You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] As important as it is for me to cross things off my list,
it's also important to take time out to enjoy the finer things in life,
like jumpin' a tiny motorcycle over my brother's head.
I'm excited. I'm gonna stick my tongue out to see if he touches it.
But you gotta tell me what it looks like 'cause I'm too scared to keep my eyes open.
Earl, we got a problem.
- Ow. - Jesse's back.
[ Earl Narrating ] The Jesse Joy was talkin' about was my ex-girlfriend.
She was also number 145 on my list.
I first met Jesse at her workplace.
In business terms, I was what they call a repeat customer.
You keep this up, I'm gonna have to rename this place Hickey Bail Bonds.
Well, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you to institute a no nut-kicking policy. Ow!
Ooh! [ Chuckles ] Sorry about that.
Here. You can use my nut ice for your head.
It's only been on the outside of my pants.
Aren't you a gentleman.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was love at first sight.
So we started hangin' out.
In fact, Jesse was the first person to ever let me jump her with a tiny motorcycle.
She even got along with Randy,
who finally found someone who enjoyed Mad Libs as much as he did.
[ Randy ] Okay, read it back. Okay.
"Once upon a time, there was a butt princess who lived in a beautiful butt castle."
[ Laughing ] "Until one day she was captured by a fire-breathing butt."
[ Gasping ] "A beautiful butt castle."
That's just crazy.
[ Earl Narrating ] Things were goin' so well,
she even gave me a three-week anniversary present.
Oh, my God! Metallica tickets!
Third row! That's close enough to get sweat on.
I know. I'll see you later.
[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Jesse had a good thing goin'.
And it was all happenin' pretty fast.
But, not as fast as it happened later that night with Joy.
In just seven hours, I went from havin' a semi-serious three-week girlfriend...
to bein' the husband of a pregnant woman whose name I kept forgettin'.
I thought about callin' Jesse to talk to her...
and tell her what I had done.
But then I realized that I'd have to talk to her and tell her what I had done.
[ Joy ] Oh, snap.
You got us Metallica tickets for our honeymoon?
[ Clears Throat ] Actually, those tickets are for, uh,
our honeymoon. Metallica tickets!
I am so takin' off my panties and sittin' on your shoulders.
That might upset the people behind us.
There ain't nobody behind us.
[ Earl Narrating ] If tellin' Jesse it was over was difficult before,
our Metallica honeymoon had made it impossible.
Great concert. Baby liked it too.
He's still bangin' his tiny fists on my cootie wall.
He's gonna be a drummer.
[ Earl Narrating ] But Jesse eventually tracked me down,
which wasn't hard because there were two places I like to drink.
And since I wasn't in my El Camino, well, she found me.
Hide me.
Sweetie, where have you been?
Are you okay? I've been tryin' to reach you for days.
Yeah, I, uh--
You went to the concert without me?
Now, honey, why would he take you? It was our honeymoon trip.
Look, Lars even signed my baby hump.
What is she talking about, "honeymoon"?
It's actually a pretty funny story. Uh--
We got married, sweetheart. Read it and weep.
That's not the funny version.
You married... this whore?
I'm sorry. Maybe you need to read it again.
Now, put those teeth under your pillow,
and maybe the tooth fairy will bring you your own man.
[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad about Jesse, but what was I gonna do?
I was married now, and after seein' my wife's left hook,
I decided it was best to stay on her good side.
And I figured six years later Jesse would have forgotten about me...
and what Joy did to her, but I was wrong.
Okay, we got Hank Lange, broke out of jail. Look's like 10 G's.
Our buddy, Ralph Mariano. Larceny of a dog, resisting arrest. 1,200.
Joy Turner, formerly known as Joy Hickey.
[ Lisping ] Did you just say Joy Hickey?
Yeah, Joy Hickey. Failure to appear on a traffic ticket. 200.
- I'll take this one. - Not worth our time.
It's worth mine.
[ Earl Narrating ] Even though Joy's bounty was 200 bucks...
and a bounty hunter license was 250, Jesse took the loss.
She wasn't in it for the money.
She could have gone after Joy right then,
but she didn't want to bring her in.
She wanted to bring her down. [ Grunts ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And so she set out to get tough.
Tough enough that she wouldn't be humiliated again.
Eighteen.
Nineteen.
[ Meowing ]
I'll feed you in a second, Lolly!
Twenty.
- Now finish him! - [ Screams ]
[ Man Groans ]
[ Growling ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And after a few months,
that sweet secretary had turned into an ass-kickin' bounty-huntin' machine.
[ Both Shouting ]
[ Screams ]
I like that Wonderbug. I wish we had a car that flew. Hmm.
I wish we had a car we didn't have to start with a spoon.
It seems a shame to waste your wish on somethin' that small.
[ Man ] Bounty hunter! Bounty hunter?
Bounty hunter! Bounty hunter!
Bounty! Bounty hunter!
Oh, crap.
- Hey! Hey! - What?
Where's Joy Turner? I got a warrant for her arrest.
I gotta go. Quick, give me the car spoon.
[ Earl Narrating ] Since Joy didn't want to go to jail,
she hightailed it over to me lookin' for some help.
Jesse, huh? Yeah. She looks tough, and she's got a shotgun with her.
She could toss me in the air and shoot me like skeet.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I knew I had to do number 145 on my list--
ditched Jesse to marry Joy.
Earl, do we have any scissors?
This motorcycle's startin' to hurt my head skin.
I don't understand this, Joy. How can Jesse take you to jail?
I got a warrant out for not appearin' in court for a stupid traffic ticket.
I mean, just 'cause the car's stuck in reverse...
don't mean the kids don't have to go to school.
This is all your fault, Earl.
I know it is. I shouldn't have left her the way I did.
I guess she never got over me. [ Hair Rips ]
[ Exhales ] It's probably the mustache.
Don't worry, Joy. I'll go talk to her.
- Maybe you should shave first. - Randy, that is not an option.
You wanna play Mad Libs?
Yeah. Here's a Mad Lib. Shut the blank up.
Shut the "butt" up. Do another one.
[ Earl Narrating ] Meanwhile, Darnell was busy tryin' to stall Jesse.
- Hey, Crab Man. - Hey, Earl.
- Where is she? - She's in the bedroom tearin' things up,
lookin' for clues and whatnot.
I'm totally freakin' out. Can you tell?
- Not really. - I had a little cocktail.
Hey, Jesse.
Wow, you look, uh, intense.
[ No Lisp ] Thank you.
- Where is she, Earl? - I don't know.
You're lying. I'm trained to spot liars.
I'm not lyin'. Seriously, I took a seminar at the Marriott.
I sat in the front row. You're lying.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Where is she, Earl?
Look, Jesse, I'm the one who dumped you for another girl, and I'm sorry about it.
I'll make it up to you. I'll pay off your dentist bill.
Or your jeweler bill or whoever put those in.
This isn't about you.
This is about respect for the law...
and me knockin' that bitch's teeth out for resisting.
[ Exhales ]
Are you scared to go to jail?
Wouldn't you be? Not really.
You're goin' to girl jail. That's way different than regular jail.
- How so? - 'Cause it's chicks.
It's just truth or dare and pillow fights. Like a slumber party.
Did you talk to her? Is she gonna take me to jail?
Not right away. She's plannin' on knockin' your teeth out first.
I can't lose my teeth, Earl.
I'm gonna be the first woman in my family to get to 30 with all my originals.
Relax, Joy. She doesn't know where we are. I'll figure somethin' out.
I need to calm down. Give me a light.
If you're gettin' locked up, you should save your cigarettes.
They're like money in jail. And that's the same for boy jail and girl jail.
That's weird. I had a book of matches in here.
[ Banging ]
Joy!
I know you're hiding her in there, Earl!
She picked my pocket.
I know you're in there, Earl.
I can tell by the light flickering behind the peephole every time you move your head.
I learned that at the Marriott too.
We're goin' out to the R.V. in the woods. Call us when she's gone.
- How am I supposed to call if she makes me dead? - [ Jesse ] Joy!
Come on, come on, come on!
[ Banging ]
- Hey, Jesse. - Hi, Randy. Nice to see you.
You look great. Are you doing something different with your hair?
I switched shampoo.
Well, it's workin' out for you.
Hey, have you seen your brother or Joy?
No.
[ Earl Narrating ] Back in the day, when Joy and I wanted...
to get away from the hustle and bustle of Camden,
we went to our vacation home we found by the lake.
The fact that it was an abandoned R.V. meant there were no bills to pay,
but it also meant there were no keys and it had mushrooms growin' in the carpet.
Whoo! It's colder in here than it is outside.
I'll try to find us some blankets.
[ Both Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out a homeless man had claimed our vacation home away from us,
and he wasn't leavin' without a bribe.
I want a pair of shoes and a 35-second hug from the cute one.
All right. Sounds fair.
[ Earl Narrating ] What we didn't realize at the time was...
the shoes he wanted were Joy's,
and the one he wanted a hug from was me.
Thanks for the jacket, Earl.
If anyone deserves to be cold, it's me.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
It's your brother. Hello?
I wanna start out by sayin' I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Randy, did you tell her where we were?
I'm sorry, Earl. She found my weakness.
[ Screaming ] [ Earl Narrating ] Meanwhile, at the motel,
Jesse was workin' Randy, tryin' to find out where me and Joy were.
They're in the R.V.! They're in the R.V.!
They're in-- [ Grunts ]
Okay. Don't worry. We're not gonna let her take you to jail.
Here's what we'll do. I'll drive you to Goshen.
There's an old barn out there me and Ralph used to hide out in, Ponyboy style.
If I'm gonna sleep in a barn, I might as well go to jail.
You're right. We'll find you a motel around here.
Earl. No, don't worry. I'll pay.
No, Earl, you're not gonna pay. Yes, I am.
Look, I got enough for the first night.
I'll go back to my place to get more. Earl, just stop.
You don't have to do any more, Earl.
Look, you snuck me all the way up here.
You gave me your jacket and your shoes.
You did some gay stuff with a homeless guy. You've done enough already.
But this whole thing's my fault, Joy. It's on my list.
I ditched Jesse to run off with you.
Earl, you didn't run off.
I stole you.
[ Earl Narrating ] It seems Joy's lyin' and deceivin' me...
had started before we even met.
I'll see you later.
Y'all, I'm serious. I don't know how I'm gonna pay for this baby.
I don't even have a place to live.
If I don't find a man soon, I'm screwed.
How about that guy? He looks sweet.
That boy? Y'all, just 'cause I'm pregnant don't mean I'm gonna marry Corky.
What's this? Hold the phone.
Don't do it, baby. Don't do it.
Don't lick the chalk. Put it down.
He's perfect. But y'all gonna have to get him ready for me first.
[ Earl Narrating ] There's only one way to get a guy like me ready to marry a pregnant woman.
[ Crowd Chanting ] Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
[ Slurred ] Your girls are great.
You girls are great, 'cause--
[ Laughs ]
Wait. What were we-- What were we talkin' about?
- I think he's ready. - Boo, if you think we're great, you gonna love our friend Joy.
Joy, huh?
She sounds great.
Oh, no, you didn't! Tell me you didn't just go old school.
Hey. Hey.
[ Earl Narrating ] And that right there was all it took.
The next mornin', I had a hangover and Joy had a husband.
Oh, my God. You're married?
Yeah, sweetie. To you.
Excuse me.
Hey, Robin.
Guess who don't have to move into the shelter with you anymore.
My baby's got a daddy. [ Giggles ]
[ Earl Narrating ] For a minute I wondered if, once again,
I had drunk nine months of my life away.
Wow. I, uh-- Wow.
Look, Earl, you have a lot of bad stuff you done on that list,
but what happened to Jesse was my fault.
It shouldn't be on there.
Thanks, Joy.
I'm sorry for trickin' you into marryin' me...
while I was carryin' another man's baby,
and for havin' yet another man's baby,
and for leavin' you while you were in the hospital,
and some other stuff.
You know what? It's okay.
We had a rough six years together, but there were a lot of parts I loved.
There were a lot of parts I loved too.
Earl? Give me another minute.
Just tryin' to get that gay homeless guy out of my mind.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was proud of Joy for turnin' herself in.
She was on the road to a better life.
Unfortunately, that road had Jesse's Suburban in it.
Crap, crap, crap.
- Let me go talk to her. - Earl.
You done enough takin' care of me. You stay here.
I'm gonna go take care of this by myself.
Look, Jesse. I'm turnin' myself in.
There is no need for any violence.
We both know this isn't about you going to jail.
Say good-bye to your teeth, bitch.
[ Spits ]
[ Groans ]
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
[ Screams ]
Where the hell did you learn to fight like that?
I watch a lot of Springer.
Here. Melt these down. Bail me out.
[ Panting ]
[ Engine Starts ]