1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,172 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy love watchin' old war movies, 2 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,240 but sometimes they'll trick you. 3 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,609 You think it'll be cool, with gunfights and explosions, 4 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,844 but then you end up just gettin' uncomfortable. 5 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:14,482 Oh, my God, Johnny. They shot ya. 6 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,218 Ricky, tell Mom I said good-bye. 7 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,019 You can't die, Johnny. You're my only brother. 8 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:21,155 [ Johnny ] I'm sorry. 9 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:24,825 I just wanna tell you one thing before I go, Ricky. 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,128 I love you. 11 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:30,231 [ Earl Narrating ] See, Randy and I are as close as two brothers can be. 12 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:33,667 We've just never actually said "I love you." 13 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:38,072 I know it's hard to hear, and Lord knows it's hard to say, 14 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:41,542 but sometimes brothers need to tell each other those simple words. 15 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,444 I love you. 16 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,947 [ Ricky ] God, Johnny. Why do brothers wait till the end of their lives to say these things? 17 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,049 I love ya too, Johnny. 18 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,232 I'm gonna go drop a deuce. I'm gonna go squish bugs. 19 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,800 My name is Earl. 20 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,706 [ Both Laughing ] 21 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,779 Do you ever tell your brothers or sisters that you love 'em? 22 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:23,317 There's one I would say it to, two who would say it to me, but I would not say it back, 23 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,319 one who would interpret it sexually... 24 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:27,288 and three I cannot locate since the flood. 25 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:31,492 Hey, mo. I need to use your car to go to Henderson. Subaru's got ants in it again. 26 00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,527 You just need to find where the queen lives. 27 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,596 Queen lives on a Blow Pop under the driver's seat. 28 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,698 Every time I reach for it, her soldiers attack me. 29 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,568 It's just a Blow Pop. They'll be done in a few days. 30 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,536 - They got, like, a million tongues. - Can't wait. 31 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,738 Stupid deaf lawyer's got me drivin' all over state... 32 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:47,275 gettin' people to drop the various restrainin' orders they got against me. 33 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,843 - Says it'll help me in court. - Who's in Henderson? 34 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,346 The girl in the wheelchair that you pushed down the hill? 35 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,248 No, that little line-cutter lives in Nathanville. 36 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,285 Remember that cranky bat with the hearin' aid that used to manage the trailer park? 37 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,620 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy was speakin' of Millie Banks. 38 00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,655 Citation. 39 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:06,160 No La-Z-Boys on the lawn unless they match the color of the mobile home. 40 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:10,398 Twenty dollars? Yep. There goes your book money for the decade. 41 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,534 Citation. 42 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,669 Christmas-light reindeer still on the lawn. 43 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,638 It's April. 44 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,241 What are you talkin' about? That-- That's an Easter pig. 45 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,943 Don't blaspheme the resurrection, jerk. 46 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,346 You got a citation for that too? 47 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:28,682 Oh, you'll get your citation... in hell. 48 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:34,955 ** [ Heavy Metal On Stereo ] Citation. No speakers in your window on weekdays. 49 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:39,059 You can't even half-hear outta that stupid hearin' aid in your ear anyway. 50 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,662 - I can feel the bass notes. - You can feel the bass notes. 51 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,432 - I got a bass note for ya. - You know what? This is America. 52 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,935 I think you like the bass notes. [ Voices Become Muffled ] 53 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:53,073 [ Both Muffled, Indistinct ] 54 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:56,444 [ Both Continue, Muffled ] 55 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:59,480 I hate her! I hate her like the Taliban hate freedom! ** [ Heavy Metal On Radio ] 56 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:03,150 And how are we supposed to listen to heavy metal on a wimpy little tape player? 57 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,553 - [ Randy ] It's craziness. - Today we can't have bass. 58 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,356 Tomorrow my illegal fireworks won't even be legal. 59 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,891 ** [ Switches Off ] We gotta fight back. 60 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,395 [ Earl Narrating ] The plan was to lure Millie... 61 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,665 away from her preacher shows long enough to go steal stuff. 62 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,601 But you had to be extra sneaky about stealin' from Millie. 63 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:24,104 Back off my birdseed, you tree rat! 64 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,073 [ Earl Narrating ] Millie was packin' heat. 65 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,941 [ Squirrel Chittering ] [ Laughing ] 66 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,144 You guys ready to do this? 67 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,581 Breaker 1-9, this here's the Rubber Duck. 68 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,049 You got a copy on me, Pigpen? Come on. 69 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,452 Nice. "Convoy." They should make more movies out of country songs. 70 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,291 * We got a great big convoy * 71 00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,225 * Rockin' through the night * 72 00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:48,296 * Yeah, we got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight * 73 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,999 * Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way * 74 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:56,904 * We gonna roll this truckin' convoy cross the U.S.A. * 75 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,872 * Convoy * 76 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,443 * Convoy ** 77 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,912 10-4, Rubber Duck. Pigpen's got his ears on. 78 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:09,082 - You have to push the button down. - Can you hear me? 79 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,852 Hello? Yes, I can hear you. 80 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,723 Who is that? 81 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,426 Is her hearin' aid pickin' up my walkie-talkie? 82 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,461 [ Earl ] Hello? 83 00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:23,331 Is that you, Lord? 84 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:27,901 Oh, snap. Go on. Talk to her. Be God. 85 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,638 [ Clears Throat ] 86 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,307 - Yes, it is I, God. - [ Chuckles ] 87 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,509 I was in the "neighborhoodeth," 88 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,447 and I wanted to test thou's faith. 89 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:43,016 I am yours. Test me as you will. 90 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:48,622 - "Putteth" thy left foot in. - [ Chuckling ] 91 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,628 "Putteth" thy left foot out. 92 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,502 "Putteth" thy left foot in... 93 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,237 and "shaketh" it all about. 94 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,674 [ All Chuckling ] 95 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,610 [ Earl Narrating ] After the Hokey Pokey, some toe-touches... 96 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,645 and a badly failed cartwheel, 97 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,247 we put our powers to more practical use. 98 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:19,853 Now "rippeth" up all thy Mobile Home Owners Association citations... 99 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:25,192 and "baketh" yummy dessert items for thy neighbors. 100 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,060 [ Earl Narrating ] It was fun bein' God, 101 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,997 but we found that great power came with great responsibility, 102 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,132 includin' making sure the yummy desserts were yummy. 103 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,468 Do not "maketh" carrot cake. 104 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:38,171 The Lord hates carrot cake. It is the devil's food. 105 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,174 But that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. 106 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,343 I love that stuff. 107 00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,948 [ Earl Narrating ] On the sixth day, we went for the gold. 108 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,183 [ Earl On Walkie-talkie ] That's right, your gold. 109 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,253 And your silver. Anything pawnable. 110 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,690 Give it to the pawn lady across the way with the nice rear end. 111 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:01,429 I'm a man. I notice things. 112 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,998 [ Earl Narrating ] That was our last commandment. We had bled Millie dry. 113 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,269 I don't know why he asked me to give you this stuff. 114 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:13,040 He's mysterious. He also makes hurricanes and gave nipples to men. 115 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,709 The important thing is, you do what he tells you to. 116 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,746 Are you wearin' earrings? 117 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,383 [ Earl Narrating ] And from the seventh day on, we rested. 118 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:26,119 I'll get that signed for you. I should probably go see Millie anyway. 119 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,189 She's on my list-- made a lady think I was God. 120 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,492 Thanks, Earl. 121 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:35,563 When I was a child, there was a man who lived in a box by the dump who told me he was God. 122 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,632 How old were you when you realized he was just a crazy old homeless guy? 123 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,934 Please don't talk about God that way. 124 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:46,206 Hey, Darnell, you ever tell your sister you love her? 125 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,877 Once when I thought she was dead, but she was just passed out from low blood sugar. 126 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,513 I'm still glad I said it. Now they have her on insulin. 127 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,015 Who knows when I'll get another chance? 128 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,285 [ Earl Narrating ] We got to Henderson late... 129 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,821 'cause Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane... 130 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,290 to see if it would lift the car off the ground. 131 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,126 It didn't, and we lost the directions. 132 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,662 I brought Millie replacements for the things we stole. 133 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,298 I was hopin' she'd see all that "voice of God" stuff... 134 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,167 as, well, a harmless prank. 135 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,069 What is this place? A convent? 136 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,271 * We got a great big convent truckin' through-- * 137 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,874 Nuns. Nuns. Nuns. 138 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,578 Excuse me. Uh, do you know a Millie Banks? 139 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,615 Sister Millie? Yes, she's inside. 140 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,619 Sister Millie? 141 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,321 I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, 142 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,890 especially the ones who can fly. 143 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,226 [ Earl Narrating ] In addition to thinkin' nuns could fly, 144 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,530 Randy also thought they were pretty, but knew that that was wrong, 145 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,632 and tried hard not to focus on it. 146 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,268 Peace be with you. 147 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:52,906 Uh, we were told, uh, Millie Banks was here. I-- I guess she's a nun. 148 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:57,578 Millie's not just a nun. No, no. She's special. 149 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,813 She's his favorite. 150 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,684 We're all brides of God, Sister Kate. He loves all of us. 151 00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:07,454 But he only speaks to some of us. 152 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:11,692 Sister Millie heard the direct voice of God... 12 times. 153 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:13,927 Three decades I've been here. 154 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,964 All I ever got was a heat rash shaped like Palestine. 155 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,637 [ Earl Narrating ] It was a reflective area, and we weren't allowed to talk to each other. 156 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,073 So Randy couldn't tell me when he got distracted... 157 00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,976 by the most beautiful room he'd ever seen. 158 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:35,583 We later learned those were prayer candles and not birthday-wish candles. 159 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:39,687 Luckily, before blowin' 'em out, he wished for everyone's prayers to come true. 160 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:46,526 There she is-- the Lord whisperer. 161 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:50,063 * Frère Jacques Frère Jacques * 162 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,000 [ Bell Tolling ] * Dormez-vous Dormez-vous * 163 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:58,305 * La-la-la-la-tina La-la-la-la-tina * 164 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,373 * Ding, dang, dong * 165 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,944 * Ding, dang, dong ** 166 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,379 N-Nun Millie? [ Bell Tolling Ends ] 167 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:10,818 Oh, my goodness. I remember you. 168 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:15,388 What a neat surprise! How is that cuddly brother of yours? 169 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:18,425 And that adorable bride? 170 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,762 I know. I'm nice now. 171 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,598 Weird, huh? [ Chuckles ] 172 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,967 [ Earl Narrating ] I explained to Millie about Joy's restrainin' order, 173 00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,837 and she was happy to help out. 174 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,241 There you go. 175 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,010 I was a real turd in the hot tub back then, 176 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,413 but now I throw birthday parties for orphans. 177 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,983 It's great, 'cause their parents really haven't spoiled 'em. 178 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:46,453 'Cause they don't have any. That's touching. 179 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,722 I make all the cakes myself. 180 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,391 That's how I met little Celeste here. 181 00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,426 I used to live in a storm drain. 182 00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,495 Rain washed my doll heads away. 183 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:59,366 That sounds horrible. I once lived in my car for two months. 184 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,070 Did you ever have to move 'cause a pack of stray dogs kicked you out of your house? 185 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,743 Let's not make this a contest. 186 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,912 Well, I'm glad I could help Joy. 187 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,314 You could bring her some cake if you want to. 188 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:18,418 Well, actually, uh, I'm not here just for Joy. 189 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,387 I-I'm here because, 190 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,857 see, I got this list of all the bad things I've done to people, 191 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,827 and, you see, that voice of God you were hearin'-- 192 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,130 that was-- 193 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,099 well, that was me. 194 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,601 Yeah, right. 195 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,170 Did Sister Kate put you up to this? 196 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,841 I mean, the fact that the Lord talked to me really gets her habit in a wad. 197 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,612 [ Sighs ] 198 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:49,282 "Waxeth" thy neighbor's El Camino. 199 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,885 Oh, my goodness. 200 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:55,255 "Showeth" thy hindquarters to the mailman. 201 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,491 Yeah, I get it. I get it. It was you. 202 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:02,996 Okay. That's good to know. 203 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,633 It was a nice trick. 204 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,402 I suppose I had it comin'. 205 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:14,307 Man, you really got me. 206 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:19,046 You made me start a whole new life based on lies. 207 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:22,182 Filthy, stinking, rotten lies! 208 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,986 You threw out my birthday cake! 209 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:29,022 Oh, like you've never eaten out of a trash can before! 210 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,763 - [ Paper Tearing ] - Is there anyone on your list who wants a daughter? 211 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,698 I don't know. Hold on. 212 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,503 Yeah, right here. 213 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:47,307 Oh, wait. Uh, he wants a son. 214 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,051 Yeah. 215 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,192 [ Earl Narrating ] I thought tellin' Millie the truth... 216 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,161 about pretendin' to be the voice of God would be a good thing. 217 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,463 But instead of makin' things better, 218 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,332 well, it made things a lot worse. 219 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,468 She left the convent and moved back to the trailer park. 220 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,504 And she was angrier than ever. 221 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:21,708 She kicked up more trouble than that tornado that took everyone's pets. 222 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,777 She stopped watchin' her preacher shows, 223 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:27,214 washin' her hair and waterin' her plants. 224 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,158 She didn't even enjoy her daily grilled cheese anymore. 225 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,227 And she seemed even angrier at squirrels. 226 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,162 Die! 227 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,231 [ Slingshot Fires ] [ Squirrel Chitters ] 228 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,434 It's wild. You doing right actually did this lady wrong. 229 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,369 That's what I was thinkin'. 230 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,639 - Only not worded clever like that. - Way to go, dummy. 231 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,143 Not only is Millie not cancelin' my restrainin' order, but now she broke Darnell's heart. 232 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:59,847 Tell him, Darnell. Yeah, she-- 233 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,349 She, um-- She-- She-- 234 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,152 - She evicted Mr. Turtle. - [ Gasps ] From his shell? 235 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,789 Well, that's where he lives. 236 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:12,325 [ Earl Narrating ] Millie was an equal opportunity harasser. 237 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,527 She picked on all races, creeds and species. 238 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,830 Hey, shrub head. 239 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,999 That your turtle? 240 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,235 No one owns Mr. Turtle, but he is my friend. 241 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:25,105 Well, your friend's gonna have to be gone by tomorrow. 242 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,640 There's no reptiles allowed in the trailer park. 243 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,576 Unless you wanna make soup. 244 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:38,151 Joy! 245 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,123 Yeah, now I gotta find the little guy a foster home. 246 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,926 Earl. Earl. Earl. Earl. 247 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,761 Earl. Earl. Yeah, we can be foster parents. 248 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,830 Yes! I love turtles. 249 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:54,301 I love turtles too. Especially you. 250 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,938 God, why do men wait so long to tell their turtles how they feel? 251 00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,174 They need to say those simple words-- "I love you." 252 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,414 This sucks the big one, Earl. 253 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,083 I know. I'm sorry, guys. I feel awful about this. 254 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,185 The list is supposed to help people, 255 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,422 not screw everything up and kick turtles out of their home. 256 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,925 Don't worry, Darnell. You can come over whenever you want. 257 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,859 But give it a couple weeks. 258 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:22,996 We don't wanna make this more confusing for him than it already is. 259 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,565 You should make her go back. 260 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,069 If everyone was happy when that lady was a nun, 261 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:31,071 you have to make her go back. 262 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,874 Give her a sign or something, like a burning sheep walking through the middle of town. 263 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,743 That's what made my brother be a priest. 264 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:40,080 At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point. 265 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,250 - I say we torch a sheep. - We're not torchin' a sheep. 266 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,852 But the whole sign thing isn't a bad idea. 267 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:49,189 We made her a nun the first time. Maybe we can do it again. 268 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,758 We're gonna have so much fun together, Mr. Turtle. 269 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,128 Can I call you by your first name? He doesn't have one. 270 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,897 Then I'll give you one. Randy. 271 00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:02,002 [ Earl Narrating ] We needed to find a sign to put Millie back on the righteous path, 272 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,971 so we stole Bibles from the motel. 273 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:08,008 I'm tellin' you, we drive her down to SeaWorld and get a whale to swallow her. 274 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:11,611 - That'd be a sign. - Those are Shamu whales. They'd chew her up first. 275 00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:15,015 Fine. What if we went down to SeaWorld and got the penguins to do a nativity scene? 276 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,217 Randy, we're not goin' to SeaWorld. 277 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,419 I think we should go back to my locust idea. 278 00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,755 I don't know. Locusts are tricky. You can't reason with 'em. 279 00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:25,525 Got it! Right here. 280 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:31,131 [ Earl Narrating ] We thought turnin' water into wine might be cool. 281 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:35,268 We hoped Millie would be as impressed as the people in ancient Jesus time. 282 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,906 Unfortunately, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park... 283 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,675 will last about as long as, 284 00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:46,013 well, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park. [ Snoring ] 285 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:50,617 We found this incredible miracle in the Bible that Randy was really excited about tryin'. 286 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:54,421 Apparently, some guy named Balaam had a talkin' ass. 287 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,756 Randy couldn't wait to show Millie his. 288 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,326 Earl, wait! Wait! 289 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,394 I just read the whole thing. 290 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:05,765 The ass was Balaam's donkey. It was a talkin' donkey. 291 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,301 Randy, plan's off! Abort! 292 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,438 [ Earl Narrating ] I started to realize miracles are really hard. 293 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,308 I guess that's why they're usually just done by God and TV magicians. 294 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,413 Then I had the answer. 295 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,916 Don't make the beard too long. 296 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,753 I know how to burn a Jesus face in a grilled cheese, Earl. 297 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,322 Suit yourself. He's just lookin' a little ZZ Top is all. 298 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,258 Fine. 299 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,761 I think it looks like Abe Lincoln. 300 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,098 If only we had a Stephen Douglas grilled cheese, we could make them debate. 301 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:40,200 Yeah. I don't know who that is, 302 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,369 but I love the idea of grilled cheese arguin'. 303 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:46,073 [ Earl Narrating ] After three hours of fryin' cheese, 304 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,375 we finally got our magic sandwich. 305 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,343 Then we had to lure Millie away from hers. 306 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,612 ** [ Heavy Metal On Stereo ] 307 00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:57,850 Bass notes. 308 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,752 ** [ Continues ] 309 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,357 [ Earl Narrating ] I never saw a real miracle, 310 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,527 but I did see those movies where George Burns was God. 311 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,230 I knew that our sandwich needed a little extra something. 312 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:21,308 - Whoa! What the-- - What are you doin' in my house messin' with my stuff? 313 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,777 No, no. Look-- Look-- Look, Millie. I-- I was outside, and I heard this angel sound. 314 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,846 You know. ** [ High Note ] 315 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,948 And I was drawn to it, and behold-- 316 00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,751 Holy! No, Millie, look, hold on! 317 00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,786 It's a miracle Lord sandwich! 318 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:38,625 Ow! Man, that is not necessary! 319 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,793 Hey, Earl, I think Millie's comin' back. 320 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,398 I'm too young! [ Grunts ] 321 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,171 You saved me, Mr. Turtle. 322 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,706 If it wasn't for you, I'd have been shot. 323 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,344 [ Grunts ] 324 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:04,217 Would you just stop it! Stop bein' such a miserable, crazy bitch! 325 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,253 I'm sorry for usin' the "B" word, ma'am, 326 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,688 but that's what you are, except at the convent. 327 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,924 There, you were sweet and made cakes for mopey kids. 328 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:15,662 Because of a lie. So, who cares how you got there? 329 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,865 You were nice. You weren't shootin' people in the earlobe and the forehead. 330 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,834 [ Randy Groaning ] 331 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,104 Run and get help, Mr. Turtle. 332 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,942 Faster. 333 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,513 Look, all we were doin' was tryin' to make you a happy nun again... 334 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,648 by sneakin' you a sandwich with Jesus on it. 335 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:38,151 - That's crazy. - You wanna know what's crazy? 336 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,019 People waitin' for some big sign to push them... 337 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:42,322 into doin' somethin' they oughta be doin' in the first place. 338 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:46,693 It's like me. I'd still be a low-life dirtbag if I wasn't hit by a car. 339 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,762 And you were a miserable "B" word until you heard the voice of God. 340 00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:53,833 What were we waitin' for? We could've been better people all on our own. 341 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,468 But whatever. 342 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:59,739 If you wanna wait for a magic sign to go be happy, then good luck to you, lady. 343 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,509 I'm walkin' out now to go help my possibly dyin' brother. 344 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,745 You can shoot me in the back of the head if you want to. 345 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,381 You're my sign. 346 00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:12,319 - What? - You're my sign from above. 347 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,688 I was a lot happier at that convent, bakin' and stuff. 348 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:19,559 You were sent to put me back on my path. 349 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,829 Wow. Weird. 350 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,498 I guess angels don't have to be beautiful. 351 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,936 Well, my whole point was that you shouldn't really need a sign, 352 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,840 but if me bein' a messenger from God works for you, I'm cool with it. 353 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,243 [ Randy Groans ] 354 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,546 When you go to nun school, do they give you any first aid training? 355 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,781 Like how to treat a head wound? 356 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,886 [ Earl Narrating ] Apparently, they do. 357 00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:51,190 - ** [ Women Vocalizing ] - [ Both Laugh ] 358 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:57,730 * When you see the Southern Cross for the first time * 359 00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,732 [ Earl Narrating ] And like I always say, 360 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,369 when you do good things, good things happen-- 361 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,638 like restraining orders bein' lifted. 362 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,308 * 'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small * 363 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,209 [ Earl Narrating ] And turtles comin' home. 364 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,580 - * But it's as big as the promise * - I love you, Mr. Turtle. 365 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:18,050 * The promise of a comin' day * [ Clears Throat ] 366 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,220 * So I'm sailin' for tomorrow * 367 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:24,023 * My dreams are a-dyin' * 368 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,992 * And we never failed-- * 369 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:30,430 [ Earl Narrating ] And orphan girls reunitin' with their cake-bakin' friends. 370 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:33,065 And scary-lookin' dolls gettin' back their little heads. 371 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,568 * Survive being bested * 372 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,670 * Somebody fine-- ** 373 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,639 [ Earl Narrating ] And even though Millie needed a sign... 374 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,908 to do what she knew in her heart was right, 375 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:46,879 I wasn't gonna wait any longer to do somethin' I should've done a long time ago. 376 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:49,282 I love you, Randy. 377 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,451 I love you too, Earl. 378 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:57,690 I gotta go take a leak. I'm gonna go play with the radio.