1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,671 MY NAME IS EARL. 2 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:07,108 YOU KNOW HOW THOSE AMISH PEOPLE ALL CHIP IN WHEN IT'S TIME TO BUILD A BARN? 3 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,411 WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE DO AT THE MOTEL WHEN WAXIN' WILMA'S MUSTACHE. 4 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:14,548 THANKS FOR DOING THIS, GUYS. MY HUSBAND SAID IT'S LIKE FRENCH-KISSING HIS BROTHER FRED. 5 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:17,618 NO PROBLEM, WILMA. MAYBE SOMEDAY, I'LL NEED UNWANTED HAIR RIPPED OFF MY BODY, 6 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,987 AND YOU'LL BE THE ONE TO HOLD ME DOWN. 7 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,555 OW! 8 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,763 [ Earl Narrating ] DISTURBIN' AS IT WAS, STARIN' AT WILMA'S RIPPED-OFF MUSTACHE... 9 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,033 HELPED ME DECIDE WHAT TO DO NEXT ON MY LIST. [ Bell Ringing ] 10 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:36,036 NUMBER 91-- MADE FUN OF MAGGIE LESTER. 11 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,739 CLASS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET OUR NEW STUDENT, MAGGIE LESTER. 12 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:42,376 SHE'S FROM ARIZONA, AND HER PARENTS ARE DIVORCED. LET'S MAKE HER FEEL WELCOME. 13 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,314 [ Earl Narrating ] UNFORTUNATELY FOR MAGGIE, 14 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,516 TOM SELLECK WAS THE BIGGEST STAR ON TV, 15 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,119 AND, WELL, I WAS THE BIGGEST JERK IN MY CLASS. 16 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,387 WOW! LOOK AT THE MUSTACHE ON THIS GIRL. 17 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,390 HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY! IT'S MAGGIE P.I.! 18 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:57,825 [ Laughter ] 19 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,162 SHE REMAINED MAGGIE P.I. UNTIL SHE LEFT WILLIAMSBURG JUNIOR HIGH... 20 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:02,996 A COUPLE MONTHS LATER TO BE HOMESCHOOLED. 21 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,665 I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN. 22 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,468 THERE'S A LOT OF LESTERS HERE, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY MAGGIES. 23 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:10,471 THERE'S A MAGGIE. THAT'S A MAGGIE LARSON, RANDY. 24 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,873 OH. BOTH NAMES HAVE TO BE ON THE SAME LINE. 25 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:16,076 I FEEL BAD FOR THIS MAGGIE LESTER. CHILDREN CAN BE VERY CRUEL. 26 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:19,247 IN MY VILLAGE, THEY USED TO LAUGH AND CALL ME CHUPA CHUPS. 27 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,815 THAT SOUNDS CUTE. IT WAS NOT CUTE. 28 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,318 IT MEANS "LOLLIPOP." I HAD A BIG HEAD AND A LITTLE BODY. 29 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,420 I WAS ALWAYS TIPPING OVER. GOT IT. 30 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:30,724 HERE'S A MAGGIE LESTER LIVIN' SOMEWHERE CALLED SHADY GROVE. 31 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,327 [ Earl Narrating ] WHILE I WAS TRACKIN' DOWN MY OLD CLASSMATE MAGGIE, 32 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:36,730 JOY WAS DEALIN' WITH A SITUATION FROM HER MORE RECENT PAST. 33 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,932 BABY, I LOVE THAT SPRAY-ON STOCKING STUFF. 34 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:42,236 IT MAKES YOUR LEGS LOOK HOT, AND IT MAKES ME A LITTLE HIGH. 35 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,973 AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I WANT THE PUBLIC DEFENDER TO FEEL WHEN I MEET HIM TODAY. 36 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,710 I WANT HIM TO THINK IF HE GETS ME OFF, I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR. 37 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,679 DAMN IT! I GOT LATINA. 38 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:54,415 [ Earl Narrating ] RECENTLY, JOY HAD RUN INTO SOME TROUBLE WITH THE LAW. 39 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,785 SHE WAS ARRESTED FOR GRAND THEFT AUTO AND KIDNAPPIN'. 40 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,853 IF CONVICTED, IT WOULD BE HER THIRD STRIKE. 41 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,891 ALL RIGHT, NOW TELL ME IF YOU CAN SEE MY THONG WHEN I BEND OVER. 42 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,926 WHAT THONG? 43 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,929 PERFECT. LET'S GO. 44 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:12,566 AND HERE. PUT THESE SOCKS DOWN YOUR PANTS JUST IN CASE HE'S GAY. 45 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:17,104 [ Earl Narrating ] RANDY AND I FOUND MAGGIE'S HOUSE. 46 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:21,074 AND IT TURNED OUT SHADY GROVE WASN'T TOO FAR FROM CAMDEN COUNTY. 47 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,212 THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS NICE. 48 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,680 I HOPE MAGGIE REMEMBERS ME. 49 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:33,721 I'M NEVER GONNA FIND ANYONE TO LOVE ME. WHAT? 50 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:37,625 OH, NOTHIN'. I WAS JUST THINKING OF SOMETHIN' ELSE. 51 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:42,363 MAYBE THIS IS THE WRONG PLACE. [ Woman ] COMING. 52 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:48,802 NOPE, THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE. 53 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,676 REMEMBER ME? 54 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:59,880 EARL HICKEY AND MY BROTHER RANDY? EARL HICKEY FROM JUNIOR HIGH? 55 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:04,452 WOW! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU LOOK DIFFERENT WITH THAT MUSTACHE. 56 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:09,323 - [ Clears Throat ] AND... YOU. LOOK AT YOU. - [ Chuckles ] 57 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:13,060 MAGGIE INVITED US IN FOR COOKIES, AND I EXPLAINED ALL ABOUT MY LIST. 58 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:17,531 SO, UH, HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU? WE COULD WAX YOUR FACE. 59 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,969 OR YOUR CAR. WE'LL WAX WHICHEVER. 60 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:27,775 UH, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BEARD ISN'T, UH, BEAUTIFUL AND FEMININE. 61 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,511 IT'S OKAY, EARL. I USED TO WAX AND SHAVE AND PLUCK. 62 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:35,015 AND I EVEN WORE A SKI MASK FOR A WHILE, BUT IT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GO TO THE BANK. 63 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:39,119 THEN I REALIZED THIS IS JUST WHO I AM. IT'S MY LIFE. IT'S MY JOB. 64 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,689 YOUR JOB? 65 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:47,060 [ Earl Narrating ] TURNED OUT MAGGIE WAS IN THE CARNIVAL BUSINESS. 66 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,763 AND AS WE GOT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HER, WE FOUND THAT... 67 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:53,434 SHE WAS VERY SWEET, A GREAT HOSTESS, AND HAD A LOT OF TALENTS. 68 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,903 YOU GOT A REAL PRETTY HOUSE. 69 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:59,072 NO PLASTIC. THE WOOD'S ACTUALLY MADE OF WOOD. 70 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,208 THAT WAS ORIGINALLY THE KITCHEN DOOR, 71 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,744 BUT I REMOVED IT AND TURNED IT INTO A TABLE WHEN I DID MY REMODEL. 72 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:07,214 A DOOR FOR A TABLE. WOW. [ Chuckles ] 73 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,318 YOU CAN TOUCH IT IF YOU WANT TO, RANDY. 74 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,923 IT'S SO SOFT. 75 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:19,993 I LOVE FIXING UP HOUSES. NOT TO MENTION, IT REALLY INCREASES THEIR VALUE. 76 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:23,297 SOUNDS SMART. I MEAN, ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO INCR-- RANDY? 77 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,733 - BUT I'M NOT DONE YET. - YES, YOU ARE. 78 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,237 WELL, I'M GLAD TO KNOW THAT, UH, YOU'RE DOIN' SO GOOD, MAGGIE. 79 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:33,841 BUT YOU STILL GOTTA LET ME MAKE THIS UP TO YOU. OH, WE WERE KIDS. 80 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:37,077 YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART WAS? YOU NEVER GOT TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON. 81 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,414 AND TODAY, YOU DID THAT. SO YOU CAN CROSS ME OFF YOUR LIST, EARL. 82 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:43,283 THANKS, MAGGIE. 83 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,185 [ Earl Narrating ] MAGGIE WAS RIGHT. 84 00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:48,656 NOT GETTIN' TO KNOW HER WAS MY MISTAKE, A MISTAKE I WAS GLAD TO FIX. 85 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:56,997 WELL, SHE SURE WAS NICE. I BET WE WOULD'VE BEEN FRIENDS WHEN WE WERE KIDS IF I WASN'T SO-- 86 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,299 CHECK IT OUT. 87 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,735 HE'S OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD. [ Laughs ] 88 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,871 [ Randy ] LOOK AT THAT TALL GUY, EARL. 89 00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,740 HE LOOKS JUST LIKE A STRETCH ARMSTRONG DOLL RIGHT BEFORE I PULLED HIM IN HALF. 90 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,109 - HI, PAUL. - MAN, LOOK AT HER! 91 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,211 OH, MY GOD! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS PLACE MUST BE? 92 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:13,514 A CARTOON? NO. 93 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:16,249 I THINK IT'S WHERE ALL THE CARNIVAL PEOPLE LIVE WHEN THEY AREN'T WORKING. 94 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,186 IT'S A FREAK TOWN. 95 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,955 EXCEPT FOR THAT KID. HE'S NORMAL. 96 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:25,959 LOOK AT HIS HANDS, EARL! THEY'RE LIKE LOBSTERS, 97 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,729 BUT WITHOUT THE RUBBER BANDS TO STOP HIM FROM BITIN' US WITH HIS HANDS. 98 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,932 THIS PLACE IS FREAKY, RANDY. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE. 99 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:36,704 WAIT A SECOND. I'M DOIN' IT AGAIN, RANDY. 100 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:40,741 I'M MAKIN' FUN OF PEOPLE 'CAUSE THEY LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT, JUST LIKE I DID WITH MAGGIE. 101 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,943 KARMA BROUGHT US HERE FOR A REASON. 102 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,713 I MEAN, WHAT GOOD IS IT TO CROSS MAGGIE OFF THE LIST... 103 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,915 IF I'M GONNA KEEP DOING THE SAME THING TO OTHER PEOPLE? 104 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,784 YOU KNOW WHAT, RANDY? I'M GONNA GET TO KNOW... 105 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,522 EVERY PERSON IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD FOR WHO THEY ARE ON THE INSIDE. 106 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,460 IF YOU MAKE FRIENDS WITH ANYBODY, MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE TALL GUY. 107 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:03,196 I KNOW WHERE THERE'S A FRISBEE STUCK IN A TREE. 108 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:06,333 WHEN I WENT BACK AND TOLD MAGGIE I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER NEIGHBORS, 109 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,903 SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA AND INVITED EVERYBODY OVER FOR A BARBECUE. 110 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,476 ONE BY ONE, WE GOT TO KNOW 'EM, AND WE LEARNED ALL KINDS OF THINGS, 111 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:18,879 LIKE THE FACT THAT WILLIAM WAS A HELL OF A COOK. 112 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,715 - THIS BURGER'S DELICIOUS. - THANK YOU. IT'S BLACK ANGUS. 113 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:25,986 I DON'T THINK I CAN EAT IT NOW THAT I KNOW THE COW'S NAME. 114 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,491 [ Earl Narrating ] KEVIN MIGHT'VE HAD A HORN ON HIS HEAD, 115 00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,560 BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER. 116 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,028 THAT'S PRETTY COOL. CAN YOU TAKE YOUR HEAD ON A PLANE? 117 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,466 NOT SINCE 9/11. WE'RE ALL MAKING SACRIFICES. 118 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,670 [ Earl Narrating ] KEVIN ALSO WORKED MAGIC WITH CARS. 119 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,873 HE HAD RESTORED MORE THAN 20 ALL ON HIS OWN. 120 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:48,476 AND PAUL KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET. 121 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,778 HE DIDN'T LOOK DOWN ON US FOR NOT UNDERSTANDIN'. 122 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:54,247 HE ONLY LOOKED DOWN ON US 'CAUSE HE WAS SO TALL. I'M CONFUSED. 123 00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:58,018 YOU OWN $20,000 WORTH OF KRISPY KREMES, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR DOUGHNUTS? 124 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,488 I DON'T GET DOUGHNUTS. I GET DIVIDENDS. 125 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:04,758 MMM, DIVIDENDS. ARE THEY LIKE THOSE LITTLE POWDERED MUNCHKINS? 126 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,795 NO OFFENSE, WILLIAM. NO WORRIES. 127 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,732 [ Earl Narrating ] JEAN GAVE THE MOST AMAZING NECK RUBS. 128 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,301 - WHO'S NEXT? - KEVIN? 129 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,169 YOU CAN GO. I DON'T HAVE A NECK. 130 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,609 WELL, SON OF A BITCH. I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT. 131 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,611 GUESS I WAS TOO BUSY LOOKIN' AT THE HORN. 132 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,279 YEAH, THE HORN KIND OF STEALS THE SHOW. 133 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,649 [ Earl Narrating ] AND TOMMY TAUGHT ME HOW TO RIDE A SKATEBOARD... 134 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,818 WITHOUT FALLIN' OFF AND SCRAPING MY KNEES. 135 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:38,091 AS WE GOT TO MEET MAGGIE'S NEIGHBORS, JOY GOT TO FINALLY MEET HER LAWYER. 136 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,163 WOW! LOOK AT YOU. 137 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:46,099 I'M GLAD YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE HANDLIN' MY BRIEFS. 138 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,335 DON'T GET INSECURE, BABY. IT'S ALL AN ACT. 139 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,238 OH, NO, NO. I'M NOT YOUR ATTORNEY. I'LL GO GET HER. 140 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,340 "HER"? 141 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:58,378 DARNELL, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WANT A WOMAN TO REPRESENT ME. 142 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,748 NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO A WOMAN UNLESS SHE'S ON THEIR LAP... 143 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,850 WITH TWO MINUTES LEFT IN THE DAMN SONG. 144 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,853 THAT'S NOT TRUE. THERE ARE A LOT OF SMART WOMEN OUT THERE. 145 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,888 DIANE SAWYER AND THAT CHINESE CHICK AT THE DELI. 146 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:12,059 SHE ALWAYS GETS OUR ORDER RIGHT, AND SHE TOTALLY GUESSED WHO WOULD WIN AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY. 147 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:15,462 I'M RUBY WHITLOW, AND THIS IS MY INTERPRETER DOUG. HI. 148 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,865 - [ Mouthing Words ] - SORRY I'M LATE. 149 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,701 HEY. IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. 150 00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:24,905 CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HER THAT I'M GONNA NEED ANOTHER LAWYER? IT'S NOTHIN' PERSONAL. 151 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,874 IT'S JUST I DON'T WANNA BE REPRESENTED BY SOMEBODY... 152 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,109 WHOSE EARS ARE ONLY GOOD FOR HOLDIN' UP GLASSES. 153 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,979 - DON'T TELL HER THAT LAST PART THOUGH. - SHE CAN READ LIPS. 154 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,615 OH. 155 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,952 IT'S NOTHIN' AGAINST THE DEAF. 156 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:43,591 UM, THE WAY MY KIDS ACT UP MOST DAYS, 157 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,793 I WISH I COULDN'T HEAR. 158 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,662 NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, NOT TO BE RUDE. 159 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:52,132 I WILL LET YOU BAG MY GROCERIES, I WILL LET YOU GREET ME AT WAL-MART, 160 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:55,202 I WILL EVEN BUY PENCILS FROM YOU AT THE BUS STATION FOR AN UNREASONABLE PRICE. 161 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:58,071 BUT THIS IS MY THIRD STRIKE, AND I REALLY JUST DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE... 162 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,340 PUTTIN' MY LIFE IN YOUR DEAF HANDS. 163 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:04,411 - YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT? - SHE SAYS SHE'S THE LAWYER THE COURT APPOINTED YOU. 164 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,314 AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN REPRESENT YOURSELF, 165 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,416 YOU IGNORANT WHITE TRASH WHORE. 166 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,184 [ Gasps ] WELL, THOSE ARE TOUGH WORDS... 167 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,387 COMIN' FROM A WOMAN WHO CAN'T EVEN SAY 'EM! 168 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,289 COME ON, DARNELL! 169 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:32,372 [ Earl Narrating ] NOT SURPRISINGLY, CARNIVAL FOLK KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. 170 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,307 SO WE STAYED FOR HOURS. 171 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,413 RINGER! SCORE ONE FOR THE FREAKS! 172 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,316 NICE. WE'RE GOIN' AGAIN, RIGHT AFTER I GET ANOTHER BEER. 173 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,921 MAN, THAT LITTLE FREAK CAN RING TOSS. 174 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,357 RANDY, DON'T CALL HIM A FREAK. BUT HE CALLED HIMSELF THAT. 175 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,927 YEAH, BUT THAT'S LIKE BLACK GUYS CALLIN' EACH OTHER-- YOU KNOW. 176 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:57,631 BROTHER MAN? LOOK, JUST DON'T CALL THESE GUYS FREAKS. 177 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,934 WHO WANTS TO GO TO SHADY POND AND SKIP SOME ROCKS? 178 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:04,137 - I DO! - I'LL DRIVE US. 179 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,606 I'M IN, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOTTA THROW MY ROCKS FOR ME. 180 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,249 EARL, YOU NEED TO TURN THE CAR AROUND. THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO SHADY POND. 181 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:19,119 I'M TAKING US TO ICE CREAM FIRST. MY TREAT. 182 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,521 I KNOW THE BEST PLACE JUST A COUPLE TOWNS OVER. NO, NO, NO! 183 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:25,826 NO, NO. I'M NOT GOING. MM-MMM. 184 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,410 WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WHY DID EVERYBODY RUN? 185 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,746 SHADY GROVE'S OUR SAFE PLACE. 186 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,748 IF WE LEAVE HERE, PEOPLE GAWK AT US. 187 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,383 IT'S LIKE WE'RE A TRAVELING FREAK SHOW. 188 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,523 BUT YOU ARE A TRAVELIN' FREAK SHOW. 189 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,492 LOOK, WE KNOW WE'RE DIFFERENT. THAT'S WHY WE JOINED THE CARNIVAL. 190 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:03,230 PEOPLE COMING INTO A TENT AND STARING AT US IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN MAKE A LIVING. 191 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,867 BUT WHEN WE'RE NOT WORKING, WE DON'T WANT TO BE FREAKS. 192 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,936 WE DON'T WANNA BE IN A SHOW. 193 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,038 THAT'S WHY WE ALL LIVE IN SHADY GROVE, 194 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,807 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY PLACE WE FEEL NORMAL. 195 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:17,110 BUT IT WAS JUST A TRIP FOR ICE CREAM. SOFT SERVE. 196 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:21,214 IT COMES OUT OF THE MACHINE IN A STAR SHAPE, KIND OF LIKE ONE OF THEM PLAY-DOH MACHINES, 197 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:24,117 EXCEPT YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH IT 'CAUSE IT'LL MELT IN YOUR HANDS TOO FAST. 198 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:27,420 WE'RE STILL GONNA GO, RIGHT? I DON'T EXPECT YOU GUYS TO UNDERSTAND. 199 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,456 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE STRANGERS... 200 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,425 POINTING AND LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE OF THE WAY THAT YOU LOOK. 201 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:35,628 YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND A FREAK UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN TREATED LIKE A FREAK. 202 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:39,332 [ Earl Narrating ] SOMETHIN' ABOUT WHAT MAGGIE SAID MADE THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPEN. 203 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:42,235 MY BRAIN REMINDED ME OF SOMETHIN' I HADN'T THOUGHT OF IN YEARS. 204 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:53,146 HEY, HICKEY, COME ON. TAKE OFF THAT SHIRT. POOL RULES. 205 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,817 IF I WANNA SEE A HICKEY IN A WET T-SHIRT, I'LL CALL YOUR MOTHER, ALL RIGHT? 206 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,886 COACH LOU, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. 207 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,922 - MY PROBLEM? - TAKE OFF THE SHIRT OR COME BACK DOWN THE LADDER. 208 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,791 LET'S GO. COME ON, BUDDY. 209 00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,940 [ Children Laughing ] 210 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:36,489 ALL THE KIDS CALLED ME "RASTA NIPPLES." ARE THEY STILL THAT HAIRY? 211 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:39,626 YEAH, BUT THE REST OF MY CHEST HAS KINDA CAUGHT UP WITH THEM. 212 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,461 LOOKS LIKE THE FLOOR OF A BARBER SHOP. 213 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,596 I STILL DON'T LIKE TAKIN' MY SHIRT OFF IN PUBLIC. 214 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:46,533 SO YOU NEVER JUMPED OFF THE HIGH DIVE LIKE YOU WANTED TO? 215 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,235 NOPE. 216 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:51,171 DID YOU EVER CONFRONT THE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOUR FEELINGS? 217 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,273 NO, BUT THAT'S-- SO WHAT DID YOU DO? 218 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,976 YOU RAN AWAY AND HID. 219 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,681 I THOUGHT THEY WERE CALLIN' YOU "PASTA NIPPLES." 220 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,218 I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW THEY KNEW WHAT YOUR NIPPLES TASTED LIKE. 221 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,254 [ Earl Narrating ] WITHOUT A PUBLIC DEFENDER, 222 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,957 THE ONLY OTHER LAWYER JOY COULD AFFORD WAS HERSELF. 223 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,259 HOW'S IT GOING, LAWYER LADY? CRUDDY. 224 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,394 I NEED THE DAMN DUMMIES GUIDE TO THE DUMMIES GUIDE. 225 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,064 I SWEAR, IT SEEMS LIKE HALF THIS LEGAL STUFF IS WRITTEN IN LATIN. 226 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,499 I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE DAMN CARTOONS. 227 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:23,203 WELL, THIS CARTOON IS EASY. OBVIOUSLY, THE CAMEL IS SUING FOR INTENTIONAL TORT... 228 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,805 BECAUSE THE TURTLE HAD PRIOR KNOWLEDGE THAT THE ROCK WAS SLIPPERY... 229 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,575 AND WOULD CAUSE PHYSICAL INJURY AS WELL AS DENY HIM HIS LIBERTY... 230 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,344 TO CROSS THE STREAM, THEREFORE LEAVING THE TURTLE LIABLE. 231 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,749 WRONG! IT'S A LLAMA, NOT A CAMEL, STUPID. 232 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:41,288 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO KISS THAT DEAF LADY'S ASS. 233 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,530 THAT'S DEFINITELY A DROMEDARY CAMEL. 234 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:53,901 [ Earl Narrating ] I WAS HAVIN' A HARD TIME DEALING WITH WHAT MAGGIE HAD SAID. 235 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,669 SO THE NEXT MORNING, I WENT TO DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT IT. 236 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,106 YOU'RE A JACKASS. EXCUSE ME? 237 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,574 EARL HICKEY. VERY HAIRY NIPPLES. 238 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,578 LOOK AT THAT. HICKEY. HOW ARE YOU, HICKEY? 239 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,315 YOU KNOW, I COULD'VE JUMPED OFF THAT HIGH DIVE WITH MY SHIRT ON, 240 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,817 BUT YOU MADE ME STAND UP THERE LIKE A FREAK WHILE EVERYBODY LAUGHED. 241 00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:14,754 IT WAS MEAN. BECAUSE OF YOU, I NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE... 242 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:18,658 THE THRILL OF FLYIN' THROUGH THE AIR INTO A POOL OF WATER ON A HOT SUMMER DAY. 243 00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:22,195 OW! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW! 244 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:26,033 WHAT, YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF MEATHEAD TEACHER WHO GETS HIS KICKS PICKIN' ON LITTLE KIDS? 245 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,235 I WAS UNDER THAT IMPRESSION, YEAH. YEAH? YEAH? 246 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,704 DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE I WAS MAKING YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF FOR YOUR OWN GOOD? 247 00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,873 PLEASE LET MY EAR GO! [ Groaning ] 248 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:36,409 OF COURSE THE KIDS WERE GONNA LAUGH AT YOU, HICKEY. YOU HAD HAIRY NIPPLES. 249 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,312 BUT SO WHAT? LISTEN. 250 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,614 NEVER LET OTHER PEOPLE KEEP YOU FROM LIVING YOUR LIFE, HICKEY. 251 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:45,818 AND NEVER POKE A GYM TEACHER IN HIS CHEST IN FRONT OF HIS CLASS. 252 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:50,257 HUH? I SEE YOU PEEIN' IN THERE, INCHWORM! PINCH IT OFF! 253 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,659 [ Earl Narrating ] COACH LOU WAS RIGHT TO ALMOST PULL OFF MY EAR. 254 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:56,029 I SHOULDN'T HAVE POKED HIM. AND HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT MY NIPPLES TOO. 255 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,765 LAYIN' THERE, I DECIDED WHAT I NEEDED TO DO NEXT. 256 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:02,269 SO I REALIZED I LET BEIN' CALLED A FREAK RUIN SOMETHIN' FUN FOR ME, 257 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,804 AND I DECIDED I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. 258 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:08,875 SO FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING, I'M GONNA GO BACK DOWN TO THAT SWIMMIN' POOL... 259 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:11,444 AND I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THAT HIGH DIVE SHIRTLESS AND HAIRY. 260 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:14,114 AND I WANT YOU TO ALL COME TOO. WHO'S WITH ME? 261 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,323 COME ON, GUYS. YOU CAN DO THIS. 262 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,924 NO, EARL, I'M SORRY. TOGETHER, WE'LL BREAK FREE... 263 00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:28,295 FROM THE JUDGING STARES OF THE WORLD AND LIVE THE LIVES WE WANT TO. 264 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,931 WILLIAM. JEAN. COME-- TOMMY. 265 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,467 DUDE, YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY CHEST. 266 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:38,305 I'VE GOT HANDS LIKE A FREAKIN' LOBSTER. IT'S NOT THE SAME. 267 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,410 MAGGIE? 268 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,185 [ Sighs ] 269 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,724 HELLO? CAN I COME INSIDE? 270 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,996 HEY. 271 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:08,435 UM, WHERE IS THE MAN WHO HEARS FOR YOU? 272 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,075 THAT'S OKAY. I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHIN' YOU CAN READ ANYWAY. 273 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,677 THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED, 274 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:22,249 SO I GOT YOU A BLIND PEOPLE CARD WITH ALL THE BUMPS ON IT. 275 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,984 LISTEN, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'D BE MAD AT ME. 276 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:28,421 I MEAN, IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO THINK YOU'D BE STUPID JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAF. 277 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,191 BUT IN MY DEFENSE, THE ONLY OTHER DEAF PERSON I'VE KNOWN WAS STUPID. 278 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,226 ACTUALLY, I THINK HE MIGHT'VE BEEN BRAIN-DAMAGED... 279 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,162 AND MAYBE HE REALLY COULD HEAR, BUT HE WAS MISSING AN EAR. 280 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,297 ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, I'M SORRY I WAS UNFAIR. 281 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,966 I MEAN, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PREJUDICED AGAINST. 282 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,170 AFTER ALL, MY HUSBAND IS BLACK. 283 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:52,645 MRS. WHITLOW. LOOK, I CAN'T GO TO JAIL. PLEASE. I'M A MOTHER. 284 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:56,616 AND I KNOW I MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST MOTHER THERE EVER WAS, BUT I LOVE MY KIDS. 285 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,319 AND IF I GET LOCKED UP, WHO'S GONNA TUCK THEM IN AT NIGHT... 286 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,221 AND RUB THEIR BELLIES WHEN THEY HAVE TUMMY ACHES... 287 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:04,257 AND KISS THEIR LITTLE BOO-BOOS TILL THEY SMILE? 288 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,793 AND IF YOU TAKE MY CASE, I PROMISE THAT I WILL GIVE YOU... 289 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:11,030 THE RESPECT AND DIGNITY THAT YOU SO CLEARLY DESERVE. 290 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,466 PLEASE HELP ME. 291 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:18,438 OKAY, JOY. I'LL REPRESENT YOU. 292 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,508 [ Snickering ] 293 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,778 I'M SORRY. 294 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:29,082 IT'S JUST IF YOU COULD HEAR THE WAY YOU SOUND. 295 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:31,050 IT'S COOL, THOUGH. 296 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,786 IT'S COOL. I'M FINE. 297 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,289 [ Earl Narrating ] THE NEXT MORNING, I WENT DOWN TO THE POOL. 298 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,425 I WAS BUMMED NO ONE WANTED TO COME WITH ME, 299 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,560 BUT I STILL WANTED TO PROVE SOMETHIN' TO MYSELF. 300 00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,863 AND, BESIDES, ALL I NEEDED WAS ME, MY TWO HAIRY NIPPLES... 301 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,167 AND A DIVING BOARD. 302 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:07,787 BUT WANTIN' TO DO SOMETHIN' AND ACTUALLY DOIN' IT ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. 303 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:15,195 - WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN' HERE? - WE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID, EARL. 304 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,798 YOU'RE RIGHT. WE CAME HERE TO LIVE OUR LIVES AND TO WATCH YOU LIVE YOURS. 305 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:26,139 [ Earl Narrating ] I HAD NEVER FELT MORE BRAVE IN ALL MY LIFE. 306 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:31,010 * WELL, IF YOU WANT TO SING OUT SING OUT * 307 00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:34,247 [ Earl Narrating ] AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY HADN'T EITHER. 308 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,016 * 'CAUSE THERE'S A MILLION THINGS TO BE * 309 00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:39,452 * YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE * 310 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:45,225 * AND IF YOU WANT TO LIVE HIGH LIVE HIGH * 311 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:48,761 * AND IF YOU WANT TO LIVE LOW LIVE LOW * 312 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:51,364 * 'CAUSE THERE'S A MILLION WAYS TO GO * 313 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,500 * YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE * 314 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,972 * YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT * 315 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:03,876 * THE OPPORTUNITIES ARE * 316 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,012 [ Earl Narrating ] AND THEIR BRAVERY DIDN'T STOP AT THE POOL. 317 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,815 THEY SET OUT TO FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS. 318 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,618 KEVIN GOT A JOB AS A MECHANIC. ** [ Continues ] 319 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,922 PAUL BECAME A STOCK TRADER. 320 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:23,363 JEAN USED HER NATURAL GIFT FOR MASSAGE TO GET HER CHIROPRACTOR'S LICENSE. 321 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:27,367 * AH, YOU WON'T NEED ME * 322 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,669 WILLIAM WORKED AS A CHEF. 323 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:36,876 MAGGIE TOOK HER LOVE FOR FIXIN' UP HOUSES AND BECAME A VERY SUCCESSFUL HOUSE SELLER. 324 00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:43,450 AND IT TURNED OUT ALL TOMMY EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A KID. 325 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,019 [ Bell Dinging ] 326 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:50,457 THAT YEAR, THE WITZEL TRAVELING CARNIVAL HAD ITS RIDES AND ITS FUN FOODS, 327 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,060 BUT BECAUSE OF ME, THERE WAS SOMETHIN' MISSING-- 328 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,263 THE SIDESHOW. 329 00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,732 AND I FELT GOOD ABOUT THAT. 330 00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,739 TO EARL! 331 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,845 [ Synthesized Voice ] WHAT A BUNCH OF FREAKS. 332 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,621 HEY, EARL. YEAH, RANDY? 333 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,657 YOU THINK I COULD GROW A BEARD AS NICE AS MAGGIE'S? 334 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,427 MAYBE, IF YOU'RE WILLIN' TO PUT IN THE TIME. 335 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,796 OH, I'D PUT THE TIME IN. I'D TRY REAL HARD. 336 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:33,633 IF I DO GROW A NICE BEARD, YOU THINK THEY'D LET ME BE IN THE CARNIVAL? 337 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:38,338 NAH. THERE'S NOTHIN' THAT SPECIAL ABOUT A BEARDED MAN. 338 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:41,040 UNLESS YOU LIT IT ON FIRE OR SOMETHIN'. 339 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,710 BUT THEN YOU'D HAVE TO WAIT FOR IT TO GROW BACK BETWEEN SHOWS, 340 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,646 SO THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T PAY YOU TOO MUCH. 341 00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,416 THEY'D PROBABLY JUST GIVE YOU, LIKE, FREE SNOW CONES, 342 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,684 OR UNLIMITED FERRIS RIDES OR SOMETHIN'. 343 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,921 LIGHTIN' MY FACE ON FIRE? SCREW THAT. 344 00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,156 YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THINK. 345 00:20:57,223 --> 00:20:59,326 GOOD NIGHT, EARL. 346 00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,461 GOOD NIGHT, RANDY.