You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ TV: Chattering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The nice thing about the list being my only job...
is that I get to set my own work schedule.
Unfortunately, I don't get to set Catalina's.
Catalina, how much longer you gonna be with that vacuum?
It's making the TV scratchy.
Maybe I'd be done faster if there weren't clothes everywhere.
I told you I'd help pick up after I watch the show.
I just want to make sure Sigmund gets away from that big purple puppet with-- Go, go, go, go.
What's that?
It's a paycheck from Rotman Construction made out to Randy.
Randy who? Randy me?
Those are my pants. Is it Randy me? I think it's Randy me. Is it Randy me?
Yeah. It's Randy you.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes when me and Randy were low on funds,
we'd work a few days doing odd jobs.
I don't know why people complain about this asbestos stuff.
[ Sniffs ] It doesn't smell so bad.
Doing great, guys!
Here's your checks and your 1099 form.
Our what form?
So you can pay your taxes.
How long are these good for? There's no "explanation" date on it.
I-- I-- I think I have to add "cheated the government" to my list.
I need to pay the government the taxes I owe 'em.
What for? Government doesn't do anything for us.
And besides, haven't you given them enough money in your life?
[ Earl Narrating ] It was true. Over the years, I had given the government a ton of dough.
Speeding in a school zone. Seventy-five dollars.
Public urination. Sixty dollars.
In a school zone. Eighty-five.
Knocking all the orange cones down on the freeway with my car door.
Thirty-three dollars. Dropping melons off a water tower.
Cantaloupes or honeydews? It was a mix.
- Forty-four. - [ Cash Register Bell Dings ]
The government's got plenty of money. They don't need your taxes.
It's on my list. But you just put it on.
If you rub it real quick, it'll smudge off, but you have to do it now before the ink sets.
Do it now, Earl. Earl, do it now. Ah, the ink is set.
Sorry. I gotta pay taxes.
So does that mean if I cash this check I have to pay taxes too?
I'm not gonna tell you what to do with your money.
You're a grown man. I think you know the right thing to do.
I think I do.
I feel so alive!
[ Earl Narrating ] I was a little disappointed Randy decided not to pay his taxes,
but I was happy he bought his first motorized transportation.
Even if it did have pedals.
Check it out, Earl. I got it up to 23 miles per--
[ Insect Buzzes ] [ Coughing ]
Swallow another bug?
[ Earl Narrating ] Since paying my taxes was the right thing to do,
I headed down to the government offices to give them the money I owed,
so I could cross them off my list.
Hello.
What can I do for you?
Well, a couple years ago, I made some money I didn't pay taxes on.
I think this should cover it.
Did we send you a form saying this money was required?
No. Then we're not expecting it, and we can not accept it.
Next. But--
Next. I--
Next. You gonna say that every time--
Next.
[ Earl Narrating ] It's bad enough figuring out how to pay your taxes...
when the government wants your money,
but how are you supposed to pay 'em when they don't?
Lucky for me, I had a suggestion for the government,
and they had a box for me to put it in.
I thought me and the government were even,
but a few days later I found out I was wrong.
Hey, Earl. Hey, Crab Man.
Hey. Government sent you a letter to the trailer.
That's a cool moped, Randy. Looks like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.
Thanks. You should get one too, and then we could start a moped gang.
We'll call it Salt and Pepper. You know, 'cause we both like salt and pepper on our fries.
Cool. Oh, man.
- What's the matter? - The government sent me my check back.
This letter says they don't have a record of me owing 'em $500.
Earl, if the government's trying to give you money you don't want,
give it over here because they owe me anyway.
- For what? - Slave reparations.
Government promised 40 acres and a mule.
Between Darnell and Earl Jr., we're due, like, 60 acres and a couple mules.
Or at least a Jet Ski or something.
Actually, my family immigrated from Canada.
Canada? Mm-hmm.
Look. When the government comes around with all the mules, please let me do the talkin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Darnell and Joy figured out...
what they were gonna do with their 60 acres and a Jet Ski,
I tried to figure out how to get the government off my list.
I don't know, Earl. You tried to do the right thing. Isn't that enough?
No, it's not, Randy. I should've done the right thing in the first place.
Now I need to figure out how to make it right.
- I don't know how you're gonna do-- - [ Crash ]
You all right? Yeah.
Stupid pothole tripped me. Why don't you watch where you're going?
Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute.
I am sittin'.
Oh.
When'd you grow a mustache?
[ Earl Narrating ] Hittin' that pothole may have knocked the sense out of Randy,
but it gave me a pretty good idea.
- Oh, hey, Officer. - Drop the weapon.
Uh, it's just a shovel.
What have you done? You bury a body in there?
Body? It's a five-inch hole.
Is it a baby body? Oh, crap.
Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Baby killer.
No, no, no, no, no. Just take a breath.
Everything's cool. I'm just filling in a pothole.
Trying to pay back the government some money I owe 'em.
Thank God. [ Sighs ]
Thought I was gonna have to dig up a baby.
[ Sighing ] So listen up.
You're gonna have to dig up that pothole.
Dig it up? That's right.
Potholes can only be filled by authorized government workers.
[ Earl Narrating ] I started to get a little frustrated.
Between the right forms and the right workers,
the government doesn't make it easy to pay 'em back.
But then I got an idea.
While I might not be an authorized government worker,
I did know a group of people who were.
You might wanna go back to the motel. This is gonna take a while.
What are you gonna do, Earl? Pay my taxes.
Excuse me.
[ Earl Narrating ] I told the guard I had a debt to society I needed to repay.
Since he had shot one of the prisoners who tried to escape earlier that morning,
he was shorthanded and happy for the help.
[ Man ] Earl Hickey? [ Laughs ]
What are you doin' here? What's up, Hank?
I'm just volunteering for the afternoon. I'm trying to pay back the government.
I once tried to give a little payback to the government.
I kidnapped the mailman and forced him to eat the PennySaver.
Yeah. I read about that in the next week's PennySaver.
Uh, you might want to slow down.
If it looks like you're in really good shape, someone's gonna try and buy you from me.
Can't slow down, Hank. I'm only here for the day.
Oh, yeah. That's right. Too bad. Tomorrow's the talent show.
The white supremacists are doing a scene from Grease.
[ Crow Squawking ] [ Grunts ]
Hey. Let's wrap it up.
Single file, everyone on the bus.
On the bus.
Oh, no, no. I'm-- I'm not one of them.
Sure you're not.
Wait. Wh-Where'd that other guard go?
No. Hey! I'm not one of 'em! I-- I'm really not supposed to be here.
A-Ask Hank. Tell him I'm just volunteerin'.
No, man. He's not supposed to be here. I'm not either.
This is my chance. We can both get out.
We're both volunteers. No. Hank.
We're both volunteers. [ All Chattering ]
Anybody wanna volunteer to get shot?
- [ Engine Starts ] - Yeah. That's more like it.
[ Man On P.A. ] Prisoners, face your cells. Toes on the line.
[ Earl Narrating ] The problem with being mistakenly incarcerated is that...
when it comes time for you to go to your cell, you don't have one.
- [ Buzzer Buzzes ] - Let's go.
I don't have anywhere to go. I keep telling you. I'm not supposed to be here.
Maybe you're supposed to be in solitary. Is that what you saying?
No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah.
You don't understand. This is all one big mistake.
Hey. I'm not supposed to be here. My name--
Hey. I'm Earl Hickey. I was just tryin' to pay back--
If you would just call my brother. He-- He can explain.
Uh, c-could I get wheat toast? The white gives me a little bit of--
Grape jelly?
Can you empty my bucket?
I'm not hungry.
Turns out Mr. Wheat Toast Grape Jelly is a free man.
Next time, speak up.
Let somebody know you're not supposed to be here.
Wait. Wait. I'm not supposed to be here.
I just want to give them back their stupid money. I can't believe this.
I don't know why you're having so much trouble.
I mean, they're all the time taking money from me.
Just last week I paid $20 for speeding in a school zone.
Hey. You paid 75 for that, Earl. How come you only paid 20?
'Cause I brushed my license against his knobby when I handed it to him.
That's it. That's how I can pay back the money.
You're gonna brush something against the government's knobby?
No. I'll just go out and do something bad,
and the government'll fine me for it.
Hey. I know how. You paint a big fake train tunnel on the rock outside of town.
You'd get fined for that. Plus maybe coyotes would run into it.
- Or roadrunners. - That'd be funny.
- Beep, beep. - Yeah. Beep, beep.
- Beep, beep. - Beep, beep.
[ Earl Narrating ] Having done this before,
I knew that the two of us trespassing together on this old, abandoned water tower...
would cost us $500 in fines.
It made perfect sense.
My whole life, the government only paid attention to me when they thought I was being bad.
So I had no choice. I was gonna be bad.
We knew from experience that it was windy at the top.
So we came prepared.
Now what? We just wait to get caught.
It's been, like, hours.
Hello! We're trespassin' up here.
Hello!
It's never taken us this long to get busted before.
I'm bored. You wanna wrestle?
Seems kind of dangerous all the way up here.
Yeah, but we have our ropes.
[ Grunts ]
Hey, Earl. Who am I?
First guy to land on the moon?
No. The astronaut guy on all the MTV commercials.
Hey. The helicopter's coming back.
Hey!
Hey! Over here! Over here!
Over here! Hey!
[ Creaking ]
[ Screaming ]
Randy. Randy, open your eyes.
There's no water in the water tower. Why don't they just call it a tower?
I can't believe we fell through the roof.
They should put a sign out front warning people.
Earl, what are we gonna do?
Don't worry. Someone will notice our car and come lookin' for us.
Okay, Randy.
I'm gonna climb my own rope all the way to the top.
Once I'm secure up there, I'm gonna tie my rope off,
use the leverage to pull you up by your rope.
- Okay. - All right.
[ Grunts ]
Too bad Coach Gebhardt isn't here to call you a girl and throw basketballs at your face.
That'd get you up there.
Hey. I got two candy bars in my pocket.
Randy. Why'd you drop it?
Because you didn't tell me you were gonna throw it.
Give me half of that one. No.
Ra-- Give it to me. No.
Get over here.
Randy, spit it out.
Randy.
[ Groaning ] Spit it out.
[ Groaning ]
Mine's the one in the wrapper, Randy.
[ Grunts ]
Damn it, Randy!
That was our only food.
What are we gonna do, Earl?
Just hang here until someone finds us.
[ Randy Snoring ]
I spy with my little eye something that is--
Is it a candy bar again?
Yeah.
[ Randy ] We're gonna die in here, aren't we?
[ Earl ] No.
Maybe.
Probably.
I can't believe this. [ Randy ] I'm sorry.
It's my fault the jumping broke the roof. It's 'cause I don't bend my knees when I land.
That's what the dance teacher who came to football practice told me.
I'm not mad at you, Randy. I'm mad at the government.
Had they just taken my money in the first place, we'd never be down here! [ Echoes ]
Ricola. [ Echoes ]
Stupid government. They think I'm bad.
They're the ones who are bad, Randy.
The tax woman who wouldn't take my money.
The cop who wouldn't let me fix the pothole.
The prison guard who threw me in solitary.
Why'd I ever want to pay 'em back?
Screw the government. They never did anything for us.
Hello. You guys all right down there?
[ Earl Narrating ] It turned out the government had been busy doing something for us.
We just didn't know it.
Willie the mailman brought Joy a letter saying our car was towed to the impound yard.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And when Joy came to the motel to yell at me for not changing my address yet,
Catalina saw that our car had been impounded.
She got worried because she hadn't seen us for days.
So she reported it to a policeman.
He had to file a missing persons report,
then went down to the impound yard to investigate.
When the police found out where our car had been towed from,
they got suspicious and called a city worker to come unlock the gate.
[ Chattering ]
And when the city worker saw me and Randy's ropes tied to the top of the tower,
they called the fire department for help.
And that's when I realized...
maybe the government doesn't always just see people as bad or good.
Sometimes it just sees people who need help.
And even if you don't see the government workin' for you every day,
it's out there working for somebody.
And today that somebody was me and Randy.
Trespassed in a water tower, damaged a water tower, urinated in a water tower.
And there were two of us. $500.
Done.
Well, thank you very much.
[ Earl Narrating ] That was $500 I was happy to pay.
And when I found out it cost the government $4,000 to rescue me,
I offered to write them another check on the spot,
but they wouldn't take it.
Turns out, being saved by the government is free to taxpayers.
Taxpayers like me.
Hey, Earl. Yeah, Randy?
I'm gonna try and enter your dream tonight.
What?
I'm gonna concentrate real hard when I'm falling asleep and try and enter your dream.
- Why? - I don't know. Just to see what you're doin'.
I don't know if I want you in my dream, Randy. I mean,
I could be with a lady or somethin'.
I just wanna stop by. Can't you concentrate on not being with a lady just for tonight?
I guess.
I'll concentrate on, uh,
being on a space station or somethin'.
Thanks. All right. Good night, Earl.
I'll see you in a little while.
Damn it. I was a tugboat again.