1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,671 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:06,674 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:11,112 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,247 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,051 Karma. 6 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,187 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,391 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 8 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,360 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,329 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,798 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,267 [ TV: Chattering ] 12 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,803 [ Earl Narrating ] The nice thing about the list being my only job... 13 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,639 is that I get to set my own work schedule. 14 00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:43,144 Unfortunately, I don't get to set Catalina's. 15 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,316 Catalina, how much longer you gonna be with that vacuum? 16 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,451 It's making the TV scratchy. 17 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:54,322 Maybe I'd be done faster if there weren't clothes everywhere. 18 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:57,725 I told you I'd help pick up after I watch the show. 19 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:02,163 I just want to make sure Sigmund gets away from that big purple puppet with-- Go, go, go, go. 20 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,835 What's that? 21 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,471 It's a paycheck from Rotman Construction made out to Randy. 22 00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:13,341 Randy who? Randy me? 23 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:16,210 Those are my pants. Is it Randy me? I think it's Randy me. Is it Randy me? 24 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:19,847 Yeah. It's Randy you. 25 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,683 [ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes when me and Randy were low on funds, 26 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,519 we'd work a few days doing odd jobs. 27 00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:29,590 I don't know why people complain about this asbestos stuff. 28 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,860 [ Sniffs ] It doesn't smell so bad. 29 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,166 Doing great, guys! 30 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:41,702 Here's your checks and your 1099 form. 31 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,471 Our what form? 32 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,706 So you can pay your taxes. 33 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,417 How long are these good for? There's no "explanation" date on it. 34 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,420 I-- I-- I think I have to add "cheated the government" to my list. 35 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,755 I need to pay the government the taxes I owe 'em. 36 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:05,426 What for? Government doesn't do anything for us. 37 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,396 And besides, haven't you given them enough money in your life? 38 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:12,666 [ Earl Narrating ] It was true. Over the years, I had given the government a ton of dough. 39 00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,805 Speeding in a school zone. Seventy-five dollars. 40 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,740 Public urination. Sixty dollars. 41 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,742 In a school zone. Eighty-five. 42 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,945 Knocking all the orange cones down on the freeway with my car door. 43 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,648 Thirty-three dollars. Dropping melons off a water tower. 44 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,783 Cantaloupes or honeydews? It was a mix. 45 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,084 - Forty-four. - [ Cash Register Bell Dings ] 46 00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,388 The government's got plenty of money. They don't need your taxes. 47 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,690 It's on my list. But you just put it on. 48 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:40,528 If you rub it real quick, it'll smudge off, but you have to do it now before the ink sets. 49 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:44,198 Do it now, Earl. Earl, do it now. Ah, the ink is set. 50 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:46,200 Sorry. I gotta pay taxes. 51 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:49,537 So does that mean if I cash this check I have to pay taxes too? 52 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,839 I'm not gonna tell you what to do with your money. 53 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,442 You're a grown man. I think you know the right thing to do. 54 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,944 I think I do. 55 00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:59,480 I feel so alive! 56 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,883 [ Earl Narrating ] I was a little disappointed Randy decided not to pay his taxes, 57 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:06,454 but I was happy he bought his first motorized transportation. 58 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,956 Even if it did have pedals. 59 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:12,326 Check it out, Earl. I got it up to 23 miles per-- 60 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,595 [ Insect Buzzes ] [ Coughing ] 61 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,630 Swallow another bug? 62 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:23,404 [ Earl Narrating ] Since paying my taxes was the right thing to do, 63 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:26,774 I headed down to the government offices to give them the money I owed, 64 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,243 so I could cross them off my list. 65 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,011 Hello. 66 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,946 What can I do for you? 67 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:36,350 Well, a couple years ago, I made some money I didn't pay taxes on. 68 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:39,019 I think this should cover it. 69 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,655 Did we send you a form saying this money was required? 70 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,992 No. Then we're not expecting it, and we can not accept it. 71 00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,560 Next. But-- 72 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,695 Next. I-- 73 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,597 Next. You gonna say that every time-- 74 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:50,831 Next. 75 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,340 [ Earl Narrating ] It's bad enough figuring out how to pay your taxes... 76 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,409 when the government wants your money, 77 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,345 but how are you supposed to pay 'em when they don't? 78 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,514 Lucky for me, I had a suggestion for the government, 79 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,716 and they had a box for me to put it in. 80 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,924 I thought me and the government were even, 81 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,693 but a few days later I found out I was wrong. 82 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,795 Hey, Earl. Hey, Crab Man. 83 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:25,299 Hey. Government sent you a letter to the trailer. 84 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:28,702 That's a cool moped, Randy. Looks like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle. 85 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:32,506 Thanks. You should get one too, and then we could start a moped gang. 86 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:36,410 We'll call it Salt and Pepper. You know, 'cause we both like salt and pepper on our fries. 87 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,012 Cool. Oh, man. 88 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:42,683 - What's the matter? - The government sent me my check back. 89 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,753 This letter says they don't have a record of me owing 'em $500. 90 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,622 Earl, if the government's trying to give you money you don't want, 91 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,591 give it over here because they owe me anyway. 92 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,860 - For what? - Slave reparations. 93 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,729 Government promised 40 acres and a mule. 94 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:59,700 Between Darnell and Earl Jr., we're due, like, 60 acres and a couple mules. 95 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,802 Or at least a Jet Ski or something. 96 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,872 Actually, my family immigrated from Canada. 97 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,741 Canada? Mm-hmm. 98 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:11,679 Look. When the government comes around with all the mules, please let me do the talkin'. 99 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,881 [ Earl Narrating ] While Darnell and Joy figured out... 100 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,717 what they were gonna do with their 60 acres and a Jet Ski, 101 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,520 I tried to figure out how to get the government off my list. 102 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:23,391 I don't know, Earl. You tried to do the right thing. Isn't that enough? 103 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,760 No, it's not, Randy. I should've done the right thing in the first place. 104 00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:29,463 Now I need to figure out how to make it right. 105 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:32,500 - I don't know how you're gonna do-- - [ Crash ] 106 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,574 You all right? Yeah. 107 00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,411 Stupid pothole tripped me. Why don't you watch where you're going? 108 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,813 Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute. 109 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,482 I am sittin'. 110 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,451 Oh. 111 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:54,555 When'd you grow a mustache? 112 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,658 [ Earl Narrating ] Hittin' that pothole may have knocked the sense out of Randy, 113 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,593 but it gave me a pretty good idea. 114 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,539 - Oh, hey, Officer. - Drop the weapon. 115 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,041 Uh, it's just a shovel. 116 00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,610 What have you done? You bury a body in there? 117 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:19,680 Body? It's a five-inch hole. 118 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,783 Is it a baby body? Oh, crap. 119 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,952 Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Baby killer. 120 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,020 No, no, no, no, no. Just take a breath. 121 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,423 Everything's cool. I'm just filling in a pothole. 122 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:32,092 Trying to pay back the government some money I owe 'em. 123 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,528 Thank God. [ Sighs ] 124 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,730 Thought I was gonna have to dig up a baby. 125 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:40,033 [ Sighing ] So listen up. 126 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,436 You're gonna have to dig up that pothole. 127 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:44,204 Dig it up? That's right. 128 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,074 Potholes can only be filled by authorized government workers. 129 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,843 [ Earl Narrating ] I started to get a little frustrated. 130 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,813 Between the right forms and the right workers, 131 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,048 the government doesn't make it easy to pay 'em back. 132 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:57,150 But then I got an idea. 133 00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,488 While I might not be an authorized government worker, 134 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,590 I did know a group of people who were. 135 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:09,129 You might wanna go back to the motel. This is gonna take a while. 136 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,999 What are you gonna do, Earl? Pay my taxes. 137 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,502 Excuse me. 138 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:18,038 [ Earl Narrating ] I told the guard I had a debt to society I needed to repay. 139 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:21,842 Since he had shot one of the prisoners who tried to escape earlier that morning, 140 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,911 he was shorthanded and happy for the help. 141 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,816 [ Man ] Earl Hickey? [ Laughs ] 142 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,685 What are you doin' here? What's up, Hank? 143 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,888 I'm just volunteering for the afternoon. I'm trying to pay back the government. 144 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:37,958 I once tried to give a little payback to the government. 145 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,528 I kidnapped the mailman and forced him to eat the PennySaver. 146 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,732 Yeah. I read about that in the next week's PennySaver. 147 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,536 Uh, you might want to slow down. 148 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,705 If it looks like you're in really good shape, someone's gonna try and buy you from me. 149 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,207 Can't slow down, Hank. I'm only here for the day. 150 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:58,278 Oh, yeah. That's right. Too bad. Tomorrow's the talent show. 151 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,948 The white supremacists are doing a scene from Grease. 152 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,825 [ Crow Squawking ] [ Grunts ] 153 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,861 Hey. Let's wrap it up. 154 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,029 Single file, everyone on the bus. 155 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,674 On the bus. 156 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,010 Oh, no, no. I'm-- I'm not one of them. 157 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,845 Sure you're not. 158 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,181 Wait. Wh-Where'd that other guard go? 159 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,851 No. Hey! I'm not one of 'em! I-- I'm really not supposed to be here. 160 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,253 A-Ask Hank. Tell him I'm just volunteerin'. 161 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,991 No, man. He's not supposed to be here. I'm not either. 162 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,993 This is my chance. We can both get out. 163 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,562 We're both volunteers. No. Hank. 164 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,997 We're both volunteers. [ All Chattering ] 165 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:54,635 Anybody wanna volunteer to get shot? 166 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,004 - [ Engine Starts ] - Yeah. That's more like it. 167 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,354 [ Man On P.A. ] Prisoners, face your cells. Toes on the line. 168 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:17,357 [ Earl Narrating ] The problem with being mistakenly incarcerated is that... 169 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,327 when it comes time for you to go to your cell, you don't have one. 170 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,330 - [ Buzzer Buzzes ] - Let's go. 171 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,767 I don't have anywhere to go. I keep telling you. I'm not supposed to be here. 172 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,336 Maybe you're supposed to be in solitary. Is that what you saying? 173 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,639 No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah. 174 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:35,308 You don't understand. This is all one big mistake. 175 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:44,351 Hey. I'm not supposed to be here. My name-- 176 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,690 Hey. I'm Earl Hickey. I was just tryin' to pay back-- 177 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,726 If you would just call my brother. He-- He can explain. 178 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,696 Uh, c-could I get wheat toast? The white gives me a little bit of-- 179 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,833 Grape jelly? 180 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,135 Can you empty my bucket? 181 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,909 I'm not hungry. 182 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,312 Turns out Mr. Wheat Toast Grape Jelly is a free man. 183 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,016 Next time, speak up. 184 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:18,151 Let somebody know you're not supposed to be here. 185 00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,393 Wait. Wait. I'm not supposed to be here. 186 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:33,801 I just want to give them back their stupid money. I can't believe this. 187 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,003 I don't know why you're having so much trouble. 188 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,371 I mean, they're all the time taking money from me. 189 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,308 Just last week I paid $20 for speeding in a school zone. 190 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,845 Hey. You paid 75 for that, Earl. How come you only paid 20? 191 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:49,016 'Cause I brushed my license against his knobby when I handed it to him. 192 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,685 That's it. That's how I can pay back the money. 193 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,987 You're gonna brush something against the government's knobby? 194 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,056 No. I'll just go out and do something bad, 195 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,225 and the government'll fine me for it. 196 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:02,395 Hey. I know how. You paint a big fake train tunnel on the rock outside of town. 197 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,733 You'd get fined for that. Plus maybe coyotes would run into it. 198 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,401 - Or roadrunners. - That'd be funny. 199 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,403 - Beep, beep. - Yeah. Beep, beep. 200 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,939 - Beep, beep. - Beep, beep. 201 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,877 [ Earl Narrating ] Having done this before, 202 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:20,480 I knew that the two of us trespassing together on this old, abandoned water tower... 203 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,917 would cost us $500 in fines. 204 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,219 It made perfect sense. 205 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:30,323 My whole life, the government only paid attention to me when they thought I was being bad. 206 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,794 So I had no choice. I was gonna be bad. 207 00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,131 We knew from experience that it was windy at the top. 208 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,300 So we came prepared. 209 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,303 Now what? We just wait to get caught. 210 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,377 It's been, like, hours. 211 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,747 Hello! We're trespassin' up here. 212 00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:56,083 Hello! 213 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:59,019 It's never taken us this long to get busted before. 214 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,822 I'm bored. You wanna wrestle? 215 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,758 Seems kind of dangerous all the way up here. 216 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,093 Yeah, but we have our ropes. 217 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,335 [ Grunts ] 218 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,339 Hey, Earl. Who am I? 219 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:32,085 First guy to land on the moon? 220 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,322 No. The astronaut guy on all the MTV commercials. 221 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,858 Hey. The helicopter's coming back. 222 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,460 Hey! 223 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:44,264 Hey! Over here! Over here! 224 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,434 Over here! Hey! 225 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,103 [ Creaking ] 226 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:55,175 [ Screaming ] 227 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,310 Randy. Randy, open your eyes. 228 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:04,384 There's no water in the water tower. Why don't they just call it a tower? 229 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,553 I can't believe we fell through the roof. 230 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,322 They should put a sign out front warning people. 231 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,859 Earl, what are we gonna do? 232 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,262 Don't worry. Someone will notice our car and come lookin' for us. 233 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,113 Okay, Randy. 234 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,849 I'm gonna climb my own rope all the way to the top. 235 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:39,152 Once I'm secure up there, I'm gonna tie my rope off, 236 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,454 use the leverage to pull you up by your rope. 237 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,057 - Okay. - All right. 238 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,297 [ Grunts ] 239 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,168 [ Grunts ] 240 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,338 Too bad Coach Gebhardt isn't here to call you a girl and throw basketballs at your face. 241 00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,173 That'd get you up there. 242 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,949 Hey. I got two candy bars in my pocket. 243 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,052 Randy. Why'd you drop it? 244 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,621 Because you didn't tell me you were gonna throw it. 245 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,656 Give me half of that one. No. 246 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,126 Ra-- Give it to me. No. 247 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,329 Get over here. 248 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:26,166 Randy, spit it out. 249 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,301 Randy. 250 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,437 [ Groaning ] Spit it out. 251 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,339 [ Groaning ] 252 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,109 Mine's the one in the wrapper, Randy. 253 00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,480 [ Grunts ] 254 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,051 Damn it, Randy! 255 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,520 That was our only food. 256 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,290 What are we gonna do, Earl? 257 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,393 Just hang here until someone finds us. 258 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,376 [ Randy Snoring ] 259 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:28,321 [ Randy Snoring ] 260 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,129 I spy with my little eye something that is-- 261 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,198 Is it a candy bar again? 262 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,068 Yeah. 263 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,339 [ Randy ] We're gonna die in here, aren't we? 264 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,241 [ Earl ] No. 265 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,381 Maybe. 266 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,286 Probably. 267 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,623 I can't believe this. [ Randy ] I'm sorry. 268 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:07,494 It's my fault the jumping broke the roof. It's 'cause I don't bend my knees when I land. 269 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,397 That's what the dance teacher who came to football practice told me. 270 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,500 I'm not mad at you, Randy. I'm mad at the government. 271 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:18,638 Had they just taken my money in the first place, we'd never be down here! [ Echoes ] 272 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:22,175 Ricola. [ Echoes ] 273 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,512 Stupid government. They think I'm bad. 274 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,647 They're the ones who are bad, Randy. 275 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,849 The tax woman who wouldn't take my money. 276 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,285 The cop who wouldn't let me fix the pothole. 277 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,454 The prison guard who threw me in solitary. 278 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,689 Why'd I ever want to pay 'em back? 279 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,292 Screw the government. They never did anything for us. 280 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:43,296 Hello. You guys all right down there? 281 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,533 [ Earl Narrating ] It turned out the government had been busy doing something for us. 282 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,435 We just didn't know it. 283 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,807 Willie the mailman brought Joy a letter saying our car was towed to the impound yard. 284 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,745 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 285 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:04,151 [ Earl Narrating ] And when Joy came to the motel to yell at me for not changing my address yet, 286 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,619 Catalina saw that our car had been impounded. 287 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,821 She got worried because she hadn't seen us for days. 288 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,093 So she reported it to a policeman. 289 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,565 He had to file a missing persons report, 290 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,300 then went down to the impound yard to investigate. 291 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,673 When the police found out where our car had been towed from, 292 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:29,642 they got suspicious and called a city worker to come unlock the gate. 293 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,646 [ Chattering ] 294 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:39,452 And when the city worker saw me and Randy's ropes tied to the top of the tower, 295 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,388 they called the fire department for help. 296 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,857 And that's when I realized... 297 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:48,295 maybe the government doesn't always just see people as bad or good. 298 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:51,664 Sometimes it just sees people who need help. 299 00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,767 And even if you don't see the government workin' for you every day, 300 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,870 it's out there working for somebody. 301 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:01,674 And today that somebody was me and Randy. 302 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,545 Trespassed in a water tower, damaged a water tower, urinated in a water tower. 303 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,480 And there were two of us. $500. 304 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,881 Done. 305 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,489 Well, thank you very much. 306 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,265 [ Earl Narrating ] That was $500 I was happy to pay. 307 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:31,971 And when I found out it cost the government $4,000 to rescue me, 308 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,541 I offered to write them another check on the spot, 309 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,776 but they wouldn't take it. 310 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:40,447 Turns out, being saved by the government is free to taxpayers. 311 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,516 Taxpayers like me. 312 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:54,894 Hey, Earl. Yeah, Randy? 313 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,397 I'm gonna try and enter your dream tonight. 314 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,666 What? 315 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,670 I'm gonna concentrate real hard when I'm falling asleep and try and enter your dream. 316 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:07,540 - Why? - I don't know. Just to see what you're doin'. 317 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,510 I don't know if I want you in my dream, Randy. I mean, 318 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,679 I could be with a lady or somethin'. 319 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:16,816 I just wanna stop by. Can't you concentrate on not being with a lady just for tonight? 320 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,587 I guess. 321 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,855 I'll concentrate on, uh, 322 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,425 being on a space station or somethin'. 323 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,894 Thanks. All right. Good night, Earl. 324 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,762 I'll see you in a little while. 325 00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:48,448 Damn it. I was a tugboat again.