You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] Back in my criminal days,
I used to steal loose change out of cars.
Since there's no way to give the right change back to the right people,
I have to find other ways to pay the world back.
- Hey, Earl, wait up. - Officer Ross.
You, uh, dropped your gun.
Oh.
[ Grunts ] Cool.
Thanks. Uh, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket...
because it's illegal puttin' money in other people's meters.
Seriously? Why? I don't know.
Anyways, I'm gonna need to see your license.
My license?
I don't have my license. My ex-wife does and won't give it back.
- Why? - Well, 'cause she's crazy...
and it gives her an excuse to torture me.
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
You sure this will help the guys in the Gulf win the war?
Once I go spread-eagle Whitesnake-style on the hood, it will.
Those boys need to remember what they're fightin' for.
Hold on. I got an eye booger the size of a walnut.
Oh, snap.
Earl's driver's license. [ Chuckles ]
Holdin' on to this for a rainy day.
Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That would have been cool.
- Like you're a evil genius or something. - That would have been cool.
I'm holdin' on to this for a rainy day!
I think you need clouds for thunder.
[ Wings Flapping ]
[ Gasps ] Look at that bird up there.
How the hell do they stay up there like that?
Wait. So what you're sayin' is, is that you've been...
operatin' your motor vehicle without a license.
Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm sayin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] So instead of gettin' one ticket, I got two.
I couldn't understand why karma was punishing me for tryin' to do somethin' good.
And why was it makin' me go see Joy?
Joy, just give me my license.
Why? What's in it for me?
Well, you'd be doin' a nice thing,
which would get you two steps closer to heaven.
And if I had to guess, you're probably a few steps closer to somewhere else.
Look, Earl, I'd love to give you your license back.
But before I return it, I'm gonna need to see some form of identification.
Some-- Some kind of picture I.D. Perhaps a license.
You know, Joy, technically, that license is state property.
It doesn't belong to either one of you.
Darnell, you're paintin' a turtle right now,
and I'm not takin' legal advice from you or any other turtle painter.
I'm just makin' him more visible. The kids keep steppin' on him.
You want your license back?
Well, I want somethin' from you.
Fine. What do you want me to do?
I want you to fix that hole in the wall...
behind the Jesus-eatin'-dinner picture that you put there.
[ Earl Narrating ] The hole Joy was talkin' about...
dated back to a fight we'd had years before.
You cheatin' son of a bitch! You're supposed to say "uno" when you only got one card left!
I said "one." You're supposed to say "uno"! It's a Mexican game.
This is why the kids won't play Candy Land with you anymore.
Joy, I'm not gonna fix that hole. Why not?
Isn't that what you do on your idiot list? Fix things?
Only things that are my fault, and that hole isn't one of 'em.
I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture.
That's a relief. Last week it was bangin' on the wall...
and I thought Jesus was mad at me for puttin' that Darwin fish on the back of the car.
I guess it was just windy.
Come on, Randy. We have to drop Catalina off and head down to the courthouse.
I'm gonna have to pay for a new license. Hold on.
I'm tryin' to get two earthworms to fight.
The one on the left keeps running. Come on, homes. Kick his butt.
Do worms have butts?
If they do, they look just like their faces.
[ Earl ] Hey, that one looks kinda angry.
Maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.
I don't think that would work. If you cut me in half, I wouldn't fight with my legs.
I'd try to work with 'em and get us to a hospital.
- Hey, guys. - [ All ] Hey, Crab Man.
Darnell, do you know anything about gettin' worms to fight?
Worms don't fight. They're peaceful, loving people. They got five hearts.
Listen, Earl, I'm gonna turn around, and then I'm gonna bend over and tie my shoe.
You might wanna thumb through my hair while I do.
Okay.
Thanks, Crab Man.
No problem, Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] That was by far the best thing I'd ever found in Darnell's hair.
And so I went down to the courthouse to pay my tickets.
Bein' a metal detective's gotta be the best job in the whole world.
You get to see what everyone's got in their pockets.
Go on through. [ Beeping ]
- [ High-pitched Tone ] - Look, this happens every time I come through here.
- Where's Phil? Phil knows. - Phil has the bird flu. He's gonna be on the news.
No, look, uh, it's nothing. [ High-pitched Tone ]
I-- I have a condition.
What kind of condition?
[ Softly ] There's a-- a BB in my ass.
There's a-- a BB in my-- You have a what?
[ Loudly ] A BB in my ass, okay? I have a BB in my ass!
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized karma wasn't punishing me by giving me those tickets.
It was leadin' me to the courthouse to find her-- Gwen Waters.
When I was little, I had a crush on Gwen.
[ Ricochet ] There was just somethin' about her.
And while I never worked up the courage to talk to her, other guys did.
And I didn't like it.
I learned two things that day.
I hated guys with alligators on their shirts--
[ Yelps ] and I was a terrible shot.
- Oh, crap. - You just shot me!
Why won't you believe me?
We need a female officer here for a cavity search.
- We need to take you down here. - I really don't like to be touched.
I know what I gotta do next on my list, Randy.
Number 147-- shot Gwen Waters in the ass with a BB.
I have a certain sensitivity to latex, okay? I-I'm sure if you--
- For the love of God, will somebody please call Phil? - This way, ma'am.
[ Earl Narrating ] After I paid my ticket, I waited around to talk to Gwen.
Prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money...
in exchange for sex at the Rainbow Burger drive-through.
That's a lie. I wasn't takin' money for sex.
I was takin' burgers for sex.
And curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a "lookee."
What? It's my Tuesday afternoon special.
Uh, Your Honor, I think we might need to talk about a plea bargain here.
Five-minute recess. In my chambers.
Gwen? No, I will not draw your stupid kid.
- No, Gwen, it's me, Earl Hickey. - Earl Hickey.
How was that cavity search? Do you got any, or do you brush pretty good?
- Randy, different cavity. - Idiot.
Name-caller. Wait. Gwen, look. I need to talk to you.
I made a list of all the bad things I've done and...
well, your ass is on it.
See? Number 147-- shot Gwen Waters in the--
- Well, you know where. - You should have put down how you lied to my dad about it.
[ Earl Narrating ] It never occurred to me shooting Gwen...
wasn't the worst thing I did to her that day.
Oh, my God! You just shot me!
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd like to say I ran to Gwen's house to apologize,
but the truth is I didn't want to get in trouble. I didn't shoot her.
I shot a crow carrying a rock. It must have dropped and hit her in the butt.
Gwen, how many times have I told you, don't play with birds?
[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily for me, Gwen's dad was a crazy drunk...
who believed a stupid lie from a juvenile delinquent over his own daughter.
No way! Dad, are you actually going to believe that crap?
Inside. Inside!
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
Son of a bitch never believed a word I said.
That was the last time I ever talked to him.
Are you serious? In 20 years?
Yep. Two weeks later he left my mom for another woman.
I don't even know where he lives.
Out of my way! I'm not goin' to jail for a cheeseburger "handy"!
[ Yelps ]
I gotta go draw that.
- [ Man ] Oh, damn it, Patty! - Just forget about it, Earl. I'll see you around.
[ Randy ] Why'd you ever have a crush on her?
She's a bitch, not the good kind like that "Kiss my grits" lady from the diner show.
She was all, "Kiss my grits." We should go to Arizona.
Did you hear that, Randy? Because of me, her and her dad never talked again.
I gotta fix that.
Before, when you said "different cavity," did you mean butt cavity?
I'm afraid so, Randy.
Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.
[ Earl Narrating ] It ends up, Gwen's dad wasn't hard to find.
He was livin' outside Hendersonville.
I found out later, it was 'cause they wouldn't let him inside Hendersonville.
Mr. Waters?
My name is Earl Hickey, and you may not remember me,
but I wanna talk to you about your daughter.
"Kipsie fopps."
Always like-- [ Belches ] Good lightbulb.
Yeah, 60-watt is a fine bulb.
Anyway, how would you feel about goin' to Camden to see your daughter?
[ Mumbles ]
I bet he's had 20 beers today.
That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.
I don't think he understood a word I said.
Maybe we should go and come back another time.
I don't think we can. Karma brought me to the courthouse to do this now.
[ Grunting ]
He's not just drunk. He's Uncle Roger drunk. I know.
Look, we'll just bring him back to Camden anyway. We'll pour some coffee in him.
When he sobers up, I'll explain what I'm tryin' to do, and then I'm sure he'll want to see Gwen.
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out, gettin' Gwen's dad back to Camden was a royal pain.
When we stopped to get coffee to sober him up,
even that turned into a nightmare.
There's no more! Can I get some more cups, please!
[ Yelps, Groans ]
- S-Sorry about that! - [ Urinating ]
That's not the bathroom!
Where is he?
Hey! [ Laughs ] Got you!
[ Earl Narrating ] We got him off the roof...
by tellin' him we had beer hidden in the back of the El Camino,
and if he could find it, he could have it.
Sign says 60 miles to Camden.
I wonder why they call it a mile.
Well, because that's what it is.
What else are you gonna call it, a "clorp"?
No one would know what you're talkin' about.
What are you doin'?
- [ Brakes Squealing ] - [ Car Honks ]
Son of a bitch.
[ Earl Narrating ] After losing Gwen's dad,
we backtracked to his trailer, hopin' to find him there.
I miss Uncle Roger. Except for when he used to lick my cheeks.
'Cause he was hungry and you had food on your face.
If you would have used a napkin once in a while, he would have let you alone.
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
I don't think we can get this guy back to Camden, Randy.
I'm gonna have to bring Gwen here. Let's start by gettin' him inside.
[ Earl Narrating ] Patchin' up Gwen and her father was provin' to be hard,
but we weren't givin' up.
Back at the trailer park, Darnell was tryin' to patch things up too.
Look, baby, I fixed the wall.
That's for Earl to fix, not you.
All right, this is all the booze he's got.
It's gonna take a couple hours to get Gwen.
Make sure he doesn't drink anything. [ Mr. Waters Shouting ]
What's he doin'? He's awake, so I put him in the bath and threw in a bar of soap.
What'd he look like naked? Kinda like E.T. when they found him by the river.
That poor little monkey. He just wanted to phone home.
[ Earl Narrating ] When I got to the courthouse,
I had to wait for a break in the trial to talk to Gwen.
You Honor, the defendant solicited sex...
from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
That is a lie.
Show the video.
Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day,
but would you like to have sex with me for money?
Uh, You Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.
[ Earl Narrating ] When I told Gwen what I was doin', well, she wasn't very happy.
No way. I am not going to Hendersonville to talk to that son of a bitch.
Gwen, it's my daughter Bianca's birthday--
I do not draw children, Claretta.
Look, I had a bad relationship with my dad too,
but patchin' it up makes you feel really good.
Yeah? But I'm guessing your father didn't treat you like crap your entire childhood.
I do not want cake, Claretta. Look, just forget about this, okay?
It's not your fault. You were just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Uh, but that's the thing. I'm the straw.
Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back.
Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back, that doesn't fix it.
The camel is still dead.
Camels can go 40 days without water.
We're done here.
[ Engine Shuts Off ]
She wouldn't come with me.
Where's the booze?
Randy, why is the door locked?
He tricked me.
Please don't make me say how.
[ Lock Clicks ]
He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
Randy, bologna isn't your favorite food. Animal crackers are.
No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal.
Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I snapped.
I was gonna get Gwen and her father together whether they liked it or not.
Oh, crap. There she is. Here, get these boards off.
Uh, hey, Gwen. Oh, for the love of God.
If I shoot you with a BB gun, will you leave me alone? It's too late for that.
I know what you said about the whole camel and straw thing, and you're a better arguer than me.
I just can't live with this on my conscience.
So I went ahead and brought your dad here. You what?
Hey, I tell you! Geez!
Get out of the way there, bologna boy.
Earl, his pants are down.
He doesn't know that, Randy. Just pull 'em up.
I don't wanna. He's gross and his pants are gross.
- Randy. - Oh, my God. That's my dad?
That's his house?
Hey, hey, no. No!
He looks terrible. I know.
He's kind of a drunk.
No! You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em.
My God, look at him. You want me to hold him down so you can talk to him?
No. Please? If you talk to him for a minute, I'm sure--
I can't believe I wasted half my life being angry at him,
thinkin' he got away with treating me like crap.
Look at him.
[ Grunts ]
He didn't get away with anything. He just...
got what was coming to him.
Karma.
Well, this is weird.
For the first time in 20 years, I don't feel mad at my dad.
It's nice. [ Chuckles ]
[ Earl Narrating ] It was then I remembered why I had a crush on Gwen 20 years ago.
It was her smile.
She always had a beautiful smile.
So, you gonna go talk to him?
No. I already got everything I needed.
Thanks for bringin' him down here, Earl.
And cross me off your list.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'd be lyin' if I said this was the end I was rootin' for.
I was hopin' Gwen and her dad would make up on the spot.
But sometimes relationships don't work out that way.
Sometimes the best you can hope for is at least one person walkin' away happy again.
I locked him in the El Camino. [ Engine Starts ]
I might have locked him in there with the keys.
That's all right, Randy. He won't get far.
He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot...
over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.
Let's go follow him.
Could we stop and get some bologna? I got a taste for bologna.
I can't make any promises, but if we see a place.
[ Earl Narrating ] Once Gwen let go of some of that anger at her dad,
not only did she find her smile again,
well, she found the smiles in other people too.
I hereby sentence you to a $500 fine.
Any chance you wanna take that 500 out in trade?
I'll let you take a ride on the Patty wagon. Whoo!
Excuse me. You do such beautiful work. Would you sketch my little girl?
Why not?
[ Earl Narrating ] And I realized that sometimes,
even when you didn't do anything wrong,
it's okay to let stuff go and try to patch things up.
See? I told you it was your fault, dummy.
[ Earl Narrating ] It's better this way. Holdin' on to anger just eats you up inside.
Besides, karma's always there to make sure things come out the way they should.
Damn it. Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?