1 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:04,838 [ Earl Narrating ] Every year, on my birthday, Randy wakes up early... 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,576 to make me breakfast in bed. 3 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,646 Unfortunately, he's not used to being up early, and falls right back asleep. 4 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:16,117 [ Snoring ] Randy. 5 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,018 The thing I was most happy to celebrate... 6 00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:21,222 was not bein' the third person at the motel to be killed in a bed fire. 7 00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:24,792 Another thing I was celebratin' was doin' more good things this year... 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,760 than I had in my entire life, 9 00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,830 like helpin' a gay guy come out of the closet, 10 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,799 returning a nun to her holy place, 11 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,734 un-ruining a wedding, 12 00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:36,870 and helpin' some freaks jump back into the world. 13 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,073 Lookin' back on the year made me feel pretty proud of myself. 14 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,342 Is there gum in these pancakes? 15 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,344 Yeah. I put all your favorite things in there. 16 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,746 There's beer and gummy worms. 17 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,815 And you know that button that came off your yellow shirt? 18 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,819 I put that in there too, kinda as a joke, but I think one of us already ate it. 19 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,455 Happy birthday. Thanks, Randy. 20 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:57,558 I really think this is gonna be a happy birthday. Oh! 21 00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,561 Found the button. 22 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,131 My name is Earl. 23 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,470 [ Earl Narrating ] This birthday felt different than other ones. 24 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:12,106 And not just 'cause I didn't start drinkin' at noon. 25 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:14,342 I had gone a whole year doin' good things, 26 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,477 and Randy was throwin' me a party to celebrate. 27 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,812 Thanks for the button. It's a good size. 28 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,948 I have a customer at Club Chubby who makes them. 29 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:25,052 It's not a great business, so he has to tip me for his lap dances with buttons. 30 00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,888 Look at the cake I got. It was half price. 31 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:31,325 Who's Gary? Some guy at the Department of Water and Power... 32 00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:33,627 who was standin' in some water when he touched some power. 33 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,063 He's gonna be fine, but they postponed the retirement party. 34 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,098 We're invited. "No gifts, please." 35 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,134 Good. I wouldn't have known what to get him. 36 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,102 It's an ice-cream cake. 37 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,572 That's your favorite kind of cake because it's got ice cream in the middle, 38 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,607 just like your favorite kind of truck does. 39 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,510 You know, an ice-cream truck. I do love ice-cream trucks. 40 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:54,448 Remember how much fun we used to have with that ice-cream truck in the trailer park? 41 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,752 [ Earl Narrating ] A few years ago, I was into some show where guys acted like jackasses. 42 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,954 I think it was called Dumbass. [ Snoring ] 43 00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:05,393 Anyway, when my neighbor's cable got shut off, I had to entertain myself. 44 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,796 ** [ Ice-Cream Truck Loudspeaker ] 45 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:11,332 [ Rope Stretching ] 46 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,204 But the tricks didn't stop there. 47 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:20,374 I found lots of other fun ways to wake Randy up. 48 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:23,143 [ Vacuum Suctioning ] Oh, God! Oh, God! What's happening? 49 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,613 What's happening? Oh, God! What's happening? 50 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,419 [ Gasps ] 51 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,524 Nice try, Earl. Pee is warm. 52 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,727 - Yep. - ** [ Ice-Cream Truck Loudspeaker ] 53 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,230 [ Rope Stretching ] 54 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,035 Listen, I'm sorry. It's on my list, 55 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:51,539 but tonight's not about what's still on my list, it's about what I've crossed off. 56 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,608 It's been a good year, Randy. I'm gonna go mingle. 57 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:58,412 Hey, Pickled Egg Guy. Lookin' good. 58 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,915 Nice hat, African American Cowboy. 59 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,818 Hey, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop. How's the English comin'? 60 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,921 I speak better than you, bitch. [ Chuckles ] 61 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:13,394 There you go, Willie. See that, Mom? I help people. 62 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:17,064 Earl, I was just telling One-Eyed William about the time you peed on my brand-new rug. 63 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,567 [ Laughing ] What a story. 64 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,635 There's no way you'd remember that. 65 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,238 [ Earl Narrating ] Mom was right. I didn't remember. 66 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:28,576 But I'd heard about it enough times to know what it was. [ Giggling ] 67 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:32,079 Now, you come back here and get this diaper on, Mr. Silly Pants. 68 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,047 [ Door Opening ] Oh. 69 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:37,751 I think I hear your daddy comin' back from his night out with his friends. 70 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,622 Earl, what are you doing? 71 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,258 Not on the rug! What are you doin' in the bathroom? 72 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,060 Son, this is not the bathroom! Shut the door, Mom. 73 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,397 My living room's not a toilet! 74 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,103 That's a good story, Mom, but that was bad Earl. 75 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,572 I was kinda hopin' we could focus on good Earl tonight. 76 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,641 You know, the one who fixes things. 77 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,610 Well, there's only been one year of good Earl. 78 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,978 I'm not sure we'd have enough to talk about. [ Chuckles ] 79 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,951 Hey, Willie, why don't you show my mom what's under your patch. 80 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,857 Oh, God. It looks like there's a little raisin in there. 81 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:21,962 Hey, look, Earl. I'm an alcoholic hamster. 82 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,666 You gotta do that for Mr. Turtle. He's gonna laugh and laugh. 83 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,068 Hey, Randy was just tellin' me about the pranks you used to pull. 84 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,572 Yeah, yeah, I know. I've done some bad things. I'm aware of that. 85 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,342 I've written 'em down. But I've done some good things too. 86 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,378 I raised your son for five years. Let's not forget about that. 87 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,413 Oh, I remember. 88 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,351 Although it's a miracle I remember anything after that time you got me stoned. 89 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,489 [ Earl Narrating ] Before Darnell was making his famous lemon squares, 90 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:52,493 he used to make some pretty famous brownies and sell 'em on Thursday nights. 91 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:59,032 It bein' the Crab Shack, the only brownies that sold were the $5 ones. 92 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:02,636 Me and Randy weren't into pot, but we were into money. 93 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:10,010 [ Chuckles ] My man. Hook me up. 94 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:13,113 [ Earl Narrating ] The plan was for me and Randy to buy all the 25-cent brownies... 95 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:16,149 at the end of the night and sell 'em somewhere else. 96 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:21,121 Like every Thursday night, the quarter brownies didn't sell. 97 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,492 And also like every Thursday night, me and Randy drank so much, 98 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,894 we passed out on the pool table. 99 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,798 So we never got a chance to buy the real pot brownies. 100 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,033 I'm glad the regular brownies didn't sell. 101 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:37,037 That way, me and my grandmoms can eat all these brownies and play Scrabble tonight. 102 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,307 We share a sweet tooth and a love of language. 103 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,910 [ Earl Narrating ] And I certainly didn't mean to get him stoned like this. 104 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:46,480 Hey, man. You sold us pot brownies with no pot in them. 105 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,617 I just sat through dinner with my parents straight. 106 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,585 I haven't done that since I was 13! 107 00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,221 I listened to a whole Phish album! 108 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,957 And it sucked! 109 00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:01,094 [ Narrating ] I certainly didn't want it to happen like this. Ow! 110 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,930 It was Biblical. 111 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,333 Okay, then. Uh, I'm gonna go fire up the karaoke. 112 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,770 [ Narrating ] Even though the crowd wasn't nearly drunk enough to make karaoke entertaining, 113 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:13,607 I knew it would at least stop people from reminding me of all the bad stuff I'd done. 114 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:16,677 Okay, uh, who wants to go first? 115 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:21,381 Maybe sing, uh, I don't know, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"? 116 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:24,184 Donny Jones. Can you come sing for us? 117 00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:28,355 - Oh, I don't know. - Anything you want. What would Jesus sing? 118 00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:31,792 ** [ Rock ] This is for my good friend, Earl Hickey, 119 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,528 who went to great lengths to get my mom to quit smokin'... 120 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,330 so we could spend more precious years together. 121 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:42,803 - [ Cheering ] - He also got me seriously injured by a potted fern. 122 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:47,741 Still waitin' for you to make up for that one, buddy. [ Chuckles ] 123 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,679 * You're a pot-breaker fern-shaker, scar-maker * 124 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,014 * Don't you mess around with me * 125 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,989 ** [ Rock ] * Oh, yeah * 126 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:07,060 * You're a blood-taker face-raker, frown-maker * 127 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,429 * Get that fern away No, no, no * 128 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,966 [ Narrating ] It was bad enough people were tellin' me about the terrible stuff I had done. 129 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:17,237 Now Donny was singin' about how I almost got him killed by a fern. 130 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:21,174 I didn't set out to get Donny hurt. I set out to help a pregnant Joy... 131 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,544 who wasn't feelin' good about how she looked. 132 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,646 What are you hens cluckin' about? 133 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,248 Some more of that blue ice drop from the sky again? 134 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,318 I swear, those pilots see a trailer park and just pull the chute. 135 00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:33,887 There's a Peeping Tom runnin' around. 136 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,389 Mm-hmm. He likes to watch people do it. 137 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,526 He saw Jill doin' it with Doug. 138 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,928 He saw Karen doin' it with clamps on her nubbies. 139 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:44,064 Hey! That's okay. He saw me doin' it with clamps on my nubbies too. 140 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,099 Thanks for lettin' me borrow your nubbie clamps. 141 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:49,136 No attractive woman is safe. I'm sure he's peeped you too, Joy. 142 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:52,640 Oh, yeah. He's at my window all the time... 143 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,909 'cause I'm so pregnant and... hot. 144 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,046 Oh, no! 145 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,749 I left my binoculars and a six-pack of beer... 146 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,519 on the comfy chair right outside our window! 147 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:09,356 But I'm just too horny now to go and get them! 148 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:12,125 You put my comfy chair outside? 149 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:17,197 I had to, Earl. There's a perv out there not peepin' on me, 150 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,700 and I want him peepin' on me, even if it takes all night. 151 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,702 I went to Spencer's Gifts and got us some crazy stuff, 152 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,704 but we're gonna have to do it near an outlet. 153 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:27,675 [ Narrating ] I knew no matter what we did and no matter what weird gadgets Joy bought, 154 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,677 that perv wasn't gonna show up... 155 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,979 'cause that perv was me. 156 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,582 But I wasn't actually peepin' on people. 157 00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,984 I'd seen some kids playing in a big-screen TV box, 158 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,220 and was tryin' to find out who bought it so I could steal it. 159 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,725 [ Screaming ] 160 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,560 [ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't gonna tell Joy it was me... 161 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,897 'cause I went from havin' zero sex with a tired, pregnant woman... 162 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:53,000 to havin' lots of sex with an angry, pregnant woman on a mission. 163 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,836 We're gonna do stuff from the Kama Sutra, 164 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,005 where I sit cross-legged and wiggle... 165 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,575 while you hold it for two hours, like Sting does. 166 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:06,580 Get that oil out. We're not stoppin' this love bus until the baby tugs on the cord. 167 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,382 It's time for spankings. But not for our kids. 168 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,885 We're good parents. We use time-outs. 169 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:16,556 It's time for Mama's spanking, 'cause I've been a bad girl! 170 00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,425 [ Earl Narrating ] It was fun at first. 171 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,028 But after a week of still not gettin' peeped at, she gave up. 172 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,196 I got the sex swing bolted back in the ceiling. 173 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:27,735 This time I'm sure I hit a stud. That makes two studs in the house. 174 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,671 Forget it, Earl. He doesn't care about me. 175 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:34,675 I mean, how bad do you have to be to get passed over by a trailer-park perv? 176 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:42,182 Well, maybe if we brought another girl in, that might do the trick. 177 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:49,356 [ Earl Narrating ] Layin' there, horny on the ground, I knew I had to come up with a plan. 178 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:54,161 So I paid my friend Donny Jones to peep and run. I knew he'd be perfect, 179 00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,064 'cause even when he just looked at women normal, it creeped 'em out. 180 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,838 Hey! It's him! 181 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,174 He's peepin' me! He's peepin' me! 182 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,944 [ Earl Narrating ] The peep part worked out fine. The runnin' part didn't. 183 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,280 Ow! Ow! 184 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:16,316 This is for peepin' me before I finished Jenny Craig! 185 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,688 I forgot about that fern thing. 186 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:23,691 Donny showed me where he's got a piece of that terra-cotta underneath his scalp. 187 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,226 It's, like, this big, shaped like Texas. 188 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,062 It's half that big, okay? And he should be thankin' me. 189 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,765 It's the only thing he has to talk about, other than his Bible. 190 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,001 Besides, the whole thing started with me tryin'... 191 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:37,037 to make you feel better about yourself when you were pregnant. 192 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,206 Please. You were horrible. 193 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,409 If I hadn't been carrying another man's baby, I would've left you. 194 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,178 ** [ Rock ] 195 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:49,182 [ Man ] * I was just a skinny lad * 196 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,251 Come on. 197 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,755 [ Man ] * But I knew life before I left my nursery * 198 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,990 Whoa! [ Laughing ] 199 00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,993 Come on. 200 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,229 * She was such a naughty nanny * 201 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:06,967 * Heap big woman You made a bad boy out of me * 202 00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,669 * Oh, won't you take me home tonight * 203 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:12,139 Come on. 204 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:16,309 * Oh, and you give it all you got * 205 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,246 - Hey, fatty. - * Fat-bottomed girls * 206 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,449 - Come on. - * You make the rockin' world go round ** 207 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:27,888 Look, I'm sorry. How many "G's" in "pregnant"? 208 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,957 What do I look like, a professor of spellin'? 209 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,459 Just put it on there, and do it soon. 210 00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,829 Whoa. 211 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,465 Not before you do number 86. 212 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,700 That one was way worse. 213 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,870 [ Earl Narrating ] Eighty-six was a bad one. 214 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:45,238 It was Ladies Night at the Crab Shack, 215 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:49,109 which meant me and Randy were usin' some of our best moves. 216 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,780 Hi, I'm Randy. Are you drunk enough to go home with me? 217 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,318 Yep. 218 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,190 You got great boobs, Peggy. 219 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,325 My name's Didi. 220 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,327 You got great boobs, Didi. 221 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,198 Your mama sure raised a sweet talker. 222 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,333 [ Earl Narrating ] Everything seemed normal, [ Snoring ] 223 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,003 until the next morning. 224 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,439 I'm gonna make us some coffee. 225 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,946 But when Didi got out of bed, one of her legs didn't go with her. 226 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:33,253 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God! 227 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,023 Oh, my God! Do you want me to whip up some eggs? 228 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,359 Shut up! I'm thinkin'! I mean, sure. 229 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,765 Earl, can you come in here and give me a hand? 230 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,236 A hand? There was a hand? [ Whimpers ] 231 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,338 [ Earl Narrating ] I wanted out of there fast, 232 00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,740 but I had paid for Didi's drinks all night, 233 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,977 and I thought I deserved a refund. 234 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,781 Earl, do you mind-- 235 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,417 You son of a bitch! 236 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,888 [ Grunts ] Wait! 237 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:12,125 Uh, uh, stand back! Stand back! [ Screams ] 238 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:16,263 You said you loved me! 239 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,131 [ Ricochet ] 240 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:22,269 - [ Glass Clinking ] - Everyone, can I get your attention, please? 241 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,839 I'd like to give a toast to my son, the man of the hour. 242 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,875 Stand up, Earl. 243 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,279 I am so proud of the man you've become. 244 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,714 [ Earl Narrating ] I never would've expected my dad to be the one... 245 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,616 who finally turned my night around. 246 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:40,087 Because, boy, you were a pain in the ass. It turns out he wasn't. 247 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,656 Remember the time you almost got me divorced? 248 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,326 [ Earl Narrating ] Dad wasn't always in a good mood when he came home from work. 249 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,361 Earl, get your feet off the table. 250 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,065 [ Boys Laughing ] 251 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:55,535 - I said get 'em off. - They're not on the table. Look. 252 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,371 Yeah? 253 00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,441 Well, let's see you put your feet on it now? 254 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,781 Oh, you think that's funny? 255 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,051 [ Chattering On TV ] 256 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:18,491 Ah, enjoy your cartoons now. [ Cackles ] 257 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,429 Man, your dad is a jerk. 258 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,564 [ Earl Narrating ] I thought my dad was a jerk too. 259 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:28,801 In fact, I wished Dad was more like my friend Eric's mom. 260 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,904 [ Chattering On TV ] 261 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,406 Oh, hi, babies. 262 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,375 How are you? 263 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:39,346 Oh, you are so handsome, all of you, like little men. 264 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,982 Oh, no, no, no, don't move your feet, don't move your feet. 265 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,051 Now, let's see. 266 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:47,154 This little piggy went to the market, 267 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,358 and this little piggy went, uh-- 268 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,265 Oh, he went somewhere else. 269 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,569 Hey, why are we not dancing? 270 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,837 Oh! 271 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,806 Your mom is so cool. 272 00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,542 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't get how drinkin' made Eric's mom so happy. 273 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,346 My dad drank too, but he never wanted to dance. 274 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,183 Then I saw she had a secret formula. 275 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,387 Mmm. 276 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,659 Did you tell your brother he could eat all the pigs out of the blankets? 277 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,928 What are we supposed to do with all these blankets? 278 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:32,665 Our friends are gonna think we're so poor we can't afford the pigs. 279 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,969 [ Earl Narrating ] Even at his own anniversary party, Dad was grouchy. 280 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,438 But luckily, I stole some pills from Eric's mom. 281 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:49,682 A little while later, my dad went from unhappy to a little too happy. 282 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:55,722 Uh-oh. There's a goose on the loose! [ Quacking ] 283 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,925 [ Quacking ] [ Gasps ] 284 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,761 [ Quacking Continues ] 285 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,831 - Ooo-ooh! - [ Screams ] 286 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,733 Hey, everybody! 287 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:11,604 What do you say we have ourselves a little key party? 288 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:17,644 Kay's wanted to be with a black man ever since she saw Roots. Shh! 289 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,646 Hey, come on, Perry. Come over here. 290 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:23,050 Cough up some keys. I want to get a shot at your fine wife. [ Chuckles ] 291 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,653 No, wait. No fat chicks. 292 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,689 Just kidding! I love fat chicks! [ Chuckles ] 293 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,691 Mini-quiche? 294 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,097 I slept on the couch for a week after that party. 295 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:40,200 That's when my back problems started. Thanks for that one too, Son. 296 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:44,304 [ Earl Narrating ] My celebration had turned into the birthday that wouldn't end. 297 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:47,840 And Earl left me with one turntable and no microphone. 298 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,742 It's on the list. 299 00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:54,647 [ Synthesized Voice ] Then he made a wish and threw a penny in my hole. 300 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:59,886 [ Crowd Groans ] 165, and I'll never drink cinnamon schnapps again. 301 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,723 He stole my left front hubcap, he stole my right front hubcap, 302 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,527 he slept with my sister, he stole my right rear hubcap. 303 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,430 I gotta get some air. 304 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:14,934 He stole my left windshield wiper, he stole my right windshield wiper, 305 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,704 he stole the pine tree air freshener. 306 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:21,341 [ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't just gettin' air. I was goin' home. I'd had enough. 307 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:25,845 I realized I'd been wrong to expect everyone to make a big fuss about me and my list. 308 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:30,883 Well, I guess the only person that was gonna pat me on the back was me. 309 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,854 And then I saw the last person in the world I wanted to see come hoppin' towards me. 310 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:38,125 - Earl! - Unbelievable. 311 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,394 Hi, Didi. Uh, I was gonna call you. 312 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,533 Wait! 313 00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:48,701 You son of a bitch! 314 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,511 [ Grunting ] 315 00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:04,584 [ Grunting ] 316 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,092 [ Moans ] Mother, mother, mother, mother! 317 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,198 Come on! 318 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,337 - [ All ] Surprise! - Happy birthday! 319 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,539 - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! 320 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,809 - Surprise, Earl! It was all a prank! - Huh? 321 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,912 We thought trickin' you would be funny, like when you tied that rope to my foot. 322 00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,682 But instead of rope, it was mean words about things you've done... 323 00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:39,252 that made you want to hate yourself. Well, it worked. 324 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,554 - It was all my idea. - You gotta admit, it was funny. 325 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,557 - [ Imitating Earl ] I mean, come on. - [ All Laughing ] 326 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:49,629 We were about to let you in on it, but you went off with your panties in a wad. 327 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,465 Happy birthday. What are you doin'? 328 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,534 Crossin' off the key party incident. 329 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,869 Nobody knew what to get you for your birthday. 330 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,906 Yeah, they stopped makin' those flannel shirts in 1991. 331 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,175 [ All Laughing ] 332 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:05,912 So we figured the best idea was we each pick a thing and cross it off your list. 333 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,948 Randy, cross off the piddle-on-the-rug one for me, would you? 334 00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:13,253 You've done a lot of good things this past year. We're real proud of you, Son. 335 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,455 I-I-I don't know what to say. 336 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,624 Hey, Earl, can I give you your cake now? 337 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:21,160 The wind from the bullet hole in the wall keeps blowin' out the candle. 338 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,095 Don't forget to make a wish. [ Pounding On Door ] 339 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,298 [ Didi ] Earl, open the door! 340 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,435 - Is Didi in on this? - No. 341 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,538 [ Earl Narrating ] I had tried to make up to Didi before, and I will again. 342 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,606 But tonight was not the time. 343 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:37,544 So what I wished for was for Didi to go away. 344 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:44,050 And after 30 minutes of waitin'-- [ Glass Shattering ] 345 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:48,054 And a brick through the El Camino window-- [ Car Alarm Blaring ] 346 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,257 [ Car Alarm Beeps Off ] 347 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,459 She's gone! 348 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,928 Now, who's ready to get this party started right? 349 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:03,270 ** [ Rap ] 350 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,279 [ Man On Record ] * Aw, dig it * 351 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,150 * Cold cooling at a bar * 352 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,986 * And I'm lookin' for some action * 353 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,424 [ Earl Narrating ] This was exactly the way I pictured my birthday happening. 354 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:27,960 * The girls are all around but none of them want to get with me * 355 00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:31,398 [ Earl Narrating ] Well, except how Dad was freakin' on Mom. 356 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:39,238 And like all my birthdays, I eventually got drunk enough to break-dance. 357 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,674 [ All ] Go, Earl. Go, Earl. 358 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,810 It's your birthday. It's your birthday. 359 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,878 Go, Earl. Go, Earl. 360 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,814 It's your birthday. It's your birthday. 361 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,617 Go, Earl. Go, Earl. 362 00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,452 It's your birthday. It's your birthday. 363 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,687 Go, Earl. Go, Earl. 364 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,023 It's your birthday. It's your birthday.