
[ Gasps ]

297
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,115
* Another one bites the dust *

298
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,150
[ Muffled Giggle ]

299
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,185
* Another one bites the dust *

300
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:56,823
For Mrs. Harding, all revenge
took was assigned seats
and an Allen wrench.

301
00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:00,593
* Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

302
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,696
* Shooter **

303
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:09,036
And we saved the worst kid
for last-- Nick Daley.

304
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,304
We decided to hit him
where it would hurt the most--

305
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,573
his 1968 cobalt-blue Camaro.

306
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,376
And Mr. Baldwin was excited
to do the dirty work.

307
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,112
Oh, man, it is
gonna be crazy.

308
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,581
When he starts up the car,
the CD player is gonna play--

309
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:25,418
[ Chanting In Singsong ]
I have a tiny penis,
I have a tiny penis--

310
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,720
over and over again
on a loop.

311
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,857
When he tries to turn it off--
I rigged the interior
with air bags.

312
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,992
Boom! They're all gonna explode.

313
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:35,662
Then the doors are gonna lock.
Anyone who touches the handle
to get out--

314
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,498
Bzzz! Gonna get shocked!
[ Laughs ]

315
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:43,070
Oh, man! Oh, I wish
my old shop teacher
was still alive to see this.

316
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,473
This is for you,
Mr. Veeley.

317
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:54,414
All right, nice work.

318
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,849
Now, when we go back in,
act casual.

319
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,685
- Okay!
- [ Chortling ]

320
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:01,020
[ Earl ]
Casual. Casual.

321
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:07,194
* The low rider
is a little higher *

322
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:11,431
- Have a nice lunch break.
- Buckle up for safety.

323
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:14,234
- Enjoy your ride, kids.
- [ Boy ]
What?

324
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,806
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was the kind of excitement
teachers should have,

325
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,709
even if it wasn't comin' out
in the most teacherly way.

326
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,745
Earl, I think I speak
for all of us when I say...

327
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:29,015
this may very well be
the greatest moment
of my teaching career.

328
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,084
What if
he wets his pants?
Shh!

329
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,019
Claire, you'll jinx it.

330
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:36,589
* Take a little trip
Take a little trip with me **

331
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,658
[ Alarm Beeps ]

332
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:44,164
- Whoa!
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Gasps ]

333
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:53,240
- Oh, God!
- [ Gasping ]

334
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,575
It's okay. You can get 'em
with the next bomb.

335
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,610
You just have to delay it
a little.

336
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:00,313
They're gonna
call this terrorism.
We're going to Guantánamo.

337
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,182
Game, set, match.
[ Car Alarms Blaring ]

338
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,451
Yeah, bitches!

339
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,053
That's for steeping your pouch
in my coffee mug!

340
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,055
Shut up!

341
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,691
Everybody calm down.
What the hell did you
do to the car?

342
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,660
I don't know what happened.
Some wires must have
gotten crossed.

343
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,396
Must have? Must have?
His car exploded, Baldwin!

344
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,166
Shut up, Harding.
You want a piece of me?
You shut up!

345
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,401
Stop freakin' out.

346
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:24,604
Look, I've accidentally
exploded tons of stuff
in my life,

347
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,873
and nothing's been
traced back to me.

348
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,910
The important thing is we
go about our normal business
and act casual.

349
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:34,281
Got it?

350
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,249
See? This is what
I'm talkin' about.

351
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,751
Mrs. McCullum,

352
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,855
rockin' with your hands
buried in your crotch
is not actin' casual.

353
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,958
But I'm nervous.

354
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:49,429
[ Earl Narrating ] It's rare
that you hear someone say
a teacher has nerves of steel.

355
00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:51,598
There's a reason for that.

356
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:55,034
But there was nothing
I could do.
I had to send 'em back to class.

357
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,204
[ Chalk Chattering ]

358
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,245
P-P-Please open your, uh,

359
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,615
American literature
antho-thology to page--

360
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,153
[ Earl Narrating ]
But then something weird
happened.

361
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,955
Apparently, an accidental
attempt at murder...

362
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,558
is just what it takes to get
a teenager's attention.

363
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,294
* I have a tiny penis *
Those teachers are crazy!

364
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:25,365
They're trying to kill us!
Okay. We pushed 'em too far.

365
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:29,135
I peed in my pants.
Yeah, you peed in
my pants too, man.

366
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:32,171
* I have a tiny penis
I have a tiny penis **

367
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,841
[ Earl Narrating ]
Our little revenge plan
had scared 'em straight...

368
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,809
in a way we never expected.

369
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,979
And once Mrs. Harding realized
the apple wasn't gonna explode,

370
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:43,883
she calmed down and was able
to get back to teaching
for the first time in years.

371
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:49,622
The teachers were so grateful
to have control over
their classrooms again...

372
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:54,294
that they went back
to teaching everyone,
including me and Randy.

373
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,629
And me and Randy
liked learning so much...

374
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,799
we took classes that wouldn't
even be on the G.E.D. test.

375
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,702
My zucchini bread
turned out perfect.

376
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,905
[ Sniffs ]
Mmm.

377
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,043
[ Earl Narrating ]
For the first time
in my life,

378
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:15,014
I turned in a test
and felt good
about my future.

379
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:18,485
I didn't make a picture
this time, because I knew
too many of the answers.

380
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,453
But I did draw somethin'
on my scratch paper.

381
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,323
It's an elf named Finster.

382
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:29,095
[ Earl Narrating ] I may not
have gotten to walk across
a stage wearin' a dress,

383
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:32,299
but I felt like I accomplished
something big in my life.

384
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:37,136
I even got to apply
my newly learned math skills.

385
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:40,239
Looks like
I'm a third of the way
to becoming an adult.

386
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,241
Or two-sixths...

387
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,344
or three-ninths.

388
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,113
Or "D"-- all the above.

389
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:50,383
[ Earl Narrating ] I was doubly
proud that day because Randy
did a lot of learning too.

390
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,285
I got a lot
of carvin' to do.

391
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,454
[ Blows ]