My name is Earl.
Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Abernathy.
I hope the retirement trailer park community is everything you saved for.
Oh, it will be. Golden Endings is supposed to be lovely.
They say there's a bunny living there.
[ Earl Narrating ] We hadn't seen Mrs. Abernathy in six months,
and I thought she was already dead, so I was happy to see her alive.
They're gonna die soon, aren't they, Earl?
At least they'll be near a bunny.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was also happy to see her leave, 'cause that allowed me...
to do number 52 on my list--
dig up and return the buried treasure.
It all started back when me and Joy were married.
Some families all get together and play Scrabble.
But since we couldn't spell, we would just go stealin'.
We steal enough stuff tonight, I'm gettin' a motorcycle. No, you're not.
Yeah, I am. You're not gettin' a motorcycle, dummy.
You broke your collarbone tryin' to drive the kids' Big Wheel.
No one ever talks about how I made it one mile down the highway on that Big Wheel.
They only talk about the collarbone.
[ Earl Narrating ] We were bored of robbin' our usual places,
like the hardware store or my dad's house,
so we chose a place we'd never been before:
The library. [ Joy ] Come on. Let's get to stealin'.
Can I stay back here and be lookout? Why?
I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts.
They might as well make books out of knives.
When I start cryin', Joy's gonna make fun of me.
You know, like how she does because I can't snap.
Are you comin' or not? Randy's gonna stay here and be our lookout.
Great. Hey, if you see somebody comin', just snap. [ Chuckling ]
Seriously, though, you need to give us a little whistle.
[ Faint Whistling ]
[ Spits ] Damn.
[ Earl Narrating ] In Camden County, the library was also the museum,
so you could actually learn stuff there,
instead of just readin' books.
I learned that day the official bird of Camden was the peacock.
And since it wasn't nailed down, I took it.
Randy, peacock!
Oh, snap! Check it out.
Fancy forks and spoons.
Wow, this one's got holes rotted through it.
Nice. All cereal, no milk.
Wait!
Now that we got fancy silverware, I want us to eat like civilized human beings.
- Join hands. - Are we gonna dance?
No, dummy. We're gonna say grace.
Earl, deliver our blessing.
[ Clears Throat ] Uh, Lord,
uh, thank you for allowing us to steal such nice silverware.
Uh, we promise to take good care of it...
as we use it to eat all your creatures.
- [ All ] Amen. - [ Man On TV ] The librarian is on the scene.
[ Gasps ] Check it out! Library's on TV.
They broke the beak clean off of Zucker, our peacock.
Plus, they stole the silverware that belonged to Philip C. Graber.
He was our famous Civil War general.
The silverware is worth $2,000.
[ Gasps ] We're rich!
And it's prominently marked with a "C." The police have been alerted.
"C" for "silverware." That's smart.
[ Earl Narrating ] So we took the silverware to Jasper to sell it,
but he had seen that old lady on the news too.
Sorry. It's too hot. And I can't give it to my silver guy...
'cause he got busted meltin' down a menorah.
They said it was a hate crime, but he just hated bein' poor.
[ Earl Narrating ] Since the silverware was too hot for Jasper,
the plan was to sit on it until things cooled off.
Randy dug the hole too big 'cause he got confused...
and thought we were burying Jasper.
But all the next day, I thought about gettin' a motorcycle.
If those fat twins from the world records book could each have one,
I didn't see why I couldn't.
So I came up with a plan.
Gotta poop.
I wrote a ransom note to the library, askin' for $2,000,
or I'd kill their silverware.
And to make 'em think I was a real sicko,
I even cut a nipple out of a nudie magazine and used it as a period.
[ Knocking ] [ Joy ] Earl, you've been in there 20 minutes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I thought I was done, and then round two.
I'm just as surprised as you are.
Just turn the damned fan on. Okay.
Damn it.
[ Earl Narrating ] I figured my ransom note would work a lot better...
if I could prove I had the hostage.
Luckily, I had stolen a camera the week before.
So I took a picture of the hostage,
and another one of two crickets humpin',
and then reburied the silverware. [ Shoveling ]
Fortunately for me, there was an unwritten rule at the trailer park.
If you see someone burying somethin' at night, you don't ask questions.
Lookin' back, I'm surprised Joy didn't figure out I was up to somethin'.
Mostly 'cause I'm a terrible liar.
Why are you so dirty?
- Horse. - Huh?
Rode a horse. Horses are dirty. I got dirty while ridin' it.
What's the big deal? You don't get to tell me when I ride a horse and when I don't.
Well, you can go ride on the couch tonight, Pigpen.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Joy kicked me out. If I had stayed in there any longer,
I was afraid the subject of the silverware would come up,
and that was the last thing I wanted to talk about.
Earl, listen, I got an idea about what we can do with the fancy forks.
Let me guess, Randy. A fork robot?
No-- Do you know how to make a fork robot?
And I'm lockin' this door. I don't want you sneakin' back in...
and tryin' to put your dirty hands all over me.
Women.
They sure are loud, huh, Earl?
Anyway, about the fancy forks-- Enough about the forks. I need some air.
[ Earl Narrating ] I dropped off my ransom note that night...
and Dotty found it the next morning.
It scared the pee-pee out of her, which at her age wasn't a hard thing to do.
So all I had to do was wait for Dotty to make the drop.
I told her to put two grand in a Chubby's Barbecue bag...
and leave it in the trash can outside the old train station.
[ Coughing ]
I had a close call when Joy drove by,
but that smoker's cough was better than a cowbell around her neck.
Dotty was right on time, as old people and librarians tend to be.
Lucky for me, she was both.
I was a smart enough criminal not to go for the money right away,
just in case anyone was watchin'.
I forgot to ask Randy what he was doin' following that guy with the tight striped pants.
It was at that point I decided to forget about the whole scheme.
- [ Siren Blaring ] - And don't worry, that homeless guy is on my list.
Especially since I've seen him around town, and he's still blue.
And lookin' back on it now, I realize karma must not have liked what I did,
'cause it tried to kill me with an explodin' bush.
Now that Joy's neighbors had moved away,
I could finally dig up the silverware and return it to the library.
There was only one problem.
I don't understand, Randy. I could swear this is where we buried the silverware.
[ Randy Narrating ] There was a reason Earl couldn't find that silverware,
and I knew what it was.
You know the kind of guy who likes hangin' out with his brother watchin' cartoons,
and also likes to touch things with his tongue?
Well, that's me. I'm also the kind of guy...
who likes hangin' out with his brother and watchin' cartoons.
Oh, wait, I already said that.
I also hold the Camden County record for starin' at the sun.
My name is Randy.
I could swear we buried the silverware right here.
Maybe someone from China dug and got it from the other end.
I just think maybe I'm off by a few feet.
[ Randy Narrating ] How did I know Earl wasn't gonna find that silverware?
I knew because I took it.
You're not gettin' a motorcycle. You broke your collarbone tryin' to drive the kids' Big Wheel.
[ Randy Narrating ] I was bummed that Joy wouldn't let Earl get a motorcycle,
'cause I always wanted to ride in a sidecar.
But I was even more bummed that Earl and Joy were fightin',
because when they fight, it always gives me a tummy ache.
But after we stole some fancy silverware from the library,
everyone started bein' happy again.
Randy, peacock! [ Screaming ]
[ Randy Narrating ] There was nothin' better than when everyone was gettin' along.
Except for when I was starin' at a spoon,
and a little tiny upside-down Randy with a crazy forehead was starin' back.
But it didn't last. We couldn't sell the silverware because it was too famous.
I guess we would've had the same problem if we stole that Webster kid from Diff'rent Strokes.
We went from everybody gettin' along to nobody talkin',
and that's when my tummy started to hurtin' again.
- I gotta poop. - I guess Earl's did too.
Whenever I was alone with Joy, it made me nervous. And when I get nervous--
I gotta pee.
After I got away from Joy, I went to meet up with Darnell for what I call "idea time."
Nerf sidewalks. That's what I'm talkin' about.
That is man I was telling you about. That guy stole silverware?
He is not brains of operation.
Oh. He's muscle. He's more like butt.
You mean, if I only had two grand,
I could turn it into 20 overnight?
Well, I'll see if I can find new investor.
Hello, friend. You may have heard me...
speaking to my high-level business contact in Russia.
Would you be interested in turning $2,000 into $20,000?
Yeah. But I don't have $2,000.
Do you have anything worth that much?
No. Are you sure?
Maybe some... cutlery?
What's cutlery?
Silverware... of value. Forks, knives.
I don't even care if it's stolen. Hey.
[ Randy Narrating ] We made plans to meet later that night.
I couldn't wait to get home to tell Earl how I met a man...
who sounded like Count Chocula and looked like Franken Berry.
But the important thing was, he was gonna make us rich.
I tried to talk to Earl, but he was distracted by Joy's yappin'.
Listen to her. Yappity, yappity, yappity.
Women. They sure are loud, huh, Earl? Anyway, about the forks--
Enough about the forks. I need some air.
I knew somethin' was wrong with Earl, because I was pretty sure there was air in here, too.
He left because he was mad, and so was Joy.
If I ever wanted my tummy to stop hurtin',
I had to sell the fancy forks on my own.
So later that night, I snuck out.
[ Whistles ]
I dug up the silverware so the businessman could send it to Russia.
[ Shoveling ]
I wondered who that guy was sellin' his silverware to.
You got?
This is good. I worried you no show. I leave town soon.
Then how am I gonna get my money?
Oh, right.
Tomorrow, you meet my associate at, uh, old train station.
How will I know it's him?
Hmm. Just ask for person who has "the stuff."
Shh.
[ Randy Narrating ] So the next morning,
I went to the old train station to get the money.
Do you have the stuff?
[ Coughing ]
Do you have the stuff? Get away from me.
I'm just here to do what the note said, even though the spelling was atrocious.
Spare some change? Sorry.
But if you're hungry, I just saw a lady throw away a Chubby's bag that looked pretty full.
Thanks, buddy.
Do you have the stuff? Pardon?
If you have the stuff, I want it. Can you give it to me?
You have the stuff, don't you? Oh, I have got the stuff, kitten.
Great. Where should we do it? Well, there's a little gazebo right over there.
Come on.
[ Man ] Police! Freeze!
[ Man #2 ] Don't move!
[ Randy Narrating ] The stuff he had was the same as the stuff I already had,
so I got the hell out of there.
The point is, I never got the money.
And that's how I knew Earl wouldn't find the silverware.
It's not here, Randy. I'm sure we buried the silverware 10 paces from the tree.
Well, we were drinkin' that night. Did you try 10 drunk paces?
I'll give it a shot.
[ Joy Narrating ] He might be off by a couple of feet,
but when he does find that box, he won't like what's inside.
Idiot.
You know the kind of woman who could've been the next Faith Hill,
but somewhere along the way discovered peach daiquiris, put her diaphragm in wrong,
and wound up smack dab in the middle of trailer hell, raisin' two kids?
Yet she still manages to look hot, and you could bounce a quarter off her butt,
'cause you gotta take care of yourself, I mean, come on.
Anyway, that's me. My name is Joy.
There were two reasons I knew Earl wouldn't find what he was lookin' for.
One, he was wasted. And two, I got to it first.
We stole some silverware from the library, but it was too hot to sell,
so we agreed to let it sit in the dirt for a few years.
- I gotta poop. - [ Joy ] But then people started actin' real weird.
Earl never reads in the bathroom.
He uses that time to make the cockroaches race.
Then Randy started actin' even weirder.
You know, guilty-like, but tryin' to hide it,
- like that face O.J. made when he was puttin' on that glove. - I gotta pee.
Those two dummies were definitely up to somethin' behind my back,
and I didn't like it.
And I'm lockin' this door. I don't want you sneakin' back in...
and tryin' to put your dirty hands all over me.
[ Joy Narrating ] I was gonna make sure I stole that stolen silverware...
from them before they stole it from me.
I took the good stuff and replaced it with some crap from home.
That way, if those two dummies tried to sell it behind my back, they'd be screwed.
[ Rustling ]
[ Door Shuts ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Chuckles ] Dumb-ass.
[ Joy Narrating ] Since I couldn't sell the stuff as is, I decided to melt it.
I figured turnin' silver into silverware was probably the hard part,
so turnin' the silverware back into silver that I could sell was gonna be easy.
But I was wrong.
- What do you mean, you can't take it? - Joy, this town is crawlin'...
with those Civil War reenactment guys tryin' to find this stuff,
and the ones from the South would love nothin' better than to find it with me.
[ Joy Narrating ] I was upset Jasper wouldn't take the silverware.
But I can only stay upset for so long when my girl Faith's on the radio.
** [ Country ]
* Caught up in the touch Slow and steady rush *
* Baby, isn't that the way *
* That love's supposed to be *
* I can feel you breathe *
* Just breathe **
[ Coughing ]
[ Joy Narrating ] So I was forced to rebury the silverware,
but in a different spot, where Earl and Randy would never find it.
It was a special place, because it was the exact spot I was standing...
when Earl Junior was conceived.
I can't wait to see their faces when they dig up that box and see what's inside.
[ Laughing ]
What's so funny, baby? Did that lady put her big granny panties on the clothesline again?
We should go over and get in them together,
and take a picture for our Christmas card.
Earl thinks he's gonna find some silverware we stole a while back.
But I stole it out from under him and hid it by the big rock out back.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. I tried meltin' it down, so it looks all black and gross,
but underneath, it's pure silver.
It's kinda like my safety net. I like knowin' it's there,
just in case I ever need to jump bail and head for Mexico, or I see a pair of shoes I like.
[ Darnell Narrating ] I didn't have the nerve to tell Joy...
that silver wasn't where she thought it was.
You know the kind of guy who graduated college at 14, is a virtuoso cellist,
and can identify 254 varieties of cheese in a blind taste test,
but can't reveal any of that because he's in the Witness Protection Program?
Well, that's me. Don't tell anyone I told you this.
My name is--
Well, you better just call me Crabman.
When Mr. Fish died, I thought I'd bury him in a place he would like.
It was a special place, where I took Joy on our first date.
I'm sorry I thought the pepper was the fish food.
I know that couldn't have been an easy way to go.
But if it's any consolation, I put the fish food on my eggs.
It didn't kill me, though. Sorry.
It looked like it was from some ancient civilization, possibly Paleolithic,
though it appeared to have been struck with a cylindrical object...
that wouldn't have been invented until the Bronze Age.
So I decided to take it down to the museum.
Thought I'd bring 'em in here, since you're the expert.
I'm pretty sure it's just trash.
But we still have some room in our display case.
[ Darnell Narrating ] Earl wasn't the only one who would never find the silver.
Neither would Joy. That's what they get for tryin' to screw with me.
[ Darnell Narrating ] And I sure wasn't gonna be the one to tell her.
I'd never say it out loud, but-- [ Laughing ]
that bitch is crazy.
I don't know what happened, but it's not there anymore.
[ Darnell Narrating ] I felt bad, because I didn't know what Earl could do...
about the thing on his list.
[ Earl Narrating ] There was only one thing I could do.
I'd like to make a donation.
Oh, honey, we don't sell weed here anymore.
That man got fired.
I know. Tito was a friend of mine. I wanted to make an actual cash donation.
You know, to make the library a better place.
Oh, all righty. I'll get the shoe box.
Hey, Earl, check it out.
They found something that belonged to cavemen right here in Camden.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized why I couldn't find the buried treasure.
I still, to this day, don't know how it got there,
but, well, at least it meant I could cross number 52 off my list.
[ Dotty Narrating ] You know the kind of woman who seems like a quiet librarian,
but when she removes her pencil and lets her hair fall down,
she looks all wild and sexy?
[ Sighs ] I wish that was me.
My name is Dotty.