1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,704 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,907 [ Earl Narrating ] Most mornings I wake up thinking about the list. 3 00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:10,811 But sometimes I have more important things on my mind, like court. 4 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:14,082 I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. 5 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,317 I bet it explodes like a Death Star. 6 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:20,388 You might be disappointed, like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin. 7 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,591 He drove off before I could get the wig on it. 8 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:27,027 Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money. No problem, Crabman. 9 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:31,165 Besides, what kind of man doesn't help his ex-wife make bail? 10 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:34,502 Recently, Joy and Bargain Bag had a difference of opinion on their return policy. 11 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,937 - You can't return this. - I have returned it. 12 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,940 - And somehow or another, I'm gonna get my $3,000 back. - No, you won't. 13 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:42,110 - Yes, I will. - No. You won't. 14 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,246 - Yes, I will! - In Joy's opinion, they were being a little unethical. 15 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:48,516 - Cha-ching! - So she stole their truck. 16 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,084 [ Tires Screeching ] 17 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:54,955 We found out there was more in the Bargain Bag truck than she bargained for. 18 00:00:55,022 --> 00:01:00,128 I tried to help Joy, but she was goin' down a path I could not follow. 19 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:03,164 That path eventually led her to jail. 20 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,673 Damn it, Carla! Stop givin' me flat tires. 21 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,510 - That is the third one since we got off the bus. - Settle down. 22 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,614 Should I ask him now, Earl? 23 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:24,552 I saw a guy back there with pistachios, and I don't want him to go before me. 24 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:27,355 I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy. 25 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:34,094 [ Mouthing Words ] 26 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,132 - [ Judge ] Joy Turner. - Yes, Your Highness? 27 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,934 Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today? 28 00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:42,970 Oh, I don't need one. 29 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,207 I wasn't about to put my mouth near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it. 30 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:50,444 - Very well. Bail is set at one million dollars. - [ Gavel Raps ] 31 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,013 - Excuse me? - This is your third strike. 32 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,082 Third what? 33 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:58,118 [ Earl Narrating ] Apparently, this incident wasn't Joy's first serious run-in with the law. 34 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,522 Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money. 35 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,524 Can we get some more green ink in this machine? 36 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,593 Is that-- Are you copying money? 37 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,596 Shh! Don't say anything. I'll make it worth your while. 38 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,031 Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you-- What are you doing? 39 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,933 We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath! 40 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,503 That is my fake money! Copy responsibly! Copy responsibly! 41 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:17,671 [ Earl Narrating ] Strike one: counterfeitin'. 42 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:21,475 And when Joy was gettin' taken in for her first strike, things got worse. 43 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,144 Easy, gorilla. I just bought these fingernails. 44 00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,913 You don't like the process, don't do the crime. 45 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:30,050 Let go! I can do it myself. Damn it! You just broke one! 46 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,887 [ Grunts ] [ Earl Narrating ] Strike two: assault on a police officer. 47 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:37,991 Third strike? I can't go away for life! Hey, I want a deal! 48 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:42,430 I know things about all those women! Jesus did not tell Carla to kill her sick mama. 49 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,965 She just wanted to go out dancin'! Tell 'em the truth, Carla! 50 00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,668 Don't lie! Tell 'em! 51 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,973 I don't know if you remember me. 52 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,510 I was the guy with that pecan when my brother tried to steal the plane. 53 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,718 I don't know how you're gonna make bail, Joy. 54 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,855 The bondsman will cost 10%. That's a hundred grand. 55 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,858 I don't even have that much money left. But you still have some. 56 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:14,728 We can take it and copy it and then have a hundred grand. You know, counterfeit. 57 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,631 You've really been focused on that walnut today, haven't you, Randy? 58 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,534 Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. 59 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,271 Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do. 60 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,307 [ Earl Narrating ] Every group of friends has one person they turn to for advice. 61 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,175 Guns N' Roses had Axl. 62 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,378 Knight Rider had the talkin' car. 63 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,813 And for my little circle of delinquents, 64 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,950 the day I made my list and turned my life around, well, that person became me. 65 00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:40,288 Why are you even worrying about this? Joy is in jail. 66 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:44,224 We should be in the town square celebrating and tipping over a giant, evil statue of her. 67 00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,328 I know you don't like Joy, but I just can't let her sit in jail. 68 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:52,132 I don't like Joy either. I also don't like it when they put raisins in candy bars. 69 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:55,135 - Are you done with your pulled pork? - [ Earl ] Yeah, I can't eat. 70 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:59,807 Man, my eye's messed up. Feels like there's a tiny little bug heart beatin' in my eyelid. 71 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:03,544 - It's twitching. That means you have stress. - I don't have stress. 72 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:07,781 Stress is for doctors and lawyers and army guys who have to shoot dogs and whatnot. 73 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:11,051 [ Sighs ] What are you doin', Randy? 74 00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:15,289 I'm makin' a list of rich people with a million dollars we can borrow for Joy's bail. 75 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,292 "The Beverly Hillbillies." They're super rich. 76 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:22,095 They're pretend, Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump. 77 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:26,534 - They're just TV characters. - Well, the Jeffersons are real, right? 78 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,303 'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year. 79 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,372 Remember, we gave him a dollar to say "Weezy"? 80 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:34,808 Randy, we're not gettin' any money from these guys. 81 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,445 If you're gonna come up with names, think of people we... know. 82 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,915 [ Earl Narrating ] There was a name on that bag we could use, but Randy didn't write it. 83 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,084 It was the only rich guy we actually knew. 84 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,819 Chubby. 85 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,756 [ Earl Narrating ] Richard Chubby was the richest man in Camden County. 86 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:52,626 He owned everything. You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals, 87 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,529 so why should you treat your clothes any differently? 88 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:58,265 'Cause if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate-- 89 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:01,469 It's the taste of slow cookin' with the sloppiest sauce around. 90 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,004 Now, our meats are aged to perfection. 91 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:07,174 And so be sure and bring your kids down for-- 92 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,109 Lap dance madness every Tuesday. 93 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:13,213 There's all kinds of fun goin' on at Club Chubby, so come on down. 94 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:18,018 And don't forget, sweatpants are allowed, and truckers shower for free. 95 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,155 ** [ Blues ] 96 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:25,325 [ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't lookin' forward to askin' Chubby for the money. 97 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,795 See, if he was poor, we'd call him crazy. 98 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,564 But since he was rich, we just called him "sir." 99 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:34,167 So as you can see, uh, Joy's really in a bind here, sir. 100 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,604 [ Inhales ] [ Man ] * All through the night * 101 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,106 [ Shudders ] Woof. 102 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,844 Smell it. 103 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,113 Go on. Smell it. 104 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,382 [ Clears Throat ] * Walkin' round just like a fool ** 105 00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,418 [ Sniffs ] 106 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,053 Nice. Vanilla. 107 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,322 Yeah. 108 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,658 Not you. But I love vanilla. 109 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,793 It's my third favorite flavor. 110 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,097 All right. Just a whiff. 111 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,800 [ Sniffs ] 112 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,804 [ Chuckles ] Smells like a cupcake with boobies. 113 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:16,109 Open up. 114 00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:19,046 This is a real classy joint, 115 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,282 and I don't want to ever hear "boobies" around here. 116 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,151 Got that? Uh-huh. 117 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,856 [ Sighs ] 118 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,462 Vodka. [ Laughing ] 119 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:37,998 [ All Laughing ] 120 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:43,170 [ Forced Laughter ] 121 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:46,507 That's funny, 'cause Randy thought he was gonna get his head blown off. 122 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:50,644 Yeah? I'll tell ya, I got a problem, Earl. 123 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,481 I like Joy. I like her a lot. 124 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,616 But I like my money too. 125 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,452 Chubby, you'll get your money back, I promise. 126 00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:02,790 I'll tell ya what. I've had some trouble fillin' this place since my best dancer left. 127 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,326 If you guys could find her, get her dancin' again, 128 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,962 I'd be glad to sign Joy's bail. 129 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,732 Great. So what's the dancer's name? 130 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,602 Uh, look, right over there. 131 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,443 - Catalina? - Wonder if he's got any extras of those. 132 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,445 Oh, yeah. 133 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,152 [ Earl Narrating ] We always knew that Catalina used to work at Club Chubby. 134 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,688 We just never realized she was their number-one dancer. 135 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:38,626 Catalina's just gotta dance again. I've already imagined it, and it's great. 136 00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:41,529 I'd show it to you, except it's inside my head. 137 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:44,698 I don't know, Randy. It's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend. 138 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,300 "Hey, Catalina, you feel like workin' for a crazy man... 139 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,970 "and shakin' your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks... 140 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,973 to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?" 141 00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:59,813 I'm sorry, Earl. After you said "Catalina half naked," I didn't hear any... thing. 142 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,553 Sorry. I said "Catalina half naked," and I forgot what-- 143 00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:12,492 I remember. You said somethin' about Catalina bein' half naked, and I-- 144 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,494 I lost it again. 145 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,698 [ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes Randy gets trapped in his own brain loop. 146 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,233 It also happens when he watches Back to the Future. 147 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,036 When he finally popped out of it, we went to talk to Catalina. 148 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,972 [ Woman On Radio ] * Everybody * [ Man ] Get crazy! 149 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,040 * Everybody * Get crazy! 150 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,476 Wow, look at you! Dancin'. * Everybody, everybody ** 151 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,813 The music and the movement keep the rats from attacking my ankles. 152 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:37,718 Do it, Earl. Just remember, don't start with the words "half naked" because I-- 153 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:44,091 Wow. So, uh, you've got some good moves. 154 00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,594 You used to do that for a livin', right? Yeah. 155 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,396 I wonder which half's gonna be naked. I hope it's the front half. 156 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:52,332 Randy! 157 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,268 I remember now. Club Chubby, right? 158 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,771 Say, was that, uh-- was that a good experience? 159 00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:01,341 You got to wear a bikini. It's almost like gettin' paid to go to the beach, right? 160 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:04,411 Only instead of sand in your crack, you get dollar bills. 161 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:08,481 Yeah, it was the perfect job. I made great money. It was glamorous. 162 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,051 But unfortunately, it became too dangerous. 163 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,587 [ Earl Narrating ] Catalina explained that her act was a little different, 164 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,724 but made crowds go insane. [ Cheering ] 165 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:20,894 * Jump around, jump around jump around * 166 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,296 [ Earl Narrating ] Most dancers at Club Chubby just danced, 167 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,298 but Catalina, she was special. 168 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,669 She jumped. * Jump, jump, jump jump, jump * 169 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,705 * Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump * 170 00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:35,943 [ Earl ] But in the end, Catalina found the risks as a go-go dancer far too great. 171 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,880 * Jump, jump, jump jump, jump, jump * [ Gasps ] 172 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,949 - * Jump, jump, jump * - [ Gasps ] 173 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,351 * Jump, jump, jump, jump ** 174 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,353 ** [ Organ ] 175 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,756 [ Earl Narrating ] After seein' how deadly her jumping could be, 176 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,891 Catalina made a promise to herself. 177 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,861 I will never dance again. 178 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:57,731 Tell the part about the jumpin' again. 179 00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:02,836 Look, if you enjoy dancin' and love the extra money, it's crazy that you quit. 180 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:05,806 - What if the family forgave you? - How could they? 181 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,875 I killed a husband and a father. 182 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,979 Listen, since I started the list, I've found that people can be pretty understanding. 183 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:16,383 Unless you're a girl with one leg, but I think she was already angry to start with. 184 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:20,821 Anyway, I think you'll feel better if you talk to this guy's family. 185 00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:25,592 No one apologized to me for the execution-style slaying of my cousins... 186 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:28,528 during the Festival of Redemption. 187 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,865 But you know what? It would've felt nice. 188 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,771 - I'll do it. - Jump around, jump around. 189 00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:41,742 Jump up, jump up and get down. 190 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,546 I mean, when you're ready. 191 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:50,283 [ Earl Narrating ] It turns out the horny guy with the weak heart was a club regular. 192 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,320 So Chubby knew his name and that he had a family business. 193 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,757 Hello. I'd like to see Mr. Tucker, Clark Tucker's son. 194 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,759 What is it regarding? 195 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:03,196 Tell him the woman is here who is responsible for his father's tragic death. 196 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:08,135 [ Gasps ] You are as beautiful as the legends describe. 197 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:12,873 The slayer of el diablo has come! 198 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,311 Mr. Tucker made us work 16 hours a day... 199 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:21,581 in a cramped, sweltering hot room for almost no money. 200 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,051 You mean, like this? 201 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:28,421 Oh, no. Mr. Tucker's son, he install a fan. 202 00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:32,192 You see that, Catalina? 'Cause of you, this place isn't a sweatshop anymore. 203 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:35,528 Just a place where people work unreasonable hours for low pay. 204 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,665 But at a comfortable 88 degrees. Come! 205 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,301 - [ Applause ] - I can dance again. 206 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,404 [ Crashing ] [ Gasping ] 207 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:49,642 - I was just turnin' it on high. - Oh! 208 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,679 [ Earl Narrating ] I was glad Catalina was willing to go back to Club Chubby... 209 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,348 'cause that meant I'd be able to get Joy out of jail soon. 210 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,985 But Randy was probably the happiest of all. 211 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,158 You're very good at this. 212 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,328 I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walkin'. 213 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,397 Oh, does your mother like to exercise? 214 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,500 - Let's not talk about my mom right now. - Okay. 215 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,469 ** [ Blues Rock ] 216 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,206 Pooch, in about 10 minutes I'll be in my office. 217 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,842 I want you to send over a steak and a girl, 218 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,912 both drenched in hollandaise sauce. 219 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,048 Thanks for doin' this, Chubby. 220 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,650 And, uh, if you don't mind, I'd rather Catalina not know... 221 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,652 you're gonna bail Joy out tomorrow. 222 00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,755 I hear ya. You gettin' a little somethin' from both those gals? 223 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,858 Just a really bad case of eye twitches. 224 00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:40,260 I got that from Desiree once. 225 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,730 Gotta wash your hands real good and drink a lot of cranberry juice. 226 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,099 [ Earl Narrating ] For a second, I thought my plan had worked out. 227 00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,269 Hey, Earl. Hey, Crabman. 228 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,338 [ Earl ] But then I realized what Darnell was holdin'. 229 00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,807 See, when Darnell's happy with somethin' you've done for him, 230 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:57,110 he always thanks you the same way-- with homemade lemon squares. 231 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,316 As good as they were, those tasty little treats were gonna screw up my plan... 232 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,685 'cause Darnell wasn't givin' 'em to me. 233 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:09,256 He was givin' 'em to Catalina to thank her for bailin' out Joy. 234 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:13,093 And there was only one response Catalina was gonna have to that. 235 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:17,564 [ Announcer ] A round of applause for Catalina! 236 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:22,035 [ Men Chanting ] Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! I will not jump for Joy. 237 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,304 Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! 238 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,407 Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! 239 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,414 [ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was angry about the whole Club Chubby thing, 240 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,716 but there was someone else who was even angrier. 241 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:39,319 She wouldn't dance? That's all them people do is dance. 242 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,923 Did you try throwin' a hat down in front of her? 243 00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,165 Hi. My man's not here. You want to chat? 244 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,868 Okay. What are you in for? 245 00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,737 I killed my man. 246 00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:00,607 Look, Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. 247 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,276 That's why that troop of "flat-chested pigmy sluts"... 248 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,612 won't deliver Girl Scout cookies to you anymore. 249 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,015 Fine. Whatever. Just bring her down here, and I'll apologize. 250 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,583 Really? I didn't know you knew how to do that. 251 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,320 I'll do anything to get out of here, Earl. It's horrible. 252 00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:17,057 I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate's makin' wine. 253 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,426 I'm sorry. You seem really nice. 254 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,295 But I just don't feel comfortable puttin' the phone down my pants... 255 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,932 and lettin' you talk to my stuff. 256 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,037 [ Earl Narrating ] Generally, people don't like seein' their enemies, 257 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:33,073 but they do like seein' their enemies behind bars. 258 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,411 Nice jumpsuit. Ain't you sweet. 259 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:42,349 Now, Earl tells me that for some crazy reason you think we're not friends. 260 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:45,418 The first time you saw me, you called me a whore. 261 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,221 No, you just misunderstood what I said. 262 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,890 Which is understandable, I mean, because you're Mexican. 263 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,694 I'm not Mexican. Whatever. You speak Mexican. 264 00:14:54,761 --> 00:15:00,000 - I speak Spanish. - You both speak "friendly," so let's just go with that. 265 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:04,237 Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me, and I know why you hate me. 266 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:08,275 It's because I'm hot. Excuse me? 267 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,978 Damn it. There goes the eye again. 268 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,912 You're jealous of my hotness. 269 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,916 Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. 270 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:21,421 But not the prison of your fat body. For that, you have a life sentence. 271 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:26,226 I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about 10 times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me. 272 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:30,597 Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-section scar. 273 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,333 That is not a C-section scar! That's from where my prom date stabbed me. 274 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,802 I had both my babies naturally. 275 00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:40,040 Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts. Do these look saggy to you? 276 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:43,010 I could float half your village across a muddy river on these puppies! 277 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:47,114 I've heard enough. This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. 278 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:53,420 And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo. 279 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,755 My eyeballs are big? 280 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,691 Yeah, well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with! 281 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,030 Really? You couldn't pretend to be nice for two minutes? 282 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:07,000 I've seen you act crippled for a half day just to skip the lines at Six Flags. 283 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,002 Look, I don't need her. 284 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,439 If Chubby wants a top earner, then I'll dance and earn more than she ever did. 285 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,741 I'm made in America, not a maid in America. 286 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:20,213 You'd be laughin' if you could see how I spelled that in my head. 287 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,553 [ Earl Narrating ] Chubby had always wanted to see Joy in a bikini, 288 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:30,323 and he figured other people might like that too, and he was right. 289 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,559 Had a bomb gone off in there that night, 290 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,162 there wouldn't have been a straight man left in Camden. 291 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,130 God, there's a lot of people I know out there. 292 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,600 What the hell does my gyno expect to see that he hasn't seen already? 293 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,072 Man, why am I so nervous? I don't know. 294 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:49,476 You've sure danced naked in front of us enough times. Not at the same time, but-- 295 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,479 Actually, uh, there was that one time when I was hiding in the closet. 296 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,182 Wait. Was that on Thanksgivin'? 297 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,885 - Yeah, we thought you'd fallen asleep. - I thought I heard somethin'. 298 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,954 First I thought it was a squirrel. Man, that is some wild stuff. 299 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,192 Can you ladies take your tea party outside? I need to calm my nerves. 300 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,794 How long were you in there? For a couple of hours, man. 301 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,363 [ Earl Narrating ] I would've stayed and talked her through her stage fright, 302 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,432 but it was clear Joy didn't need me. 303 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,268 All she needed was a nip of whiskey, 304 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:18,271 followed by a pint of tequila. 305 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,473 ** [ Rock ] [ Announcer ] All right, Camden County! 306 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,276 It's time to turn your imaginations off and your eyeballs on... 307 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:27,447 for the sensual gyrations of Joy Turner! 308 00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:31,151 [ Cheering ] 309 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,054 Hey, this ain't my song. 310 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:37,824 No, this ain't-- this ain't my song. 311 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,593 * My blood runs cold My memories have just been sold * 312 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,795 Yes, it is! 313 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:47,334 [ Earl ] Although Joy had consumed enough liquor to have the courage to get up on stage, 314 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,569 well, she was dangerously close to fallin' off. 315 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:53,640 Change! What the hell do I look like, a fountain? 316 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,942 * Angel is a centerfold Na, na, na-na-na-na ** 317 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,711 [ Gagging ] [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Joy was a fountain. 318 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,682 After she threw up on the entire front row, Chubby called off the deal. 319 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,418 I can't go to jail, Earl. I can't give up this freedom. 320 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,388 -What are we gonna do now, Earl? -Hold on, Randy. I'm thinkin'. 321 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,425 We don't have a lot of time. They'll come get Joy as soon as Chubby takes his bail back. 322 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,227 I know. Give me a minute to think. 323 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,164 We don't have a minute, Earl. I need you to help me. 324 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:20,066 - I can't raise them kids on my own. - They'll eat him alive. 325 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,636 He can't even cook for his own damn self. How's he gonna cook for two boys? 326 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,838 I can't have 'em. I love my nephews, but-- 327 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:29,576 [ Earl Narrating ] You know how I said every group looks to one guy for all the answers, 328 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,544 and that guy is me? 329 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:35,582 Well, sometimes that guy passes out from the pressure. 330 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,087 [ Inhaling, Exhaling ] 331 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,190 - Hey, Earl. - ** [ Hip-hop ] 332 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,192 Hey, Crabman. 333 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,027 [ Earl Narrating ] I started to realize where I was and what happened. 334 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,298 But then I heard that song, and, well, I figured I must be dreamin'. 335 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,466 Catalina's jumpin', Earl. 336 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,936 It's just like it was in my head, only now I can show it to you. 337 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,639 [ Earl Narrating ] Only I wasn't. 338 00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:03,976 * Jump around Jump around * 339 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,679 * Jump around * 340 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,748 * Jump up, jump up and get down * 341 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,418 * Jump, jump, jump jump, jump * 342 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,687 * Jump, jump, jump, jump jump, jump, jump, jump ** 343 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,657 [ Announcer ] Give it up for Catalina! 344 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:21,694 Hey. So what made you change your mind about Joy? 345 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,197 Oh, I would never change my mind about Joy. 346 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,233 She's a buttbag. A what? 347 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,268 A buttbag. It's a bag of butts. 348 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:32,905 Anyway, when you passed out, I realized you were killing yourself to help a friend. 349 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:37,244 Joy's "gynocologicalist" said I had an anxiety attack. 350 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,679 I don't know why I let it all bother me so much. 351 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,215 Because you're a good man, a good friend. 352 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,317 You care so much, it was tearing you apart. 353 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:48,621 I was the only one who could ease your pain, but I was being small and petty. A buttbag. 354 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,624 [ Announcer ] Gentlemen, let's see if we can get her back up here. 355 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,694 Now a nice round of applause for Catalina! [ Cheering ] 356 00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,564 Always remember this: When I jump, I jump for Earl. 357 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,832 I would never jump for Joy. 358 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:04,471 [ Cheering, Whistling ] 359 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,139 [ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, Joy was out on bail. 360 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,877 Randy got to see what was already in his head, my eye stopped twitchin', 361 00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:15,648 and Catalina was back to doin' somethin' she loved, which made everybody happy, 362 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,050 especially the truckers in sweatpants. 363 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:22,789 But most importantly, I realized that even though Catalina wasn't Joy's friend, 364 00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,724 she was definitely mine. 365 00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:34,166 Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy? 366 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,469 If I had a squirt gun filled with vodka, 367 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:39,706 I'd shoot cops with it 'cause they couldn't get mad. 368 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,675 I think they'd still get mad, Randy. Really? 369 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,978 But they'd be gettin' free vodka. I'm gonna try it. 370 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,983 Well, have fun, 'cause you're only gonna get to do it once. 371 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,019 Good night, Randy. 372 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,622 Good night, Earl.