You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy and Darnell had recently learned a few tips on how to fight...
while watchin' Dr. Phil on TV.
You are making me feel very angry because my needs aren't bein' met.
And you are making me feel angry because your needs don't make sense.
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, one episode of Dr. Phil...
couldn't undo years of watchin' Springer.
Don't be a dummy, damn it! Just do what I tell you to!
Throw me a surprise party for my birthday next month. But you won't be surprised.
I can act surprised. Look.
[ Earl Narrating ] Not only was the two of them arguing fun to watch,
but it also gave me a chance to do number 183 on my list--
never took Joy's side.
When we were married, I wasn't very good...
at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.
Twelve ball, side pocket.
Okay, do it again, and I'm gonna pop those booby implants of yours...
and make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.
It was an accident, Joy.
And I think they're real.
Oh, so you're on her side?
[ Narrating ] And I definitely didn't take her side when it came to arguments with family.
Oh, I know you did not just monkey-grab a chip out of that bowl.
That actually takes quite a bit of skill, Joy. Try to dip one in the salsa.
Oh, so you're on his side?
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't even take her side in arguments with things...
that couldn't argue back.
Dang it! Got crab juice in my eye.
That's 'cause you cracked it the wrong way. You should always crack away from you.
Oh, so you're on the crab's side now?
[ Earl Narrating ] I was. And it was time to make up for it.
I've been waitin' my whole life for somebody to throw me a surprise party.
I'm sick of waitin'. This year I want one.
She's got a good point, Darnell. You hear that?
And that's comin' from the husband I left.
You can only imagine what kind of thin ice you're on.
Fine. I'll throw you a surprise party for your birthday.
[ Cell Phone Rings ] Gotta take that.
It's about damn time you called me back. I am in a bind here.
[ Earl Narrating ] The bind she was talkin' about was complicated.
It started 'cause Joy was obsessed with some TV show...
called Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.
I swear, those two are like American royalty.
Oh, snap!
Look at that big-ass TV disappear into that entertainment center.
I want a disappearin' TV. Yeah.
With a bottle of Cristal sittin' on top. That's how the Federlines roll.
We're gonna get us one of those disappearin' TV furniture things. I mean it. I want it.
[ Earl Narrating ] So about a week ago, Joy finally saved up enough money...
to get that disappearin' TV.
But unfortunately, she ran into a big problem.
[ Grunting ]
I got an idea.
Come on. You got it. Push.
Come on. It's almost in there.
Push.
I got an idea.
Damn it! How did Britney and Kevin do it?
[ Grunting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] When Joy went to return it, she ran into yet another problem.
- You can't return this. - What?
- The receipt has gum in it. - I know. It's Fruit Stripe. Just pull it off.
I'm sure you can still see the disappearin' TV furniture thing on there.
The gum took off half the item number.
Sorry. The system won't take it back without an item number.
What? Uh-uh. Oh, hell, no.
[ Earl Narrating ] After 45 minutes of arguin' and throwin' a shoe,
Joy realized she was just gonna have to make the best of her situation.
[ TV Turns On ]
So much glare out here, I can't tell if that's the white lady judge or the black lady judge.
Hey, get out of my damn livin' room! [ Thunderclap ]
Oh, God, please, no.
I need a third umbrella! Maybe we should unplug the cord before--
Son of a bitch.
Okay, I'm leavin' it here. It's yours. I have returned it.
And somehow or another, I'm gonna get my $3,000 back.
- No, you won't. - Yes, I will.
- No. You won't. - Yes, I will.
** [ Rock ]
[ Man ] * Ooh-hoo
* Billy Joe shot a man while robbin' his castle *
Cha-ching!
* Ooh-hoo
* Go on Take the money and run *
* Ooh-hoo
I got my $3,000! [ Laughing ]
* Go on Take the money and run *
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy stashed the truck in the woods until today,
when she finally got a call from the one guy in Camden County who would buy anything.
- It's too risky. - Too risky?
You sold a damn Iranian baby.
Yeah, but it didn't have "Iranian Baby" painted on the side of it in big letters.
Like they're not gonna know he's Iranian once he's old enough to talk.
Look, this is a great deal. All I want is the $3,000 that they owe me.
Whatever. I don't buy stolen trucks from amateurs.
- Why not? - Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair.
They make mistakes.
It was not mistake.
Yeah, well, you better pray I find that earlobe.
He won't find.
Jasper is too much sissy to be real criminal.
This is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck.
I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper.
I like you. If I could ever get used...
to staring at that thing on your face, we could hang out.
This is no truck. This is giant camper.
Something is fishes. You are police. I know it.
Oh, calm down. I just gotta pick up the truck keys.
So jumpy all of a sudden. I just don't like surprises.
[ All ] Surprise!
[ Panting ]
- What the hell are you doing? - Throwing you a surprise birthday party.
- My birthday is not until next month. - That's the surprise part.
- Idiot. - It was Earl's idea.
Y'all are all idiots!
I think you should go talk to her. Dumb dummies!
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
That lady dropped her purse, and some stuff rolled out.
Cool. It's an earlobe.
So you planned all this because of some list thing?
Number 183-- never took Joy's side. Now, come back in.
We got a whole piñata full of cigarettes for you to swing at.
- I don't feel like it. - Why? You're the one that wanted a party.
Not when it's gonna cost me $3,000.
[ Balloon Squeaking ]
[ High-pitched ] * We represent the Lollipop Guild *
* The Lollipop Guild The Lollipop Guild *
Randy, those aren't helium balloons.
[ Normal Voice ] Oh, too bad. [ Balloon Squeaking ]
- You stole a truck? - Because they wouldn't give me my money back.
It was a crime of principle, like when Rosa Parks stole that bus.
- They wouldn't even give you store credit? - No.
- That doesn't seem fair. - Thank you.
Which is why you have to help me sell the truck.
Sell the truck? Joy, that's against the law.
Earl, this is not about the law. It's about right and wrong.
Isn't that what your list is about? Rightin' wrongs? Do unto others?
All that Robin Hood, Batman, Jesus stuff?
Well, you got a good point. The store did do you wrong.
I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell the truck, but Robin Hood might.
Okay, I'll do it.
But you're not gettin' a penny more than $3,000.
Of course not. That would be wrong.
[ Earl Narrating ] The first thing you have to do with a stolen truck...
is make sure it can't get traced back to its owner.
Randy was especially excited about this.
Somethin' about the combination of fumes and bright colors...
made Randy love to spray paint.
In fact, he made a name for himself...
as one of Camden County's most gifted graffiti artists.
It's perfect, Earl. Yeah, it really is.
I just don't know if it's a good idea...
to paint your name in six-foot letters on the side of a stolen truck.
I'm gonna go into town and get some more white paint to cover up my name.
Good idea.
If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on its side.
That's pretty. I'd probably read more often if people wrote like that all the time.
What's in there, anyway? I don't know.
You haven't even looked yet? No.
I just want my three grand. I don't really care what's back there.
But there could be $3,000 worth of stuff in here--
TVs, stereos, nunchakus.
Be a lot easier to sell that stuff than this stolen truck.
Oh.
Wait!
[ Man ] Ow!
[ Screams ]
There's a man in there, Joy! There's a man in the truck.
I know. A hairy one.
Why is there a man in the truck, Joy? I don't know!
Maybe he was in there when you stole it.
Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back of it?
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Joy was that stupid.
Some poor guy was unloadin' boxes when Joy decided to get her revenge on the store.
After she ran off, he tried to get out, but the door was locked.
Okay, you got me.
Let's get back to work now. Eric!
Help!
[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, this truck was from a store that sold a little bit of everything.
So he had plenty to eat and plenty to keep him entertained.
Yes! Nice.
Help! Anybody? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Why did I help you? Why? Why? Why?
All right, all right. Look. We'll leave him in the back of the truck.
We'll make an anonymous call so they know where to find him.
I am not leavin' this truck. I still need to sell it.
With a man locked in the back? Don't you think that's gonna be problem?
- For the person who buys it. - We're not sellin' a truck with a man in the back!
Look, if we let him out, he's gonna see what we look like.
Maybe not.
[ Earl Narrating ] We finally figured out a way to release the guy Joy stole.
We just had to stay out of sight.
[ British Accent ] All right, love, I want you to listen to me carefully...
and do everything I say, and everything'll be okay.
Why are you talking funny? 'Cause I don't want him to identify my voice.
Yeah, but it sounds weird. It's British. That's how they sound.
British people don't steal trucks. They drink tea and live in castles.
You still out there? [ British Accent ] Uh, I-- I'm here, ma'am.
Uh, here's what I want you to do.
I want you to take off your shirt and use it as a blindfold.
You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog.
Okay! Blindfold's on!
Right, then. Now, when the back door opens, I want you to start running,
and don't look back or I'll shoot you.
And by the way, what you call soccer, we call football.
See? This worked out okay.
[ Grunts ]
Crap, crap, crap! Why me? Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Seems like most of the bad things are happening to this guy.
Let's just get out of here before he wakes up. We can't go, Joy.
What if a wild animal comes along and mauls him while he's out?
Just pee a circle around him. That'll keep the animals away.
I'm not gonna pee a circle around him. What if he wakes up and sees me?
So I gotta do everything? Look, we're not leavin' him.
Help me get him in the back of the truck. We gotta get him to a hospital.
We'll get caught. No, we won't.
We'll drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents.
So me and Joy put the passed-out guy in the back of the truck and headed to the hospital.
You like my earrings?
Yeah, I do like those earrings. I was about to say something earlier,
but then I got distracted by the hostage and all.
Where'd you get 'em? Flea market. You know the guy who sells the tube socks?
The guy with the regular tube socks or the guy with the irregular tube socks?
Irregular. Guy with regular went out of business. Good. He was a jerk.
Thought his socks made the world go around.
Yeah. Anyway, I got the earrings from irregular tube sock's wife.
- They're nice. - Thanks.
- One's bigger than the other. - Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything.
Look, Earl, I know this hasn't been a great day,
but I really appreciate you helpin' me out.
Who knows? Maybe one day we'll look back on this as an adventure.
Yeah, maybe so.
[ Engine Chugging ]
Outta gas?
Yep.
The plan was for me to walk to a gas station while Joy stayed behind to guard the truck.
Hey, bring me somethin'. What?
I don't know. Somethin' fun.
Surprise me. But with chocolate and peanuts.
- Snickers? - Damn it, Earl, I said surprise me!
[ Earl Narrating ] So I headed off.
** [ Rock ]
[ Man ] * I got to run to keep from hiding *
* And I'm bound to keep on riding *
[ Earl Narrating ] It was four miles of walking,
but I got the gas and made it back to the truck.
* But I'm not gonna let 'em catch me, no *
* Not gonna let 'em catch the midnight rider *
Hey, Earl. How'd you know where to find us?
I went back to the woods and the truck was gone, but I found the note you left.
I didn't leave a note. I know, Earl.
I was being sarcastic. You should've left a note.
You don't have to add it to your list or anything, but it would've been nice.
I'm sorry, Randy. Where's Joy?
I don't know. I figured she was with you.
Come here! Come here!
[ Grunts ]
There she is.
- What the hell happened? - Well--
Apparently Joy was too hungry to wait for me to get back,
and she remembered seein' snacks in the truck.
[ British Accent ] Yoo-hoo. You still knocked out?
Jolly good, then.
Son of a bitch Ferris Bueller'd me.
Hey, Earl, how come we got a guy in his underpants?
'Cause he was in the back of the truck and was accidentally kidnapped.
You know how Mom used to say,
"Always wear clean underwears, 'cause you never know what's gonna happen?"
I bet she was talkin' about stuff like this.
Probably. Randy, can you put him in the truck?
What do you hate more, flies or mosquitoes?
Why? Just making conversation. Damn, never mind.
Mosquitoes.
Me too.
You know, they say mosquitoes in Africa kill people.
Can you imagine the size those things gotta be?
- Pretty big. - [ Engine Starts ]
- Randy, where's the guy? - I put him in the truck, like you said.
I meant the back of the truck!
Drive faster! He's gettin' away. This is great, Earl.
You never drive this fast when I ask you to.
Hey, ask him if we can have bubble gum for dinner.
Would you just hurry up? We gotta catch him. Relax.
He'll run out of gas sooner or later--
Wait a minute. What are we gonna do when we catch him? He saw our face.
- I think she has to kill him. - She's not gonna kill him, Randy.
You're not gonna kill him, are you? No, I'm not gonna kill him!
You could cut out his tongue. He couldn't tell anyone what you looked like with no tongue.
Oh, wait, he could still draw you. Unless you cut off his fingers too.
- Randy-- - Hey, at least he's thinkin'.
- It's not his fault he's bad at it. - I got it.
-You could stab him in the eyes. -We're not stabbin' him in the eyes.
I just gotta make sure he doesn't squeal on me.
So we'll just snatch him up and put him in a little cage in the trailer.
What? Just until he becomes our friend and promises not to tell.
Joy, we're not puttin' him in a cage.
Well, what else should we do, Negative Nancy? I don't hear you givin' us any ideas.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I got the only decent idea I had all day.
This whole thing had gotten so outta hand that there was only one thing left to do.
[ Joy ] What are you doin'? Are we outta gas?
It's over, Joy.
What do you mean, "it's over"? It's not over. What are you talkin' about?
What are you doin'? You said you were on my side!
[ Earl Narrating ] Joy didn't realize it, but I was on her side.
She asked me for my help sellin' a stolen truck,
but that turned into a kidnapping and assault.
And my past experience as a criminal told me it was time to call it off.
Besides, my guess was that the guy was so scared...
he probably didn't even get a good look at Joy.
Unfortunately, my guess was wrong.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ] She was charged with grand theft auto,
kidnapping and assault.
Which would've been my second guess.
Randy, do you think it's my fault Joy went to jail?
Randy?
I'm tryin' to sleep, Earl. Can't this wait till morning?
You woke me up last night to ask if I thought monkeys ever worried about their looks.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Do you think they do?
I already told you, if they worried about their looks, they'd wear pants.
Yeah.
Night, Randy. Good night, Earl.