1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,604
My name is Earl.

2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,440
[ Earl Narrating ]
Havin' a baby can be
very hard on a woman.

3
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:10,478
And because of that,
it can be hard on the man too.

4
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:14,548
Darnell, you are gonna have to
pick the kids up from school.

5
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:18,386
Baby, I'm tryin' to pick
all the broken lightbulb
out of the gumbo.

6
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:22,890
- Why can't you do it?
- I am growin' a human being
in my body cell by cell.

7
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:26,294
I need my rest, Darnell.
My stomach could be buildin'
its brain today. You don't know.

8
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,929
[ Earl Narrating ]
Watching Joy being pregnant...

9
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,432
reminded me of somethin' I
should've done a long time ago--

10
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:35,035
finish makin' a lamp
I started in eighth grade
industrial arts class.

11
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:38,339
I don't remember which wire
I'm supposed to hook
to the yellow wire.

12
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:42,343
Come on, Earl. Hurry up.
I need to plug the TV back
into the electricity holes.

13
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,578
Cannonball Run 2
is startin' on Channel 5.

14
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,848
And you know
if I miss the beginning,
I get lost in the story.

15
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:50,718
The teacher had
some sort of rhyme.

16
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,521
Red you're dead.

17
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,157
Maybe "bluey"
goes "kapluey."

18
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:59,693
Earl, we're runnin'
out of time.

19
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,895
Fine. I'll just guess.

20
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,064
Here goes nothin'.

21
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,802
I guess it's all right.

22
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:13,107
Wait a second. I think
this is last month's TV Guide.

23
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:15,576
[ Electricity Crackling ]

24
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:19,647
[ Earl Narrating ] So what does
Joy bein' pregnant have to do
with me finishin' this lamp?

25
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,515
Well, that's a long story.

26
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,285
Now, most people
already know me and Joy met...

27
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,787
and got married
under unusual circumstances.

28
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:30,191
I was drunk,
and she was pregnant
with someone else's child.

29
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,326
But I loved her nonetheless.

30
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,095
I can't say my new wife and my
parents hit it off right away,

31
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,332
but Joy wasn't the first
thing I did my parents
didn't approve of.

32
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,335
So, who is the father?

33
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,572
Oh, I didn't get a name.
You know how crazy concerts are.

34
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,610
I'm gonna go lay down.

35
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,448
[ Earl Narrating ]
A few months later,
Joy had the baby,

36
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,619
and other than my parents
not volunteering to babysit,
things were workin' great.

37
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:02,590
Gettin' near the road again.
[ Baby Muttering ]

38
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:06,194
- ** [ Music Box ]
- [ Horn Honking ]

39
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:09,463
We were
the all-American family.

40
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,900
[ Baby Crying ]
Then, out of nowhere,
the baby started cryin'.

41
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,068
He cried all day.

42
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,405
[ Crying Continues ]

43
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,140
Then he cried all night.

44
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:24,212
No matter how much
two people love each other,

45
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,814
the stresses of parenthood
can put a strain
on any relationship.

46
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,817
- Walk him.
- Crabman just brought
my crab parts.

47
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,786
- Walk him!
- [ Baby Continues Crying ]

48
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,893
I swear to God if that
thing doesn't stop cryin',

49
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,531
I'm gonna put him
in a gunnysack and smack him
up against the side of a barn.

50
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,434
** [ Country On Jukebox ]
I'm just blowin' off steam.

51
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,436
If you tell the cops
I said that,

52
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:52,540
I swear to God I'll tie you up
behind my car and do doughnuts
in the mall parking lot.

53
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,642
[ Earl Narrating ]
And it wasn't just Joy.

54
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,311
I was takin' my "stressiness"
out on her too.

55
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,447
- We're out of antifreeze!
- What?

56
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:03,717
- We're out of antifreeze!
- How do you forget
to put in the antifreeze?

57
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,620
How do I forget
to put in antifreeze?

58
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:10,724
How do you forget to put a damn
diaphragm in before you go
to a Ronnie James Dio concert?

59
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,926
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were bad.

60
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,163
So, like a lot of married
people do when they're going
through a rough patch,

61
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,165
we "seeked" counseling.

62
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:21,502
Raising a child is hard,
and I'm sure that everybody
in this audience would agree.

63
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:25,005
The important thing is
that you gotta take breaks
every now and then for yourself.

64
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,242
I mean, one person
should watch the baby
and give the other person...

65
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,911
a little opportunity
for some personal time.

66
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,847
Me first.
** [ Hip-hop ]

67
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,116
[ Earl Narrating ]
So, on Montel's advice,

68
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,252
Joy went out
for a little Joy time.

69
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,955
** [ Muttering ]

70
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,124
What Montel failed to mention...

71
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:47,828
is that when your wife
is four margaritas deep
into her alone time--

72
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,830
* Check baby, check baby
One, two, three, four *

73
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,066
* Check baby, check baby
One, two, three *

74
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:56,304
all that fightin' she's
been doin' with her husband...

75
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,739
may send her straight
into the arms of another man.

76
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,942
And just like that,
Joy found the solution
to her marital problems--

77
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,177
adultery.

78
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,681
And over the next few months,
Joy and Darnell
started to get real close.

79
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,983
[ Earl ]
Hello! Happy Thanksgiving!

80
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,852
[ Whispering ]
Get in the closet.

81
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,324
What are you doin' in bed?

82
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:20,628
Waitin' for you to get home
to give me my Thanksgiving
stuffing.

83
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,964
Really? All right.
It's been a while.

84
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,900
I'll try not to touch you
too much. My hands are cold.

85
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,802
They smell like turkey.

86
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:35,108
[ Earl Narrating ]
Of course, now I kick myself
for not seein' the signs,

87
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:39,613
but sometimes
the truth is hardest to see
when it's right in front of you.

88
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,383
Whoa, check out
this long black hair.

89
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,655
Man, I wish I would've seen this
when it was still on me.

90
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,923
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy and Darnell
were fallin' in love.

91
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,760
But no matter how much
two people love each other,

92
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,496
the stresses of adultery can put
strain on any relationship.

93
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,231
I don't like having sex
in the walk-in freezer.

94
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,300
It's cold in there,
but we still get sweaty.

95
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:03,604
Last time, my balls got stuck
to a keg of beer.
All right, fine.

96
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:06,574
We'll wait till this place
closes, and you can do me
on the pinball machine...

97
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,676
like in that porno
Jodie Foster did.

98
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,779
- How come it's always
just sex with us?
- Oh, here we go again!

99
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,415
I just wish we could go to
the movies like a normal couple.

100
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:18,419
Click your heels three times,
Dorothy, and a house full of
midgets will fall on my husband.

101
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,688
The midgets didn't live
in the house. Dorothy did.

102
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:23,457
Excuse me. I didn't
realize I was screwin'
Encyclopedia Brown.

103
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,193
[ Earl Narrating ]
What Darnell was about
to learn...

104
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,262
was just how me and Joy arguin'
sent her running to him,

105
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,700
and him and her arguin' was
gonna send her right back to me.

106
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,770
Take me to bed
or lose me forever.

107
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,573
Really? All right.
Been a while.

108
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:44,545
I'll try not to touch you
too much. My hands are hot,
and they smell like poop.

109
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,714
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then, just like that,

110
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,116
we were the all-American
family again.

111
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,823
He's back on the fence.

112
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,892
[ Thud ]
Sorry, buddy.

113
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,228
We'll put a mattress
there tomorrow.

114
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:04,732
Don't worry.
Those Huggies are padded.

115
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,501
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, me and Joy had
a little bump in the road,

116
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,504
but we were back on track;
life was good.

117
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:15,809
Oh, Randy, I've been meaning
to show you this. Check out what
I found in my bed the other day.

118
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,116
Wow! You win.

119
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,720
[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I got the news that
would change my life forever.

120
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,860
We're gonna have a baby?

121
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:37,130
Oh, my God!
I'm havin' a baby! My own baby!
I'm havin' my own baby!

122
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:41,835
No offense, buddy.
I'm havin' my own baby!
My own baby!

123
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:45,138
I'm gonna go steal
some cigars.

124
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,575
[ Earl Narrating ]
And like my high school
health teacher said,

125
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,010
nothin' fixes a relationship
like havin' a baby.

126
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,879
Me and Joy were thrilled.

127
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,214
But then Joy started doin'
a little math...

128
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,918
and realized that the chances
of the kid bein' mine
were about, well, 50-50.

129
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,621
Oh, snap.

130
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,260
[ Earl Narrating ]
Four months into Joy's
pregnancy...

131
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:11,965
they told us they could use
TV X-ray sound to tell us what
kind of baby we were havin'.

132
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,267
Congratulations, folks.
It's a boy.

133
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,970
A boy?
We're gonna have a boy!

134
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:20,874
Earl Junior!
I'm gonna have a son--
my own son!

135
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,612
Again, no offense, buddy.

136
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:27,915
I'm gonna go steal
a baseball mitt for my son.

137
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,084
[ Babbles ]

138
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:35,489
Now if I move the wand over,
you can count your son's
little toes.

139
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,491
I don't care if he's got
flippers and a beak.

140
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:41,428
Just push a little harder
on that gadget and see if you
can tell me what color he is.

141
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:44,331
[ Grunts ]

142
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:47,868
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out I
wasn't the only one happy to see
the Hickey bloodline live on.

143
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:51,004
[ Knocking ]
There's my boy!

144
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,508
- [ Kay Squeals ]
- And there's
my daughter-in-law.

145
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,577
How you doin', you little
baby-makin' machine?

146
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,879
I got hemorrhoids.

147
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,349
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I had those so bad
with Randy.

148
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:05,485
I thought his foot
was comin' out the back door.
[ Chuckles ]

149
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:09,122
Look at this.
Look what I found.
My granddaddy's rattle.

150
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,559
I played with it.
You and Randy played with it.

151
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:16,196
I've been holding onto it,
hopin' that one day I'd have
a grandson I could give it to.

152
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,567
No offense, buddy.

153
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,434
[ Rattling ]
Hear that?

154
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,403
That's Indian teeth.

155
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,674
[ Earl Narrating ]
Before we knew it,
the big day was here.

156
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:31,244
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Baby Crying ]

157
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,821
Joy?
Yeah, sweetie?

158
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:45,492
Earl Junior's--
Earl Junior's a little dark.

159
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,728
[ Crying Continues ]

160
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:52,065
Maybe the cord was wrapped
around his neck. Sometimes
they get a little blue.

161
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,735
No, no. He's--
He's darker than blue.

162
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,705
He's-- He's black.

163
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:01,575
Oh, my God.
I have read about this.

164
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:07,447
This can happen when a man
has a repressed black
genie in his body.

165
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:11,218
I bet your
great-great-great-grandmother
snuck out to the barn...

166
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:15,022
and let a slave get in
a few licks of his own,
if you know what I'm sayin'.

167
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,725
Excuse me!
Oh, it's all right.
I can say that.

168
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,827
I just had a black baby.

169
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:28,135
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't
know what my great-great-great-
grandmother was into sexually,

170
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,705
but my mind was tellin' me to
have doubts about Joy's theory,

171
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:34,742
so I consulted a professional.

172
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:39,146
Uh, 'cause we're both
white, so I don't know--
Is this really possible?

173
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,649
I mean, as a doctor,
what do you think
happened here?

174
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:46,519
Sir, nine months ago
your wife cheated on you
with a black fellow.

175
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:50,357
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out my mind was right.

176
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:54,061
And as soon as the doctor
confirmed what I feared
was true,

177
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:57,665
my mind must've told my eyes,
because they took the news
pretty hard.

178
00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:02,235
[ Claps Hands ]
Congratulations, daddy!

179
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:07,140
[ Squeals ]
Oh, emotional day,
isn't it?

180
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:10,210
Which one is he?
Where is my grandson?

181
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,980
Uh, he's, uh--
Well, let's see.
Uh, where is he?

182
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,716
Here he is. Yep.
That's him right there--
the white one.

183
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,618
Oh, look at him.
Whoo-hoo.

184
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:23,356
It's like God took a cherub
from heaven and stamped your
face on it, Carl.

185
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,060
You've done it, Earl.
You've kept the Hickey
name alive.

186
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:35,703
[ Laughs ]
That's my boy.
Hi.

187
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:42,542
[ Laughing, Muttering ]

188
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:45,512
Who's that?

189
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:49,516
That... is the woman
who's sharing a room
with Joy.

190
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,752
Yeah, she loves Earl Junior.
It's crazy.

191
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,654
She just had her own child,
but she can't keep her
hands off Earl Junior.

192
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:58,258
[ Laughs ]

193
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,830
That's a little
out of line.

194
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:13,140
It's the black one,
isn't it?
Yeah.

195
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,510
Apparently,
I'm not the father
of this kid either.

196
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:21,181
Well, this was fun
while it lasted.

197
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:24,985
I want my Indian teeth
rattle back.

198
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:27,587
[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]

199
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,423
I'll wash our shirts
and give 'em to Joy.

200
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,993
I suppose that she can
give 'em to her parents...

201
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:38,165
after she fills in
the little baby face
with a Sharpie.

202
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,870
[ Sobbing ]

203
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,646
At least the first
"igellitimate" child was
the same color as me.

204
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,649
We could all walk
through the mall together
and pass for a family.

205
00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:00,287
Now everyone's gonna stare.
I'm a clown, Randy.
I'm a damn clown.

206
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,389
But people like clowns.
Hey, wait a sec.

207
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,825
If we all painted our faces
like clowns all the time,

208
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,127
no one would ever know
Earl Junior wasn't yours.

209
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,396
Can we? Can we paint
our faces like clowns?

210
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,232
Randy, we're not paintin'
our faces like clowns.

211
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:15,903
People will still stare.
And if it rained,
we'd be screwed.

212
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,071
Nope, there's only
one thing to do.

213
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,809
I'm gonna go to the trailer
and get all our stuff.

214
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,044
I'm not gonna raise somebody
else's kids anymore.

215
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:28,115
If she wants a father
for those kids, she's gonna go
and have to find the real ones.

216
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,350
Hey, Earl.

217
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,823
What's up with Earl?
I said, "Hey, Earl," and he
didn't say, "Hey, Crabman."

218
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,125
Joy had her baby,
and it came out black.

219
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,692
Huh?

220
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,396
Yeah. For a second there,
we were all gonna get
to dress up like clowns,

221
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,499
but that didn't work out
the way I'd hoped.

222
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,768
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

223
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:51,839
Wow. Does Earl know
who the real father is?

224
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:56,343
No. But he's pretty mad.
He went to get all our stuff.
We're leavin' her.

225
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,813
Leaving? What about Joy
and the kids? Who's gonna
take care of them?

226
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,083
Earl said
their real daddy can.
What if the real daddy can't?

227
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,618
What if things are complicated
with the real daddy right now?

228
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,288
What if Joy doesn't seem
to love the real daddy anymore,

229
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:11,058
and the real daddy's
fiscal instability, volatile
living conditions...

230
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,293
and possible secret identity
doesn't lend itself...

231
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,163
to creating an environment
that's conducive to raising
a child right now?

232
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,001
Are all those words English,
or are you making 'em up?

233
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,236
'Cause I made up a word
last week-- "farnicerous."

234
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,272
I don't know
what it means yet.

235
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,910
[ Earl Narrating ]
So, while Joy was still
in the hospital,

236
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,445
I packed up all the good stuff
and headed out.

237
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,048
All right. I put Bengay
in all her bra cups.

238
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,350
Good. Did you do
what I asked you to do
with her toothbrush?

239
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,053
Yeah. I gotta say
it's not very comfortable.

240
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,190
Randy, you're
supposed to put it back.

241
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:48,929
Ohhh. Okay.

242
00:13:56,469 --> 00:14:00,007
[ Engine Sputtering ]

243
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:01,608
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since we didn't have
any money...

244
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,177
and none of our friends
would let us stay with 'em,

245
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,846
there was only one place
we could go--

246
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,982
back to Mom and Dad's.

247
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:12,152
It's so exciting.
My boys are back.

248
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,621
Your room is exactly
the way you left it.

249
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,291
Merlin.
We meet again.

250
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,429
I've been practicing
my tic-tac-toe for just
this day, my friend.

251
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,998
You still have my gerbils?
[ Squeaking ]

252
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,167
And then some.

253
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,303
Whoa! Which two
are Lenny and Squiggy?

254
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,505
Who knows?
After you moved out,

255
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:36,009
Lenny started humpin'
Squiggy, and they've been
multiplyin' ever since.

256
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:39,312
That's funny.
Lenny humpin' Squiggy.
[ Beeping ]

257
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,049
Did you know they were
gay gerbils when you named 'em?

258
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:45,185
[ Earl Narrating ]
Learning Squiggy had been
violated by Lenny was a shock,

259
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:48,655
but bein' in my old room
and seein' my old pets was nice.

260
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:53,260
At least I was still
kind of a father to somethin'.
[ Tapping Glass ]

261
00:14:56,663 --> 00:15:01,301
[ Boy On TV ]
Go on. Go on. Go on!
What are you doin' here?

262
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:04,237
We moved back in.
Mom said it was cool.

263
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,240
No. No, it's not cool. Kay?

264
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,743
Her and Randy went to go pick up
a bucket of chicken.

265
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:14,114
She said she was gonna get
all white meat to make me feel
better about my situation.

266
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,984
You can't just move back in.
We don't have the room.

267
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,186
Where are your kids
gonna sleep?

268
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,688
I don't have any kids.
Well, where's your wife?

269
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,858
Still at the hospital,
probably startin' to figure out
I left her cheatin' ass.

270
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,629
That or she's bangin'
an Asian doctor, tryin' to get
one of everything.

271
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,931
Okay.

272
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,435
I see.

273
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:39,772
Son, I know you're upset
because he's not your kid.

274
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,475
I was upset
he wasn't my grandson.

275
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:45,478
And you've got
every right to get mad.

276
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:49,816
So stay here
for a couple hours, get drunk,
punch a bunch of pillows--

277
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:53,253
Your mom's got 18
of the damn things on the bed.
Take your pick.

278
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,124
But then you gotta
do the right thing.
You gotta go back.

279
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,459
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, right.

280
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,961
Earl, I'm serious.

281
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,331
I'm not gonna let you
walk away from this...

282
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:07,134
like I've let you walk away
from everything else
in your life.

283
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,070
I'm not gonna do it anymore.
When you were growing up,

284
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,372
it was always easier
to let you quit stuff...

285
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,541
and not force you
to stick with it.

286
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,809
Piano lessons, baseball.

287
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:19,746
You brought home that damn lamp
you were supposed to make...

288
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:23,616
in eighth grade
industrial arts class, and it
doesn't even have a cord in it.

289
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,518
It's a stump with a shade.

290
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,620
Dad, you know I'm scared
of electricity.

291
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:31,691
As your father, I should've
made you finish it,
but I didn't.

292
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:35,662
I got three generations
of gerbils in there because
I let you walk away from 'em.

293
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,898
I messed up. I'm not gonna
let that happen again.

294
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:42,001
And these aren't gerbils
you're walkin' away from
this time.

295
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:45,472
They're people--
people who need you.

296
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,842
Look, I-I know
it's not gonna be easy.

297
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:55,482
But I promise if you go back,
eventually you'll realize
it's the right thing to do.

298
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,387
Nope.

299
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,555
Excuse me?

300
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,125
- I'm not doin' it.
- Yes, you are!

301
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,460
- Says who?
- Says me!

302
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,531
I'm doing what I should've done
a long time ago and forcing you
to stick with something.

303
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,966
Now go take care
of your family.

304
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,569
What happens if I don't?

305
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,671
I'll do something.

306
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,774
What? What are you
gonna do, Dad? Spank me?

307
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,876
I'm not 17 anymore.

308
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:27,614
Okay. All right.
Okay. All right.

309
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,316
You're right.

310
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,220
There's nothing I can do.

311
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,423
That's right.
I'm a grown man.

312
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,392
You don't tell me what to do.
Tucked-in shirts.

313
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:43,263
Dad, what the hell
are you doin'?

314
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,099
I'm gonna kill your gerbils!
Dad, give me my gerbils!

315
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,701
Not until you go back
to your family.

316
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,770
Dad, this isn't funny!

317
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,706
I'm gonna throw 'em
out the window!
I'm not kidding!

318
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:59,212
Dad, cut it out.
You're not gonna kill
the gerbils.

319
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:03,683
I'm gonna do what I have to do
to get you to stick with
something for once in your life!

320
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,454
If that means I have to smash
a few gerbils, then I'm gonna
smash a few gerbils.

321
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,290
Fine. Throw a gerbil.
I dare you.

322
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,528
See? I knew you wouldn't.

323
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,333
- Son of a bitch!
- [ Gerbil Squeaking ]

324
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,870
Dad, what the hell
are you doin'?

325
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,207
- You gonna go take care
of your family?
- She cheated on me!

326
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,977
Sorry, buddy.
She cheated on him.

327
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,646
Oh, my God.
[ Grunts ]

328
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,051
[ Tires Screech ]
Oh, dear.

329
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,188
[ Gerbil Squeaking ]

330
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:45,625
[ Grunting ]

331
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:49,196
Your father's blood sugar
must be low again.
Carl, eat an orange!

332
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:51,331
- Eat an orange!
- [ Groans ]

333
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:55,868
Dad! Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
I'll go back.

334
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:59,772
Just stop throwin' the gerbils.
My hands are full, and they pee
when they're scared.

335
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,375
- You promise you'll go back?
- I'll go back.

336
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,977
Good. I'm gonna
hold onto Squiggy...

337
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,913
in case you change
your mind.

338
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:11,083
- [ Car Door Closes ]
- I wanna play! Dad, hit me!
I'm open!

339
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:15,121
[ Earl Narrating ] So I went
back to my cheatin' wife
and two "igellitimate" kids.

340
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:19,526
What can I say?
Love those damn gerbils.

341
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:24,631
And even though I stayed married
for possibly the craziest reason
anyone has ever stayed married,

342
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:28,468
it didn't take me long
to realize what my dad
was talkin' about.

343
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:32,372
* Together we learn
to read and write *

344
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:34,774
* A child is black *

345
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,909
* A child is white *
These people did need me.

346
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:41,548
* The whole world looks
upon the sight *

347
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,384
I wasn't the best dad,
but at least I was a dad.

348
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,519
* A beautiful sight *

349
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,389
Earl Junior's real dad hadn't
forgotten about him either.

350
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:52,392
And eventually Joy fell back
into the arms of Darnell...

351
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:55,295
'cause, well, that's where
her heart wanted to be.

352
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,630
** [ Continues ]

353
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,437
And when Darnell
was finally ready to be
a husband and a father,

354
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:07,307
Joy and the kids
didn't need me anymore.

355
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,809
But when they did need me,
I was there.

356
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,812
It was the only good thing
I ever did before I made
the list.

357
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,416
And I owe it all to my dad
for not lettin' me give up.

358
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:20,720
* Together they grow
to see the light *

359
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:25,024
* To see the light *
Check it out, Dad.
It's got a cord.

360
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,994
* The world is black *

361
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,196
* The world is white *

362
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,332
* It turns by day *

363
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:35,535
* And then by night *
That sure is a nice lamp
your boy made, isn't it?

364
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,371
* A child is black
A child is white *

365
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:41,274
Yeah, it sure is.
* Together they grow *

366
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:44,176
* To see the light *

367
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:49,148
* To see the light **

368
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:52,985
[ Gasping, Screaming ]